Article 1269 of eunet.jokes:
Path: santra!tut!draken!kth!enea!mcvax!hp4nl!dutrun!tnphhbu
From: tnphhbu@dutrun.UUCP (Hans Buurman)
Newsgroups: eunet.jokes
Subject: 100k jokes
Message-ID: <520@dutrun.UUCP>
Date: 4 Nov 88 09:14:41 GMT
Reply-To: tnphhbu@dutrun.UUCP (J.Buurman)
Distribution: eunet
Organization: Delft University of Technology, The Netherlands
Lines: 2403
I am posting this for a friend who got hold of this file in the US.
Many of these you might have seen already. Enjoy it.
My friends address: mcvax!dutrun!duttnph (Ben Verwer)
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| What you are about to see is true; only the typos have been changed |
| to protect the innocent. This is the original, uncut and uncensored |
| material sent to me from all corners of the globe (and beyond). |
| |
| If you want to receive periodic updates to the file, or you wish to |
| contribute material, send e-mail to peter@eevlsi.ee.columbia.edu. |
| ============================
| |
| Enjoy!! |
| |
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
A man and a woman are driving home from a date. The man stops the car,
and the woman says: "Oh no, you aren't going to pull the "out of gas"
routine!"
The man says, "No, it's the "hereafter" routine. If you're not here after
what I'm here after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."
-----
Anyway, Amos is getting on in years and his family decides that he is
just too much of a burden anymore. Time to put him in a retirement
home. So they take him out to Sunny Hills Retirement Community and
install him in his now home.
After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse comes and
asks if he would like to spend a while on the sun porch. Amos says
"Sure...hrmmmph, hrmmmph."
So Amos and the nurse are on the sun porch enjoying the sun, when Amos
begins to lean to his left. The nurse, thinking that he is going to
fall, pushes him back upright. A few minutes pass, and Amos again
begins to lean, this time to his right. The nurse pushes him back
upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated. Finally, the
nurse takes Amos back to his room.
The next day, Amos's friend Bob comes to visit. "How do you like it
here?" asks Bob.
"Well" says Amos "it's OK, I guess. The bed ain't too soft and it ain't
too hard. The food is OK. The people are nice. But, they sure don't
want you to fart on the sun porch!"
-----
A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a
speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while
the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by
yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily
replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
-----
A man walks into the psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head,
fried eggs on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink,
humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc,
I'm worried about my brother."
-----
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He
finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and
suprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist
picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the
plans."
-----
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.
The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"
The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"
The third woman fainted.
-----
The Baby Chicken Asks:
Are I People?
No You Are Chicken!
Do Chickens Come From People?
No, Chickens Come From Eggs.
Are Eggs Born?
No, Eggs Are Laid.
Are People Laid?
Not All, Some Are Chicken!
-----
The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and
a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas
insurance agent.
Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable
you had never felt better in your life?"
Farmer: "That's right."
Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"
Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who
had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog,
who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I
just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say I've never felt better in my life."
-----
Supposedly a true story...
Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is
guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever
trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer
says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute
passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a
verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."
-----
"Ever hear of a buccaneer?"
"No..."
"Well, it's too much to pay for corn!"
-----
Three squaws were each preparing for the birth of their first child. The
first squaw placed a large bear hide by a river, the second squaw placed
an elk hide by a tree by a river, and the third squaw placed a
hippopotamus hide by a path, near the river and the tree so that the
three formed a triangle.
It just so happens that all three women gave birth on the same day.
The first squaw on the bear hide had a 5-lb son, the second squaw on the
elk hide had a 6-lb son, and the third squaw on the hippopotamus hide had
an 11-lb son.
To this day, mathematicians credit these three women with the first
proof of the Pythagorean Theorem:
"The son of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons
of the squaws of the two adjacent hides."
-----
Freddy Fish and Sam Clam were the best of friends, and did
everything together. One day, though, both perished in a freak
mishap. Freddy Fish went to heaven, and immediately looked
around for his best friend. Not finding him, he asked St.
Peter where Sam was.
"Sorry, he didn't make it in."
"You mean he's down there?" asked Freddy.
"Yes."
"Well, I want to go see him!"
"This is highly unorthodox," said St. Peter. "I'll ask the
big guy."
Moments later St. Peter returned and said:
"You can go, but you can only stay for one hour."
"Great!" said Freddy, and grabbed his harp before anyone
changed their minds. He went to the elevator, and went down.
When the elevator doors opened, Freddy saw a huge sign:
SAM'S DISCOTHEQUE
He went in, and discovered that it was run by his old friend.
They sat down and reminisced about old times, and had a few drinks.
Time flew by, and when Freddy noticed his watch, he saw that he had
fifteen seconds left to return. He jumped out of his chair, yelled
a goodbye to Sam Clam, and raced to the elevator.
The elevator doors opened in heaven with only one second to
spare. St. Peter was standing there with a stopwatch.
"You just barely made it," said St. Peter.
"I know," panted Freddy, out of breath. "But I have to go
back there!"
"What do you mean!?!" asked an incredulous St. Peter.
So Freddy Fich says (* groan *):
"I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco!"
-----
Six Phases of a Project:
1) Enthusiasm
2) Disillusionment
3) Panic
4) Search for the guilty
5) Punishment of the innocent
6) Praise and honors for non-participants
-----
An American is visiting in France for several weeks. As his stay nears an
end, he is sitting around with three of his new-found French friends, just
generally shooting the breeze. The subject turns to language, and the
American says, "Guys, I do have one question left. I keep hearing this
expression, "sang froid". What does it mean? I know that it literally
means, "cold blood", but what does it *mean*?"
The first Frenchman replies, "Ah, zat is easy. Say that a man walks into
his bedroom, only to find his wife in bed with his best friend. If he can
turn around and walk out without them knowing he was evair zere, *zat* is
sang froid!"
The second Frenchman interjected, "You have eet all wrong! If, in zis
circumstance, zee gentleman can calmly stand zere, and say "Please don't
mind me; continue", zen *zat* is sang froid!"
"Non, non, non!" burst out the third. "If ze gentleman bursts een on his
wife and his best friend, stands there saying, "Please continue", and his
friend *can* continue, *zat* is sang froid!".
-----
One day while the circus was in town, a lion escaped
from its cage. He went downtown into a local bar, and said
to the bartender, "You see that young girl at the end of
the bar? If you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat
her up."
The bartender hastily poured a beer and watched the
lion swig it down and leave.
The lion proceeded across the street to another bar.
Again he approached the bar, and spoke to the bartender.
"You see that girl at the end of the bar? If you
don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
The bartender hastily poured the lion a beer, and
watched as the lion gulped it down and left.
The lion proceeded to yet another bar, went inside,
and said to the bartender:
"You see that young girl at the end of the bar? If
you don't give me a free beer, I'll go and eat her up."
"Go ahead," said the bartender.
So the lion went to the girl and ate her, quick as
a wink.
"Now give me a beer, or I'll eat YOU up!" the lion
roard to the bartender.
"No you won't. in a couple of minutes, you'll be
out cold on the floor," said the bartender calmly.
"Why's that?" asked the lion.
"That wasn't an ordinary girl you ate, you dumb
lion. That was a bar-bitch-uate!!"
-----
There was this 22-year old secretary vacationing in Tampa. However,
as she walked along the beach eyeing the big-bosomed girls walking
arm-in-arm with their boyfriends, she became distraught, for she had
a rather insignificant pair of hooters. Suddenly, she espied a murky
old bottle that had washed up on the beach, and for want of alternative
amusement, picked it up.
Poof! Out emerged a genie, complete with flowing oriental robes who
immediately offered to grant her any two wishes that she desired.
"Then, give me two of the biggest boobs in the whole, wide world", she
moaned.
Poof!! Poof!! Immediately there emerged before her eyes, two huge boobs -
Ronald Reagan and Ed Meese!
-----
A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral
sex. "No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me." So the
young man is content to wait.
After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the
young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me."
Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect
you. Can we please have oral sex?". "No", she says "I just know
that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits.
and waits...
and waits....
After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together
20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex,
just once???? Please??????" and the wife finally gives in to her
husband's wish and peforms oral sex on him. After she is done they
are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns
to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."
-----
Three women are being interviewed for the same secretarial job. The final
question of each interview is, "If you were accidentally overpaid $100 one
week, what would you do?". The first woman says, "Oh, I would immediately
report it, Sir!". The second woman says, "Well, I would write a memo to
payroll, but make it `low priority'." The third woman says, "Well, Sir,
in all honesty, I would keep the money and but myself a new outfit."
So who gets the job?
The one with the biggest tits!
-----
An American, a Frenchman, and a Polack are lined up in front of a firing
squad awaiting execution. The American is first. He points behind the
firing squad and shouts, "FLOOD!". When the soldiers turns to look, he
escapes. The Frenchman quickly devises his plan and shouts, "TORNADO!!".
He escapes as well. The Polack, thinking he has caught on yells, "FIRE!!"
-----
An Italian and his two Polish friends drank at the same bar every night
after work. One evening, the Italian keels over and dies. Well, the cops
come and are filling out the report and one of them asks the Polacks,
"Did your friend have any distinguishing marks?" One of the Polacks says,
"I'll say he did! He had two assholes!" The cop says, "Sure, and how
would you know a thing like that?" The Polack replies, "Because every
night when we come in, the bartender says, `Here comes the Italian with
the two assholes!'"
-----
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having
some touble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"
The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex theripist. You should find someone else."
The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."
After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having
any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any
suggestions."
This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had
finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble.
Is this your idea of kinky sex?"
The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my
wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us.
The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and
medicare pays half of that."
-----
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
-----
Three women are sunning themselves on the beach, one catholic, one
protestant, and one JAP (Jewish American Princess). Suddenly, a man
runs by wearing nothing but a paper bag over his head. When he has
passed, the women look at each other self-conciously.
The catholic says, "At least it wasn't my husband"
The protestant says, "At least it wasn't my boyfriend"
The JAP says, "Why, he wasn't even a member of the country club"
-----
There's an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician and they
are all attending a convention at some hotel. A fire breaks out
when everyone is asleep. The engineer wakes up, smells the smoke,
gets up, runs out into the hallway, runs to the nearest firehose,
and douses the entire room with water. All of the engineer's
possesions were wet, but at least he was safe.
The physicist wakes up, smells the smoke, whips out pencil
and paper, writes a few equations down, then rushes into the bathroom
to fill a cup of water, and then throws the cup of water in the
exact spot in the room to douse all the flames.
The mathematician wakes up, smells the smoke, thinks for a minute,
then rushes into the bathroom, fills a cup of water, lights a match,
sticks the match in the cup. Seeing that flame was extinguished,
the mathematician proclaims, "Ah! A solution exists." Then he
goes back to sleep.
-----
Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves
lost in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an
idea. We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry
our voices far."
So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo!
Where are we?" (They hear the echo several times).
15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo!
You're lost!!"
One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician."
Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?"
The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to
answer, (2) he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was
absolutely useless."
-----
An engineer and a mathematician are in a room with one door. Both
of them are asked (one at a time) to go into the next room, where they
will find a pot of water and a stove, and boil the pot of water.
The engineer goes into the next room, sees the pot of water sitting
on a table, puts it on the stove, turns on the stove, and waits until
it boils. A little bit later (the room is reset for the mathematician),
the mathematician goes into the next room, sees the pot sitting on
the table, puts it on the stove, turns on the stove, and waits until
it boils.
Now both of them are asked to do this again. However, this time the
pot of water is on the floor. The engineer sees the pot of water on
the floor, puts it on the stove, and waits until it boils. The
mathematician, however, sees the pot of water on the floor, puts it
on the table and proclaims, "I've solved this problem already."
-----
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Bella!
Bella who?
Bella no ringa, so I knocka!
-----
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and
generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you
are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his
voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"
How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) One.
2) Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in
states that still have car-inspection laws.)
3) Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough light
bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
All of them.
How many assholes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Assholes never see the light anyway.
How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the
broken socket.
2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
bulbs.
How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century.
How many babysitters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They don't make Pampers small enough.
How many Baltimore Orioles does it take to change a tire?
One. Unless it's a blowout, then the whole team shows up.
How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
of license fee.
How many Beverly Hills realtors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
How many bikers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to complain that it's electrified.
How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
Meanwhile...
How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One third less than for a regular bulb.
How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
2) Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
sell it before it crashes.
How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb.
How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these.
How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
screws the bulb into the water faucet.
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental
Impact Statement.
3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a
requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk
to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving
clerk to receive the bulb ...
4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
5) None. We contract out for things like that.
How many cabbage patch dolls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The question is irrelevant since you couldn't find the dolls even if
you knew how many.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Silly, Californians don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in hot tubs.
2) Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate
to the experience.
How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Billions and billions.
How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. But they're really only one.
How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
How many Columbia students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he gets three credits.
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about
how much they liked the old one.
How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many contras does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians,
an Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. It turned itself in.
2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
How many cryonicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to ensure that the light bulb is certifiably dead, one to
perfuse it with cryoprotectants, one to slowly cool it to liquid
nitrogen temperature, and one to wait 200 years for technology to
advance sufficiently to revive it.
How many data base people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the
light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator
to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
How many DEC employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
2 People - Preliminary discussion on concept of change.
1 Person - Devise and write formal bulb architecture.
2 People - Feasability study and timetable of events.
2 People - Produce four utilities to reduce screw-in time
1 Person - Maintain ISO and DEC standards
4 People - Commonality task force on bulb change.
15 People - Change bulb.
5 People - Perform bulb functional test.
2 People - Perform bulb load test.
3 People - Perform bulb regression test.
1 Person - Perform bulb performance analysis.
1 Person - Perform bulb bottleneck analysis.
1 Person - Follow-up study (bulb merge feasibility).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission.
1 Person - Interface with users. (Did they want incandescent
when we only supply non-tunable fluorescent point
product?) BAX (Bulbs Are eXpensive)!
5 People - Perform BOSE (Build Other Socket Enhancements).
compatibility architecture/study.
3 People - Perform VIA (Voltage Increases Amps) phase 2
compatibility architecture/study.
2 People - Ensure form (round, square, clear/frosted)
follows function (wattage, 120/240 volts,
visible/ultra-violet, flashing, flood/spot).
3 People - Implement temporary alternative bulb socket for already
existing, successful, and profitable socket (bulb-in-one).
5 People - Determine how to market/package/distribute temporary
alternative bulb socket.
8 People - Determine how to perform bulb change product split
(Control: switches, dimmers; versus implementation:
screw-in torque, recovery strategies).
1 Person - Interface with utilities commission QA group.
1 Person - Submit to BDC (Bulb Distribution Center).
1 Person - Set up BPR (Bulb Problem Reports) system.
9 People - Answer customer BPRs.
11 People - Football team to challenge bulb changers.
How many disarmament folks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They won't, because:
1. "If we change our bulb, they will just change theirs to a
brighter one, so where will it all end?"
2. "We already have enough bulbs to illuminate the entire world
three times over."
3. "We shouldn't spend money for light bulbs as long as anyone
is hungry anywhere."
4. "We don't know what effect all of this artificial light will
have on the future of mankind."
5. "Nature provides us with all the light we need; we just haven't
learned to husband it yet."
6. "Artificial light isn't aesthetically correct."
7. "The candle is more traditional, and it uses no electricity."
8. "It is the responsibility of the Federal Government to provide
light to all Americans, without regard to race, age, creed, color, sex
(anatomic), sex (persuasion), religion, socio-economic status, national origin,
or need."
9. "I'm not about to touch anything that has WATT written on it!"
How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
2) That depends on whether it has health insurance.
3) Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to roll it and one to light it up.
How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One.
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.
How many Thomas Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. He doesn't change them, he makes them.
How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to
the old bulb.
How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room
first.
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the
Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones
to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices
that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't
see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency
stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a
light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red
shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are
promply killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party
is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship
approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection.
Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as
a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs
they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the
planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted,
and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
How many ergonomicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and ...
How many EST followers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A roomful. They take turns as the leader tells them what rotten and
worthless bulb screwers they are. No one is allowed to leave the room
to go to the bathroom while the bulb screwing is in progress.
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
How many strong Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They like Danzig in the dark.
How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes eight million years.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes
a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway.
How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) That's not funny!!!
2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual
implications.
4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the
bulb is exploiting the socket.
5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were
the socket.
6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any
man trying to help the first one.
How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
old light bulb was.
How many football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
How many Tampa Bay Buccaneers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to recover the fumble.
How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Three. One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off
the keg.
2) Five. One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the
room spins.
How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
How many gardeners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as older,
heavier ones.
How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to say, "Fabulous! Fabulous!"
How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
2) It all depends on the size of the grant.
3) Two, and a professor to take credit.
How many grocery store cashiers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Huh? You mean it's dark in here?
How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
"Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem."
How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
How many humor theorists does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
300. One to change the bulb and 299 to analyze it to death.
How many IBM engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a feature.
How many IBM PC owners does it take to screw in light bulb?
Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor
card first, which is extra.
How many IBMers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the
pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the
definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences of
non-blank characters separated by blanks".
How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
Five. While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use
a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body.
Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for
Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light
fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high-
wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the
door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed,
we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the
United States.
How many Indiana University students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) You ever wonder why it's so dark in Bloomington?
2) All of them, since changing light bulbs is the only kind of job they
can get after they graduate.
How many Iranians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
100. One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.
How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Change it to what?
How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Da-a-addy.
2) What?! And ruin my nails???
How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. ("That's all right, I'll just sit here in the dark.")
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to call the cleaning lady and the other two to feel guilty
about having to call the cleaning lady.
How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
How many Kentuckians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) All of them.
2) Only one. They'll screw anything.
How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones.
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) How many can you afford?
2) Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object,
one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter,
one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose,
one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a
secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for
professional services.
3) It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
4) You won't find a lawyer who can screw in a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb ...
5) Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party
of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not
required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
(i) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
point being non-negotiable.
(ii) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.
(iii) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the
party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur
in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step
(i) of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation
should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him,
the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of
the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
How many law professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many Lebanese does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to stage a suicide attack on the bulb and another to claim
responsibility in phone call to the news media.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about how much better it
is than with a man.
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) One liberal and twenty-eight delegates representing all the social,
economic, and ethnic communities.
2) Sorry, they can't remove the old one as it's already part of the
environment.
How many Libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Libertarians never change light bulbs, because someone might enter
the room who wants to sit in the dark.
How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he uses a chainsaw.
How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Into what?
How many managers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number
to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
2) Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually
drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One and a half.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
How many massage parlor attendants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Whatever number turns you on, big boy.
How many medflies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They do it in the fruit.
How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, but the hard part is getting them into the bulb.
How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions.
How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to
screw in light bulbs too.
How many modern artists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to throw bulbs against the wall, one to pile hundreds
of them in a heap and spray-paint it orange, one to glue
light bulbs to a cocker spaniel, and one to put a bulb in the
socket and fill the room with light while all the critics
and buyers are watching the fellow smashing the bulbs against
the wall, the fellow with the spray-gun, and the cocker spaniel.
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say,
"Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that."
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
surprising twist at the end.
How many National Security Council members does it take to change a
light bulb?
1) We can't say.
2) Three, in fourteen countries.
How many Nebraskans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many necrophiliacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. Necrophiliacs prefer dead bulbs.
2) Only one. "Oh, could you please test the socket with your finger
while I go get a new bulb?"
How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another LBJ?
1,622. One to tell the orginal joke, and the rest to give some minor
variation of it!
How many net.junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he's gotta cross-post it ALL OVER THE GODDAM PLACE.
How many netters does it take to submit a light bulb joke?
1000. One to submit the joke and 999 to submit "How many programmers does
it take to screw in a light bulb? None, that's a hardware problem."
How many people from New Jersey does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the
third to shoot the witness.
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None of your damn business!
2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying
to stop it.
How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
How many NHL officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
First you have to find one.
How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None of your f---ing business and have a nice day.
How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
How many OU football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but he gets 3 hours of credit for it.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
2) Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear
power plant that generates the electricty that powers it.
How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't change bulbs. They have nice fires in their caves and if they
need light they go out and look at the sun...
How many members of the PLO does it take to screw in a light bulb?
45. One to drive the car, four to shoot the bodyguards of the
president of Sylvania, three to kidnap the president of Sylvania, five
to think up the ransom demands, ten to paste up the ransom note, eight
to cut little eye-holes in the cloth sacks, one to drive a truck with
2000 kilos of dynamite into the American embassy, one to claim
responsibility for the bombing, and twelve to commandeer a building
with working lights.
How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to
change the bulb.
How many Polacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
How many poor slobs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Poor slobs don't have light bulbs - they're too expensive.
What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
You can unscrew a light bulb.
How many pre-med students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Five. One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
out from under him.
2) None. Pre-meds don't screw, they study.
How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. But he has to wait until the light is better.
How many professors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Only one, but they get three technical reports out of it.
2) None. That's what grad students are for.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. That's a hardware problem.
2) None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
3) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
How many "pro-lifers" does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. Two to screw in the bulb and four to testify that it was lit from
the moment they began screwing.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many do you think it takes?
How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Seven. One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list.
2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on
his forehead.
How many Radcliffe girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It's "Women", and it's not funny!
How many Reagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) What light bulb?
2) Nancy.
How many Reaganists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ten. One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the
denial "The bulb is really just dim", one to blame the bulb burning
out on the Carter-Mondale administration, one to blame the bulb
burning out on the Congress, one to ask for a constitutional amendment
that will prohibit bulbs burning out, one to replace the bulb with a
kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the
kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special
favor for the kerosene importer, one to cash the check for investing in
the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
How many rec.humor posters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) 1000. And they change the same bulb over and over and over again
and still no one notices it's been changed so they change it again and
again and then they even discuss it and then someone flames them for
not doing it in rec.humor.d.
2) 565.
1 to put in a trick bulb (say, a flash bulb).
6 to flame the first, pointing out that this bulb is different from
the old one.
29 to counter-flame, pointing out that the new bulb is *deliberately*
different, and is parodying the old one.
7 to leave the room, citing the extreme density of the 6.
12 to demand that this commentary be redirected to the other room.
14 to ask that the bulb be changed again, since they missed seeing it
the first time.
496 to climb all over each other, trying to put the old bulb back in.
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a
store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many Paul Reveres does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One if by hand, but two if by feel.
How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
That's a military secret.
How many Russian leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Both of them.
How many science fiction writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, "In 1876, Jules Verne
had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy
alternative. Hitherto, the only sources ..."
How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in
the wrong way.
How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They'll have their girls do it for them.
How many Shiites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet to
Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to negotiate
with Israel and the US for the release of fluorescent bulbs held
hostage around the world!!
How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause
as to why the last one went out.
How many Spinks handlers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five.
1 to actually screw in the light bulb,
1 to carry him out of the ring,
1 to tell him who put the lights out,
2 to count the money.
And it all only takes 91 seconds!
How many supply-siders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
How many teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One if at home, but on school time, four.
How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
How many television evangelists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Television evangelists screw in motel rooms.
How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
20. One to do it and 19 to develop a distraction.
How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. There never *was* any light bulb.
How many tourists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
How many union electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Seventeen. One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in
the bulb. One to hold him on the stepladder. Four to hold the
stepladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to
make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to
supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to
nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night.
One to drink martinis with the WASPs.
2) Four men, four hours.
How many union shop stewards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
50. 50? Yeah, 50; it's in the contract.
How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
How many Unix hacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
How many USENET users does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Fifty. One to do it and 49 to talk about it on net.bulbs.d.
How many USENETers does it take to screw in a ligth bulb?
Six. One to point out the spelling error ^^ you illiterate idiot!
One to flame: GET THIS GARBAGE OFF THE NET!!!
One to flame the flamer.
One to ask to be removed from the news group.
One to ask for a copy of the last message :-)
And one to ask how to unROT the joke.
How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
How many utilitarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
As many as are happy screwing in light bulbs.
How many valley girls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! Fer sure.
How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.
How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention.
How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple.
How many White House aides does it take to change one of Reagan's
light bulbs?
None. They like to keep him in the dark.
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
2) None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light.
How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, "Ta da!"
How many Vanna Whites does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. A dead bulb won't light up.
How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes nine visits.
How many Teamsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
TWELVE!! YA GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT??
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to
screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of
production!
How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my advisor a $100,000
grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he can tell me how to do the
shit work for him so he can take the credit for answering this incredibly
vital question.
How many light bulb jokes does it take to screw in a light bulb joke?
The probability that a given light bulb joke will be submitted to
the net in any given week is 0.4, and the probability that it will
have changed detectably since the last transmission is 0.2. Assuming
independence (which is reasonable, since no submitter of a light bulb
joke ever seems to know it has been submitted before within the last 2
or 3 weeks), the probability that it will change in a given week is
thus 0.08. So it takes about 12.5 light bulb jokes to change a
light bulb joke.
How many real men does it take to cross a river?
5000. 4999 to build a suspension bridge and 1 to drive a tractor
trailer across.
How many men does it take to clean a toilet?
None, it's women's work!
How many Kentuckians does it take to eat a possum?
Two. One has to watch for cars.
How many Neanderthals does it take to light a fire?
None. They don't have it.
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
| |
| What you are about to see is true; only the typos have been changed |
| to protect the innocent. This is the original, uncut and uncensored |
| material sent to me from all corners of the globe (and beyond). |
| |
| If you want to receive periodic updates to the file, or you wish to |
| contribute material, send e-mail to peter@eevlsi.ee.columbia.edu. |
| |
| Enjoy!! |
| |
+------------------------------------------------------------------------------+
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.
"Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained
the waiter.
The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:
"Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not
always lose!"
-----
There once was a race of smurf-like creatures called "Trids".
The Trids were happy, peaceful, folks, who lived in a village at the
base of a mountain. Part of their culture was an annual ceremony, in
which the whole population would go up to the top of the mountain for
a grand celebration. On the way to the mountaintop there was a river
that they had to cross, and a single bridge was the only way across.
One year, as the annual trek was underway, the Trids came to
the bridge only to discover a huge troll sitting in the middle of the
bridge, blocking the path. One of the Trids was brave enough to step
onto the bridge and walk up to the troll, attempting to pass by. But
as he got near, the troll picked up the Trid, and drop-kicked him,
sending him rolling down the mountainside back toward the Trid
village. Another Trid attempted to cross the bridge, but was met
with the same reaction from the Troll, and went rolling down the hill
after the Troll kicked him.
As a third Trid walked onto the bridge, a Rabbi happened to be
walking along the riverside, just in time to see the Trid get kicked
into the air and roll down the mountain. Outraged, the Rabbi stomped
up onto the bridge and began walking toward the troll. As he got
near, the troll stood to one side, allowing the Rabbi room to pass.
The Rabbi was very surprised at this, and asked the Troll, "Why are
you kicking the Trids when they attempt to use this bridge, but you
let me pass?". And the troll replied:
"Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
-----
Here is a conversion chart taken from The Bent of Tau Beta Pi
Spring 1988. Reprinted without permission.
10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 unit of suspense in a mystery novel = 1 whod unit
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**-12 Boulevard = 1 Pico Boulevard (L.A.)
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
2 wharves = 1 paradox
1 milli-Helen (of Troy) = amount of face that can launch one ship
-----
Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I did not.
Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the
penalty for murder.
-----
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
-----
Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in the hot sun.
Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch?
Dog 2: It sure as hell better be!
-----
Jimmy Swaggart telephoned Jim Bakker.
Swaggart: I have a theological question: Can a prostitute be saved?
Bakker: Yes.
Swaggart: Would you save me one for Saturday night?
-----
NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Before you blast her, protect your bushmaster.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
Before you bag her, sheath your dagger,
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
If you slip between her thighs be sure to condomize.
She won't get sick if you cap your dick.
If you go into heat, package that meat.
Befo' da van start rockin', be sho' yo' cock got a stockin'.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
A crank with armor will never harm her.
----
Four Polacks were in an alley shooting drugs, and using the same needle.
A guy walked by on the street and yelled, "You idiots! Don't you know about
AIDS?!?" One of the Polacks replies; "Of course we do! But don't worry,
we're all wearing condoms!"
-----
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He
hopped into his fancy, imported sportscar, zipped out along the big highway
for a while, then got off and drove along a very rural dirt road in the
middle of farm country. After a while, he came across a farmer who was out
in the fields, driving a tractor. Funny thing was, the farmer didn't seem
to be wearing any pants.
"Hey farmer, how come you're not wearing any pants?"
"Well, city boy, th' other day I went out a-workin' in the fields, an'
I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house that night, and mah
neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. Now this here's mah wife's idea."
-----
Two Texans are standing on a bridge bragging about their manliness,
when they decide to piss into the river below. After commencing,
they continue bragging:
Texan 1: "The water's cold."
Texan 2: "Yeah. Deep too."
-----
News release: Abortions are becoming so popular in Poland that the waiting
time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Polish experts predict that at this
rate there will soon be a one year wait to get an abortion.
-----
A Polish statistician refuses to fly after reading the alarmingly high
probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane. Later he finds
that the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very
low. Now whenever he flies, he always carries one bomb with him.
-----
Fred walks into a psychiatrist's office one day and says to the psychiatrist,
"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange,
sometimes I feel like a teepee."
The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.
So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."
To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just
two tents."
-----
A German, upon hearing that Americans like to eat their steak rare, (often
referred to as "bloody steak") went into an American restaurant to try this
meal.
When the waiter came to take his order, he said, "I would like a bloody steak."
The waiter replied, "Would you like some fucking wine too?"
-----
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day,
when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the
trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer
said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out
of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed,
"Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".
-----
A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle.
He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk
takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see
my house all the way up on that hill". The man takes a look through the
scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk. "I see
a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.
The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he
hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this
scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and
shoot the guy's dick off". The man takes another look through the scope,
and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"
-----
America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission with one
astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two years up there, each
may take any form of entertainment weighing 150 pound or less.
The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb wife.
They approve.
The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Greek. I want
150 lbs of books to learn Greek with." The NASA board approves.
The Russian astronaut thinks for a second and says, "It's gonna be two years
up there. I want 150 pounds of the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again,
NASA okays it.
Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside the
shuttle to see what each astronaut got out of his personal entertainment.
Well, it's obvious what the American's been up to, He and his wife are each
holding and infant. The crowd cheers. The Japanese astronaut steps out and
makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely perfect Greek. The crowd doesn't
understand a word of it, but they're impressed and they cheer. The Russian
astronaut stomps out, clenches the podium until his knuckles turn white,
glares at the first row waving a chewed up cigar at them and says:
"Anybody got a match?"
-----
Everyone wondered how Reagan picked Bush for VP in the first place.
Well, this is the story: Reagan knew he had to make a choice; so
he asked Nancy how he should do this. Nancy told him that he should
ask the potential candidates a riddle and see how they do. She gave
Reagan a riddle to use.
So, the next day, Reagan goes to Bush and says, "Who is it who is your
father's son, but not your brother?" Bush replies, "Golly gee, Mr. Reagan,
That's difficult. I'll need to go and think about that one for a while."
In the evening Bush returns and happily shouts, "I got it, Ron! I figured
it out! It's me! It's me!"
Reagan than goes and presents the same riddle to one of the other VP
candidates and says, "Who is it who is your father's son, but not your
brother?" "That's a tough one Mr. Reagan. I'll get back to you on that."
And in the evening he returns and says, "I couldn't figure that one out.
Who is it?"
Reagan answers, "It's George Bush, but I'm not exactly sure why."
-----
Ma fren, you got to read dis joke in yor best Cajun accent, so you
sound jus like Justin Wilson when he tell it. If you do, it'll be
wundermus, I garontee.
Der were dese two Cajun buddies at dis bar, and dey wuz gettin drunk, I
mean! Well, one o de fellas, he decide he done had enough, so he take
off for home. Cept he so drunk, he get hisself lost, and good! He
wander into a graveyard and fall into a fresh dug grave dat is waiting
for a funeral de next day. He lying der on his back, trying to pull
hisself up out of dat grave, but he having some big problem doing
dat. You see, it had been raining, and de sides of dat grave was
slick. And it didn't hep none dat dis ol' boy was drunk.
Well, he lie der for a while, and he start to get cold, and he start to
holler
"Hep me I'm cold. Hep me I'm cold, whooboy!"
About dis time, his buddy back at de bar decide it's time for him to
head home. As he walking, he hear dis awful noise, and he decide he
going to see what it is. Well, he comes to de graveyard, and he hears
dis voice calling from an open grave.
"Hep me I'm cold, whooboy! Hep me I'm cold"
Well, he ain't scared, on account of him being good and drunk. So he
walks right up to dat grave, and he looks down and sees his friend
lying in de bottom of it. But he so drunk he don't recognize his
friend. His friend look up at him and say
"Hep me I'm cold, whooboy!"
De friend standing at de top of de grave replies "Sho you cold, you dun
kick all o you dirt off o you!"
-----
A man was walking down the street one day when he saw a Polack standing
on the corner, playing with his butt and then smelling his fingers. The
man watched the Polack do this for a minute or so, then he walked over to
him and asked, "What are you doing, if I might ask?" And the Polack
replied, "I'm snorting crack, of course!"
-----
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but
two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy
walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk. "Hey buddy," sez his
buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva
fight."
"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.
"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me
got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a
real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains
one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me
wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
------
This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some
time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the
physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not
exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure
for them: you'll have to be castrated". The man, needless to say, was
taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear
the pain.
But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the
poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. "All right, I guess I'll
have the operation", he said. When it was all over, the man was
understandably depressed, and his physician told him, "I recommend you
begin life anew - start over from this point".
So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a
new set of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit,
looks like you take about a 38-regular". "That's right", exclaimed the
man, "how'd you know?" "Well, when you've been in the business
as long as I have, you get pretty good at sizing a man up",
replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like about a 15 long."
"Right again," the man said. The proprietor suggested, "And for
undershorts, I'd say a size 36." "There's your first mistake", the
man said, "I've worn 34's for years." "No, you're a size 36 if I've
ever seen one", said the owner. The man replied, "I ought to know
what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take 34". The owner replied,
"Well alright, if you insist, but they're going to pinch your balls
and give you headaches!"
-----
80 years after Little Big Horn, an East Coast journalist began research
on George Armstrong Custer. A friend told him that an Indian that lived
through that experience was still living and furthermore remembered EVERY
event of his long life. The journalist visited Chief Big Eagle, who now
lived in a small town in Pennsylvania. When he arrived and stated his purpose,
the Chief agreed to answer his questions.
"On what day of the week did the event take place? "
-- "Wednesday"
"What was Custer wearing?"
-- "Black uniform ... ceremonial sword ... old hat"
"what did Custer eat for breakfast?"
-- "Eggs"
The journalist was skeptical and figured anyone could make up these answers.
He left, and never published his article.
Ten years later, the journalist was by coincidence driving through the same
small town, and decided to see if the old Chief was still living. To his
surprise, he was.
As the journalist walked in he raised his hand in the air and said, "How!"
"Over easy, with potatoes on the side", said the chief.
-----
THE TOP TEN REASONS THE CELTICS DIDN'T WIN THE CHAMPIONSHIP
10. No more room to hang another banner anyway.
9. Isaiah asked real nice if he could be in The Finals this year.
8. Now the Lakers' repeat won't mean anything because they
didn't beat the Celtics.
7. Still upset that DJ's mom doesn't make sweet potato pie.
6. Kind of a funny joke to pull on K.C. in his last season.
5. Vercase has better white hair than Rodgers.
4. Anything to keep Jack Nicholson out of Boston.
3. Red asked players to conserve their precious bodily fluids
but his plan backfired.
2. Accidently jimmied the wrong rim in crucial game at the Gahden.
And the Number One reason the Celtics didn't win the Championship:
1. We coulda if we wanted to, we just didn't wanna!
-----
There was this black woman who had 7 sons, all of them named Leroy.
One day this man was asking her about this and said, "What to you say
when you want to call one of them?" She replies,"I just calls Leroy,
and they all come!" The man then says, "Well what if you want one of
them to come help you with the dishes?" She says, "I calls Leroy,
and they all come help me with the dishes." The man, getting somewhat
frustrated, says, "What if you want to talk to one of them about bad
grades on their report card, then how do you call them?" She says,
"Oh, then I use their last name!"
-----
A man was trapped on a deserted island that was sinking into the sea. As the
water lapped around his feet, a motor boat suddenly approached the island.
"Come on, man, get in!" said the boatman.
"No," said the guy on the island, "I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's
chest, another boat appeared.
"Get in the boat, or you're going to drown!" said the boatman. Again, the guy
said, "No, I have faith in Jesus. He will save me!"
The boat went off and the water continued to rise. When it was up to the guy's
chin, a third boat appeared.
"Get in, this is your last chance!"
"No, Jesus will save me!"
So the boat went off, the water continued to rise and the guy drowned. He went
up to heaven and was greeted by Jesus.
"Hey, Jesus," he said, "I trusted in you all my life and you let me drown!
I don't believe it!"
"YOU don't believe it?" Jesus said, "I sent three fucking boats to save you!!"
-----
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things! I just won the California lottery!"
Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
-----
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the
ship after a large evening ashore. As they climbed the gangway the
captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman
above him, he shouted:
"Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the
young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well, Cap'n, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also shit in
your pants."
-----
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
and steals a roast. The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer
answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
The next day, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer: $50 due for a consultation.
-----
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered
three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer
confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she
confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but when
I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my
indiscretion", she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either,
and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of
weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars
come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars
a bushel, I sold out!"
-----
Murphy is walking down a country lane near his home when he spies a
leprechaun sitting on a fencepost. "Ah ha!", says he to himself, "I'll
catch the little fella and he'll have to give me his pot o' gold."
So, Murphy sneaks up on the leprechaun and grabs him by the shoulders.
The leprechaun is unhappy, but knows he can get away if he can get Murphy
to look away from him, even for an instant.
"Where's your pot o' gold?", says Murphy.
"Isn't that a purple cow over there?", says the leprechaun.
"I'm not taking my eyes off you! Where's the gold?!", says Murphy.
"Look at that peacock flying overhead!", says the leprechaun.
"I'm wise to your tricks! Where's the gold?!!", says Murphy.
Finally, the leprechaun gives up. "All right", he says, "you've got me.
But I'm not a pot o' gold leprechaun, I'm a three-wish leprechaun."
"What's a three-wish leprechaun?", says Murphy.
"I can grant you up to three wishes", says the leprechaun, "but there's
a catch. Whatever I give to you I give double to the person in the world
you hate the most. I happen to know that's O'Brien over in the next town."
Murphy thinks it over and finally says "Done! For my first wish I want
a fine, ten room mansion all for myself in that field over there."
"Done!" says the leprechaun and a beautiful mansion appears in the field.
In the field next to it is a 20 room mansion and on the porch stands
a surprised O'Brien saying "Why, thank you, Murphy. I didn't think you
liked me."
"For my next wish", says Murphy, "I want ten of the most beautiful women in
the world to wait on me hand and foot."
"Done!", says the leprechaun, and ten stunning women appear on the front
porch of Murphy's new mansion. O'Brien, now surrounded by twenty beautiful
women, is positively beaming. "Bless you, lad! I take back all the bad
thoughts I had of you", says he.
"Finally", says Murphy, "for my last wish ... I want my sexual potency
to be cut by fifty percent!"
Alternative endings:
1. "Finally", says Murphy, "for my last wish ... I want to be beaten
half to death!"
2. "For my last two wishes", says Murphy, "I want a 110 lb. woman
and half a marriage license!"
-----
A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
-----
Mickey Mouse was trying to convince a judge to give him a divorce from
Minnie Mouse:
Judge: "I'm sorry Mickey, but you claiming Minnie is crazy is not a valid
reason for me to grant a divorce."
Mickey: "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
-----
A guy was in a record store to buy a 45-rpm record of his favorite song. After
he located it, he realized that he forgot his wallet. Instead of going out and
getting his wallet, he decided to get a five-finger discount (shoplift), so he
put it down his pants. Well, as he was leaving the store, the cashier stopped
him and said, "Excuse me, but is that a record in your pants?"
To this, he responded, "It may not be a record, but I'm mighty proud of it."
-----
A city boy went duck hunting in the country one day. While hunting
he shot a duck which fell on the property of a farmer. The boy crawled
over the fence to claim his kill. But, the farmer, seeing what had
happened rushed out with his shotgun and yelled, "See here! That duck
belongs too me!"
The city boy replies, "But I shot the duck, therefore it belongs to me!"
The farmer says, "It fell on my property so it belongs to me!" They
continue to argue, each claiming ownership of the duck. After a while,
the farmer says, "We should settle this the old-fashioned way."
The city boy asks, "What is the 'old-fashioned way'?"
The farmer explains, "First, I kick you in the groin. Then, you kick
me in the groin and we continue in this fashion until one of us gives up.
The one who wins gets the duck."
The city boy, willing to do anything to get his duck and leave, agrees
to the contest. The farmer draws back his leg and kicks the city boy in
the groin with all his might. The city boy, in horrible pain, falls to the
ground moaning and groaning. After about 10 minutes, he manages to stand up
and croaks, "It's my turn now."
The farmer says, "Oh, you can have the duck", and leaves.
-----
SCENE: It's a fine sunny day in the forest, and a rabbit is sitting
outside his burrow, tippy-tapping on his typewriter.
Along comes a fox, out for a walk.
FOX: "What are you working on?"
RABBIT: "My thesis."
FOX: "Hmm. What's it about?"
RABBIT: "Oh, I'm writing about how rabbits eat foxes."
(incredulous pause)
FOX: "That's ridiculous! Any fool knows that rabbits don't eat foxes."
RABBIT: "Sure they do, and I can prove it. Come with me."
They both disappear into the rabbit's burrow. After a few
minutes, the rabbit returns, alone, to his typewriter and resumes
typing.
Soon, a wolf comes along and stops to watch the hardworking
rabbit.
WOLF: "What's that you're writing?"
RABBIT: "I'm doing a thesis on how rabbits eat wolves."
(loud guffaws)
WOLF: "You don't expect to get such rubbish published, do you?"
RABBIT: "No problem. Do you want to see why?"
The rabbit and the wolf go into the burrow, and again the rabbit
returns by himself, after a few minutes, and goes back to typing.
SCENE: Inside the rabbit's burrow. In one corner, there is a pile of
fox bones. In another corner, a pile of wolf bones. On the other
side of the room a huge lion is belching and picking his teeth.
(The End)
MORAL: It doesn't matter what you choose for a thesis subject.
It doesn't matter what you use for data.
What does matter is who you have for a thesis advisor.
-----
A guy gets on a bus and notices a nun sitting over in
a corner. Through her heavy head piece he just spots a glimmer
of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments cannot
hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets
more and more excited until he finally approaches the nun and
says, "Sister, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I
think I love you. Can we get together some time?"
The nun leaves the bus in a huff.
Later as the guy is about to leave the bus himself, the bus
driver asks the guy if he was the one who was bothering the
nun. The guy again apologizes, explaining once again that
he seldom did this sort of thing, but the bus driver says:
"No, don't apologize, I was checking her out myself. In
fact, let me do you a favor. Did you see where she got
off? There's a little park there, and every day she goes
there to pray at the same time. Go there tomorrow, and maybe
you'll get lucky!"
The guy thanks him and leaves.
Sure enough, the guy goes to the park and there's the little
nun in a secluded spot by some trees. He goes off into the
bushes, and comes back a few minutes later in a long white
robe, a long blond wig with beard and a crown of thorns.
The nun is flabbergasted, and asks what she can do for him.
He says that every couple of thousand years, he likes to
come back to earth to get laid. The nun says that she'd
love to help him, but that she was on her period, and
would the back door be OK?
He says fine, and they commence their activities.
A few minutes into it, he is suddenly overcome with a blast
of guilt, and says, panting, "Sister, I have to tell you
something. I'm not really Jesus, I'm actually the guy
who was annoying you on the bus yesterday."
The nun says, "Oh, that's OK. In fact, I'm not really
a nun. I'm actually the bus driver."
-----
One day, little Billy comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding
his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check
her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come
home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily
into the act of lovemaking.
Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was
wrong.
Billy watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on
and have a horsie ride?"
"Of course, Son, we're a family."
So Billy climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning
and writhing wildly.
"Hang on Dad!", cries Billy, "this is where me and the mailman usually
fall off!"
-----
A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin.
Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.
The doctor told her that will cost around $500, but there is an
another way that will cost only $50.
The woman agreed to try the cheap way, payed the money, and the doctor
worked on her for several minutes.
After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor and told
him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there.
And she asked him how he did it.
"I tied your pubic hair," he answered.
-----
There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he
wanted to get them bred. So, he borrowed his neighbor's bull
and turned it loose in the pasture. He told his son to watch
and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.
"OK, Pop." said the little boy.
After a while, the boy came into the living room where his father
was talking with some friends. "Say, Pop", said the boy, "the bull
just fucked the brown cow".
There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said,
"Excuse me" and took his son outside. "Son, you mustn't use
language like that in front of company. You should say
'The bull surprised the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell
me when the bull surprises the white cow".
The father went back inside the house. After a while the
boy came in and said, "Hey, Pop".
"Yes, Son. Did the bull surprise the white cow?"
"He sure did, Pop! He fucked the brown cow again!"
-----
A certain professor was known for cracking vulgar jokes in class.
A group of girls never appreciated it. One day they decided to walk
out as soon as the professor started one of his dirty cracks. It
so happened the professor came to know about their plan. In the
class after a while, he started saying, "There is at present a dearth
of professional women in Paris ..." and our group of girls started
their walkout. The professor remarked, "Hey! Wait a minute! The
next flight to Paris doesn't leave until tomorrow morning!!!"
-----
There was this couple on The Newlywed Game and the man was asked where
was the wierdest place they ever made "whoopie". And with confidence,
the woman responds, "Got to be in the butt, Bob."
On Pyramid the word to get was "bread" and so the cluegiver says "dough"
and the black man answered "knob."
-----
A guy is in a bus station, and goes into the men's room to piss.
When he walks in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous dick he
had ever seen. As he pees, he cannot avoid spying on the giant
member of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and
the man asks him if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
The little man says, "Aye me boy, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
"Oh neat," comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all ... I'll grant you your three
wishes if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick until I come." The man
is a bit taken aback, but agrees, because he knows he can wish for
anything he wants later. After the green man has come, he starts to
walk away.
The guy says, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" The leprechaun
asks, "How old are you me boy?"
"25," he says.
"Aren't you a bit too old to still be believin' in leprechauns?"
-----
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde
on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So
the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely
gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles
up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes
for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You
may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?!
There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the
most wonderful weekend of my life!"
-----
An old man is lying on his deathbed with his children, grandchildren, and
older great-grandchildren all around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale
of a very long and productive life. The old man in is a terminal coma,
and the doctors have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the
next twenty-four hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes and croaks:
"I must be dreaming of heaven! I smell your grandmother's strudel!"
"No, grandfather, you are not dreaming. Grandmother is baking strudel now."
"I know I will never have another taste of her delicious strudel after this
one. Could you please go down and get me a piece?", the old man begs with
what is left of his final breath.
One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old man's
last request. After a long time, he returns empty-handed.
"Did you bring me one last piece of your grandmother's delicious strudel?"
the old man plaintively queries.
"I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the funeral."
-----
A woman had triplets; she named them Tim, Tom and Tat.
When it came feeding time, there was no tit for tat.
-----
Two women were walking down the street. One nudges the other and says,
"There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses. Damn!!
That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days!"
"Well, why don't you get a vase?"
-----
"How would you like to come back to my place for a hamburger and some sex?"
"No!"
"What's the matter, you don't like hamburgers?"
-----
It seems a teacher walked into the boy's bathroom and caught four
boys having a contest to see who could pee highest on the wall.
The teacher was disgusted and took the boys to the Principal's office.
Later the teacher told an associate what had happened, and the
associate asked her what the Principal's reaction was. She replied:
"Well, he hit the ceiling!!!"
-----
This Polish guy ordered a pizza with everything on it. When it came
out of the oven, the guy asked him if he'd like it cut into four or eight
pieces. "Make it four," said the Pole. "I'll never be able to eat eight."
-----
Two Poles walk into the post office and the first thing that catches
their eye is a bunch of "Wanted" posters, in particular a shot of a mean-looking
black guy beneath a banner that says "Wanted for Rape."
"You know," said on Pole to the other, "they get all the good jobs."
-----
This Pole got married, but he was too dumb to know what to do on his
wedding night.
"For God's sake, Stan," said his bride, "you take that thing you play
with and you put it where I pee."
So he got up and threw his bowling ball in the sink.
-----
The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He
stops for a moment or two, scratches his forehead, then asks the Cardinal,
"Can you think of a four-letter word for 'woman' that ends in 'u-n-t?'"
"Aunt," replies the Cardinal.
"Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?"
-----
A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.
"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
"My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away
for a few weeks. Here are the keys."
A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
1017 francs with interest.
"Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand
franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple," he replied. "Where else can you store a Rolls for
a month for seventeen francs?"
-----
JESUS SAVES!
Moses invests!
-----
JESUS SAVES!
But Moses gets the rebound ... he shoots ... HE SCORES!!!
-----
The Lone Ranger, while hunting down some low-down-murderous scum, is captured.
Fortunately, Silver escapes. The bad guys decide to take Loney out into the
desert and tie him down, naked, to stakes. Once they are satisfied that he is
secured, they leave him to die slowly.
Silver appears at the scene. The Lone Ranger says to him, "Silver, go to town
and get the posse!" Silver rears back, whinnies, and charges off to town,
many miles away.
All day, in the blistering sun, the Lone Ranger survives. Just as he thinks
the end is near, night falls. Though relieved at first, he begins to get
colder and colder. By sheer will power, he manages to survive the night.
As dawn breaks, he hears the thundering of horse hooves. Up gallops Silver
with a naked woman on his back.
"Goddammit, Silver, I said 'POSSE'!!!"
-----
This just came in from the WHO report:
The World Health Organization recently did a resarch in determining
the function of the knob at the end of the penis.
The Russians put in a million dollars and came up with the results
saying that the knob is there merely to please a man during sexual
encounters.
The French also put in a million dollars but came up with a different
conclusion citing that the knob is there for the pleasure of a woman.
The Poles put in $2.98 and discovered that the function of a knob
is to prevent the hand from slipping off!!!!
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