440 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
440 lines
17 KiB
Plaintext
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A very rich man, who was very close to his money, got together
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with his closest friends one day, who happened to be a Priest, a
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Doctor, and a Lawyer (or course.)
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The Rich Man was very old, and getting older, and was thinking
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about his approaching death. He told his three friends this,
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and asked them to do a favor for him when he died.
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"Here are three envelopes, each contain $100,000, one for each of
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you. I don't wish to go to the afterlife without my money.
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Please, when I am buried, would each of you throw your
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enveloples into the grave on top of my coffin?"
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The three friends agreed, and took the envelopes.
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Sure enough (of course) the Rich Man died. At his funeral, the
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Doctor, the Priest and the Lawyer threw their envelopes on his
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coffin.
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As they were leaving the funeral, the Priest said to the others,
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"I have a confession to make. The church needed a new altar
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badly, so I . . . I took $5000 to buy it," and looked at his
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feet.
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The Doctor said, "Well, since ou've admitted it, I too must
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confess that I took the money. The children's hospital where I
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work needed a new, expensive X-ray machine, so I took $30,000 to
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buy it."
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The Doctor and the Priest both turned to the lawyer, expecting a
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similar confession. Instead, he said "Oh, now, I didn't take any
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of the money. I put a check for the entire $100,000 in the
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envelope!"
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What's the difference between a dead rattlesnake on the road and
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a dead lawyer on the road?
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There are no skid-marks in front of the lawyer.
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Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
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From chasing parked ambulances.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?
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In the cemetary
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
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A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
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A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
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for a living.
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"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all
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day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
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"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up,
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scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
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"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father,
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Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays
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piano in a whorehouse."
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The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to
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geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang
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the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher
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explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
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Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I
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explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
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The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates.
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Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones,
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the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please follow me."
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Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.
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"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as
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he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room.
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Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment
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is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling,
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fierce-looking dog.
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Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above,
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"Mr.Jones! You have sinned!"
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Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men
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waiting at the entrance gate.
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"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the
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second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once
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again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water
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dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging
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everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of
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the floor.
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As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries,
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"Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
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Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting
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at the entrance gate.
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"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for
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you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they
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get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another
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dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the
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water dripping walls.
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But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer
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steps in the room the voice cries out,
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"Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
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The lawyer died. Having not lived an all-that-honest life he
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found himself at the gates of Hell. "Welcome to Hell" announced
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the Devil greeting him warmly. "Glad you could join us. As your
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last taste of free will, you are allowed to choose which of three
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possible places that you will spend the rest of eternity."
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There were three doors behind the Devil. He opened the first
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door. Flames shot into the room and the lawyer could see
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thousands of people amidst the fire. "No" said the lawyer. "Not
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this one."
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The Devil opened the second door. The lawyer could see thousands
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of people slaving away at a large rockpile. They were all being
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whipped as they hammered the large boulders into smaller
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boulders. "No" again said the lawyer.
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Finally, the devil opened up that last door which showed
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thousands of people in a incredibly large lake with vomit up to
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their chins. All of them were chanting 'Dont make waves, dont
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make waves...' "That's awful!!" commented the lawyer in
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repulsion.
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"You think that's bad?" asked the devil, "you should see it when
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the angels spend the weekend here with their motorboats!"
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The Pope died and went to heaven. When he got there, he found a
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lawyer in line in front of him at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter
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came over and told the Pope, "Just a minute, I'll be right back".
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At that, Saint Peter took the lawyer away.
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When Saint Peter came back, he told the Pope, "Follow me to your
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new quarters." Along the way they passed many people in their
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heavenly abodes, and they happened to pass by the quarters of the
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lawyer who had preceded Saint Peter through the Pearly Gates.
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The Pope was awe-struck by the opulence and splendor of the
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lawyer's quarters. There were fine silks, rare foods and drinks,
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soft music, and attractive young women to serve him for eternity.
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Saint Peter and the Pope finally arrived at the Pope's new
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quarters. The Pope looked in and saw a 6 foot by 9 foot room
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with bare walls, a plain bed and a Bible for entertainment. The
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Pope said, "I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I am wondering
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why the lawyer gets such a magnificent room and I get this small
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room.
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Saint Peter said, "Well, you see, we have a great many popes here
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in heaven, but only ONE lawyer."
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How do you save a drowning laywer?
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Throw him a rock.
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Person 1: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
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Person 2: No.
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Person 1: GOOD!
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A rabbi, a priest, and a lawyer were all caught in a shipwreck.
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Naturally, there are a lot of sharks circling around. All of a
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sudden, one shark darts in and grabs the priest for lunch. No
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more priest.
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The rabbi starts praying frantically, but to no avail, as a shark
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comes in and eats him, too.
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Now the lawyer is really worried, as a shark is coming for him.
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But, miracle of miracles, the shark puts him on its back, carries
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him to shore, and lets him off.
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The lawyer, curious, waits till the shark is far enough away not
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to eat him, and asks, "How come you didn't eat me?" And the
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shark replies, "Professional Courtesy!"
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Hildago was defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was captured
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on is way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and
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shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over
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to the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him
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to the army where he was then executed.
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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into
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the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony.
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Doctor Green came over to see him.
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"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was
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in court when you accused me of malpractice."
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"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
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it be?"
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"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a
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doctor."
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"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
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know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
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"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
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"What are you talking about?"
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"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
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everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
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"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
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"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
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out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
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"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
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"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
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Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'
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Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and
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I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my
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client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were
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no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk
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make me sick.' "
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"Why are you reading that to me?"
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"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
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a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
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"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
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"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
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sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs
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anymore."
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"Then get me another doctor."
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"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
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after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my
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office. This is the only place that I can practice."
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"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
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appeal your case to a higher court."
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"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate
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for a kidney stone."
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"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
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looking at him."
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"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
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you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to
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crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you
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called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I
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said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
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"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
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ounce of Demerol?"
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"I better check you out first."
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"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
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"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
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examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if
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I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
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"What for?"
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"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get
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sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
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"I'm not going to sue you."
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"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
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after you pass the kidney stone?"
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A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
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country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year.
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Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his
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(no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this
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place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
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On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend
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to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a
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lawyer, agreed.
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Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and
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living in the great outdoors.
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Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion
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went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they
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went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and
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raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears -
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a male and a female.
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Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for
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cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear
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reached him and swallowed him whole.
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The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has
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he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff
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grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the
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lawyer.
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Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
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"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
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visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head.
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He just had to save his friend.
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The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye,
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leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
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"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in
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the other!"
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"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer
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who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
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Saint Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took
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a little stroll. He noticed that the fence between heaven and
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hell was in need of some repair. So he hollers over the fence to
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Lucifer.
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Saint Peter: "This fence needs some repair. I'll see to it that
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it gets fixed if you will help pay for it."
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Lucifer: "If you want it fixed, you pay for it."
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Saint Peter: "The fence is partly your responsibility and you
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will help pay for it or I will sue you for that amount."
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Lucifer: "Ha!! Where do you think you are going to get a
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lawyer?!"
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A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
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bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"
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"Sure do," replied the bartender.
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"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer
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for my 'gator."
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A hindu, a rabbi, and a lawyer are traveling together and need to
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stop for the night. So they stop at the next farmhouse, and find
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lodging, with the qualification that the house is only big enough
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for two of them, and one will have to sleep in the barn. So the
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hindu volunteers and goes out to sleep in the barn while the
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lawyer and rabbi sleep in the house.
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A few minutes later, however, the lawyer and rabbi hear a knock
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on the door, and opening it, find the hindu who protests "There
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is a cow in the barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with
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cattle." So the rabbi and the lawyer agree that perhaps the
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rabbi should trade places with the hindu, and the rabbi goes out.
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Within a short time, the hindu and the lawyer are getting ready
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to go to sleep, when again there is a knock on the door. Opening
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the door they find the rabbi protesting, "There is a pig in the
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barn. Surely you can't expect me to sleep with a pig!".
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Weary of the whole problem by this time, the lawyer pulls the
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rabbi into the house, grabs a blanket and heads for the barn.
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Almost immediately, there is a third knocking at the door, and
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opening the door they find the pig and the cow. "Surely you
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can't expect us to sleep with a lawyer."
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There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study
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of the law.
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No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer
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interprets the truth.
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- Jean Giradoux
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A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support
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two.
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There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those
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who know the judge.
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"I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so
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let's discuss his absence of character!
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- Michael Lara
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"There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when
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he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his
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salary as 'unearned income.'"
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- ibid
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Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law
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degree.
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