529 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
529 lines
24 KiB
Plaintext
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(word processor parameters LM=1, RM=70, TM=2, BM=2)
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Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
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Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
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PO BOX 1031
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Mesquite, TX 75150
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BEST1001.ASC
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October 29, 1990
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this file courtesy of Larry Blue
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WARNING, THIS FILE IS FOR ADULTS 18 OR OLDER!!
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What do you do if you drop your keys in San Francisco?
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Kick them to San Jose. Then pick them up..........
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This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender
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serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke
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the other day. Do you want to hear it?"
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The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you
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that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar?
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They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're
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Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"
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The guy replied, "Hell no! I don't want to explain it five
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times..."
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This bear was sitting on a log in the woods, taking a shit. Along
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came a rabbit. The rabbit asked, "Do you mind if I join you?"
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The bear replied "Suit yourself." So there they both sat, taking
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a shit. After they were finished, the bear asked the rabbit, "Do
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you ever have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The
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rabbit said, "No". The bear says, "Good!" Then he grabs the
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rabbit and with a long sweeping motion wipes his ass..........
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What is the definition of the perfect wife?
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A mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.......
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What is the definition of the perfect husband?
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A guy with a seven inch tongue that can breath through his
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ears.....
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What is white and this long, (hands held about nine inches
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apart).
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NOTHING.......
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Best Seller List:
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-----------------
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Under the Grandstand by Seymore Butz
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Defensive Driving by Rex Carr & Helen Wheels
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Mathematics Made Easy by Lois Denominator
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Pumping Gas by Phil R. Upp
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Page 1
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Run to the Outhouse by Willie Makit & Betty Dont
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Chinese Population Explosion by Wee-fuken Yung
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Satisfied! by Massaj Mahrod
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What do you get if you mix an Aggie and a Mexican?
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A guy that spray paints his name on a chain link fence.......
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This big time salesman went to several conferences a year. Every
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time he would take a $1000.00 bill with him. One day his wife
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came home and announced that she was going to the National
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Housewives Convention and she would need a thousand dollars.
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The salesman asked her, "Why?" She said, "You take a thousand
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dollars with you every time you go to a convention."
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He said, " Yea, but, you don't drink. You don't gamble, and you
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have your own pussy. What do you need a thousand dollars for?"
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------------------------------------------------------------------
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Why did Santa Ana only have 2,000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
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They only had two station wagons....
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They had a pickup truck, but it wouldn't start..........
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Why can't they find a cure for A.I.D.S.?
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They can't get two rats to butt fuck.......
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What does "N" stand for at the University of Nebraska?
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Nowledge
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These two Aggies were standing on a corner next to an old stray
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dog. All of a sudden, the dog started licking his balls.
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One Aggie looked down and said, "Boy, I sure wish I could do
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that."
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The other Aggie leaned around and said, "Go ahead, he looks
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friendly..."
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What do Billy Graham and the Dallas Cowboys have in common?
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They both can fill up Texas Stadium, and in fifteen minutes,
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they both can have the crowd yelling Jesus Christ!!
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What do Arkansas women put behind their ears to attract guys?
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Their ankles.
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Did you hear about the Pollack that thought his wife was trying
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to kill him?
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He found a bottle of polish remover in the medicine cabinet.....
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How do you keep little black kids from jumping on the bed?
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Put velcro on the ceiling.......
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Page 2
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God and St. Peter were playing golf one day. St. Peter teed his
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ball up and hit it. It was a real nice shot about three hundred
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yards down the fairway.
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Then God teed his ball up. He took a big swing and hit it.
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At first it looked like a real nice shot. Then all of a sudden,
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it hooked and started for the woods. Just before it went into the
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woods, a bird flew out and grabbed the ball and flew over the
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water trap and let it go.
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Just before it went into the water, a turtle surfaced. The ball
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landed on it's back as he swam to the shore. Just as the turtle
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got to the shore, a squirrel ran out of the woods and grabbed the
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ball. Then the squirrel ran up on the green and dropped the ball
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in the cup.
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St. Peter turned to God and said, "Are we gonna play golf, or are
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you gonna fuck around!!"
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This guy gets his penis shot off in Vietnam. One day at home he
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is reading the T.V. guide and sees an ad for a doctor that says he
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can fix this.
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When he gets to the doctor, he asks, "What do you use." The
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doctor says, "Baby elephant trunks." So the guy decides to have
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the surgery.
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About six months go by and the guy finally gets the nerve up to
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ask a lady out to dinner. As they are eating dinner, this thing
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comes out from under the table, grabs a biscuit, and darts back
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underneath the table.
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The girl sees this and thinks to herself, "If that happens again,
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I'm going to have to say something."
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A few minutes later, this thing comes out from under the table and
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grabs another biscuit.
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The lady says, "Buddy, I don't know what that is, but, if it
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happens again, I'm going to get mad!"
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The guy says, "Your going to get mad. Hell, if that thing stuffs
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another biscuit up my ass, I'm REALLY going to get mad!
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Why did God's chosen children wander in the desert for forty
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years?
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One of them dropped a quarter............
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Little Johnny was sitting in the courtyard turning a bottle of
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liquid back and forth, watching the bubbles. The Priest walked up
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and asked him what he was doing?
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Little Johnny replied, "I'm looking at the most powerful liquid in
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the world." The Priest said, "But Johnny, Holy Water is the most
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powerful liquid in the world. Did you know that if you put Holy
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Water on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a boy!"
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Page 3
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Little Johnny said, "Big deal! This is turpentine. If you put
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this on a cat's ass, he'll pass a Harley Davidson......."
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This couple was crossing the desert with a camel. The lady was
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pregnant and riding the camel. All of a sudden, they were stopped
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by an Israeli patrol. The soldiers asked for some identification.
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The soldiers looked at the I.D.s and saw that the man was Joseph,
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and the lady was Mary. So they asked the couple where they were
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going. They replied "Jerusalem."
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The two soldiers looked at each other and grinned, "Yea, and I
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guess your going to name the baby Jesus?" The couple replied, "
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What!? We look Puerto Rican?!?!?!"
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This truck driver sits down in a diner and orders dinner. When
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the waitress brings his plate, he notices that she has got her
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thumb in his mashed potatoes. He says, "Hey, you've got your
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thumb in my mashed potatoes."
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The waitress replies, "The doctor said I have arthritis and I
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should keep my thumb warm." The truck driver says, "Well you dumb
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bitch, why don't you stick your thumb up your ass!" She says, "I
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do when I'm in the kitchen......"
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This zoo had a female gorilla, but no male gorilla. This female
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gorilla was really getting horny and the zoo had no one to take
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care of her.
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One day they decided to advertise in the paper for someone who
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would "take care of" this female gorilla. They started at $200.00
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but got no response. Finally, at $1000.00 a guy answered the ad.
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The guy looked at the gorilla and told the zoo keeper that he
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would do it, but only if they would put a bag over the gorilla's
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head. The zoo keeper agreed. So they put a bag over the gorillas
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head and this guy got into the cage.
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Well this gorilla was extremely horny. She grabbed this guy and
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started fucking him every way you could imagine.
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They were bouncing off the walls, up and down the cage, making
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love wildly. All of a sudden the guy started yelling at the top
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of his voice, "Get it off! Get it off!" So the attendants jumped
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in the cage and pulled the gorilla off.
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The guy yelled, "What the hell are you doing?!" "You said to get
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it off." The guy says, "Hell, I meant the bag, I wanna kiss the
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bitch!"
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This Texan goes to Hawaii for vacation. The first place they go
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is a beach. The Texan says, "Well yaknow, this is really a pretty
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beach, but it aint no big deal. Hell, we got beaches just as
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pretty on South Padre Island."
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The next place they go is Honolulu. The Texan says, "Well, yea
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this is alright. But we got more buildings, and taller buildings
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than this in both Houston and Dallas. This aint no big deal."
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Well this goes on all day. Everywhere they go, there is something
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in Texas just as good. The tour guide is getting tired of this.
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Page 4
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Finally he takes the group up to the top of a live volcano. As
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they are standing around this, the tour guide looked at the Texan
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and asked, "Well you son of a bitch, you got anything like this in
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Texas?"
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The Texan thought about it for a minute and replied, "Well no.
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But I'll tell you what. We got a fire department in Waco that
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will put that son of a bitch out in about fifteen minutes....."
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These two ladies were walking down the street when they came
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across this frog. The frog said, "Kiss me and I will turn into a
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handsome Texas oil man."
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One lady reached down, grabbed the frog and put it in her purse.
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The other looked at her and said, "Aren't you going to kiss that
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frog?" She replied, "Hell no! A talking frog is worth a lot more
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money than a Texas oil man......"
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What is a Jewish American Princess's favorite wine?
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I wanna go to Miami.....
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Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic swimming team?
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They're all over here.......
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How many Ethiopians can you get in a phone booth?
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All of them.........
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What do you call two queers named Bob?
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Oral Roberts.....
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Did you hear how Moses got the ten commandments? God was coming
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down the mountain and the first person he came across was not
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Moses. It was a Roman.
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He asked the Roman if he wanted any commandments? The Roman
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replied, What's a commandment?" God said, "Thou shalt not kill."
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The Roman replied, "Hell no! We're a warring nation. That's how
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we make our living."
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So God went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was
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a nomadic tribesman. He asked this guy if he wanted a
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commandment. The guy replied, "What's a commandment?" God said,
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"Thou shalt not steal."
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The guy said, "Hell no! That's how we make our living." So God
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went on down the mountain. The next guy he came across was Moses
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with a bunch of little Jews following him.
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God asked Moses, "Do you want any commandments?" Moses asked, "How
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much are they?" God said, "They're free." Moses replied "Yea
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sure, we'll take ten....."
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Why did God invent women?
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Sheep can't cook......
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Page 5
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This guy was walking through the desert when he found a magic
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lamp. He picked the lamp up and rubbed the side of it. Sure
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enough, a genie popped out.
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The genie said, "Thank you for getting me/out of that lamp. In
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return, I will grant you one wish." So the guy thought about it
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and said, "I want a foreign car dealership in a major metropolitan
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city." Pooof, he had a Chrysler dealership in Tokyo...
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One day a Catholic Priest, Methodist Preacher, and a Jewish Rabbi
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were sitting around discussing how they divide the take from each
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Sabbath.
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The Priest said, "What I do is I draw a line down the center of
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the room and then throw the money up in the air. Whatever lands
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on the left is God's, whatever lands on the right is mine."
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The Preacher said, "Well I do almost the same thing only I draw a
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circle in the middle of the room. Whatever lands in the circle is
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mine and the rest belongs to God."
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The Rabbi says, "No, you both are doing it wrong. I take the
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money and throw it up in the air. Then I yell, God, Take what you
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want!. Whatever comes back down is mine......"
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This guy goes walking into a bar with an alligator. He sets the
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the alligator up on the bar and asks the bartender, "Do you serve
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cajuns in this bar?"
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The bartender replies, "Yes sir. We have to by federal law."
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The guy goes, "Good! Bring me a scotch and water and a cajun
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for my alligator...."
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Why wasn't Jesus born in Tennessee?
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They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin......
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Why won't a rattlesnake bite a salesman?
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Professional courtesy.......
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Do you know how to get rid of a bunch of Libyans?
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Tell a bunch of Cajuns they're good eating, and out of season..
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This low budget oil producer had an oil well that was on fire. He
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called every oil well fire fighter in the phone book. All of them
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were very expensive. Red Adair wanted $25,000 just to come look
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at the fire. There was no way he could afford this. Finally, he
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noticed an ad for Jose's Fire Fighting Service. He called Jose
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and asked how much he charged?
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Jose said, "Senor, I only charge $1,000." The producer thought,
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Great! "Well OK Jose, come on out and look at my oil well fire."
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The producer was standing on a hill looking at his oil well fire
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when a pickup truck with Jose's Fire Fighting on the door and ten
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Mexicans in the back came across the hill and drove straight into
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the fire.
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Page 6
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All of the Mexicans got out of the truck and started stomping
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their feet and waiving their serapes screaming, "Ariba! Ariba!"
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After about fifteen minutes, the fire was out. The producer
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couldn't believe it. The fire was out! The producer yelled,
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"Congratulations Jose! What are you going to do with the $1,000?"
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Jose answered, "Well senor, the first thing I do is feex the
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brakes on this truck..."
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Jack and Jill were working for this company. The company had run
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into some bad times and the guy that owned the company was going
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to have to lay either Jack or Jill off. He really couldn't decide
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which one to lay off because they were both really good workers.
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One day, he decided which ever one of them came back from lunch
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first, he was going to lay off. Sure enough, here came Jill up
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the front stairs. As she entered the front door, he walked up
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to her and said, "Listen Jill, I'm really sorry but I'm going to
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have to either lay you or Jack off."
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Jill replied, "Well you're going to have to jack off cause I got a
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headache........"
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This guy was saying, "Now that I have taken the Dallas Cowboys
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bumper sticker off my car, it's passing and running better..."
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How did Donna Rice vote in the '88 election?
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Undecided. She couldn't decide whether to give her heart to Bush,
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or give her bush to Hart.......
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What did Gary Hart say to Donna Rice the day after the election?
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"I said LICK THE ERECTION, not WRECK THE ELECTION !!"
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Why do women sky divers wear tampons?
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So they won't whistle on the way down.
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What do you call a dog with no legs??? Cigarette.
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He won't come when you call, but you can always take him out for a
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drag.
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Upon answering the door to her whorehouse, the madam was surprised
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to see an amputee.
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"Look at yourself," the madam said, "no arms, no legs, what could
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you possibly do?"
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He replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
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How does an Aggie tie his shoe?
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(put left foot on chair, tie right shoe)
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Page 7
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URINALYSIS
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------------
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EXITABLE - Rips apart shorts if he can't find it right away.
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TOUGH - Bangs dick on side of urinal.
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CLEVER - Look, no hands! Fixes tie, looks around. Pisses on
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floor.
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EFFICIENT - Reads messages while pissing. Pisses on floor.
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DIFFERENT - Doesn'care if urinals are in use or not. Pisses in
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sink
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BUREAUCRAT - Can't piss with out being told when, where, & for
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how long.
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ABSENT MINDED - Opens vest, Pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
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FRIVILOUS - Plays with stream. shoots at flys/gnats.
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AGGIE - Leaves with that big mint that someone left in the
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urinal.
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What's the difference in a Texas Oilman & a Pigeon?
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The Pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.
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What's the difference between Pigmy Geniuses & Women Joggers?
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The Pigmies are a cunning bunch of runts....
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What's the difference between straight rodeo riders & gay Rodeo
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riders?
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The fans of the straight rider yell "ride that sucker!"...
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What's the difference between an angry rooster & a lawyer?
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The rooster clucks with defiance...
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5000 years ago, Moses said:
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Pick up your shovel, mount your ass,
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and I'll lead you to the promised land.
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5000 years later, Roosevelt said:
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Lay down your shovel, sit on your ass, and light up a camel,
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for this is the promised land.
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Today, Reagan will tax your shovel,
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sell your camel, kick your ass,
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and tell you there is no promised land.
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Page 8
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