textfiles/humor/JOKES/jokes8.txt

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     Jack and Jill were hired by a big computer corporation.  They
worked there for about half a year until hard times hit the company.
The boss was forced to lay people off until it he got to Jack and
Jill's department.  Jack was on his coffee break, so the boss told
Jill:
     "I'm sorry, Jill.  But I'm gonna have to lay you or Jack off."
     "Well I'm sorry too," replied Jill.  You're gonna have to
jack off cause I have a headache!"

THE REAL REASON STEVIE WONDER AND RAY CHARLES WEAR DARK GLASSES IS NOT
BECAUSE THEY ARE BLIND...
BOTH HAVE BLUE EYES!

WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A FAT PERSON AND A VIRGIN ???
---
ONE IS TRYING TO DIET AND THE OTHER IS DYING TO TRY IT.

WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ETHIOPIAN WOMAN WITH A YEAST INFECTION ?
A QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE

An aggie goes into a bar.  He orders two beers, drinks one and
pours the other one on his hand.  He orders two more , drinks
one and pours the other on his hand.  He does it a third time.
The bartender asks him why he drinks one and pours the other on
his
hand.  He says, "I feel like  getting drunk tonight and I want
my date to get drunk too!

How does a jew say fuck you?
Trust me.
What's green, five miles long and has a thousand legs with an I.Q. of 3?
A New York City St. Patrick's day parade.
How do you babysit black kid's?
Put velcro on the ceiling and tell them to jump on the bed.
How do you get them down?
Invite the mexican kids over for a pinata party!
What`s the difference between jews and pizza's?
Pizzas don't scream when you put 'em in an oven.
How can you tell a rich Ethiopian?
He`s the one with the rolex around his waist.
What's Ronald Reagan's favorite vegetable?
James Brady
What do you call an ethiopian with buck teeth?
A rake.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
Eileen.

The poor guy walks up to the rich guy's house. He's down on
his luck and needs some money. He rings the doorbell.
 
"Hi there, I'm down on my luck, need some money, and I was
wondering if you have any work I could do for you?"
 
The rich Guy decides to give him a break, and says:
"Sure, my porch needs painting. I'll pay you 50 dollars to do
it for me."
 
"Sure thing, Mister, I'll get started right away!"
 
Time passes, until...
"Hey Mister, I'm all done painting!"
"Well, here's your 50 dollars"
"Thanks, and by the way, it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
 
 What do you call two gays named Bob?
 Oral Roberts.
 
 Have you heard of the two Irish Gays?
 Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.

Did you hear about the man who spent the day at the beach 
throwing rocks at the birds?
He didn't quit until he left no tern unstoned.

There once was a chap named Perlmutter
Who late one night was heard to utter,
"If her Bartholin glands
Don't respond to my hands,
I'm afraid I shall have to use butter."

Economists give their GNP growth forecasts to the nearest tenth of a 
percentage point just to show they have a sense of humor.
 
The Golden Rule: Those with the Gold make the Rules.
 
Self-describing economic theory: The Laffer Curve.
 
Tanstaafl.

How many fundamentalists does it take to change a light bulb?
None.  The Bible says nothing of light bulbs, so they must be a tool of
 the devil.  Takes one to light a new candle, though.
 
Why did the fundamentalist cross the road?
To get on God's side.
 
Why are fundamentalists against any kind of sex other than procreation? 
They can't enjoy it so why should we have all the fun?
 
Why do fundamentalists have church on TV?
Cause they're afraid to go in person.
 
Why do fundamentalists have no sense of humor?
Because they take everything literally.

here's some good stuff from the Ninth Annual Young Comedians Special:

DID YOU HEAR THAT ALL THE MEMBERS OF THE POLISH ICE HOCKEY TEAM
WERE TRAGICALLY LOST?--THEY WERE KILLED DURING SPRING TRAINING.
...............................................................
I WAS THINKING...WHY SPEND ALL THAT MONEY ON "KRYSTAL" THE NEW
PERFUME DESIGNED TO CAPTURE LINDA EVANS' SCENT WHEN YOU COULD
DO THE SAME THING WITH A CAN OF TUNA!?

What does the JAP do with her asshole every morning?
- Sends him off to work, of course....

WHY HAVE ALL THE ALLIGATOR'S IN FLORIDA BEEN DYING?
SEEMS THEY HAVE CONTRACTED GATORAIDES!!!!!

There has been a lot of publicity recently regarding Johnny
Carson's joke contrasting parrots and Nevada women. In further-
ance of my aim to provide complete (and unbiased) reports, I 
have learned that many other states were the butts of Johnny's
jokes. Some of them follow:
Q:? What is the difference between a Wisconsin farmer and Wis-
consin Cheese?
A:  One is old, smelly and moldy and the other goes good on 
crackers.
Q:? Why do all the college football fields in Ohio have artif-
icial turf?
A:It prevents the cheerleaders from grazing on the fields 
after the games.
Q:? Why do Kentuckians no longer put ice in their drinks?
A:  They lost the recipe.
Q:? What is the difference between a werewolf and a girl from
Tennessee?
A:Werewolves are hairy only when the moon is full.
...I only report them, I don't write them.

WHAT DO YOU GET IF YOU CROSS A WHORE THAT WEARS BRACES AND
AN ELECTRIC DRILL?
ANSWER....A BLACK AND DECKER PECKER WRECKER.

What's grey & comes in quarts?  Elephants
 
What do elephants use for condoms?  Blimps
 
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
How can you breathe through that tiny thing?
 
An elephant walks into a bar...bounces off.
 
Why are there so many elephant jokes?
Because they're so thick-skinned.
 
What's red and white on the outside and grey and lumpy inside?
Campbell's Cream of Elephant Soup!

There are two prisoners in the cell that have just been introduced to
each other.
--1st inmate-- "So buddy, what are you in here for"
--2nd inmate-- "First degree murder!"
               "So, what are you in here for?"
--1st inmate-- "Beastiality!"
--2nd inmate-- "Wow! How low can you go!"
--1st inmate-- "Hamsters!!!!!"

We are all pretty upset, of course, about the fact that so few
of America's allies go along with President Reagan's ban on 
business deals with the Libyans.  West Germany is the biggest
disappointment, but then the Germans have always had a weakness
for insane dictators.

A young man was fishing off a pier and an older one joined him.  "Howdy
stranger," began the elder, "what brings you to these parts?"  "Well,
it's my honeymoon." responded the younger.  "Well, if it's your 
honeymoon, shouldn't you be in the cabin with the missus, if you know
what I mean?"  "Can't," responded the fisherman, "she's got gonnorhea."
"Well, I say, I mean, couldn't you, um, sort of, er, flip her over?" 
"Nope, she's also got diarrhea."  "Er, um, you could, ulp, use her 
mouth, couldn't you?"  "Uh-uh.  She's got pyorrhea, you know, gum 
disease."  "Well, what the hell did you marry her for?"  Casting his 
line over the water he responded, "She's also got worms, and they're 
great for fishing."
##############################
Proof that all odd numbers are prime, various approaches:
 
Mathematician:  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, therefore by
induction, all odd numbers are prime.
 
Alternate mathematician's proof:  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is not prime, neither is 15, therefore not all not odd numbers are 
not prime; applying the contrapositive, the original lemma holds.
 
Physicist:  3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9--experimental error,
11 is prime, 13 is prime...therefore all odd numbers are prime.
 
Engineer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is prime, 11 is prime...
 
Philosopher: 3 is prime, therefore all odd numbers are prime.
 
Lawyer: 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 11 is prime...
 
Programmer: Damn, can't find my sieve routine.
 
Politician: 3 is prime, uh, what comes next?
##########################################
A management consulting company was hired during the war to find a way
to defeat the Germans.  In particular, the German U-Boats were the area
that made them so dangerous.  The firm did come up with a solution worthy
of their business, though:
 
BOIL THE OCEAN!

WHY DON'T JEWISH HUSBANDS EVER GET HEAD FROM THEIR WIVES?
BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHEWERS!

A guy decides to take up skydivingas a sport. So he contacts
a flight school and sets up the lessons. After taking the 
classes and practicing for a couple of weeks on the ground he
is ready for his first flight. He takes off and is standing in
the door of the plane checking over his gear to make sure
it is all OK. They reach altitude and he jumps. As soon as he
is clear he pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens! So he 
immediately pulls the cord for his reserve chute. Again nothing
happens. As he looks down and see himself rushing toward the 
ground henotices another man flying straight up at him. As they
pass he screams to the other guy "Hey do you know anything about
parachutes?" To which the other guy replies "No , Do you know
anything about a gas stove?"

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOLDUP AND A STICKUP?
YOUR AGE.
................................................................
WHY DID THE GREEK BOY LEAVE HOME?
HE DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY HE WAS BEING REARED.
................................................................
HOW CAN YOU IDENTIFY AN OLD MAN IN THE DARK?
IT'S NOT HARD.
................................................................
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 101 YR OLD MAN ARRESTED FOR RAPE?
HE WAS CHARGED WITH ASSAULT WITH A DEAD WEAPON.

A Jew and a Chinaman are at a bar.  They get to talking about
Pearl Harbor.  The Jew starts blaming the incident at Pearl 
Harbor on the Chinaman.  The Chinaman responds, "I am Chinese,
the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor."
  Then the Jew says, "Japanese, Chinese, they're all the same
to me.
  Later, the two start talking about the sinking of the Titanic.
The Chinaman starts blaming the Jew for this incident.  The Jew
responds, "Jews didn't sink the titanic, an iceberg did."
  Then the Chinaman says, "Iceberg, Goldberg, they're all the
same to me."

Old Jokes from the Deep SouthPX.z:
What do riding a Jap motorcycle and having sex with a fat girl
have in common?
It feels great until somebody sees you!
.
A Boy Scout, a priest, and Jesse Jackson are on a plane during
the '84 elections. The pilot informs them that the plan is going
to crash and that they all have to bail out immeadiately(sp).
The problem is that there's only 2 parachutes. Jesse Jackson 
grabs one and says "I'm the smartest black in the world! I've
got to live so my Rainbow Coalition can elect me President!" and
jumps out the plane. The Priest and the Boy Scout Look at each
other for a moment. Finally, the priest says "Son, I've lived
all my life in God's service, and your's is just beginning. You
take the last parachute." The Boy Scout says, "That's OK, the
smartest black man in the world just jumped out with my 
knapsack!"

Q: How do French Girls hold their liquor?
A: By the ears.

A black man goes to the unemployment office.  The counselor tells him
they have a scanner that determines what job will best suit him, and 
leads him to a booth.  "A tape will come out with code letters on it,
and you just bring this tape to me when it's finished.  Now I can't stay
in the booth with you because it will read both of us and get confused."
So the black guy waits in the booth, a light comes on, and a scanning
device starts moving around his body.  The tape with code letters starts
coming out the the machine.  The first letters are B I M M.  "Bimm? What
be Bimm?  I know, I be working for Bimm Corporation.  Alright!" Now the
second line of code comes out: H Y . "H Y?  Hawaii! I be working for 
Bimm Corporation in Hawaii!"  The third line now emerges, B A R . "Hot
damn! I be tending bar in Hawaii for Bimm!" And then another line: T P
C T . "T P C T? What that? I know! Ten Percent! I be getting ten percent
tending bar in Hawaii for Bimm!" The COMPLETE light turns on, so he 
leaves the booth and saunters over to the counselor with the tape, 
grinning from ear to ear. "I know what this code means!  I be working
for Bimm Corporation in Hawaii, tending bar and I get ten percent!"

The counselor looks at the tape:
 
B I M M
H Y
B A R
T P C T
 
"Well, no, Mr. Jackson, that's not what it means.  What it means is
 
Be In Memphis Monday
Have Your
Black Ass Ready
To Pick Cotton Tuesday"
###############################
Did you hear what J.C. Penney's did to celebrate Martin Luthur King Day
They had a WHITE sale!!!

A Russian and a Pole were college roommates, and stayed in touch when
the Pole returned to his native land. Ten years go by and the Russian
happens to find himself in Warsaw, so he calls his friend up. They get
together at the Pole's country place, drink imported French wine, and
admire original artwork. The Russian is surprised at the Pole's 
trappings of success and asks how he made out so well. "You see, Ivan,
being a civil engineer does not require living poorly? See that bridge
out there?" he asked, pointing, "I ordered three times as much steel as
I needed, and sold the rest on the black market.  That's how I can 
manage to live so comfortably." The Russian thinks the matter over on
his way home. Ten more years go by, and the Pole finds himself in Moscow
for the Fourth Five-Year-Plan Congress of Civil Engineers, and runs into
his dear friend Ivan.  Ivan insists on taking Jerzy to his dachau, and
it is three times bigger than Jerzy's. They sip 1959 Cognac, feast on
Maine Lobster and Argentine beef, and admire rare first-edition books,
many officially banned. "I've got to hand it to you Jerzy, your 
suggestions worked wonders." "I'm stunned! How did you get away with 
this much money?" "Easy Jerzy, just look out the window at that bridge."
"WHAT bridge?"  "Exactly."

Jim McMahon has aids...seems he put his meat in the
Refrigerator. <THANKYEW YER A WUNNERFUL AUDIENCE>

Lady to bank teller:  "I'd like to deposit this $100 bill in my
account.  Teller to lady:  "I'm sorry ma'am, this is 
counterfeit."  Lady:  "My God, I've been raped."

In the best whorehouse in town, a man in a plaid jacket enters.
 "I'm Larry the Lumberjack and I'm the toughest, meanest SOB on
the planet and I want a woman as tough as I am down here in two
minutes with six bottles of Henry Weinhart's beer and I want to
be left alone with her.  Two minutes later, BIG Bertha plants
six bottles of Henry's on the night stand, takes off her 
clothes, and gets on all fours on the floor.  Larry says, "Durn
it woman, I want to do it on the bed like a man and woman, not
on the floor like a dog!"  Bertha replies, "I gotcha mac, I just
thought you might want to open them beers first."

A LADY GETS INTO A CAB IN N.Y.C. STARK
NAKED AND ASKS THE CABBY TO TAKE HER TO
46TH & 8TH AV. HE SAYS,"LADY HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO PAY FOR THIS?" SHE SAYS,"WITH
THIS!" & POINTS TO HER PUSSY. HE SAYS 
"DON'T YOU HAVE ANYTHING SMALLER?"
 
THE POLICE STATION WAS ROBBED LAST NIGHT.
ALL THE TOILET SEATS WERE STOLEN AND THE
COPS HAVE NOTHING TO GO ON.
 
A BLIND MAN IS WALKING AROUND A DEPARTMENT
STORE WITH HIS GUIDE DOG. SUDDENLY HE 
PICKS UP THE DOG AND WHIRLS HIM AROUND BY
HIS TAIL. A HORRIFIED SALES CLERK RUNS 
OVER. "CAN I HELP YOU SIR" SHE ASKS. "NO
I'M JUST LOOKING AROUND."

EL AL = EVERY LANDING ALWAYS LATE
TAP = TAKE ANOTHER PLANE
KLM = KOOKY LANDING MACHINERY
PAN AM = PRICES ARE NOT ALWAYS MODERATE
USAIR = UN SAFE AS IN RUIN
TWA = TAKE WHATEVER'S AVAILABLE
BOAC = BLOODY OLD AIR CRAP
CAAC = CHANCES ARE ANYTHING'S CHOICER
PSA = PRETTY SHITTY AIRLINE
AIRCAL = AM I REALLY CARING ARRIVING 
           LATE?
UAL = UNUSUALLY ABOMINABLE LANDINGS
BEA = BEST EVASIVE ACTION
JAL = JUST ABOUT LOST
AA = AVOID ALL
QUANTAS = QUITE UNLIKE ANY NORMAL TYPE 
            AIRCRAFT, SUCKER
AEROFLOT = ALMOST EVERYONE RETCHES ONCE
            FINISHED LANDING ON THIS
LIAT = LUGGAGE IN ANOTHER TERMINAL
LIAT = LEAVING IN ANY TIME

What is the definition of Endless Love?
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.....

Why do JAP'S get married?--Because vibrators can't take them shopping.
......................................................................
How did Helen Keller meet her husband?--On a blind date, of course.

  A man was driving through an unfamilar city. He noticed in certain
section of town, that women would come up to him at stoplights and 
say "Nookie Nookie Ten Fifty". This happened a few more times and this
man being a bit naive wanted to find out what this meant. He spotted
a convent along the road and thought they might have the answer. 
He knocked on the door and Mother Superior answered. He asked
her what's nookie nookie? She said "Ten fifty, same as downtown".


What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
---Using a feather is erotic, using the whole chicken is kinky.

When you write a program that "learns"--it usually turns out 
thatyou do and it doesnt.
 
If you are explaining your program and your listener nods 
his/her head--wake him/her up!
 
Turning the obvious into the useful is a living definition of
the word frustration.
 
If more than one person worked on the program, no one will turn
out to be responsible for the bug.

 It seems that when God was making the world, He called man over and
bestowed upon him twenty years of normal sex life.  Man was horrified!!
"Only twenty years of normal sex life?"  But the Lord was very adamant;
that was all man could have.
     Then the Lord called the monkey and gave him twenty years.  "But
I don't need twenty years", he protested, "ten is plenty for me".  Man
spoke up eagerly. "Can I have the other ten?"  The monkey graciously 
agreed. 
     Then the Lord called the lion and gave him twenty years; and the
lion, like the monkey, wanted only ten.  Again man spoke up: "Can I have
the other ten?"  The lion said of course he could. 
     Then came the donkey and he was given twenty years.  But, like the
others, ten was sufficient, and again, man pleaded: "Can I have the 
other ten?"
     Which explains why man has twenty years of normal sex life, ten 
years of monkeying around, ten years of lion about it, and ten years of
making an ass of himself.
#############################
three strings were standing in front of a bar and were deciding wether
or not to have a drink. The first says "You know they don't serve 
strings in this bar." The second says, "let's try anyway."
  
So the first string goes up to the bar and asks the bartender for a 
beer. The bar tender says "Your a string. We don't serve strings here
Get out of my bar"
   
The second string goes in and asks for a drink and gets the same 
treatment.
   
The third string decides that a disguise would help and makes a not at
his neck to look like a tie and frays the end of the string to look like
hair. He enters the bar and asks the bartender for a beer and the 
bartender serves him one. But the bartender thinks something is wrong
and stares at the string for a while and comes over and says "Are you
a string?" The string replies "No, I'm afraid not" 

Here is one for the road.......
DID YOU KNOW BEER MADE PEOPLE SMART?????
..........
IT MADE BUDWISER....HA HA REAL DUMB...

RICHCOUPLE FELL ON HARD TIMES & NEEDED TO CUT COSTS
HE:"IF YOU COULD COOK, WE COULD FIRE THE COOK
SHE:"IF YOU COULD MAKE LOVE WE COULD FIRE THE CHAUFFER"

HEAR ABOUT THE MAN WITH FIVE PENISES?
HIS PANTS FIT LIKE A GLOVE

You think you got troubles? I got in bed with some broad last week.
She says "I didn't know you had such a tiny organ"
I told her "I didn't know I was gonna play in a cathedral."
Thankew and g'nite.

Adam just got finished screwin' Eve for the first time. God yells down
at him and says, "Hey, Adam...how was it?"
Adam says "Hey, God...I think this sex deal is great...it's gonna
really catch on. I had a blast."
God says "Glad you like it...by the way, where's Eve?"
Adam says "She's down at the river, douching."
God says "Oh, GREAT. Now how'm I gonna get that smell out of the fish?"
 
Thankyew. Thankyew. Yer a beautiful audience.
 
Three flies were sitting on a urinal, then one got pissed off and left.
 
How does a WASP man find his penis?
He cuts his pubic hairs until one bleeds.
 
SOME CURES FOR AIDS:
EXTRA-STRENGTH TYLENOL
JALISCO CHEESE
CALIFORNIA WATERMELON
A RIDE ON THE SPACE SHUTTLE


Msg #  493  Dated 01-28-86 22:47:20
 From: KARL PETER
   To: ALL
   Re: SHUTTLE CREW

EVERYONE...LIKE SYSOP SAYS--SHOW SOME CHARACTER
DON'T POST ANY JOKES ABOUT OUR LOST AMERICANS--PLEASE!
RESPECT THEM.  THANK YOU. KP,DVM>>

WHAT DO YOU CALL A MEXICAN WITH A VASECTOMY?
A DRY MARTINEZ.
.............................................
HOW DO YOU MAKE A BULL SWEAT?
GIVE HIM A TIGHT JERSEY.
.............................................
HOW DO LUNATICS WALK THRU THE FOREST?
ALONG THE PSYCHOPATH.
.............................................
SOME OF YOU MIGHT BE WONDERING ABOUT MY
RELIGIOUS AFFILIATION...
I'M A FRISBEETARIAN>> I BELIVE THAT WHEN YOU DIE, YOUR SOUL END UP ON
THE ROOF OF THE HOUSE.

When Quasimodo died, the priest posted notices all over town that he 
needed a new bell-ringer.  No one in town wanted the job, since the 
hours were terrible and the working conditions lousy, so the priest got
worried.  One day an out-of-towner applied for the job. Problem was he
had no arms, and the priest asked how he could ring the bells. "Just 
watch me!" he said, and they went up to the bell tower. Suddenly the man
ran full tilt into the bell and struck it with his head, letting forth
a majestic CLANGGG!! Well, the priest really needed a bell-ringer, and
if this guy was going to do the job, however strangely, fine. So he was
hired and dutifully rang the bells.
 
One morning he came to the tower with a nasty hangover, and he was so
out of it he couldn't see straight. So when he ran up to the bell to 
butt it with his head, he missed, went sailing out the window, and fell
250 feet to his death. The townspeople, not knowing who he was, got very
concerned and gathered around his corpse. Along came the priest. 
"Father, do you know this man?" they asked. "No I don't.  But, his face
rings a bell."

Well, the priest needed another bell-ringer, and, again, no one in town
wanted the job.  So when another armless out-of-towner applied, the 
priest hired him immediately.
 
Sure enough, the man comes to work a week later with a hangover, misses
the bell, and goes out the window and onto the cobblestones--SPLAT!! The
townspeople remembered the other sad incident, and when the priest came,
they asked if the mangled armless corpse was the same man as the last
one.  "No," replied the priest, "but he's a dead ringer!"

2 gays decide to have a baby. The one gets a sex change, becomes
pregnant and the baby is born. When they go to the hospital 
nursery, they notice that all of the babys are crying except 
one. They ask the nurse which is their baby: she says the quiet
one. One gay remarks 'Isn't it nice that our baby is so 
contented !'. The nurse says, "Oh yeah ? Wait 'till I take the
pacifier out of his ass!"