informis
/
textfiles
1
0
Fork 0
Code Issues Pull Requests Packages Projects Releases Wiki Activity
textfiles/humor/JOKES/usenet.hum

883 lines
36 KiB
Plaintext
Raw Permalink Blame History

This file contains invisible Unicode characters

This file contains invisible Unicode characters that are indistinguishable to humans but may be processed differently by a computer. If you think that this is intentional, you can safely ignore this warning. Use the Escape button to reveal them.

-------------------------------------
many, Many, MANY jokes from USENET...
-------------------------------------
How to buy a New STEREO.....
-1-
Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc.
Multiply by a factor of 100.
-2-
The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably
blinking and flashing in time with the music.
(NOTE: not the 60's psychedelic kind, but sleek arrays of LEDs)
-3-
The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look
very C00L.
-4-
The system should be broken up into as many components as possible.
(e.g. pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.)
-5-
The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should
look very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important.
(e.g. woofers, tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.)
-6-
The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft.
-7-
The system should have full remote control capability, including over the
mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get home.
-8-
Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the
house.
-9-
Components should have a cool names.
(like Nakamichi, Bang & Olufsen, Akai, etc. -- NOT Luxman, Soundesign
or Magnavox)
-10-
The complete set up should put a major recording studio (or large radio
station to shame).
-11-
Having state of the art equiptment is not enough. You should be a year or two
ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete and
should be disposed of promptly.
-12-
The most important factor....
Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better.
Canonical List of oxymorons
===========================
Advanced BASIC
Airline food
American culture
Athletic scholarship
Black Light
Brave politician
Business ethics
Central Intelligence (Agency)
Cheerful pessimist
Chili
Communist party (fun time!)
Corporate planning
Covert U.S. operations in Central America
Creationist Science
Definite maybe
Fallout Shelter
Good Television (Shows)
High School Education
Honest crook
Honest politician
House Ethics Committee
Innocent women
Jumbo shrimp
Justice Burger
Justice system
Libertarian Organization
Liberty Federation
Limited Nuclear War
Logical Thought
Long-Island Expressway
Management Science
Military intelligence
Moral Majority
Never generalize!!
New Democratic Party
Non-Alcoholic Beer
Plastic glasses?
Postal service
Practical logic
President Reagan
Progressive Conservative
Rapid transit
Resident Visitor (from consultant to a company who works on premises)
Same difference
Social Security
Student Athlete
Super Bowl (XX = Yawn)
Sweet sorrow
Terribly pleased
Union craftsman
United Nations
Wise fool
=============================================================================
Dear Mr. Jefferson:
We have read your 'Declaration of Independence' with great interest.
Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your
statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a
whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown,
so we must return the document to you for further refinement. The questions
which follow might assist you in your process of revision:
1. In your opening paragraph you use the phrase 'the Laws of Nature and
Nature's God.' What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria
on which you base your central arguments? Please document with
citations from the recent literature.
2. In the same paragraph you refer to the 'opinions of mankind.' Whose
polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to
us the 'opinions of mankind' are a matter of opinion.
3. You hold certain truths to be 'self-evident.' Could you please
elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be
difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
4. 'Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness' seem to be the goals of
your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that
'among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in
six of the 13 colonies of at last 55 years, and to enable newspapers
in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to
raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next
10 years,' these could be measureable goals. Please clarify.
5. You state that 'Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of
these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it,
and to institute a new Government....' Have you weighed this assertion
against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
6. Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a
long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not
follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
7. Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You
state that the colonies 'ought to be Free and Independent States,' and
that they are 'Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown.' Who
or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they
change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance?
How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these
areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are
your stategies?
8. Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing
your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research?
Who will constite the advisory committee? Please submit an organization
chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
9. You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this
since Queen Anne's War.
10. What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any
assesment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range
prospects of your undertaking.
11. Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and
manpower utilization matrix.
We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your 'Declaration of
Independence.' We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date
for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures
will be required.
Signed: Management Analyst to the British Crown
--
O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion
[Quoted without permission from Jun '80 Esquire]
I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made
aware of its situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland.
He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle
of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon
characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a
telephone pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward
motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the
speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of
reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-
perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater
than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the
ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful.
V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to
propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion
upward, usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or
the crewst of a flagpole. The feet of a character who is
running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch
the ground, especially when in flight.
VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in
which a character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the
cloud of altercation at several places simultaneously. This
effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning or
being throttled. A "wacky" character has the option of self-
replication only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off
walls to achieve the velocity required.
VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble
tunnel entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generation, but
at least it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a
wall's surface to trick an opponent will be unable to pursue
him into this theoretical space. The painter is flattened
against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting.
This is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional
nine lives might comfortably afford. They can be decimated,
spliced, splayed, accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled,
but they cannot be destroyed. After a few moments of blinking
self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also
applies to the physical world at large. For that reason,
we need the relief of watching it happen to a duck instead.
Q: What is the speed limit of sex?
A:68, because at 69 you eat it!!
(raucous laughter)
--
A certain English earl received word of a new Crusade, and decided to go
into the Holy Land to fight the heathen. So, he got his lands in order,
assigned lesser nobles to run his lands, and got his men all armed and ready
for battle.
Immediately before he left, he turned to his old, trusted steward.
"Phillip," he told him. "Of all my subjects, it is you that I trust the
most. I am leaving with you all my possesions, my gold, and my home; I know
that you will keep them well. I am also leaving you this."
He handed the steward a small key.
"This is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, God forbid, I am killed in
the Holy Land, and never return, I charge you to free my wife, that she
might marry again." And so the earl left.
As he and his troops were galloping of to meet the ship that would take them
to Palestine, the watchman at the end of the group cried: "Ho! A rider!"
The earl halted his troops, and they saw the rider, riding as though the
very devil was behind him. As he got nearer, he could see it was his
steward, shouting frantically at him. "Sire! Sire! Wrong key!"
*-----------------------------------------------------------------------------*
One day, the aged magician Merlin brought Arthur into his workshop to see
his latest invention.
"It is a chastity belt, your highness"
Arthur was not amused. "Are you mad, Merlin? That belt has a hole in it the
size of my arm!"
Merlin only smiled, and picked up a large carrot off the table. As he
started to insert it into the hole, a razor-sharp blade VSSHED out, slicing
off the it's top.
"Wonderful, Merlin! Now I can go to battle in complete security!" And so he
did.
After returning from battle, Arthur called together all of his knights for
an inspection, and told them all to drop their pants. As he walked up and
down the line, he saw that all of them had seriously slashed and bloodied
penis caps--all except Launcelot.
Impressed, Arthur brought Launcelot to the front of the room, and spoke to
his knights. "Of you all," he told them. "Only Launcelot was able to resist
temptation. Launcelot! Tell us how you resisted!"
Launcelot stood before the crowd. "Thh mnd thve blhnn!"
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Tonto not knowing Lone Ranger disguised as
pool table, grabs stick and racks balls!
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
With her force-field around her
The spider, the bounder,
Is not in the picture today.
-The Space Child's Mother Goose
there was a young monk from dundee
who hung a nun's c__t on a tree
he grabbed her fair a__
and performed a high mass
that even the pope came to see.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
while out on a picnic,Mcfee
was stung on the b__ls by a bee
he made oodles of money
by oozing pure honey
every time ha attempted to pee.
there was a young bartender named link
who possessed a very tart dink.
to sweeten it some
he steeped it in rum,
and he's driven the ladies to drink.
Little Miss Muffit,
Sat on her tuffit,
While Jack ate her curds and whey,
When along came a spider,
And sat down beside her,
And the three of them rolled in the hay!
--
"I am writing in response to your reqest for additional information in
block number three of the accident-reporting form. I put "poor
planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I
should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will
be sufficient. I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the
accident I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower,
when I completed my work, I discovered that I had, over the course of
several trips up the tower, brought up about 300 lbs of tools and
spare hardware. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material
down by hand, I decided to lower the items down in a small barrel by
using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the
top of the tower."
"Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and
loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I wentback to the
ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent
of the 300 lbs of tools. You will note in block #11 of the accident-
reporting form that I weigh only 155 lbs."
"Due to my suprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say,
I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.
In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down.
This explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only
slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers
of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley."
"Fortunately, by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and
was able to hold on to the rope in spite of my pain. At approximat-
ely the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and
the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the tools,
the barrel now weighed approximately 20 lbs. I refer you again to my
weight in block #11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent
down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I
met the barrel coming up, this accounts for the two fractured ankles
and the lacerations of my legs and lower body."
"The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell onto the pole of tools and fortunately, only three
vertabrae were cracked. I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay
there on the tools in pain, unable to stand and watching the empty
barrel 80 feet above me...I again lost my presence of mind...I let
go of the rope."
--
A small band of Trids lived on a peninsula connected to the mainland only by
a narrow strip of land. Each day the Trids would walk across the strip and
get their food and other stuff.
One day, a fearsome Gloglum monster sat right down on that narrow strip
of land. Whenever a Trid tries to get past, the Gloglum monster would boot
him straight back to the Peninsula. Soon, the Trids were on the brink of
starvation.
A rabbi in town heard of their troubles, and decided to bring food to the
Trids. Each day he'd cross the narrow strip of land with provisions and
return, and the Gloglum monster paid him no mind.
Finally, the rabbi asked why he could go back and forth, but the Trids
couldn't. The Gloglum monster laughed, and said, "Silly rabbi! Kicks are for
Trids!"
** The rest of this is continued in Part II... I hope...
(>View: UA SENET JOKES P FILE P.2
-----------------------------
the USENET jokes file part II
-----------------------------
"Hispanic oriented ads lose in the translation"
San Antonio (AP) -- More companies are trying to reach the Hispanic market
through advertising and some of their efforts have resulted in emabarrassing
errors, a marketing expert says.
Marketers have only a limited understanding of Hispanic culture and language,
according to Humberto Valencia, assistant professor of marketing at
Texas Tech University in Lubbock.
For example, a beer company translated its "turn it loose" slogan into
Spanish learned to late that the message to Spanish-speaking consumers
had become "Our beer causes diarrhea."
A pet-food manufacturer tried the humorous approach, but once again the
message was lost in translation, he said. The situation depicted a certain
feline as having died eight times and, if he did not eat this particular
cat food, he was going to die for the ninth and final time. The language
used was correct, but the agency failed to realize one major difference:
in Latin folk culture, cats have only seven lives. The commercial bombed.
A telephone company ran a campaign depicting a woman telling her husband
to "run downstairs and phone Maria to tell her we'll be a little late."
Again, culture was not taken into account. In the Hispanic home, Valencia
said, seldome does a woman give her husband orders. And rarely will a
family call to say they will be late. It is customary to arrive late, he
said.
A chicken company had one of its slogans translated too literally. The
ad in English said, "It takes a tough man to make a chicken tender."
The slogan was understood in Spanish as, "It makes a sexually excited
man to make a chick sensual."
A beer company used the wrong gender in one of its campaigns. Beer, cerveza,
is a feminine noun in Spanish and should have been labeled the "queen"
rather than the "king" of beers.
A cigarette advertisement claimed that it had "less asphalt" rather than
less tar, he said, and a beer company found out that its ad was being
sung incorrectly in the Spanish media. The company's "less filling,
delicious" claim came across as "filling, less delicious."
Some brand names attract the wrong kind of attention, the Chevrolet Nova
story being perhaps the best known example. What Spanish speaker would want
a car that means "no go?"
Some ads contain subtle, non-verbal details that can disturb a particular
subgroup.
A commercial for a beer company, which used San Antonio's River Walk as a
backdrop, was well-received among West Coast Hispanics who enjoyed the
Spanish flavor, Valencia said.
Ironically, San Antonio's own Hispanics did not relate well, he said,
because they felt the "Paseo del Rio" was more for Anlgo tourists than for
Hispanic residents.
NEWS FLASH: 2,543,788 Virgin Females (18-32) in L.A. County
Now, if the length of the average vagina is 8.3 inches, that
means that in L.A. County, there are over 333.23 miles (yup,
MILES) of unused pussy in L.A!!!! (and I've got 245 to go!)
IMB (Nukesbury) Product Announcement
"Amuses Industry, Analysts"
IMB announced its long-awaited Tolkien Ring Network today.
In an informal and unauthorized interview with the product
manager, G. Gray, we extracted the following information.
(Sodium Pentathol -- the "standard" of the electronics
industry's journalists, has proved to be less effective than
simple, old-fashioned methods, the more old-fashioned the
better. We only wish that Mr. Gray's heart condition had
been noted on his dossier).
Q. Why did IMB pick Tolkien ring over one of the more
proven technologies like eth*rnet?
A. It seemed like a good idea at the time. We didn't
like any of the standards out there, so we said,
"What the hell, let's make our own", and we did.
Q. How do you prevent duplicate tokens?
A. We don't really care.
Q. How do you pick host IDs?
A. Each host is assigned a 256-bit random number. The
likelyhood of a duplication is astronomically small,
on the order of your mother-in-law leaving without
having been asked to.
Q. What would a typical tolkien ring installation con-
sist of?
A. Three Rings for the elven kings under the sky,
Seven for the Dwarf lords in their halls of stone,
Nine for Mortal men doomed to die,
One for the Dark lord on his dark throne
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them,
One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness
bind them
In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie.
Q. Do you expect any opposition to the tolkien ring es-
tablishment?
A. Our experience has been that potential users can be
dealt with quite easily if you use a little imagina-
tion. Hot wax works well. So does COBOL. Manage-
ment should pick out the troublemakers early on and
kill them as soon as possible.
Q. Has your mother-in-law left yet?
A. No. Most users report that it will be a cold day in
hell before that token comes around the ring again.
Usually they have to find it with a flashlight, or
flush it out of the basement with smoke. Tokens are
heavy, and they tend to get stuck where the cables
dip or rise suddenly.
Q. What about network security?
A. We surgically alter users and take their families
hostage. This is a major breakthrough in security
technology, and we are considering using it on other
fronts, such as in our lobbying techniques.
Q. What enhancements to the Tolkien ring network do you
expect to make in the near future?
A. Our Miami research center is reportedly working on
something they call a `Drug' ring, but what that
really is is anyone's guess. The Colorado people
are experimenting with anti-tokens, more commonly
called "hot potatoes", which cause system crashes if
they are held too long -- great incentive to make
the network work as fast as possible. And we can't
understand what the California people are working
on, since too many of them took est.
Q. What other exciting, new technologies will IMB re-
veal in the next year?
A. Look for us to be very aggressive in microprocessor
and memory devices. I shouldn't tell you this, but
next month we will be announcing a RISC with a 1 GIP
instruction-fetch rate, a 16 or 17 megabit dynamic
RAM for twelve cents, an artificial intelligence
that will run for president, and a revolutionary
sexual position that actually cures herpes.
Q. Thank you Mr. Gray.
(Muffled thud and scream just before the tape runs
out...).
Here are more books for those interested:
"Making Crime Pay", Robin Steal
"Descriptions of Heaven", Pearly Gates
"Virgin Marriage", Chastity Belt
"Powerful Drinks", Micky Finn
"Taking a Long Vacation", Helen Back
"Why there are no jokes on net.jokes", I. M. Just & Jo King
"Civil War Firearms", Captain Ball
"Carpooling", Sharif d'Ride
"Military Life", Private Parts, Corporal Punishment,
Sargent Atarms, Major Problem, Coronel O'Corn, and General
Condition.
"Drummed to Death", Tom Tomb
"Crossing Rivers", Bridget Fast
"The Escape of Bonnie Prince Charlie", Scot Free
"Jogging", Ron Around
"The American Legal System", Sue Someone
"The Christmas Spirit", Joy X. Noel
/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/-\/-\-/
1. What do you call a boomerang which doesn't come back? A stick.
%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%$%&%
2. "I was in [fill in lesser-developed country of choice] the
other week, and I had to get to the airport in a hurry,
so I hailed a taxi. Well, I must say, the driver was insane!
Not three minutes after I hailed him, he ran a red light.
I yelled out, 'Hey, you just ran a red light!' (My tendency
to bespeak the obvious undoubtedly was quite poignantly received.)
He simply replied, 'Yes, I know, but don't worry -- my brother
taught me to drive, so everything is okay.'
"Then, not two blocks later, he stopped at the intersection -- and
the light was green! So I said, 'Why have you stopped? The
light is green!' And he said, 'I know, I'm just checking to see
if my brother's coming.'"
~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|~|
And, in the real life humour (sic) section, I offer the following
TRUE story -- this happened to a speech coach at the High School
I went to:
3. For some reason, Trans-World Airlines [whatever] was selling T-shirts
to celebrate their n-millionth crossing of the Atlantic or the
Pacific or the dead sea or whatever they were crossing. Anyway, the
T-shirt they were selling was only $3.00 and the speech coach
in question hadn't taken enough luggage along, so, she purchased one of
these T-shirts.
It was green, and written across the entire surface of the shirt was
the acronym for Trans-World.
You tell me what you see in it:
TWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWA
TWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWA
TWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWA
TWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWA
TWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWATWA
Bestseller #1: Chinese Population By: We Fukemyoung
Bestseller #2: Hawaiian Population By: Komon Iwannalaya
Bestseller #3: Russian Castration By: I. Bitchyakokoff
Didja hear 'bout the merger between McDonalds and Kentucky
Fried Chicken?
They have a new product: Crispy McAuliffe
^^
How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
What is a nickel primarily composed of?
Where was the Battle of Bunker Hill fought?
Please don't consider the obvious.
Scott Kajihara
Mommy, mommy, can I lick the bowl?
Too late, kid, I already flushed it.
Mommy, mommy, I hate daddy's guts.
Shut up, kid, and eat what's on your plate.
Mommy, mommy, I don't like tomato soup.
Shut up, kid, and eat it before it clots.
Mommy, mommy, where's Ethiopia?
Shut up, kid, and get inside the care package.
Mommy, mommy, these potato chips are stale.
Have some respect, kid. It took me a long time to peel those scabs
off.
Mommy, mommy, why is daddy running?
Shut up, kid, and hand me another box of shotgun shells.
Mommy, mommy, Billy threw up!
So what?
Jimmy's getting all the big pieces!
Mommy, mommy, where's England?
Shut up and start rowing!
Mommy, mommy, can I go out and play?
Shut up, drink your beer, and deal!
Mommy, mommy, how far is it to Edgartown?
Shut up, Teddy, and keep swimming!
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't WANT to visit grandpa!"
SHUTUP AND KEEP DIGGING!
"Mommy, Mommy! Why is Daddy running around out in that field?"
SHUTUP AND RELOAD!
"Mommy, Mommy! I don't like walking around in circles!"
SHUTUP OR I'LL NAIL YOUR OTHER FOOT TO THE FLOOR!
"Mommy, Mommy! I HATE spaghetti!"
SHUTUP OR I'LL TEAR THE VEINS OUT OF YOUR OTHER ARM!
Q: How many shuttle crew members can fit in a VW?
A: Eleven. Two in the rear, two in the front, and seven in the ashtray.
What does N.A.S.A. stand for?
Need Another Seven Astronauts.
*
Hear the weather in Florida?
Cloudy, with widely scattered shuttles.
*
How is a Walrus like NASA?
They're both looking for a tight seal.
*
Did you hear where Christa intended to go on her honeymoon?
All over Florida.
*
What do you call the first teacher in space?
History.
*
Did you hear that Christa was to do a spot for the U.S Forestry Service?
"Learn not to burn"
*
What color were Dick's eyes?
Blew.
*
There's another Shuttle going up...
But this time they'll be a substitute teacher.
*
Christa's son was really upset during the liftoff
But it was his mom that went to pieces.
*
What was the last thing to go through Christa's mind?
A heat tile.
*
What were her last words?
"hey, what's this button for?"
-or-
"NO! a BUD light!"
*
Christa was a very level-headed teacher...
This was the first time she ever blew up in front of her class.
IMPURE MATHEMATICS
Wherein it is related how that polygon of womanly virtue
young ** Polly Nomial ** (our heroine) is accosted by that
notorious villain %% Curly Pi %%, and factored (Oh Horror!).
Once upon a time (1/t) pretty Polly Nomial was strolling
across a field of vectors when she came across to the
boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was
convergent and her mother had it made it an absolute
condition that she never enter such an array without her
brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables
that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved,
ignored this condition on the basis that it was
insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents
approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite
suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a
single point. She oscillated violently, lost sense of
directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a
turning point, she tripped over a square root that was
protruding from a erf and plunged headlong down a steep
gradient. When she rounded off once more, and found herself
inverted, apparently alone, in a non-euclidean space.
She was watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi,
was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her
curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his
face. He wondered, was she still convergent ? He decided to
integrate improperly at once. Hearing a common fraction
behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with
his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his
degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on
no good.
"Arcsinh !" she gasped.
"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote
you have. I can see you angles have a lot of secs."
"Oh sir, " she protested, "Keep away from me, I
haven't got my brackets on."
"Calm yourself, my dear," said our suave operator,
"Your fears are purely imaginary."
"I, i, " She thought, "perhaps he's not normal but
homologous."
"What order are you ? " the brute demanded.
"Seventeen," replied Polly. Curly leered. " I
suppose you've never been operated on."
"Of course not, " Polly replied quite properly, " I'm
absolutely convergent."
"Come, come," said Curly Pi. " Let's off to a decimal
place I know and I'll take you to the limit."
" Never!" gasped Polly.
" Abscissa! " he swore, using the vilest oath he
knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the
coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly
removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant
places, and begin smoothing out her points of inflection.
Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was her only hope. She
felt his his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her
convergence would soon be gone forever.
There was no mercy, for Curly was a heaviside operator.
Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He
integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions.
After he cofactored, he performed Runge-Kutta on her. The
complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour
integration. Curly went on operating until he satisfied her
hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely
orthogonal.
When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that
she no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated
in several places. But it was too late to differentiate now.
As months went by, Polly's denominator increased
monotonically. Finally she went to L' Hospital and generated
a small but pathological function which left surds all over
the place and drove Polly to deviation.
The moral of our sad story is this:
If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never
allow them a single degree of freedom.....
"Finally stopped Grandma from sliding down the bannister."
"How'd you do that?"
"Wrapped barbed wire around it."
"Guess that stopped her, huh?"
"Not yet, but it sure slows her down."
"Fences" by Barb Dwyer or
"Pasta" by Liz Onya or
"Running" by Jim Shorts or
"Male Anatomy" by Hugh G. Rection or
"Hair Styles" by Bobby Pin
"V.D." by Dick Hertz
"More Stupid Jokes" by Hugh E. Diots,
"The Ultimate in Hypocrisy" by Im Won Too :-).
XI. The Jetstream Hypothesis -
Anything going from a standstill to a great enough speed
will leave a visible trail.
End of silly file. Seriously.
-----------------------------
(>
Reference in New Issue View Git Blame Copy Permalink