135 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
135 lines
6.7 KiB
Plaintext
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WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN
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1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
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2. Beer stains wash out.
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3. You don't have to wine and dine a beer.
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4. Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car.
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5. When beer goes flat you toss it out.
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6. Beer is never late.
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7. HANGOVERS go away.
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8. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
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9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
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10. When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer.
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11. Beer never has a headache.
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12. After you have a beer, the bottle is still worth a dime.
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13. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
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14. If you pour a beer right, you will always get good head.
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15. You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty.
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16. A beer ALWAYS goes down easy.
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17. You can share a beer with your friends.
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18. You always know that you are the first one to pop a beer.
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19. A beer is always wet.
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20. Beer doesn't demand equality.
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21. A beer doesn't care when you come.
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22. You can have a beer in public.
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23. A frigid beer is a good beer.
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24. You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
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25. Beer always comes in multiples of six.
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26. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
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27. You can't catch anything but a "buzz" from a beer.
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28. After you have a beer, you're committed to nothing other than
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dumping the empty bottle.
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29. A beer never costs you more than five dollars and never leaves you
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thirsty.
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30. When your beer is gone, you just pop another.
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31. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
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32. Beer looks the same in the morning.
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33. Beer doesn't look you up in a month.
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34. Beer doesn't worry about someone walking in.
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35. Beer doesn't worry about waking the kids.
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36. Beer doesn't get cramps.
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37. Beer doesn't have a mother.
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38. Beer doesn't have morals.
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39. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
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40. Beer always listens and never argues.
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41. Beer labels don't go out of style every year.
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42. Beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.
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43. Beer doesn't have cold hands/feet.
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44. Beer doesn't demand legality.
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45. Beer is never overweight.
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46. If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony.
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47. Beer won't run off with your credit cards.
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48. Beer doesn't have a lawyer.
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49. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
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50. Beer can't give your herpes or other nasty things.
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51. Beer doesn't complain about the way you drive.
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52. Beer doesn't mind if you fart or belch.
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53. Beer never changes its mind.
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54. Beer doesn't tease you or play hard to get.
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55. Beer never asks you to change the station.
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56. Beer doesn't make you go shopping.
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57. Beer doesn't tell you to mow the grass.
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58. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
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59. Beer is always easy to pick up.
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60. Big, fat beers are nice to have.
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61. Beer doesn't pout or play games.
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62. Beer NEVER says no.
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63. Beer is easy to get into.
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64. Beer never complains when you take it somewhere.
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65. Beer doesn't need to go to the 'powder room' with other beers.
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66. Beer doesn't wear a bra.
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67. Beer doesn't mind getting dirty.
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68. Beer doesn't complain about insensitivity.
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69. Beer doesn't use up your toilet paper.
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70. Beer doesn't live with its mother.
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71. Beer doesn't blow you off.
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72. Beer doesn't care if you have no culture or manners.
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73. Beer doesn't bitch, yell, or cry.
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74. Beer doesn't mind football season.
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75. A beer won't make you go to church.
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76. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman.
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77. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit.
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78. A beer doesn't think DOS is pronounced "dose".
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79. A beer doesn't give a fuck if you keep a bunch of other beers around.
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80. A beer will not insist that those odious Michelin commercials with the
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babies are "cute".
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81. If a beer leaks all over the room, it smells kinda good for a while.
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82. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman" instead of
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"doberperson".
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83. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian
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folk music on your favorite radio station.
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84. A beer won't claim that the Three Stooges are shitheads.
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85. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
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toilet seat up.
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86. If you mention a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" around a beer,
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it won't think you're talking about an enormous can of vegetable juice.
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87. A beer won't whine that seatbelts hurt.
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88. A beer won't smoke in your car.
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89. A beer won't argue that there's no difference between shooting down
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an unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner
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out of the sky.
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90. A beer will never buy a car with automatic transmission.
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91. A beer will actually *support* belching and farting and share your
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enthusiasm for getting them included as demonstration sports in the
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1992 Olympic Games in Barcelona.
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92. A beer is always ready to leave on time.
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93. A beer never fishes for compliments.
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94. Some beers (e.g. St. Pauli Girl) have fabulous tits.
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95. Beer tastes *good*.
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96. If you take a beer outta the fridge just to look at it but then
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decide to drink it, the beer won't accuse you of "date rape".
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97. A beer won't raise any objections to an evening of watching
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"John Holmes' Greatest Hits" on your VCR.
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98. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
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99. A beer won't make you pick up some tampons when you go to the
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grocery store.
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100. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Penthouse
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"just for the articles". (You *are* lying, but the beer won't
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accuse you of it.
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101. A beer won't worry that you'll go to jail if you videotape a Giants
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game without the expressed, written consent of the National Football
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League.
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102. A beer won't fill up your car with cheesy 85-octane gas with the
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excuse: "But I saved a quarter!"
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103. A beer will *never* make you go to a Swedish movie.
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104. A beer will *never* make you turn off "Fists of Fury Theater" on
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channel 5 on Saturday afternoons.
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105. A beer won't accuse you of being a sexist pig if you say "Gene Hackman"
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instead of "Gene Hackperson".
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106. A beer won't make you eat some experimental vegetarian meal that tastes
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like STP Oil Treatment.
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107. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
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make you ill.
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