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From kra@hpcndaw.cnd.hp.com Thu Aug 3 23:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: kra@hpcndaw.cnd.hp.com
Subject: On "reserve" with an airline
Keywords: true, chuckle, mildly sexual
Date: 3 Aug 89 23:30:03 GMT
Reported as a true story:
When you're on "reserve" with an airline, you fly when they tell you
to fly. Being unable to be contacted is a lesser offense than refusing
or missing an assigned trip.
This captain gets an "A" for his creativity in avoiding an assignment.
When crew scheduling woke him up at 3 A.M. to assign him to a 5 A.M.
departure, he passed the phone to his wife and said in a voice loud
enough for them to hear on the other end, "Here, darling, I think it's
someone calling for your husband."
Crew scheduling omitted the usual question and answer period.
--
>From the book "Cabin Pressure" by Liz Harwell and Corylee Spiro
Copyright 1989 St. Martins Press Reproduced with permission of the authors.
All typos and any inaccuracies are the fault of the submitter,
not Harwell and Spiro.
Katherine Albitz
k_albitz%hpcnd@hplabs.hp.com
From gal@atux01.UUCP Wed Aug 9 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: gal@atux01.UUCP
Subject: All about Baseball
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 9 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
BASEBALL
(as explained to a foreign visitor)
You have two sides one out in the field and one in.
Each man that's not on the side that's in goes out and when he's out he
comes in and the next man goes in until he's out.
When three men are out the side that's out comes in and the side
that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When both sides have been in and out nine times including the not outs
That's the end of the game!
--
gary levine
--
From mph@praxis.UUCP Wed Aug 9 18:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mph@praxis.UUCP (Martin Hanley)
Subject: There were these two dogs...
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 9 Aug 89 23:30:05 GMT
There were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing the
other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore
it, but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand off."
"I don't blame you. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm... well... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going to
be... you know... I'm going to have the *operation*..."
"Oh dear. I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, tell me. Please..."
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so I
was feeling... you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the
kitchen wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I
just couldn't resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh, so you're here for the operation too, then."
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
--
Martin Hanley (mph@praxis.co.uk)
Administrative note:
"All about Baseball" is reportedly just a slightly modified version
of an original piece about Cricket, from the Marybourne Cricket Club
From wang@brauer.harvard.edu Sun Aug 13 02:20:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: wang@brauer.harvard.edu (Yang Wang)
Subject: Poor old Dan Again
Keywords: topical, smirk
Date: 13 Aug 89 07:20:04 GMT
The White House is allegedly sending Dan Quayle to People's Republic
of China to find out who is really in charge. Asked whether in the
current reign of terror it might be unsafe for our beloved VP to go,
John Sununu, the White House Chief of Staff, answered : 'Oh no no,
in China they only persecute intellectuals'.
From stuart@rassilon.UUCP Sun Aug 13 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: stuart@rassilon.UUCP (Stuart Freedman {x3262})
Subject: fishing again...
Keywords: swearing, chuckle
Date: 13 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
From: Ken Ericson
Here's an old one but it compliments the religious one you forward.
God Damn Fish
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.
A man was walking by and said: "Wow, what a god damn fish"!
The Sister said: "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that. I'm a nun."
And the man said: "But that's the name of it, a god damn fish."
So the Sister took the fish back to the rectory, and said:
"Mother Superior, look at the god damn fish I caught."
The Mother Superior said: "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that,"
..and the Sister said: "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it,
a god damn fish."
So the Mother Superior said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and
I'll clean it".
While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said:
"Monsignor, look at the god damn fish that the sister caught".
The Monsignor said: "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that",
and the Mother Superior said: "but that's the name of it, a god damn fish".
So the Monsignor said: "Well, give me the god damn fish and I'll cook it".
That evening, at supper, there was a new priest at the table,
and he said: "Wow, what a nice fish,"
...and the Sister said "I caught the god damn fish,"
...and Mother Superior said "I cleaned the god damn fish,"
...and the Monsignor said, "I cooked the god damn fish."
And the new priest said "I like this fucking place already"!
From rubik%bucsb.BU.EDU@bu-it.bu.edu Sun Aug 13 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: rubik%bucsb.BU.EDU@bu-it.bu.edu (vadim maystrovsky)
Subject: Boomerang's tough luck
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 13 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
An Australian farmer is sitting on a stone near his farm, all in blood
and crying. His neighbor is passing by.
"What's wrong?" the neighbor asks.
"I bought a new boomerang," the crying guy answered.
"So, why are you crying?" the neighbor asks again.
"I cannot throw away the old one..."
From swfc@read.cs.columbia.edu Mon Aug 14 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: swfc@read.cs.columbia.edu (Shu-Wie F Chen)
Subject: The Flag Takes A Licking
Keywords: topical, chuckle
Date: 14 Aug 89 07:20:05 GMT
New York Times, August 8, 1989, Letter to the Editor, by Ruth L. Kaplan:
The other day I bought a roll of 25 cent postage stamps. I have not
had a moment's peace since. For, upon unfurling this roll, I
discovered that every one of the 100 stamps bears the unmistakable
likeness of the American flag.
To appreciate my consternation, consider what is in store for these
stamps. First, I must lick the flag-- er, stamp. Then I will drop it
into a dark box, where it may well be bruised, possibly even torn.
Next, the stamp/flag will go to the Post Office, where an inexorable
machine will stomp on it, defiling it with ugly lines in order to
"cancel" it.
"Cancel" our inviolable flag?
But wait. The horrors mount. In time, the stamp will reach the
addressee, who may rip it, eagerly opening the envelope.
Ultimately, the flag stamp-- licked, cancelled, defaced, ripped-- will
be consigned to the trash, doomed to decompose in a dump, linger in a
landfill or-- shudder!-- be converted to charcoal and burned under a
steak.
What's a patriot to do?
I wonder if the Post Office will allow me to return a rerolled roll of
stamps. But even it it does, it'll just resell it, perhaps to some
insensitive stamper who will lick, deface, cancel and rip those flags
without a twinge of conscience.
I pray (but not in school) for some official, even Presidential, guidance.
Ruth L. Kaplan is a retired Federal (but not postal) employee.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Mon Aug 14 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: Plastics....
Keywords: heard it, chuckle, sexual
Date: 14 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
From norm@hpfcnorm.hp.com Mon Aug 14 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: norm@hpfcnorm.hp.com
Subject: Speeding Tickets
Keywords: true, smirk, sexual
Date: 14 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
A friend of mine worked as a State Highway patrolman in Wyoming for several
years. Whenever he pulled someone over for speeding, he would always ask
them why they were exceeding the speed limit. If the excuse was original,
he would usually let them off with a warning. He said the best excuse he
ever got was the following:
Him: "So, why is it that you were doing 70 mph in a 55 zone?"
Driver: "Well, officer, my wife is going to get pregnant in 30 minutes
and I want to be there when it happens."
Norm Gee
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From nair@quintus.UUCP Tue Aug 15 18:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
Path: utastro!cs.utexas.edu!uunet!wuarchive!texbell!ssbn!looking!funny-request
From: nair@quintus.UUCP (Anil Nair)
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
Subject: Cricket match which is funnier than baseball
Keywords: chuckle
Message-ID: <4012@looking.on.ca>
Date: 15 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
Lines: 27
Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
Reply-Path: Sun.COM!quintus!nair
The Baseball description reminds me of how this
native went to his first cricket match and described it
to his witchdoctor after he got back. I heard it when
I was in college and have no idea where it originated.
He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big
crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field
with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle.
There were three sticks at either end of the strip.
A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters
and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out
came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded
and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs
and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at
either end of the strip and one of the other men came running
towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding
the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.
White man sure knows how to make rain"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From msw%chem@ucsd.edu Wed Aug 16 02:20:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: msw%chem@ucsd.edu (Mark S. Warren)
Subject: "I'm sorry Mr. Lowe, but your insurance won't cover THAT"
Keywords: topical, smirk, sexual
Date: 16 Aug 89 07:20:05 GMT
A true and sort of bizzare story....
Source: San Diego Union newspaper, Aug. 3, page F-2....
Actor Rob Lowe wants his insurance company to pay his legal fees or
any damages awarded to a Georgia woman suing him over her teen-age
daughter's appearance in a homemade pornographic videotape.
But the Chubb Custom Insurance Company of New Jersey said Lowe's
insurance policy does not cover "intentional actions" such as
using "celebrity status as an inducement to females to engage in
sexual intercourse, sodomy, and multiple-party sexual activity for
his immediate sexual gratification and for the purpose of making
pornographic films."
The Chubb folks have asked a federal judge in Atlanta to rule that
damages arising from making sex tapes in a hotel room are not a covered
item under a homeowner's policy.
(But exactly what DOES that policy cover anyway???)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Wed Aug 16 05:30:03 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: Next time he'll knock....
Keywords: smirk, sexual
Date: 16 Aug 89 10:30:03 GMT
Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work,
work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day
at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at
3:15. Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there
on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and
digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says,
"Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15.....
I almost got caught!!!!"
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.
From Chris@AUSTIN.LOCKHEED.COM Wed Aug 16 18:30:08 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: Chris@AUSTIN.LOCKHEED.COM (Chris Wood)
Subject: Frustration -- Party Joke
Keywords: heard it, chuckle
Date: 16 Aug 89 23:30:08 GMT
(Kinda long, but it makes a good party joke:)
A small balding <ethnic> storms into a local bar and demands "Gimme a double of
the strongest whiskey you got! I'm so pissed I can't even see straight!"
The bartender, noticing that the little man is a bit the worse for wear,
pours him a double of Southern Comfort.
The <ethnic> swills down the drink and says "Gimme another one!".
The bartender pours the drink, but says "Now, before I give you this, why don't
you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset?"
So the <ethnic> begins his tale:
"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door when this gorgeous blonde slinks in,
and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought WOW, this has never happened
before. You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of
minutes later I feel this hand moving around in my lap and the blonde leans
over, licks my ear, and asks if I'm interested? I couldn't believe this was
happening! I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand, and starts
walking out of the bar. So of course I went with her. This was just too good
to be true!"
"She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. As soon
as she shut the door she slips out of her dress. That was all she was wearing!
I tell you it didn't take me much longer to get out of my clothes! But as soon
as I jumped into the bed, I hear some keys jingling, and someone
starts fumbling with the door."
The blonde says "Ohmygod, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling
match tonight, he's gonna be real mad! Quick, HIDE!"
"So, I opened at the closet, but I figured that was probably he first place he
would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I
figured he's bound to look there, too. By now I could here the key in the lock.
I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my
fingers praying that the guy wouldn't see me."
The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this
point."
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out 'Who
you been sleeping with now, bitch?' The girl says 'Nobody, honey, now come to
bed and calm down'. Well the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear
the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking 'Boy, I'm
glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it
across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either."
"Then I here him say 'What's that over there by the window?' I think 'Oh Shit,
I'm dead meat now'. But the blond by now is trying real hard to distract him
and convince him to stop looking."
"Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom, and I hear water running for a long
time, and I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a
sudden the asshole pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right
on top of my head! I mean look at this, I got second degree burns all over my
scalp and shoulders!"
The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have pissed me off for sure."
"No, that didn't really bother me. Next the guy starts slamming the window shut
over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess,
I can hardly hold onto this glass."
The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says "Yeah, buddy, I can understand
why you are so upset."
"No, that wasn't what really pissed me off."
The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what DID finally piss you
off?"
"Well I was hanging there, and I turned around and looked down, and I was only
about 6 inches off the ground!"
Chris Wood
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
I reply to all submissions, but about 20% of the replies bounce.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Thu Aug 17 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: that's it. no kids...
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 17 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days,
or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there
nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland
problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are
trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that
perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new
diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor,
otherwise you might have to see him afterward.
FIRST DAY:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons
(any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only,
then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips
of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
SECOND DAY:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of
Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube
if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an
uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea
over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
THIRD DAY:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers
in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your
best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish
of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
LAST DAY:
Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive,
pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor
and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday.
One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti
and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
(Weght_Loss VaxNotes - BP)
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 18 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: Take a letter, Maria...
Keywords: heard it, funny
Date: 18 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
MEMORANDUM
From: Headquarters - New York
To: General Managers
Next Thursday at 10:30 Halley's Comet will appear over this area. This is
an event which occurs only once every 75 years. Notify all directors and
have them arrange for all employees to assemble on the Company lawn and
inform them of the occurrence of this phenomenon. If it rains, cancel the
day's observation and assemble in the auditorium to see a film about the
comet.
MEMORANDUM
From: General Manager
To: Managers
By order of the Executive Vice President, next Thursday at 10:30, Halley's
Comet will appear over the Company lawn. If it rains, cancel the day's
work and report to the auditorium with all employees where we will show
films: a phenomenal event which occurs every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Manager
To: All Department Chiefs
By order of the phenomenal Vice President, at 10:30 next Thursday, Halley's
Comet will appear in the auditorium. In case of rain over the Company lawn,
the Executive Vice President will give another order, something which occurs
only every 75 years.
MEMORANDUM
From: Department Chief
To: Section Chiefs
Next Thursday at 10:30 the Executive Vice President will appear in the
auditorium with Halley's Comet, something which occurs every 75 years. If
it rains, the Executive Vice President will cancel the comet and order us
all out to our phenomenal Company lawn.
MEMORANDUM
From: Section Chief
To: All EA's
When it rains next Thursday at 10:30 over the Company lawn, the phenomenal
75 year old Executive Vice President will cancel all work and appear before
all employees in the auditorium accompanied by Bill Halley and his Comets.
{ed There are many variants of this.}
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From mjm@ndcheg.cheg.nd.edu Sun Aug 20 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mjm@ndcheg.cheg.nd.edu (Mark McCready)
Subject: Bryant and the experts
Keywords: chuckle, true
Date: 20 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
Heard on the Today Show 8/2/89
Bryant Gumbal interviewing a middle east expert
Bryant: Sir, What is that the Soviets did, that was so
effective at getting their kidnapped diplomats back
that we could not or were not willing to do ??
Expert: Well, they called in the KGB who promptly kidnapped
some relatives of the people who were presumed responsible,
castrated them and sent them back with the message that this
would happen to the the kidnapers themselves if the hostages
were not released. You can imagine what NBC would have said
if the US had done this.
Bryant: Yes and we would not have had film at 11 !!
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
From mbr@larch.LCS.MIT.EDU Mon Aug 21 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: mbr@larch.LCS.MIT.EDU (Mark Reinhold)
Subject: Concurrency in the real world
Keywords: computer, funny
Date: 21 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science
New York Times, 25 April 1989, in an article on new operating systems for the
IBM PC:
Real concurrency---in which one program actually continues to function
while you call up and use another---is more amazing but of small use to the
average person. How many programs do you have that take more than a few
seconds to perform any task?
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com Mon Aug 21 18:30:07 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: blackje@sungod.crd.ge.com (ody)
Subject: Maladies of age...
Keywords: smirk
Date: 21 Aug 89 23:30:07 GMT
For many years, I've battled with the infamous "Dunlop's Disease" ...
a condition caused by age and lake of proper maintenance in which
your "stomach `done lopped' over your belt."
I had noticed that most women do not suffer from this condition,
many of them accumulating any excess weight on the hips and thighs,
and/or under the belt.
I've recently discovered, however, that some women also suffer from a
malady similar to Dunlop's disease in that it is also caused by age
and lack of maintenance called "Bureau Breakdown" ...
in which your chest falls into your drawers.
--Emmett
--
J.E.Black; GE Research/K1-3C26; Schenectady, NY 12345
blackje@crd.ge.com
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.
From gc1a+@andrew.cmu.edu Tue Aug 22 05:30:04 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: gc1a+@andrew.cmu.edu (Glenn Cassidy)
Subject: Endorsed by the Almighty
Keywords: chuckle
Date: 22 Aug 89 10:30:04 GMT
The following is a promotional spot heard on a college radio station:
"Hello, this is God. Whenever I'm in Pittsburgh--which is all the time,
since I'm omnipresent--I listen to all the radio stations at once,
including WRCT."
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 25 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: sad but true....
Keywords: true, funny
Date: 25 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
{ed Looks like this was collected from the various discussions of
this in comp.misc a long while ago.}
Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer
---------------------------------------------
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The operator believed it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at
Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily
crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we
broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon.
There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the
Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up
to the counter and queried:
"What's wrong with the computer?"
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight
in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:
"Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:
Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the
lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he
couldn't think of a six-letter word.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com Fri Aug 25 05:30:05 1989
Flags: 000000000000
From: peghiny@milpnd.enet.dec.com (Bluegrass For Breakfast)
Subject: sad but true....
Keywords: true, funny
Date: 25 Aug 89 10:30:05 GMT
{ed Looks like this was collected from the various discussions of
this in comp.misc a long while ago.}
Computer Stories from a Field Service Engineer
---------------------------------------------
When I worked for a company that had a contract with 3M, 3M had asked me
to write them a memo describing why we were having problems with diskette
failures. I said in the memo that the disks were failing due to head
crashes. "If the customers would just clean their heads periodically, we
wouldn't have these problems," I said in the memo. One customer responded
with "What kind of shampoo do you recommend?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An end-user hotline received a call about a bad software disk. They asked
the customer to make a copy of the disk and mail it in to the hotline.
A few days later, they received a letter with a mimeographed copy of
the disk. Since it was a double-sided disk, both sides of the disk
had been xeroxed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Computer Operator says as she is lifting an RP06 disk pack from the drive:
"Gee, how much does one of these weigh?"
Me: "It depends on how much data is on the disk....
The operator believed it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I had a similar experience while working as a student operator at
Michigan Tech. One particularly trying afternoon, the computer was merrily
crashing for a number of reasons. After about four such spectacles, we
broadcast that the computer would be down for the remainder of the afternoon.
There was a resigned groan from the users and they began to file out of the
Center, except for one comely young woman with wide blue eyes who wandered up
to the counter and queried:
"What's wrong with the computer?"
Too tired and irritated to give her a straight answer, I looked her straight
in the eye and replied: "Broken muffler belt."
A look of deep concern wafted into her expression as she asked:
"Oh, that's bad. Can you call Midas?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I work for University Computing Services answering questions about any and all
aspects of computing here, and as a result I run into some truly astonishing
mental densities... A few excerpts from the Helpdesk:
Caller: "What's the name for when you're entering data into the computer?"
HD: "Data Entry."
Caller: "Thank you!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Overheard in a student computer lab:
Client (raising hand and waving frantically): "The computer says 'Enter your
name and press RETURN.' What do I do??"
Lab Assistant: "Enter your name and press RETURN."
Client (as if a revelation has struck): "Oh!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another friend of mine in a similar situation reports having a student in the
lab one day, who had to abort out of the SET PASSWORD sequence because he
couldn't think of a six-letter word.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
From suhre@stingray.dsd.trw.com Mon Aug 28 18:30:04 1989
From: suhre@stingray.dsd.trw.com
Subject: News of the Weird
Keywords: true, chuckle
Date: 28 Aug 89 23:30:04 GMT
(As I mentioned before, NotW isn't currently copyrighted, at least
not these articles which appeared in the June LA Reader. So, here they
are. mes)
News of the Weird
Lead Story
Paul LaSalle, twenty-six, was killed near Mt. Pleasant, N.Y.,
in March. He lost control of his car when he pulled alongside a driver
and began to berate him for having just cut LaSalle off.
Government in Action
Debra Gadsen, nineteen, was released early from her five year
sentence i
newborn child to die in a dormitory closet, wrapped in plastic bags)
because she was discovered to be pregnant again.
The U.S. Air Force announced that an MX missile accidentally
dropped seven inches in its silo in Wyoming last June. The cause was
faulty glue. Repairs will cost $4,780,000 -- or $683,000 per inch.
A February report from Finland's Health Ministry, concerned about
declining population and a high incidence of stress among workers
recommended that people should take "sex holidays" from work. The
proposal was immediately endorsed by a Lutheran church official in
Finland.
In February the Environmental Protection Agency inspector
general told a congressional committee that its toxic waste cleanup
program is so badly managed that the agency hired contractors as
telephone receptionists for $30 an hour.
Patrick Kennedy (son of Senator Edward Kennedy) spent $8,000 for
the 1,324 votes ($66 per vote) he received in last year's primary for the
part time Rhode Island legislature seat he eventually won.
San Francisco official accused two cities of intentionally
"dumping" mental patients in their city by buying them one-way plane
tickets there. The director of the city's mental health program said,
"San Francisco is identified as the city of the crazies. We do much
more than other cities and counties. "
Last fall during a public budget confrontation determining how
Franklin County (Ohio) libraries would receive funds, the director of
the Columbus Public Library slapped the director of the Bexly Public
Library, who retaliated with a punch.
Police Blotter
Larry Tubbs, twenty-nine, was sentenced to thirty days in jail in
Lawrence, Kan., for a November incident in which he bit a woman on the
leg and stomach during a church service.
In Prague, a 506 pound man identified as Zbynek M., aged
fifty-two, was sentenced to twelve years in prison for stealing $120,000
worth of food.
Salt Lake City police found a pair of severed legs, each wearing
a different colored sock, in a garbage can behind a grocery store.
Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a
year in March by the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed
$1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund.
Los Angeles police Daryl Gates suspended officer Juan Gomez in
December for having broken wind in the faces of two arrestees in
September. Gomez blamed the problem on indigestion, but his supervisor
called Gomez "feloniously flatulent." One arrestee accused Gomez of
preceding one blast with the words, "Check this out."
Willie Carrol Williams, thirty-seven, was arrested in Sarasota,
Fla., for bank robbery in December. According to police, he had no
getaway car but hailed a taxicab outside the bank and paid the driver to
take him to local malls for a Christmas shopping spree. After police
trapped him an hour later, the taxi driver quoted Williams as saying,
"When you've got the money, you might as well spend it."
--
Maurice Suhre
{decvax,ucbvax}!trwrb!suhre
--
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply.

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