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JOKEBOOK #1
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Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his brother in the jungle?
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Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste.
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Q: What did Tarzan yell when he saw the elephants coming?
A: The elephants are coming!!!!
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Q: Why did they stop the leper hockey game?
A: There was a face off in the corner.
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Q: How do you sink a polish submarine.
A: Knock on the door!!
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Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
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Q: What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A damn good start.
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Q: What do you call a planeload of lawyers that goes down at sea with one
seat empty?
A: A Damn shame!!!!
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Q: What do you do if you come across an elephant?
A: Wipe it off!
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Q: How do you recycle a condom??
A: You turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it.
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Q: Why is shit tapered at the ends?
A: So your asshole doesn't slam shut!
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Q: What's red and screams and goes around in circles?
A: A Baby nailed to the floor.
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Q: What is red and green and nailed to the floor?
A: The same baby, six months later!
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Here in Kentucky, we're in the middle of deer hunting season, which
means that the woods are full of people armed with weapons with a higher
caliber than their IQ. Which brings to mind the story of the man who took
his wife deer hunting (apologies to those who may be offended by the sexism
- actually female deer hunters are no stupider than males). Anyway, they
decided to split up to improve their chances of finding a deer. The man
explained to his wife that the woods were full of dishonest hunters who
might try to claim her deer if she managed to kill one. In case this
happened, she should fire her rifle into the air three times, to summon
him for assistance. They went their separate ways, and soon he heard a
shot, followed by three quick shots. He followed the direction of the
sound, and found his wife holding a man at gunpoint. She said "It was
just like you told me, I killed this deer fair and square and this man
says its his." The husband pointed his rifle at the stranger, who placed
his hands in the air and said "She's welcome to keep it, I would just like
to get my saddle back."
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Q:Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because he was stuck to the chicken.
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The other day this guy came up to me and asked if I wanted to buy his
old '57 Chevy convertible. I thought it was a pretty good looking car and
so I offered him 50 female pigs and 50 male deer.
The guy looked at me kind of crazy like and started to mutter under
his breath. I asked him what's the matter, don't you want a hundred sows
and bucks?
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Roses are red,
And ready for plucking,
She's fifteen,
And ready for ...
High school.
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This is a song sung to a girl...
I love you in blue,
I love you in red,
But most of all baby,
I love you in...
Blue.
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So this lady walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. A drunk
at the bar looks up and says, "That's the ugliest pig I ever saw!". The
lady says, "You stupid drunk. That's not a pig, that's a duck!". And the
drunk says, "I was talking to the duck."
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Q: Why did cavemen drag their women by the hair?
A: Because if they dragged them by the feet they would fill up with rocks.
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There were two morons that wanted to go hunting. They went out into the
woods and after a while decided to split up. One went one way and the other
went another way. As this joke would have it, one of the morons shot the
other moron by mistake. The moron that shot his friend was very upset and
so he took the friend to the hospital. When he saw the doctor, he asked how
his friend was doing and if he was going to live. The doctor replied, "He
would have been fine if you hadn't have gutted him first."
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This man walked into the bar and said to the bartender, "Let me tell
you this joke about dumb jocks." The bartender replied, "Listen, bud, I
don't think that would be a good idea. See those two guys over in the
corner booth? They used to play for the Dallas Cowboys. And those three
guys at the end of the bar used to wrestle professionally. Also, I used
to play professional hockey." The man then replied, "Forget it, I don't
have time to explain it to all six of you."
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One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to
grow". So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy
a bottle of pills.
An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc
says, "Take 3 of these a day." "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves.
Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says,
"Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves.
The next day all three guys come into the office.
1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!"
2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behingd me!"
Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!"
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Q: What's the square root of 69?
A: 8 something.
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This old man rambles into a bar and shuffles up to the counter. He leans
over the counter and says to the bartender "I'll gouge my eye out for $25."
The bartender says, "I'm game," so the old man pops out a fake eye with a big
grim and takes the $25. Then he says, "For $50 I'll bite my other eye." The
bartender then says, "You must have at least one good eye, so I'm in." So the
old man pulls out his dentures and moves them in a biting motion over his
other eye and takes the money. The old man then says "For ..." The bartender
cuts in and says, "I'm not going to pay you to do anything else." So the old
man shuffles of to the back room. About thirty minutes later he comes back up
to the bartender and says, "I'm going to give you a chance to get your money
back. I'll bet you $100 That I can pee into a shot glass on one end of the bar
from the other end of the bar." The Bartender thinks this over and agrees to
it. So the bartender puts a shotglass at one end and the old man stands up on
the other end a pulls it out and starts peeing all over the bar, stools, and
even the bartender. The bartender jumps up for joy knowing that he has just
won his hundred when he notices the old man laughing. He asks the old man why
he is laughing and the old man says, "I just bet two men in the back $500 that
I could pee all over you and the bar and have you like it."
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Q: If there were three Santa's on a roof, how could you tell which one was an
Aggie?
A: The one with the Easter basket!
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--->>> T H E R U L E S <<<---
1. The female ALWAYS makes the rules.
2. The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all the rules.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she may immediately
change all or some of the rules.
5. The female is NEVER wrong.
6. If the female seems to be wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunder-
standing which was a direct result of something the male did or said
wrong.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the
misunderstanding.
8. The female can change her mind at any given time.
9. The male must NEVER change his mind without the prior written consent of
the female.
10. The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be
angry or upset.
12. The female must NEVER, under any circumstances, let the male know whether
or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. Any attempt to document these rules by the male, could result in sever
bodily harm.
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There was once a little boy ...
He was at home one day and he heard some moaning and groaning coming
from his mother's bedroom. He hastily peeked through the keyhole and saw his
mother lying on the bed, naked, rubbing herself and saying "I need a man,
God, I need a man!"
The boy saw this ritual several times, until one day he peeked through
the keyhole and saw a man on top of her. He immediately ran to his room,
took off all his clothes, and rubbed himself while saying: "I need a bike,
I need a bike!"
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Q: How do you know when your girlfriend/wife/lover is too fat?
A: When she keeps her vibrator in the gun rack!
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Q: What did they do with the dead Texan that was too big to fit in a coffin?
A: Gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box!
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(Tom Neukam)
This text ACTUALLY came out of an IBM service database.
Of course it's referring to the rubber ball inside a
computer mouse ...
Abstract: MOUSE BALLS NOW AVAILABLE AS FRU (Field Replacement Unit)
Text: Mouse Balls are now available as a FRU. If a mouse fails to
operate or should perform erratically, it may be in need of ball
replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure,
replacement of mouse balls should be attempted by trained personnel
only.
Before ordering, determine type of mouse balls required by examining
the underside of each mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder
than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ, depending upon
manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the
pop-off method and domestic balls replaced using the twist-off
method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive, however,
excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used
immediately.
It is recommended that each servicer have a pair of balls for
maintaining optimum customer satisfaction and that any customer
missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these
necessary functional items.
P/N 33F8462 - Domestic Mouse Balls
P/N 33F8461 - Foreign Mouse Balls
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Q: What does an Irish seven-course meal consists of?
A: A six pack and a potato.
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Q: What has 300 legs and seven teeth?
A: The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.
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Q: What is the best thing about Alzheimer's disease?
A: You meet so many new people.
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Q: Why don't elephants pick their nose?
A: Cuz there's nowhere to hide a 6 foot booger!
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A blind guy walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog and, for
no apparent reason, grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging the poor
mutt around and around. A clerk rushes over to the man to see if he could
help. "Excuse me sir, can I assist you in some way?" And the blind man
replies, "No thanks, just looking!"
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During a recess in the proceedings, three delegates to an international
agriculture convention sat down for cocktails, and before long, they began
to discuss methods for driving their wives wild.
The French delegate volunteered that he always picked a few roses from the
garden, spread the petals on his wife's body, then gently blew them off
before making love.
The Englishman declared that before making love to his wife, he would
massage her with hot oil.
The two Europeans then turned to the Texan and asked him his secret.
"Well," he said, "after the wife and I get it on, I hop outta bed and
wipe my dick on the curtains. That, gents, drives her wild!"
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... And that kind of reminds me of one time that I was in a steak house in
Austin. Guy came in and sat at the table next to us and ordered a sirloin.
The waitress asked him how he wanted it and he answered, "Knock off its
horns, wipe its a** and walk it through the kitchen."
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Q: What do you call a sheep hauler going through Wyoming???
A: A pimp.
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Three grade-school children learned how to swear from their friends at
school. Thinking highly of their accomplishment, they decided to try it
out at home, choosing the next morning's breakfast to show off their newly
acquired skill. As they sit down at the breakfast table, their mother
turns to the oldest child and asks what he wants for breakfast.
"Aw, hell, I think I'll have some damn cheerios," he replies, whereupon
mother whacks him a good one upside the head. Somewhat irritated, she
turns to the next child and asks him what he wants.
"Ah, hell, I'll have some of them f**king cheerios, too," is his answer,
whereupon he also gets whacked dizzy. In utter disgust, the mother turns
to the youngest child and repeats her question in a clearly angry tone of
voice.
The child replied "I sure as hell ain't going to have them f***ing
cheerios!"
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Q: What do you have when you've got a mothball in your right hand, and a
mothball in your left hand?
A: A BIG moth!
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Q: You have a small green ball in your left hand. You also have another one
in your right hand. What do you have?
A: Kermit's FULL attention.
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Q: If you put two nuts on a wall, what do you have?
A: Walnuts.
Q: If you put two nuts on two peas, what do you have?
A: Peanuts.
Q: If you put two nuts on your chin, what do you have?
A: Chin nuts.
No ... You have a dick in your mouth!
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Mary had a little lamb,
She kept in her backyard,
When she took her panties off,
His woolly dick got hard.
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Chip and Dale were eating nuts one day and arguing over what kind of tree
they were sitting in. About that time Woody Woodpecker flies by and hears
the commotion. Says Woody, "I'll settle the argumant." "O.k.," said the
squirrels. So Woody finds himself a good perch and proceeds to peck away.
After quite awhile, too exhausted to continue, he finishes. Chip and Dale,
excited to find out who's right, ask him, "Well, what is it?" Says Woody,
"I don't know what you were arguing about - that was the best piece of ash
I ever stuck my pecker in."
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One day Dirty Ernie is playing with his train set. The little train came
around to the little station and stopped. So Ernie said, "All the people
getting off the train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on,
get on the fucking train". So, the train goes around the little track and
back into the station. Ernie says again, "All the people getting off the
train, get off the fucking train; all the people getting on, get on the
fucking train." Well, Ernie's mother had heard enough! "Ernie, go to your
room. No dinner tonight!" After dinner, Ernie's mother went upstairs to
his room. "Well Ernie, I think you learned your lesson; you can go play
with your trains." Ernie plays, the train pulls up to the little station.
Says Ernie, "All the people getting on the train, get on the train; all
the people getting off the train, get off. Anyone who wants to know why
we are late tonight, ask the fucking bitch in the kitchen."
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Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
A: An epileptic.
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Q: Who's the patron saint of Ethiopia?
A: Karen Carpenter.
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Q: Why did God make women?
A: Because sheep can't cook.
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Q: What do you call an armless, legless, water skiier?
A: Skip.
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Roses are red,
Pickles are green,
I like your legs,
And what's in between.
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Q: What do you do if a pitbull starts humping your leg?
A: Fake an Orgasam!
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The night of Hugo, just when the eye of the storm was coming upon us, the
water was so high outside it started coming in the windows. When the eye
hit, I waded outside and, for safety, the neighbor's son and I ended up on
the top of thier house. As we sat there, we saw logs, parts of roofs and
houses and even mailboxes float by the house. All of a sudden a baseball
cap came floating down past the house, then stopped, and floated upstream,
then stopped and reversed directions a couple more times. Totally amazed I
said to the kid, "Wonder what that is?" To which he replied, "Oh, that's
the ole man. He said, 'Today, come Hell or High Water' he was gonna get
that damn lawn mowed!"
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Q: What do you get when you cross a midget with a prostitute?
A: A little fucker about three feet high.
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Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
A: In his feet, 'cause if he steps on you, you're fucked.
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Q: If whiskey makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets a girl
pregnant?
A: Two high balls and a squirt.
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A guy walks into a bar where he has heard that the bartender is keeping a
horse in back. Walking up to the bar, he asks what the bartender would
give him if he were able to go back to the horse and make it laugh. The
bartender offers 100 bucks. The guy says o.k., and walks back to the horse
and whispers in its ear. Suddenly the horse starts laughing in an uproar.
The man colects his money and leaves. A week later, the man shows up again
and asks the bartender what he'd pay if he could make the horse cry? This
time the bartender is thinking he's got a sure win and bets 1000 bucks.
Once agin the man walks back to the horse and a few minutes later, the
horse is crying! The bartender pays up, but asks "You got to tell me what
happened." The man says, "Well, the first time, I told your horse that my
cock was bigger than his. The second time, I showed him."
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A priest wanted to raise money for the church. He was told that there was a
fortune in horse rasing, so he decided to purchase a horse and enter it in
a race. However, at an auction, the going price for a horse was so steep
that he decided to buy a donkey and race it. To his surprise, the donkey
came in third. The next day the racing sheet carried the headline, "PRIEST'S
ASS SHOWS." The priest was pleased with the donkey and entered it in another
race. This time it won. The paper reported, "PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT." The
bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity, that he ordered the priest
not to enter the donkey in any more races. The paper read, "BISHOP SCRATCHES
PRIEST'S ASS." This was just too much for the bishop, so he ordered the
priest to get rid of the donkey. The priest gave the donkey to a nun at a
nearby convent and the headline read, "NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN." The bishop
fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey.
She sold it to a farmer for $10 and the newspaper reported, "NUN PEDDLES ASS
FOR TEN BUCKS." They buried the bishop the next day.
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Two fags were standing on a corner - one with his finger up the other's ass.
A cop came up and asked the fag, "Why do you have your finger up that guy's
ass?" "I'm trying to make him throwup," lisped the fag. "But," said the cop,
"that's not going to make him throwup." Replied the fag, "It will when I
stick it in his mouth."
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Did you hear about the husband who took his wife to the zoo? They walked
over to the gorilla cage, which contained a mean old 600 pound gorilla. The
man got ahold of the key to the cage, unlocked the door, threw his wife
inside and said, "Now go ahead and tell HIM you got a headache!"
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Q: How do you know a polack is at a cock fight?
A: He brings the duck.
Q: How do you know an irishman is at a cock fight?
A: He bets on the duck.
Q: How do you know italians are at a cock fight?
A: The duck wins.
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Well, here it is Sunday evening again and you've probably all read, reread,
and pretty well exhausted the info in your Church bulletin by now ... Real
exciting stuff, eh? Yeah, ours generally is too. But sometimes ...
"This afternoon there will be meetings in the south and
north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at
both ends."
"Tuesday at 4:00pm, there will be an Ice Cream Social. All
ladies giving milk please come early."
"Wednesday, the Ladies Literary Society will meet. Mrs.
Johnson will sing, 'Put Me in My Little Bed,' accompanied
by the Pastor."
"Thursdays at 5:00 pm, there will be a meeting of the
Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become Little Mothers
will please meet with the minister in his study."
"This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Borwn to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar."
"The service will close with 'Little Drops of Water,' one
of the men will start quietly and the rest of the congre-
gation will join in."
"The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every
kind and they can be seen in the church basement on Friday
afternoon."
"On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray
the expense on the new carpet. All wishing to do some-
thing on the carpet, please come forward and get a piece
of paper."
<These are all *actually* factual!>
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Q: What does a Jewish wife make for supper?
A: Reservations!
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Sammy Davis, Jr. passes through the Pearly Gate and runs into Rock Hudson.
"Rock," he says, "You can smoke'em or poke'em, but one way or another, them
butts are sure to kill you."
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A jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's
house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circum-
cision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream
and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's
this," she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a
whole one!"
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Q: What has 60 teeth and holds back a gigantic monster?
A: My zipper.
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When I got married I told my wife I wanted to set the world on fire. After
three years of being married to her I wanted to set myself on fire ...
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A priest, a minister and a rabbi all died at the same time and met at the
Pearly Gates. St. Peter stood before the locked gates and looked upon them
sternly. "I have been reviewing your lives," St. Peter began, "You've all
done a remarkable job leading exemplary lives. However, before I can allow
any of you to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, you each must answer one ques-
tion." Peter turned towards the priest, "Father, when does life begin?"
The priest proudly replied, "At the moment of conception!" Consulting his
answer sheet, St. Peter said, "You've answered according to your faith.
You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the priest disappeared through
the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the minister. "When does life begin?"
The minister, without hesitation proclaimed, "When the head leaves the birth
canal!" Peter once again checked his list, saying, "You've answered accord-
ing to your faith. You may now enter the Kingdom of Heaven." As the minister
disappeared through the Pearly Gates, St. Peter turned to the rabbi. "So,
Rabbi, when does life begin?" The rabbi thought carefully, stroked his
beard, and replied, "When the dog dies and the kids leave home."
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A polack, a german and an iraqi all volunteered for a scientific experiment
to determine ethnic variation in olfactory tolerance. The three were locked
into a well-heated pigpen with four pigs who had been fed a steady diet of
All-Bran and Ex-Lax. After thirty minutes, the german could take it no longer
and crawled, gasping for breath, from the pig-pen. Two hours later the
polack left the pig-pen, a curious shade of chartreuse, and collapsed. Ten
more minutes passed before the pigs ran out begging for mercy ...
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Q: What is seven miles long and goes five miles per hour?
A: A mexican funeral with only one set of jumper cables.
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After many years of study, two orthodox rabbanical students graduated from
the seminary, and were told to get black suits and go into the world. One
said that his uncle Pincus, the tailor, would give them a great deal, so
they went to see him. After picking up their suits, the two new rabbis walked
down the street, arguing about the color of their suits. The first rabbi said
the suits were navy; the second said no they were black. That's when they saw
a nun waiting at a bus stop. They ran up behind the nuns to compare colors of
clothing. Lo and behold, their suits were navy! "How do you like that, Pincus
fucked us!" said one rabbi. The nun turned around, saying, "I didn't know you
could speak Latin!"
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Customer: How much is a haircut?
Barber: Eight dollars.
Customer: How much is a shave?
Barber: A buck.
Customer: In that case, shave my hair off ...
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Two tourists, a Pole and Czechoslovakian, were visiting Yellowstone National
Park. Their first night, two huge bears wandered into their campsite and ate
the two hapless tourists. The park rangers set out immediately to find these
killer bears. Finally, they cornered two bears, a male and a female, which
they thought might have been responsible. "What do you think we ought to do
with them?" asked the first ranger. "Well," the second ranger replied, "I
figure we should cut the bears open. If we find the people inside, we know
we've got our killer bears." Whereupon, the first ranger began to cut the
female bear, and sure enough he found the remains of the Pole. "Any luck?"
he called out to his partner. "Yep," said the other. "The Czech is in the
male."
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A jewish guy walked into a bar, sat down next to a chinese guy, had two
drinks, and punched the chinese guy in the nose. "What that for?" asked the
chinese guy. "That's for bombing Pearl Harbor," said the Jew. "You idiot,"
said the chinese guy, "JAPANESE bomb Pearl Harbor - NOT Chinese!" "Ah,"
said the jewish guy, "Chinese, japanese, it's all the same." So the chinese
guy finished his drink and punched the jewish guy in the nose. "What was
THAT for?" asked the jewish guy. "That for sinking Titanic," said the chinese
guy. "You moron," said the jewish guy, "the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!"
"Ah so," said the chinese guy, "Iceberg, Greenberg, it all same!"
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Q: What do you say to a mexican in a three-piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please stand.
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Two canadians decide to go duck hunting so they get up early one morning,
and go off to the swamps with their red hats, duck calls, and their trusty
hunting dog. Even with all conditions favorable for a good day, by day's end
they headed home without a single duck! The first canadian said "Do you
think that maybe the duck calls didn't work?" The second replied, "No, the
duck calls were fine. I think we weren't throwing the dog high enough!"
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Three yuppers were out in the forest hunting. They hadn't had much luck and
were about ready to shoot anything. One yupper forced his way through some
bushes and said, "Hey! I found some deer tracks!" The second yupper nudged
him to the side and said, "You dummy, those aren't deer tracks, those are
bear tracks!" So, the third yupper shoved his way in, put his head down
real close to the tracks to see what they were, and was run over by a train.
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The Scots pray on the Sabbath, and on their neighbors; the Irish don't know
what they believe in, but they're more than ready to die for it; and the
British all claim to be self-made men - which at least relieves God of the
responsibility!
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She was so ugly that I took her to the top of the Empire State building and
planes started to attack her.
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Two yuppers were hunting in the woods. It had been a long and unproductive
day. As the hunters walked into a sunny clearing, Sven spied a beautiful,
and well-endowed, coed sunbathing in the nude. She noticed the hunters,
winked, and waved them over. "Ole," Sven stammered, "I think she wants us
to screw her!" Ole replied "I'm game." So Sven shot him.
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Q: What do you get when you play a country song backwards?
A: You get your house back, your car back, your woman back, and you get
your whole damn life back.
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A team of detectives arrived at the business executive's New York penthouse
apartment and were admitted by the butler. "Mr. James," one told the busi-
nessman, "we have some good news and some bad news about your missing wife."
"You'd better give me the bad news first," said Mr. James. "We found her
floating face down in the East River this afternoon with eight large lob-
sters clinging to her body." "Oh, poor Sandra," the man sighed, "What's
the good news?" "We're sending her back out in the morning."
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While taking a break from the assembly line, two auto workers were discuss-
ing the strange twists life sometimes takes. "Who woulda thought," one
mused, "that there would come a day when I would have more money than
Donald Trump, higher morals than Jimmy Swaggart, and more pussy than
Rock Hudson?"
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Two newfies were off on their annual trip to the Canadian Rockies to bag a
moose. As the seaplane landed on a lake in a remote area, the pilot said,
"I'll be back in one week to pick you up. But only one moose, please."
A week later, when he returned to the lake, the pilot found the hunters
proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the
furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that
much weight!" "You're just a chicken," one hunter said. "We killed two
moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off," said the other
newfie. Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered.
"Alright, if you did it last year, I guess we can try it." So they loaded
up and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his take-off.
The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the
overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the newfies regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one
asked. His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the
edge of the lake, and replied, "Oh, I guess about a hundred yards further
than last year."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A New Jersey suburbonite had just motored through the Lincoln Tunnel into
Manhattan when a hooker approached him and said, "I'll do anything you want
- your wildest fantasies - for $100. But you have to tell me in three
words." The guy thought for a moment and replied, "Okay ... Paint my house."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
With the sun beginning to rise, the cabin of the jetliner was suddenly
illuminated. "Who turned on the fucking lights?" a male passenger, who had
been surly since boarding, snarled at a stewardess. The girl had had enough
of this particular character. "These are the breakfast lights, sir," she
answered with forced sweetness. "The fucking lights are much dimmer, and
you snored right through them."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You were so ugly as a kid that your mother had to feed you with a
sling shot ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You were so ugly when you were born, the doctor took one look at your
face, turned you over and said, "Look ... twins!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You were so ugly as kid that on Halloween you're mother put peanut butter
around your lips and sent you out as an asshole ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Republicans understand the importance of the bondage between parent and
child."
(Dan Quayle, U.S. vice-president)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women are like floppy disks - Smart men always keep a back-up ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember when I was so depressed I was going to jump out a highrise
window. I tell you I get no respect; when they sent a priest up to talk to
me he said, "On your mark. Get set ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tell you I get no respect - A hooker once told me she had a headache ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Do you think," asked the poll taker, "that the terms of Congressmen should
be limited?" "Hell no!" raged the taxpayer. "They should stay in jail as
long as everyone else!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I'm not saying her fiance' is cheap," whispered the office gossip, "but
every time I get close to her engagement ring, I have an overwhelming desire
for some Cracker Jacks ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The next thing you know, instead of issuing stamps, they're just going slap
a little glue on the backs of dollar bills ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're in a small town when ...
... You dial a wrong number and talk for 15 minutes anyway.
... You are run off Main Street by a combine.
... You can't walk for exercise - every car that passes offers you a ride.
... You don't use your turn signal because everyone knows where you
are going.
... You get married and the local newspaper devotes a quarter page to the
story.
... You drive into a ditch five miles out of town and the word gets back
to town before you do.
... The biggest business in town sells farm machinery.
... You write a check on the wrong bank - and it covers you anyway.
... The pick-ups on Main Street outnumber the cars 3-to-1.
... You miss a Sunday at church and receive get-well cards.
... Someone asks you how you are, and actually wants to know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A big, ugly, biker stormed into a bar in a bad mood one evening, obviously
looking for a fight. "Everybody on that side of the bar is an asshole!" he
shouted, "Anybody want to make something of it? Just stand up!" Nobody
stood up. "And everyone on this side of the bar is a fucking faggot!" A
lawyer stood up. "You wanna fight?" snarled the biker. "No", said the
lawyer, "it's just that I'm on the wrong side of the bar."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JEFFREY DAHMER JOKES
Q: What other charges will be filed against Dahmer?
A: Selling arms to Iran.
Q: What were they playing on the radio when the police entered Dahmer's
apartment?
A: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face."
Q: What did Dahmer say to the police when they arrested him?
A: "Oh, come on, have a heart."
Q: Why did Dahmer put the head in the refrigerator?
A: To see if the light really turned off.
Q: What does the ad for Dahmer's apartment say?
A: Apartment for rent, roommate included, some assembly required.
Q: Did you hear that Dahmer got out on bail?
A: Yeah, he had to put up an arm and a leg.
Q: Did you hear that Dahmer sold his Chevette?
A: It just didn't have enough leg room.
Dahmer used body parts to brew his own beer. Trouble was, when you poured it
out, it had no head.
Milwaukee is so upset over the Dahmer killings, that the city council is
changing the name of the town to "Hack 'n Sack."
On Sale -- Limited Time Only -- just $19.95
Take the finest in Old-Wisconsin Style Foods
Among Jeff's favorite recipes:
Icebox Surprise Pie Head Cheese Terry Aki
Beans & Frank Shish-k-Bob Bobby's Bratwurst
"Screamin'" Sammy Sausage Leg 'o Sam Chuck Roast
Scrambled Legs Baked Alaskan Paul Pot Pie
Finger Sandwiches Head Lettuce Elbow Macaroni
Vince Meat Handburger Bob-b-que
Barry's Back Ribs Filet 'o Fred Big Mac
Bill's Boilin' in the bag Stew Manwiches Rice-o-Ronnie
Matzo Balls Peter Bread Sloppy Joe
Moo Goo Guy-in-a-Pan (old Chinese recipe)
Jeff's Favorite Bands -- Fine Young Cannibals, Talking Heads
Jeff's Favorite Movies -- "Eating Raoul" and "Diner"
Jeff's Favorite Drink -- Harvey Wallbanger
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day 3 baby boys were born in the hospital at the same time and the nurses
got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone stood around
wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped forward,
clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped up, threw
his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit his
diapers and the Polish baby played in it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three kinds of sex:
1. Kitchen sex - This is usually when you're first together. You'll do it
ANYWHERE.
2. Bedroom sex - As your relationship progresses this is the usual place for
sex.
3. Hallway sex - As your relationship has matured you walk down the hall and
say "Fuck you".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An attractive young secretary in her first week on the job got some friendly
advice about the office Romeo from the more matronly office workers. "Watch
out for 'Tiny' ... Stay away from 'Tiny'," they warned her. After a few weeks
on the job, two of the older secretaries cornered her in the copy room. "I
see you worked after hours with Tiny last night," one began. "Did Tiny make
any moves on you when you were alone?" the other asked. The pretty young
secretary didn't know quite what to say. She replied that she had a most
pleasant evening, and she didn't know why everyone kept calling him
'Tiny'. "Oh, I guess you didn't find out last night after all," one of
the older women laughed. "You see, he has a tatto on the side of his penis
that says 'Tiny'." "Then we must be talking about two different people,"
the young secretary rplied, "The man I was with has a tatoo that says
Ticonderoga, NY."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
A: They're worth it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the Jewish stand on abortion?
A: If it's a good deal, it's ok.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Israeli tank hit an Egyptian tank. The Egyptian jumped out of his tank,
frantically waving a white flag. The Israeli jumped out of his tank shout-
ing, "Whiplash! Whiplash!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you know how the Israelis captured the Negev desert? The Egyptians had a
bunch of Russian advisors during the war. The Russians have always relied on
their time proven, reliable, strategy - retreat before the enemy, and wait
for the Russian winter to descend.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I met a girl at a party the other night. One thing led to another and before
I knew it, I was having sex with her. I wondered what kind of birth control
she was using. It was foam. By the time I found out, I looked like a mad
dog.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three elderly women, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida
retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their
conversation turned to children. "My son is the most successful doctor on
Park Avenue," announced Mrs. Cohen. Not to be outdone, Mrs. Goldsteinthe
remarked, "My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street." Mrs. Smith
remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, Mrs. Cohen inquired,
"And you, dear, do you have a son?" "And is he a professional?" demanded
Mrs. Goldstein. "Well, not exactly," answered Mrs. Smith, "Actually, he's
a plumber. And not only that, he's gay." Beaming, one of the poor woman's
interrogators offered consolation: "Ah, he's not doing so well ..." This
time it was the Mrs. Smith smiled. "He's not doing too badly," she explained.
"He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most
successful lawyer on Wall Street ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #2
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a man that has no arms, no legs and a twelve inch dick?
A: Partially handicapped.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl went to the Judge and asked to be taken away from her
parents ...
Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Mommy?"
Little Girl: "No, my Mommy beats me."
Judge: "Little girl, don't you want to live with your Daddy?"
Little Girl: "No, my Daddy beats me too."
Judge: "Well little girl, who do you want to live with?"
Little Girl: "I want to live with the Cubs because they never beat
anyone!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Helen Keller go crazy?
A: She tried to read a sheet of sandpaper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy is lost at sea for days, and finally finds land, a native island. The
guy makes friends with the native chief, and in appreciation the chief gives
the guy his daughter for the night. So that night as they were going at it,
the girl starts saying "Agooma, agooma!" The man thought this meant, "This is
great! I love this!" So the next morning, the chief invited the man to a game
of golf. Just at the end, the man wanted to show his appreciation for the
game of golf, and also wanted to show off his new knowledge, so he said
"Agooma, agooma!" The chief replied "What do you mean 'wrong hole'?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What`s moist and pink and split right down the middle?
A: A grapefruit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
POLITICAL SPEECH OF A LADY DELEGATE TO A NATIONAL POLITICAL CONVENTION
Dear Lady Delegates:
We must have what the men have. It may not be very long, But we mean
to have it. If we can't have it without friction, then we will have it with
friction. If we can't get it through organization, then we will get it
through combination or both, if necessary.
We refuse to be poked in the gallery any longer, and insist on being
layed on the floor in the house. We are willing to look up to the men, but
we don't always want to hold up our ends and show our possibilities when-
ever anything arises that will meet our expectations. Nothing that comes
will be too hard for us.
We women have always been interested in good movements and will take
any load given us. We are still willing to work under men that have been
over us in the past, even to the point of exhaustion if necessary. But,
we are beginning to become disgusted with failings and short comings.
Never when anything arose that required our presence and attention
have we failed to come again and again if the occasion required it. But,
all too often have our hopes and striving been met with feeble performances
which have left us disappointed and unsatisfied.
How often have our efforts to push our ends been met with the cry,
"Down with petticoats"? Now I say, "Up with the petticoats and down with
the pants!" As long as we women are split up the way we are the men will
always be on top.
Thank you friends.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi! I am a creature from outer space. I have transformed myself into
your computer keyboard. Right now I am having sex with your fingers. I know
you like it because you are smiling. Please allow someone else to use the
keyboard, because I'm really horny and wish to reproduce!
INS INS INS INS INS INS INS INS ...
Howdya like the way I jab that insert key baby? I'll bet your control is
ready to break.
ENTER
ENTER
ENTER
Heh, heh. Bet you let out an extended character or two when I rammed that
one home.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a woman driver and a woman golfer?
A: One hits everything and the other hits nothing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
No matter how you slice it, it's still a golf ball.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear what the condemned golfer's last words to the hangman were?
A: "Mind if I have a few practice swings?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Can you count," asked the golfer to the caddy asking for a job. "Yes sir,"
said the boy. "Can you add," asks the golfer. "Yes sir," said the boy.
"Okay then, how much is 4 + 5 + 7 ?" "9 sir." "Excellent, you got the job!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The golfer had lost his ball and was a little annoyed with his caddy: "Why
the hell didn't you watch where it went?" "Well sir," said the boy, "it don't
usually go anywhere, so when you did hit the ball, it sort of caught me by
surprise."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Know what a rodeo fuck is?
A: You start to screw your wife doggie style, hold on to her shoulders, and
whisper in her ear that her sister is a better fuck than she is, and try
to hold on for 8 seconds.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man suspects his wife of cheating on him, so he goes to the pet store
to shop for a parrot. He sees quite an assortment for sale for $500 to $1000,
but that's a bit more than he want to spend, so he's delighted to come across
one in the corner for sale for $29.95. "How come that one's so cheap," he
asks the clerk. "To tell you the truth, his dick is oversized and it embar-
rasses the customers." The husband buys the bird anyway, and installs it on
a perch right over the bed. The next day the first thing he does after coming
home form work is to rush upstairs ... "Well, what happened today?" he
demanded of the bird. "Well, the milkman came, and your wife told him to
come into the bedroom, and they took off their clothes and got into bed."
"So what happened next," screamed the husband. "I don't know," says the
parrot, "My dick got hard and I fell off my perch!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy was telling his buddy that his wife could always tell when he had been
messing around just by looking at his eyes. His buddy said, "No wonder, you
have a pubic hair hanging from your eyelid!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was
having affairs with his patients? Yeah, it's a shame because he was one of
the top veterinarians in the country!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Moses and the Jews wander in the desert for twenty-five years?
A: One of them dropped a quarter.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Jewish American Princess and a Mexican
girl?
A: The Mexican girl's jewelry is fake and her orgasms are real ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the war between the Poles and the Germans?
A: The Poles threw dynamite - the Germans lit it and threw it back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats black, charred, and hangs from a chandelier?
A: A Polish electrician.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Spock find in the Enterprise toilet?
A: The captain's log.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jesus and Moses went out to play golf one day. Moses tees off on the first
hole, and hits a beautiful 250-yard drive right in the middle of the fairway.
Jesus steps up, and hits a worm-burner about 50 yards. Moses started to
laugh, but then a mouse picked up the ball and ran down the fairway. A hawk
swooped down from the sky, picked up the mouse, flew over the green, and
dropped the mouse. The mouse dropped the ball, and the ball rolled right in
the cup. Moses turned to Jesus and says, "Are you gonna play golf or just
screw around?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell
the truth?" The Father thought for a moment. "Yes Son," he replied, "Some-
times a lawyer will do anything to win a case."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between having sex with a six year old and having
with a sixteen year old?
A: You have to kill the six year old afterwards.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is AIDS a magical disease?
A: It turns fruits into vegetables.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about Bill and Joe, the twin brothers?
Bill was married and Joe was single. The single brother, Joe, was the proud
owner of a dilapidated old row boat. It so happened that Bill's wife died on
the same day that Joe's boat filled with water and sank. A few days later
a kindly old lady met Joe on the street and mistook him for his brother Bill.
She said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, I was sorry to hear of your great loss. You must
feel terrible."
Joe spoke up saying, "I'm not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing right
from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of old fish and the
first time I got into her she drank water faster than anything I ever saw.
She had a bad crack and a pretty bad hole in her front, and the hole kept
getting bigger every time I used her. It got so I could handle her all right,
but when anyone else used her, she leaked like everything. But what really
finished her was the four guys looking for a good time. They asked me if I
would rent her to them. I warned them that she wasn't too hot, but they
could take a crack at her anyway. The result was the crazy fools tried to
get into her all at once and it was too much for her and she cracked up the
middle ..."
Before he could finish the old lady fainted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: B.H.
SUBJECT: Chauvinist from Hell!
Well, I heard this joke from a rather drunk friend of mine. The clincher
is, he told it in front of his wife. Not a pretty sight...
God created the world. He was lonely, and so he created the
birds, the animals, and the fishes. He was still lonely, and
so he created two men. When he finished, he sat back and
sighed satisfactorily. A timid angel raised his hand and
said, "God, there is just one problem. You have created two
men. They cannot reproduce." God thought about the problem
for a moment, scratched his chin, and replied, "You're right.
Give the dumb one a cunt."
I just about fell over!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How much skin does it take to cover a pussy?
A: (Stick out tongue)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a quarter on his head?
A: A quarter-pounder!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a yeast infection?
A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife had gotten into the habit of referring to making love as
"doing the laundry" so their kid's wouldn't know what was up. One day the
man came home from work and said to his wife, "Honey, let's do some laundry."
"Not now," she said, "I've had a hard day and I just wanna watch a little
t.v." "OK," he says, "I'm gonna go take a nap." Time passed and the missus
decided that a little whoopee might be just the thing so she joined her hubby
in the bedroom. "I've changed my mind, let's do some laundry " she said.
"Sorry," said the husband, "but I just had a small load, so I did it by
hand."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
A: Depends on how thin you slice them ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Elvis was murdered by donuts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two dogs walking through the woods, both get caught in bear traps. One dog
says, "We need to chew off a leg to get loose." The other dog says no way.
First dog chews off his leg, goes in to town, gets patched up by the vet,
and comes back a few days later. The other dog is still in the trap. The
first dog says, ""You need to chew off your leg to get loose." The other
dog says, "I already chewed off three legs and I still ain't free."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A gigolo married an ugly, not too bright woman who happened to have loads of
money. One day the man went out to repair a hole in the roof of the stable.
"I need a ladder," he said to his wife. "Get the ladder, get the ladder," she
repeated dutifully as she trotted off. "I need a hammer and nails," he told
her a bit later. "Get the hammer, get the nails, get the hammer ..." she
repeated as she ran back to the toolshed. The guy soon got down to work and
was hammering away when he hit himself squarely on the thumb. "Fuck!" he
screamed. His wife bobbed away saying, "Get the bag, get the bag!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the worst thing about eating a hairless pussy?
A: Putting the diaper back on when you're finished.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Washington, D.C. have so many lawyers and New Jersey so many
toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got to choose first ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats blue and comes in brownies?
A: Cub Scouts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three dogs sitting at the pound and each had an interesting story
about why they were there and what they thought would happen to them.
Pit-Bull: The family next door had a nine month old baby and it was always
crying - crying so much it was driving its parents crazy, driving my owner
crazy, driving ME crazy - everyone! So, one day, they left the back door open
and I sneaked in and bit it's arm off. I heard later that it died on the way
to the hospital.
"So," asked the the doberman, "what do you think will happen to you?"
"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the pit-bull.
Doberman: The damned postman always sprays me with mace. It makes my eyes
water like crazy, makes me sneeze and I can't sleep all afternoon. One day,
another postman came to the house, but he didn't know I existed, so I chewed
his leg off. Apparently he died the next day at the hospital.
"So," asked the great dane, "what do you think will happen to you?"
"I guess I'll get the gas chamber," replied the doberman.
Great Dane: My master is a gorgeous 25 year old woman. One day I was lonely
and was looking for her. But I couldn't find her. So, I went upstairs and I
found her kneeling on the floor, washing out the bath tub. She had no clothes
on and the sight made me lose control. I sneaked up behind her and ...
"So," interrupted the other two, "what do you think will happen to you?"
"I guess I'm here to get my nails cut," grinned the great dane ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of a wife?
A: An attachment you screw on the bed to clean the house.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What good are tails on an animal?
A: Maybe they should be considered as neckties for their butts?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the cement truck that crashed into the prison bus?
A: They ended up with a bunch of hardened criminals.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the boatload of red paint that crashed into a boat
carrying blue paint?
A: 13 passengers were marooned.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What looks like, smells like and tastes like banana's, but isn't banana's?
A: Monkey puke.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you tell a dutchman who has his finger in a dyke?
A: That he's wasting his time, there's no way he'll stop the flow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man named Dave,
Who kept a dead whore in his cave,
She was dirty and gritty,
And missing one titty,
But think of the money he saved!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This fellow's wife was very flat chested. He came home from work one day and
to his utter amazement, there was his wife with a pair of 44" breasts. He
said, "My gosh, Martha, what happened?" She said "Honey, I was making myself
look all pretty for you and I was looking in the mirror behind the door,
and I said to it, 'Mirror, mirror on the wall, make my tits size 44', and
BOOM, look at the size of these suckers!" The fellow was just overwhelmed.
He ran upstairs, jumped into the shower, combed his hair, stood there look-
ing at himself and his little thing hanging there. He said to the mirror,
"Mirror, mirror on the door, make my dick touch the floor," and BOOM! His
legs blew off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There's a new sitcom directed especially at gays.
It's called: "Leave It, It's Beaver"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does a young Indian do if he has no date to take to the war party?
A: Beat his tom-tom.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many WASP's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two - one to call an electrician while the other mixes martinis.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two old Jewish men were sitting on a park bench when an attractive woman
jogger trotted by. "Oyvey! Would I like to screw her," said the first old
man. The other looked too, and said, "Outta what?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a Pole who was stranded at sea. He saw a bottle floating and picked
it up. When he opened it, a Genie popped out, "I have been trapped in that
bottle for a thousand years! I will grant you three wishes for freeing me!"
The Pole considered it and requested, "I would like to have the Mongol hoards
come out of the East and sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw." The genie con-
sidered it, and clapped his hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My
second wish is to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and sack,
pillage and destroy Warsaw." The Genie looked puzzled, but clapped his
hands. "It is done," he said. The Pole said, "My third wish is..." The
Genie cut him off, "...to have the Mongol hoards come out of the East and
sack, pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Yes," agreed the pole. The Genie clapped
his hands, and said, "It is done. I am now free to leave, but I must know
before I go. Why did you want the Mongol hoards to come out of the East and
sack pillage and destroy Warsaw?" "Because," said the Pole, "In order for
the Mongol hoards to come out of the East three times and sack pillage and
destroy Warsaw, they'd have to cross Russia SIX times!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What drove Helen Keller insane?
A: She tried to read a stucco wall.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you save a drowning baby?
A: Take your foot off his head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer, doctor and priest were on an airplane over the ocean. The plane
went down and the only survivors were those three. They started swimming
towards an island when sharks appeared. SNAP!!! The doctor was eaten.
SNAP!!! The priest was eaten. The lawyer made it to the island, and was
later picked up and returned to port. The press asked him why the sharks
ate the other two and not him. He replied, "Professional courtesy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a minister who found that he had grown away from his congrega-
tion. So, in an attempt to come closer to his parishioners, he decided to
visit each of them personally. At the home of one elderly widow he was
invited in, but asked to sit and wait while she finished preparing her
evening meal. As he sat, he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the side table
and he ate a few. Time passed and he ate a few more. He went over some
sermons in his mind and ate a few more peanuts. Suddenly, to his suprise,
he ralized that he had eaten all of the peanuts. When the woman returned
from the kitchen he began to appologize by saying that he was extremely
sorry and quite embarrassed, but in his hunger he had eaten all of her
peanuts. She replied by saying, "Don't worry reverend, since I lost my
false teeth all I can do is suck off the chocolate, anyway ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of 'gross'?
A: Eating a hot dog and finding out it has veins.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does a dog lick its balls?
A: Because he knows that in a minute he's going to lick your face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the Pope became very sick. All the cardinals are very concerned since
he looked like he would not last long. They called in a number of doctors and
none of them could help. Finally, they called for the best doctor in Rome,
who told them, "There is only one hope for him, but you are not going to
like it." The cardinals said, "Anything, tell us and we will do it!" So the
Doctor explained, "The only way that he will live is if he has sex with a
woman." A gasp went up from the cardinals and then a murmuring. But they
agreed to tell the Pope. They explained the situation and the Pope (he was
Italian) said, "Wella, thera musta be three condiziones. Firsta, she musta
be blind so she canna see nothing." The cardinals nodded in agreement.
"Nexta," the Pope continued, "she musta be deff so she canna hear nothing."
They all agreed and said, "And what, Your Holiness, is the third condition?"
"The thirda condizione," said the Pope, "isa thata she musta have biga tits."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three guys, an Italian, a Jew and a Polack, just died and were being judged
as to their worthiness of entering the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said that
they were all equally bad, so the ones that proved themselves in a test of
faith would get in. He told each of them he will lock them up in a room for
20 years. When he came back, whatever they'd done for him is what they get
judged by. So, he told the Italian, "I'm going to put you in this room with
one thing of your choice, what will that be?" The Italian guy tells him, "I
wanna me a woman". And so it is done. St. Peter then turned to the Jew and
asked him the same thing. The jewish guy wanted a telephone. And it was
done. Then St. Peter went to the Polack, who wanted a ciggarrette. And so
was done.
Twenty years passed, and St. Peter opens the Italian's room and there were
a dozen children running around and playing games and things. And he says,
"Looka, St. Pietro, I madea you a big family! Buona Sera!" St. Peter was
proud of this and smiled, and the pearly gates open for the Italian. Then
St. Peter went to the next door and there's the jewish guy with a load of
money all piled up. "Hey Pete, babe, I got ya all this cash, and this can
do some very good for the orphans down below. All the real estate and stock
marketing I've done, paid off. So do I get in or what, huh?" And St. Peter
said, "Well I guess I could fit you in, but I chose the Italian guy first.
You've done good, enter." And the Pearly Gates opened. Then St. Peter
moved down to the third room and the Polack was standing there with the
cigarrette and asked him "Can I have a light?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Little Mary went to sleep,
With one of little Mary's sheep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
Mary had a little lamb.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Chinese Population Explosion," by Wefuckem Yung
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and
promptly tossed cookies all over himself and the floor. The leper looked
hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings
and you could be a little sensitive about them." The bartender, wiping his
mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but
it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in
your neck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The owner of a travelling circus was down on his luck and close to bank-
ruptcy, when he decided that the only way to increase attendance was to find
a great act that couldn't be topped. Since his lion tamer had quit, he put an
ad in the local paper for a replacement, requesting that all applicants come
to the circus the next day to audition.
The following day, two individuals showed up, a regular-looking guy, and a
knockout woman with a body that wouldn't quit. "Lady's first," declared the
owner, as he handed a whip, gun and chair to the beauty. He opened the cage
door. As a lion entered the cage from the other side, the woman, threw the
gun and whip aside, stripped off all of her clothes, sat on the chair with
her legs spread and looked the lion straight in the eye. The lion, being
most impressed with the sight before him, buried his head between the woman's
thighs and 'went wild.' After 15 minutes, the lion backed away from her and,
totally exhausted, rolled on his side and passed out.
While watching this, the circus owner knew he had the money maker that he
needed and was rubbing his hands together, thinking of all of the money he
was going to make with his new act. Turning to the man beside him, he asked,
"Well, do you think you can top that?" To which the man replied, "You bet
your ass I can! Just get that fucking lion out of the cage ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between an anorexic hooker and a counterfeit bill?
A: One's a phoney buck - the other is a bony fuck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How did Helen Keller burn the side of her face?
A: Answering the iron.
Q: How did she burn the other side?
A: They called back.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends were standing around bragging about how great their pets were.
They each claimed their dog was the smartest. The Doctor turned to his dog
and said, "Go, Rover." Rover proceeded to cross to an operating table and do
a serious operation in spactacular fashion, including all major surgery and
stitching the wound closed. Upon completion of the surgery, Rover crossed to
the doctor who gave him some cookies. "Not bad," said the engineer, who
turned to his dog and said, "Go, Spot!" Where upon Spot crossed over to a
drafting table and, in five minutes, proceeded to knock out complete con-
struction blue prints for a 150 story office complex. When he was finished,
Spot crossed to the engineer, who gave him some cookies. The doctor and the
engineer turned expectantly to the lawyer, who shrugged. The lawyer turned to
his dog and said, "Okay Fido, they're finished." Where upon Fido pissed on
the plans, screwed both Rover and Spot, and stole their cookies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
During a picnic for upscale lawyers in Sausalito, Biff and Skippy had had an
ounce or two too much and decided to walk back into San Francisco. After
five minutes, each began to argue about whose dick was the longest. When
they reached the middle of the Golden Gate Bridge, they watched the water
flowing underneath and both were striken with a terrible urge to void their
bladders. "Ah," announced Biff as he stood at the rail, "That water is
COLD." "Yes," agreed Skippy, standing alongside him, "And it's deep too!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a Yankee and a Texan?
A: A Yankee will walk right up to a girl and stick it in, while a Texan will
stick it in and walk right up to her ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's black and white and red all over, and has trouble going through
revolving doors?
A: A nun with a spear through her throat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a young lady from Heath,
Who circumcised young men with her teeth,
She said with a grin,
"It's not for the skin,"
"But rather for the cheese underneath."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
A: Beef strokin'off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they get rid of all the dogs at the White House?
A: They were chasing the Quayles and peeing on the Bushes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lawyer was helping a poor old widow settle her husband's estate. Upon com-
pletion of the job, he charged her $100.00. She opened her purse, and took
out one of the few remaining contents - a one hundred dollar bill. After he
left the attorney discovered that the bill had another $100.00 bill stuck to
it. Immediately, the lawyer was faced with an ethical dilemma - whether or
not to tell his partner.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you recondition an aging hooker?
A: Shove a ten-pound ham up her and pull out the bone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The saintly old Bishop of Birmingham,
Fucked young boys while confirming'em.
With screeches and roars,
He'd rip down their drawers,
And whip his Episcopal worm in'em.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman walked into the main branch of the Chase Manhatten Bank
holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window
that she wished to take the $3,000,000 she had in the bag and open an
account with the bank. She said that first, however, she wished to meet
the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large amount of money
involved. The teller seemed to think that was a reasonable request and,
after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which
amounted to right around three million, telephoned the bank president's
secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted
upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made
and she stated that she would like to get to know the people she did busi-
ness with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how
she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked.
"No," she replied. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired.
"No," she answered. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of where
this elderly woman could have come into three million dollars. "I bet,"
she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied, "I bet people."
Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things
with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that 10 o'clock
tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she
must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know
how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful - he didn't
even have the traditional nooner with his secretary. He decided to stay home
that evening and take no chances; there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up
in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was
okay. There was no change in his crotchal appearance. He looked the same as
he always had. He went to work and waited for the old lady to come in at
10 o'clock, humming as he went. He know this would be a lucky day - how often
did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman
was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked
what the other man was doing in the office, she informed him that he was her
lawyer and she took him along when there was this much money involved.
"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this,"
he laughed, "but I'm the same as I've always been - only $25,000 richer."
The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for
herself. The president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers.
She instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough,
everything was fine. His balls were not square. The president then looked up
and saw her lawyer standing across the room banging his head against the
wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered, "I bet
him $100,000 that by 11 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase
Manhattan Bank by the balls."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After his annual physical, the sexually active bachelor was waiting in the
doctor's office for the results. "Well," said the doctor, "I have good news
and bad news for you." "The way I feel, please give me the good news first,"
replied the bachelor. "The good news," announced the doctor, "is that your
penis has grown an additional four inches since your last exam." "Great!"
the man shouted, "What is the bad news?" "It's malignant," replied the
doctor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know that if every single man, woman and child in China - all one
billion of them - were to hold hands together around the equator more than
half of them would drown?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two lesbians were walking through a park when they saw a naked man lying in
the grass. He was sporting a tremendous woodie. The first lesbian looked at
the second and said, "Hey, look, if we find another one of these we can play
horseshoes!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
NON-CURSE CURSE'S
May you have the nicest neighbors in all Sibera.
May your name be so famous that every bailiff, tax colector, cop and secret
agent know it.
May you grow so healthy, husky and fat, that it takes twenty years for the
worms to pick you clean.
May you fall in the outhouse just as a platoon of marines finishes a prune
stew and twelve barrels of beer.
May your possesions never tempt another to steal.
If it is holy to be poor, may you be a saint among saints.
Since poverty is no disgrace, may you never know shame.
May you learn the secret of life in every dream, then forget it each time
you awaken.
May you be invited to a banquet by the President and belch in his face.
May you sleep on a bed of 8,000 rusty nails while bedbugs eat you alive, so
that you toss and turn all night.
May your blood grow so healthy, your leecehs' leeches need leeches.
May you be bled dry by leeches, but enough blood should be left over for
the bedbugs, lice, and mosquitoes to have a good meal too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do computers like humans?
A: Because a human turns them on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young man from Rangoon,
Who's farts could be heard on the moon,
When you least would expect them,
They'd roar from his rectum,
With a sound like a double bassoon!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a trip to San Francisco, I dropped my wallet. Instead of picking it up,
I kicked it back across the bridge ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ernest, recently married, came home from work one day and discovered his
supposed friend, Frank, in bed with Ernest's wife. "What are you doing?"
yelled Ernest. "Listening to the radio," said Frank. "But I don't hear any
music," said Ernest. Frank's answer was prompt, "That's because you're not
plugged in like I am!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What color is a bee?
A: Yellow.
Q: How many wings does a bird have?
A: Two.
Q: How many teeth does a cat have?
A: I don't know.
That's you're problem: You know alot about the birds and the bees, but
you don't know anything about pussy ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mouse walkede into a pub, approached the bar, and sat on a stool. Looking
down the bar he spotted a beautiful giraffe. "Hey bartender," the mouse said,
"Send that cute giraffe at the end of the bar a drink on me". The bartender
replied, "Listen buddy, every eligible man in the bar has tried to hit on
that giraffe all night long. She just isn't interested. Save your money."
But the mouse insisted, "Look pal, I know what I'm doing - just send the
lady a drink." Not wanting to start a fight, the bartender did as he was
told and, to his amazement, he noticed the mouse make eye contact with the
giraffe. The mouse moved down the bar and at on a stool next to the giraffe.
They began to talk, and pretty soon they left the bar together. The next day,
in walked the mouse, his clothes are a mess, his tail broken - he looked
just awful. The bartender exclaimed, "Jesus Christ mouse! What the hell
happened to you? You look like a drowned rat!" The mouse mumbled, "Well I'll
tell ya' pal, between smoochin' and fuckin' I must have run a thousand miles
last night ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A homosexual walked into a bar and said to the bartender,in a rather feminine
voice, "Where is everyone?" The bartender turns to the gay with a scowl and
said, "Out back hanging a fag." Suddenly, in a very deep masculine voice,
the gay replied, "No shit!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
While driving through a small town in Old Mexico, an American tourist blew
out a tire. It was during the siesta, so when he arrived at the gas station
a sign hanging in the door announced that the station was "Closed, come back
soon!" The tourist looked behind the station and saw a Mexican sleeping in
the shade of his burro. The sleeping Mexican being the only sign of life in
the small town, the tourist walked over to him. "Pardon me!" said the tourist
in typically tactful tourist fashion. Without even lifting his hat the little
Mexican said, "It's siesta time senor." "What time is this siesta over?"
demanded the tourist. The Mexican said, "At two o'clock, senor." Starting to
turn red, the tourist stammered, "And would you know what time it is NOW?"
So the Mexican lifted his hat, looked at the Burro, puts his hand under it's
balls, lifted slightly, and said, "Itz 1:30 senor." "You tell the time of day
by holding that ass's balls in your hand?" the amazed tourist replied.
"No senor - the balls was in the way of the clock on the station's wall ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're a redneck if ...
... The primary color of your car is bondo.
... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth.
... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before
telling the state trooper to kiss her ass!
... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the
wheels off.
... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d'oeuvre.
... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
... Less than half the cars you own run.
... Directions to you house include "turn off the paved road".
... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive
tounge gestures.
... Your family tree does not fork.
... Your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
... You've ever hollered, "Rock the house, Bubba" during a piano recital.
... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school
sports event.
... You've ever BBQ'd Spam on the grill.
... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the
... Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
... You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
... You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
opening on the lube rack.
... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug.
... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
... You think Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
... You've ever been too drunk to fish.
... You have a rag for a gas cap.
... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the smelliest thing in the world?
A: An anchovy's pussy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the two words you don't want to hear when you're standing at a
public urinal?
A: "Nice dick."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will blow your bonus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the most crooked thing in the world?
A: A fart - it's pointed at your feet, but hits you in the nose.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Bus Driver began his route in the usual way one morning, although the
turnout was quite unique, here is his story: His bus was named the 'Sesame
Street Bus' - possibly after the street he lived on or from another source
somewhere in his youth. His first passengers for the day were two passen-
gers named Patty and Patty; yes, they were twins, and they were quite heavy.
The next stop was Mr. Bus Driver's favorite as Ross got on and said hello.
Though Ross was slow, he was a nice enough fellow. A new fellow who the
driver hadn't met before was introduced at the third stop (for the driver
as Lester Chin. Lester had a slight foot problem and after he got on the
bus, he proceded to remove his shoes and pick at the corns on his feet -
which the bus driver ignored, possibly because he was pretty disgusted.
It was near the end of the route, and the passengers were getting ready
to disembark, when Mr. Bus Driver pulled up alongside a fellow busdriver.
"What have you got today?" the other bus driver asked. Mr. Bus Driver
answered, "Two obese Pattys, special Ross, and Lester Chin picking bunyons
on the Sesame Street bus ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"HEL-L-LP!" the scream came from the bedroom. The man of the house ran to
see what was the matter. Just as he entered his bedroom, he saw a guy leap-
ing leaping out the window. His wife cried, "That guy just fucked me twice!"
"Twice?" the husband wondered, "Why didn't you call me in after he fucked
you the first time?" "Because," she replied "I thought it was you until he
started for the second time ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The newfie went to the zoo to feed the monkies. He threw a monkey a peanut.
The monkey picked up the peanut, stuck it in his ass, pulled it out, and
ate it. The newfie thought this was rather unusual, so he threw the monkey
another peanut. The monkey again picked up the peanut, stuck it in ass,
pulled it out, and ate it. The newfie laughed as told the zookeeper, "Ooh-
boy, that's one stupid monkey!" The zookeeper watched the monkey's routine
and replied, "No, that's a very smart monkey. Last week someone threw him a
big peach and he ate it whole. He couldn't pass the pit, so now he measures
everything first!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tarzan was swinging through the jungle. He swooped down into a clearing and
where a beautiful girl was standing. "Me Tarzan! Who you?" he grunted.
"Jane," the beautiful girl cooed. "What whole name?" Tarzan demanded.
Embarasssed, she replied, "Cunt."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not long after his marriage, Ernie Junior and his father, Dirty Ernie senior,
met for lunch. "Well son," asked Ernie senior, "How is married life treating
you?" "Not very well, I'm afraid," sighed junior, "It seems I married a nun."
"A nun?" his father questioned. "That's right," moaned Ernie junior, "None
in the morning, none at night, and none at all unless I beg!" Dirty Ernie
senior nodded knowingly and slapped his boy on the back a couple of times.
"Why don't we all get together for dinner tonight and have a nice talk?"
Young Ernie smiled, "Say, Dad, that's a great idea!" "Fine," replied Ernie
senior, "I'll call home and tell the Mother Superior to set two extra
plates."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stopping at the first house on his famous ride, Paul Revere cried, "Is your
husband home?" "Yes!" replied the woman. "Then tell him to get dressed so he
can fight the British!" At the second, third and fourth houses he asked the
same question, and got the same answer, and left the same instructions. At
the fifth house he shouted, "Is your husband home?" "No!" came the reply,
"He'll be gone all week." "Whoa-a-a!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the aggie that was fired from the M&M factory? He kept
throwing out the W's ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl comes walking out of the bathroom and saw her mother making
a cake. She said, "Mommy, can I lick the bowl?" Her mother replied, "Can't
you just flush it like everyone else?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #3
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are women like landfills?
A: Because it's a great place for a guy to dump his load.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a whale and an Italian grandmother?
A: Ten pounds and a black dress.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should you stick a baby in a blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of gross?
A: Two siamese twins connected by the mouth and one throwing up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was testing her class's ability to taste by giving them life-
savers. First, she gave them all red ones and their hands went up, "Cherry!"
"Very good," said the teacher. Next she gave them a white one and they
thought about it and finally one kid said, "Peppermint?" "Excellent," said
the teacher. Finally she gave them honey-flavored brown ones. They tasted
the lifesaver, but could not name the flavor. "I'll give you a clue, it's
something that your mommy calls your daddy." Suddenly Dirty Ernie shouted,
"Quick, spit them out! They're assholes!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The night was dark,
The sky was blue,
Down the alley the turd wagon flew!
A bump was hit, a scream was heard,
A man was killed by a flying turd!
Upon his tomb was plainly writ:
This Man Was Killed by Flying Shit!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend is having an orgasm?
A: Real men don't care.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is being in the service like getting a blow job?
A: The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if a woman is wearing panty hose?
A: Her ankles swell up when she farts.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the function of a woman?
A: Life-support system for a pussy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Hole in the Mattress," by Mr. Completely.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a woman complained to her doctor that she and her husband
never had sex anymore. So the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and told her
to put them in his drink and she would be 'satisfied.' The woman, somewhat
disbelievingly, put one pill in his coffee that evening. That night they made
out ... The next morning, she put two in his coffee, and that night they
really got it on ... The next day, she said 'what the hell,' and put the
entire bottle in ... A few days later, the doctor called to check on her
progress. The woman's son answered the phone. When the doctor asked how she
was doing, the son replied, "Mom's dead; sis is pregnant; my asshole hurts,
and Dad is out naked on the front lawn yelling 'Here kitty, kitty.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a teacher was testing the students' intelligence. "Okay class, I
have something behind my back which is rectangular, small and black. What
is it," she asked. "A chalkboard eraser," the class responded. "Yes, very
good. That shows you're thinking. Now, I've got something else behind my back
which is larger than the eraser, rectangular, and made of paper." "A book,"
said one small boy. "Very good Johnny, that shows you're thinking." Then
Dirty Ernie jumped to his feet, stuck his hand in his pocket and said, "I've
got something in my hand which is long, stiff, and has a bright pink tip!"
"Ernie! You dirty little boy," shrieked the teacher. Said Ernie: "Naw,
it's just my pencil, but it shows you're thinking!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's red, hot, juicy, stinks and has hair on it?
A: A dead skunk on a hot highway.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's grosser than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
A: Pulling it off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's pink and red and hangs from the phone line?
A: A baby that was hit by a snowblower.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's grosser than running over a baby with a semi?
A: Picking it out of the grooves on the tires.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little boy was peeking at his sister through the window while she
peed. He noticed she farted as she peed. That evening he asked his dad, "Why
does sis fart when she pees?" To which his dad replied, "Well, ya see women
aren't like us, they can't shake theirs off, so they have to blow dry them-
selves."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you know when your sister is on her period?
A: Your father's dick tastes funny.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a dog with no legs?
A: You don't bother calling him, he won't come any way.
But, when I was a kid, we had a dog with no legs. His name was 'Cigarette.'
Every afternoon we took him out for a drag ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of confusion?
A: 200 blind lesbians at a fish market.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A proper business man met a beautiful chorus girl, who agreed to spend the
night with him for a fee of $500. When he was ready to leave, he told her he
did not have the cash with him, but he would have his secretary mail her a
check calling it, "Rent for Apartment." On his way to the office he decided
that the whole thing was not worth the price he had agreed to pay, so he
decided to send her a check for $250.00 for rent of her apartment, along
with a note:
I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied
2. There would be plenty of heat
3. It was a small apartment
Last night I found it had been occupied
and there was not any heat; also, it was
entirely too large.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250
with the following note:
Dear Sir:
1. I can not understand how you expected
such a beautiful apartment to remain
unoccupied.
2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it -
if only you knew how to turn it on.
3. As for the size of it, it was not my
fault you didn't have enough furniture
to fill my apartment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A preacher stopped at the butcher shop one afternoon to get some meat for
the evening meal. He said to the butcher, "May I have a pound of ham,
please." The butcher said, "OK, Reverend, a pound of Dam Ham." The preacher
became upset and questioned the butcher as to why a church going man would
speak to a man of the cloth like that. The butcher said, "I'm sorry Reverend,
you misunderstood. That is the name of the product, 'Dam Ham.'" With that,
appologies were made and off the preacher went.
When he got home, the preacher said, "I'm home dear - and I brought the Dam
Ham." She looked at him like he had gone crazy, but he explained that was
the name of the ham.
At dinner that evening, the family gathered at the table and heads were
bowed for the blessing. Upon the word 'Amen,' all looked up and the preacher
said, "Well dear, how about passing me some of that Dam Ham." With that,
Junior, who had not eaten all day, said, "And how about passing some of them
fucking potatoes?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many Teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Fifteen; you got a problem with that?
Q: When will I have light?
A: When we're damn good and ready!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None of your fucking business.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl went to her doctor and asked, "Doctor, is it possible to get pregnant
through anal intercourse?" The doctor replied, "Yes, my dear, where do you
think lawyers come from?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about Hellen Keller? She fell down a well and broke three fin-
gers yelling for help.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The three biggest lies Mexican men tell:
Yo mando aqui! = I'm the boss in this house.
Horita bengo. = I'll be right back.
Nomas la cabesita. = Just the head.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Ethiopian with a feather up his ass?
A: A dart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy opened up a new bar, but he couldn't think of a name for it, so one
of his friends suggested that he name the bar after the first lady to walk
in. "Good idea," replied the proud owner. Later that day a young lady, wear-
ing a small, tight mini-skirt that revealed velvety, tanned legs, walked
in and applied for a job as a cocktail waitress. The owner said she had a
job if she would let him name the bar after her. And so it was that the bar
became known as 'Judith's Legs.' A few weeks later two bums were loitering
outside the bar. A cop came by and asked the bums what they were doing.
One of the bums relied, "I'm waiting for 'Judith's Legs' to open so I can
get a drink ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's worse than a guitar string breaking in the middle of a tune?
A: Having an organ go flat on you in the middle of a piece.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a man from Tennessee was pulled over for speeding. While the
officer was writing a citation, he noticed the makings of a moonshine still
in the back seat. As he slapped the cuffs on the driver, the cop recited,
"You're under arrest for a Section 1301 - Posession of Moonshine Equipment."
"Wail hail," drawled the driver, "ya'll might as well arrest me foh rape -
Ah got all thuh right equipment foh thut too!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kid: "Mommy, mommy, I don't want hamburgers!"
Mommy: "Shut up and put your hand back in the meat grinder!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
During Jesus' crucifixion, a mob of angry people gathered at the base of the
hill that his cross sat on top of. The guards kept all of them back, includ-
ing his disciples. Jesus raised his head up and called "John! John! come to
me!" John fought his way bravely through the angry mob and almost reached
the top of the hill when the guards caught him and hurled him back down. As
John lay on the earth, Jesus again called out to him, "John! Come to me!"
John bravely fought his way into the mob, up the hill and past the guards -
almost reaching the base of the cross. The guards again caught him and hurled
him back into the mob. "John! Come to me John! Come to me," Jesus cried. This
time nothing would stop him; John pushed his way through the crowd, fought
off the guards, and reached the cross that his Master was on. Then he
kneeled, "It is I Lord, John, what is it you wish?" Jesus looked at him
and smiled, "Look John, Look! I can see your house from up here!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a guy lost his dick in an auto accident. He went to the doctor to
get it replaced and the doctor pulled out a drawer with replacement dicks
in it. "Those look o.k.," the unfortunate victim said, "but as long I have
the opportunity, I want something a bit longer." "Sure," the Doc replied as
he pulled out another drawer. "Well," the guy said, "those are pretty hefty,
but what I had in mind was something truly spectacular!" The doctor grunted
and begrudgingly opened a third drawer. "Now you're talking, Doc. That's
exactly what I had in mind, but tell me, you got any in white?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a guy was sitting on a bus next to an old lady who was filling out
a crossword puzzle. Just when he thought the trip was getting boring when the
old lady leaned over and asked, "Excuse me, but can you help me with this
puzzle?" "Why sure," said the guy, "What do you need help with?" "I'm look-
ing for a word that describes what's on the bottom of a bird cage and ends
with 'it'," said the old lady. "That's easy, 'grit'," answered the guy.
"Oh, I see," said the old lady, "Can I borrow your eraser for a second?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the study the U.S. government did to discover why the
a man's penis has a head on it? It took them five years and five million
dollars to discover that it's there for a woman's satisfaction. After hear-
ing these results, the Canadian government did a study which took one year
and cost one million dollars. They discovered that the head of the penis is
there for the man's pleasure. After hearing this, the Polish government
spent twenty minutes and $1.49 to discover that men have a head on their
penii to keep their hands from sliding off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
University of Miami Hurricanes
Football Schedule
September 7 Pueblo Junior High School
September 14 Cub Scout Troop #101
September 21 Colorado State Blind Academy
October 5 Spanish American War Veterans
October 12 St. Jude's Ladies Knitting Circle
October 26 Denver's Home for Wayward Girls
November 2 Girl Scout Troop #69
November 9 Boulder VD Clinic
November 16 Colorado Springs Midget Academy
November 23 Korean War Amputees
November 30 Dallas Cowboys (Cheerleaders)
Monday Night Games
August 31 Kick-Off Classic Crippled Children's Home
December 17 Toilet Bowl Daughter's of the American Revolution
Rule Changes From Last Year
1) When playing polio victims, the Hurricanes cannot disconnect their braces
unless trailing by 10 points or more.
2) When playing scouts, the Hurricanes are not allowed to eat all of their
cookies.
3) When playing blind teams, the Hurricanes are not allowed to hide the foot-
ball under their jerseys.
4) When playing amputees, no protests allowed about players with one leg
being harder to tackle.
5) The Hurricanes will be allowed 27 men on the field at all times.
6) The Hurricanes will be allowed to substitute with band members and/or
cheerleaders at any time during the game.
7) The Hurricanes will be given a first down with each gain of three or more
yards.
Rules Same As Last Year
A touchdown, for those Hurricanes who can count that high, is still six
points.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day three school boys were discussing which way you enter heaven first.
The first boy said, "You enter with your hands first because you're praying
to God as you go up." The second one argued, "No, no. You enter with your
head first because you're thinking about God and God is in your mind." The
third one retorted, "No, no, no. You enter with your feet first." Puzzled,
the other two boys inquired, "Feet first? How do you figure that?" To which
the boy replied, "Well, the other morning I walked in on mommy and daddy,
and mommy had her feet way up in the air as she was screaming, 'Oh God, I'm
coming!'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A: A german shepard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the difference between Robin Givens and a backpacker?
A: One pulls a muscle on a hike, the other pulls a hussle on a Mike.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what a woman says after good sex?
(pause for negative answer)
A: I didn't think so!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Said Saddam, the Iraqi from Hell,
"By invading Kuwait I'll do well!"
Oh, he made such a rout,
But the ones who made out,
Were Texaco, Exxon and Shell.
(By Larry Firrantello)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A barber nicked a customer rather badly while giving him a shave. Hoping to
make amends, the barber asked, "Do you want your head wrapped in a towel?"
"No thanks," replied the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The golfer hit the ball and it slammed into a tree and came right back at
him. He doubled up in pain and as he was moaning and moaning a foursome of
nurses came by. One of the nurses ran over to him and said, "Here, let me
help you!" The golfer was so embarrassed that he protested he would be
alright soon. The nurse said, "But I know just what to do to help you stop
hurting." So she had him lie down and she proceeded to undo his belt and
zip down his pants. She took his penis in her hand and began to rub it and
after a little while she said, "There now. Doesn't that feel better?" The
golfer replied, "Yes, but my finger still hurts like hell!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What would you rather be: a light bulb or a bowling ball?
A: It depends on whether you'd rather be screwed or fingered.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many drunken Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: 101 - One to hold it and 100 to drink till the room spins around.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The joke is in your momma's mouth ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young couple were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As they
undressed for bed, the husband who was a big burly bruiser, tossed his pants
to his bride and said, "Here, put these on". She put them on, but the waist
was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants," she said. "That's
right," said the husband, "and don't you forget it. I'm the man who wears the
pants in this family!" With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try
these on." He tried them on but found that he could only get them on as far
as his kneecaps. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your pants." She said,
"That's right, and that's the way it's going to stay until your attitude
changes ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's worse than a joke about shit?
A: A joke about shit thats corny.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man got drunk one night, went home and crawled into bed with his wife.
Lying in bed, he let out a fart. "What the hell was that," his wife asked.
"I'm playing football," he said, "The score is 6-0." His wife thought
(Okay, you smart ass. I'll show you) and she let loose a fart of her own.
"I'm playing too," she said. "The score's 6-6 now." The man laughed and
tried to work up a real blaster but, to his dismay, he shit in the bed
instead. "Halftime," he said. "We change sides."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The fireman told his wife, "From now on we're going to do things right - by
the bells, like we do it at the firehouse. When I ring one bell, you meet me
at the door with a kiss. Two bells means you head for the bedroom. Three
bells means you undress. Four bells means you jump into bed and do what
women do best." Things go according to plan, except the wife picked up the
bell while they were in the sack one night and rang it five times. "What
the hell does that mean," the fireman asked. The wife replied, "That means
reel out more hose, you aren't close enough to the fire."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anal Sex: The man in the moon.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
More fine literature:
"V.D." (Dick Hertz)
"Treasue in the Outhouse" (I. P. Gold)
"Male Anatomy" (Hugh G. Rection)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are camels called 'The ships of the desert'?
A: Because they are full of Iraqi semen!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BIRTH OF A CANDY BAR
One PAYDAY, MR. PEANUT wanted a BIT O'HONEY, so he took MARY JANE behind
the POWERHOUSE on the corner of CLARK and FIFTH AVE. He began to feel her
MOUNDS. It was pure ALMOND JOY. It made her TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a
SNICKER as his BUTTERFINGER went up her JUICYFRUIT and caused a MILKY WAY.
She screamed "OH HENRY!" as she squeezed his PETER PAUL and ZAGNUTS. MARY
JANE said, "You are even better than the THREE MUSKETEERS." Soon she was a
bit CHUNKY and nine months later had a BABY RUTH.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One fine day in the summer of 1980, a Polish architect gathered thousands
and thousands of Polish steelworkers, carpenters, etc. and said to them,
"We have to do something about the way the world looks at Poland! We should
build the biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other, then they will
respect us, so go to it ... for Poland!" So the inspired laborers went off
and come back 10 years later. The foreman announced, "We have built the
biggest bridge in the world, bigger than any other!" The architect of the
idea asked, "Well where is it, across the Atlantic?"
"No, not quite that big."
"Across the Mediterranean?"
"No, not there either."
"Then where the hell is it!?"
"It is in the middle of the Sahara desert," said the foreman proudly.
"What?", said the archtitect in disbelief. "Quick, take it down before
someone sees it. Blow it up if you have to!"
So the foreman left. Soon he came back and said, "We can't."
"Why not?" is the replied the angry architect.
"Because," explained the foreman, "there are 500 Italians fishing off of
it!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO TELL IF YOU ARE TURNING REPUBLICAN
(By Dave Barry)
The Republicans have a high Beady-eyed, self-righteous, scary, borderline loon
quotient, as evidenced by Phyllis Schlafly, Pat Robertson, and the entire
state of Utah, etc. It's very common for people reaching middle age to turn
into Republicans. It can happen overnight. You go to bed as your regular old
T-shirt-wearing self, and you wake up the next morning with Ralph Lauren
clothing and friends named "Muffy". Here are some other signs to watch for:
-- You find yourself judging political candidates solely on the
basis of whether or not they'd raise your taxes. "Well", you
say, "He *was* convicted in those machete slaying, but at least
he won't raise my taxes."
-- You start clapping wrong to music. This is something I've noticed
about Republicans at the conventions. The band will start playing
something vaguely upbeat - a real GOB rocker such as "Bad, Bad
Leroy Brown" - and the delegates will decide to get funky and
clap along, and it immediately becomes clear that they all suffer
from a tragic Rhythm Deficiency, possibly caused by years of
dancing the Bunny Hop to bands with names like "Leon Wudge and
His Sounds of Clinical Depression." To determine whether Repub-
lican Rhythm Impairment is afflicting you, you should take the
Ray Charles Clapping Test. All you do is hum the song "Hit the
Road Jack" and clap along. A rhythmically normal person will
clap as follows: "Hit the road, (clap, clap)." (By the way, if
you don't even *know* the song "Hit the Road Jack," then not
only are you a Republican, but you might even be Cabinet
material.)
I'll tell you what's weird. Not only is our generation turning into Repub-
licans, but we also have a whole generation coming after us that's starting
*out* as Republicans. With the exception of a few dozen spittle-emitting
radicals I saw at the 1988 Democratic convention in Atlanta, the younger
generations today are already so conservative they make William F. Buckley
Jr. look like Ho Chi Minh. What I'm wondering is, what will they be like
when they are our age? Will they, too, change their political philosophy?
Will millions of young urban professionals turn 40 and all of a sudden start
turning into left-wing anti-establishment hippies, smoking pot on the
racquetball court and putting Che Guevara posters up in the conference room
and pasting flower decals all over their cellular telephone? It will be an
exciting time to look forward to. I plan to be dead.
("Dave Berry Turns 40")
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for
help. He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was
sporting a ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was
any cure for this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled,
soaked a cloth in alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The
sailor looked down and saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the
doctor and ran off to catch his ship. A few months later, another sailor
came to the doctor and said to him: "A few months back, my buddy came here
with a ring around his dick, and he said you just rubbed it three times and
he was cured. Well, I have a similar problem ..." The sailor pulled down
his pants and showed off his dick, which was sporting an emerald green ring
around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached into a pocket, took out a large
knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's dick. "What did you do that
for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had lipstick around his
dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night an elderly couple was sitting on the front porch in their rocking
chairs. All of a sudden, the old woman leaned over and knocked the crap out
of the old man. The old man, laying on the ground asked, "What was that for?"
The old woman answered, "That's for having such a small sex organ all these
years." So the old man got back on his rocker again. After a few minutes the
old man leaned over and knocked the crap out of the old lady. The old lady
said, "What the heck was that for?" The old man replied, "For knowing the
damn difference."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't mexicans have checking accounts?
A: It's hard to spray paint your name on that little line.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out
he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a
twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined
the doctor shoved the muffin, the twinkie, and finally the cookie up the
guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it
was part of the therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every
time the doctor shoved a muffin, a twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally,
after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a
twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the
doctor shoved only the muffin and the twinkie up the patient's ass. After a
few minutes the tapeworm appeared out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's
my cookie!?"
WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEDICAL TERMS FOR THE LAYMAN, KENTUCKY STYLE
Artery................... The study of fine pictures.
Barium................... What you do when the C.P.R. fails.
Cesarean Section......... A business district in Rome, Italy.
Colic.................... A type of sheep dog.
Coma..................... A punctuation mark.
Congenital............... Friendly.
Dilate................... To live longer.
Fester................... Quicker.
G.I. Series.............. A baseball game between teams of soldiers.
Grippe................... A suitcase.
Hangnail................. A coat hook.
Medical Staff............ A doctor's walkin cane.
Minor Operation.......... Coal digging.
Morbid................... A higher offer.
Nitrate.................. A lower bid than the day rate.
Node..................... Was aware of it.
Organic.................. A church musician.
Orgasm................... Japanese art of folding paper.
Outpatient............... A person who has fainted.
Post-Operative........... A letter carrier.
Protein.................. In favor of young people.
Secretion................ Hiding anything.
Serology................. Study of English Knighthood.
Tablet................... A small table.
Tumor.................... An extra pair.
Urine.................... Opposite of Your Out.
Varicose Veins........... Veins which are very close together.
Benign................... What you are after you are eight.
It is important as an med student in Kentucky to remember the four basic
rules:
1) Speak slow with small words.
2) Place a rolled up tissue in your lip so your speech pattern resembles
someone from Kentucky.
3) A hillbilly male is not commotose, that is just their normal lifestyle.
4) A young Kentucky girl is not a virgin unless she has no brothers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear that Ronald McDonald was arrested?
A: He tried to stick his big mac in Wendy's hot and juicy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A polish guy walked into a store and said to the clerk, "I would like to buy
a pound of kielbasa." "You must be polish," the clerk replied. The polish
guy, getting a little irritated, responded, "Why do you say that? If I
ordered pasta would you say I was Italian?" "No," said the clerk. "If I
ordered matzoh ball soup, would you say I was jewish?" "No," said the clerk.
"If I ordered a crossaint, would you say I was french?" "No," said the clerk.
"Then what makes you think I'm polish?" "Because this is a hardware store."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A police man pulls over a jewish man driving on the freeway and said "Mister,
did you know your wife fell out of the car half a mile back?" The jewish man
said, "Thank god, for a moment there, I thought I was going deaf!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many fraternity guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Frat guys don't screw in lightbulbs - they screw in pools of their own
vomit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a gay rodeo and a straight rodeo?
A: In a straight rodeo they yell, "Ride that sucker!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is long and pink and drags the ocean floor?
A: Moby's dick.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I know a guy so dumb, he thinks 'innuendo' is an Italian suppository.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the possum cross the road?
A: I don't know, haven't seen one make it yet.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To prove to the possum that it could be done.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Saddam Hussien were to pull out of Kuwait right now, it would be an
example of Kuwaitus Interruptus.
He would still be put in jail for Saddamizing Kuwait.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex is better than logic but I can't prove it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by
dressing exactly alike.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Old Mother Hubbard,
Went to the cupboard,
To get her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over,
Rover drove her,
Because Rover had a bone of his own!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bigamy is one wife too many.
Monogamy is the same thing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why a man would want to marry one wife is a mystery.
Marrying two is a bigamystery.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
USEFUL PHRASES TO KNOW
WHEN TRAVELING IN
MOSLEM AREAS
"Akbar khali-kili haftir lotfan" = (Thank you for showing me your marvelous
gun)
"Fekr gabul cardan davat paeh gush divar" = (I am delighted to accept your
kind invitation to lie down on the floor with my
arms above my head and my legs apart)
"Shomaeh fekr tamomeh oeh gofteh bande" = (I agree with everything you have
ever said or thought in your life)
"Auto arraregh davateman mano sepheh-hast" = (It is exceptionally kind of you
to allow me to travel in the trunk of your car)
"Khrel jepaheh maneh vajateii amrikahey" = (I will tell you the names and
addresses of many American spies traveling as
reporters)
"Balli, balli, balli!" = (Whatever you say!)
"Maternier ghermez ahlieh, ghorban" = (The red blindfold would be lovely,
excellency)
"Tikeh nuneh ba ob khrelleh bezorg va khrube boyast ino begeram" = (The
water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank
you. I must have the recipe)
"Fashaleh tupeman na degat mano goftan cheeshayeh mohemara jebehkeshv
arehman" = (If you will do me the kindness of not harming my
genital appendages I will gladly reciprocate by
betraying my country in public.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two inhabitants of hell were taking a walk when a frigid breeze blew by.
Then a storm dumped several inches of snow. The men looked around in amaze-
ment. "What's going on?" one asked. "Only thing I can figure," replied his
companion, "is that the Cubs just won the World Series."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pair of martians landed on a country road on Earth in the middle of the
night. "Where are we?" one martian asked. "I think we're in a cemetary,"
replied the other, "Look at the gravestone over there - that man lived to
be 108." "What's his name?" "Miles from Omaha."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Oh, what a lovely cow!" exclaimed the young woman from the city. "But why
doesn't it have any horns?" "There are many reasons," said the farmer. "Some
cows don't have them until later in life. Others have them removed, while
other breeds are born without them. This cow doesn't have any horns because
it's a horse."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Ernie was sitting in school, in Oklahoma, on a reservation. It was the
last day of school. The teacher said, "I will ask questions, and when you
give me the right answer you can go home for the summer." The first question
she asked was, "Who was the first president of the U.S.?" Ernie knew, and
raised his hand, but the teacher called on a little indian girl. The girl
said, "George Washington," and went home. All day long Ernie knew the
answers, but the teacher kept calling on the indian children. Finally the
teacher asked, "Who is the current president of the U.S.?" Ernie raised his
hand. Again the teacher called upon an indian child. Fed up, Dirty Ernie
yelled out, "Where the hell did all these damn indians come from?" "Who said
that!" the teacher glared around the room. Ernie said "General Custer at
Little Big Horn - I'm going home!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do we know that a greek designed the female body?
A: Who else would put the snack bar right next to the shit house?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a trampoline and a lawyer?
A: You take your boots off before you jump on a trampoline.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You know you're a redneck if:
Your Truck has curtains, but your house doesn't.
Your porch collapses, and it kills more than seven dogs.
Every car you've ever owned is in your backyard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Whats the -height- of nerve?
A. Shitting on someone's doorstep, then ringing the bell and asking for
toilet paper.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a pod of whales in the water. One whale spotted a boat. He said
to his buddy, "That's the boat that killed Moby Dick!" "You know," said the
other whale, "I know how we can get back at them ... All we do is swim down
deep and come up under them and give them a good blow of water!" So the
whales went deep down into the water, came up under the ship, and gave a
good blow. The ship went up in the air and came crashing down - making the
sailors fall into the water. The first whale said to the second, "Now we can
eat the sailors!" The second whale replied, "Look, I don't mind giving a good
blow, but I refuse to eat sea men!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How do you circumsize a whale?
A. Send down four skindivers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A: What is the difference between Ted Kennedy and the Iraqi elite Republican
Guard?
A: Ted Kennedy killed an American.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Speaking of Dan Quayle, did you hear about the tragedy in Washington the
other day? There was a power failure and poor VP Quayle was stuck on an
escalator for over two hours.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Regarding the abortion controversy, someone once asked Quayle his opinion
of Rowe vs. Wade. He replied that it depended on how deep the water was.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a man who had a very well developed liking for beans (green
beans, wax beans, kidney beans, limas - it didn't matter which, he liked
them all). He would go out of his way to get a good bowl of beans. There
came a day, however, when he had to forsake his beloved beans for his only
other love - the girl he was to marry. He did without his beans for several
years. Then, one day, which happened to be his birthday, he was walking home
from work when he passed a small roadside cafe which was having a special
on ... baked beans! "Since it's my birthday," he thought, "I deserve a
special present. I'll have enough time to get rid of the after effects
before I get home, so I'll treat myself to a steaming bowl of those beans!"
So he went in and had bowl, after bowl, after bowl of them. He then pro-
ceeded to lay a noxious vapor trail all the way home. When he arrived at
home, his wife met him outside the door with a blindfold, saying, "I don't
want you to see your surprise." After blindfolding him, she led him into
the dining room, seated him at the table and left, saying, "I have to get
the rest of your surprise." While she was gone, he felt the urge to get
rid of some of the tremendous pressure that was building up, so he lifted
one leg to get some relief. He didn't get enough leverage, so he lifted
the other leg, and proceeded to rip a prolonged, and very wet, fart. Soon
he heard his wife returning, so he straightened his pants legs, waved the
air, and settled himself. When his wife returned, she removed his blind-
fold to reveal a melted birthday cake and his friends passed out around
the table.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's he smartest kind of bee?
A: A spelling bee.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What kind of bugs live on the moon?
A: Luna ticks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The sign in front of a New Hampshire church proclaimed, "If you're tired of
sin, come in." Underneath it someone had scrawled in lipstick, "If you're
not, call Marie at 624-8971."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two rich young women, Tina and Buffy, were watching a TV show about the
French Revolution. "There's one thing that puzzles me," Buffy said, "If
they were so poor, how could they afford all of that antique furniture?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is the gun on welfare?
A: It got fired.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do young cows eat?
A: At the Calf-eteria.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do cows go after they get married?
A: On a honey-moo.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A bum walked into a bar and sat down next to a drunk who was studying some-
thing in his hand. The bum leaned closer as the drunk held the object up to
the light. "Well, it looks like plastic," the drunk said. Then he rolled it
around in his fingers and added, "And it feels like rubber." Curious, the
bum asked, "What do you have there?" The drunk shook his head. "Damned if
I know. It looks like plastic and feels like rubber." The bum said, "Let
me take a look." He examined it, rolled it between his fingers and said,
"Yeah, you're right. It does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I
don't know what it is. Where did you get it?" The drunk replied, "Out of
my nose."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so fat and ugly that she got on the scale and a card came out
reading, "One at a time!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a lawyer that is sitting on the grass?
A: Fertilizer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What can you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Recycle them into a tire and call it a GOOD-YEAR.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two clams named Sam and Thelma Clam were basking in the surf, when a dune
buggy ran over them and killed them both. So they went up to Clam Heaven
and St. Peter Clam said, "Thelma you've been a good clam so here's your
wings, and a harp, and you can go into Heaven, but Sam, you've been a bad
clam: drinkin, carousing, carryin on, and hanging out with squids and lob-
sters, so you have to go to Hell!" Well Sam , being industrious went down
below and opened up a Clam Discotheque. Was doing very well thank you -
lots of young clams etc. After a couple of months, Thelma started to get
lonely. She approached St. Peter Clam and asked if she could visit Sam.
Pete replied, "Okay, but be sure to take your Harp, that's kinda your
passport back and forth - and make sure you come back in a week!" So
Thelma spent a week with Sam at his discotheque. They had a great time,
partying all night long. When she arrived back at the pearly gates, she
was greeted by St. Peter Clam who said, "Thelma, you look terrible -
you're all tired, your halo is crooked and where's your harp? She replied,
"Oh, No! I left my harp in Sam Clam's Disco ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A missionary in a remote jungle outpost found himself face to face with a
ferocious lion. Knowing he was doomed for certain, he kneeled down and said
his prayers. To his astonishment, the lion too kneeled quietly. "Praise God!
This is a miracle!" the joyous missionary shouted. "Quiet!" growled the lion,
"I'm saying grace ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The elderly woman accidentally dropped her handkerchief as she put some
coins into the beggar's cup. He gallantly stooped to pick it up. "Why you're
not blind!" she exclaimed. "No," he said, "I'm working for my brother. It's
his day off."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is,
I get a different answer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Years ago, when he was managing the last-place New York Mets, Casey Stengel
was approached by an excited scout. "Listen, I just saw a guy who struck out
27 batters. No one even hit the ball until there was two out in the ninth,
and he only hit a foul. Should I sign the pitcher?" "Forget the pitcher,"
Casey replied, "Get the guy who hit the foul! We need hitters ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman seated at the movies was surprised to find, sitting in the two
adjacent seats, a man with his arm around a sheep dog. All through the
movie, she noticed the dog watching the picture with apparent understanding
- snarling when the villain appeared, yelping happily at the funny parts. At
the end of the movie, she tapped the man on the shoulder. "I just can't get
over how much your dog enjoyed the movie," she said. "It surprises me too,"
the man answered, "He absolutely despised the book."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The man at the bar casually leaned over and asked a woman passing by,
"Excuse me, miss, do you have the time?" "What?" she said loudly, "How dare
you proposition me!" Noticing that every eye in the place turned toward him,
the man mumbled, "I just asked the time, miss." "I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF
YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!" she shrieked, even louder this time. Mortally
embarrassed, the man slunk off to a corner of the bar. A few minutes later,
the young woman approached him with an apology. "You'll have to excuse me,"
she said. "I'm writing a doctoral thesis on the response of human beings to
sudden shocking statements." The man looked at her curiously, then said in
his loudest voice, "YOU'LL DO ALL THAT, ALL NIGHT, FOR JUST TEN DOLLARS?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #4
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three college students shared an apartment. Every night one of the guys
would go out and get drunk, come home at 2:00 AM, and puke in the kitchen
sink. The other two guys were getting plenty upset so they decided to play
a joke on him. They went to the butcher shop and asked for 2 pounds of
chicken guts. After the guy went out they poured the chicken guts in the
sink. That night, the third guy comes in precisely at 2:00 AM and starts
puking in the sink. After a few moments everything was quite. About an
hour later they heard the guy going to bed. The next morning he told the
other two guys what had happened: "I gotta quit drinking. This morning I
came in and puked my guts out. It took me an hour to get 'em all back in
again."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has four legs and one arm?
A: A very happy pitbull.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a lady was inside of an elevator and she had to fart really bad. She
thought to herself, 'What am I going to do if someone comes in and smells it.
I'm going to be so embarrassed.' Then she thought, 'If I spray this can of
pine air freshener no one will ever know what I did.' So she farted and one
floor later a biker stepped in and the lady said, "What does it smell like
in here?" The biker replied, "It smells like someone shit a Christmas tree."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On this farm there used to be a cat and a rooster, but the rooster and the
cat didn't get along very well. The cat was nosey about where the rooster
went everyday, but the rooster wouldn't tell him anything at all and this
made the cat mad. So one day the cat decided to follow the rooster to see
where it was he went everyday. He followed the rooster to a stream where
the rooster would jump across, but the cat was afraid of falling in. This
went on about a week and then the one day the rooster saw the cat follow
him and stop at the stream, too afraid to cross over. The rooster started
jumping back and fourth across the stream teasing the cat because he was
afraid to jump over. This made the cat very mad and he decided if the
rooster could do it then so could he. The cat got a running start and
jumped, but landed in the middle of the stream where he drowned. The
moral of this story is that for every happy cock there is a wet pussy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There men died and went to hell. Satan met them at the gates and said, "All
three of you weren't bad enough to go straight to Hell, so you get another
chance. If you can tell me something I can't do you can go to Heaven." The
first man said, "Make a car made of solid gold that runs on gasoline."
Satan did and the man went into Hell. The second man said, "Make a house
of solid silver." Satan did and the guy went into Hell. The last man was
a biker and he was laughing. Satan said, "How can you laugh when you are
at the gates of hell?" The biker stopped laughing, farted, and said, "Catch
it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a fox and a dog?
A: Five drinks.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's polish and has an IQ of 180?
A: A village.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Joe came hobbling in the club house with a 7 iron wrapped around his
neck. Of course everyone was curious as to what happened to poor ol' Joe.
Sam asked, "What happened to you?" In a raspy whisper, Joe told this tale
of woe:
I was teeing off on the 5th hole and I shagged my ball out into
this field of cows. I went over the fence and was looking for my
ball when this lady on the 12th tee shagged her ball into this
same field. So we're both looking for our balls when I happened
to see this one cow acting a little different than the rest. I
went over and raised its tail and damned if there wasn't a golf
ball stuck in its asshole. So I hollered at the lady, "Hey lady,
does this look like yours?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A COWBOY'S VIEW OF REINCARNATION
(By Wally McRee)
"What's reincarnation?" a cowboy asked his friend. His old pal told him:
It starts when your life comes to it's end: They comb your
hair and wash your neck and clean your fingernails and put
you in a padded box, away from life's travails. Then the box
and you goes in a hole that's been dug into the ground.
Reincarnation starts when you're planted beneath that mound.
Them clods melt down, just like that box and you inside - and
that's when you're beginning your transformation ride. And in
awhile the grass will grow upon your rendered mound until some-
day upon that spot a lonely flower is found. And then a "hoss"
done eat it along with his other feed - makes bone and fat
essential to the steed - but there's a part that the horse can't
use and so it passes through and there it lies upon the ground.
This thing that once was you, and if by chance I should pass by
and see this on the ground, I'll stop awhile and I'll ponder at
this object that I've found. And I'll think about reincarnation
and life and death and such, and I'll come away concludin' "Why,
you ain't changed all that much!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
___ _ / \ _ ___
/ \__/ \__/----\__/ \_/ \
| |0 0 |
\ _| __ /
\_______/ | | \_______/
/ _/\
__/ _/| | |||
/) (o _/___| |____ |___|
\ / / \ /
\__/ | |\_____/
|WHATSAMATTA|
| U |
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two ferocious cannibal chiefs sat licking their fingers after a large meal.
"Your wife makes a delicious roast," one chief said. "Thanks," his friend
said. "I'm gonna miss her."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have You heard about the new cereal that's advertised a lot on TV, called
"Nut 'N' Honey"? Well, the same company is now marketing a similar new
cereal, aimed for the inner-city residents. It's called "Nut 'N' Bitch!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the worst thing about screwing a cow?
A: You have to get off the stump and run around front every time you want
to kiss her.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
English Teacher Joke:
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate clauses.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What should you do if you wife has an epileptic seizure in the bathtub?
A: Throw in the laundry.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were these three old guys sitting around at a rest home, discussing
their health. The first guy, 70 years old, said, "I just wish I was still
able to take a good piss." The second guy, 80 years old, said, "Yeah, me
too, but more than anything, I wish I could still take a good shit." The
third old codger, at 90 years of age, said, "I take a good piss every morn-
ing about 7:30. Then, about 9:20, I take a good shit. I just wish I could
wake up earlier than eleven ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two, but I don't know how they got in there.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man and his wife were traveling through Kansas on a hot day; when they
stopped for gas the wife stayed in the car with the windows up and the air
conditioning going, while the husband stepped out to talk to the man servic-
ing the car. The gas jockey asked the husband where they were from and the
husband said, "Texas." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did
he say?" "He asked where we were from." The gas jockey asked, "Where in
Texas?" "Ft. Worth." The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did
he say?" "He asked where in Texas." The gas jockey said, "Ft. Worth, Texas
... I been there. That's where I had the worst piece of ass I ever got in my
life!" The wife knocked on the window and yelled, "What did he say?" "He
said that he thinks he knows you!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between meat and fish?
A: If you beat your fish, your fish will die.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do we know girls aren't made of sugar and spice?
A: Because they taste like anchovies.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor was taking a group of interns on rounds at a hospital. All of a
sudden, another intern came racing down the corridor, shouting "Quick, doc-
tor, give me a pen!" The doctor reached into his pocket and handed the intern
something. The intern looked at the object and said, "Doctor, this isn't a
pen. It's a rectal thermometer." The doctor looked at the thermometer and
exclaimed, "Dammit, some asshole has my pen!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a kid came home and yelled, "Ma, Ma, I had sex for the first time
today!" The mother was outraged and sent the kid upstairs to his room. When
the father got home, the mother explained the situation, whereupon the
father marched staright up the stairs to his son's room. "I Hear you had
sex, son." said the father in a stern voice. "Yeah ..." "Way to go! Now
you're a man! I'm proud of you son." The next day at work the father told
the guys at work about his 'improved' son. That night he came home from
work and again went to his son's room. "So, son, did you have sex again
today?" "No Dad; my asshole is still sore from yesterday ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was an career aggie who was well into his 12th year at A&M. His
father, an arch-supporting alumni, was growing tired of his son not having
graduated yet. He himself took only 10 years. So he pressured the dean to
simply graduate his son and be done with it. Not wanting to give preferen-
tial treatment to the rich alumni, but still wanting his substantial finan-
cial support, the dean decided to test the boy and, if he passed the exam,
then he would grant him his graduate degree. So the dean called the son
into his office and explained the matter, telling him he only had three
questions and that it was an overnight, open book, test (Not wanting to
leave anything up to chance). Then he listed the questions:
1. How many Days of the Week begin with a "T"?
2. How many Seconds are there in a Year?
3. How many "D's" are there in DIXIE?
The youth hurried home and began to work. The next day he returned to the
dean's office, obviously worn to a frazzle, having stayed up all night
working. The dean asked him, "Okay son, for the first question, how many
days of the week begin with a "T", what is your answer?" The son said,
"Well, 'course that was the first and easiest one ... There are two days,"
(The dean smiled) "Today and Tomorrow!" The dean began to sweat and wiped
his face. "Well I suppose there is a certain amount of truth to that answer,
so I'll accept it. Now, for the second question: How many seconds are there
in a year? The son replied, "You know that had me workin' a long time, till
I looked at my calendar fer help. Then it come to me: there are 12 seconds
in a year. The 2nd of January, 2nd of Feb ..." The Dean almost lost it, but
then regained composure. "Son," he said, "I believe we misphrased the
question, so I'm going to give you credit for it. Now, for the third and
final question, how many D's are there in "Dixie"? The lad just smiled,
and said, "That's the one what kept me up all night until I got it right!
There are 232 D's!" he said proudly. "What do you mean, 232?" sputtered the
dean. "How did you come up with that?" "Well, you gotta just count like
this: Dee Dee Dee, De De De De Dee Dee Deeee ..."
^
|
(to the tune of Dixie)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One bright and early afternoon a ventriloquist was walking through a field
when he encountered an indian grazing his cow, horse and sheep. The man
smiled at the indian and asked, "How are you doing today Mr. Indian?" The
Indian smiled and said, "Me fine." The man then turned to the cow and asked,
"And how are you doing today Mr. Cow?" The Indian got a puzzled look on his
face and said, "Cow no talk." The man threw his voice at the cow saying,
"Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes this indian's hands are cold when he tries to
milk me." The indian's eyes grew wide. Then the man turned to the horse
and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Horse?" The indian once again
looked at the man and said, "Horse no talk." The man threw his voice again,
saying, "Oh, I'm o.k., but sometimes when this Indian is riding me he hits
me awful hard." The indian's eyes grew even wider. Finally, the man looked
to the sheep and asked, "And how are you doing today Mr. Sheep?" The indian
quickly shouted, "Sheep lie! Sheep lie!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three couples who wanted to be members of a church: an elderly
couple, a middle-aged couple and a newlywed couple. The preacher said,
"To become members you have to abstain from sex for one whole month."
All three couples agreed and arranged to return in one month. After the
month had passed, the preacher asked each couple how well they had done.
The elderly couple reported they had succeded with little difficulty. The
middle-aged couple said it was challenging, but that they had also succeded.
Then the preacher asked the newlyweds how they had done. The husband said,
"Well, the first two weeks were o.k., the third week was really challenging,
but during the fourth week my wife bent over to get a can of vegtables and
I just lost all control." The preacher said, "Well, then, I'm sorry to say
that you can't become members of our church." To which the husband replied,
"That's o.k., they won't let us back in the grocery store either."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What has 100 balls and fucks rabbits?
A: A shotgun.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a man was walking along the beach when he saw a beautiful
girl who, sadly, had no legs. She was in her wheelchair bawling her eyes
out. "What's wrong?" he asked. "I've never been hugged before," she replied.
So he hugged her. The next day on his walk, he saw her again. Once more, she
was crying. "What's wrong now?" he asked. "I've never been kissed before."
she sobbed. So he proceeded to lay a lip-lock on her. The third day he was
walking by and AGAIN saw the poor girl crying. By now annoyed, he snapped,
"Now what?" "I've never been fucked before ..." she said hopefully. Where-
upon he proceeded to pick her up out of her wheelchair and throw her in the
water. "Now you're fucked!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't lawyers lay out at the beach?
A: Because cats keep covering them with sand.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If Iraq attacked Turkey from the rear, would Greece help?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day an old man and his wife were sitting in the waiting room of the old
man's urologist. The nurse stepped in, holding three specimen jars in her
hand. She said "Mr. Johnson, we're going to need a urine sample, a semen
sample and a stool sample." Fiddling with the volume control on his hearing
aid, Mr. Johnson asked his wife, "WHAT DID SHE SAY, MARTHA?" "They want
your shorts, dear."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night a lady was choking on a piece of meat in a restaurant. Everybody
tried to help by slapping her on the back, but to no avail. All of a sudden
an Aggie RAN across the room, whipped up her dress, ripped down her drawers
and started licking her ass. She was so astounded, she disgorged the meat
and said, "My God, what was that?!" The Aggie drawled, "Wuh luhned thut in
school, thut's thuh Hindlick Mahnuhvuh!".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Heat of the Meat
Angle of Dangle = -------------------
Stench of the Wench
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What are the three worst words that you can hear while making love?
A: Honey, I'm home!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One afternoon a man was walking along a farm road with his daughter, when
they came upon two sheep. The two sheep were in the process of mating and
the father, noticing his daughters interest, quickly explained that the
sheep on top had hurt his two front hooves and the other sheep was helping
him get back to the barn. His daughter turned around, and smiled at her dad,
and said, "Isn't it funny that when you help someone, they almost always
screw you in the end?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman wanted to have a baby, so she asked a guy to have sex with her. Just
as they were about to commence, she asked, "What are we going to call our
baby?" The guy left, saying, "I don't want no kid!" So she invited another
man over. The same thing happened The third time, she decided not to tell
the man she wanted to get pregnant until after the act was over. After he
came, she asked, "What are we going to call our baby?" The man stood up,
pulled off the condom, tied it in a knot, threw it up against the wall and
said, "If he gets out of that, we'll call him `Superman.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a kosher tampon?
A: A tightwad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TWENTY TYPES OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MEN'S ROOM
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.
CROSSEYES: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back
later.
INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinals, tries to hit fly or bug.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
ABSENT-MINDED: Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
SNEAK: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in
next stall will get blamed.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long while waiting, reads with free hand.
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
FAT: Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shoe.
LITTLE: Stands on box, falls in, drowns.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
DISGRUNTLED: Stands for awhile, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two-inch dick like a baseball bat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Adam was in the Garden of Eden when God came over to him and said,
"I made something for you. What I made for you will do anything you say,
fix your meals and give you indescribable pleasure. It will take care of
you always and it will never give you any trouble." Adam thought a moment
and said, "What does it cost me?" God said, "Just an arm and a leg." Adam
said "Sorry, but that's too steep for me. What can I get for a rib?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a mathematician who found an equation for GOD. It
was, of course, a very complicated equation but, she figured, all she had to
do was find a computer system which (1) had a large enough memory to store
all the necessary variables, and (2) was fast enough to gather all the infor-
mation together. Once this was accomplished, all the mysteries of the Uni-
verse could be solved. So the government took every available micro-
processor, linker, loader, assembler and anything else they had available,
put them all together and asked the computer: "Is there a God?" Unfortu-
nately, however, the computer's response was that it would take, at the
very least, a century or two to solve the problem. This wasn't good enough
for the bureaucrats in Washington who, for the first time in their lives
wanted something other than the status quo. So they decided to follow that
up by taking every single computer in the entire nation and, linking them
all together into one giant, ever-so-much-bigger, super-computer, asked
once again, "Is there a God?" Well, this time the computer said that it
would take only ten years to solve the equation Not as bad, but still not
quick enough to satisfy all the eager philosophers and scientists. "Some-
thing more must be done!" they shouted. By this time the whole world was
beginning to pay attention to the project and everone wanted to get
involved. After much debate, the United Nations decided to build the com-
puter and discover if there really was a God. So they took every computer
system in the world and linked them all together into one single amazing
super-duper-computer - the likes of which had never, EVER, been seen
before! Once again the scientists asked, "Is there a God?" The response?
"THERE IS NOW!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will take out a three
year lease with an option to buy. If you tell the Navy to secure a building,
they will turn out the lights and lock the door. If you tell the Army to
secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a
pass. If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault it with
heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call in an air strike.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Great way to answer the telephone:
"Hello, Incontinence Clinic. Please hold ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a priest and a nun on missionary journey in the Sahara Desert.
They were riding a camel in a caravan across the desert when all of sudden a
sandstorm blew in. They were separated from their traveling companions and
got lost in the desert. After a few days the camel collapsed from exhaustion.
Father John looked at the Sister Agnes and said, "Looks like this is it for
us." Sister Agnes agreed. "I always wanted to have sex before I died." said
Father John. "Me too." said Sister Agnes. So they both undressed. When had
both disrobed, Sister Agnes looked down at the Father John's sceptre and
said, "What is that?" Father John told the good Sister that it was the Shaft
of Life. Said Sister Agnes: "Then, why don't you stick it in that camel so
we can get the hell out of here?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should you wrap your pet hamster in electrical tape?
A: So it won't explode when you fuck it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy came home from school one day and went up to Dad. "Pop, I've gotta
write a paper on the difference between theory and fact. Can you help me?"
"Why sure son. Go and ask your mom if she would sleep with old Mr. Johnson
next door for half-a-million dollars." The son was puzzled at this, but went
and asked mom anyway. He walked back in the room a short time later and said
"Yeah, mom would do that." "Go and ask your sister the same question." said
the father. Junior ran up the stairs, asked Sis, and came thundering down
the stairs. "She said she would also." "Okay son, here's the difference: In
theory, we're millionaires. But, in fact, we're living with a couple of
sluts."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confucius say:
Teenage girl with bicycle pedal ass all over town.
Squirrel lay on rock, crack nuts. Man lay on crack, rock nuts.
Man with athletic finger make broad jump.
Man who get stiff in joints should stay out of them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The school bus approached the curb and slowed but, upon noticing a gibbering
kid stumbling around, gooking all over the place, the driver stepped on the
pedal and left the kid in a cloud of dust. Next day, the bus approached the
same curb, but upon noticing the gibbering, drooling kid with his arms
flopping around, the bus smoked by the kid again. The third day, the bus
again approached the curb. Once again, the kid on the curb was frantically
stumbling around, drooling and gibbering. The bus burned rubber, hopped the
curb, and ran right over the stumbling kid. Later, the police arrived. The
officer asked the bus driver, "I understand that you failed to pickup the
poor kid all week long and, as if that weren't enough, you ran him over!.
What do you have to say for yourself?" To which the driver replied, "He
wuth makking fthun uff me!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?
A: A pounding sensation in your butt.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a cat sound like a dog?
A: Douse it with lighter fluid and toss on a match. ("Wooof!")
Q: How do you make a dog sound like a cat?
A: First you douse the dog with water, then stick him in the
freezer. After a couple of hours take him out and run him
through a bandsaw. ("Reeooww!")
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man entered a tattoo parlor on the lower west side and wanted to get a
tattoo. "What can I do for you?" asked the tattoo artist. "Well," the man
replied, "I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my wang." "I've never had
that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?" "Well, I really like to
watch my money grow. I also love to play with my money. And, I'll tell you
what, my wife can blow a hundred dollar bill better than anyone I've ever
met!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Ernie got a duck for his birthday. He took it for walks every day
and enjoyed having a pet. One day, Sleezy Suzy saw him walking the duck,
and said, "Hey, I like your duck. Will you give it to me if we go into the
bushes and fool around?" Dirty Ernie agreed, and off they went. When they
finished, Dirty Ernie said, "Hey, if you'll give me my duck back, we can
do that again." So they fooled around in the bushes some more. Unfortu-
nately, about this time a big truck came barreling down the street. The
truck driver saw the duck in the road, and slammed on his brakes - but no
luck - he ran right over it. The driver told Dirty Ernie, "Hey kid, I'm
sorry about your duck. Here's a dollar to pay for it." Later, when Dirty
Ernie finally got home, his dad asked him how his day was. Dirty Ernie
said, "Not bad, Dad. I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and a
buck for a fucked-up duck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TITLE: Restroom Policy (RTP)
Effective Date: Immediately.
Revised: July 31, 1990.
Approval: Board of County Commissioners.
References: None.
Author: Anonymous.
Purpose: In the past, employees were permitted to make trips to
the bathroom under informal guidelines. Effective
September 1, 1990, a Restroom Trip Policy (RTP) will
be established to provide a consistent method of
accounting for each employee's restroom time and
ensuring equal treatment of all employees.
Policy: It is the policy of the county government to provide
fair and equal restroom time for all employees. Under
this policy, a "Restroom Trip Bank" will be established
for each employee. The first day of each month, employees
will be given twenty (20) Restroom Trip Credits. Restroom
Trip Credits may be accumulated from month to month.
Exceptions: Pregnant employees (male or female) will be given forty
(40) Restroom Trip Credits per month.
Definitions: None.
Procedure: Currently the entrances to all restrooms are being equipped
with personnel identification stations and computer-linked
voice print recognition devices. During the next two (2)
weeks, each employee must provide two (2) copies of voice
prints (one normal, one under stress) to Personnel Services.
The Voice Print Recognition Stations will be operational,
but not restrictive for the month of September; employees
should acquaint themselves with the stations during that
period. If an employee's Restroom Trip Bank balance
reaches zero (0), the doors to all restrooms will remain
locked for that employee's voice until the first of next
month when the employee receives his/her next 20/40
credits. In addition, all restroom stalls are being
equipped with timed paper-roll retractors. If the stall
is occupied for more than three minutes, an alarm will
sound. Thirty seconds after the alarm sounds, the roll
of paper in the stall will retract, the toilet will flush,
and the stall door will open.
Liability: It is the responsibility of all management personnel to
ensure understanding and compliance with this policy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a business executive who decided he needed a little rest from
the daily routine, so he decided to take his pretty, young secretary to a
hotel for some whoopee. He rented a very nice, quiet room and they spent
the day drinking, going to bed, having lunch, drinking some more, back to
bed again, etc. Finally 5 o'clock came and they had to go their separate
ways. On the way home, he was thinking about what excuse he could tell his
wife if she was in the mood for having a 'party' tonight. He drove up the
driveway of his home and sure enough, there was his wife at the door, all
arrayed in a pretty gown and negligee, with pipe, slippers and cool drinks.
She led him into the house, with all the sweetness she possessed, to his
favorite armchair. He thought, "God I hope that this doesn't build up to
something." They sat back and relaxed, sipping their drinks and talking.
Suddenly, she said that she had forgotten something in the bedroom, got
up and said she would be right back. He thought, "Oh Lord, here it comes."
As soon as she had left the room he jumped up, unzipped his trousers, pulled
out 'Jasper' and started to bend it and whip it around trying to get some
life into it, but nothing happened - it did not help a bit. He heard her
returning so he stuffed 'Jasper' back into his trousers, zipped them up,
sat down and sighed. They continued their conversation, then she asked him
if he would care for another drink, and he replied that he would, so off
she went to the kitchen to fix it. He jumped up immediately, opening his
pants again, out with 'Jasper', up and down, around and around, back and
forth - all this with much more vigor than before - but to no avail. He
decided he would just have to tell her that he was too tired for the fun
and games tonight. She returned with their drinks, sat down and said,
"Dear, I've a most wonderful surprise for you, and I know that you will
be perfectly delighted." He thought, "Sure I will." Then aloud, "Well,
what is it?" She answered sweetly, and with a sly smile, "Guess what,
we're on Totally Hidden Video!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ex-WWII Pilot: ... There were three Fokkers straight ahead, two more Fokkers
on my tail, when - all of a sudden! - I saw a Fokker coming
in from each side ...
Buddy #1: What's a Fokker?
Buddy #2: That's a German fighter plane.
Ex-Pilot: That's right, and these particular Fokkers were Messerschmidts!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a newlywed couple were on their honeymoon in the Bahamas.
One day, while sun-bathing, the husband got a bad case of sunburn on his
dick. In terrible pain, he went back to their room to seek some relief. He
opened up the frig and found a bottle of milk. He poured a glass and soaked
his irritated cock within. As he was standing there, his wife walked in,
looked at him, and said, "So that's how it's done! I've always wondered
how you guys filled that thing up."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW ELEMENT DISCOVERED AT BELL LABS
(Boston) - The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered at
Bell Labs. The element, tentatively named ADMINISTRATIUM, has no protons or
electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have one
neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons, and 111 assistant-vice-
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held
together, in a nucleus, by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with.
According to Bell Lab scientists, a minute amount of Administratium caused
one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally occur
in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years - at which
time it does not actually decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in
which assistant neutrons, vice-neutrons, and assistant-vice-neutrons exchange
places. Some studies have shown that the atomic weight actually increases
after each reorganization.
Research at other laboratories indicate that Administratium occurs naturally
in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as govern-
ment agencies, large corporations, universities, and can be found in the
newest best maintained buildings.
Scientist point out that Administratium is know to be toxic at any level of
concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is
allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administra-
tium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date
are not promising.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?
A: Full.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An old man went into a bar in Wyoming. After having a few drinks he started
staring at a heavyset, long-haired, bearded biker. After a few minutes the
biker got pissed off, went over to the old man, and asked him why he kept
staring at him. The old man replied, "I just finished doing twenty-five
years in prison for screwing a buffalo. I just thought you might be my son."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new Polish parachute? It opens on impact ...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year on '20/20' Barbara Walters did a documentary on the customs of
American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she inquired as to how the
number feathers in the indians' headdress was determined. She asked a brave
who had only one feather in his headdress. His reply was "Me have only one
squaw, me have only one feather." She asked another brave, thinking the
first fellow was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress.
He replied, "Ugh! Me have four feathers because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of squaws
involved, she decided to interview the chief.
The Chief had a full headdress of feathers which, needless to say,
amused Ms. Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do yuw haff tho many feathuh
in yuw headwess?" The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief,
me fuckem all - big, small, fat, tall - me fuckem all." Horrified, Ms.
Walters stated, "Yuw thould be hung!" The Chief replied, "You damned right,
me hung - big like buffalo, long like snake ..." Ms. Walters spluttered,
"Yuw dwon't haff to be tho damned hothtile!" The Chief replied, "Hoss-
style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style, me fuckem all!" Tears in her
eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Ow, dweer!" The Chief said, "No deer - me no
fuckem deer - asshole too high and fuckers run too fast. No fuckem deer!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An office manager learned that, due to increased operating costs and slumping
sales, he would have to let one of his employees go. After much thought he
narrowed his choices down to two employees: Liz and Jack. Both were equal in
seniority and both were good workers, so the manager decided that he would
watch the two at work the next day and the first one to leave their desk was
the one who would be let go. When they arrived in the morning, both Liz and
Jack got right to work, and the manager began to wonder if his plan would
work. About mid-morning, however, Liz got up from her desk and asked Jack
for some aspirin. The manager had his victim. He caught up with Liz at the
water fountain: "I'm afraid I have a dilemma here," he said. "I'm going to
have to lay you or Jack off." "Well then, jack off," Liz snapped. "I've got
a headache!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a Marine Gunny took it upon himself to toilet train his
son. Being a Marine, the kid was taught "by the numbers." So the Gunny took
his son into the head and he said, "Kid, this is the way you do it by the
numbers: ONE! You unzip your fly. TWO! You pull out your crank. THREE! You
piss! FOUR! You put it back in. FIVE! You zip up your pants. Got it?" The
little kid, being the son of a Marine, immediately responded with a thunder-
ing, "Aye, aye!" A day or so went by, and the Gunny spied his son going into
the head, so he snuck up to the door and listened: "One! Two! Three! Four!
Two! Four! Two! Four! ..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a bear and a rabbit were taking a shit in the woods. The
bear looked down at the rabbit and asked, "Do you have a problem with shit
sticking to your fur?" The rabbit replied, "No, I've never had that problem."
So the bear picked up the rabbit and wiped his ass ...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What was John Lennons last hit?
A: "The Pavement."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What would it take to re-unite the original Beatles?
A: Three bullets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you kill the New Kids on the Block?
A: Give one of them Aids.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
VARIOUS OBSCURE SCIENTIFIC TERMS
Avogadro = The main ingredient in guacamole.
Circular Reasoning = See Reasoning, Circular.
Half-life = Saturday night in Vacaville.
Hyperbola = An ellipse described by Howard Cosell.
Millihelen = The amount of beauty required to launch one ship.
Ohm = Where the heart is.
Loschmidt's Number = (415) 767-1678
Rosche's Limit = About three beers.
Reasoning, Circular = See Circular Reasoning.
Unit of Power = Watt. "I said, unit of power!" Watt. "I **SAID** ..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 1500 girlfriends?
A: A shepherd.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between kinky and perverted?
A: In kinky, you use a feather. In perverted, you use the whole chicken.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the bee fly past Shell, Texaco, Exxon, Mobil and Sonoco?
A: Because he was an Esso Bee.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pain (n): Popping a boner and running out of skin.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two men were hunting in the hills of Kentucky. Bo turned to Jim-Bob, after
taking a sip from his sixth beer of the hour, and said that he needed to step
into the bushes for a minute. So Bo walked out of sight and pulled out his
dick. Suddenly, a rattle snake slithered into sight! It coiled in defense,
as Bo froze - with dick still in hand. The snake, far from intimidated by
this small cylindrical object, struck and injected his poison into Bo's
staff. Bo cried and screamed until his Jim-Bob came to his rescue. After
rearranging the snake with a load of double-00, Jim-Bob calmed
Bo down and told him that he was going for help. So Jim-Bob wandered down
the holler to a small town. Finding a hand-cranked phone, he called the
nearest doctor and was told to cut two small incisions near the bite, and
suck the poison from the wound. Jim-Bob ran back up the holler to Bo - who
was by then quite distraught and nearly unconscious. Said Jim-Bob to Bo:
"The doc said ya'll gonna die."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When the Lord made Man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be
Boss. The Brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body,
he should be Boss. The Legs argued that since they took the Man wherever he
wanted to go, he should be Boss. The Stomach countered with the explanation
that since he digested all of the food, he should be Boss. The Eyes said that
without them, Man would be helpless, so they should be Boss. Then the Asshole
applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the
Asshole became mad and closed up. After a few days the Brain went foggy, the
Legs got wobbly, the Stomach got ill, and the Eyes got crossed and were
unable to see. So they all conceded and made the Asshole Boss.
This proves that you don't have to be a Brain to be Boss - just an Asshole.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife's a terrific housekeeper. I dirty a plate, she washes it immedi-
ately. I'm ready to drop a cigar ash on the floor, she has it picked up
before it even drops. The other night, I got up at three a.m. to get a
glass of juice. When I came back, the bed already had been made.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The circus leader was upset at the thought that his human cannonball act
would have to be scrapped. It seems the aging performer was losing his nerve
in the act. He went to the boss and quavered, "I don't think I am up to being
shot out of a cannon twice a day any more." "But you can't leave me," his
boss replied, "Where will I find another man of your caliber?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man had to take a psychological test for a job he was applying for. The
psychologist drew a circle and asked, "What does this remind you of?" The
man thought for a moment and replied, "Sex." The psychologist drew a tri-
angle and asked the same question. Again the applicant answered, "Sex."
"And what about this?" asked the psychologist, drawing a square. "Sex," was
the man's answer. "Well," the psychologist said to him, "you certainly seem
to be obsessed with sex." "What do you mean I'M obsessed with sex?" the man
exclaimed, "You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"A fool can ask more questions than a wise man can answer," quoted the pro-
fessor. "Maybe that's why we all flunked your last test," came an
anonymous retort from the rear of the lecture hall.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Business was bad, and the clothing store owner was out on the street trying
to drum up business. "You sir," he said to a prosperous looking man, "Surely
you could use a new suit." "Don't be silly," the man replied, "I have thirty-
two suits at home." "In that case," said the store owner, "bring them in and
I'll make you my partner."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John was going to a Catholic boarding school. On the first weekend break he
went into town to check out the 'big city'. While he was in town he was
repeatedly propositioned by women on the street, saying, "Ten bucks for a
blow job." Upon returning to the catholic boarding school, he asked one of
the nuns, "Sister, what is a qwickie?" The sister promptly replied, "Ten
bucks - same as in town ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Texas oilman had just finished lunch at an expensive restaraunt. He left
a modest tip, and was preparing to leave, when the waiter said, "You know,
sir, your daughter always leaves a larger tip than that." "That all right
for her," the financier growled, "She's got a rich father."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early?
A: They want to beat the crowd.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell if a jewish woman is a nymphomaniac?
A: She'll screw you the same day she has her hair done.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two rich texans, J.D. the rancher, and Bo the oilman, were inseparable
friends. One evening, they made a vow. Whichever one of them died first
would try to contact the other from the spirit world. Not long after that,
J.D. died. Bo was despondent, but he decided to start attending seances in
the hopes of talking to his lifelong friend. For months, he had no luck.
Then, it happened! He was at a seance when he heard his name called, "Bo,
Bo, are yew there Bo?" "J.D.," he replied excitedly, "J.D., is that yew?"
"Yes, Bo," the far-off voice said, "It's me." "J.D., where are yew?" Bo
asked, "What are yew doing?" "Wayull," the disembodied drawled, "I get up,
have something to eat, screw all morning long. Then it's lunch time, so I
have another bite, then I screw most of the afternoon, take a nap, and it's
time to eat again. I screw long into the night, and then I fall into a
peaceful sleep." "J.D.!" Bo cried, "Ya'll must be in heaven!" "Heaven?"
the voice sighed, "I'm a bull in Oklahoma ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #5
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are three rules that men over 80 -MUST- remember:
1) Never waste a boner - even if you are alone.
2) Take a piss every chance you get.
3) And never, ever, trust a fart.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night a guy got to the ballpark late. He saw three old ladies in the
stands - passed out with an empty bottle of booze beside them. Right away,
he knew the status of the game:
It was the bottom of the fifth and the bags were loaded.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Down in the crypts of St. Giles,
The screaming resounded for miles,
Said the vicar "Good Gracious,
"Has Father Ignatius,
"Forgotten the Bishop has piles?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Doc," said the cannibal to the witch doctor, "I have terrible heartburn."
"What have you been eating?" said the witch doctor. "Alot of missionaries
with hooded robes and bald heads," said the cannibal. "How do you cook
them?" inquired the witch doctor. "I boil them in a big iron pot," said
the head hunter. "You idiot!" screamed the witch doctor. "Those aren't
boilers - they're friars!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An avid Dallas Cowboys fan took his dog to a sports bar one Sunday afternoon
to watch the game. The bartender reluctantly let the dog in, and the pooch
sat quietly as the game progressed. When the Cowboys got a field goal, the
dog went crazy - barking, running in circles and doing back flips. "What
does he do when they score a touchdown?" the amazed bartender asked. "I
don't know," replied the owner. "I've only had him for two years."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Parking in the driveway after their first date, Steve leaned over and gave
Wendy a wet, passionate kiss. When she responded warmly, he unzipped his fly
and pulled her hand to his wang. Furious, Wendy opened the car door and
jumped out. "I've got just two words to say to you," she screamed, "DROP
DEAD!" "And I've got just two words to say to you," Steve screamed back.
"LET GO!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why were the gays able to evacuate San Francisco so quickly after the
earthquake?
A: Because they already had their shit packed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last summer a doctor and his family were at the beach having a good time.
All of a sudden the doctor spotted a dorsal fin sticking out of the water
and fainted. When he came to, his wife said, "You have to be less paranoid,
dear. That was only a shark. Stop imagining that there are lawyers every-
where."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine drives to work on a long stretch of country road. One
morning, as she was driving to work, she hit a bunny rabbit crossing the
road. She immediately stopped to render aid to the bunny. The bunny was not
dead, only mildly stunned. Being the not so bright person that she is, she
decided that she might be able to spray perfume on the rabbit to stun him
back into shape. She rummaged through her purse to get the perfume and
sprayed it on the rabbit. Immediately the bunny jumped up on its hind legs
and began to wave its front paw. Satisfied that the bunny was okay, she
drove on to work. That afternoon, on the way home, she noticed the rabbit
was still waving. She shrugged and continued home. The next morning, the
rabbit was still there, waving. The experience was repeated the next
morning and evening. By that time she was quite puzzled and decided that
she should look in her purse to see exactly what it was that she had
sprayed on the rabbit. She took the bottle out of her purse and on the
label it read ...
"PERMANENT WAVE FOR DAMAGED HAIR"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Have you heard about the long-married man who found sex more enjoyable if
lay on his right side? It was the only position in which he could see the
television ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Marilyn Quayle does drugs? Yep, every once in awhile she
blows a little dope ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Between which two toes is a girl the most ticklish?
A: The two big ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Teacher: Ernest! Why are you late to class again?
Dirty Ernie: Sorry Miss, I've been down at the creek
sticking cherry bombs up frogs' asses ...
Teacher: Rectum, Johnny, Rectum ...
Dirty Ernie: Wrecked'em? Hell, I blew'em to fuckin' pieces!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, Mommy, can I have a spoon?"
"Why, dear?"
"Well, grandpa's been sick, and Robby got all the lumps ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two black guys pass each other on the street one morning. The first one
says, "Yo, mo'fucker!" The other one answers, "Mornin' Reverend."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She's so fat, she's going to collapse into a black hole ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time there was a snake and a rabbit that bumped into each other
in the woods. Both were blind. The snake started feeling the rabbit's fur
and said, "You are nice and soft, so you must be a rabbit." Then the rabbit
started feeling the snake and said, "And you are cold and slithery. You
must be a lawyer."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a tomb was found in Egypt. First a team of British arche-
ologists went in; they came out after a week and announced, "This tomb is
over 3000 years old. It is the tomb of a pharoh, but we do not know which
one." Next an American team went in for two weeks and they reported much
the same; they too could not determine which pharoh it was. Finally a
Soviet team went in. After 20 minutes they came out and announced, "This
is the tomb of Ramses XXI!" The others were astonished and asked the
Soviets, "How could you tell which pharoh it was?" The Soviets answered,
"That was easy, he confessed."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Before 'perestroika' an American and a Soviet were talking about freedom
in their coutries. "In the United States," said the American, "you can go
right up to the White House gate and yell, 'The President is an idiot,'
and no one will do anything to you." The Soviet answered, "We also have
freedom of speech. In Soviet Union you can go right up to Kremlin wall
and yell, 'American President is idiot,' and no one will do anything to
you."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an Iraqi with 30 sheep?
A: Pimp.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do a herd of sheep call an Iraqi?
A: Dad.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
To Be Tried On Acquaintances:
You: "I read a poll the other day that half of all people masturbate in
the shower, and the other half sings. Do you know what they sing?"
Their Standard Answer: "I don't know."
Your Witty Reply: "I was wondering why your hand was calloused."
"No wonder you need glasses ..."
(etc).
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call 6 Iraqi's with a sheep?
A: A gang bang.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What does an Iraqi woman call a sheep?
A: Competition.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Aggie coach, in front of a stadium-full of loyal fans at College
Station, asked a top academic player to demonstrate his prowess. "Tell
our fans what 8 plus 1 equals," said the coach. The Aggie player scratched
his head, "ummed" and "uhhed", and said "Nine." Seventy thousand Aggie fans
sat stunned for a minute. Then, in unison, the grandstand called out, "Try
again!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
A: Right where you left it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An aggie went into a public restroom stall, and <slowly> read a sign there
that said, "Don't put anything but paper in this bowl." So he shit on the
floor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do elephants do when they are bored?
A: Put springs on their feet and bounce up into the trees to rape monkeys.
Q: What is the most terrible thing for a monkey to hear?
A: SPROING ... SPROING ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
HOW TO KILL A SOUTH DAKOTA EEL
Little Johnny and the other boys his age were hearing quite a bit
about dating from the older boys, and wondering what it was all about and
how it was done. One day, Johnny decided to take these questions to his
mother who became quite flustered. Instead of explaining things to Johnny,
she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boyfriend. The next morning Johnny explained *EVERYTHING* to
his mother:
"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off
most of the lights and they started to hug and kiss. I figured sis must
have been getting sick, because she started looking funny. Her boyfriend
must have thought so too, because he put his hand up her shirt to find her
heart, just like a doctor would - except he is not as smart as a doctor,
because he had trouble finding her heart.
"I guessed that her boyfriend must have been getting sick too, because
pretty soon they were both panting and out of breath. His other hand must
have been getting cold because he put it up her skirt. About this time, she
got worse; she began to moan, squirm around and slide down towards the end
of the couch. I knew she had a fever because she said she was feeling hot.
"Then I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten
into her boyfriend's pants. It jumped out of his pants and stood there, about
10 inches long. Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting
away. When sis saw it she got scared, and her mouth fell open to call God
and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest she had ever seen. I
thought I should tell them about the ones down at the lake ...
"All of a sudden, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting it's
head off. But it must have bit her back back because, after a few minutes,
she started making noises. So, she grabbed it tight with both hands while
her boyfriend put a muzzle on it to keep it from biting her again. Sis laid
back and spread her legs so that she could put a scissor-lock on it, and
he helped by laying on top of the eel.
"The eel put up one hell of a fight. Sis started to moan and scream.
I guess that they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them. After
a while both quit moving and gave out a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and
sure enough, they killed it. I knew it was dead because it just hung limp
there and some of it's insides were hanging out.
"Sis and her boyfriend were tired from the battle, but they went at it
again. They started to kiss and hug again. I guess that eels are like cats,
with nine lives or something, because the eel got up and started to fight
again. This time sis tried to kill it by sitting on it. They finally killed
it - I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel it's
skin off and flushed it down the toilet."
Little Johnny's mother fainted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why should every son to go into debt for his father?
A: Because his father went into the hole for him.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Guy walks into a bar and sets an alligator on the bar. He bets the bar-
tender a free drink that he could open the alligator's mouth, stick his
dick in and count to ten very slowly. The bartender said, "Yeah, I'll take
that bet." So, the guy unzipped his pants, pulled out his dick, layed it in
the gator's mouth and counted to ten. The bartender was astounded, "I can't
believe that! Hell, if there is anyone else in the bar who will do that,
I'll buy them a drink too." Whereupon a little guy in the back said, "I'll
do it, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
KOTEX is not a radio station in Texas!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the upper class, AIDS is spread primarily through the unprotected
exchange of Grey Poupon between consenting limousines ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a lady visited her doctor for a physical exam. While the doctor
was examining her, she sneezed. Her eyes rolled up into her head; she
started shaking and jerking violently. After she returned to normal, the
doctor said, "What happened to you?" She said, "Oh, every time I sneeze I
have an orgasm." The doctor asked her, "Are you taking anything for it?"
The lady replied, "Yes. Ragweed."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A: A cherry float.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell a Jewish American Princess has had an orgasm?
A: If she drops her nail file.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a rich woman, dressed to the teeth, was forced to use the public
bus when her chauffeur became ill. She sat next to an old Italian lady.
After a few moments of obvious sniffing, the old lady said, "Hey lady,
you smell good! What's that smell?" The rich lady haughtily answered,
"I'll have you know that's 'Joy' - $95 an ounce." A few moments passed
and the italian lady let out a long, gurgling, smelly fart. The rich
woman recoiled in horror and gasped, "What's that smell!?" The Italian
lady answered, "I'll have you know that's broccoli - 79 cents a bunch."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Last year a group of Libyan terrorists hijacked a planeload of lawyers.
They said that they'd release one every hour unless their demands were
met.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
WORKMAN'S COMPENSATION CLAIM
Dear sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In
block #3 of the accident reporting form, I put "LOST PRESENCE OF MIND" as
the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain
more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.
I am a brick layer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a six-story building. After completing my work, I
discovered that I had about 500 pounds of unused bricks. Rather than
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pully, which was fortunately attached to the side of the building
at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel
out, and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and
untied the rope (holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500
pounds of bricks). You will note in block #11 of the accident reporting
form that I weigh 135 pounds.
Due to my surprise at being jerfed off the ground so suddenly, I "LOST MY
PRESENCE OF MIND" and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel comong down. This
explains my fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly,
I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right
hand were two knuckles deep into the pully.
Fortunately, by this time I had regained my "PRESENCE OF MIND" and was able
to hold tightly to the rope inspite of the pain. At approximately the same
time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out
of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed
approximately 50 pounds.
I refer you again to my weight in block #11. As you might imagine, I began
a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third
floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured
ankles and the laceration of my legs and lower body.
This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when
I fell into the pile of bricks and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were
cracked.
I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks - in pain,
unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel six stories above - I again
lost "PRESENCE OF MIND" and let go of the rope.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having just received a great promotion, John was excited about his new
position, new status and new office. He was checking through the desk
vacated by his predecessor when he came upon a letter, attached to three
envelopes, made out to him. The letter told him that if he got into trouble
he should open the first envelope. "Make sure you open them in order and
only if there is a real emergency," warned the letter. John laughed but
filed the envelopes away. Sure enough, within a month he felt the heat and
decided to give envelope number one a chance. He opened it and it said,
"Blame your predecessor!" So John went to his boss and told him how the bum
he had replaced had messed things up and that it would take him time to get
things back on track. And, with hard work, he did get the problems resolved.
Everything went fine for several more months before, once again, all hell
broke loose. In desperation, John opened the second letter. It advised him
to "Reorganize!" So John went to his boss and told him the solution would
mean a drastic reorganization. After this was done relative calm prevailed.
But the day inevitably came when another disaster struck. With trembling
hands, John opened the third, and final, envelope. The advice? "Make up
three more envelopes!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An American, traveling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower,
a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business,
the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his
own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window,
explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there
was such an abundance of them. After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles
of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window,
explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so
plentiful. The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several
minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, an elephant was walking through the jungle. Unfortunately,
he walked right into a pool of quicksand. He panicked, and started thrashing
all around and yelling for help. Well, as great luck would have it, a monkey
was nearby. The monkey heard all the commotion, so he came over. "Elephant!"
said the monkey, "Don't thrash about so; you'll float if you just stay still.
I'll go get help to get you out." The elephant thought, "Now what is a little
monkey going to do for me?" But he laid still and, sure enough, he stopped
sinking into the quicksand. After awhile, the monkey came back in a BMW. He
took a vine off a tree, tied it to the BMW's bumper, and gave the end to the
elephant. With that, he pulled the elephant out of the quicksand and saved
his life!
Some time later, the monkey was swinging through the tree when his grip on
the vine slipped, and he fell right into some quicksand. He too panicked,
and started yelling and thrashing. Just as you'd know it, the elephant was
walking nearby, and heard the commotion. "Monkey, monkey!" cried the ele-
phant, "Don't flail around. Lie still, and I'll find a way to save you."
The monkey laid still and stopped sinking into the quicksand. The elephant
noted that the quicksand pool wasn't very wide. "Monkey, the quicksand
isn't very wide. I'll just straddle it. You reach up and grab ahold of me,
and I'll pull you out!" The monkey did as he was told, and his life was
saved.
The moral of the story is this: If your dick's big enough, you don't
need a BMW!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob lost his dick in a horrible traffic accident. Fully recovered
except for the use of "Mr. Happy," late one night he was watching TV.
During the commercial break an ad came on for "Doctor Smith's Miracle
Penis Replacement Clinic." The next day, Bob rushed to the clinic.
"Doctor," he begged, "I need to get a new dick." The doctor informed
Bob that the demand for newer, bigger and better dicks was so great that
all he had left were baby elephant trunks. But Bob was desperate, he didn't
hesitate to undergo the experimental surgery. Six months later, fully
healed and rehabilitated, Bob finally had the confidence to ask a lady
out to dinner. As they were eating dinner, this thing came out from under
the table, grabbed a biscuit, and darted back underneath the table. The
girl saw this and thought to herself, "If that happens again, I'm going
to have to say something." A few minutes later the thing came out from
under the table and grabbed another biscuit, so the lady said, "Bob, I
don't know what that is, but if it keeps taking my food, I'm calling a
cab!" Bob replied, "You're mad? Hell, it keeps stuffing the biscuits up
my ass!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a 250 pound woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Whopper with cheese.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a enviromentalist went to a greengrocers and began anxiously
looking over the produce. "Can I help you madam?" asked the shopkeeper.
"Yes, I was looking for some fruit," replied the enviromentalist, "Have
these oranges been treated with any poisonous fertilizers or weedkillers?"
"No, sorry, but you'll have to get that from the chemist's."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BUMPER STICKER
(Seen on a truck in Southern Alberta,)
(where cattle ranching is Big Business)
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<20> And the Angel spake unto the shepherds: <20>
<20> <20>
<20> "Get the hell outta here - this is cattle country!" <20>
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-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?
A: To keep the foreskins from covering up their faces.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know why Iraqi high schools can't offer driver's ed and sex ed in
the same year?
A: The camels can't take the pressure.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one night, an 80 year old man was about to make love to his beautiful,
young girlfriend. The petite nymphet noticed that the old man was wearing a
condom: "You don't have to wear that," said the young girl. "I'm on the
pill." "You don't understand," said the old man. "Dampness irritates my
arthritis."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE DEFINITION OF EGO
An female elephant was having an awful time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting her near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
She kept swinging her trunk, but the fly was far out of reach. A monkey
observed this and suddenly swung down and slapped the horsefly flat. "Oh,
thank you! That was such a relief," said the elephant. "My pleasure,
ma'am," said the monkey. "Listen, Mr. Monkey, if there's anything I can
ever do for you, don't hesitate to ask." The monkey hesitated. "Well,
ma'am ..." he said. "What is it? You needn't be shy with me." "Well, the
truth is that all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck an elephant."
"Go right ahead," said the elephant. "Be my guest!" So the monkey swung
around behind the elephant and began to fuck away. Up above them, a baboon
was peeping from a cocnut tree and began to get very excited; he started
to beat off. In his excitement the baboon shook a coconut loose. The coco-
nut fell from the tree, hitting the elephant smack on the head. "RE-eeee-
OOOHH!" the elephant trumpeted in pain. At which point, the monkey looked
over from behind the elephant and asked, "Am I hurting you, dear?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a prostitute with diarhea and a corn
farmer with epilepsy?
A: The corn farmer shucks between fits.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Forty Miles in The Saddle"
By Major Assburns
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One Sunday, a lady went to a priest to confess. She said, "Father, I went
out with a boy last night - and he took off my blouse and my bra." The priest
took off her blouse and bra and said, "Like this?" "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
replied the girl. "Child, don't say things like that!" exclaimed the priest.
Girl: "Then he touched my breasts!"
Priest (touching breasts): "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
Priest: "Child! I said not to say that!"
Girl: "Then he took off my skirt and panties."
Priest (removing the items): "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
Priest: "Child, please!"
Girl: "Then he put it in me!"
Priest (putting it in her): "Like this?"
Girl: "Yes, that dirty bastard!"
Priest (eyes cast skyward): "Lord forgive her ..."
Girl: "Then he gave me V.D!"
Priest: "That dirty bastard!!!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the guy who had his whole left side cut off! Don't worry;
he's all right ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The tent revival was in its fifth long night, and religious fervor was at a
peak when the normally taciturn Farmer John jumped up and ran down the aisle,
sobbing and with tears streaming down his face. The preacher met him with
outstretched hand and John bawled, "Preacher, I been a sinner!" "Tell it all,
John!" hollered the preacher, to the congregation's delight. "I been doin'
terrible things, Preacher," said John, and the congregation AMENed loudly.
"Drinkin' and everything ... I even cheated on my taxes!" "Tell it all,
John!" the preacher bellowed even louder, gripping the penitent John about
the shoulders. With the congregation providing loud vocal support, John
continued to recite his sins. "I been having ... you know, sex fantasies,"
he said, and the congregation swooned with a loud AMEN, and the preacher
hoarsely repeated his demand. Emboldened, John went on, "... and I been
visitin' the cathouse over in Hog Holler..." And with each revelation, the
murmuring excitement of the crowd got louder, and the preacher's exhorta-
tions grew more insistent that John `tell it all!' Caught up in the frenzy,
and the approval of his audience, John hollered, "... and I been screwin' my
mule!" There was instant and absolute silence in the tent. No one even
coughed, as John blinked and looked about in bewilderment. The preacher
leaned close to the confessor's ear and whispered, "Damn if I'da tol' that,
John ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a shithead and a brown-noser?
A: Depth perception.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young boy came home from school one day and told his mother that he began
a sex education class that day. His mother hit the ceiling and said,
"There's gonna be no sex education as long as you live in this house.
Get upstairs and stay there until your father comes home!" So, the boy
went up to his room. Later, the old man came home and asked, "Where's the
boy?" His wife replied, "I'm punishing him up in his room. He says he
started taking a class in sex education class in school today." Enraged,
the father stormed up the stairs and burst into the boy's room where the
boy was lying on the bed masturbating. The father said, "Listen you, when
you're finished with your homework I want to talk to you!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between humans and computers?
A: With a computer you put software into hardware ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day when Ernie was about six, before he learned about being dirty, he
was pestering his mom while she tried to do the housework. She said, "Why
don't you go across the street and watch them building the new apartments?
Maybe you will learn something ..." So Ernie left. When he came back two
hours later, his mother asked him what he had learned. Ernie replied, "Well,
first you put the goddamn door up. Then the sonofabitch doesn't fit, so you
have to take the cocksucker down. Then you have to shave a cunt hair off
each side and put the motherfucker back up!" Ernie's mother was shocked.
"Young man, you march yourself upstairs right this minute! Just wait until
your father gets home!" When Ernie Sr. got home, little Ernie's mother
called him downstairs and demanded that he tell his father what he had
'learned' that day. When little Ernie had finished his story, his father,
steam coming from his collar, said, "Ernie go outside and get me a switch."
So Ernie replied, "Get fucked! Thats the electrician's job!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, the Queen of England was giving a state dinner for the president.
After enjoying a rich and sumptuous meal, and during the after dinner chit-
chat, the president accidently let loose a terrific fart that shook the
chandeliers. He started turning red, and cautiously looked around hoping
nobody had noticed the stagnant oder of romano cheese in the air. Unfortu-
nately, the Queen did. She frowned and said, "One never farts before the
Queen!" The president said, "I'm sorry your majesty, I didn't know it was
your turn ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
During the last recession a banker was going to committ suicide by jumping
off a bridge. As he leaned on the guardrail, he heard a far away voice
saying, "Do-o-o-on't ju-u-u-ump!" He looked around, but saw no one, so he
climbed up on the edge of the bridge and prepared to dive. Again he heard
the voice "Do-o-o-on't ju-u-u-ump!" This time he looked down and saw,
hidden in the shadow of the underpass, an incredibly old, and scaggly
woman. "Why not?" he yelled. "I'm in ruin: My company's bankrupt, my wife
has left me, my daughter's a groupie ..." he rambled on for some thirty
minutes. "Sonny, you shouldn't be thinking about suicide," she yelled
back. "Whatever your problem, I can solve it for you. You see, I'm a witch.
All you have to do is eat me and I'll solve all your problems!" The thought
of eating the old hag was revolting, but the banker figured he had nothing
to lose, so he climbed down off the bridge and made his way down the offramp
and ran quickly to the witch. He threw her down, tore off her rags, and
proceeded to give her a thorough tongue lashing. After a few moments of
this, the old hag began to shake and quiver. The banker noticed that she was
convulsed with laughter. He said, "What are you laughing at?" She answered,
"Sonny, aren't you a bit old to be believing in witches?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night in Londonderry, an Irishman and an Englishman parked their cars
side-by-side in a pub parking lot. The Irishman had a rusted-out 1954
Morris 1000; the Englishman, a new Rolls-Royce. The Irishman, in drunken
awe asked, "Shore and t'ats a mighty fine-lookin' motor car you aff, sor.
If you please, whot does a man aff to do to 'et a car like that?"
The Englishman snootily replied, "I work for Cunard." Slurred the Irishman,
"I wohk fohkin' `ard, too!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the polish lesbian? She liked men ..
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between like and love?
A: Spit and swallow.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Late one scorching day in old New Mexico, the Lone Ranger rode up to a bar,
dismounted and tied up Silver. He was sitting at the bar, enjoying a well-
earned drink, when his faithful sidekick ran in. "I think Silver is over-
heated," Tonto exclaimed. "What should I do?" "Well, go out and stir up a
good breeze by running circles around him," the Lone Ranger calmly replied.
A few drinks later, a stranger approached the Lone Ranger: "Does that big,
white horse out there belong to you?" "Yes, why?" said the Lone Ranger.
"Wehl," drawled the cowboy, "yuh left the injun runnin'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
A: You would too if your name was "U-u-u-urd-urj."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a bird who hated saying 'goodbye' so much, he waited until
the last minute to fly south for the winter. When he finally did leave, it
was so cold that his wings iced up and he fell to the ground on a nearby
farm. He was cold and very depressed and thought he was going to die then
and there. After awhile, a cow wandered by and shit on the bird. The bird
he was becomming warm, and could move around, so he began to sing. A nearby
cat heard the singing, and dug the bird from inside the pile of shit, and
ate him. There are exactly three morals to this story:
(1) Not everybody who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everybody who takes shit off you is your friend.
(3) When you are in something warm and wonderful,
keep your big mouth SHUT !!!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My girlfriend is so fat ("HOW FAT IS SHE?"), that when she sits on my
motorcycle, you can't hear the engine!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A scientist, after years of failed attempts, finally made a clone of him-
self. The clone was exactly like him; it liked the same foods, read the
same books, liked the same T.V. shows, etc. The one difference was that the
clone was terribly obscene. Every other word it uttered was an obscenity.
The scientist quickly grew tired of this, because it created embarrassing
situations everywhere they went. So, the scientist took the clone up to the
top of a cliff and pushed it off. Unfortunately, though, a policeman saw him
do this, and the policeman rushed up to him and said, "You're under arrest
for murder!" "But it wasn't a person I just pushed off the cliff. It was
just a clone," replied the scientist. "Well," the policeman said, "you're
still under arrest for making an obscene clone fall."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a one-legged mongoloid with a polack?
A: A polaroid one-step!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The telephone company put out a tender for the installation of telephone
poles. Three groups applied. A group of newfies (canadian polacks), a group
of jews, and a group of italians. Since there are three groups, the tele-
phone company decided to run a contest between them to see which one could
install the most telephone poles in an eight hour day. All three groups went
out and, in the evening, came back to report. "How many telephone poles did
you install?" the telephone executive asked the jews. "Oh, we installed 27
today," they said. "Very good," the executive said. "How many telephone
poles did you install?" the executive asked the italians. "Oh, we installed
24 today," they said. "Good, but not as good as the jews," said the execu-
tive. "How many telephone poles did you install?" the executive asked the
newfies. "Oh, we installed five today," a newfie said proudly. "I don't
understand this," the executive said, "The jews installed 27, and the
italians 24. How is it that you only installed five?!" "Well sir," the
newfie continued, "look at how much of the telephone poles they left above
the ground ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two yuppers got lost while hunting in the woods. One turned to the other and
said, "Grandpa Sven always said that if you are lost, you should fire three
shots in the air. It's a distress signal, and someone will come to rescue."
So the second yupper fired three shots. They waited for awhile, and when no
one came the first yupper told his friend, "Fire three more shots." Again
no one came. Again, the first yupper told his friend, "Fire three more
shots." The second yupper replied, "I can't. I ain't got no more arrows."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Pollack were stranded on a desert island
when an ancient ruby and emerald studded bottle washed up on the beach.
They found the bottle and removed the cork, and WHOOSH! a genie flew out of
the bottle, and agreed to give them each one wish as a token of 'thanks' for
releasing him. The Englishman thought a moment and said "I wish I were back
in England." WHOOSH! the Englishman vanished from the island and was
returned to England. The Frenchman though a moment and said "I wish I
were back in France." WHOOSH! the Frenchman vanished from the island and
was returned to France. The Pollack thought for a moment and said "Gee I'm
gonna miss those guys. I wish they were back ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are all Jewish men circumcised?
A: Jewish women demand 10% off everything.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are people so fragile?
A: They were made with only one screw.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Baptist minister and a Jewish rabbi were seated next to one another in the
first class section of an airplane. The stewardess approached them and asked
what they wanted to drink. "I'll have a martini," said the rabbi. "How about
you, sir?" the stewardess asked the miniser. "You should ask me, a man of
God, that my lips should touch alcohol? Why, I'd sooner commit adultry!"
The minister said indignantly. The rabbi waved at stewardess, "Hold the
martini! I didn't know we had a choice ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Pole, a Jew, and a Mexican were in Kuwait, and all three were killed.
They all went to hell, where the Devil told them "I'm havin a REAL busy
day here guys, and frankly I don't have time to take care of you properly.
Tell ya' what, give me $5 each and I'll send you right back where you came
from." The Pole promptly paid the $5 and found himself back in the war zone,
where he ran to report to his company commander. The CO was curious, of
course, as to where the other two guys were. To which the Pole replied,
"Well, when I left, Goldstein was trying to talk him down, and Lopez was
looking for a co-signer ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Brit and a Scot where standing on a corner talking when an Irishman walked
up. "You know what," said O'Brien, "I just went into that pub over there,
ordered a pint, and played some darts. When I walked out of the pub the
barkeep told me to pay up. So I told him I paid when I got my pint. He
didn't do anything to me, so I got a free drink!" Smyth-Jones, the Brit,
liked the idea so much he went into the pub and did the same thing the
O'Brien did. An hour later Smyth-Jones came out and told the Irishman, and
MacGregor, that the barkeep didn't give him any trouble either. So MacGregor
decided to try too. He walked into the bar and ordered a pint. As MacGregor
talked to the barkeep, the barkeep mentioned the two blokes who walked out
without paying. MacGregor asked the barkeep why he did nothing. The barkeep
said, "I'm not looking for trouble." MacGregor replied, "Well it's getting
late - if you'll give me my change, I'll be heading home ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three bums - Dusty, Jake and Loner - were walking down some railroad tracks
when Jake stops and asked the other two, "Hey, did either of you guys shit
in your pants?" Dusty and Loner both replied, "Not me Jake." "Well, I smell
shit, and I think it's coming from one of you guys," said Jake. They walked
a little further before Jake turned to Loner and asked, "Are you SURE you
didn't shit in your pants?" "Well Jake," said Loner, "don't ya' think I'd
know if I shit in my pants?" With that, Jake knocked Dusty to the ground,
untied his rope belt and pulled down his overalls. Right there in the
middle of the seat of his pants was a flattened out shit, lookin' like a
big old dried out brown pancake. "I thought you said you didn't shit in
your pants!" cried Jake. "Ohhh," replied Dusty, "I thought you meant
TODAY ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Who's the most popular guy on the nude beach?
A: The guy that can hold 12 donuts with no hands.
Q: Who's the most popular girl?
A: The one that can eat them all ... Without using her hands!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are pool tables green?
A: If you had your balls racked, you'd be green too.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's 6 inches long, has a head on it, and makes women go wild?
A: Money.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If a man with a million dollars is a millionaire, what is a woman with
a million dollars?
A: Married.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are dogs better than kids?
A: When you get sick of your dog, you can put it to sleep.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do barkeeps in Ireland cry at funerals.
A: Lost revenue.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After six months prospecting for gold, a miner visited the local trading
post desperate for a woman. "Nothing much around here," the storekeeper
told him, "only the odd squaw, or old Joe the stablehand." "Can't take
no injun wimen, sure as hell ain't taking no man," the parched miner croaked
in disgust as he stamped out the door. Three months later, the miner was
back, was made the same offer, and again refused. By his third visit, the
miner was absolutely determined to find some sex. "Listen," he told the
storekeeper, "I ain't got no time to go searching for no injun wimen.
I'll have to settle for old Joe." "Cost you thirty dollars," the store-
keeper replied, "Thats ten for me, ten for old Joe, and ten for the cook."
Feeling cheated, the miner said, "What the hell does the cook have to do
with it?!" "Well," continued the storekeeper, "it takes two of us to hold
old Joe down. You see, old Joe ain't too keen on men either ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a french whore hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Why do Italians talk with their hands?
A. Because their breath could take the curl out of your pubic hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Green and red and goes a thousand miles an hour?
A: A frog in a blender.
Q: What do you get when you add milk?
A: Frog-nog.
Q: What happens when you drink Frog-nog?
A: You croak.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There were three old ladies sitting on a park bench in Miami when a flasher
came by, and well, flashed. The first woman had a stroke, the second one had
a stroke, and the third one's arms were too short ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy, who just joined the Foreign Legion was sent to North Africa. After
three months of sleeping in the trackless wastes, he started getting sex
hungry. So he asked his captain, "What do people do to satisfy their needs?"
"Well," the captain relied, "See that hut over there? At night go stick your
dick in there." So, that night, the guy went out to the hut and stuck his
dick through the wall. A pair of warm lips wrapped around his member, and he
proceeded to get the blow job of his life! This went on for a week before,
one night, nothing happened. So the guy went to the captain and asked him
what the problem was. "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you," said the captain,
"it's your turn to go into the hut ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Spots On The Wall By Hu Phlung Poo
Hawaiian Love Song By Comonwiwanalayya
Russian's Revenge By Hoyoudon Kutchercockoff
Chinese Population Explosion By Wi Phucom Yung
Revenge of the Jungle Tiger By Claude Balls
The Disappointed Old Maid By Dickie Small
Sailor Beware By Don Bendover
The Open Kimono By Seymore Hare
The Protruding Pajama Leg By Lotta Dicks
The Yellow Stream By I.P. Daily
By A Waterfall By U.P. Standing
The Ruptured Japanese By Hung Low
The Flip Dizzy Hawaiian By Lacka Nookie
The Bride's First Night By Peter B. Kyne
Blood On The Picnic Ground By Buster Cherry
The Sex Mad Russian By Ivantor Titsoff
The Anxious Moment By R.U. Cummin
The Old Fashioned Way By Ilene Back
The Rooster's Mistake By Rhoda Duck
Rip In The Matress By Mr. Completely
The Self-Made Man By Peter Long
The Sixty-Ninth Romance By E.R. French
Back To Back By Will E. Tyrn
Love Thy Own Self By O.E. Pullit and Howie Pullit
Vacation In France By Hugo Down
Paree', I Give My Life To Thee By Ben Eaten
The Great Rubber Failure By Iva Child
The German's Favorite Spot By Herr Bottom
The Ideal Husband By John Henry Everhard
How To Reduce A Fat Woman By Ryder Moore
Birth Control By Iona Syringe
Teen Mother By Pasteur Period
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #6
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was once a rich man who knew that, within a month, he would die
of cancer. So he invited three of his best friends, an engineer, a doctor,
a lawyer, to a bequest. The dying man said, "I have worked hard for my
entire life, for money, and as such I have decided that I want to be buried
with it. However, since the state prohibits all objects from being placed
in the casket, except for the deceased and one set of clothing, I will
need your help." He continued, "Therefore, I will give each of you $1
million. On the day of the funeral, each of you will approach the casket
and secretly throw the money into the casket." The three friends took
the money and left. A month later, after the funeral, the three remaining
friends gathered at a bar to drown their sorrow. The engineer broke the
silence and said, "I have to confess. Times have been hard lately, so I
kept $10,000 for myself. I can't believe that I was so weak, I'm truly
sorry ..." The doctor, moved by his friend's confession, also spoke up.
"I've also betrayed our friend's memory," he sobbed. "My wife wanted
another BMW, so I took out $40,000 ..." After they settled down, both
the engineer and the doctor looked at the lawyer, who had yet to reveal
any indiscretions. The lawyer immediately got indignant at the stares he
was getting and said, "Don't think that because I am a lawyer that I would
rip him off like you two did." He continued, "I did my part - I threw in
a check for the full $1 million."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a indian squaw came across a new water well that had some of the
best water that she had found. She collected some of the water and took it
back to her husband. The Squaw said, "I have found new well with good water.
Have some." Her husband responded, "Me very thirsty; let me taste water."
He gulped the water down and said, "Water very good, but strong brave
husband still thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." The squaw fetched more
water from the new well, returned some time later, and said, "Here is more
water for brave husband." Her husband replied, "Big brave very thirsty,"
as he gulped down the water. He then said, "Water very good, but strong
brave -still- thirsty. Squaw fetch more water." So the squaw went back to
the well, returned some time later, and said to her husband, "I could not
get more water for brave husband." Her husband responded, "Why is that? Has
new well already gone dry?" The squaw replied, "No, white man sitting on
well."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harold suspected his wife of playing around on the side, so one day he took
the afternoon off and comes home extra early. He entered his apartment,
which was on the 3rd floor, and started looking around. Upon entering the
bedroom he found his wife laying in bed. On her nightstand was a lit ciga-
rette. In the ashtray on his nightstand, on the other side of the bed,
there was another lit cigarette. Harold went beserk. After beating his wife
upside the head, he proceeded to search the apartment. It was not long
before he spotted a pair of hands hanging on the window sill, outside
the bedroom. He grabbed one of the ashtrays and pounded on the hands until
the battered fingers let go. Despite falling thirty feet the cuckold was
still alive and trying to crawl away. Now worried that he might go to jail
if his wife's lover lived to tell the police, Harold ran into the kitchen
and pushed the refrigerator into the bedroom and out the window. He was
so worked up, and the refrigerator was so heavy, that the effort of
pushing it out the window gave poor Harold a heart attack, and he died.
When Harold arrived at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asked Harold what had
happened to him. Harold told his story, and Peter let him in. Soon there-
after a second guy showed up for admission to Heaven. When St. Peter asked
him why he was there, he said "I don't know what happened, I was a window
cleaner. I was working on the fifth floor of an apartment building when
my safety strap broke and I fell. I caught myself on the ledge of a 3rd
floor apartment. Then somebody smashed my hands and made me fall to the
sidewalk. I was stunned, but okay. The next thing I know, I look up and
there is a refrigerator coming down at me ..." He too was allowed in.
It was not long before a third potential angel approached the gates.
St. Peter asked the third guy, "What happened to you?" The guy said,
"I don't know. I was sitting in this refrigerator minding my own
business ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Mr. Smith,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model
and represent our product - TROJAN CONDOMS. Although your general apearance
is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feel that your wearing our pro-
duct does not portray a positive, romantic image of our product. A loose,
baggy and wrinkled condom is not considered romantic. We did admire your
efforts to firm it up by using polygrip, but even then it slipped off
before we could get a photograph taken. We would like to note, however,
that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle grip until now.
We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by some chance we
decide there is a market for micro-mini condoms. We send our greetings
deepest sympathy to your wife and/or girlfriend.
Very truly yours,
Jack Meoff
President
P.S. Remember our slogans: "Cover your stump before you hump."
"Don't be silly, protect your willy."
"Before you attack her, wrap your whacker."
"If you are not going to sack it, go home
and whack it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you keep from being bitten by a tsetse fly?
A: Keep your tsetse covered at all times!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did Princess Grace have that Natalie Wood could have used?
A: A stroke.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After the football game, an Aggie went out with his friends for beers and
maybe to get a piece of ass. He came back with a chunk of skin ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill and I went golfing the other day. We were in the middle of the sixth
fairway when stopped in midswing and took off his hat in deference to a
funeral procession that was passing by. Usually, he just played on ignoring
all distractions. Impressed with his behavior, I did the same. When the
procession had passed, I asked him, "Bill, that was damn respectful of you
to pause for a procession like that. Why the unusual behavior?" "It's the
least I could do for my wife ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do tampons have strings?
A: So that the crabs can go bunji jumping.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a dumb blonde who went to see her doctor. When the time came
for the pelvic exam, he nearly fell in. You see, she thought she was
suppossed to have three hearty -males- per day ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did all the other Iraqis laugh at Hakim when they caught him fucking
a sheep?
A: Because he picked one of the ugly ones.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the first warning sign of old age?
A: When you've been in bed all night with a woman and the dawn comes, but
you haven't.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's jello?
A: Kool aid with a hard-on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you sneak up on a celery?
A: Stalk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the tight end who was sentenced to a prison term? When
he was paroled he was a wide receiver.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did God create man?
A: Because you can't teach a dildo to cut the lawn.
Q: Why did create woman?
A: Because you can't teach a sheep to cook.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An polack walked into a travel agency and demanded the special Hawaiian
tour. The travel agent said, "I'm sorry, I handle Caribbean cruises. Hawaiin
tours are just through the door." So the polack opened the door. As he was
walking through the door, someone hit him over the head, knocking him uncon-
cious, stole his wallet, and threw him in the dumpster. Later that day,
an aggie walked into the same travel agency and asked for the same Hawaiian
tour. Again, the travel agent explained that he handled cruises and sent
the aggie to the office next door. As soon as the aggie opened the door,
he got the same treatment. When the polack and the aggie woke up, they found
themselves floating in the middle of the ocean on a small raft. The aggie
looked at polack and asked, "I wonder if they'll fly us back?" The polack
responded knowingly, "They didn't last year ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have nothing against Michael Jackson, but if my son ever goes around
wearing just one glove, he better be playing baseball!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If you jogged backward would you gain weight?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since the Post Office implemented mandatory random drug testing, not one
carrier has tested positive for speed ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ever notice that when the doorbell rings, the dog's the first one to the
door, but it's never for him?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One morning, the county sheriff was having a cup of coffee at the donut shop,
when all of a sudden a kid on a tricycle zoomed down the street. The sheriff
was so startled he spilled coffee all over himself, but the tricycle was gone
before anything could be done; it had been going at least 50. Later that
afternoon while the sheriff was enjoying a nap behind a billboard, the
same boy zoomed by again, doing about 70. The sheriff was again startled,
but decided he ought to do something before the kid sideswiped a semi.
So the sheriff set up a speed trap. No sooner had the sheriff finished,
than the kid came screaming down the sidewalk about 80! The sheriff spun
gravel and hauled ass after the speeding tricycle. The kid immediately
pulled over. "Did ya'll know thah ya'll wus SPEE-ding?" drawled the sheriff,
"And how did ya'll git thah tri-CEE-cle tuh go thah fast anyway?" The little
boy replied, "There's a little motor under the seat." "Like hail!" said
the sheriff, who proceeded to look under the seat. "Wuhl I'll be damned!"
said the sheriff, "Whuh did ya'll git such a pow-ful little mohtuh?" "I got
it from an artificial lung," said the boy. "Ya'll papa let ya'll do thah?
Didn't he have a thing tuh say 'bout thah?" "No," said the boy, "He just
said 'U-u-u-u-uhhhhh ...'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs:
In a butcher shop? Chuck.
In the mail? Bill.
On a circuit board? Chip.
In a hole? Phil.
On the wall? Art.
(Two guys) on a window sill? Curt & Rod.
Lying in a pile of leaves? Russel.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you do with a legless dog?
A: Take him for a drag.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three gays are driving around San Francisco, when they had to stop for a
red light. Unfortunately, the large semi-trailer behind them burned out
his breaks on the steep downgrade and slammed into the back of the gays'
car. Bruce, the gay who was driving, looked at his buddies and asked if
they were okay. One friend, Harvey, complained of a sore neck. So Bruce
jumped out of the car, stormed up to the truck, and pounded on the door
saying, "I hope you've got good insurance buddy, my friend is really hurt!"
The truck driver, a real road hog, rolled down the window and said, "Suck
my motherfucking dick, you faggot!" Bruce just smiled and pranced back to
his car. "We're in luck fellas," said Bruce, "he wants to settle out of
court ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was Liberace buried with his ass sticking out of the ground?
A: So his friends could drop by for a cold one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Rock Hudson and Len Bias have in common?
A: They both died of a bad case of crack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill the Cat
_ __/|
\'o.O'
=(___)=
U
; '
'
'
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young man, in love with a girl he wanted to make love to, was so ashamed
of his small penis that he was afraid of bringing up the question, or of
letting her see him naked. One dark night he drove her around in his car
and parked in a dark lane. As they kissed, he surreptitiously opened his
fly and put his weapon in her hand. "Thanks," she said, "But you know I
don't smoke."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
BANANA CAKE RECIPE
Ingredients:
2 laughing eyes
2 loving arms
2 well shaped legs
1 large banana
2 firm milk containers
1 fur lined mixing bowl.
Method:
1. Look into laughing eyes
2. Spread well shaped legs apart
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently
4. Add banana and gently work in and out until well greased
5. Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
Note:
The cake is done when the banana is soft. Make sure to wash utensils and
do not lick the bowl.
Important:
If the cake starts to rise, leave town.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night, Luke Duke picked up Daisy at the bar. They were on their
way to the local lover's lane when a traffic light changed from green to
red. Luke gunned the engine and sped through the red light. Curious, Daisy
asked, "Why did you do that?" Luke just said, "Don't worry, my brother does
it all the time." At the next intersection, the light changed again. Again
they sped through it. Daisy, starting to reconsider the wisdom of being in
the same vehicle as Luke, asked, "Why do you keep doing that?" "Don't
worry," replied Luke, "my brother drives like this." At the next inter-
section, the last one in the town with a light, the light turned green.
As all the other pick-up trucks started moving, Luke screeched to a rubber
burning halt. Daisy, by now in a panic, screamed, "What are you doing?!"
Replied Luke, "I have to be careful; my bother might be coming the other
way ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you have a brain, or is that just a walnut stuck in your skull?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night at a bar in San Francisco, a sailor and marine, both on shore
leave, started arguing about which service was better, who could drink more,
who had the bigger dick, etc. Well, needless to say, the bartender stepped
in and said, "Okay, let's settle this once and for all; whip em' out!" So
the two guys whipped their dicks out and laid them on the bar. Just then
a fag walked in. The bartender told the two guys to hold on for a sec while
he served the fag. The bartender asked the fag what he'd have. "Well, I was
going to have a white wine spritzer," the fag lisped as he looked down
the bar at the two guys with their cranks hanging out, "but now I think
I'll have the buffet."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, I went and did it. I called one of those 1-900 phone sex lines. The
call wasn't all that bad; just one bad side-effect: I had one hell of an
ear infection the next day!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night three vampires entered a bar. When the bartender asked them what
they would like to drink, the first vamipire said he wanted a pint of blood,
the second vampire said that he too would have a pint of blood, and the last
vampire said he'd have a pint of plasma. The bartender took a step back and
said, "Let me see if I got this right. That's two bloods and a blood-lite?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
TELECOMMUNICATIONS DICTIONARY
Term Definition.
----- ---------------
Modem ................. What landscapers do to dem lawns.
Token Ring ............ A virtual engagement gift.
Ethernet .............. A device for catching the Ether Bunny.
DataPac ............... A size 14 girl in a size 8 bikini.
Asynch ................ A place to wash your hands.
Bysnch ................ The place where Elton John washes his hands.
BBS ................... Tall tales told by insects that produce honey.
ASCII ................. The ancient god of telecommunications. Rumored to
give vast amounts of data to believers. Hence,
the phrase "ASCII and you shall receive."
Block Parity .......... One heck of a good time.
Carrier Detect ........ Raison d'etre for premarital blood tests.
File Transfer ......... Procedure followed by INFORMATION CENTER staff who
are tired of their present jobs.
Hayes Compatible ...... Prone to riding with a grizzled old cowhand who
sings off-key. Gene Autry is the industry standard.
Serial Interface ...... A spoon.
Terminal Emulation .... A function performed by a canary that lays on its
back with its legs in the air.
X-Modem ............... A device on the losing end of an encounter with
lightning.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is no ice in the Texas A&M cafeteria because the aggie with the recipe
graduated ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, Little Saddam was riding his donkey when and he pulled into the
donkey store and said to the owner, "Hey, can you check the asshole on my
donkey?" The guy in the store looked at the donkey's asshole and said,
"There's nothing wrong, why did you think there was?" "Well," said Little
Saddam, "I was riding along minding my own business when two shieks said
`look at the asshole on that donkey.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are lawyers buried 24 feet deep?
A: Because deep down they're nice people.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the accountant who was half Jewish, and half Polish? He
embezzled the accounts payable ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have found the perfect woman,
I could not ask for more,
She is deaf, dumb, oversexed,
And she owns a liquor store.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three yuppers, Sven, Ole and Karl, were sitting in a boat fishing.
It was a grey autumn morning, a light drizzle fell from the skies and the
lake reflected like the color of old pewter. The fishermen became dazed,
hypnotized by the mesmerizing act of watching thier lines. Karl fell out
of the boat. Five minutes went by ... Ten minutes went by ... Fifteen
minutes went by ... "Hey," said Sven, "where's Karl?" "Oh My God!" cried
Ole, "He's fallen into the lake!" So Sven stripped off his raincoat and
heavy jacket and leapt into the water, diving frantically to find his
missing pal. A minute later, Sven surfaced and heaved the limp and dripping
wet lost fisherman into the boat. Ole immediately began CPR. "Hey," said Ole
as he came up for air, "I don't remember Karl's breath being -that- bad."
"Hey," scowled Sven, "Come to think of it, I don't remember Karl being
dressed in a snowmobile suit either ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An eight year old girl tried checking a book out of the library, titled
'Advice for Young Mothers.' The librarian, being a typically nosey and
puritanical librarian, asked, "Why do you want to check out this particular
book, dear?" The little girl replied, "Because I collect moths."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two maintenance men, Pat O'Brien and Ivan Petrovich were working around on
the launch pad of the space shuttle one day, when Pat noticed some fuel
leaking from one of the o-ring seals. Ivan immediately notified mission
control, which instructed Ivan and Pat to try to contain the fuel spill
until NASA could figure out what else to do. So, Pat and Ivan started
putting buckets, cans, jars, and whatever else they could find, under the
leaking engines. After several hours (it took the NASA bureaucracy -long-
time to figure out who to blame) Ivan decided to taste the fuel.
Ivan: "Hey, Pat! Take a sip of this shit. It ain't half-bad."
Pat: "Are you crazy?"
Ivan: "No, really. It's kinda like vodka or something."
Pat: "Hey, you're right! This -is- good stuff ..."
Ivan: "Yea, and I think I'm getting a good buzz off it too ..."
So, Pat and Ivan continued to consume their new-found source of entertain-
ment. The fuel spill was quickly disposed of. The next morning, Ivan got a
phone call.
Ivan: "Hello?"
Pat: "Hey Ivan, how are feeling?"
Ivan: "Pretty good, actually. I don't have a hangover or nuthin'!"
Pat: "Have you gone to the bathroom yet?"
Ivan: "No, why?"
Pat: "Because I'm calling you from Australia ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a fat Chinese girl?
A: A chunk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How are jello and woman alike?
A: They both wiggle when you eat them.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night a travelling salesman found that he had stayed on the road
too long, and that he was stranded in the middle farm country with no place
to sleep. Naturally, he sought refuge at the nearest farm house. The farmer
agreed to let him stay, but only as long as "you don't sneak upstairs to my
daughter's room." The salesman promised but, as with all travelling sales-
men, he found it hard to resist the lure of a farmer's daughter.
In the middle of the night the salesman crept up the stairs to the
daughter's room, where he found her naked, spread-eagled on the bed. The
salesman immediately dove between her legs and started eating her out. He
had just gotten his tongue wet, when he got a mouthful of rice. Undeterred,
he spit out the rice and resumed his tongue lashing. Once again, he got
a mouthful of rice. Puzzled, but still horny, he started eating her out
again. When he got another mouthful of rice, and still no response from
the daughter, the salesman gave up and went back to bed.
The next morning the salesman told the farmer, "I have to confess:
Last night I went up to your daughter's room." "That's okay son," replied
the kindly, old farmer. "And I have to confess that I had oral sex with
her," continued the salesman. "I ain't got a quarrel with that, son,"
replied the kindly, old farmer. "But I have just one question," concluded
the salesman, "Why is it that every time I ate her, I kept getting a mouth-
ful of rice?" "Oh that?" said the kindly, old farmer, "Them's maggots -
she's been dead ten years."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb??
A: Two - One to do it, and one to write a sensitive folk song about it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After months of scrimping and bargain hunting to make ends meet, a woman
begged her tight-fisted husband to give her some shopping money. "Can't you
just give me an extra ten dollars so I can buy a roast?" she asked. Her
husband pulled a ten-dollar bill from his pocket and held it up to the
mirror. "See the money in the mirror? That's yours. And this," he said,
putting the ten-spot back in his pocket, "is mine." The next evening, he
went home to find the table filled with a Roman feast of glazed ham, stuffed
hens, fresh fruit, steaming veggies, baked alaska, etc, etc, etc. "Where
did you get the money for all this?" the husband barked. His wife took him
to the mirror. "See this body in the mirror? That's yours. And this one," she
said, pulling off her dress, "is the grocer's."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, a man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie
appeared. The genie offered him one wish (he was a stingy genie). "I want
to be rock hard and get plenty of ass for the rest of my life," said the
man. So the genie turned him into a toilet.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
RIDDLE
Q: A man is in the middle of a basketball court, bleeding from the temple,
and unconscious. How did it happen?
A: Bill Laimbeer elbowed him ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At a football game between Southern Methodist and Notre Dame, two Texans,
Bo and Jimbob, were seated behind two nuns. Bo said to his friend, "I can't
wait to get back to Dallas. There are only ten Catholics there." "I can't
wait to get back to Houston. There are only five Catholics there," replied
Jimbob. This went on for quite some time before one of the nuns finally lost
her temper and hissed, "Why don't you go to hell? There aren't any catholics
there!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You were so ugly as a kid that, on Halloween, your mother put peanut butter
around your lips and sent you out as an asshole!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young lady went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor started looking
her over and noticed a rash, in the shape of a "Y," on her chest. When he
asked her to explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh
... my boyfriend goes to Yale, and ... er ... well, he likes to make love
with his sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her
a tube 'Rash-Away.' A few days later, a second young lady went to see the
same doctor. When the doctor started examining the second young lady, he
noticed she had an "H"-shaped rash on her chest. When he asked her to
explain its origin, she stammered, "Well ... you see ... uh ... my boy-
friend goes to Harvard, and ... well, he likes to make love with his
sweater on." "That's no problem," said the doctor, as he gave her a tube
of 'Rash-Away.' A few weeks later, a third young lady went to the same
doctor. When the doctor started checking her over, he noticed she had an
"M"-shaped rash. "Don't tell me," said the doctor, "Your boyfriend goes
to Michigan and he likes to make love with his sweater on ..." "Well, not
exactly," said the woman. "My girlfriend goes to Wisconsin and ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE ITALIAN WHO WENT TO DETROIT
One day ima go to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Igo down to eat breakfast. I
tella the waitress, "I wanna two piss's toast." She bring only one piss. I
tella her, "I wanna two piss." She say, "Go to the toilet." I say, "You no
understand. I wanna two piss in my plate." She say, "You better no piss on
the plate, you sonnamabitch!" I don't even know the lady and she call me a
sonnamabitch! Later, I go to eat lunch at a fancy restaurant. The waitress
bringa me a spoon ana knife, but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She
tellsa me, "Everybody wanna fock." I tella her, "You no understand. I wanna
fock on the table." She say, "You better not fock on the table, you sonnama-
bitch!" So I go back to my room in the hotel, and there's no sheet on my
bed! I calla the manager and tella him I wanna sheet. He tella me to go to
the toilet, so I say, "You no understand, I wanna sheet on the bed." He
say, "You better not sheet on the bed, you sonnamabitch!" I finally fedda
up and go to check out. The man at the desk, he say, "Peace to you." I say,
Piss onna you too, you sonnamabitch! I go back to Italy ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does an elephant have four feet?
A: Because he would look stupid with eight inches.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
A: The wrinkles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One weekend, a yupper and an aggie were arguing about who had the best way
of folding a parachute. They finally decided the best way to judge would be
to go up in a plane, jump out, and see which parachute performed better.
So they both went up and jumped out of the plane at the same time. The yupper
pulled his ripcord first; the parachute opened and he began drifting slowly
towards the ground. Then the aggie pulled his ripcord, but nothing happened!
The aggie plummeted past the yupper. Cutting his parachute risers, the
yupper yelled, "Oh, so you wanna -RACE- now, eh?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a polack and a mexican?
A: A kid who spraypaints chainlink fences.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young lady from Sidney,
Who liked it right up to her kidney,
A man from Quebec,
Shoved it up to her neck,
He had a big one, now didn't he?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHE HAD PLENTY OF LIFE INSURANCE.
UNFORTUNATELY, HER PIMP DIED.
Today, almost every hooker understands how important it is to have life
insurance. The streets can get pretty rough. But what if your pimp is
offed? Who's going to find you new johns? Who's going to supply your smack?
Clearly, his loss would create financial hardships for you and the two
mulatto kids he left behind. With Metropolitan Street Life's new "WHORE
PLUS PLAN," a prostitute can get permanent insurance protection that pro-
vides door-to-door Cadillac service, up to three fixes daily, and a big,
bad motherfucker with a gun - just as if your main man was still around.
What do we ask in return for a safe future? 50% of the action. That's pro-
bably a better deal than he gave you. And we won't beat you upside the head.
METROPOLITAN STREET LIFE INSURANCE COMPANIES
"Professionals Helping Professionals"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the two little old ladies feeding pigeons in the park?
Suddenly, a streaker flashed past! One little old lady had a stroke, the
other wasn't quick enough ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two women were sitting next to each other, under the hair dryers in a beauty
shop. One turned to the other and said, "Tell me, do you and your husband
have mutual orgasm?" The other woman said, "Oh no, we have State Farm."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two polack junkies, shooting up heroin in a back alley, kept passing the
same needle to each other. After awhile, one polack said, "Hey, what we're
doing is a high risk activity for aids!" The other replied, "Don't worry,
we're wearing condoms."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a lady walked into a Sears store and asked for a hinge for her
door. "Do you want a screw for this hinge?" inquired the clerk. The lady
looked around the store and replied, "No, but I'll screw you for that
oven ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Frank Zappa on Rock Stars:
"All you have to do today, is grab yer guitar, hold it like its your
weenie, aim it heavenward and play everything you can in 30 seconds."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You don't buy beer, you rent it ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Harry went to a doctor to have his knees examined. "What are you doing
that's making your knees so raw?" asked the doctor. "Well ... I like to
do it doggie style, doc, and ... well ... I just can't get enough," answered
Harry. Concerned, the doctor advised Harry to "Take it a little easier."
Two weeks later, Harry went back for a follow-up exam; his knees were even
worse - dripping puss and blood. Aghast, the doctor had a hard time con-
trolling his temper. "What the hell are you doing?" said the doctor. "I told
you doc," Harry meekly replied, "I love to do it doggie style." The doctor,
his anger spent, said, "Damn, son, can't you turn her over?" Surprised,
Harry replied, "Hell no doc, have you ever smelled a dog's breath?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two travelling salesmen, Jack and Bob, were driving through along a
desolate stretch of Kansas highway when their car broke down. It was getting
late, and the only building for miles around was a weather-battered old gas
station a mile up the road. Jack and Bob went up to the adjacent trailor and
knocked on the door. A knarled, old, baggy-titted widow answered the door.
"Ma'am," said Jack, "Our car broke down. Do you think we could stay here
tonight?" "Well," said the widow, "I only have one bed. One of you can sleep
with me, but the other will have to sleep on the porch. Y'all decide who
sleeps where ..."
Jack and Bob both knew that whoever slept in the widow's bed would have
to screw her ugly, gnarled body, so they flipped a quarter to see who got
the dubious honor. Bob lost and so he slept on the porch. Jack tentatively
crawled under the sheets. The widow lost no time tearing Jack's clothes off
(something he had conveniently neglected to do). "Wait a minute," said Jack,
"I like to do it in the dark." The widow agreed and so Jack got up to turn
out the lights. That was when he noticed a bucket full of corn beside the
bed. When he crawled back under the covers, Jack grabbed an ear of corn and
started screwing the widow with it. Thw widow, being rather 'wide,' did not
notice the difference - she started moaning and screaming. Bob, sleeping
outside, heard all the commotion and crept up to the window so he could
better hear the action.
Inside, every time the corn got soggy, Jack threw it out the window.
The widow, who hadn't had a man in decades, was insatiable and so the corn-
screwing went on all night. The next morning, their car repaired, Jack and
Bob were driving along, when Bob started giggling. "What's so funny?" asked
Jack. Bob started guffawing. "What the hell is so funny?" shouted Jack. Bob,
finally regaining control of himself, said, "Last night while you had to
screw that ugly widow, I was a laying back eating buttered corn!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A maid arrived at work one day to find Leona Helmsley hanging from the
ceiling, with one hand grasping the chandelier, and the other clenched
tightly around her throat. Under her dangling feet was an overturned chair.
Her tongue was blue and protruding. She was obviously dead. As the coroner
took the deceased Leona away, the maid said to a paramedic, "She always was
a cheap bitch ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the whale found on the beach? I was listening on the
radio the other day when I heard that the Sea World veternarian had deter-
mined the cause of death to be AIDS. The vet said that he couldn't figure
out how a whale had come down with such a disease. The only conclusion he
could draw was that it must have been rammed by a ferry ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marvin was the world's oldest virgin. After years and years of putting ads
in singles' papers and enlisting in dating services, he was nearly penni-
less. In desperation, he went to a whorehouse. "Lady," Marvin said to the
madam, "I'm desperate. I need to get laid - and all I got is this quarter!"
The madam, like all madams, had a heart of gold. She said, "I'm here to
help you. Go see the girl in the last room ... And keep the change." So,
Marvin went down the hall to the last room. There he found a fat, ugly
whore, naked, spread-eagled on the bed. But Marvin didn't care, he just
wanted to screw. So, he tore off his clothes and dove between her legs.
Marvin had just begun to the eat out the whore when he got a mouthfull
of beef. So intent was Marvin on getting laid, he thought nothing of it;
he spit out the beef and resumed tongue lashing the whore. A minute later
Marvin got a mouthfull of carrots. Even though he was starting to get a
little worried, Marvin was still more horny than worried - he spit out
the carrots and returned to eating the whore. Within seconds, Marvin got
a mouthfull of peas. Spitting out the peas he yelled, "What's the matter?
Are you sick or something?" "No," replied the whore, "but the guy before
you was ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Some notes on friends:
1) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose!
2) You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
roll your friends into little green balls!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Scotsman was on a fishing trip in the northwoods of Canada. "What's that
over yon'?" the Scotsman asked of his guide. "That's a moose, eh," said the
guide. "Aye!" exclaimed the Scotsman, with raised eyebrow. "If that be a
moose, I'd be sure an to hate to see your rats!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man named Smith stopped by the doctor's office to see what the doc found
wrong with Mrs. Smith. The doctor told Mr. Smith that he had treated two
Mrs. Smith's that day, and that the secretary had mixed up their records.
"Your wife," continued the dcotor, "either has AIDS or Alzheimer's." Mr.
Smith asked, "How do I tell which one my wife has?" "Take her out in the
woods," said the doctor, "and leave her there. If she finds her way back
home, don't screw her."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Add a scoop of ice cream and some root beer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her young
charges, and she asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. A
twelve year old said, "I want to be a prostitute." The Mother Superior
fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived her, she raised her head
from the ground and gasped, "What-did-you-say?!" The young girl shrugged,
"I want to be a prostitute." "A prostitute!" the Mother Superior said. "Oh
praise sweet Jesus! And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you double the price of a yugo?
A: Fill up the gas tank.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The foreman at the sawmill wasn't eager to hire the blind man because of
the obvious risks involved, but the guy begged for a chance. "You'll see,"
he said. "Just put me downstream of the saw and and I'll smell the type and
length of the lumber and stack it accordingly."
So the foreman agreed to give it a shot. Positioning the blind man, he
sent down a twelve-foot piece of pine. "Ahhh ..." said the man, breathing
in deeply, "pine, twelve-foot." And he stacked it in the right place. The
foreman repeated the test with oak and redwood, fir and mohagony, and the
blind guy didn't miss once. Then, getting a sly look on his face, the fore-
man sent for the office secretary, old Mabel, and told her to hike up her
skirts and ride down the conveyor belt.
Mabel rode through, faceup, right past the blind man. Sniffing furiously
and looking very puzzled, he asked that the last piece of wood be sent
through again. The foreman complied, but not before telling Mabel, skirt
still up, to turn over. After a few moments of reflection, the blind man
turned to the foreman with a with a triumphant smile. "I've got it!" he
proclaimed, "That's the shithouse door from a tuna boat!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Carpenter's Joke
Did you hear about the house that the two lesbians built? Not a single stud
was used. It was all tounge and groove.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: No one cries when you slice up a lawyer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did they stop the leper baseball game?
A: Someone dropped a ball in left field.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Advice is like bullshit - everyone wants to give you a load of it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, three baby boys were born in the hospital, at the same time, and
the nurses got them mixed up. They were Jewish, Polish and German. Everyone
stood around wondering how to sort them out, when the German father stepped
forward, clicked his heals, and shouted, "Achtung!" The german baby jumped
up, threw his hand in the air, and replied "Seig Heil!" The Jewish baby shit
his diapers and the Polish baby played in it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the hardest key to turn?
A: A don-key.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How does a male octopus ask a female octopus to marry him?
A: Can I have your hand, your hand, your hand, your hand ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's cute when a two-year old kid spits jello at you - It's not cute when
your 98-year old great-grandmother spits jello at you ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a guy named Benny. He was sitting in the bleachers at Fenway
one day when Wade Boggs hit a homerun. He told the guy next to him, Eddie,
that he knew everyone. Eddie seriously doubted this and bet twenty dollars
Benny did not know Wade Boggs. So, after the game, they went to the club-
house where the great third baseman shook Benny's hand and invited him out
for beers. Eddie was impressed, but not satisfied; he bet $1000 that Benny
did not know the President of the United States. So, Benny and Eddie went
to the White House, where the President invited them to a State Dinner
honoring the Queen of England. Eddie was astonished! Still he was doubtful
that Benny knew -EVERYONE-. He bet a million dollars that Benny did not know
the Pope. So, Benny and Eddie went to St. Peter's Square in Rome. There the
Pope was saying mass for 100,000 people. Benny walked up and stood behind
the Pope. After the mass, just as the Pope embraced Benny warmly, Benny
noticed Eddie fainting. Benny rushed over to Eddie and woke him up with
smelling salts. "What happened Eddie?" Benny asked. Eddie replied, "I was
surprised when you knew Wade Boggs, and shocked when you knew the President,
but when a guy tapped me on the shoulder and asked, 'Who is that guy with
Benny?'..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. I get no respect -
my doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I call my dog Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: On what side of a building does the sun always shine?
A: The outside.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the parakeet say when he finished shopping?
A: Just put it on my bill.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
She was so ugly, that when she worked in a pet store people kept asking
how big she would get ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does it take a turkey less time than an elephant to get ready for
a trip?
A: Because he only takes his comb, and the elephant takes a trunk.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A budget is a plan for going broke methodically.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I tell ya' I get no respect. I was making love to this girl and she started
crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said,
"No - I hate myself NOW ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Italian who found a new way to cover up the smell
of his breath? He holds up his arms ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Grandmother always had a twinkle in her eyes. Turns out it was
cataracts ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What state is most like a tiny cola?
A: Minne-soda.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was tired one night, so I went to a bar to have a few drinks. I tell ya'
I get no respect. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" When I said,
"Surprise me," he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The hillbilly wedding ceremony had just concluded. The groom thrust his hand
into the pocket of his tattered overalls and asked the preacher what he owed
him. "In these here parts, we don't charge for no hitchin', but you kin pay
accordin' to your bride's beauty," the preacher beamed. So, the groom handed
the preacher a dollar bill. Whereupon, the preacher raised the bride's veil,
took a look and dug into his own pocket. "Here's fifty cents change."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
John and Mike entered the Boston Marathon. After they'd been running for
awhile, they were passed by another runner. "I know that guy," John said,
"That's Bill Rodgers - he won the race a couple of years ago." A few minutes
later, another racer passed them with long, loping strides. "And that was
Grete Waitz!" John exclaimed. Just then, ambulance sirens began to wail in
the distance, and a runner sprinted by so quickly that he was just a blur.
"Who was THAT?" Mike asked. "Him?" John answered. "He's some lawyer ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
When a man was reading the newspaper, his wife asked, "Will you still love
me when I'm old and gray?" "Sure I do," he mumbled.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman walked into a savings & loan and said to the loan officer, "I'd like
to talk to you about a loan." "Great!" the ecstatic loan officer replied,
"How much can you give us?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My ex-wife was so ugly that after we got divorced, she got a job in prison
curing sex offenders.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's Pee-Wee Herman's favorite baseball team?
A: The Montreal Expos.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #7
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do passionate women put behind thier ears to attract men?
A: Thier ankles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man visited his doctor and complained of feeling bad. Because there were
no apparent medical problems, the doctor gave the patient a thorough exam;
he found nothing wrong. After thinking on the situation for a few minutes,
the doctor asked the patient about his diet. "Tell me what you typically
eat for breakfast," the doctor said. "Oh, a pound of bacon, a dozen eggs,
a loaf of toasted bread, two or three pots of coffee. And maybe six or
seven dounuts if I'm really hungry." "That's a pretty big breakfast," the
doctor said. "What do you eat for lunch?" "Nine or ten hamburgers, four or
five milkshakes, and a pie or two." The doctor was amazed. "And what do
you have for dinner?" "That's my big meal," said the patient. "I usually
have three or four helpings of salad, four or five steaks, five or six
baked potatoes, eight or nine dinner rolls and five or six pots of coffee."
The doctor shook his head and said, "Drop your pants again; then turn
around and bend over." The man did so and after the doctor looked closely
he told the guy, "There's your problem! You have only one asshole ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The best investment of the savings and loan industry was in the U.S.
Congress.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Hiroshima, Nagasaki and Baghdad have in common?
A: Nothing - yet ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were jewish, what would cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three men - Myron the lawyer, Vinnie the teamster, and J.D. the aggie -
proposed marriage to an eligible young lady. Mary couldn't decide which
proposal to accept (Myron had a prestigious job, Vinnie was a manly man,
and J.D. the aggie was filthy rich), so she told them, "We'll have a con-
test. I'll marry whoever brings me the most ping-pong balls." A couple of
days later, Myron the lawyer came back with an attache case full of ping-
pong balls. "Would you please marry me, please?" Myron begged. Mary was
about to accede to Myron when they heard a rumble outside. Vinnie the
teamster huffed into Mary's apartment and threw open the curtain. There,
on the lawn, were his buddies unloading crate after crate of ping-pong
balls from a huge semi. "Yo," growled Vinnie, "Why don't youse marry me?"
Totally surprised, Mary told Vinnie the teamster, "Well it looks like it's
going to be you and me, but I want to be fair; we have to wait for J.D." It
was a long wait. Several months later, J.D. the aggie showed up. His clothes
were in rags, his body a mass of cuts and bruises, but J.D. was carrying two
HUGE round objects on his shoulders. "What happened to you?" Mary asked J.D.
"I waited all this time," she cried, "and you didn't even bring me any ping-
pong balls!" "Ping-pong balls?" said J.D. the aggie, "I thought you said
King Kong's balls ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell when a jewish couple is having sex doggy-style?
A: He sits up and begs, then she rolls over and plays dead.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three recently deceased college graduates, one from Harvard, one from Baylor
and the last from Texas A&M, showed up at the Pearly Gates. The Gates were
in desperate need of repair, so St. Peter asked the three potential angels
to make a bid on the repair project. Since they all agreed, St. Peter gave
each of them a copy of the specs and said, "Study them overnight and have
your bids ready in the morning." The next morning, St. Peter asked the
three, "What are your bids?" The aggie bid $3,000. "What's the breakdown?"
St. Peter asked. "A thousand for labor, a thousand for materials, and a
thousand for overhead and profit," replied the aggie. St. Peter jotted down
the figures and asked the Harvard man, "What's your bid?" After the Harvard
man replied "Six thousand" St. Peter asked him for the breakdown. "Two for
labor, two for material and two for overhead and profit." St. Peter, frown-
ing at the second bid, turned to the Baylor grad and asked, "Can you do any
better?" "Nine thousand," said the Baylor grad. "NINE thousand?!" thundered
St. Peter, "What is YOUR breakdown?" The Baylor grad confidently replied,
"Three for you, three for me and three to get the aggie to do it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you tell a polish ladder from a normal one?
A: Polish ladders have "STOP" stenciled at the top.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the yupper that thought intercourse was a state highway?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza
with everybody on it ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A pilot and a blind guy went up in an airplane. Unfortunately, the pilot
had a heart attack and died. The blind guy radioed, "Mayday, Mayday!" to
the tower. "We have a dead pilot, I'm blind, and we're flying upside down!"
"How do you know you're upside down if you're blind?" the tower asked.
"Because the shit's running down my collar!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life is like a shit sandwich:
The more bread you have,
The less shit you have to eat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell if a pig is drunk?
A: She starts buying the drinks ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A mortician's daughter named Maddie,
Told an eager, but virginal, young laddie,
"If you do as I say,
We can have a great lay,
Since I've buried more stiffs than my daddy."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Bumper Sticker)
Divorce is the screwing you get for the screwing you got!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Early one spring, a saleswoman's car broke down in the middle of Northern
Michigan. After miles of walking, she found a farmhouse with two men sitting
on the front porch. "My car broke down; can I stay here tonight?" the sales-
woman asked the yuppers. "No problem," said Sven. "But you have to do a
favor for us, eh?" said Ole. The saleswoman agreed, adding "But you have
to wear these rubbers to keep me from getting pregnant." So the night
passed, and all concerned had a great amount of fun. The next day the sales-
woman got her car fixed and continued on her way. That fall, while they were
cutting wood, Sven turned to Ole and asked, "You know, what do we care if
that lady gets pregnant, eh?" "You know Sven," replied Ole, "I think you're
right. Why don't we take the rubbers off?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A grandfather went to visit his college-age grandson at the dorm. Grandpa
was astonished to find that his son was living a life of sin and corruption,
as shown by the very high-heeled shoe nailed over the doorway. "In my day,"
grumbled Gramps, "we would hang a horse shoe over the door for luck and then
study late into the night hoping to pass our classes." "But grandpa," replied
the grandson, "that is a whore's shoe ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daffynition)
Jewish Dilemma (n): Free ham.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three friends got together and went to Mexico for a holiday. While they
were there they were picked up for buying and smoking pot and were sent
before a firing squad. The Federales lined up the three young Texans and
put blindfolds on them. The boy from Rice thought 'I must do something to
get out of this,' so he jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Tornado!"
When the firing squad looked up, he ran away. The boy from Houston, not
thinking quite as quickly, jerked off his blindfold and yelled, "Cyclone!"
When the firing squad looked up, he ran away also. The aggie heard all
this going on and thought 'This will really fool them,' so he jerked off
his blindfold and yelled, "Fire!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the aggie that shot his dog? He heard that his best
friend was screwing his wife!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear that Milli Vanilli is putting out their autobiography? No
word, yet, on who the author(s) will be ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One fall, a group of gays went duck hunting in Canada. After shooting
several ducks, a game warden jumped out of the woods and asked the gays
for their hunting licenses. After showing the gays displayed the required
documents, the warden picked up a duck, stuck his finger up the its ass,
and announced, "You know this is a wood duck? You got a wood duck hunting
license, eh?" When one hunter produced a wood duck hunter's license, the
game warden stuck his finger up another duck's ass and announced, "This
is a mallard. You got a mallard hunting license, eh?" As another hunter
produced his mallard hunter's license, he asked the warden, "Why am I
being subjected to this abuse?" "Where you from, hoser?" asked the warden.
Whereupon the hunter turned around, bent over, and lisped, "Stick your
finger up there and find out for yourself."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's red, green and drips down the wall?
A: Granpa's final cough.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two fags havin a chat ...
Bruce: Guess what? I've given up smoking!
Lance: Oh Yeah? What do you do now, instead?
Bruce: I suck lifesavers.
Lance: Thats okay for you - you live close to the beach.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman was unable to conceive, so she went to her doctor. The doctor told
her about the latest medical discovery, and told her to swallow three ball
bearings. The very next day, the woman got pregnant. Not only was she preg-
gers, but she was expecting triplets! Nine months later, she had two daugh-
ters and a son - one for each ball bearing. Twelve years after that, the
first daughter came running up to her and said, "Mommy mommy, I was doing
a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The mother
thought that her daughter had started menstruating, so she replied, "Don't
worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine." A week after that,
the second daughter came running up to her mother and said, "Mommy mommy,
I was doing a pee in the toilet, and a little ball bearing fell out!" The
mother thought that her second daughter was also becomming a woman, so she
replied, "Don't worry. I know all about it, and everything will be fine."
A week after that, the only son came running up to his mother and said,
"Hey mom ..." The mother interrupted, and said, "Don't tell me ... You were
going to the bathroom, and a little ball bearing fell out?" "No, I was
upstairs playing with myself and I shot the cat!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
____
| |
__| |__
\ | | /
- ( | | ) -
___| |___
/ O \ __
| _______ | Original by /_/ ,
| | | | / \ene
__| | | |__
|____| |____|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
If American ships bear the intials 'USS', standing for "United States Ship,"
and if a British ship's name starts with 'HMS', for "Her Majesty's Ship,"
what does the Italian designation 'DMB' stand for?
(Answer: "Datsa my boat")
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Money can't buy friendship, but it can get you a better class of enemy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would Be Lothario: "I love you terribly!"
Disappointed Girl: "You sure do ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many 'pro-lifers' does it take to fix a light bulb?
A: 6 - Two to put it in, and four to testify that it was lit from the
moment the other two began screwing.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the worst thing about playing softball in a cow pasture?
A: Sliding into 3rd base.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a whore of the Azores,
Whose snatch was so covered with sores,
That the dogs in the street,
Wouldn't touch the green meat,
Which hung in festoons from her drawers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young woman was talking with her mother. "Mom, I lost my virginity last
week," said the daughter. "I'm not suprised, honey," replied her mother, "I
just hope it was a wonderful and romantic experience for you." "Well," said
the daughter, "it felt good at first, but after the 7th or 8th guy, it
started to hurt!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep from losing an erection?
A: Don't fuck with it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
A: About half way.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's this:
<------
------>
An irish sex manual.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(knock, knock)
"Who's there?"
"A polish thief."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
You are so ugly that if you sent your picture to the Lonely Hearts Club,
they would be sent back with the explanation that they are lonely - not
desperate.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(You must tell this joke with a beer in hand.)
A semi driver pulled his rig out of Pittsburgh onto Interstate West. Soon
after, he spotted a beautiful young hitchhiker on the side of the freeway.
Feeling lucky, he pulled over and, like the suave dude he was, leaned out
the window. "Yo! Where ya goin' toots?" he inquired. "New York!" she replied.
It was every truck driver's dream come true. "Hey, no problem," he said,
"But you got to give me head the whole way." The hitchhiker agreed. Cleve-
land passed, she was bobbing on the knob. Chicago passed, she was sucking
the salami. (START TAKING FREQUENT SIPS OF YOUR DRINK) Kansas City passed,
her noggin' was rockin', but a little slower though. With Seattle in sight,
the hitchhiker paused, gulped, lifted her head and said (TAKE A BIG SIP)
... "Are we there yet?" (SPRAY YOUR ATTENTIVE AUDIENCE WITH FOAM, SPIT,
AND THEN RUN!)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Bumper Sticker)
Make war, not love -
It's safer these days.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A high school history teacher giving a pop quiz to her class ...
"Who said 'Give me liberty, or give me death'?"
Akito, the class brain, stood and politely replied, "Nathan Hale, 1776."
"Very good, Akito!" said the teacher. "Now, who said 'We shall have peace
with honor'?"
Again, Akito replied. "Richard Nixon, 1975," he said.
"Very good, again, Akito. Class, don't you feel just a -little- uncomfor-
table knowing that this child of immigrant parents knows so much about
United States history?"
From the back of the room came the cry, "Screw the Japanese!"
"Harry S. Truman, 1945."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COLE'S LAW:
Thinly sliced cabbage ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many animals can you find in a pair of pantyhose?
10 little piggies, 1 ass, 2 calves, 1 pussy, 1000 hares,
maybe some crabs, and one dead fish nobody can find ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(VMS) is like a Soviet railroad train: It's basically industrial-strength,
but when you look at it closely, everything's a little more shabby than you
might like; it gets the job done, but there's no grace to it.
The (MAC) operating system is like the monorail at Disney World: It's kind
of spectacular and fun, but it doesn't go much of anywhere; still, the kids
like it.
(UNIX) is like the maritime transit system in an impoverished country: The
ferryboats are dangerous as hell, offer no protection from the weather and
leak like sieves. Every monsoon season a couple of them capsize and drown
all the passengers, but people still line up for them and crowd aboard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why aren't cowboys circumsized?
A: So they have a place to keep their Skoal when they eat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rule of the Thumb:
The more buttons fastened on a person's shirt, the higher the I.Q.
(Curtis Cloaninger)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The following quotes taken from the Toronto News on July 26, 1977, are
actual statements from insurance forms where car drivers tried to summarize
accident details in as few words as possible. Such instances of faulty writ-
ing serve to confirm that incompetency can be highly entertaining ...
1. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I
don't have.
2. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.
3. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
4. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
5. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I
reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I
did not see the other car.
6. I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and
had an accident.
7. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
8. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
9. As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident.
10. I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found
that I had a fractured skull.
11. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
12. I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood
of my car.
13. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with
a big mouth.
14. I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
15. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
16. I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my
head through it.
17. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
18. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him.
19. The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
20. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
21. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
22. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law,
and headed over the embankment.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have a drinking problem: 2 hands and only one mouth ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(MY DOG "Sex")
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls it 'Rover' or 'Fifi' or some-
thing. I called mine 'Sex.' Well, 'Sex' is a very embarrassing name. One
day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking
for that dog. A cop came along and asked me what I was doing in this alley
at 4:00 A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked
me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like
to have one, too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said, "I don't
care how she looks." Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since
I was two years old." He replied, "You must have been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have
Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said,
"But Sex is a big part of my life - my whole lifestyle revolves around
Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would
enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the
Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked
into the motel I told the clerk, "I want a room for my wife and a special
room for Sex." The clerk said, "Every room in the motel is for Sex." Then
I said, "You don't understand- Sex keeps me awake at night." And the clerk
said, "Me, too." One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said,
"Show-off." I told him it was a contest and he told me I should have sold
tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the
dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I was married." And the Judge
said. "Me, too." When I told him that after I was married Sex left me,
he said, "Me, too." Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married,
divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why
just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist
and she said, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left
my life. It's like losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor
said, "Look. You and I both know that Sex isn't man's best friend - So
GET YOURSELF A DOG!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old jewish men were sitting around a table eating lunch, when the
first one said, "Oy vay!I sent my son out into the world, and he came
back a Christian!" The second and third ones comforted the first - afterall,
they too had suffered similar tragedies. All of a sudden a deep voice boomed
from the clouds,"Wouldn't ya' know? The samething happened to me ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the definition of agony?
A: Being a one-armed man hanging off a cliff, and having an attack of jock
itch.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the polish mother say to her pregnant daughter?
A: "Don't worry, it might not be yours."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A high school student was taking a biology test when he encountered this
question: "Give four reasons why mother's milk is better than cow's milk."
The student's answers were:
1. It's always available.
2. It's has more nutritional value.
3. It's always at the right temperature.
4. It comes in such nice containers.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I saw in today's paper that skirts are getting shorter and shorter. If
so, it will echo the '60s. First there were miniskirts, then microskirts.
I can't wait for airplane skirts. Those are ones where you can see the
cockpit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An anthropologist was deep in the Amazon jungle. He and his native guide
stopped at a remote village. As they were drinking water from gourds, the
anthropologist saw a beautiful young girl walk out of a hut. The sun danced
off the glistening tops of her breasts and her smile was captivating. "Who's
that?" asked the anthropologist. "Unh, that daughter of chief," replied
the guide. "Damn," replied the anthropologist, who had been in the jungle
for many months, "I'd sure like to eat her!" To which the guide replied,
"Unh, me too."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two midgets were talking. "How was your vacation at that nude ranch?" asked
the first. "Strange," replied the second, "At first I thought I was in Iraq.
From my angle everyone looked like Saddam Hussein ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A woman went to visit her therapist. As they were talking, the therapist
noticed she had a chipped tooth. "How did that happen?" asked the therapist.
"Do you remember that vibrator you gave me?" asked the woman. "Well, I
chipped a tooth practicing."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Does your wife talk to you while she's having sex?" the therapist asked
his patient. "Sure," said the man, "Once, she even called me from a motel."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is true love for the male of the species?
A: An erection.
Q: What is true love for the female of the species?
A: A no-limit charge card.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What were Anne Boleyn's last words?
A: "'Tis better to give head, than to lose head."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Women: Would that we could fall into their hearts without falling into
their hands ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
How can you tell the difference between a WASP girl in the grave and a WASP
girl in bed? The one in the grave is warmer and has her -arms- crossed ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
(Daffynition)
Pussy (n): What a man spends nine months trying to get out of
- and the rest of his life trying to get back into.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do dates grow?
A: On calendar trees.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A polack, walking down the street, stopped to help a delivery man struggling
with a package. After fifteen minutes, they were both exhausted. "I guess we
better give up; We'll never get that package on the truck," said the delivery
man. "On the truck?" replied the dumbfounded polack. "I thought you were
trying to get it off!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"...writing code for an ANSI input driver is a Herculean (1) labor."
- Joe Campbell
The labors of Hercules were:
1. Kill Nemean Lion.
2. Slay nine-headed hydra of Lerna.
3. Capture elusive Stag of Arcadia.
4. Capture wild boar on Mt Erymanthus.
5. Clean stables of King Augeas of Elis.
6. Shoot monstrous man-eating birds of the Stymphalian marshes.
7. Capture mad bull of Crete.
8. Kill man-eating mares of King Diomedes.
9. Steal Girdle of Hippolyta.
10. Seize cattle of Geryon of Erytheia.
11. Fetch golden apples of Hesperidies.
12. Retrieve three-headed dog Cerberus from Hell.
13. Emulate Terminal of ANSI.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Ethiopians go to the movies?
A: They can't hold the seats down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Miss Smith told her class, "Today we're going to use the word
'definitely' in a sentence. Nancy?" Nancy said, "The sky is definitely
blue." Miss Smith corrected her, "No - sometimes it's overcast and the sky
is gray. And at night the sky is black. The sky isn't definitely blue.
Lenny?" Lenny said, "Ummm ... the grass is definitely green." Miss Smith
corrected Lenny also, "No - sometimes the grass is dead and brown. The
grass isn't definitely green." So Dirty Ernie jumped up and asked, "When
you fart does it ever have lumps in it?" Miss Smith, taken somewhat aback,
stuttered, "Heavens, no!" So Ernie replied, "Then I definitely shit my
pants!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
One day Marshal Dillon saw a cowboy dunking an old women's head in a horse
trough! The Marshal got upset and went over where this was happening.
"You best stop that, boy!" he warned, "Tain't nice what you're doing there!"
The cowboy replied, "Mind your own business. This is -MY- mother and I'll do
what I want ..." The cowboy continued to slam the women's head in the dirty
horse trough. Marshal Dillon was getting seriously pissed, "Look here, boy,
I'm gonna have to run you in, you don't stop that!" Fixing the Marshal with
a withering glare, the cowboy replied, "Mind your own damn business! She's
my mother and I'll do what I want!" By this time the Marshall was very pissed
- he hadn't had someone talk to him like that since he was a wet-behind-the-
ears deputy. He started towards the unruly cowboy, trying to slap the cuffs
on him, when the cowboy let go of the elderly woman and punched the Marshall
right between the eyes! As soon as the stunned Marshal hit the ground, the
cowboy jumped on his horse and galloped out of town. Marshall Dillon wobbled
to his feet and yelled, "Come back here, you cop-socking mother dunker!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A British colonel was walking down the street in London when he saw a guy
with no arms and no legs sitting in the gutter playing a mouth organ.
A sign beside the guy read, "Victim of Falklands War." "Bloody disgraceful,
what," said the colonel, "the way the country treats its veterans!" So
saying, he pulled out his wallet, peels off two fifty pound notes and
dropped them in the guy's hat. The guy looked up and says, "Mucho gracias,
senor."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Mexicans have big noses?
A: It gives them something to pick in the off season.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On a shopping trip to Green Bay, the "Big City," a yupper bought a 24-piece
jigsaw puzzle. He worked on it every night for two weeks. Finally, the puzzle
was finished. "Look what I done, Ole," he said proudly to a visiting neigh-
bor. "That's surely somethin', Sven. How long it take you?" "Only two weeks,"
replied Sven. "Never done a puzzle myself," Ole said, "Is two weeks fast?"
"Darn tootin'," Sven said, "Look at the box. It says, 'From two to four
years' ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your new mother-in law backing off a cliff in your new
Mercedes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Dolly Parton have such a small waist?
A: Nothing grows in the shade.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two construction workers were working on the 58th floor of a new high-rise.
One of them looked at the other and said, "I'll be right back - I have to
go take a piss." His buddy said, "Hang on a minute. By the time you get the
elevator up here, go all the way down to the street, find a porta-shitter,
and get back, it's going to take at least a thirty minutes. Why don't we
get that board over there, push it part of the way over the edge, I'll
stand on this end, and you walk out and let loose." The construction worker
who was turning yellow immediately agreed. As he was standing on the board
relieving himself, the phone rang and the guy standing on the board stepped
off to answer it. At the inquest to his co-worker's death, the worker was
very distraught and was unable to assist in what happened. The police started
asking for witnesses when a little old lady walked up and said, "I saw him
fall, officer. I think it may have some to do with some kind of homosexual
act!" "That's a pretty serious accusation ma'am," the cop sternly replied,
"What makes you say that?" The old lady replied, "Well, as he was falling,
all the way down he was holding on to his penis, screaming 'Where did that
little cocksucker go?'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the guy whose roommate caught him pouring beer in his hand.
"What are you doing?" he asked. "I wanna score tonight," the roommate with
the beer replied, "so I'm getting my date drunk."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the hillbilly trade his wife in for an outhouse?
A: Because the hole was a little smaller, and it smelled a little nicer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many lawyers does it take to unclog a toliet?
A: Three. Two to hold his legs, and one to dive below and suck.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The doctor told his patient "I have bad news and worse news for you, what do
you want to hear first?" The patient replied, "What's the bad news?" The
doctor said, "Your tests have come back and we've determined that you only
have two days to live." The man exclaimed, "Oh my God! What could be worse
news than that?" The doctor replied, "We've been looking for you for the
last forty-eight hours ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I used to be into S & M, bestiality, and necrophilia, but then I realized
I was just beating a dead horse ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dirty Ernie: "Mom, I didn't know you could take apart a nurse."
Mom: "What do you mean?"
Dirty Ernie: "I heard dad telling Mr. Smith 'I just screwed the ass off a
nurse!'."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The other day I was getting out a sweater and the label said it was made
of 100% Virgin Acrylic, honest. What's virgin acrylic? Is it made out of
vinyl flooring that never got laid?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seen written in a very shaky hand:
"Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy went to get a vasectomy (under general anesthesia). While the guy was
asleep, the doctor mistakenly cut his nuts off. Seeing this, the nurse
leaned over and told the doc, "Just sew on two onions - he won't know the
difference." So, the doctor did it and sent the guy on his way. A week later
the guy came in for a checkup. He told the surgeon, "Doc, everything feels
okay, but three strange things have happened since the operation." The doctor
looked perplexed, and asked him to explain, The patient continued, "Everytime
my wife gives me a blowjob she gets bad breath; everytime I pee, I want to
cry, and every time I pass a hamburger stand I get a hard-on ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walked into a bar and, with a very despondent look on his face, ordered
a bourbon - straight up. The bartender set the drink down and, to his sur-
prise, a little man just over a foot tall climbed out from under the custo-
mer's jacket and onto the bar. The customer groaned and just put his head
down on the bar in total frustration. The little man glared at the barten-
der, took a sip of the drink and spit it out on the bar. "What the hell is
this donkey piss you call bourbon, you fat-bellied jerk!" the little man
bellowe as he turned and swaggered down the top of the bar, kicking ashtrays
out of his way and glaring at everyone. He stopped in front of another custo-
mer and said, "What are -YOU- lookin' at dicknose?!" He glared at everyone
in the bar again. The bartender looked at the guy that brought the little
man in with him and growled, "Where the hell did you find him?" The despon-
dent one sighed, "Its a long story ... I was vacationing in Ireland, found
a four-leaf clover, and was given one wish. So, I wished for a 14" prick
and ... well ... there he is."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a hillbilly spent his first night with his new bride, he returned home
the next day to his father. He said, "Paw, I had to kill my wife." His paw
asked him why, to which his son replied that he discovered she was a virgin.
His paw said, "You did good, son. If she ain't good enuf for her family
then she ain't good enuf for ours."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After a long and particularly arduous cattle drive, a cowboy wandered into
Dodge to get a hot meal, a beer, and a bath. The cowboy headed for the
nearest restaurant to have dinner. The only vacant seat in the restaurant
was next to a refined, educated and wealthy looking young lady of about
twenty-one years. He couldn't help but overhear her ordering. "I'll have
breast of virgin fowl - make sure it's virgin - catch it yourself and
garnish it with onions - young spring onions. Then I'll have a cup of coffee
- not too strong and not too sweet. Oh yes, and waiter, -PLEASE- open the
windows, I think I smell a horse - there must be a cowboy in the room."
Completely pissed-off and not to be outdone, the cowboy placed his order:
"I'll have a duck. A well-fucked duck. Fuck it yourself and garnish it with
horse shit. Bring me a cup of coffee, strong as Texas mule piss and fart
the foam off. Yeah, and podnuh, knock the walls down - I smell cunt, there
must be a whore in the house."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do you know what the miracle of AIDS is?
A. It turns fruits into vegetables.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do the Rubiks cube and a penis have in common?
A. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kid: I wonder if they have bulletin boards in Heaven?
Priest: The good new is that yes there are. The bad news is that the sysop
just validated you ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Since her baby came, miss Snow
Won't diddle, she just hollers, "NO!"
She thinks a fat senator,
Was it's likely progenitor
But having laid ten, she can't know ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was an old prophet named Moses,
Who once said, "A girl is a fool who supposes
That a man, as a rule
Can boast of a tool
Proportionately long as his foot is."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a young fellow named Grimes,
Who made his girl seventeen times,
In the course of a week
That is not to speak
Of assorted venereal crimes ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the diff between a pitbull humping your leg and a poodle humping
your leg?
A: The pitbull gets to finish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wino was waiting for the city bus. He had a sudden, overwhelming, desire
to shit. He looked down the street and saw his bus about five blocks away.
There was no one around, so he dropped his pants and shit right on the side-
walk. He quickly pulled up his pants just as the bus arrived. The driver
opened the door and the wino, trying to act casual, asked, "What's the fare
to downtown?" The driver said, "A buck and a half for you, and seventy-
five cents for your kid brother."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not drunk is he who from the floor,
Can rise alone and still drink more.
But drunk is he who prostrate lies,
Without the power to drink or rise!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Despite acts of great herosim, three British soldiers returned from the Falk-
land Islands without being decorated. Their captain called them into his
office to explain. "Bit of a cock-up in the medals department, chaps," he
said, "So the regiment has decided to give you ten pounds sterling for
each inch of measurement between any two parts of your bodies. Private,
which measurement for you?" "Tip of me toes to the top of me head, sah!"
Taking out a tap measure, the Captain announced, "That's 720 pounds. Well
done, private. Corporal?" "Tip of one hand to the tip of the other, me arms
outstreched, sah!" The captain took the measurement. "Six feet, two inches -
740 pounds. Very good, corporal. Sergeant, how about you?" "Tip of me prick
to me balls, sah!" "Very well. Drop your trousers, then." The captain put
his tape measure at the end of the man's penis, then looked up and asked,
"Where are your balls, sergeant?" "Goose Green, Falklands, sah!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day St. Peter had to go on some very important business, so he left a
minor saint in charge of the Pearly Gates and instructed him to get proof
of identity before he let anyone in. So the minor saint was sitting around
when Beethoven arrived. "You can't get in without proof," said the saint.
So Beethoven pulled up a piano and banged out his 9th symphony as it was
really meant to be played. "Okay," said the saint, "You're in." A few light
years later, up came Einstein. "Prove to me you're Albert Einstein," said
the saint. Einstein proceeded to thoroughly explain the theory of relativity.
"Okay," said the saint, "You're in." Shortly thereafter, Dan Quayle came
strolling along, wanting to be let through the gates of Heaven. "I need proof
of identity," said the saint. "But," sputtered Quayle, "I was the vice presi-
dent of the United States!" "Sorry," said the sympathetic saint," but every-
one needs proof. Even Beethoven and Albert Einstein needed proof." "Who?"
said Quayle. "Okay," said the saint, "You're in."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A lady was in the stirrups at her gynecologist's office, having her annual
checkup, when she heard the doctor talking to himself as he examined her:
"My, what a big vagina! My, what a big vagina!" The lady was, to put it
mildly, a bit annoyed. Being the assertive type, she spoke up immediately:
"Doctor, I can't believe what I'm hearing! I think it's incredibly unpro-
fessional of you to say something like 'My, what a big vagina' twice!"
"But I only said it once," replied the doctor.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A polack's house was furiously burning down, surrounded by fire trucks and
helpless firemen, and all the polack could do is stand around and laugh, and
laugh. So, his neighbor came over and said, "Jerzy, your house is being
burned down to the foundations and you're Laughing?" "Why not?" said Jerzy
with a chuckle, "I got enough wood in the attic to build another one."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once there was a priest who was travelling quite some distance, so he stopped
at a convent to seek lodging for the night. The nuns had an extra room, so
they let the father come in and stay until morning. The next day, one of the
young novices happened to be chatting with the Mother Superior. "Did you
know," said the novice, "that I have the Gateway to Heaven right here
between my legs? And did you know that Father John has the key between his
legs?!" "The Key to Heaven?"said the Mother Superior, suddenly suspicious,
"What does it look like?" The novice described the 'key,' whereupon the
Mother Superior cried, "He told -ME- it was Gabriel's Horn!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Because the chicken called in sick.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What kind of bat can't fly?
A: A bat-man.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do seagulls live by the sea?
A: Because if they lived by the bay they would be called bay-gulls.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bull-dozer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What kind of star is in jail?
A: A shooting star.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What kind of fly 'parley vous francais'?
A: A french-fly.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the new birth control pill for men? You take it the day
after and it changes your blood type!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the three aggies that drove there truck off a bridge one
night? The driver broke the glass and got out, the two in the back drowned
because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
There once was a three-legged dog who walked into a bar and said, "I'm
looking for the man who shot my paw!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why didn't the Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: She went out with Mr. Softy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know what the German word for 'virgin' is?
A: Gutentight.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
This swishy-type of guy went to the doctor for his physical. He got undressed
and waited for the doctor to begin. The doctor came over to him and pushed up
on his right testicle and said, "Say sixty-six." The guy replied "Thixty
thix." The doctor then pushed up on his left testicle and said "Say sixty-
six." The guy again said, "Thixty thix." The doctor then prepared for the
rectal exam by putting on a rubber glove and applying some vaseline to his
finger. He had the guy bend over and then inserted his finger and instructed
the guy to say sixty-six again. The guy replied "One, two, three ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the indian say when his dog fell of the cliff?
A: Dog-gone.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day, a young indian boy asked the medicine man how indians were named.
The wise, old, medicine man replied "You named after first thing you see.
After your sister born, your father look out teeppee and see deer running,
so her name 'Running Deer.' After your brother born there big storm, so him
name 'Thunder Head.' Why you want know Two Dogs Fucking?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Marion Barry and Marilyn Quayle have in common?
A: They both blow a little dope.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does Dan Quayle always make love on the bottom?
A: Because he always fucks up.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you get when you cross a hooker with a piranha?
A: Your last blowjob.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
JOKEBOOK #8
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I joined the German club in high school. We were a small organization until
we annexed the French club ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Worlds Great Religions Interpret the Philosophy "Shit Happens"
Taoism - Shit happens.
Confucianism - Confucius say, "Shit happens."
Buddhism - If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Zen - What is the sound of shit happening?
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
Islam - Shit happens by the will of Allah
Protestantism - Let shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism - If shit happens, it's your fault.
Judiasm - Why does shit keep happening to us?
Paganism - Shit happens and it's great fertilizer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it that so many lawyers have broken noses?
A: From chasing parked ambulances.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?
A: One's a scum-sucking, bottom-feeding scavenger, and the other's a fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I don't wanna visit Grandma!"
"Shut up and keep digging ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I don't like drag racing!"
"Shut up and hang on to the bumper ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Mommy, mommy, I hate my sister's guts!"
"Shut up and eat what's on your plate ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you here about the Ethiopian who fell into the alligator pond? He ate
three before they got him out ...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call Ethiopians with big feet?
A: Golf clubs.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do Yoko Ono and Ethiopians have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night two vampire buddies were feeling hungry. One said to the other,
"What do you feel like? Chinese?" The other said, "No, not filling enough."
"Mexican?" "No, too spicy." "Italian?" "Sounds good ..." So they flew
around until they found an Italian, came right down on him, and drank him
dry. But they had to get rid of the body, so they flew out over a swamp and
dropped the dead Italian in the murky waters. The next night, same thing.
"Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No." "Mexican?" "No" "Italian?" "Yes." They
found another one and drank him dry. Afterwards, they flew the body over
the same swamp, and dropped him. As they were flying away, one of the
vampires said to the other, "Do you hear that singing?" "I don't hear any
singing," replied the other. So they put the incident behind them and kept
on flying. The next night same thing. "Hungry?" "Yes." "Chinese?" "No."
"Mexican?" "No." "Italian?" "Yes." They found another Italian, drank him
dry, fly the body over the same swamp, and dropped it. But this time as
they flew away they both heard the singing, so they went back to check it
out. They flew down and there, sitting on a rock in the center of the swamp,
was an alligator singing "Drained wops keep falling on my head ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunday, a Mother Superior was walking in the convent garden when she
saw a young novice surrounded by pigeons shouting, "Fuck off! Fuck off!"
"Sister!" the Mother Superior said sharply, "There is no need for such
language. All you have to do is say, 'Shoo, shoo,' and they'll fuck off."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Seven Dwarfs were having an audience with the pope when Dopey raised
his hand and said, "Excuse me? Your Holiness?" The pope said, "Yes, my son?
What can I do for you?" Dopey said, "Are there nuns at the North Pole?" The
pope give it some thought and finally said, "No, I don't believe there are.
It's very cold at the North Pole." A little later in the audience, Dopey
raised his hand again. "Your Holiness, I have another question." "Yes, my
son, what is it?" "Do you have nuns at the south pole?" asked Dopey. "Well,
it's much colder there than it is at the North pole," said the pope. "I
don't believe we have any clergy there." Dopey's face fell. "Oh," he said.
Then, from the back of the room, came a little voice: "Dopey fucked a
penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
St. Peter was having a slow day at the Pearly Gates so he took a stroll. He
soon noticed that the fence between Heaven and Hell was in need of repair.
So St. Peter leaned over the fence and yelled at Lucifer, "This fence needs
to be repaired! I'll see to it that you help pay for it ..." Lucifer
replied, "If you want it fixed -YOU- pay for it!" St. Peter replied "The
fence is your responsiblity too. You help pay for it, or I will sue you."
Lucifer laughed "Ha! Where do you think -YOU- are going to get a lawyer?!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Do you know how to tell when a family of flamingoes has moved into the
house next door?
A: They decorate the lawn with plastic mexicans.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One cold winter day, a polack decided to go ice fishing. After setting up
his shack, he started chipping through the ice. Suddenly, he heard a booming
voice say, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." The polack looks around, but
saw no one. He continued chipping away at the ice. Again he heard, "THERE
ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Looking around, the petrified polack still saw
no one. He shouted, "Is that you, God?" The booming voice responded, "THIS
IS THE ARENA MANAGER ... THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A city dude walked into a cowboy bar with a cat under one arm, a six shooter
on his hip and a bucket of shit in one hand. He walked up to the bar and
set down the cat and the bucket. "May I please have a beer," he said to the
bartender. So the bartender gave the dude a draft. The dude proceeded to
take a big swig, set down the glass, pick up the cat, bite off its left ear,
pull a sixgun and -BANG!!!- shoot a hole in the bucket of shit. Even in the
fly-bitten, dusty, trail bar that was something new - the bartender couldn't
believe what he saw! The dude took another gulp of brew, bit off the cat's
right ear, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- shot the bucket of shit again.
The bartender was astounded! The dude took a third swig of beer, picked up
the cat, bit off it's tail, pulled the gun and -BANG!!!- he put a third hole
in the shit bucket. The bartender had to say something. "Hey, you, green-
horn!" he yelled, "What in tarnation do you think you're doin?" The dude
replied "Well, my good man, I want to be like you rough and tumble fron-
tiersmen: I came to this fine emporium to drink beer, shoot shit and eat
pussy ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it easier for men to sleep on their sides, than women?
A: They have kick stands.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A priest and a rabbi, long time friends, were having lunch together one day.]
Downing a forkful of fish, the priest asked the rabbi, "Sam, in all your
entire life, do you mean to tell me that you have never ONCE tasted pork? Be
honest with me!" The rabbi answered, "Well, Pat, since you ask me: Once,
back when I was a young man, I was with some friends when we were served
some bacon and eggs. I had a taste of bacon at that time." "Aha! So you see
what you've been missing!?" "But you? Pat, did you ever, ever, have sex
with a woman?" "Well, it was back when I was a newly ordained priest. I
had a beautiful, young parishioner who approached me with troubles. One
thing led to another, and we ended up having sex together." "Better than
pork, isn't it?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do we know that Eve was the first computer operator?
A: 'Cause she had an Apple in one hand and a Wang in the other.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunday a drunk staggered into a church while Mass was going on. The
priest couldn't help but notice him bumping into one pew after another as
he made his way down the side aisle. The drunk finally made it to to con-
fessional and closed the door. After mass the priest took his position on
the other side of the confessional. The drunk sat silently for about 5
minutes. Realizing that he would have to break the silence, the priest
asked "Can I help you, my son?" Startled, the drunk replied, "HUH? Oh
yeah, do you have any paper on your side?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st Polack: What would you do if you found a million dollars?
2nd Polack: If it belonged to a poor person, I'd return it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night a drunk stopped a cab and asked the cabbie, "Do you have room (hic)
for three six-packs (hic) and a large pizza?" "Yeah, buddy, sure do," replied
the cabbie. So the drunk threw up in the back seat.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Coach: Hoss, we're short on players. Do you think you can pass this football?
Aggie: Yeah, coach, I think ah kin if ah kin swallow it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Norwegian, an Irishman and a German were sentenced to be electrocuted.
First, the Irishman was strapped in the chair and the switch was pushed.
Nothing happened, so the Irishman was freed. Same thing happened to the
German. As the Norwegian was lead into the room, the prison guard remarked,
"Sure has been a lucky day for those two guys." Said the Norwegian, "Vell
I should say so, becoss I can see the plug has come out of the socket under
the chair."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why does it take three Cajuns to eat a possum?
A: Because it requires two just to look out for cars.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't Irishman watch Johnny Carson/The Tonight Show?
A: Because none of them can stay sober past 10:30.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't yuppers watch the Gong Show?
A: Because it's too intellectual.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage Counselor: You say you are having marital problems. Do you have
mutual climax?
Polack: No ... our insurance is with State Farm.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After twenty years, the aggie finally graduated from college. Deciding to
put his hard won knowledge into use, he started raising chickens. The first
week he went to the hatchery and bought 200 chicks. The next week he came
back and bought 200 more. The third week, the same thing. Curious, the
hatchery man asked why the aggie came in every week to order 200 more
chicks. "Wahl," drawled the aggie, "Something seems to be wrong. Either ahm
planting them too deep - or too close together ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman sat in a pub drinking beer all afternoon. The bartender was
getting concerned because the Irishman hadn't gotten up. Finally, after
his 5th pitcher of beer, the Irishman got up very slowly and headed for
the back door. The bartender followed him to the alley where the Irishman
prepared to relieve himself. "Hey!" shouted the bartender, "You can't do
that in here!" "I'm not gonna do it HERE," slurred the Irishman, "I'm
gonna do it waaa-aaay over there ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly man decided to march to the altar at the ripe old age of 85 with
a shapely young thing just out of high school. His friends cautioned him
about the health hazard involved, saying that the exertion of his wedding
night could prove to be fatal. "Well," said the old man, "that's a chance
I'll have to take ... If she dies, she dies."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Judge: You've been brought here for drinking!
Irishman: Swell! Let's get started.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The rich ex-aggie reluctantly sent his son to Rice. In his first year the
son got a girl in trouble, so the fast thinking lad sent his dad a letter,
saying that a professor at Rice could teach Ol' Yeller to talk for $1,000.
Impressed, the ex-aggie sent the money and Ol' Yeller to his son. A few
months later, the son committed the same indiscretion so he wrote his dad
a letter, saying the professor wanted to teach the dog to read. Again the
ex-aggie came through with the money. At the end of the year, the rich ex-
aggie met his son at the backyard heliport. Lo and behold, there was the
son, but no Ol' Yeller! "Where's thuh dawg, son?" inquired the rich Texan.
"Yah know, Paw," said the son, "two nights ago Ol' Yeller and I were having
a chat while he was reading thuh paper. I said it sure would be good to come
bak home, and Ol' Yeller said 'Yeah, I miss the ranch too.' And he said he
wondered if the old man was still fooling around with the French maid. And
you know, Paw, I got so mad at that remark that I reached over and choked
that old dawg. Before I could control myself, Ol' Yeller had died." Quickly
the ex-aggie leaned forward and anxiously whispered in his son's ear, "Are
you sure that dawg is dead, son?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour
a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days. Mac-
Dougal said, "Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it
through my kidneys first?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The polack got married and on his wedding night the bride disrobed and
suggested he 'get aboard.' The bride was asleep by the time the polack
got back from the lumberyard.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three yuppers were discussing their preferences in female company. The
first one extolled the attractions of Marilyn Monroe. The second said that
only Raquel Welch could possibly be ideal for him. The third yupper pro-
tested that while Marilyn and Raquel had their good points, he would have
to hold out for Virginia Pippaleeny. "Who is she?" the first two yuppers
asked. "Well," said the third yupper, "I read about her in da paper today,"
as he held up the newspaper headline reading "SIX MEN DIE LAYING VIRGINIA
PIPELINE."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Warsaw there's a neighborhood improvement project going on. They're
building diving boards over the cesspools.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One night the local lothario took out the one girl nobody had gotten to
before. On the way back from dinner he took a detour to the lover's lane.
After parking he turned to her and said, "Hey, you ever seen a prick?" The
girl got all wide-eyed and asked, "No, what's a prick?" "I'll show you,"
said the lothario as he unzipped and whipped out his pride and joy. "THAT
is a prick," he said proudly. "Oh," said the girl, "it's just like a cock,
only smaller."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man in Paris was arrested and charged with fucking a dead woman. He hired a
good lawyer and managed to get released. His lawyer convinced the judge that
the man didn't know the woman was dead, he thought she was British.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three old nuns, back from long missions to primitive lands, were walking
along the street and one was describing with her hands the tremendous coco-
nuts she'd seen in the South Pacific. The second on, also with her hands,
described the huge bananas she'd seen in Central America. The third nun,
a little deaf, asked, "Father Who?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three nuns stopped at the holy water on their way into a church. The first
nun said, "I have to rinse my eyes with holy water because I looked at a
penis." The second nun said "I have to wash my hands because I actually
TOUCHED a man's penis." Whereupon the third nun said "Move over sisters,
I've got to gargle".
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a grade school teacher asked her students what their parents did for
a living. "Tim," she said, "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up
and said proudly, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you Amy?"
said the teacher. Amy shyly stood up, scuffed her feet, and said, "My
father is a mailman." "Thank you Amy. What about your father Ernie?" said
the teacher. Dirty Ernie jumped up and proudly announced "My father plays
piano in a whorehouse!" The teacher was shocked and promptly changed the
subject to geography. Later that day she went to Dirty Ernie's house and
rang the bell. Ernie Senior answered the door. The teacher explained what
his son had said and demanded an explanation. Ernie Senior replied, "I'm
actually a lawyer, but how can you explain a thing like that to a seven
year old?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One sunday the Mother Superior called all the nuns together. "You know,"
she said, "I found a used condom in the here last night." All the nuns were
surprised, except one. They went, "Uhhhhh?" She went "Hee hee hee." The
Mother Superior continued, "That means there was a man here last night."
"Uhhhhh?" said the nuns. "Hee hee hee," went the lone nun. Again the Mother
Superior continued "You all know that's against the rules." Again all the
went "Uhhhhh?" Again the lone nun laughed. Finally, the MOther Superior
concluded, "And worst of all, the condom has a hole in it." All the nuns
went 'Hee hee hee!' while the lone nun said "Uhhhhh?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A young nun at a convent had one too many sexual indiscretions, and turned up
pregnant. Scared, she told no one of this, and was thankful that the order
she belonged to wore loose, floor-length habits that would keep her secret
safe, possibly right up until the birth. And so it did, and upon the evening
when the contractions started, she rushed down into the basement, hoping that
no one would hear either her own moaning, or the cries of the newborn child.
After the birth, panic set in; she didn't know WHAT she should do with the
baby. If she were found with the child, she would be thrown out of the
order, with no place for food or shelter. Knowing that the Mother Superior
was a wise woman, and also having no other options, she placed the baby in a
basket, and quietly crept into the sleeping Mother's room in the pre-dawn
hours. She left the baby, and silently exited the sleeping chambers. At
sunrise, the Mother Superior awakened, and heard the baby as it was just
waking from a nap. She quickly looked over the side of her bed, at the child
in the basket, fell back in her bed with a sorrowful look, and dejectedly
sighed, "Oh, God! You can't even trust your own finger any more!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just before the big wedding day a groom's friends decided to throw him a
stag party. After many drinks, a naked girl jumped out of the big cake
and started dancing with the groom. The inebriated groom soon fell and broke
his woody on the floor. His buddies rushed him to the hospital where a
doctor examined the groom's injury. The doctor concluded that the groom had,
in layman's terms, fractured his penis. "Doc! Doc! That can't be true! I'm
getting married tommorow; what about my honeymoon?" "Well Mr. Smith, the
only thing that I can do is splint it. The swelling should go down in a
couple of days." And the doctor proceeded to take four tongue depressors,
placing one on each side of the groom's now crooked penis, and taped
around the whole affair to keep it all in place. The next day, the wedding
went off without a hitch. When the newlyweds got to the hotel that night,
the groom quickly excused himself into the bathroom. After an hour, he
finally emerged from the bathroom with his pajama bottoms on - he still
was not sure what to say. As he entered the bedroom he was greeted by the
sight of his new bride lying spread eagled on the bed. "Here you go
sweetheart," she cooed, "Pure untouched virgin wool - Unseen by any man
except you." "You think yours is new," he said whipping off his pajama
bottoms, "Mine is so new it's still in the crate!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How many critters can you find in a pair of panty hose?
A: Ten little piggies, two calves, one ass and one beaver - they're still
looking for the fish.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's been so long since I had any, the crack of dawn makes me horny.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you know there was a book written about the leper navy? It's called
"All Hands On Deck."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man was golfing, and everything was going the usual way for his game, when
he came to the 16th hole and had a hole in one! As he reached in the hole
to get his ball, out came a genie. The genie said "I grant you one wish."
The man didn't take long to make his request, "I'd like to have the the
biggest cock in the world." POOF! His cock became so long that it drug
behind him two feet. He was so stunned by this that he couldn't go on with
his golf game. He went back to the clubhouse dragging his cock behind him.
Everyone in the clubhouse stared at him as he made his way to see the pro.
"Look what happened to me on the 16th hole!" he yelled at the club pro.
After explaining to the pro what had caused his elongated 'putter,' the
golfer asked the pro what he thought he could do to remedy the situation.
"Why don't you take this bucket of balls and go back to the 16th hole and
try to get another hole-in-one. Maybe then you'll get the genie back and
he can help you." So off the golfer went to the 16th hole. After hours of
hitting balls and not even coming close to getting a hole-in-one, lightning
finally struck twice. Just as the golfer reached in to retrieve his golf
ball, out popped the genie. "Don't tell me," said the genie, "I think I
know what you want this time. You want your cock shrunk back to normal,
right?" "No!" the golfer replied, "I want you to make my legs longer!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A yuppie was driving his BMW on a windy mountain road when an oncoming car
took a turn wide and clipped the left side of his car. His arm, which had
been hanging out the window, was cut off. The yuppie stopped, jumped from
his car and began screaming, "My BMW! My BMW!" A passing trucker stopped
to help and noticed the yuppie's laments. "Hey buddy!" the trucker shouted,
"Can't you see your arm's been torn off?" The yuppie paused, noticed the
trucker was correct and began shouting, ""My Rolex! My Rolex!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
"To do, is to be." - Socrates
"To be, is to do." - Sartre
"Do-be-do-be-do." - Sinatra
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He
was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had
arrived to see him. "Show him right in!" the lawyer replied. As Mr. Jones was
being ushered in the lawyer had an idea. He quickly picked up the phone and
shouted into it "... and you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty
thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down, he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones, "Good Morning,
what can I do for you?" "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied,
"I'm here to connect your phone."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
My favorite answer to 'Were you sleeping?' is "That's okay, I had to get up
to answer the phone anyway."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man approached a stunning blonde at a party. After introducing himself and
engaging in some friendly conversation, he asked her, "Would you be willing
to sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" The woman was taken aback by the
question, but after a few minutes' thought replied, "Yes, I think I would."
The man then asked her, "Well then, would you sleep with me for fifty
dollars?" The woman was shocked and replied indignantly, "What do you
think I am?!" "We've established that," the man said, "Now we're negotiating
the price!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's 6.9?
A: A good time interrupted by a period.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do elephants have red balls?
A: So they can hide in cherry trees.
Q: What's the most horrible sound in the jungle?
A: Girraffes eating cherries.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
At the turn of the century, a cowboy was riding across the New Mexico desert
heading for Phoenix. He rode over a hill and saw an Indian lying on the
ground, naked with a hard on. Being a curious type, the cowboy rode over to
the Indian and asked just what he was doing. The Indian replied, "Me tellum
time." The cowboy was doubtful that the Indian could really tell the time,
so he asked, "What time is it?" The Indian replied that it was 10:05 in the
morning. The cowboy pulled out his pocket watch and sure enough it was
exactly 10:15! The stunned could do nothing but continue his ride west.
That afternoon the cowboy saw another Indian lying on the ground, naked with
a hard on. He rode up and asked "Injun, what are you doing laying there on
the ground?" The second Indian replied, "Me tellum time." The cowboy was
sure that this one was lying, but to humor him he said, "Okay, what time is
it?" The second indian said was about 3:45 in the afternoon. The cowboy
again looked at his pocket watch and sure enough it was exactly 3:45!
The now incredulous cowboy continued his ride west. Near sunset the cowboy
spied yet another Indian laying on his back. But this third indian was
vigorously masturbating. The cowboy rode up to him and said "I know you
ain't telling the time, so just what in tarnation do you think you're
doing?" The third Indian replied, "Me no tellum time - me windum clock!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call a very cold dwarf with a hard-on?
A: A frigid midget with a frigid digit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Three travelling salesmen had car trouble out in Kansas, so they walked to
a farmer's house. "The nearest gas station with a phone is 50 miles from
here," said the farmer, "but you can stay tonight in the guest room - just
don't stick your dicks in the three holes your bathroom wall." The salesmen
agreed, and went to their room. That night curiosity got the better of them.
The first salesman went for it. "Wow, this is great! It's the best I've
ever had!" moaned the first salesman. Hearing this, the second guy stepped
up next to the first and stuck his dick in the second hole. After a few
strokes, the second salesman said, "It's not great, but better than
nothin'." Hearing this the third salesman had to check things out for
himself. The third salesman had no sooner stuck his dick in the third hole
than he began screaming uncontrollably. In less than a minute, the farmer
burst into their room. The first salesman asked the farmer what was in the
holes."Well," replied the farmer, "the first one is my daughter, the second
one is my cow, and the third one is my milking machine - but don't worry,
it cuts off after 55 gallons ..."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a vagina?
A: It's the box a penis comes in.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a Kotex?
A: A manhole cover.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
On their wedding night, Bob and Alice were in the honeymoon suite getting
undressed for the big occiasion. Bob turned to Alice and said, "I have to
be honest with you sweetheart, I have never done this before" Alice replied
"Don't worry Bob; I'll guide you through it." So Alice laid on the bed and
parted her legs. Pointing to her womanhood, Alice told Bob to insert his
penis here when it gets hard. Bob looked at Alice, and said, "No way! My
grandmother told me to stay away from those things 'cause they got teeth
and they bite!" Alice laughed, and said, "Oh, they do not! Here, take a
real close look. Do you see any teeth in there?" Bob got real close and
took a long, hard, look. Lifting his head, he replied, "Of course there's
no teeth in there, what did you expect with those rotten gums?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INDOOR GOLF
1. Each player will furnish is own equipment for play, normally one club
and two balls.
2. The course to be played must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and
keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
Course owners are permitted to check the stiffness of the shaft
before play begins.
5. Course owners have the right to restrict the length of the club in
order to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until
the owner is satisfied. Failure to do so may result in being denied
permission to play the course again.
7. It is normally considered bad form to begin playing the hole
immediately upon arriving at the course. The experienced player will
usually admire the entire course, with special attention to the well
formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention any other courses they have
played. Upset owners have been know to damage players' equipment for
this reason.
9. Players should assure themselves that the match has been properly
scheduled - especially on a course being played for the first time.
Previous players have been known to get irate if they find someone
else playing what they considered their own private course.
10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at
all times. Some owners may be embarrassed if their course is
temporarily under repair. The player is advised to use tact in
this determination. More advanced players will find alternate
means of play when this is the case.
11. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play
the same hole several times in one match.
12. Course owners shall be the judge as to who is the best player. It
is considered bad form for a player to reveal his score, or even
that he even played the course, to other players. Players who have
contracted for exclusive rights to play a private course are
cautioned that information reaching the owner that the player
has played some other course, may result in the contract being
canceled and a suit for damages instituted.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A polish couple got married. On their wedding night they couldn't figure
out how to have sex. So the woman said to her husband, "Dear, go to the
doctor tomorrow and ask him how we can have sex." The next day the polack
went to the doctor and said, "Doc, how do my wife and I have sex?" The
doctor told him, "Son, I want you to go home and stick the longest thing
you've got up the hairiest thing she's got." That night the polack went
home and practiced what the doctor recommended - he stuck his nose up her
armpit.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
An aggie decided to celebrate his latest gusher by going to the nearest bar.
When he walked in, the aggie noticed a stunning young woman at the end of
the bar; he asked the bartender to send her a drink. The bartender warned
the aggie, "You don't want to get involved with her." "Why not?" said the
aggie. "Because she's a Lesbian!" the bartender said. "That don't bother
me!" exclaimed the aggie as he made his way to young woman's table. Taking
a seat, he asked her, "So, what part of Lesbia are you from?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do Mexican cars have small steering wheels??
A: So they can drive them with handcuffs on.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Having just finished his meal, the restaraunt customer was eagerly looking
forward to enjoying a good cup of coffee before he left. As the waiter
returned from the kitchen, the customer noticed that the waiter was holding
the cup in such a way that his thumb curled over the rim of the cup and was
actually submerged in the brew. The customer was irate, exclaiming, "What
the hell are you doing with your thumb in my coffee?!" The waiter looked
surprised, and somewhat embarassed, and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but I have
arthritis in my thumb - really bad, you see - and I wasn't even conscious
of having my thumb in your coffee. The warmth, you see, makes it feel SO
much better and ..." The customer cut the babbling waiter off, "If it's
warmth you want, why don't you just stick your thumb up your ass?!" The
waiter replied, "Oh, I do - when I'm in the kitchen!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a man was playing golf by himself. He hit a tee shot into a sand
trap. While looking for his ball, he unearthed an antique lamp. He dusted
it off and a genie appeared. With a raised hand, the golfer stopped the
genie, saying, "I don't want anything. I'm happy with life as it is." No
matter what the genie said, the golfer could not be convinced to make even
one wish. The golfer played on, but the genie, having much experience in
these matters, knew what every man wants. The genie gave the golfer health,
wealth and a great sex life. A year later, the same man hit his golf ball
into the same sand trap. Looking for his ball, he again found the lamp.
As soon as the golfer picked up the lamp, the genie appeared. The man again
stopped the genie. The genie said, "Then, sir, please grant ME a wish and
answer some questions." The golfer agreed. "How is your health?" asked the
genie. "Unusually good this past year," said the man. Feeling better, the
genie asked, "How about your finances?" "I won the lottery several months
ago," said the golfer. "Excellent!" beamed the genie, "And how is your
love life?" "Not that it is any of your business," said the man, "But I
get it about twice a week." "Is that all?" asked the disappointed genie.
"Well," said the golfer, "I don't know about you, but I think that is
pretty darn good for a priest in a small parish!"
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Q: Why were there only 5000 Mexicans at the Alamo?
A: Thats all that they could fit in the back of the pick-up truck.
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Q: What does P.M.S. really stand for?
A: Punish the Male Species.
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TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE
10. Rolling pin vibrator
9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
7. Videocassette of the movie "Danish Moms"
6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks
5. Necklace of human ears
4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
3. Combination brass knuckes/cheese slicer
2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
1. Inflatable Dad
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PENNY'S LAW
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people
all of the time, but you can't fool Mom.
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Q: Why did the DA drop the charges against Pee Wee Herman?
A: He couldn't get it to stand up in court ...
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Q: How did copper wire get invented?
A: Two jews got it a fight over a penny.
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Q: Why do blondes always poof their hair up so high?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
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Q: How do historians know Abe Lincoln was Jewish?
A: Because he was shot in the temple.
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Once upon a time Little Red Riding Hood decided to visit her grandmother.
Red took a basket with everything she needed and set out on her trip through
the forest. While she was happily skipping along the forest trail, she came
across a very friendly squirrel. When the squirrel learned that she was on
her way to see her grandmother, the squirrel said, "But you have to be very,
very careful! The Big Bad Wolf is looking for you and he says that he will
lick your titties! Little Red told the squirrel, "I'm not afraid, besides, I
have a gun in my basket!" A little further down the trail, Red came across a
rabbit. The rabbit told her the same thing. "Don't go to your grandmothers
house, because the Big Bad Wolf will be waiting for you and he wants to lick
your titties!" Little Red told the rabbit, "I'm not afraid, besides, I have
a gun in my basket!" Little Red Riding Hood skipped on down the forest trail.
When she got to her grandmother's house she met the Big Bad Wolf. He said,
"Hello there, Red! I'm glad you are here, because I'm going to lick your
titties!" Little Red looked bravely at the Big Bad Wolf and said, "I have a
gun in my basket, your not going to lick my titties! You are going to do like
the book said and you are going to EAT ME!"
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Q: Why do blondes stick their heads out the windows of moving cars?
A: To refuel their heads.
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Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: Thanks for the refill.
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MORE OXYMORONS
... helicopter with an ejection seat.
... submarine with a screen door.
... solar powered nightlight.
... condom with air holes.
... government efficiency.
... infatable dart board.
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Yesterday I looked out my backyard into my neighbor's backyard and I saw a
penguin walking around the yard. So, I called my neighbor and said, "Do you
know that you have a penguin in your back yard?" He said, "Yes, I know; what
do you think I should do about it?" I said, "Why don't you take it to the
zoo." The next day I looked out my backyard again and the penguin was still
in my neighbor's backyard, so I called him up again and said, "Hey, I thought
you took that penguin to the zoo?" He said, "I did, and we had so much fun
that today I am taking him to the beach ..."
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A preacher was giving a lecture on temperance to an unruly audience in an
Old West mining camp. "Look," he said, "I put a worm in a glass of water
and it's still alive. I put another worm in a glass of alcohol and it died
right away. What does that tell you?" "Easy," responded a voice from the
back, "If you don't want worms, drink liquor!"
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Q: How do two hardware technicians insult each other?
A: "Your motherboard!"
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Did you hear that Oscar Meyer signed Jeffrey Dahmer to an endorsement deal?
He sings a lunchtime song on the way to the fridge: "My bologna has a first
name, it's R-O-G-E-R. My bologna has a second name it's ..."
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Q: What do you call a cheap male prostitute with no arms or legs?
A: Humphrey.
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7 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN A WOMEN'S LIFE
Doctor, because he says, "Take off all your clothes."
Dentist, because he says, "Open wide."
Milkman, because he says, "Do you want it in front or back?"
Hairdresser, because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown?"
Interior decorator, because he says, "Once it's in, you'll love it."
Banker, because he says, "If you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
Engineer, because he says, "Don't worry, I'll stretch it to fit."
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Q: How did Pee-Wee Herman die?
A: He had a stroke.
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President Bush called Dan Quayle into his office. Bush said, "Dan, I want
you to go on a fact finding mission to Central America." "Ok," Dan replied.
So, Dan went back to his office and said to his secretary, "Will you please
book me a flight to Ohio?"
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It is said that woman is the greatest thing that God ever created; then why
did he have to give her a mouth and ruin it all?
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Q: How do you know when you walk into a gay church?
A: Only half the men are kneeling.
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Q: How do you screw a fat chick?
A: Flip through the folds of fat until you find the one that smells like
shit, then go back one.
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Dirty Ernie had been picking up some bad language by hanging out at the
construction site down the street. His mother was very upset by this and
asked Ernie Senior to reprimand him. "I heard you've been using some pretty
bad language son," said Ernie Senior, "Go get me a switch." Dirty Ernie
replied, "Fuck you, thats the electrician's job!"
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Fred was worried about going to the doctor for an examination. He wasn't
looking forward to the prostate exam so he asked a friend, Bob, who had
recently had one, what it was like. "Not that bad," said Bob, "The doctor
asked me to drop my pants and bend over the table. Then he put his hand on
my hip and stuck this long ... Hey! He had both hands on my hips ..."
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AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION PLEASE!
1. Make a fist out of your hand
2. Loosen it a little
Q: What do you get?
A: Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
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A Scotsman took a hot Irish babe out in a taxi. She was so good looking that
he could hardly keep his eyes on the meter.
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Q: Why did God make man first?
A: Because he didn't want to be told how to do it.
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Q: How do you tell if a woman is wearing underwear?
A: See if there is any dandruff on her shoes.
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I heard the other day that Buddha walked up to a hotdog stand and asked if
they could make him One with Everything.
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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a posi-
tion as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was
interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How
much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of
measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and
announcing, "Four." The physicist was interviewed next, and was asked the
same questions. Before answering the last question, he excused himself,
made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consulta-
tion with the United States Bureau of Standards, and many calculations, he
also announced "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and was asked the
same questions. At the end of his interview, before answering the last
question, he drew all the shades in the room, looked outside the door to
see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and
asked, "How much do you want it to be?"
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Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the
same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to
his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that
found in a low-grade Motel 6-type establishment. The lawyer was then
taken to his room, which was a palacial suite including a private
swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace overlooking the Gates. The
attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St. Peter, "I'm really
quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was given such
small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred Popes
here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
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Q: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
A: No.
Reply: Good!
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