textfiles/humor/JOKES/children.txt

                          Murphy's Laws On Parenting

A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the
egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have
nothing to do with tires.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.

Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Familiarity breeds children.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented
guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

If a child looks like his father, that's heredity; if he looks like a neighbor,
that's environment.

If you have trouble getting your children's attention, just sit down and look
comfortable.

Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they'll know as
little as their parents.

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly
underpaid.

The best thing to spend on your children is time.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to
the left.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do
it, or forbid your kids to do it.

There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood to keep
the television set going.

Those who say they "sleep like a baby" haven't got one.

You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you have.

 - - - -

            All I Need To Know About Life, I Learned From My Children

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades,
they can ignite.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to
rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Superman underwear and a Superman cape.  It is
strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20-by-20 foot
room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a
ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man
says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not
leak, it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000-square-foot house four
inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

You get more attention from parents if you cry in your cradle at 3:00am.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.  Ditto Tarzan.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on
water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though television
commercials show that they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in most cities has at least a five minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.  It will
however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

 - - - -

                           New Toddler Miracle Diet!

Flabby Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with
most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you
don't get enough variation (the liquid diet), or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three
days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.  Is there
nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?
Or is there a slim hope? Such is the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years
you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.  It came to
me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that perhaps their diet is
the reason.  After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and
distraught moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive,
offering great variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on this diet,
however, be sure to check with your doctor ... otherwise you might have to see
him afterward.  Good luck!

Day One
-------

Breakfast:
   One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.  Eat two bites of
   egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite of toast,
   then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.
Lunch:
   Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk
   (three sips only, then spill the rest).
Dinner:
   A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, four sips of stale beer.
Bedtime Snack:
   Toast piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

Day Two
-------

Breakfast:
   Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.  Drink half bottle of
   vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.
Lunch:
   Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a cigarette (to be eaten, not
   smoked).  One ice cube, if desired.
Afternoon Snack:
   Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve
   and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on
   the rug.
Dinner:
   A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.
   Pour iced tea over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

Day Three
---------

Breakfast:
   Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of
   milk: drink half, stuff pancakes in glass.  After breakfast, pick up
   yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of
   your best chair.
Lunch:
   Three matches, peanutbutter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites onto the
   floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.
Dinner:
   Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.

Final Day
---------

Breakfast:
   A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.  Pour a
   glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add a half-cup of sugar.  Once cereal
   is soggy, drink milk, and feed cereal to dog.
Lunch:
   Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find that sucker and
   finish eating it.
Dinner:
   A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on plate. Stick of
   mascara for dessert.