75 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
75 lines
3.2 KiB
Plaintext
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Computer Diagnosis
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A chap went to his doctor who was very excited about his latest
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aquisition. "I've just got a new computer and it's fantastic!"
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said the doc. The patient didn't like computers but replied
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politely "Oh, really?" "Really!" purred the doc. It not only
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does my bills, and pays my staff, and does my taxes, and orders
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my supplies, and all that stuff.It also does my diagnosis for
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me!
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"Wow" said the unimpressed patient. Undeterred by his patient's
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lack of enthusiasm the doc said, "Look, let me show you. Give me
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your urine specimen!"
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The doc took the little bottle and poured the yellow liquid into
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a small funnel on top of the console. The machine clanked for a
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few seconds and spat out a tiny piece of paper. The doc tore it
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off and without even looking at it himself gave it to his
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patient. "Read that!" he said smugly. The patient read, "You
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are 43 years old. You have tennis elbow in your right arm."
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Handing the paper back the patient said "That's pretty good.
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It got my age right. But my arm is OK. I've never played tennis
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in my life!"
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The doctor was embarrassed. "This hasn't happened before" he
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apologised. "Please, come back tomorrow with another specimen,
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and we'll try it again".
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Being a nice sort of fellow the patient showed up at the doctor's
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the next day with another bottle. The doc poured in the contents
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and machine produced a note identical to yesterday's. The
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patient denied playing tennis but confirmed that at least the
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machine got his age right.
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The doctor moaned,"Look this can't be happening". Please help me
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and come back one more time. I'll get the technicians in here
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tonight to tear this thing apart if they have to. But the
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technicians could find nothing amiss that night.
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At home however the patient was really angry with himself for
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letting the doctor push him around. He didn't like computers and
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come to think of it he didn't like the bloody doctor either! But
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he peed in the bottle and thought "I'm damned if I'm going to
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make it easy for that jerk and his stupid machine!" So he gave
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the bottle to his 16 year old daughter who added some urine of
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her own. She passed the bottle to her older brother who peed
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into it as well.
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Still unsatisfied (and thoroughly and literally pissed off by
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now) the patient went to the garage and drained a little
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crankcase oil from his car into the bottle and stirred it in.
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Feeling somewhat better he had one further inspiration: He
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masturbated and put a little of that into the bottle as
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well...
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"Hmmm.." said the doc looking at the weird contents of the
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specimen bottle. But he poured it into the funnel. The machine
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responed immediately and clanked and groaned for about 10
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minutes. Then it spit out a much larger piece of paper. Afraid
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to look the doc gave it to his patient ....
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The patient read:
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"You are 43 years old.
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"Your 16 year old daughter is pregnant.
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"Your 18 year old son uses drugs.
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"You really should change the oil in your '82 LeBaron."
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"If you don't quit jerking off you'll never get rid of your
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tennis elbow."
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