137 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
137 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
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The Leprechaun Joke
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by David Gerrold
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This happened late on a Sunday night in a quiet little convent just outside of
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the wee little village of Sandy Cove, which is not too far from Dublin town.
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The convent was known as Our Lady of Perpetual Indulgence and the Mother
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Superior was Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan of the
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southern O'Hoolihans and the northern Fitzgeralds. (Of course, you know that
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nothing fits Gerrold, but that's another story.)
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On this particular night in question, it happened that the Mother Superior was
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sitting at her writing desk in the big study on the south side of the
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building, just overlooking the chapel, the sight of which she found to be
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especially calming when she was working on the books for the convent --
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because, y'know, even a convent has its expenses to keep up -- and tonight was
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one of those nights, it having been a particularly long and trying day; but I
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won't get into that here.
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Well, as I was saying, the Mother Superior was working on her account books
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when these two little leprechauns appeared on her desk. They just kind of
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materialized right there -- y'know, like they'd beamed in. There was a big
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leprechaun, just about knee high to a bottle of paddy's, and there was a
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little leprechaun, looking like a very short drink indeed. They were dressed
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all in green, of course, with high boots and buckles, and little green hats
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and felt tunics and gherkins and all the other accourtrements.
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The little leprechaun was a-laughin' and a-gigglin' like he'd swallowed a
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dandelion. The bigger leprechaun, although he really wasn't that big at all,
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looked rather uncomfortable, to say the least. In fact, he was red-faced and
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embarrassed.
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Well, the Mother Superior, Sister Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald
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O'Hoolian (etc.) was quite surprised to see the two little leprechauns on her
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desk. Yes, indeed. Wouldn't you be surprised to have strange little men
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materializing in your house? But, to give the lady her due, she reacted as
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calmly as can be expected under the circumstances. After all, Catholics are
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used to the occasional miracle.
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The little leprechaun, he's pokin' the big one, he's sayin' "Go ahead,
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Shaughnessy -- ask her. Ask her." The big one, the uncomfortable-looking
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one, he hushes the little one impatiently, and he steps forward as politely as
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he can. He takes his hat off his head, he gives a little bow and he says,
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"Beggin' your pardon, Mother Superior. I know it's late, and I know it's the
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Lord's day, but might I be troublin' you for a wee little moment of your
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time?"
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The Mother Superior was very impressed by the leprechaun's politeness, so she
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said to him, "What can I do for ye, little man?"
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The leprechaun took a polite step forward and said, "Could ye be tellin' me
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now, if it's not too much trouble, how many leprechaun nuns do ye have in this
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convent?"
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The Mother Superior blinked in surprise and said, "I've never been asked such
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a question before. To be perfectly honest, I'm sorry, we don't have any
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leprechaun nuns in this convent at all."
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Well, the little leprechaun thought this was so funny, he fell down on the
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desktop, laughing and giggling and clutching his sides like his heart might
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burst. He rolled back and forth and nearly kicked over the Mother Superior's
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ink-bottle. "You see," he said. "You see! I told ye. I told ye."
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The big leprechaun was not very happy with this answer, and he was even less
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happy with the little leprechaun's amusement. He jerked the little leprechaun
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roughly to his feet, slapped him roughly and said, "Hush with ye, Michael, or
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I'll give ye such a thump upside yer head. I'm not through with me askin'."
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And he turned back to the Mother Superior and said, "In that case, if I might
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be troublin' ye for one question more. Surely you must know, it doesn't have
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to be an exact figure, but could ye be tellin' me how many leprechaun nuns
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there are in all of Eire, the Emerald Island?"
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The Mother Superior thought a bit, this was a much harder question to answer,
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and she said:
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"Well, I have done a bit of travelin' for the Arch-Diocese, so I have been to
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a fair number of convents up and down the coast. I'm so sorry to disappoint
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ye, little man, but I've never met a leprechaun nun anywhere in Eire, never
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even heard of one. No, I'd have to guess that there aren't any leprechaun
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nuns at all anywhere in all of Ireland."
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Well, this response was so funny to Micheal, the little leprechaun, that he
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just purely toppled right off the edge of the desk and into the Mother
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Superior's waste-basket, where he lay there gigglin' like a drunken cityman.
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"I told ye," he said. "I told ye." The big leprechaun stepped to the edge of
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the desk and looked down at him and said, "Hush with ye, Michael, or I'll
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give ye a taste of me shilleleagh." And he did, as soon as the little
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leprechaun had composed himself enough to climb back up onto the desk.
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Now, the big leprechaun was looking very upset. In fact, sweat was pouring
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off his brow, and he fingered his collar nervously. He turned back to the
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Mother Superior, Sistery Martha Mary Rose Gilhooley Fitzgerald O'Hoolihan, and
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he said, "Might I be troublin' ye for one more question, Mother Superior.
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Could ye be tellin' me -- how many leprechaun nuns are there in all of the
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Holy Roman Empire? In the Catholic Church, worldwide, under all of the Lord's
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great skies, ye don't have to be accurate -- a ballpark guesstimate will do --
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could ye be tellin' me, how many leprechaun nuns are there in the world?"
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Now it was the Mother Superior's turn to look unhappy. She said, "Look,
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little man, I've tried very hard to be polite with ye. I've tried very hard
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not to hurt your feelin's. But the hard truth of the matter is this: there
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aren't any leprechaun nuns anywhere in the entire world. I've never in my
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life heard of such a thing. No. And I, certainly, would have heard of a
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leprechaun nun, if such a thing existed. It just doesn't exist. There are no
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nuns that are leprechauns. There are no leprechauns that are nuns. None.
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There are no leprechaun nuns at all. Period. None at all."
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At this news, the littlest leprechaun was so beside himself with hilarity and
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amusement that he wet his very pants. He poked the big leprechaun sharply in
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the ribs and he said, "Y'see, Shaugnessy. I told ye. Ye, stupid coot! YE
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FOCKED A PENGUIN!!"
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Press <CR> !
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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