1213 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
1213 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
FORTUNES compiled by Stefan Posthuma
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Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic,
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and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and
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promote intellectual crime.
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Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
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Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
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Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
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Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
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Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
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The most powerful force in the world is that of a frisbee
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straining to land under a car, just out of reach.
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Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even
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when you take Hofstadter's Law into account.
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It is bad luck to be superstitious.
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If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited
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by law.
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When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
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Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
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A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
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There are two types of dirt: The dark kind, which is attracted
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to light objects, and the light kind, which is attracted to dark
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objects.
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The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
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Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
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larger object.
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The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
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stupidity of your action.
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The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
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to.....to........uh..............
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To be or not to be
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-- Hamlet
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To be is to do
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-- Hegel
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To do is to be
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-- Marx
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Do be do be do
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-- Sinatra
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Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
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If anything can go wrong, it will.
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"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
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tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
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less." "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words
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mean so many different things." "The question is," said Humpty
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Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's all."
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Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
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She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
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Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
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Silently scheming,
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Sightlessly seeking
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Some savage, spectacular suicide.
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-- Stanislaw Lem
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Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
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formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
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scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
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wholly unconcerned with what does exist. Indeed, the banality of
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existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
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discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
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problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
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mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were
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all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
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different way......
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A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way
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that you will look forward to the trip.
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I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
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It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
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ingenious.
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In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
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beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
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Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes
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it worse.
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Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
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Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
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When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
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content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
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Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
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Any given program costs more and takes longer.
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If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
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The bigger the mouth, the easier for the dentist...
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Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
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the programmer who must maintain it.
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Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
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want to use it.
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It works better if you plug it in.
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Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
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The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
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the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
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Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
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Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
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Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another
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drink.
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If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not
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bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
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-- Mark Twain
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Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
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Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
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in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
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moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
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a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
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respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
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it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
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then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
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chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
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-- Stanislaw Lem
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There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
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paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
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1.) If the document should exist, it doesn't.
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2.) If the document does exist, it's out of date.
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3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the first
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two laws.
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Probable-Possible, my black hen,
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She lays eggs in the Relative When.
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She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
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Because she's unable to postulate how.
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-- Frederick Winsor
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Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
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that it might be taught to talk.
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Democracy is also a form of worship.
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It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
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-- H. L. Mencken
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Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
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periods of fighting.
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Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
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society.
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-- Mark Twain
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We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
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friends are trying to kill us.
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Do not bend or fold avoid exposure to all magnetic fields...
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... so look out for your pacemaker !
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The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
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Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
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himself a pleasure.
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Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
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have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
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they cannot separately plunder a third.
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Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
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or a left.
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God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
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Dawn: The time when people of reason go to bed.
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While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you
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are safe, for you can watch both of his.
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Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
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Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
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griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
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half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
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eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
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zoology is full of surprises.
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There are four kinds of homicide: Felonious, excusable, justifiable,
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and praiseworthy...
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-- Ambrose Bierce
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Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages
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to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have
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been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
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The goal of mechanical engineering is to build better mousetraps.
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The goal of genetic engineering is to build better mice.
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Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't,
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why you should.
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United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the
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Christmas season was mared by a proclamation of a general strike of
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all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of
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all the patriots of every persuasion.
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Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over
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the world.
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-- Isaac Asimov
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Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
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word what you shouldn't have said.
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Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm
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as it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
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If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four
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tellers?
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Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
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guarantee of eventual success.
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It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about
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the problem.
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Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his
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name correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
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(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name,
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but Americans call him by value.
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The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
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increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
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If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending
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machine, you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button,
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you'll get ice, but no cup.
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Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
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Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
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Those who can't write, write manuals.
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Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
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Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it
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was to avoid responsibility with?
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"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
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-- Yiddish saying
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Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
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1st customer: "I'll have tea."
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2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
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(Waiter exits, returns)
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Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
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On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
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receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
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income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less
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than $283 on the desk before the cashier.
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"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic.
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That route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
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"Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
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business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street
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and worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
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The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
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said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
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"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
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"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
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Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
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people.
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-- W.C. Fields
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Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
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Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe
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a thing he tells you.
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Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
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You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
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today.
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Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
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You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
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Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
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Truth will be out this morning (Which may really mess things up).
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You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a
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senior executive.
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Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
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Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
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Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the
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computer crashes.
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Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and
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moving to a new town.
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Excellent day to have a rotten day.
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You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid
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enough to worry.
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Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
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Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
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nails.
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A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
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Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble
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is they charge fifteen cents for them.
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The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
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get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work.
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You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
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Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to
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stop writing.
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-- R. Geis
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Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
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to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
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-- D. J. Hicks
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The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
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none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
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Don't use excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
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Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get
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you talked about.
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-- Lazarus Long
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According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
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totally worthless.
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Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
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A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
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Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
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Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
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Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
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Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
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Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
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You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
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Surprise due today. Also the rent.
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Good day to let down old friends who need help.
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Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you
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don't have a lucky day this year.
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You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time
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reading this sort of trash.
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Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
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Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
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Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
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Vote for Nobody. Nobody kept us out of war.
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Vote for Nobody. Nobody can save the economy.
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Vote for Nobody. Nobody can help you have a good time.
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Vote for Nobody. Nobody will put a chicken in every pot.
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I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
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Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
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Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
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Drive defensively, buy a tank.
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Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still
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waiting for a dial tone.
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UNIX is like sex - if you've tried it, you can't get along
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without it, if you haven't you really have no idea what the fuss
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is about.
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The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library
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books!
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Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
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Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
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Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
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Keep the world beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
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I can resist anything but temptation.
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Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
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Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
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Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
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Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
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Western Civilization?
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Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
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Xerox never comes up with anything original.
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Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
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Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
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Remember now, no more jokes about eununchs.
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Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen
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at once.
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If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you
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bigger hands.
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Forgetting your superuser password is just God's way of saying
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"BOOGA, BOOGA!"
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A closed mouth gathers no foot.
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Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
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A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
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Q: What's an IBM man-year?
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A: 730 people trying to get a project done before noon.
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Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
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Salvador Hardin
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"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
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away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
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or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
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If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
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Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
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Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
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Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in
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human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
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God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
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If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
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Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
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ourselves.
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Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and
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goes to work.
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As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
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certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
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--Einstein
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"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
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be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
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logic!"
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The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
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There was a young poet named Dan,
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Whose poetry never would scan.
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When told this was so,
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He said, "Yes, I know.
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It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last
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line that I can."
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"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
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If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
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harder.
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-- Pope John Paul I
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There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I
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learn what it is I'll get married again.
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Flappity, floppity, flip
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The mouse on the mobius strip;
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The strip revolved,
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The mouse dissolved
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In a chronodimensional skip.
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Oh, dear, where can the matter be
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When it's converted to energy?
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There is a slight loss of parity.
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Johnny's so long at the fair.
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100 blocks of crud on the disk,
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100 blocks of crud!
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You patch a bug, and dump it again:
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101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
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If the odds are a million to one against something occurring,
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chances are 50-50 it will.
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Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence
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of body is better.
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Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
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coughing.
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Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
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Adult: One old enough to know better.
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Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a
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bad example.
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|
||
|
||
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
|
||
the morning.
|
||
|
||
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from
|
||
barbarism to decadence without touching civilization.
|
||
-- John O'Hara
|
||
|
||
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
|
||
|
||
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off
|
||
your shoes.
|
||
|
||
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
|
||
pedestrians.
|
||
|
||
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
|
||
shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
|
||
-- Mark Twain
|
||
|
||
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as
|
||
well as afterward.
|
||
|
||
"I asked President Reagan what he thought about the IBM PC jr,
|
||
and he replied that he didn't believe in abortions"
|
||
- Steve Wozniac
|
||
|
||
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from
|
||
the poor to protect them from each other.
|
||
|
||
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
|
||
effort to teach them good manners.
|
||
|
||
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
|
||
|
||
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
|
||
tobacco in between.
|
||
|
||
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
|
||
that the other fellow can spell.
|
||
|
||
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
|
||
-- H. L. Mencken
|
||
|
||
|
||
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
|
||
his breath is called the listener.
|
||
|
||
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people
|
||
to eat.
|
||
-- John McNulty
|
||
|
||
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced
|
||
eye.
|
||
|
||
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
|
||
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
|
||
-- G. B. Shaw
|
||
|
||
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
|
||
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
|
||
|
||
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
|
||
|
||
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a
|
||
mistake when you make it again.
|
||
|
||
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a
|
||
picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
|
||
|
||
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter
|
||
it every six months.
|
||
-- Oscar Wilde
|
||
|
||
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that
|
||
way.
|
||
|
||
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
|
||
|
||
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
|
||
|
||
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
|
||
|
||
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
|
||
|
||
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
|
||
it wasn't worth doing.
|
||
|
||
|
||
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
|
||
what is going on.
|
||
This person must be fired.
|
||
|
||
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
|
||
|
||
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought
|
||
to be doing.
|
||
|
||
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
|
||
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
|
||
Boss is reading it.
|
||
|
||
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
|
||
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
|
||
|
||
If you hit two keys on the keyboard, the one you don't want
|
||
will get to the screen first.
|
||
|
||
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
|
||
|
||
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
|
||
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
|
||
reject the proposal.
|
||
|
||
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
|
||
|
||
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem,
|
||
you modify the problem, not the remedy.
|
||
|
||
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
|
||
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
|
||
|
||
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
|
||
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
|
||
|
||
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
|
||
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
|
||
|
||
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't
|
||
mean he knows what it is.
|
||
|
||
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
|
||
|
||
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means
|
||
the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or
|
||
"GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
|
||
|
||
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door
|
||
you're on.
|
||
|
||
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
|
||
remind them of someone else.
|
||
2. The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
|
||
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
|
||
of yourself in person.
|
||
|
||
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
|
||
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted
|
||
to.
|
||
|
||
Likelihoods are 90% against you.
|
||
Superiority is recessive.
|
||
|
||
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're
|
||
too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
|
||
"The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
|
||
Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is
|
||
weak"
|
||
|
||
When it is possible for programmers to program in English we will
|
||
find the programmers cannot write in English.
|
||
|
||
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its electrical cord.
|
||
|
||
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that
|
||
they never have to stop and answer the phone.
|
||
|
||
If computers get too powerfull, we can orgranize them into a
|
||
committee -- that will do them in.
|
||
|
||
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you
|
||
will find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming
|
||
it on the computer.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Stop Dave.
|
||
You're hurting me Dave.
|
||
Look, I know you're really upset now.
|
||
Why don't you sit down and take a stress pill and think things
|
||
overrr...
|
||
|
||
Good morning.
|
||
My name is HAL.
|
||
My instructors name is Dr. Chandraseknasar.
|
||
He has taught me to sing a song.
|
||
He name of the song is 'Daisy'
|
||
Would you like to hear it <y/n>?
|
||
|
||
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.
|
||
But this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine,
|
||
is somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
|
||
|
||
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Eleanor Rigby
|
||
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
|
||
Lives in a dream
|
||
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do
|
||
some more.
|
||
What is it for?
|
||
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
|
||
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
|
||
|
||
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
|
||
it isn't here.
|
||
|
||
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
|
||
|
||
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
|
||
|
||
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group
|
||
divided by the number of people in the group.
|
||
|
||
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Ingrate: A man who bites, the hand that feeds him, and then complains
|
||
of indigestion.
|
||
|
||
Justice: A decision in your favor.
|
||
|
||
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one
|
||
discovered to date.
|
||
|
||
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
|
||
world has ever seen.
|
||
|
||
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
|
||
|
||
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
|
||
-- Mark Twain
|
||
|
||
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is
|
||
called upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
|
||
-- Oscar Wilde
|
||
|
||
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
|
||
|
||
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to
|
||
start with a large fortune."
|
||
|
||
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
|
||
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
|
||
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
|
||
one, and convert to the next higher units.
|
||
|
||
Predestination was doomed from the start.
|
||
|
||
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a
|
||
dark side, and it holds the universe together....
|
||
|
||
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
|
||
|
||
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
|
||
|
||
Love is like a dream - marriage is the alarm clock.
|
||
|
||
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
|
||
-- Voltaire
|
||
|
||
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
|
||
|
||
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to
|
||
guarantee them.
|
||
|
||
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they
|
||
think themselves cleverer than we are.
|
||
|
||
We have the best politicians money can buy.
|
||
|
||
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
|
||
advantage of them.
|
||
|
||
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are
|
||
willing to go through hell to get it.
|
||
|
||
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
|
||
|
||
Love is sentimental measles.
|
||
|
||
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you
|
||
find there is nothing in it.
|
||
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but
|
||
if you really make them think they'll hate you.
|
||
|
||
I never fail to convice an audience that the best thing they could
|
||
do was to go away.
|
||
|
||
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we
|
||
are headed.
|
||
|
||
You may be insane, but you're not crazy.
|
||
|
||
Opinions are like assholes - everyones got one, but nobody wants to
|
||
look at the other guy's.
|
||
Hal Hickman
|
||
|
||
Draft beer, not people
|
||
|
||
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
|
||
|
||
God is an atheist.
|
||
|
||
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
|
||
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
|
||
Massaging the bust of his madam,
|
||
He chuckled with mirth,
|
||
For he knew that on earth,
|
||
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
|
||
|
||
Chaste makes waste.
|
||
|
||
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
|
||
|
||
Coito ergo sum
|
||
|
||
God is not dead -- he's been busted
|
||
|
||
The difference between this company and a cactus plant is that
|
||
the cactus has the pricks on the outside.
|
||
|
||
Software makes hardware happen.
|
||
|
||
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
|
||
|
||
I came; I saw; I f.cked up
|
||
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
|
||
|
||
Cleveland still lives. God must be dead.
|
||
|
||
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of
|
||
a world made for man -- who has no gills.
|
||
|
||
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
|
||
It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
|
||
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
|
||
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
|
||
principal industries of the Orient.
|
||
|
||
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like
|
||
to watch him have another."
|
||
|
||
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to
|
||
stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
|
||
-- R. Geis
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
|
||
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
|
||
-- Lazarus Long
|
||
|
||
...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
|
||
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
|
||
bridge.
|
||
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES 19
|
||
|
||
There was an old pirate named Bates
|
||
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
|
||
He fell on his cutlass
|
||
Which rendered him nutless
|
||
And practically useless on dates.
|
||
|
||
A pretty young lady named Vogel
|
||
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
|
||
A curious mole
|
||
Nosed into her hole --
|
||
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
|
||
|
||
|
||
A mathematician named Hall
|
||
Has a hexahedronical ball,
|
||
And the cube of its weight
|
||
Times his pecker's, plus eight
|
||
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
|
||
|
||
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
|
||
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
|
||
Let V be virginity
|
||
Approaching infinity;
|
||
Let P be a constant persuasion;
|
||
"Let V over P be inverted
|
||
With the square root of Mu inserted
|
||
N times into V ...
|
||
The result, Q.E.D.,
|
||
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
|
||
|
||
A team playing baseball in Dallas
|
||
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
|
||
While this worthy had fits
|
||
The team made eight hits
|
||
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
|
||
A bather whose clothing was strewed
|
||
By breezes that left her quite nude,
|
||
Saw a man come along
|
||
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
|
||
You expected this line to be lewd.
|
||
|
||
There was a young lad name of Durcan
|
||
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
||
His father said, "Durcan!
|
||
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
|
||
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
|
||
|
||
There was a young girl named Saphire
|
||
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
|
||
She said, "It's a sin,
|
||
But now that it's in,
|
||
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
|
||
I am not I, I'm a tree."
|
||
But another, more sane,
|
||
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
|
||
And covered his pants leg with pee.
|
||
|
||
|
||
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
|
||
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
|
||
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
|
||
and it stinks."
|
||
|
||
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
|
||
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
|
||
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
|
||
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
|
||
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
|
||
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
|
||
and none may abide by its strength."
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
|
||
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
|
||
it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
|
||
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
|
||
growth of the Laboratories."
|
||
|
||
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
|
||
it was Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
There once was a hacker named Ken
|
||
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
|
||
So he built him some chicks
|
||
Of silicon chips
|
||
And hasn't been heard from since then.
|
||
|
||
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
|
||
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
|
||
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
|
||
I think someone's coming!"
|
||
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
|
||
|
||
There once was a hacker named Lin,
|
||
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
|
||
A virgin named Joan
|
||
From a bible belt home,
|
||
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
|
||
|
||
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
|
||
can't happen."
|
||
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
|
||
|
||
There once was a couple named Kelley,
|
||
Who lived their life belly to belly.
|
||
Because in their haste
|
||
They used Library Paste,
|
||
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
|
||
|
||
Oh, give me a clone
|
||
Of my own flesh and bone
|
||
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
|
||
And when she is grown,
|
||
My very own clone,
|
||
We'll be of the opposite sex.
|
||
|
||
Chorus:
|
||
Clone, clone of my own,
|
||
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
|
||
And when we're alone,
|
||
Since her mind is my own,
|
||
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
|
||
|
||
-- Randall Garrett
|
||
|
||
"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a
|
||
candidate."
|
||
-- Jerry Dreshfield
|
||
|
||
There once was a young man named Gene
|
||
who invented a screwing machine
|
||
Concave and convex
|
||
it served either sex
|
||
And it played with itself inbetween.
|
||
|
||
Sex is like a bridge game --
|
||
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
|
||
|
||
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought
|
||
you didn't believe in God."
|
||
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but
|
||
the God I don't beleive in is a good God, a just God, a merciful
|
||
God. He's not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
|
||
-- Joseph Heller
|
||
|
||
A pretty young maiden from France
|
||
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
|
||
She let herself go
|
||
For an hour or so
|
||
And now all her sisters are aunts.
|
||
|
||
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a
|
||
vulture, all will end as doves.
|
||
|
||
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
|
||
forgets?
|
||
|
||
Grain grows best in shit
|
||
-- U. K. LeGuin
|
||
|
||
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
|
||
|
||
White: it is a complexion of the mind.
|
||
|
||
Are your brains in gear today?
|
||
|
||
You can't hide anything from a Root.
|
||
|
||
UNIX error: terminal will explode in 5 seconds. Please evacuate.
|
||
|
||
Gee, do you work here?
|
||
And I always thought you were so smart!
|
||
|
||
I have a headache today, leave me alone.
|
||
|
||
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
|
||
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
|
||
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
|
||
inexplicable.
|
||
|
||
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
|
||
-- Douglas Adams
|
||
|
||
Why stop now, just when I'm hating it?
|
||
-- Marvin the Paranoid Android
|
||
|
||
I wish that everyone was as smart as a wyse.
|
||
|
||
ATTENTION
|
||
|
||
This room is equipped with electrical light!
|
||
|
||
This light can be lit with a switch which usually can
|
||
be found next to the entrance of the room.
|
||
|
||
SO DON'T TRY TO LIGHT IT WITH A MATCH.
|
||
|
||
Electrical light has no influence on nightrest,
|
||
functions of hart, liver, lungs of brains.
|
||
Electrical light is clean, does not smell and is very silent.
|
||
|
||
NEWSFLASH
|
||
|
||
Due to a very strange accident involving a irrational particle
|
||
accelerator, a liquid lunch and some rubber bands, (which was very
|
||
strange indeed. Many who tried to imitate it ended up looking very
|
||
silly or dead or both) Wogon Zarniwoop has become immortal. After
|
||
two million years he got so fed up with life and the Universe in
|
||
general and he decided to insult the Universe. This means that he
|
||
intends to insult every living being. He has equipped himself with
|
||
a ship and a computer capable of keeping track of all births and
|
||
deaths in the Universe in alphabetical order. He is currently
|
||
working on the 'B'.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Important message to all Transporter Users:
|
||
|
||
The use of the Cyrius Cybernetics Omnifunctional Mark IV Helmet
|
||
has become compulsary after the following incident:
|
||
A very important delegation of the planet Vl'Hurg was on its way
|
||
to an even more important top-meeting between the military leaders
|
||
of the planet Gl'gugvunt and Vl'Hurg, which were close to start a
|
||
very destructive intergalactic war. The Transporter messed up and
|
||
the delegation ended up on the planet Zergrathea. They were
|
||
captured and due to a very big communications problem, they were
|
||
put in a Zoo under 'rare species'. They did not make it to the
|
||
meeting and a intergalactic war started which lasted 27 years and
|
||
destructed 15 planets including Gl'gugvunt, Vl'Hurg and Zergrathea.
|
||
|
||
This is UNIX, the most wellknown programming language/ operating system,
|
||
you've never heard of.
|
||
|
||
I have great news for you !
|
||
The program you've been working on for over a year....
|
||
has been destroyed by a power dip last night, 3 minutes before your
|
||
backup.
|
||
|
||
So you have to begin all over again...
|
||
|
||
and maybe it'll work this time....
|
||
|
||
Unix, Unix, just another Unix.
|
||
Maybe this time it'll work.....
|
||
-- Luc Rooijakkers
|
||
|
||
The difference between XENIX and UNIX;
|
||
If UNIX doen't work well,
|
||
we take good old XENIX back.
|
||
|
||
Make a fortune with this fortune,
|
||
no one else can do that...
|
||
not even the author of it.
|
||
|
||
Why are so many users of UNIX switching to XENIX ??
|
||
|
||
Nono no fortunes today...
|
||
|
||
AAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRGGGGGLLLLLLLPPPPPPllllllllllgrrr.......
|
||
|
||
Stefan was here.
|
||
|
||
Oh boy, the user is back. Better hide my bits and hope he doesn't
|
||
drive me into a deadlock today.
|
||
|
||
Q Which one doesn't belong in this group ?
|
||
a. Dennie Christian and the marsupulami
|
||
b. Zwangeres zonder naam
|
||
c. Beasty Boys
|
||
d. Sabrina
|
||
|
||
A Sabrina, all others wear ear-rings !
|
||
|
||
Routing, routing, still more routing...
|
||
|
||
Most bugs surface once a program has been delivered.
|
||
|
||
You might have mail.
|
||
|
||
You don't have any mail.
|
||
|
||
You have lots of mail
|
||
|
||
Tommy has just caught a mouse
|
||
|