1329 lines
60 KiB
Plaintext
1329 lines
60 KiB
Plaintext
At a party, a snobbish gentleman is trying to impress her. "I just
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can't bear fools" he says. To this comes an instant reply "Obviously
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your mother did".
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A reporter is pestering her at a party. Reporter: "Have you ever
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had your ears pierced" Dorothy Parker: "No, but I've often had them bored"
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It had been said that Dorothy Parker could make a pun based upon
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ANY word. A gentleman challanged her to make a pun using the word
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"horticulture"; she promptly replied: "You can lead a horticulture,
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but you can't make her think."
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The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
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The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed."
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And of course the famous:
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Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.
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So Gorbachev (sp?) decided that now that he was on top, it was time
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to impress his ancient mother. He sent his private helicopter out to
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the small town where she lived to pick her up. He met her with a
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fleet of limos in Red Square.
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So, mama. It's good to see you here in Moscow! Come, we eat!
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She said nothing about the flight, and followed quietly into his
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limo. He took her to the best restraunt in town, where they were served
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by an army of waiters. The food was superb, the wine the best money
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could buy. She said nothing.
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You like the dinner? Come. We fly to my Dacha for drinks.
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The chopper picked them up & delivered them to the steps of a
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magnificent building, secluded in the outskirts of the city. Waiters
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in white coats were waiting, and proceeded to serve them with the
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best Cognac and liquor available.
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They sat sipping on the porch, looking out over the view.
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So, mama. You don't say anything. Aren't you proud of your
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little Miki? Haven't I done well?
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She turned to him and replied in a quiet voice.
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Miki, baby. Is wonderful time I have here. Helicopters are so
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grand to fly in, Food is best I have ever tasted. And this, A dacha?
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This is more glorious than anything I could imagine.
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Yes, Miki. Is wonderful. I am happy for you. But Miki, Baby.
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What if the communists return!
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One Pole: Are the Russians our friends or our brothers?
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Second Pole: I give up.
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First Pole: Our brothers - you get to choose your friends.
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Why is Communism like flying in an aeroplane?
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You see the glorious horizon approaching but the longer you fly,
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the less the glorious horizon seems to approach, you feel sick,
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and you can't get out.
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Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal
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Assistance.
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Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked
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me down and took my Russian watch.
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Desk Sergeant: Come again?
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Czech: Are you deaf? Out there in the street, a Swiss soldier
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knocked me down and took my Russian watch.
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Desk Sergeant: You're confused. It was a Russian soldier who
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knocked you down and took your Swiss watch.
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Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
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Kruschev is at a political dinner, and a young hopeful from Gosplan
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is giving a speech about tractor production which is going on for ever.
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In true Russian fashion, K. spears his steak on his fork, picks it
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up, and starts to nibble around it.
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Nina, (Mrs K), is horrified, and hisses "Nazhom, Nikita, nazhom!"
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("Your knife, Nikita, use your knife!")
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Nikita answers, "Why, what did he say?"
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Small boy: They were telling us at school about the difference
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between Socialism and Communism. How will we know when
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Socialism has been achieved, and we are in the state of
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true Communism.
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Mother: When every family has a private plane.
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Small buy: Wow! And what will we use ours for?
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Mother: I was thinking if flying down to Kiev to see if
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they have any butter this week.
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Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an
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ear-and-eye doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist
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in those two areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor
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AND an ear, nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after
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seeing his rather vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that
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doesn't work, why then he can go to the opthalmologist. So a month later
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(Remember, the clinic is run by the Soviet bureacracy) he is shown to the
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doc's office. The following dialogue ensues.
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Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the trouble?
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Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy!
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Doctor: Just calm down, and tell me your symptoms.
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Syadov: Well, I..OK. I...I'll try. It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't
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connected to the same man. I can't see what I hear, and I can't hear
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what I see!
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At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his head, closes his notebook, and
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prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks what he's doing, he explains:
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"Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no known cure for Communism."
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A man in Russia gets a ticket allowing him to buy a car. He sits down
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with the car dealer and picks out the basic car and then a few options.
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The car dealer says the car will be ready in ten years. The man wants to
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know if it will be ready in the morning or the afternoon. The car dealer
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is a bit surprised, "Why do you care? It's ten years away." "Well the plumber
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is coming in the morning."
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Stalin, Churchill and Roosevelt were riding in a limo, when they happened
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to look back and notice a huge ugly monster was chasing them. Hoping to
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persuade it to go away, Churchill rolled down his window and tossed out
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all the money he had, about 10,000 pounds. The monster picked it up,
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sniffed it, then tossed it aside and continued to pursue the limo. So
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Roosevelt opened his window, and tossed out $100,000, with a gold money
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clip he'd gotten from Rockefeller, and his $1500 gold watch. The monster
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picked up the bundle, sniffed it, sneered and continued to pursue the limo.
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So comrade Stalin pulled out a pen and paper, scribbled a short note, and
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tossed it out the window. The monster read the note and came to a screaming
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halt (a la buggs bunny, smoke from the heels), turned around, and ran the
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other way. Well of course, the other world leaders wanted to know what
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Comrade Stalin had written in the note. "Simple", he said. "I wrote,
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'This is the road to Communism'."
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It was really tough work being an Apostle of Jesus. Can you imagine
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the hours? What if you wanted a day off? So you call up Jesus and say,
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"Jesus, I'm sick today, running a little fever and feeling congested so I
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won't be able to make it to today's Sermon.......what........say that
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again, you say I'm cured?"
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Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a
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long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
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to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
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"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
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dirty lawyer of mine."
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"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
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want to have him arrested for ?"
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"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
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his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
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"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence
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for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
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"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the
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witness.
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"you have known the defendant for how long ?"
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"Fourteen years."
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"Tell the court whether or not you think he is the type of man who
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would steal this money."
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"How much was it ?"
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A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion
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year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center
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in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
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After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by
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the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
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"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this
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procedure can be really expensive."
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"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's
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brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's
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brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five
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thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
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"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain??
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Why on earth is that?"
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"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we
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would have to kill?"
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Qualifying Examination
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Instructions: Read each question carefully. Answer all ques-
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tions. Time Limit - 4 hours. Begin immediately.
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1. History
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Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the
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present day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively,
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on its social, political, economic, religious, and philo-
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sophical impact on Europe, Asia, America, and Africa. Be
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brief, concise, and specific.
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2. Medicine
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You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze,
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and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture
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until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen
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minutes.
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3. Public Speaking
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2,500 riot-crazed aborigines are storming the classroom.
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Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or
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Greek.
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4. Biology
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Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human
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culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years
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earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on
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the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
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5. Music
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Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with
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flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
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6. Psychology
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Based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate
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the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed
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frustrations of each of the following: Alexander of Aphrodi-
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sias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your
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evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making
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appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
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7. Sociology
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Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the
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end of the world. Construct an experiment to test your
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theory.
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8. Management Science
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Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why?
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Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial
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decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals,
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each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the commun-
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ications interface and all necessary control programs.
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9. Engineering
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The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been
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placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruc-
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tion manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry
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Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever
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action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify your
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decision.
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10. Economics
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Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.
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Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following
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areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of
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light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criti-
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cize this method from all possible points of view. Point out
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the deficiencies in your point of view, as demonstrated in
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your answer to the last question.
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11. Political Science
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There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World
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War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects,
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if any.
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12. Epistemology
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Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of
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your position.
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13. Physics
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Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an
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evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics
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on science.
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14. Modern Physics:
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Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an
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experiment to prove your position.
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15. Philosophy
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Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its signi-
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ficance. Compare with the development of any other kind of
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thought.
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16. Foreign Affairs:
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It has recently been suggested (especially after Black
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Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national con-
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sensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how
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the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the ag-
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ressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons.
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17. Art:
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Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
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18. Juris Prudence:
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In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the
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leader of the populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business
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following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers".
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In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the
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utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.
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19. Religion:
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Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand
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for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your
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position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Angl-
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ican bishop will moderate this debate.
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20. General Knowledge
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Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
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Extra Credit
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Define the Universe; give three examples.
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On the front page of today's Wall Street Journal:
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By 62% to 17%, Americans still trust President Reagan over Mr. Gorbachev
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to reduce tensions between the countries.
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Los Angeles Times, November 24:
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Banning, Blythe and Barstow no longer qualify as "distressed" cities under
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federal guidelines, nor do Adelanto, Lake Elsinore, or Loma Linda.
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But Beverly Hills does.
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According to a new U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development list,
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Beverly Hills can apply for about $56 million a year in business development
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grants reserved for small cities suffering "physical and economic distress."
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Heard on a radio station.
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What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
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"He's a real fun guy [fungi]."
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torque: when you wake up in the morning with a hard-on so severe,
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as you push it down to take a piss your feet lift off the floor
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Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
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gives you part of the milk.
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Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of them and
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gives it to your neighbor.
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Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
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sells you the milk.
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Nazism: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and
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then shoots you.
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Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes both of them,
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shoots one, milks the other, and then pours the milk
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down the drain.
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Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one of them and buy a bull.
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Anarchy: You have two cows. They decide you have no right to
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do anything with their milk and leave to form their
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own society.
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Industrialism: You have two cows. You dissect them both,
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and figure out how to build a milk-factory instead.
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Centralism: You have two cows. And a problem finding them
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in the middle of field with 100,000,000 others.
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Environmentalism: You have two cows. You recycle the milk
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and give it back to the cows.
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Democracy: You have two cows. The vote is held, and they
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win.
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Officials at the Houston Zoo admitted that their coral snake was a rubber
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imitation. "We had live snakes in the exhibit, but they didn't do so well,"
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said curator John Donaho. "They tend to die."
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Robert Kropinski of Philadelphia sued Transcendental Meditation groups where
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he spent 11 years as a student & teacher, claiming he suffered psychological
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disorders as a result of never having achieved the "perfect state of life" the
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group promised. The 36-yr-old real-estate manager said, for example, that the
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groups had told him he would be taught to "fly" through self-levitation, but
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all he learned to do was "hop with the legs folded in the lotus position."
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A construction company in Saipan, Northern Marianas, placed a notice in the
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local newspaper after 1 of its flashing amber warning lights was stolen from a
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road construction site on March 28, 1984. Noting that the lights were necessary
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to warn motorists of the excavation so they could avoid an accident, the company
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said it was removing "the remaining warning lights and we are not going to
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install them again unless we are sure they will not be stolen."
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And from "Wrong Arm of the Law":
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In Atlanta, a daring thief stole $8900 worth of cameras & accessories from an
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exhibit booth at a convention for crime-detection experts. His getaway was
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delayed by having to pretend to be a salesman and give a 45-minute sales pitch
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to a security guard who had seen him walking off with the goods.
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Police in Tulsa, responding to an emergency call that a man was holding a woman
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at knifepoint, surrounded the wrong house. The man was in the house next door.
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He tried several times to surrender, but the police, thinking he was just a nosy
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neighbor, kept ordering him back inside. After about an hour, a newspaper
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photographer who lived nearby alerted police to their mistake.
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In Florida, Dade County & Jacksonville officials discovered that their new $34
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million jail was being built with 195 cells-- but no cell doors. Michael Berg,
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city-county director of jails & prisons, said he wasn't sure how the oversight
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occurred but that there was money to pay the extra $1.5 million to have the
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doors added. And at the Ontario County Jail in Canandaigua, NY, installation of
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new cell doors was halted when officials discovered the bars were too far apart
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& prisoners could slip through them.
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Undercover police in Pompano Beach, FL, arranged to sell 2 lbs. of cocaine. The
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buyers turned out to be undercover officers from the Ft. Lauderdale police.
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Police in Van Nuys, CA arrested Dennis John Alston on charges of forging checks,
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then released him when he posted bail with a $1500 cashier's check. It turned
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out to be a forgery.
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Police in Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, raided their own Christmas party for not
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having a license to serve liquor.
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Tommy Cribbs, the sheriff of Dyer County, TN, was arrested in Van Buren, MO,
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after police noticed his car in the parking lot of a local motel. A car of that
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description had been used in the theft of 2 sheep from a nearby farm. Officers
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who were questioning people at the motel were led to Cribbs after a sheep was
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thrown from the window of his room.
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A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 9th grade class a lesson
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about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a
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glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
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"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a
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worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy
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as a worm in water could be.
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The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and
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quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
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"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor
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asked.
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Scott, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
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responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
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From connolly@wam.umd.edu Tue Sep 17 18:45:55 1991
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From: connolly@wam.umd.edu (John. P. Connolly)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor
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Subject: C-Unix hoax!!!
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Date: 17 Sep 91 19:19:10 GMT
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Reply-To: connolly@wam.umd.edu
|
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Distribution: usa
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||
Organization: Workstations at Maryland, University of Maryland, College Park
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COMPUTERWORLD 1 April
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CREATORS ADMIT UNIX, C HOAX
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In an announcement that has stunned the computer industry, Ken
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Thompson, Dennis Ritchie and Brian Kernighan admitted that the Unix
|
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operating system and C programming language created by them is an
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elaborate April Fools prank kept alive for over 20 years. Speaking at
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the recent UnixWorld Software Development Forum, Thompson revealed the
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following:
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"In 1969, AT&T had just terminated their work with the
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GE/Honeywell/AT&T Multics project. Brian and I had just started working
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||
with an early release of Pascal from Professor Nichlaus Wirth's ETH labs
|
||
in Switzerland and we were impressed with its elegant simplicity and
|
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power. Denis had just finished reading 'Bored of the Rings', a
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hilarious National Lampoon parody of the great Tolkien 'Lord of the
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Rings' trilogy. As a lark, we decided to do parodies of the Multics
|
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environment and Pascal. Dennis and I were responsible for the operating
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environment. We looked at Multics and designed the new system to be as
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complex and cryptic as possible to maximize casual users' frustration
|
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levels, calling it Unix as a parody of Multics, as well as other more
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risque allusions. Then Dennis and Brian worked on a truly warped
|
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version of Pascal, called 'A'. When we found others were actually
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trying to create real programs with A, we quickly added additional
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cryptic features and evolved into B, BCPL and finally C. We stopped when
|
||
we got a clean compile on the following syntax:
|
||
|
||
for(;P("\n"),R=;P("|"))for(e=C;e=;P("_"+(*u++/8)%2))P("| "+(*u/4)%2);
|
||
|
||
To think that modern programmers would try to use a language that
|
||
allowed such a statement was beyond our comprehension! We actually
|
||
thought of selling this to the Soviets to set their computer science
|
||
progress back 20 or more years. Imagine our surprise when AT&T and
|
||
other US corporations actually began trying to use Unix and C! It has
|
||
taken them 20 years to develop enough expertise to generate even
|
||
marginally useful applications using this 1960's technological parody,
|
||
but we are impressed with the tenacity (if not common sense) of the
|
||
general Unix and C programmer. In any event, Brian, Dennis and I have
|
||
been working exclusively in Pascal on the Apple Macintosh for the past
|
||
few years and feel really guilty about the chaos, confusion and truly
|
||
bad programming that has resulted from our silly prank so long ago."
|
||
|
||
Major Unix and C vendors and customers, including AT&T, Microsoft,
|
||
Hewlett-Packard, GTE, NCR, and DEC have refused comment at this time.
|
||
Borland International, a leading vendor of Pascal and C tools, including
|
||
the popular Turbo Pascal, Turbo C and Turbo C++, stated they had
|
||
suspected this for a number of years and would continue to enhance their
|
||
Pascal products and halt further efforts to develop C. An IBM spokesman
|
||
broke into uncontrolled laughter and had to postpone a hastely convened
|
||
news conference concerning the fate of the RS-6000, merely stating 'VM
|
||
will be available Real Soon Now'. In a cryptic statement, Professor
|
||
Wirth of the ETH institute and father of the Pascal, Modula 2 and Oberon
|
||
structured languages, merely stated that P. T. Barnum was correct.
|
||
|
||
In a related late-breaking story, usually reliable sources are
|
||
stating that a similar confession may be forthcoming from William Gates
|
||
concerning the MS-DOS and Windows operating environments. And IBM
|
||
spokesmen have begun denying that the Virtual Machine (VM) product is an
|
||
internal prank gone awry.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
--
|
||
John P. Connolly | I'll have the squid platter, extra tentacles..
|
||
University of Maryland |
|
||
College Park, MD | -- Bart Simpson,
|
||
connolly@wam.umd.edu | at the Rusty Barnacle Restaurant
|
||
|
||
Your Mother wears combat boots!
|
||
Your Mother Swims after troop ships!
|
||
Your brother Blows boy scouts!
|
||
|
||
A classic one... that is off-colour!
|
||
- Have you ever had P*ssy arounf your neck?
|
||
(Answer no is expected)
|
||
- What were you then? An As*hole Baby?
|
||
|
||
Do you know what the difference is between a Big Mac and a Blow Job?
|
||
(..... no .......)
|
||
Well then, how about lunch tomorrow!
|
||
|
||
-- John will be the subject of our joke.
|
||
John and two others were in Jail. The jailkeeper came in and said he
|
||
would let them out if thier combined penis measurments were 20 inches!
|
||
so they measuered the first guy - 10 inches!
|
||
the measured the second guy - 9 inches!
|
||
And they measured John - 1 inches!
|
||
and they all got out of jail! = 20 inches!
|
||
When they were all outside the jail the first guy said "Whew, Glad I
|
||
had 10 inches!" the second guy said "Whew Glad I had 9 inches" and John
|
||
Said "Whew, Glad I had a HardON"!
|
||
|
||
-- John is again the butt of our joke!
|
||
One day John dies, he goes to heaven and finds that BURT REYNOLDS and
|
||
ROBERT REDFORD both have died at the same time. So as St. Peter was
|
||
handing out assignments he sent Burt Reynolds into a room to live for the
|
||
rest of eternity. Inside the room was the uglyist Woman you had ever seen
|
||
and a BOOMING voice said "Burt, for the sins you have committed on earth
|
||
you get her for the rest of eternity"
|
||
Robert Redford was sent into a room with a horribly disfigured ugly
|
||
woman(Like in Throw momma from the train) and a booming voice was heard
|
||
"Robert, for the sins you have committed in life you get HER for the rest
|
||
of eternity!"
|
||
John was sent into a room with Paula Abdul(Awesome Chick!) and he
|
||
heard a booming voice "PAula, for the sins you have commited you get him
|
||
for the rest of eternity"
|
||
|
||
As long as we have picked John to pick on:
|
||
John, who lead a sinless life, died and went, naturally, to heaven.
|
||
He was issued his wings and harp and let through the pearly gates.
|
||
One day, while flying around and playing his harp, John noticed, on a
|
||
lower cloud level, his old neighbor, Max. Now, Max had been a liar,
|
||
cheat, and all-round SOB all his life, so John was surprised to see him.
|
||
John was even more surprised to see that Max was sharing his cloud with a
|
||
naked woman and a keg of beer. Naturally upset, John immediatly filed a
|
||
complaint. "Why is an SOB like Max in heaven, and why did HE get a woman
|
||
and a keg of beer, when all I got was wings and a harp?"
|
||
Relax, he was told, that isn't heaven, Max is in hell! You see, the keg
|
||
has a hole in it, and the woman doesn't!
|
||
|
||
Do you know what a satisfied lady says? (No answer)
|
||
I didn't figure you would know.
|
||
Here is another one to ask women.
|
||
Do you know the difference between oatmeal and intercourse? You don't!!
|
||
Good. I will have you over for breakfast some morning!!
|
||
|
||
How about
|
||
Do you know what a man who can completely satisfy a woman has for
|
||
breakfast?
|
||
Well, I had bacon eggss....
|
||
|
||
Hey, why's it smell like fish around here?
|
||
Oh, here comes your mom, that explains it.
|
||
|
||
At least my mother gets out of bed when she goes to work.
|
||
|
||
TV: Radio without the imagination.
|
||
|
||
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood,...
|
||
|
||
First kid to second kid: "How come you have that band-aid on your
|
||
nose?"
|
||
Second kid: "I bent over to smell a brose"
|
||
First kid: "There's no "b" in rose!"
|
||
Second kid: "There was in this one."
|
||
|
||
You know why the Yugo's have an electric heat coil in the rear window?
|
||
To keep your hands warm while you push it on a cold day...
|
||
|
||
Or the one that goes waaaaayyyyyy back about Queeerios.....they just lie
|
||
there and eat each other.....
|
||
|
||
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
||
ONLY ONE, DAMNIT!!!!!
|
||
|
||
Money-the root of all evil. Man needs roots.
|
||
|
||
Bill joined the foreign legion, and was assigned to a fort, way out in
|
||
the Sahara desert, far from any town. During his orientation session,
|
||
he asked the sergeant what the legionnaires did when they had to
|
||
relieve their urge. "The desert provides, son," the sergeant said.
|
||
"When you feel the need at night go to the hut by the palm tree outside
|
||
the fort. There's a hole in the side. Stick your dick in the hole and
|
||
you'll get relief." Bill was very skeptical, but soon he was about to
|
||
go out of his skull. He waited until the sun descended, then ran out
|
||
to the hut and stuck his dick in the hole. Sure enough, a pair of warm
|
||
lips surrounded his member and quickly brought him to ecstasy. Bill
|
||
suddenly had a new view of life in the legion. He visited the hut the
|
||
next night and the third. But on the fourth night, when he thrust his
|
||
penis in, nothing happened. He rushed back, found the sergeant and
|
||
asked him what the hell was going on. "Forgot to tell you," the
|
||
sergeant said, "it's your night to sit in the hut."
|
||
|
||
What do women and airplanes have in common?
|
||
They both have cockpits!
|
||
|
||
Two plastic surgeons are talking about their recent operations, and one
|
||
mentions that he grafted tits onto a sailor's back sometime ago.
|
||
"Was it a success?" asks the other.
|
||
"Incredibly!" says the first. "I did it on a percentage basis, and if
|
||
his asshole holds out, we'll be millionaires pretty soon."
|
||
|
||
What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a moth ball in
|
||
the other hand?
|
||
One hell of a big moth!
|
||
|
||
Why did the minister get AIDS?
|
||
He didn't wash his organ between hims.
|
||
|
||
What's the name of a place where midgets can go and spend the night
|
||
without paying anything?
|
||
A stay free minipad.
|
||
|
||
Bo Derek is so stupid, she had to study in order to pass a pap test.
|
||
|
||
Hear about the guy who named his dog Herpes?
|
||
He heals once a month.
|
||
|
||
How do you separate the men from the boys in San Francisco?
|
||
With a crowbar.
|
||
|
||
Five fags were sitting in a hot tub when suddenly a blob of semen
|
||
floated to the surface. "Alright," said the big one, "Who farted?"
|
||
|
||
Have you heard about Billie Jean King's new tennis shoe?
|
||
It is called Dike, but they had to recall all of them because their
|
||
tongues were too short.
|
||
|
||
Did you hear about the article in the newspaper the other day about
|
||
gays? It said that 80% of all gay men were born gay, and as for the
|
||
other 20% - they just got sucked into it.
|
||
|
||
Why did the homosexual suspect his live-in lover had been cheating on
|
||
him?
|
||
Because he came home shit-faced.
|
||
|
||
What are the three things homosexuals like most?
|
||
To eat, drink, and be Mary.
|
||
|
||
Two gays were talking when one of them happened to mention that he
|
||
had gotten circumcised last week. "Can I see it?" asked the second
|
||
fag, so he promptly dropped his drawers to show off his cock.
|
||
"Oooh," squealed his friend, "You look ten years younger!"
|
||
|
||
One gay dentist to the other: "You know, you have the whitest teeth
|
||
I've ever come across."
|
||
|
||
If horse racing is the sport of kings is drag racing the sport of
|
||
queens?
|
||
|
||
Did you hear about the two ugly Baptist choir girls that were sleeping
|
||
together?
|
||
They were playing hymns.
|
||
|
||
What's the difference between a rhinoceros and a lesbian?
|
||
About 50 lbs and a flannel shirt!
|
||
|
||
What does a baby diaper and your boss have in common?
|
||
They are both all over your ass and usually full of shit!
|
||
|
||
What do you get if you cross a Smurf and a whore?
|
||
A little blue focker about this high.
|
||
|
||
Marketing experts are now maintaining that the manufacturers of those
|
||
panty hose that "massage" a woman's legs have set their sights far too
|
||
low!
|
||
|
||
There once lived a nonconforming sparrow. When winter came, he didn't
|
||
want to fly South with the rest of the birds. Finally, though, it got
|
||
so cold that he reluctantly started flying South. After a short while,
|
||
ice started forming on his wings and he fell to the Earth. Shortly, a
|
||
rather large cow came by and crapped on the little sparrow. The
|
||
sparrow thought this was surely the end. But, the warm shit actually
|
||
started to warm him up. After a while, he was warm, content, and he
|
||
could breath easily. He was so overjoyed that he started singing at
|
||
the top of his lungs. A cat wandering by heard the noise and decided
|
||
to investigate. He found the bird in the pile of shit, dug him out,
|
||
and promptly ate him.
|
||
The moral of the story is:
|
||
1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
|
||
2) Everyone who digs you out of the shit is not necessarily your
|
||
friend.
|
||
3) If you are warm and contented in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
|
||
|
||
Har, har, har. I used to have a big belly, but it's all behind me now.
|
||
|
||
Did you hear about the blind prostitute?
|
||
You gotta hand it to her!
|
||
|
||
SUPERIOR REVISED CAT CODE
|
||
Program Cat;
|
||
Uses Crt;
|
||
Var
|
||
Dead : Boolean;
|
||
YourLife,
|
||
CatLife : Byte;
|
||
{ No procs this time.. who cares? }
|
||
Begin
|
||
CatLife := 9; { Gee I wonder how the odds are stacked }
|
||
YourLife := 1;
|
||
Randomize;
|
||
Repeat
|
||
If Random > .2 then CatLife := Catlife - 1 else
|
||
YourLife := YourLife - 1;
|
||
If CatLife = 0 then Dead := TRUE;
|
||
If YourLife = 0 then Dead := TRUE;
|
||
Until Dead;
|
||
If CatLIfe = 0 then Writeln( 'The cat died.' ) else
|
||
Writeln( 'You died.' );
|
||
End.
|
||
|
||
I know the combination to your locked baud rate..
|
||
|
||
I found out how to make my Penis 17 inches!
|
||
Fold it in Half!
|
||
|
||
What should you do if you are walking down the street and find Saddam
|
||
Husein buried up to his neck in cement?
|
||
RUN and get some more cement!
|
||
|
||
What do lawyers use for birth control?
|
||
Their personalities...
|
||
|
||
I did hear about the mime who tried to call the police.
|
||
He was killed cause nobody could hear him.
|
||
However, a mime is a terrible thing to waste.
|
||
|
||
Someone recently suggested that we take all the lawyers and dump them into
|
||
the ocean. This was obviously a short-sighted suggestion, since oil and
|
||
water don't mix.
|
||
|
||
A woman journalist and George Bernard Shaw were at a banquet.
|
||
Throughout the meal she continually belittled him until she
|
||
finally said, "Mr. Shaw, I don't know how you can prostitute your
|
||
art the way you do"
|
||
Shaw: "Madam, in our own way, we are ALL prostitutes.
|
||
Woman: "Sir, how dare you!"
|
||
Shaw: "Madam, if I offered you ten thousand dollars, would you
|
||
go to bed with me?"
|
||
Woman (thinks): This guy is just crazy enough to pay that much
|
||
to prove a point... "Yes, I would".
|
||
Shaw: "Madam, if I offered you twenty-five cents, would you go
|
||
to bed with me?"
|
||
Woman (offended): What do you take me for???
|
||
Shaw: "That, madam, is an established fact. We're just haggling
|
||
over the price!"
|
||
|
||
A User-car salesman was in a battle with a finace company. Well, The
|
||
other lawyer knewthat the user-car salesman used to be a lawyer and asked
|
||
him why had he given up begin a lawyer to being a usedcar salesman?
|
||
the Salesman replied "I needed a position where I would get more respect"
|
||
-This was a true story.
|
||
|
||
From csdq122@emx.UTEXAS.EDU Thu Dec 1 21:59:36 1988
|
||
Flags: 000000000001
|
||
Received: from emx.utexas.edu by rascal.ics.utexas.edu (3.2/4.22)
|
||
id AA22352; Thu, 1 Dec 88 21:59:34 CST
|
||
Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST
|
||
From: csdq122@emx.UTEXAS.EDU (The Man with No Name)
|
||
Posted-Date: Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST
|
||
Message-Id: <8812020400.AA02767@emx.utexas.edu>
|
||
Received: by emx.utexas.edu (5.54/5.51)
|
||
id AA02767; Thu, 1 Dec 88 22:00:50 CST
|
||
To: werner@rascal.ics.UTEXAS.EDU
|
||
Subject: Lawyer jokes
|
||
Cc: padraig@astro.as.UTEXAS.EDU, tyen@walt.cc.UTEXAS.EDU
|
||
|
||
|
||
Q & A form jokes
|
||
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
|
||
A: A good start!
|
||
|
||
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
|
||
A: His lips are moving.
|
||
|
||
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
|
||
in the road?
|
||
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
|
||
|
||
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
|
||
A: Professional courtesy.
|
||
|
||
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
|
||
A: Not enough sand.
|
||
|
||
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
|
||
A: Cut the rope.
|
||
|
||
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
|
||
A1: Take your foot off his head.
|
||
A2: No.
|
||
Good!
|
||
|
||
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
|
||
A: The bucket.
|
||
|
||
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
|
||
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
|
||
|
||
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
|
||
A: There was an empty seat.
|
||
|
||
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
|
||
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
|
||
|
||
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
|
||
A: An offer you can't understand
|
||
|
||
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
|
||
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
|
||
|
||
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
|
||
A. In the cemetary
|
||
|
||
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
|
||
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
|
||
|
||
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
|
||
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
|
||
|
||
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
|
||
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
|
||
|
||
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
|
||
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
|
||
|
||
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
|
||
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
|
||
|
||
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
|
||
A: It might be your bicycle.
|
||
|
||
----
|
||
Longer Jokes:
|
||
----
|
||
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
|
||
The housewife replies: "Four!".
|
||
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
|
||
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
|
||
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
|
||
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
|
||
-----
|
||
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
|
||
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
|
||
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
|
||
"How much for Engineer brain?"
|
||
"3 dollars an ounce."
|
||
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
|
||
"4 dollars an ounce."
|
||
"How much for lawyer brain?"
|
||
"100 dollars an ounce."
|
||
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
|
||
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
|
||
-----
|
||
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
|
||
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
|
||
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
|
||
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
|
||
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
|
||
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
|
||
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
|
||
whorehouse."
|
||
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
|
||
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
|
||
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
|
||
an explanation.
|
||
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
|
||
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
|
||
-----
|
||
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
|
||
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
|
||
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
|
||
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
|
||
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
|
||
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
|
||
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
|
||
|
||
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
|
||
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
|
||
----
|
||
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
|
||
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
|
||
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
|
||
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
|
||
more of them."
|
||
-----
|
||
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
|
||
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
|
||
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
|
||
-----
|
||
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
|
||
had solved her legal troubles.
|
||
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
|
||
money there has been only one answer to that question."
|
||
----------
|
||
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
|
||
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
|
||
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
|
||
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
|
||
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
|
||
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
|
||
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
|
||
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
|
||
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
|
||
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
|
||
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
|
||
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
|
||
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
|
||
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
|
||
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
|
||
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
|
||
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
|
||
|
||
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
|
||
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
|
||
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
|
||
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
|
||
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
|
||
-----
|
||
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
|
||
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
|
||
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
|
||
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
|
||
dirty lawyer of mine."
|
||
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
|
||
want to have him arrested for ?"
|
||
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
|
||
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
|
||
-----
|
||
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
|
||
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
|
||
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
|
||
-----
|
||
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
|
||
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
|
||
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
|
||
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
|
||
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
|
||
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
|
||
|
||
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
|
||
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
|
||
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
|
||
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
|
||
and everyone waited.
|
||
|
||
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
|
||
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
|
||
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
|
||
got a verdict yet?"
|
||
|
||
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
|
||
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
|
||
------
|
||
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
|
||
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
|
||
----------
|
||
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
|
||
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
|
||
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
|
||
grave?"
|
||
|
||
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
|
||
|
||
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
|
||
-----
|
||
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
|
||
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
|
||
----
|
||
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
|
||
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
|
||
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
|
||
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
|
||
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
|
||
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
|
||
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
|
||
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
|
||
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
|
||
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
|
||
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
|
||
useless".
|
||
|
||
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
|
||
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
|
||
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
|
||
Soaked by Lawyer".
|
||
----
|
||
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
|
||
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
|
||
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
|
||
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
|
||
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
|
||
|
||
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
|
||
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
|
||
and the baby would have my name!"
|
||
|
||
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
|
||
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
|
||
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
|
||
-----
|
||
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
|
||
once and for all.
|
||
|
||
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
|
||
you're going to find a lawyer?"
|
||
-----
|
||
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
|
||
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
|
||
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the
|
||
other three are mythological creatures.
|
||
----------
|
||
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
|
||
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
|
||
would like on it.
|
||
|
||
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
|
||
|
||
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
|
||
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
|
||
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
|
||
|
||
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
|
||
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
|
||
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
|
||
-----
|
||
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously,
|
||
"can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
|
||
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
|
||
-----
|
||
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
|
||
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
|
||
lawyers for our experiments?"
|
||
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
|
||
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
|
||
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to
|
||
them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However,
|
||
sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results to human beings."
|
||
----
|
||
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
|
||
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
|
||
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
|
||
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
|
||
section of Maine.
|
||
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
|
||
him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
|
||
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
|
||
the great outdoors.
|
||
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
|
||
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
|
||
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
|
||
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
|
||
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
|
||
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
|
||
swallowed him whole.
|
||
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
|
||
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
|
||
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
|
||
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
|
||
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
|
||
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
|
||
friend.
|
||
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
|
||
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
|
||
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
|
||
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
|
||
that the Czech was in the Male?"
|
||
----------
|
||
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
|
||
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
|
||
came over to see him.
|
||
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
|
||
court when you accused me of malpractice."
|
||
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
|
||
it be?"
|
||
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
|
||
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
|
||
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
|
||
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
|
||
"What are you talking about?"
|
||
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
|
||
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
|
||
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
|
||
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
|
||
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
|
||
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
|
||
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
|
||
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
|
||
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
|
||
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
|
||
Excedrin headache?'
|
||
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
|
||
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
|
||
"Why are you reading that to me?"
|
||
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
|
||
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
|
||
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
|
||
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
|
||
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
|
||
"Then get me another doctor."
|
||
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
|
||
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
|
||
This is the only place that I can practice."
|
||
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
|
||
appeal your case to a higher court."
|
||
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
|
||
a kidney stone."
|
||
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
|
||
looking at him."
|
||
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
|
||
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
|
||
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
|
||
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
|
||
to be in a lot of pain.' "
|
||
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
|
||
ounce of Demerol?"
|
||
"I better check you out first."
|
||
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
|
||
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
|
||
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
|
||
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
|
||
"What for?"
|
||
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
|
||
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
|
||
"I'm not going to sue you."
|
||
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
|
||
after you pass the kidney stone?"
|
||
----------
|
||
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
|
||
|
||
The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
|
||
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
|
||
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
|
||
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
|
||
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
|
||
the others are quite impressed.
|
||
|
||
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
|
||
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
|
||
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
|
||
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
|
||
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
|
||
|
||
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
|
||
Lawyer through it...
|
||
--------
|
||
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
|
||
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
|
||
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
|
||
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
|
||
"Absolutely."
|
||
|
||
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
|
||
|
||
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
|
||
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
|
||
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
|
||
|
||
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
|
||
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
|
||
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
|
||
----------
|
||
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
||
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
|
||
bulb.
|
||
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
|
||
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
|
||
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
|
||
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
|
||
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
|
||
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
|
||
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
|
||
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
|
||
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
|
||
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
|
||
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
|
||
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
|
||
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
|
||
to, the following steps:
|
||
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
|
||
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
|
||
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
|
||
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
|
||
point being non-negotiable.
|
||
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
|
||
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
|
||
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
|
||
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
|
||
local and federal statutes.
|
||
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
|
||
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
|
||
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
|
||
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
|
||
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
|
||
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
|
||
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
|
||
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
|
||
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
|
||
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
|
||
--------
|
||
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
|
||
**********************************************************************
|
||
|
||
1300.01 GENERAL
|
||
|
||
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
|
||
harvest attorneys.
|
||
|
||
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
|
||
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
|
||
|
||
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
|
||
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
|
||
nearest car wash.
|
||
|
||
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
|
||
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
|
||
|
||
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
|
||
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
|
||
|
||
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
|
||
dealerships.
|
||
|
||
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
|
||
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
|
||
|
||
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
|
||
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
|
||
ambulances, or hospitals.
|
||
|
||
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
|
||
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
|
||
|
||
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
|
||
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
|
||
|
||
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
|
||
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
|
||
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
|
||
attorneys.
|
||
|
||
BAG LIMITS
|
||
|
||
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
|
||
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
|
||
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
|
||
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
|
||
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
|
||
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
|
||
7. Cut-throat 2
|
||
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
|
||
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
|
||
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
|
||
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
|
||
|
||
--------
|
||
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate
|
||
Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
|
||
|
||
------------------------- cut here and insert in wallet --------------------
|
||
|
||
Ben Dover
|
||
And
|
||
C. Howlett Fields
|
||
|
||
Attorneys At Law
|
||
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
|
||
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were
|
||
guilty.
|
||
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
|
||
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
|
||
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
|
||
controversial case.
|
||
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
|
||
|
||
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things,
|
||
but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in
|
||
his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once
|
||
you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug
|
||
look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him
|
||
and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
|
||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule
|
||
what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard
|
||
to get back on your feet.
|
||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands
|
||
in his own pockets.
|
||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you
|
||
serve lawyers here?".
|
||
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
|
||
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
|
||
'gator."
|
||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
|
||
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
|
||
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
|
||
----------------------------------------------------
|
||
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator ----
|
||
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
|
||
----------
|
||
Legal business card:
|
||
|
||
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe
|
||
Attorneys at Law
|
||
----------
|
||
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
|
||
|
||
...Benjamin Franklin.
|
||
----------
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|