227 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
227 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
Article 20235 of rec.humor:
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Path: ucdavis!ucbvax!pasteur!ames!ncar!unmvax!charon!ee5001ae
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From: ee5001ae@charon.unm.edu (Duke McMullan n5gax)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor
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Subject: A batch of Irish Jokes (some offensive, NOT rot13'd)
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Keywords: Irish, Gaelic, Green, Ethnic, etc.
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Message-ID: <4169@charon.unm.edu>
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Date: 30 Dec 88 17:56:32 GMT
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Organization: University of New Mexico, Albuquerque, NM
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Lines: 213
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Here's a stack of Irish jokes I found in one of my archival files. Some of
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these, I'm aware, have already been sent over the net. I know: that's how I
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got 'em. Others came from other sources. Most are inoffensive; some are quite
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biting. The first one, for instance, may be found offensive by many gays.
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Others will be found offensive by other groups of "right-thinking people."
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Tough.
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Anyone with thin skin is stepping on their own...uh...toe by reading rec.humor.
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Here's a linefeed for thin skinners -- then the fun begins.
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And remember, flames only encourage me.
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Have fun,
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d
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Paddy," asked the barmaid, "what are those two bulges in the front of your
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trousers?"
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"Ah," said Paddy. "They're hand grenades. Next time that queer O'Flaherty
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comes feeling my balls, I'll blow his bloody fingers off!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Two Irishmen met in a pub and discussed the illness of a third.
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"Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die."
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"Shure, an' why would he be dyin'?" asked the other.
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"Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my
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soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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An Irish priest and a Rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a
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train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying "I know that,
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in your religion, you're not supposed to eat pork...Have you actually ever
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tasted it?
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The Rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
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Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion,
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too...I know you're suposed to be celibate. But...."
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The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed
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once or twice."
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There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he
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was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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A cop pulls up two Irish drunks, and says to the first, "What's your name and
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address?"
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"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address."
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The cop turns to the second drunk, and asks the same question.
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"I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea
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pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
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"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
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"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes
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another one!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Irish attempt on Mount Everest was a valiant effort, but it failed: They
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ran out of scaffolding.
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O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he
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slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running
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down his leg.
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"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Then there was the Irishman who sued the local baker for forging the Irishman's
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signature on a hot cross bun....
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What are the best ten years of an Irishman's life?
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Third grade.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately,
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Pat?"
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Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
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His friend asked, "Shure, and what d'ye mean by that?"
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Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought was Mulligan,
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and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one
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another...it was neither of us."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How do you sink an Irish submarine?
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Knock on the hatch.
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Sean was fishing and it started to rain, so he moved under the bridge for
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shelter.
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His pal McGinty saw him and called, "Sean, me boy, are ye afeared of a few
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spots o' rain, now?"
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Sean replied, "I'm not...the fish come here fer shelter."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.
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Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered
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by.
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"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"
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Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest
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man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."
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Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.
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After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't
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do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some
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help."
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As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi
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pull me feet out of the stirrups?"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse
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could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a
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joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.
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Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The
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agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading.
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After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye
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say there?"
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The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
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Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Paddy and Mick were approaching a pub which had been destroyed by an IRA bomb
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only minutes before. As they passed, a head rolled out of the smoldering ruins
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and across the pavement before them. Paddy stooped, picked it up and held it
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for Mick to see.
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"Shure now Mick, isn't this Sean Murphy?"
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"No, Paddy, no, it couldn't be. It's an amazin' resemblance, but Murphy was
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shorter than that."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Did you hear about the Irishman who was tap dancing?
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He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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How can you identify an Irish pirate?
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He's the one with patches over both eyes.
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Paddy was picked up on a rape charge. He was placed in a lineup with ten
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other fellows and the accusing woman was escorted into the room.
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Paddy jumped forward, and screamed "That's her! That's her! Oi'd recognize
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her anywhere!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his
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client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?"
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"Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport."
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The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?"
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"No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed."
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Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "Well, does he go in for
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unnatural connubial practices?"
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"Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don't think he knows anything about the
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connubial."
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Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. "What I'm trying to find out are what
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grounds you have."
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"Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone
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grounds."
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"Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a
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reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you seeking this
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divorce?"
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"Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an
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intelligent conversation."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Tim Kelly was walking therough a dim passageway when someone spoke to him.
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"Good evenin', Kelly," said the muffled figure. "Don't ye be knowin' your old
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friend Grogan any more?"
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Kelly stared at Grogan, whose face was a patchwork of bandages and adhesive
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plaster. One arm was in a sling and he was leaning on a crutch.
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"Saints!" cried Kelly. "Was ye hit by a train, Grogan, or did ye merely jump
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from the trestle?"
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"It could've been both," said Grogan, "considerin' the feel of it. But the
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truth is, I was in bed with Murphy's wife when Murphy himself comes in with a
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murtherin' big shillelagh in his hand, and the inconsiderate creature beat the
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livin' bejazus outa me."
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"He did indade," said Kelly. "But couldn't ye defend y'rself, Grogan? Hadn't
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ye nothin' in your own hand?"
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"Only Mrs. Murphy's ass," said Grogan. "It's a beautiful thing in itself, but
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not worth a dom in a fight."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena
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shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where
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before long, she became a successful performer in show business.
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Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night
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went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child. In
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the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her
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work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know
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what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she
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did on stage.
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She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she
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went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.
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Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged
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ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the
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other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this
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night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern. To Mike
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Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said "Mike, I'll be havin' three whiskeys."
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Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. "Now, Timothy, it's not
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the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. It's celebratin', you are.
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"Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and I'm celebrating me
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first blow job."
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Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. "Now,
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that's special," he said. "For an old customer like y'rself, here's a fourth on
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the house, so I may be sharin' your celebration with you."
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Shandy shook his head, and replied "'Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal, but
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I'm thinkin' if three won't get rid of the taste, four won't either."
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Q: What's Irish and sits outside in the summertime?
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A: Paddy O'Furniture!
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When the Irish say that St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland,
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what they don't tell you is that he was the only one who _saw_ any
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snakes!
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----------------------------------------------------------------------------
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...and that's the batch. Happy Nude Year to all,
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d
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--
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Don't believe everything you read into.
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Duke McMullan n5gax nss13429r phon505-255-4642 ee5001ae@charon.unm.edu
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^(through mid-Dec,'88)^
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