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404 lines
16 KiB
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Newsgroups: rec.humor
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From: tozourp@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu
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Subject: Canonical list of Condom Jokes
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Message-ID: <1993Mar19.153629.2873@guvax.acc.georgetown.edu>
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Date: 19 Mar 93 15:36:29 -0500
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Organization: Georgetown University
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Lines: 395
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Here it is, at long last. The canonical list of condom jokes.
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Perhaps it is fitting (ha!) that this list is rather SHORT.
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If you have any you'd like to add, Email them to me.
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No used condom jokes, please.
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Do you know how to reuse a condom?
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Turn it inside out and wash the fuck out of it.
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What do you call 5 condoms playing metal?
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A rubber band.................
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[ Editor's note: AAAAARRRRGGGHHH!!! ]
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Why did the condom cross the road?
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Because it was pissed off.
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What do a gay and a bungee jumper have in common?
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If the rubber breaks they're both in the shit.
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This isn't a condom joke per se, but it's kinda funny anyway.
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____________________________________________________________________
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TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
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6969 Slippery Root Drive
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Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.
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Dear Mr. Shlypdych,
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We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
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represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
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Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
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Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not
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portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and
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wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.
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We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even
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then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
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to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a
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bicycle grip.
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We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We
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will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by
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chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.
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We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.
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Sincerely,
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Dick Burly, President
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TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
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P.S. Remember our slogans:
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Cover your stump before you hump!
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Don't be silly, protect your willie!
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Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker!
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Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
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If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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CONDOMS DEMYSTIFIED
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There are basically three kinds of condoms: unlubricated latex,
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lubricated latex, and lambskin. The lambskins are no good be-
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cause they haven't been proven to be a barrier to infection.
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Anyway, they're really made of lambies and that makes us sad,
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especially around Easter time. (The real reason we don't like
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them is that they actually smell like lamb. One is tempted to
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lubricate them with mint jelly.)
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There are variations on the basic latex condoms. Some condoms
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are prelubricated, with spermicidal jelly, even. Others are not.
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Strictly B.Y.O.K.Y.
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The strangest variation by far is the ribbed latex condom. Why
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are these condoms ribbed? This is supposed to be stimulating?
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Should one attempt to play washboard tunes on it? This is just
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part of a big problem with condoms. Condoms were, and are, de-
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signed by men.
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If Girls Designed Condoms ...
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What a wonderful world it would be. Skip the ribbing, skip the
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lube. If women designed condoms there is no question that they
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would be padded.
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"But size doesn't matter!" comes a chorus of voices. (The loud-
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est voices come from boys who are peeking. Stop that right now.
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Turn to the sports page immediately.) Sure *length* doesn't
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matter. But give any girl a small dose of truth serum and ask
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her about width.
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Admit it. If padded condoms were placed on the market, hordes of
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screaming women would storm their local druggists and dash out
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with tote bags full. Unfortunately, it wouldn't work. After
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all, there is that ticklish issue of boy sensitivity, which we
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can't overlook, even if we occasionally want to. Padded condoms
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would rob boys of the skin-to-skin sensation they already claim
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condoms rob them of, and we can't have that.
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No, modern women, being kind and sensitive lovers, would
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design whisper-soft condoms, completely transparent and micro-
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scopically thin. The paisley, rainbow, and floral-print condoms
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we designed would be strictly novelty items, kept for special
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occasions only. Ditto the condoms with cute sayings: "Hang in
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there, baby, Friday's coming"; "My girlfriend went to Florida and
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all I got was this lousy condom"; and the classic "I'm with
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stupid" (arrow pointing back toward the boy). Other specialty
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items would include the male-ego condom, which, like black
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olives, come in three sizes: jumbo, colossal, and humongous.
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Naughty subversives would enjoy the Karen Finley assortment,
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colorful, decorative condoms that turn ordinary penises into
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bananas, hotdogs, yams, and more.
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But I digress. The best place to buy condoms is your local
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massive drugstore that has them on display, self-serve, just like
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corn pads or athlete's foot spray.
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So go shopping. Dress cool, hold your head high, read labels,
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make your selection. Be assured that most popular brands come
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with little instruction booklets much like the ones found in
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boxes of Tampax (uh oh -- don't mix them up!). While at the
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drugstore, be sure to purchase at least one of the following
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items: Tickle antiperspirant, Ban Roll-on, or any of the Calvin
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Klein line of men's grooming aids. You'll need these for impor-
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tant condom experiments at home.
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At home, be alone. Light candles. Play inspiring music; any
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record by Rick James will do. Remove one of the condoms from its
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packet. Examine it carefully. Then put it to work. Experiment
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with your slippery new friends; whip those sons-of-gummi-worms
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into shape. Recruit those deodorant bottles and practice, prac-
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tice, practice.
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And how about some new nicknames for the old standbys? Love
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skins. Slicks. Wet suits. Silk stockings. Eight-by-two
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glossies.
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Soon enough, you'll be happy and relaxed, perfectly in control of
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those silly little slips o' sin. But wait. Something's missing.
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Oh yes, the hard part. I mean the good part. I mean, both.
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The Condomed Man
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It is far, far easier to start them on condoms when the relation-
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ship is young. In fact, the condom is a terrific tool of seduc-
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tion when you're ready to make the leap between the sheets. Call
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that someone on the phone and say to him, casual-like, "I just
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bought a new kind of condom and I'm dying to try it out...want to
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come over?" Or when out on the town with your paramour, and the
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clock on the clubhouse wall says thump thump thump, push that
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hunk against the wall and growl, "Listen, buddy. I've got a
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condom in my pocket and I'm not afraid to use it. We're going
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home."
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Welcome To The Safety Patrol
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Before you know it, you'll be a veritable connoisseur of condoms.
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You'll allow them to drop casually out of your purse in front of
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attractive men at cocktail parties. You'll dispense them to
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friends, give lessons, perhaps even roll your own. "Oh, handsome
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boyfriend," you'll soon sigh, "I've always wanted to see you in
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rubber."
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And he won't mind one bit.
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[ Editor's note: yeah, RIGHT! ]
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The following is especially for those of you who doesn't believe
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in using a "CONDOM". If you think it is offending, well, don't
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think it.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS
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PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
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1. Cover your stump before you hump
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2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
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3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
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4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
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5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
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6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
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7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
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8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
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9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
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10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
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11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
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12. If you go into heat, package your meat
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13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
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14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your
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trouser mouse
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15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
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16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
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17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
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18. The right selection will protect your erection
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19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
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20. A crank with armor will never harm her
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21. No glove, no love!
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[ EDITOR'S NOTE: The rest of this post has nothing to do with
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condoms. Well, at least not directly. But it's funny, so I
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thought I'd post it anyway. My apologies if you've
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seen it before. ]
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======================
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THE DIETER'S GUIDE TO
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WEIGHT LOSS DURING SEX
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======================
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED ACTIVITY CALORIES BURNED
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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REMOVING CLOTHES: ORGASMIC INTENSITY SCALE:
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With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35
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Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2
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Orchestra swelled.............6
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UNHOOKING BRA: Birds sang
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Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7
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Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3
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Earth moved..................30
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Lifting partner............15 PULLING OUT:
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Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2
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Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500
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ACHIEVING ERECTIONS: PENIS ENVY:
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For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3
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Losing erection............14 For men......................72
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Searching for it..........115
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GUILT:
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PUTTING ON CONDOM: Despite no formal training,
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With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53
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Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the
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fact that other people are
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INSERTING DIAPHRAGM: starving......................2
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If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3
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Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account..
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Inexperienced..............73 20
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If a man does it..........680 AGGRAVATION:
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Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5
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it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the
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dog during foreplay..........14
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ACCORDING TO NATIONALITY: Partner visiting bathroom for
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Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10
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kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7
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Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40
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Man getting permission.....55
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American- Both on top......60 GETTING CAUGHT:
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By partner's spouse..........60
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SIDE EFFECTS INTERCOURSE: By your spouse..............100
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Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55
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Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100
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Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75
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Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion
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500
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Thanking partner quickly......2
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ORGASM:
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Real.......................27
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Faked.....................160
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THE OFFICIAL SEX QUIZ
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Study each question carefully. Then choose the answer that seems
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more correct, True or False.
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1. A clitoris is a type of flower.
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2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
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3. "Spread-eagle" is an extinct bird.
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4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe heart
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trouble.
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5. A menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels.
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6. A g-string is part of a violin.
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7. Semen is another word for "sailors."
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8. Anus is the Latin word for "yearly."
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9. Testicles are found on an octopus.
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10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles.
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11. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas.
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12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
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13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
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14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke."
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15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
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16. A condom is an apartment complex.
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17. An orgasm is the person who accompanies the choir in
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church.
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18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
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19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickles.
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20. An erection is when Japanese vote for their new
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government officials.
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21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
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22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass.
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23. Pornography is the business of making record albums.
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24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins.
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25. Douche is the Italian word for "twelve."
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26. An enema is someone who is not your friend.
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27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese.
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28. Scrotum is a small planet near Uranus.
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29. A vulva is an automobile from Sweden.
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30. A Fallopian Tube is a part of a television set.
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31. Fellatio refers to an Italian dagger.
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32. Cunnilingus refers to someone who can speak foreign
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languages.
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33. Phallus was a city on the Nile.
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34. VD is an American holiday celebrated on November 11.
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35. Herpes was a Greek god.
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36. A homosexual is a technician who purifies milk.
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37. The ben-wa ball is held every year in Tokyo on June 1.
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TOP SEVEN DUMB THINGS TO DO WITH YOUR DICK:
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7> Use it to discipline your pitbull.
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6> Check that the electric pencil sharpener is working.
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5> Use it to pry jammed toast out of the toaster.
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4> Get a blow job from a cannibal.
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3> Substitute it for a golf tee.
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2> Use it to teach a woman to drive a five speed.
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and number one: (drum role please.....)
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1> Screw the 15 year old daughter of a redneck Texan
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gun salesman!
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21 REASONS CUCUMBERS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
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1. A cucumber won't tell you that size doesn't matter.
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2. A cucumber won't need to be sucked off.
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3. A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
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4. A cucumber won't lie to you about having a vasectomy.
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5. A cucumber won't want to come on your face.
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6. A cucumber won't fall asleep too soon.
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7. A cucumber won't fall asleep on your chest or drool on
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the pillow.
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8. A cucumber won't make you sleep on the wet spot.
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9. You won't find out that a cucumber is: married
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on penicillin
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trying to screw
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your sister.
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10. A cucumber won't grab cash from your purse while you're
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asleep.
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11. A cucumber won't come home late, stinking of beer.
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12. A cucumber won't run off with a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
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13. All cucumbers are fresh and juicy.
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14. You can keep as many cucumbers as you want.
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15. Your mother won't flip out finding a cucumber in your
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house.
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16. Cucumbers don't jam the freezer with food you don't like.
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17. Cucumbers don't stay up until 4 and then demand that you
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take care of them when they get sick.
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18. But on the other hand, cucumbers stay up ALL THE TIME.
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19. Cucumbers don't mind if you enjoy them and a movie at
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the same time.
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20. Nobody calls you a bigot for having a favorite kind
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of cucumber.
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21. The cucumbers you raise don't desert you.
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