568 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
568 lines
18 KiB
Plaintext
Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a light bulb?
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No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
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How many Amish does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Amish don't have light bulbs. They bake pies.
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How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. There were no light bulbs in the 13th Century.
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How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment
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of license fee.
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How many Beverly Hills realtors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Three. One to screw it in and two to learn Arabic.
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How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
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None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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How many Christians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Three. But they're really only one.
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How many European ballet dancers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. They like Danzig in the dark.
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How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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How many Feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) That's not funny!!!
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2) Two. One to change the bulb and one to write about how it feels.
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3) Three. One to screw it in and two to talk about the sexual
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implications.
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4) Four. One to change it, and three to write about how the
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bulb is exploiting the socket.
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5) Three. One to change the bulb, and two to secretly wish they were
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the socket.
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6) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and one to kick the balls off any
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man trying to help the first one.
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How many Greek gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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How many Japanese industrialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Three. One to make sure the new bulb is not foreign, one to change
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the bulb, and one to look into the export potential of the old bulb.
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How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. (That's all right, I'll just sit here in the dark.)
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How many KGB agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw it in and the other to check the microphones.
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How many Mahayana Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Four. One to screw in the light bulb, one to not screw in the light bulb,
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one to not not screw in the light bulb, and one to not do any of these.
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How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One and a half.
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How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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How many Mid-Westerner's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Five. One to change the light bulb, four to read the directions.
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How many Musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to stand around and say,
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Man, if I'd had his studio time, I could have done that.
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How many National Security Council members does it take to change a
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light bulb?
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1) We can't say.
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2) Three, in fourteen countries.
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How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) None of your damn business!
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2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.
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3) 201. One to put it in and 200 to watch it happen without trying
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to stop it.
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How many Oxbridge students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him.
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How many Platonists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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They don't change bulbs. They have nice fires in their caves and if they
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need light they go out and look at the sun...
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How many Pygmies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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At least three.
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How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw it in, and another to repent.
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How many Romanians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
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How many Russian leaders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
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How many Russians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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That's a military secret.
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How many Thomas Edisons does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. He doesn't change them, he makes them.
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How many UNIX gurus does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One, but first he has to determine the correct path.
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How many Unix hacks does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
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How many Vulcans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000.
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How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to not screw in the light bulb.
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How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) Two. One to change the bulb and one not to change it.
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2) None. Zen masters are illuminated by their own inner light.
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How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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All of them.
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How many astronomers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. Astronomers prefer the dark.
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How many auto mechanics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) Two. One to try to put in the wrong lamp, and one to replace the
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broken socket.
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2) Six. One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more
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bulbs.
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How many bankers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Four. One to hold the bulb and three to try to remember the combination.
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How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Five, one to do it, and four to fight off the guitarists trying to force
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him out of the spotlight.
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How many bassists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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It doesn't matter - nobody will notice anyway.
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How many bikers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
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Five. One to change the bulb and four to bitch about the fact that it
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is electric.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
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It doesn't matter because the banjo player is gonna' change it again
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anyway after everybody else is done.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
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They don't. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
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How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw it in and one to complain that it's electrified.
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How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
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This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete
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pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week.
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Meanwhile...
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How many brewers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One third less than for a regular bulb.
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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other
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screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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2) Five. One to change the bulb and four to file an Environmental
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Impact Statement.
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3) One to spot the burned-out bulb, his supervisor to authorize a
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requisition, a requisition typist, twelve clerks to file the
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requisition copies, a mail clerk to deliver the requisition to the
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purchasing department, a purchasing agent to order the bulb, a clerk
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to forward the purchasing order, a clerk to mail-order a receiving
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clerk to receive the bulb ...
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4) Two. One to screw it in and one to screw it up.
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5) None. We contract out for things like that.
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How many chiropractors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Only one, but it takes nine visits.
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How many circus performers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Four. One to change the bulb and three to go, Ta da!
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How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
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45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
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How many conservatives does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Five. One to change it and the others to sit around and talk about
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how much they liked the old one.
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How many consultants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
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2) Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
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How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) None. It turned itself in.
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2) Just one, but he is never around when you need him.
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How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
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installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
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2) That depends on whether it has health insurance.
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3) Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
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How many dope addicts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to roll it and one to light it up.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
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One, but he'll bust ten bulbs before he realizes that you can't just push
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them in.
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
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One, but only after asking, 'why?'
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How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
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Two, one to hold the bulb, and one to turn the drummer's throne.(But only
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after they figure out that you have to turn the bulb)
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How many dull people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One.
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How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to assume the ladder, and one to change the light bulb.
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How many editors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to change the bulb and one to issue a rejection slip to
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the old bulb.
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How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
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None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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How many emergency room technicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One, but the bulb will have to wait forty-five minutes in the waiting room
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first.
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How many ergonomicists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Five. Four to decide which way the bulb OUGHT to turn, and ...
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How many evolutionists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Only one, but it takes eight million years.
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How many fatalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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What does it matter, we're all gonna die anyway.
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How many firemen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Four. One to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
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How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the
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old light bulb was.
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How many fundamentalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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The Bible doesn't mention light bulbs.
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How many gardeners does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Just one. The new light bulbs are just as easy to change as older,
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heavier ones.
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How many generals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1,000,001. One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild
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civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
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How many grocery store cashiers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Are you kidding? They won't even change a five dollar bill.
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How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Five, one to do it, and four to stand around him saying 'I could do that.'
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How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One, but every other guitarist can do it better.
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How many hackers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Huh? You mean it's dark in here?
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How many hardware guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Well, the diagnostics say it's fine, buddy, so it's a software problem.
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How many investment brokers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) MY GOD!! IT BURNT OUT!! SELL ALL MY G.E. STOCK NOW!!!!!
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2) Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and
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sell it before it crashes.
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How many jerks who ask stupid questions does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Change it to what?
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How many jugglers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
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How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
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How many keyboardists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Change it? Heck! I got samples of sunlight, flourescent light,
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moonlight, Pepsi Light... what d'ya want?
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How many keyboardists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Oh, just one... but this bulb won't do... you want to use a 3-way bulb, but
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if you can afford it I hear that next month GE is coming out with...
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How many keyboardists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Two, one to screw in the bulb, the other to patch it into the Korg.
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How many keyboardists does it take to change a light bulb?
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Two: one to light a candle and another to say `Yeah, that's just
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like a real lightbulb'
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How many loggers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One. But he uses a chainsaw.
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How many magicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Into what?
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How many missionaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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101. One to screw it in and the other 100 to convince everyone else to
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screw in light bulbs too.
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How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a
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surprising twist at the end.
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How many newsmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Only one, but he'll tell everybody.
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How many northern Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None of your fing business and have a nice day.
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How many nuclear engineers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do
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with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
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How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None, the old one is probably screwed in too tight.
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How many poets does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle, and one to
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change the bulb.
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How many poor slobs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. Poor slobs don't have light bulbs - they're too expensive.
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How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One. But he has to wait until the light is better.
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How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
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We don't. That's a hardware problem.
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How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) None. The bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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2) Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
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How many psychoanalysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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How many do you think it takes?
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How many punk rockers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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1) Seven. One to get on the chair and six to get on the guest list.
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2) Two. One to screw in the light bulb and the other to smash the old one on
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his forehead.
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How many real men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark.
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How many real women does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. A real woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
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How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a
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store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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How many sex therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to screw it in and one to tell him he's screwing it in
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the wrong way.
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How many sexists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. They'll have their girls do it for them.
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How many singers does it take to change a light bulb?
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Impossible. The singer would say 'The altitude may put unnecessary strain
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on my vocal cords. Have the bassist do it.'
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How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
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Actually, one. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart,
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repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount
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to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb
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fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest
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of the band.
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How many soundmen does it take to change a light bulb?
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Hey man, I just do sound.
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How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
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with brightly colored machine tools.
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How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
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How many teachers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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One if at home, but on school time, four.
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How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light-bulb?
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Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
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How many tourists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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Six. One to hold the bulb and five to ask for directions.
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How many waiters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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None. Even a burned-out bulb can't catch a waiter's attention.
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Q. How many lead singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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A. One - they just stand there and the world revolves around them.
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Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a light bulb (all the
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while arguing about which computer is best)?
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A: An infinite number, because nothing useful gets done while they're
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arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (one who will use any
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computer type that is placed in front of him or her) gets up and changes
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the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd doing
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the arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the
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function is exponential or not is unknown.
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Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001,
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Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of
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the pages state only This page intentionally left blank, and 20%
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of the definitions are of the form A ...... consists of sequences
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of non-blank characters separated by blanks.
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Q: How many Illinois basketball players does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: Only one. But he gets money, a car, and three credit hours for it.
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