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Why are men luckier than cucumber?
- A man don't fit in a food processor
- A man only gets circumcise once (cucumber often gets multiple cuts)
- A cumcumber doesn't have hands when it's desperate
- A man can compact his to travel size
- A man can say 'No, not you I won't'
- A man can say 'No, not tonight we won't'
- Teeth mark on a man will heal
- A man is still whole after being eaten
- A man can survive more than one woman
- A man is no longer a green-horn after sex
- There are no female cucumbers !
*************************************************************************
William Safire's Rules for Writers
----------------------------------
1. Remember to never split an infinitive.
2. The passive voice should never be used.
3. Do not put statements in the negative form.
4. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
5. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
6. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great
deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editting.
7. A writer must not shift your point of view.
8. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
9. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
10. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!!!!!!
11. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10
or more words, to their antecedents.
12. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
13. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linked verb is.
14. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
15. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
16. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with a singular nouns
in their writing.
17. Always pick on the correct idion.
18. The adverb always follows the verb.
19. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable
alternatives.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Chief Executive Officer determined that certain policies must be
changed. So he decreed new rules.
The workers saw the rules and said to the supervisor,
"It is a crock of shit and it stinketh beyond tolerence."
And the supervisor told the manager,
"It is a container of manure (sp?) and the workers
cannot tolerate it."
And the manager told the director,
"It is that which fertilizes, and its strength is
very strong."
And the director told the vice president,
"It promotes growth and is extremely strong."
And the vice president told the president,
"It strongly promotes growth."
And the president said,
"It is good and we will do it!"
________________________________________________________________________
THE SHIT LIST
Ghost Shit -- You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but
there's no shit in the toilet.
Teflon Coated Shit -- Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't even
feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look for
the shit in the toilet to be sure you did it.
Gooey Shit -- This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times
and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in
you underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid
marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Shit -- You're all done wiping you ass and you're about to stand
up when you realize it...you've got to shit more.
Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -- This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis.
It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling,
and purple from straining so hard.
Richard Simmons Shit -- You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.
Right Now Shit -- You better be within 30 seconds a toilet. Usually it has
it's head out before you get your pants down.
Green Shit -- Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.
King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -- This shit is so big that you know it won't
go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat
hanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else's
house.
Cork Shit -- (Also known as Floaters) Even after the third flush, it's still
floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?! This shit also
usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Shit -- This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash
that gets your ass all wet.
Wish Shit -- You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit.
Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -- You wish you'd gotten a spinal block
before you shit.
Snake Shit -- This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb
and at least 3 feet long.
Mexican Food Shit -- (Also Called Screamers) You'll know it's alright to eat
again when your asshole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Shit -- This happens the day after the night before. Normally your
shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD! Usually there's
someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of
shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ladys and Gentlemen:
I stand before and sit behind you
To tell you of something I know nothing about.
Thier will be a meeting tommorrow morning, right after lunch
To decide what color to whitewash the church.
There will be plenty of seats, so sit on the floor.
There will be plenty of food, so bring some more.
Somewhat similar:
Ladels and Jellyspoons,
I come before you to stand behind you
To tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, the day after Friday,
There will be a Mothers Meeting for fathers only.
Entrance is free, you pay at the door,
There is plenty of seating, so you can sit on the floor.
You know you live in a small town when :
Even a 4 year old can tear the phone book.
You turn on your oven, & the street lights dim.
Everyone reads the newspaper to see if the reporter got it right.
.... the water tower is made by Dixie Cup
.... the "Welcome To" and "Thanks For Visiting" signs are mounted on the
same pole
.... everybodies phone number has only 1 digit
.... the only traffic light in town is at a cattle crossing
.... this years United Way drive netted a record $1.75 in contributions
------------------------------------------------------------------
JOY RIDE
(adapted from Sleigh Ride)
Just hear those machines guns rattling, rat-tat-tattling too.
Come on, it's lovely weather for a joy ride together with you.
Outside the night is falling and thugs are calling "yoo-hoo".
Come on, it's lovely weather for a joy ride together with you.
Stick'em. Stick'em. Stick'em. Let's go.
Hand over your dough.
Get'em. Get'em. Get'em. Both hands!
This shouldn't take long. We'll finish this song with blasts from my one
piece band.
My gun is quite a dooey, 'cause it's an uzi, you see.
We smuggle drugs together, 'like killing fuzz and debtors for free.
Let's take that road before us and shoot a tourist or two.
Come on, it's lovely weather for a joy ride together with you.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
OK; here's the Sorority Girl joke list.
1. Q: What do you say to a sorority girl that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
2. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear underwear?
A: To keep her ankles warm.
3. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a Rolls Royce?
A: Not everybody has been in a Rolls Royce.
4. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
A: A toilet doesn't follow you around after you use it.
5. Q: What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her look more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
6. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
A1: You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
A2: You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
A3: You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
A4: There is no difference. They're both round and have three holes
to poke.
7. Q: How are a bowling ball and a sorority girl alike?
A: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
in the gutter and they'll always come back.
8. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girls and hookers?
A: Sorority girls cost less per score.
9. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 pounds.
Q2: How do you equalize the two?
A2: Feed the elephant.
10. Q: What is the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
A1: Introduces herself.
A2: Walks home.
11. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
A: Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
12. Q: How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
A: She drops her nail file.
13. Q: What's a sorority girls favorite wine?
A: "Daaaaaaady, I want to go to Mi-ammmmmmi."
14. Q: What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
A: Don't know. There's only so much an ape can be forced to do.
15. Q: Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
A: 'Cause everybody gets a turn.
16. Q: How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
A: Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door, and throw a
twinkie on the bed.
17. Q: Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
A: You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
18. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
A: Garbage gets taken out once a week.
19. Q: What do you call a 100 sorority girls bathing on a beach in Cuba?
A: Bay of Pigs.
20. Q: What do you call a sorority girl hang-gliding festival?
A: Multiple total eclipses.
21. Q: What is a sorority girls mating call?
A: "I'm sooooooo drunk, I'm sooooooo drunk."
22. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a dog?
A: Driver's will swerve to miss the dog.
23. Q: How many sorority girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: 1, she holds on to it, and the world revolves around her.
A2: 2, one to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call Daddy.
A3: 6, one to screw it in, and five to make T-shirts.
A4: 7, one to change it, and six to go out and buy more Diet Pepsi.
A5: 65, one to change it, and 64 to sing and clap.
24. Q: Why is a sorority girl like railroad tracks?
A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
25. Q: What three words will a sorority girl never hear?
A: "Attention K-mart shoppers."
26. Q: Why does a sorority girl close her eyes during sex?
A: So she can fantasize about shopping.
27. Q: What is a sorority girls favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
28. Q: What's the difference between sorority girls and Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.
29. Q: What do you call a sorority girl's waterbed?
A1: Lake Placid.
A2: The Dead Sea.
30. Q: How do you know when a sorority girl is a nymphomaniac?
A: She'll make love the same day she had her hair done.
31. Q: What's a sorority girl's idea of natural childbirth?
A: No make-up.
32. Q: How do you prevent a sorority girl from having sex?
A: Marry her.
33. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.
34. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.
35. Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.
36. Q: How is a sorority girl like a vacuum?
A: They both suck.
Q2: How are they different?
A1: You can buy a new vacuum when you get sick of it.
A2: You can buy a new vacuum when it no longer sucks.
A3: When a vacuum cleaner is full of shit, it's easy to dump the old bag.
A4: A vacuum cleaner can't suck a golf ball through a garden hose.
A5: A vacuum cleaner can't suck start a Harley.
37. Q: How do you get four sorority girls on one chair?
A1: Tell them there is a rich guy sitting in it.
A2: Turn the chair over, and put one on each leg.
38. Q: What's the difference between a sorority track team and a tribe of
sly pygmies?
A: The tribe of sly pygmies are a bunch of cunning runts.
39. Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and sorority girls have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.
40. Q: What does a sorority girl make for dinner?
A: Reservations.
41. Q: Why does a sorority girl wear a gold diaphragm?
A: So her boyfriend will think he's coming into money.
42. Q: What did the sorority girl say when she knocked over the priceless
Ming vase?
A: "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt."
43. Q: What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a
sorority girl?
A: A prostitute says, "Are you done yet?", a nymphomaniac says, "You're
done already?", and a sorority girl says, "Beige... I think I'll
paint the ceiling beige."
44. Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodl-doooo", while a
sorority girl says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."
45. Q: What do you call 24 sorority girls walking down the street?
A: A case of Schlitz.
46. Q: What is foreplay for a sorority girl?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.
47. Q: How does a sorority girl commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Misc: 1. Tri-delts. I'm sure everyone else has.
2. If your date won't; Tri-delts.
3. Once you've tried everything else; Tri-delts.
There once was a Jewish mother, whose son came home one day and announced
to his mother that he was marrying a Christian and would become a Christian
and no longer be a Jew.
His Mom was horrified and went to see her friend.
She told the friend, "My son is marrying a Chrstian and becoming a Christian
and he will no longer be a Jew."
She said, "Fancy that! That same thing happened to me."
So, they went to see their rabbi, who was in sobs when they went into his
office. They calmed him down enough to tell him what had happened in their
families. The rabbi said, "Fancy that. The same thing happened to me."
So they discussed what they could do, and they all agreed that all they could
do would be to pray to G-d.
So, they all told G-d their story.
And, half way through the story came a booming voice.
"Fancy that..."
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To show the possum it could be done!
--------------
COmplete NORM Sayings from CHEERS.
In chronological order:
No Help Wanted:
Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm?
Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one.
Coach: How about a beer, Norm?
Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life.
Fortune and Men's Weights:
Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm?
Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in.
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach.
Snow Job:
Coach: What's shaking, Norm?
Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach.
Coach: Beer, Normie?
Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week.
Eh, why not, I'm still young.
Norman's Conquest:
[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.]
Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera?
Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe.
I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2)
Coach: What's up, Normie?
Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach.
Diane Meets Mom:
Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie?
Norm: Going down?
[Norm returns from the hospital.]
Coach: What's up, Norm?
Norm: Everything that's supposed to be.
Peterson Crusoe:
[Norm comes in, depressed. He just stands by the door with a sullen face.]
Norm: [mutters] Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm? (Norman?)
The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter:
Sam: What's new, Normie?
Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach.
They're demanding beer.
King of the Hill:
Coach: What'll it be, Normie?
Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel.
The Mail Goes to Jail:
Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Daddy wuvs you.
Behind Every Great Man:
Sam: What'd you like, Normie?
Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer.
Norm: Afternoon, everybody.
All: Norm!
Cliff: Afternoon, everybody.
All: [silence]
The Executive's Executioner:
Sam: What will you have, Norm?
Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass of whatever
comes out of that tap.
Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm.
Norm: Call me Mister Lucky.
Birth, Death, Love and Rice:
Sam: What do you say, Norm?
Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer.
Woody Goes Belly Up:
Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie?
Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town?
Diane's Nightmare:
Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody.
All: Norm! (Norman!)
Sam: Still pouring, Norm?
Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday:
Sam: What's the good word, Norm?
Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.
Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer...
Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah...
Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up.
Love Thy Neighbor:
Sam: Whaddya say, Norm?
Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes.
The Bar Stoolie:
Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer.
The Triangle:
Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Elope with my wife.
[Norm is angry.]
Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Clifford Clavin's head.
Take My Shirt... Please?
Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie.
The Peterson Principle:
Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm?
Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear.
Tan 'n Wash:
Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you?
Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper.
Norm: Hey, everybody.
All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich]
Norm: [carries on both sides of the conversation himself]
Norm! (Norman.)
How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson?
Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.
Home is the Sailor: [the bar is completely different, since Sam went
sailing around the world and sold the bar]
Norm: Hey, everybody.
Woody: Norm! [nobody else in the bar says anything]
Norm: That's it, I'm leaving.
Norm: [comes in, pretending to be Joe Average customer,
as part of operation Wayne Down the Dwain]
Customer: Norm!
Norm: [quietly] Not now!
Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2:
Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass.
A Kiss is Still a Kiss:
Sam: How's life treating you?
Norm: It's not, Sammy, but you can!
Let Sleeping Drakes Lie:
Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody?
Woody: For a beer?
Norm: No, for stupid questions.
Airport V:
Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery.
Let's cut to the happy ending.
One Happy Chappy in a Snappy Serape, Part 2:
Pepe: [something in Spanish]
Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you.
Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here.
Don't Paint Your Chickens:
Sam: Beer, Norm?
Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good.
Call Me, Irresponsible:
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, ``Insert beer here.''
Two Girls for Every Boyd:
Sam: What can I get you, Norm?
Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder?
Ah, just kidding. Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little
suckers.
Feeble Attraction:
Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose?
Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh?
Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh:
Sam: What are you up to Norm?
Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall.
Loverboyd:
Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson.
Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going <down> Mr. Peterson.'
Sam: What do you know there, Norm?
Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me?
Veggie-Boyd:
Sam: What can I do for you, Norm?
Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam.
It's a Wonderful Wife:
Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson?
Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood.
Not yet confirmed against videotape:
Article 30367 of rec.arts.tv:
~From: fam26639@uxa.cso.uiuc.edu (Gangster)
~Date: 21 Dec 90 18:16:30 GMT
"How's it going, Mr. Peterson?"
"Poor."
"I'm sorry to hear that."
"No, I mean pour."
"How's life treating you, Norm?"
"Like it caught me sleeping with its' wife."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, pass the beer nuts."
"What's going down, Normie?"
"My butt cheeks on that bar stool."
"How's life in the fast lane?"
"Dunno, can't get on the on-ramp."
"Pour you a beer, Mr. Peterson."
"Alright, but stop me at one.... make that one-thirty."
"What's the story, Norm?"
"Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy meets another beer."
"How about a beer, Norm?"
"That's that amber sudsy stuff, right? I've heard good things about it!"
"What's going on, Mr. Peterson?"
"The question is what's going in Mr. Peterson. A beer please, Woody."
"What's up, Normie?"
"My nipples, it's freezing out there."
---------------
----
The Canonical List of Banjo Jokes
[No Banjo Pickin' Allowed Around Here]
preface
Below is the much talked about, Canonical List of Banjo
Jokes. Much talked about, but never revealed; until now.
This presentation is the result of the tireless efforts of
an international network of operatives who combed the earth
(and beyond) checking and cross-checking sources to make
sure that this time we had the real thing: the definitive
list of banjo jokes. Some withstood torture--and some paid
the ultimate price: death. So important was our work that
we persevered in spite of the obstacles.
Before proceeding I would like to add a few words of caution.
Banjo jokes are jokes about banjo players, their music,
their instrument, environmentalism, animal rights, human
sacrifice, and interplanetary grave robbing. These jokes
has never been told in their entirety because they are
dangerously funny: no one has ever lived to retell them in
their entirety. we had to taken great precautions to
safeguard our health while compiling this list: each
operative was responsible for a manageably sized module of
the jokes (one not to large as to overcome the individual
with so much mirth that would cause him/her to die laughing.)
As I typed these jokes, I was blindfolded: part of the
jokes were related in various, and obscure languages and
dialects, other parts written, and still other parts
transmitted in braille or Morse code.
Therefore, I caution you to do the following:
1. Under no circumstances should you read any part of these jokes if
you have a heart condition, stroke, or high blood pressure.
2. Form a team, and take turns reading sections of these jokes. If
you find yourself becoming dizzy, or beginning to lose consciousness,
stop immediately.
3. If you have taken recreational drugs within the last 24 hours these
jokes may cause serious health complications.
4. (3) is also true for certain prescription drugs.
5. Refrain from eating, drinking, or engaging in sexual
intercourse while reading these jokes.
6. If you have any questions, please consult a physician before
attempting to read these jokes.
Are you sure you want to read these jokes?
Is your will in order and your life insurance paid up? Is it really
worth the risks?
This is your last chance to exit before being exposed to
the Complete list of 101 Banjokes. These jokes will change
(or end) your life. I cannot give you any guarantees as to
how these jokes will affect you; it all depends upon your
physical and psychological state (which I cannot know.)
Once again, are you sure that you are ready to read the Canonical
List of Banjo Jokes?
This is you last chance!! I mean it! Stop now before it's too late!
God help you and may the force be with you...
Disclaimer: This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters,
places, and incidents are either the product of the author's
imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual
events or locals or persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.
Dedicated to the time and place that is the unique lifestyle of
the banjo player of the '90s in Southern California and the excitement
and freedom that it brings us--it's cheaper than therapy.
What's the difference between a banjo and a(n)...
Chain Saw:
( 1.) a chain saw has a dynamic range.
( 2.) you can turn a chain saw off.
( 3.) South American Macaw: one is loud, obnoxious, and noisy; and the other
is a bird.
( 4.) Harley Davidson Motorcycle: you can tune a Harley.
( 5.) Onion: no one cries when you cut up a banjo.
( 6.) Trampoline: you take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
( 7.) Uzi: an uzi only repeats forty times.
How many banjo players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Five; one to screw it in and four to
( 8.) complain that it's electric.
( 9.) lament about how much they miss the old one.
(10.) complain that Earl wouldn't have done it thataway.
(11.) argue about what year it was made.
(12.) argue about how much it costs.
(13.) ask what tuning she's using.
(14.) stand around and watch.
(15.) 10: one to do it & the other 9 to stand around & say,
"I could have done it better."
(16.) none: but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
How many bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(17.) All of them are too layed back to bother to change it.
(18.) Six: One to change it and five to keep the banjo players
>from hogging the light.
(19.) How many light bulb joke tellers does it take to change a light bulb?
100: One to change it & 99 to make stupid jokes about it...
(20.) What did the banjo player get on his IQ (or SAT) test? drool...
(21.) How can you tell if the stage is level? If the banjo player
drools out of both sides of his mouth.
(22.) Why do some people take an instant aversion to banjo players?
it saves time in the long run.
(23.) What's the difference between a skunk run over on the road and a
banjo player run over on the road? You see skid marks in front of the skunk.
(24.) What's the difference between a run over skunk and a run over
banjo player? The skunk was on it's way to a gig.
(25.) How many banjo players does it take to eat an opossum?
two, one to eat it and one to watch for cars.
(26.) How can you tell the difference between all the banjo songs?
by their names...
(27.) What is the definition of perfect pitch?
Throwing a banjo into a toilet without hitting the seat.
(28.) What do you call a good musician at a banjo contest? a visitor.
What are flaming guitars good for?
(29.) Lighting banjos on fire.
(30.) Kindling.
(31.) Why are banjos better than guitars? they burn longer.
(32.) What's the best thing to play on a banjo? a flame-thrower.
(33.) What's the difference between a fiddle and a violin? Who
cares?!? Neither of them is a banjo!
(34.) What's the best thing to play on a guitar? Solitaire.
(35.) What do you call a guy that hangs around a bunch of musicians?
banjo player / joke teller.
(36.) How can you tell if there's a banjo player at your door?
The knocking speeds up and they don't know when to come in.
(37.) Why do bluegrass banjo pickers always die with their boots on?
So they won't stub their toes when they kick the bucket.
(38.) You're lost in the desert and you see Bugs Bunny, a cactus, and a good
banjo player. Who do you ask for directions? You might as well try the cactus,
the other two are figments of your imagination.
(39.) Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a good banjo player, and an old drunk
are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred
dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are
mythological creatures.
(40.) What is the banjo picker's favorite whine? Play Dueling Banjos...
(41.) Why are all those banjo jokes so darned simple?
That's so bass players can understand them too.
(42.) Where do banjo players play best? In traffic.
(43.) in a galaxy far, far away...
(44.) How do you keep a banjo player in suspense?...
(45.) What is the most important aspect of banjo joke telling?...timing...
(46.) How is playing the banjo a lot like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
you don't have to be very good to get people's attention.
(47.) What do you say to the banjo player in the 3 piece suit?
will the defendant please rise.
What do you get when you throw a banjo and an accordion off the Empire
State Building?
(48.) Who Cares...
(49.) Applause.
(50.) What do you call twenty-five banjos up to their necks in sand?
not enough sand.
(51.) What do you call one-hundred banjos at the bottom of the ocean?
a good start.
(52.) What will you never say about a banjo player?
that's the banjo player's Porsche.
(53.) How can you get a banjo player's eyes to sparkle?
shine a light in his ears...
(54.) You can tune a banjo but how do you tuna fish?
by adjusting it's scales...
(55.) Why do so many fishermen own banjos? They make great anchors!
(56.) Why did the Boy Scout take up the banjo? They make good paddles.
(57.) Why did the banjo player leave his capo on the dashboard?
so he could park in the handicap zone.
(58.) Why did the banjo player cross the road? It was the chicken's day off.
(59.) What is the difference between a banjo player and a prune?
Their color of course!
(60.) How can you tell a herd of banjo players from a bunch of grapes?
Jump up and down on them...If you get wine, you've got grapes!
(61.) I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor
if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm
doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
(62.) "Doctor, doctor will I be able to play the banjo after the operation?"
"yes, of course..." "Great! I never could before..."
(63.) What's the best / fastest way to tune a banjo? with wirecutters.
(64.) Which one of the following does not belong: Herpes, Measles,
AIDS, Banjo Players? Measles--You can get rid of the Measles.
(65.) What should you do if you run over a banjo? back up...
(66.) When do banjo songs sound the best? when they're over.
(67.) Why do fiddlers pick on banjo players?
Because they can't pick on their fiddles.
(68.) Why does everyone pick on banjo players? Because it's so easy!!!
(69.) Well, maybe I should stop picking on banjo players...naaaaaah.
(70.) There's not much between you and a fool is there? Just a banjo...
(71.) Does this kinder, gentler era have room for another generation of
obnoxious banjo pickers telling dumb jokes and playing fast?
(72.) Listener: Can you read music?
Banjo player: not enough to hurt my playing.
(73.) A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender,
"Do you serve banjo players here?"
"Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man.
"Give me a beer, and I'll have a banjo picker for my 'gator."
(74.) A banjo player walked into a bar...another banjo player
walked into the bar...you'd think the second banjo player would
have seen what happened to the first banjo player and ducked!
[under the bar.]
(75.) The Pope and a banjo player find themselves together before
the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent
discussing their respective professions, ol' Saint Peter shows up
to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out
wings, harps, halos, and such, St. Pete decides to show them to
their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete
brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the banjo player will be spending eternity,
(at least until the end of time...) "Hot Dang," the Pope says to
His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to
see my digs!" They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on,
the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until
they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete
indicates the third walkup on the left as the Pope's new domicile
and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a
mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal
here? You put that banjo player-feller in a beautiful estate
and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies: "Look here
old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with
spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're
putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma
together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the
first (non-)damned banjo player to make it up here!!"
(76.) Saint Peter, wanting the new arrivals to feel at home,
promised to spend some quality time with each one. He asked his
first arrival of the day, "Hi! What's your IQ?" "150," he said.
"Great," said Peter, as he showed the man in, "we should get together
tomorrow and discuss the theory of relativity for a while." He
asked the next person, "What's your IQ?" "120," she said. "Fine,
fine," said Peter, "I'd love to take some time with you Wednesday
to discuss current world politics." To the third person, he asked,
"What's your IQ?" "42," drawled the fellow. "Fantastic!" cried
Peter, "I've been looking for years for somebody who could help me
perform a banjo duet!"
(77.) A banjo player goes to his class reunion and meets up with
the smartest kid in his class, "Hi, how are you doing? What have
you been up to?" he says. "I'm doing experimental brain research
at the Salk Institute," replies the smart kid. Then, our hero sees
another classmate of his, who never was very smart. He walks over
to him and says, "Elroy! How are you doing? I've been meaning to
ask you, What type of picks do you use? Heard any good banjo jokes
lately..."
(78.) Strummin on his ole....
An old man was on his death bed and called his whole family together so
that he could bid them farewell and make his peace with the world.
After he said what he wanted to each in turn and he knew he was coming
very close to death he called for all to gather together.
"I have one thing I would like to confess before I go," he
said. They all drew closer. "It was me," cough, wheeze, "I
was the one," he said as they leaned down as close as they
could to hear what he could barely get out in a whisper.
Gasp, cough, "I was the one," cough, wheeze, "in the kitchen with Dinah..."
(79.) A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of brain offered at this
particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for fiddle
player brain?"
"2 dollars an ounce." "How much for mandolin player brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce." "How much for guitar player brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce." "How much for banjo player brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is banjo player brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many banjo players you need to kill
to get one ounce of brain?"
(80.) At a convention of biological scientists one researcher
remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched
>from mice to banjo players for our experiments?" "Really?" the
other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons.
First we found that banjo players are far more plentiful, second,
the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there
are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very
hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
(81.) For three years, the young banjo player had been taking
his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally
managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward
to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of
the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on
her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were
pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could
have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it
would be better to have a bastard in the family than a
banjo player."
(82.) Banjo players spend half their lives tuning and
the other half playing out of tune.
(83.) Banjo pickers: we tune because we care...
(84.) I bought mine tuned.
(85.) Banjo players play requests by multiple choice not fill in the blank.
(86.) "You can pick your banjo and you can pick your nose but you can't
wipe your banjo on your pants."
(87.) "Anyone can play one of them things--all you need is three fingers
and a plastic head"
(88.) The sixth fret on a banjo is a lot like the thirteenth
floor on a building--you don't really need one.
(89.) Banjo players are a lot like sharks--they think they have to keep
playing or they'll sink...
(90.) "Banjos are to music as Spam is to food..."
(91.) "He can't hear you, he's playing his banjo--his brain is disconnected..."
(92.) Play Bluegrass Lite! One third Fewer Notes! Less Picking! Sounds Great!
(93.) Second verse same as the first
A little bit faster and a little bit worse
(94.) Banjo rap
Them Banjo Pickers by Mason Williams
How bout them banjo pickers ain't they fine
Same damn song for three or four times
Them banjo pickers all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and doe see doe
Them banjo pickers talking bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things
Them banjo pickers them poker faced mugs
They never do smile they just play Scruggs
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo rare back and pick it
(95.) The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad
song on the banjo it always comes out so cheerful...
(96.) If you practice, tune, make a sound check, and sit down to play it's
folk music otherwise it's bluegrass.
(97.) Some people call it Cripple Creek--but they're wrong!
(98.) I used to play on tv but my mom said get off or I'd break it!
(99.) After you've played the banjo long enough people will pay you to play;
however, your neighbors will pay you to stop.
(100.) you can either laugh a little faster or
I can tell the jokes a little slower...
(101.) "The only thing worse than telling banjo jokes is laughing at them!"
Glossary
banjopourri: [French; banjo + of pourrir, to rot] a stew,
mixture, medley, miscellany, or anthology of banjos. Coined from potpourri.
stealth banjo player: doesn't have a clue as to how
the song goes--tries to hide behind other musicians.
symbolic bass: got volunteered to play bass in the band but doesn't want to
break a fingernail.
zombiegrass: picture a banjo picker standing straight faced under a large
cowboy hat.
Epilogue
I started collecting banjo jokes in August of 1990 while preparing
for the Julian Banjo, Fiddle, Guitar & Mandolin Contest. Summertime
is the perfect weather for jamming. The New Expression music store
had their annual camp out to start the summer off and by August,
I hit every bluegrass club meeting in greater San Diego County.
Then one night it happened, I was invited to a jam at a
friend's house so I grabbed my banjo and a strawberry pie,
called another banjo player and invited him to join us and
was off. Well, there were so many banjo players at the jam
that night that one of the bass players started with the
banjo jokes (some of which sound a lot like recycled lawyer jokes.)
I tried to forget them and failed so I started
writing them down but my attempts to regain my sanity were
in vain. At least with this I can practice getting the
jokes right or just call them off by number. My quest for
the perfect banjo joke had begun. The consequences of this
have far outreached any expectations I could have had at the time.
At every bluegrass club meeting, Julian, and
New Expression banjo workshop since I have eagerly interrogated
the other banjo players and bluegrassers for new jokes.
I asked the band at the pizza parlor before they went on
and they started telling jokes in between songs. By then
I knew all the answers and my name was becoming synonymous
with banjo jokes!
I posted my jokes to the folk music and
humor news groups of the Usenet electronic computer network
which is sent around the world via the National Science
Foundation Internet computer network and got a reply from
banjo pickers from as far away as England and Scotland.
These jokes go out to the members of the Slow-Jam and end
up in the North County Bluegrass & Folk Music Club newsletter
which goes out and ends up...this is great I get people
mailing me banjo jokes from all over the place.
I sent a copy of my joke collection to the Bluegrass Special and
the dj read some on the air for anyone who was awake on
Sunday night at 11:24 pm. It was finals week and it really
made my day to hear my name on the radio. People have
started to recognize me at bluegrass jams around town as
"the guy with all the dumb banjo jokes."
#1. Down in the bluegrass crossword puzzle in the June 1991 issue
of the San Diego Bluegrass Club newsletter says "Darrell Reich
always has a new one. (two words)" [nine letters.] #1.
Across is "That high lonesome sound...."
I usually start jamming with the joke of the week to warm up. One
of the nicest compliments I've gotten is when someone told me,
"Hey Darrell, I thought you just carried that thing [my
banjo] around and told jokes all day but you're actually
pretty good!" [at playing the banjo not telling jokes.] I
had just told all my jokes and then jumped in with Whiskey
Before Breakfast, the song I picked to play at Julian this year.
The critics [non-banjo players] say, "you would have
to be a banjo player to enjoy these jokes--I'm sure you
and the boys are still laughing..." and it's true fer sure!
So, this is it, my 101 banjo jokes, The Canonical List,
numbered and illustrated complete with preface, disclaimer,
dedication, glossary, epilogue, and appendices, perfect to
just stuff in your case so you'll never be without a comment
on stage or at a jam. Even by yourself--you'll always have
a reason to smile. Enjoy. Keep those cards and letters
coming! I've got one more year of college before I've got
to go and get a real job [the banjo player for Apple
Computers Inc.?!?] If I had to do it all over again, I'd
make the same mistake....
Darrell Reich
9154 Cadley Court
San Diego, California 92129-3348 USA
home phone: (619) 484-5978 work phone: (800) 446-6473
pager: (619) 529-4607 fax: (800) 843-8537
email: dreich@ucsd.edu
Appendix A: 1991 Season and Bag Limits on Banjo Players
1. Any persons with a valid hunting license may harvest
banjo players.
2. Taking of banjo players with traps
or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is
prohibited.
3. Killing of banjo players with a vehicle
is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead banjo
player to the roadside and proceed to the nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest banjo
players from snow machine, hay wagon, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "jam",
"bluegrass", or "free pizza" for the purpose of trapping
banjo players.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo
players within 100 meters of Jeep or Ford Dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use drugs, cute girls, $100 bills,
or banjo PA system sales to attract banjo players.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt banjo players within 200 meters
of acoustic music stores, bluegrass club meetings, parking
lot picking sessions, pizza parlours, or Radio Shack stores.
9. If a banjo player is appointed to a government
position of senior responsibility, it shall be a felony to
hunt, trap, or possess them.
10. Stuffed or mounted banjo players must have a state health department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and hoof-and-mouth disease.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, female banjo player, pizza delivery
person, talent scout, girl scout, sheep, illegal provider
of copyrighted music, bookie, or tax accountant for the
purpose of hunting banjo players.
Bag Limits
yellow bellied sidewinder 2 reputable banjo players Extinct
two faced banjo players 1 banjo joke teller 2
back stabbing frailer 1 brown nose picker 1
big nosed singer 3 tab pirate 2
dr: 09.22.91 a ha ha
Appendix B: ten easy steps to better banjo playing...
The Doc Stock Banjo Method
or Any jerk can play the banjo
so why not you too?
by Jim Rosenstock
Lesson 1: Beat It!
The most common mistake of the beginning banjo player is to play
too gently. True, musical instruments require great care and
special handling, but banjos should not be confused with these.
There are three basic licks that are used in playing the banjo:
the hit (abbreviated h in tablature), the harder hit (H), and the
beat (B). Learn these three licks, and soon you'll be able to play
anything! Remember -- Hit 'em again, hit 'em again, harder, harder!
Lesson 2: Stage Presence
A dignified stage presence will do more
than anything else to create the impression that you are a serious,
professional musician. This is to be avoided at all costs--you have
a reputation to maintain, after all! While playing on stage, you
should: (1) slouch, (2) drool, (3) pick nose, (4) bump fiddler,
(5) cross eyes, (6) pour beer on self, and/or (7) stare off into
space. The more you can do at once, the better.
Lesson 3: Tuning your banjo
Musicians make a very big deal about "getting in tune."
Fortunately, you're a banjo player, and therefore need not
be so hung up. There are three basic ways to tune a banjo:
(1) With a tuning fork: Tap the fork on a hard surface. Listen to the
clear bell-like tone. Make sure none of your strings duplicate this tone.
(2) With an electric tuner: Tap the tuner on a hard
surface. Continue as with method (1).
(3) With a fiddle: Tap the fiddle on a hard surface. Continue as above.
Lesson 4: Tunes and Tablature
It's a well-kept secret that there are really only four tunes
in old-time music: the G Tune, the A Tune, the D Tune, and the C Tune.
It's an even better-kept secret that these four tunes sound
exactly the same. Tablature is a simplified form
of musical notation used by musicians to preserve music on paper.
Avoid all tablature--you will get nowhere as a banjo player by
imitating musicians.
Lesson 5: Drugs, FastFret(tm), pizza, strawberry pie, & Banjo Playing
Just say, "Why not?" [refer to page 1 and Appendix A]
Lesson 6: Playing with Musicians
Playing with musicians is always scary for the beginning
banjo player. You should not be intimidated,
though, because musicians like to have a banjo player or two around.
Even the most mediocre group of musicians will sound great by
contrast when a banjo player is added. So get in there and start jamming!
Lesson 7: Banjo Paraphernalia
A capo allows the banjo player, once out of tune
in one key, to quickly be out of tune in any other key.
A case protects your banjo from abuse,
except when it is being played. This is really unimportant, but
where else can you put all your cool bumper stickers?
A dog will follow a banjo player around and keep everyone uncertain as to
which is responsible for the odor.
Beer is the experienced banjo player's favorite liquid to spill on
the dance floor, dancers, and/or musicians. Sometimes
it is filtered through the kidneys first.
Lesson 8: Name That Tune
As mentioned previously,
there are only four tunes, and they all sound the same. It is
definitely uncool, however, to let on in public that you know this,
so here's a list of titles for The Tune: Turkey in the Straw, Bug
in the Taters, Paddy on the Turnpike, Fire on the Mountain, Billy
in the Lowground, Drugs in the Urine Sample, Christ on a Crutch,
Monkey in the Dog Cart, Logs in the Bedpan, Ducks in the Millpond,
Pigeon on a Gate Post, Water on the Knee.
Lesson 9: Three Myths Dispelled
Myth Number 1: It takes hard work and talent to play the banjo.
Fact: The only talent most banjo players have is
a talent for avoiding hard work.
Myth Number 2: You can make good money playing the banjo.
Fact: People will frequently pay you much better money to stop.
Myth Number 3: Your banjo will make you friends wherever you go.
Fact: This is only true if you never go anywhere.
Lesson 10: The Universal Banjo Tune
----H----B---h---B----------H-------B---B-H--------
--h---H--B---------B--------H---H---B-H-B---H------
---------B-----h-----B------H-B---------B-----H----
-----------h-----------h----------h----------------
------------------------------------------------B--
h=hit it! H=hit it harder! B=beat it!
This article was reprinted from the February 1990 issue of The Daily Clog,
Julie Mangin, editor. 12 issues for $8.00. 95 East Wayne Avenue, Apartment 312
Silver Spring MD 20901; (301) 495-0082.
Appendix C: Telling jokes by the numbers...
A tabloid reporter went to the annual banjo joke teller's
convention to report on it for her newspaper. Part of the
convention was a joke competition. The first comedian came
out and said, "Number 236." The crowd burst out laughing.
The next comedian walked on stage and said, "Number 1265."
A round of laughter gripped the audience. Some of the people
around the reporter even fell out of their chairs.
Another one came out and said, "Number 876." The chuckling lasted
for minutes. The confused reporter turned to the person
seated next to her and asked, "I don't get it. Why are they
just saying numbers?" The guy replied, "Well, we know all
the jokes by numbers, so all the competitors have to do is
give the number."
The next comedian came out and said,
"Number 834." Silence. Not even a guffaw... The reporter
asked, "What happened?" "Some people just don't know how
to tell a joke."
The next comedian came out and said,
"Number 1254." The audience erupted with raucous laughter.
More hysterics than any of the previous comedians. The
reporter asked, "What happened?" "That was a joke we had
never heard before."
pictures: the Far Side Cartoons...
wait, wait what's that sound, what's that sound...
Devil: Here's your room Mistro...
Docter, doctor, I've come all the way from Alabama with this thing
stuck on my knee...
Banjo Dinner Music Cartoon...
The Compulsive Lyre (Harp) "no, no I'm a banjo..."
The New Slow-Jam Logo a turtle playing the banjo wearing sunglasses.
"The Grandfather's Clock was too tall for the shelf so they remodeled
the den..."
Joke of the week: "Frets ain't nothing but speed bumps on a banjo..."
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