344 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
344 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
**************************************
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*PRESENTED TO YOU BY DANIAL MONAGHAN.*
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**************************************
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* *
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* Good crowd..good crowd. I'm telling
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* you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok
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* now but last week I was in rough
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* shape.. you know.
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*
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* Why? I looked up my family tree and
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* found out I was the sap.
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*
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* I come from a stupid family. During
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* the civil war my great uncle fought
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* for the west!
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*
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* My father was stupid. He worked in a
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* bank and they caught him stealing
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* pens.
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*
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* When I was born..the doctor came out
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* to the waiting room and said to my
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* father.. "I'm very sorry. We did
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* everything we could..but he pulled
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* through."
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*
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* My mother had morning sickness after
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* I was born.
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*
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* My mother never breast fed me. She
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* told me that she only liked me as a
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* friend.
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*
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* My father carries around the picture
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* of the kid who came with his wallet.
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*
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* When I played in the sandbox the cat
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* kept covering me up.
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*
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* I could tell that my parents hated
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* me. My bath toys were a toaster and
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* a radio.
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*
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* Some dog I got too. We call him
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* Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in
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* every room.
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*
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* What a dog I got. His favorite bone
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* is in my arm!
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*
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* I worked in pet store and people
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* kept asking how big I'd get.
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*
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* One year they wanted to make me
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* poster boy.. for birth control.
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*
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* I remember the time I was kidnapped
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* and they sent back a piece of my
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* finger to my father. He said he
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* wanted more proof!
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*
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* My uncle's dying wish was to have me
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* sitting on his lap. He was in the
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* electric chair.
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*
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* I went to a phreak show and they let
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* me in for nothing.
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*
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* I stuck my head out the window and
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* got arrested for mooning!
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*
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* Once when I was lost.. I saw a
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* policeman and asked him to help me
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* find my parents. I said to him.."Do
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* you think we'll ever find them." He
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* said.."I don't know kid.. there are
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* so many places they can hide."
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*
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* I remember I was so depressed I was
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* going to jump out a window on the
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* tenth floor.. so they sent a priest
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* up to talk to me. He said.."On your
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* mark..."
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*
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* On Halloween..the parents send their
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* kids out looking like me.
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*
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* Last year.. one kid tried to rip my
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* face off!
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*
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* Now it's different.. when I answer
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* the door the kids hand me candy.
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*
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* When my old man wanted sex.. my
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* mother would show him a picture of
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* me.
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*
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* I had a lot of pimples too. One day
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* I fell asleep in a library. I woke
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* up and a blind man was reading my
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* face.
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*
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* My wife made me join a bridge club.
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* I jump off next tuesday.
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*
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* One time I went to a hotel. I asked
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* the bellhop to handle my bag. He
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* felt up my wife!
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*
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* It's tough to stay married. My wife
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* kisses the dog on the lips..yet she
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* won't drink from my glass!
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*
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* Last week my tie caught on fire.
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* Some guy tried to put it out with an
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* axe!
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*
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* For two hours..some guy followed me
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* around with a pooper scooper.
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*
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* I met the surgeon general. He
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* offered me a cigarette!
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*
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* This morning when I put on my under
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* wear I could hear the Fruit of the
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* Loom guys laughing at me.
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*
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* A travel agent offered me a 21 day
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* special. He told me I would fly
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* from New York to London. Then from
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* Tokyo back to New York.I asked him..
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* "How am I supposed to get from
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* London to Tokyo?" He told me.."That
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* is why we give you 21 days."
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*
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* Another travel agent told me I could
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* spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days..
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* just nights.
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*
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* My problem is that I appeal to
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* everyone that can do me absolutly no
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* good.
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*
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* They say.."Love thy neighbor as thy
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* self." What am I supposed to do?
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* Jerk him off too?
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*
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* At christmas time I sat on santa's
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* lap. His fly was open. Boy..what a
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* present he gave me!
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*
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* My sex life is terrible. My wife put
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* a mirror over the dogs bed.
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*
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* Actually she did put the mirror over
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* our bed. She says she likes to watch
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* herself laugh.
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*
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* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a
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* peeping tom booing me.
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*
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* My wife only has sex with me for a
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* purpose. Last night she used me to
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* time an egg.
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*
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* I asked my wife if she would put out
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* the garbage. She said.."Why should
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* I.. you never put out for me."
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*
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* I asked her if she enjoys a
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* cigarette after sex.She said.."No..
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* one drag is enough."
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*
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* I got myself good this morning too.
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* I did my push ups in the nude..but I
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* didn't see the mouse trap.
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*
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* A girl phoned me and said.."Come on
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* over there's nobody home." I went
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* over. Nobody was home!
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*
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* A hooker once told me she had a
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* headache.
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*
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* I went to message parlor. It was
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* self service.
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*
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* My only thrill is self inflicted
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* hickies.
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*
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* If it weren't for pick-pocketers i'd
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* have no sex life at all.
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*
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* I was making love to this girl and
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* she started crying. I said.."Are you
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* going to hate yourself in the
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* morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate
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* myself now."
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*
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* She was no bargain either. She
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* showed up with pigtails under her
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* arms.
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*
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* She was fat and ugly. She was so fat
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* that...
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*
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* - She got on the scale and a card
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* came out saying.. "One at a time."
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* - Her bath tub has stretch marks.
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* - Her belly button makes an echo.
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* - She has her own postal code.
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* - She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS"
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* bra.
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* - She has a dress with a sign on
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* the back saying.. "Caution wide
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* load."
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* - Her clothes are made by Omar the
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* tent maker.
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* - When guys have sex with her they
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* ask for directions.
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* - One day I ran into her with my
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* car. She asked me why I didn't
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* ride around her. I told her that
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* I didn't think I had enough gas.
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* - Her bikini is made out of two bed
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* bed sheets.
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* - When guys eat her out they ask for
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* provisions for the trip.
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* - Her mother ripped when she had
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* her.
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* - She uses a septic tank for a
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* toilet.
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*
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* She was so ugly that...
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*
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* - She was known as a two bagger.
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* That's when a girl is so ugly that
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* you put a bag over your head in
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* case the bag over her head breaks.
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* - I bent down to pet her cat only
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* to find that it was the hair on
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* her legs.
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* - I took her to a dog show and she
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* won first prize.
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* - They use her in prisons to cure
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* sex offenders.
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* - I took her to the top of the
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* Empire State building and planes
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* started to attack her.
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* - She looks like she came second in
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* a hatchet fight!
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* - The last time I saw a mouth like
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* hers it had a hook on the end of
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* it.
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* - She has a face like a saint. A
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* saint bernard!
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*
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* I was tired one night and I went to
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* the bar to have a few drinks. The
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* bartender asked me.. "What'll you
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* have?" I said.."surprise me." He
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* showed me a naked picture of my
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* wife.
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*
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* During sex my wife always wants to
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* talk to me. Just the other night she
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* called me from a hotel.
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*
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* My marriage is on the rocks again.
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* Yeah..my wife just broke up with her
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* boyfriend.
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*
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* One day..as I came home early from
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* work..I saw a guy jogging naked. I
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* said to the guy.."Hey buddy..why are
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* you doing that for?" He said..
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* "Because you came home early."
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*
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* I went to look for a used car. I
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* found my wife's dress in the back
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* seat!
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*
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* Once in a restuarant I made a toast
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* to her.."The best woman a man ever
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* had." The waiter joined me.
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*
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* Its been a rough day. I got up this
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* morning..put on a shirt and a button
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* fell off. I picked up my breifcase
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* and the handle came off. I'm afraid
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* to go to the bathroom!
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*
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* I had a problem. I tried group sex.
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* Now I have a new problem...I don't
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* know who to thank!
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*
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* My friends and I played a new
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* version of Russian roulette. We
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* passed around six girls and one of
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* them had VD.
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*
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* I went to see my doctor.. you know
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* him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah..I
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* told him once.. "Doctor.. every
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* morning when I get up and look in
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* the mirror..I feel like throwing up;
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* what's wrong with me?" He said.."I
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* don't know but your eyesight is
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* perfect."
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*
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* I remember when I swallowed a bottle
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* of sleeping pills. He told me to
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* have a few drinks and get some rest.
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*
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* I told him I think my wife has VD.
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* He gave himself a shot of
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* penicillin.
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*
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* I told my dentist my teeth are going
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* yellow. He told me to wear a brown
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* necktie.
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*
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* He found a new way to cover up his
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* bad breath...he holds up his arms.
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*
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* Why every time he smokes..he blows
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* onion rings.
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*
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* My physchiatrist told me I'm going
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* crazy. I told him.. "If you don't
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* mind I'd like a second opion. "He
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* said.."Alright..you're ugly too."
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*
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* I was so ugly..my mother used to
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* feed me with a sling shot!
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*
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* When I was born the doctor took one
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* look at my face...turned me over and
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* said.. "Look...twins!"
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*
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* And we were poor too. Why if I
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* wasn't born a boy..I'd have nothing
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* to play with!
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