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O.J. Simpson: Canonical O.bligatory J.okes List [10/01/94]
This is the Canonical List of O.J. Simpson jokes. Additions, corrections,
and other comments regarding this list should be sent to me at:
v120qldp@ubvms.cc.buffalo.edu
This list will be posted on the first day of every month on rec.humor and
alt.tasteless.jokes.
If this list is stored on an ftp site, let me know and I'll put the site
addresses here.
You can get this list via WWW at: http://www.cs.odu.edu/~cashman/OJ.html
I did some changes this month, mostly in an attempt to move stuff out of the
miscellaneous group. I also moved some jokes out of one group and into
another where I thought they'd be more appropriately filed. I only have time
to Subject-scan the newsgroups, so if you post an O.J. joke, use a
distinctive Subject line ("OJ" or "Simpson" is just fine). Feel free to mail
me jokes, but don't waste my time by sending me jokes that are merely
re-worded rather than original. John Elway the slow, white Bronco and Nicole
the Pez Dispenser are already here. I'm not going to put differently-worded
copies of the same joke on the list twice.
I. Football and other sports-related jokes 31
II. Hertz Rental Car, Ford Motor Company, and acting-related jokes 25
III. Orange Juice puns 16
IV. Prison and killing-related jokes 18
V. Jokes with O.J. and other celebrities 18
VI. Miscellaneous jokes 39
New stuff is marked with a star - *
I. Football and other sports-related jokes
1. Q: How do we know that Thurman Thomas didn't kill O.J.'s ex-wife?
A: Thurman would have fumbled the knife.
2. O.J. was the first running back to run 2000 yards and the first murderer
to run 2000 miles!
3. B oy B oy B oy B oy
I I t I I
L ove L ooks L ove L ove
L ife L ike L osing L osing
S entences S an Quentin S pouses S anity
4. I heard that O.J. was no longer the prime suspect in the case. The reason
being that as an ex-Buffalo Bill, if he were going to murder her, he
would have done it the Buffalo Bill way and choked her.
5. O.J. used to play football. Now it looks like he played sock-her as well.
6. He's still a great footballer ... Still slices up the opposition wherever
he finds them!
7. Q: Did you hear O.J. has refused to play on the prison football team?
A: He heard they wanted him to line up in a four-point stance.
8. Q: Did you hear the Bills fired Marv Levy?
A: They felt the team lacked a killer instinct, so they hired O.J. Simpson.
9. O.J. ran for more yards in one evening than in 8 years with Buffalo.
10. Q: What was O.J.'s favorite play in the Bills' playbook?
A: Cut left, then slash right!
11. Rumor has it that instead of giving Juice the chair for a guilty conviction,
they are going to sentence him to play two more years in Buffalo.
12. Q: Why did O.J. kill Goldman?
A: To prove the Bills could slaughter the competition and not just choke.
13. Q: Why did O.J. kill his ex?
A: He wanted to terminate her free agency.
14. Q: Why did O.J. go to Chicago after killing two people?
A: It was the perfect place for a three-peat!
15. At the end of the regulation marriage, without any additional scoring,
the only thing left was sudden death.
16. O.J.'s final run, although spectacular, epitomized his career. Just think
what he could have done if he had just had some really good blocking.
17. I heard O.J. tried to kill his wife in Buffalo, but they retired his .32.
18. More evidence that O.J. didn't kill his ex-wife:
Any man who can sit beside Howard Cosell on Monday Night Football
without killing him would never kill anyone.
19. O.J. was offered a plea bargain. Life in prison without parole, or a
season behind the Cleveland Browns line. He took the life sentence.
20. Q: Did you hear what the longest drive was during the U.S. Open?
A: O.J. Simpson - 61 miles.
21. Q: Who's the most famous Los Angeles Dodger?
A: O.J. Simpson.
22. Heard on one of the New York City radio stations:
"I tried to watch the Knicks game last night, but all I kept seeing
were those Ford Bronco commercials."
23. O.J. play by play:
"Well, there's not much time left, they have to make a big play soon ..."
"Movement in the backfield, It's O.J.! What a move! He breaks away from a
pack of defenders, he's going 10, 5. He just might make it."
"He cuts to the 91...now streaks down the 405. They can't catch him!"
"Looks like he's going to make it, and...ooohh....They bring him down in
the driveway, just short."
"What a play...One we'll all remember...One for the record books, O.J.'s
longest run from skirmish."
24. O.J. Simpson will go down in history as one of the most versatile players
in history...
He entered the NFL as a running back...
He entered prison as a tight end...
and will leave prison as a wide receiver!
25. Q: Did you hear that the police are now saying that O.J. moved the bodies
after the murders?
A: They are accusing him of 2 carries for 58 yards.
26. The police are now saying that the murder weapon was a set of hedge
clippers. O.J.'s lawyers think that instead of getting the death
penalty, O.J. will get 15 yards for clipping.
27. Police are now saying that O.J. is no longer a suspect because they found
a Super Bowl ring at the murder scene.
28. Q: Did you hear experts have already predicted the Super Bowl champion for
next season?
A: It's going to be the San Quentin prison football team.
29. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Elway?
A: One drives a slow, white Bronco. The other *is* a slow, white Bronco.
*30. The NFL announced its 75th anniversary team. O.J. Simpson was selected
as one of the running backs. When informed of the honor, O.J. could
only say that he was glad he'd made the cut...
*31. Here's a joke I heard this morning on a Phoenix radio station.
Q: Did you hear that they've already selected a jury for the O.J. trial?
A: They've been looking for someone who won't be needed for the next
six months and knows nothing about football, so they selected
the Arizona Cardinals coaching staff!
II. Hertz Rental Car, Ford Motor Company, and acting-related jokes
1. Did you hear about Hertz's new billboard?
It's a picture of O.J. Simpson with a caption, "Hertz: For Great Getaways!"
2. Q: What was Nicole Simpson's last words?
A: Stop, O.J.! It Hertz!
3. Well I don't buy his alibi either. Have you seen the way O.J. moves
through an airport? And he's real quick at rental cars too...
4. I guess everyone in the L.A. Airport thought O.J. was just shooting a new
rental car commercial when they saw him running through the airport!
Coincidence? I think not!
5. Did you hear that Hertz Car Rental Agency is changing its name to Killz?
6. A new Ford Bronco is being marketed to replace the Eddie Bauer model.
It is the O.J. model. It comes with storage for your knives and
bloody gloves, stain-resistant carpeting, extra fuel capacity for
those long trips and a cellular phone. Takes you for the drive of
a lifetime.
7. Q: Did you hear about the new Hertz commercial?
A: O.J. is seen running through the airport, jumping over seats and babies
in strollers, to catch his plane for Chicago. The rental agent is
frantically running after him yelling, "Mr. Simpson, Mr. Simpson, you
forgot your bloody glove!"
8. Q: Whatever drove O.J. to kill his wife?
A: A Hertz Rent-A-Car.
9. New, from Hertz: The "O.J. Weekend Getaway Special!" Your choice of
Bronco, with enough gas to go 70 miles. And you end up at your
front door!
10. The police say a jogger claims to have seen O.J.'s car at the murder
scene the night his ex-wife was killed. He should have rented a
car from Hertz.
11. Q: Is O.J. Simpson still the spokesman for Hertz?
A: Not exactly.
12. Actually I heard that Hertz just renewed O.J.'s contract. Only now
he's making license plates for them.
13. I heard that O.J. lost his Hertz Rental Car endorsement contract, but he
has a new endorsement offer.
Taco Bell has hired him to "Run for the Border."
14. Q: How do we know it wasn't someone from Avis who killed them?
A: Whomever did it sure didn't try very hard.
15. Now I know why O.J. did all those Hertz commercials: Practice.
16. I've heard that O.J.'s troubles have resulted in at least one commercial
endorsement contract being cancelled.
Apparently it's _killed_ his Ginsu Knife deal!
17. Naked Gun 44 1/4 - Nordberg gets The Chair!
18. They are going to remake the movie "The Longest Yard," starring
O.J. Simpson as himself.
19. Q: Did you hear that Hertz dropped O.J.?
A: Chicago Cutlery picked him up.
20. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson movie?
A: It's called "Sex, Knives, and Athletic Tape."
21. Q: Why did O.J. kill his wife the way he did?
A: He was practicing for a part in a new movie: Jock the Ripper
22. Q: Did you hear Nicole Simpson got her own endorsement offer?
A: She's going to be a Pez Dispenser.
*23. Q: Did you hear about the "Simpson Special" from Hertz?
A: You get a free police escort when you rent a Bronco.
*24. Some Ford dealership had a white Bronco displayed prominently.
After Simpson's flight from justice, they put up a sign that read
"As Seen On TV."
*25. Special News Release-----Ford Motor Company-----Detroit, Michigan
As of Friday, June 24, 1994 the 1994 Ford Bronco has officially been
selected as the vehicle of choice for felons everywhere.
The conclusive California road test, seen on national TV, proved
without a doubt that the 1994 Bronco con successfully hold
off 18 or more polie cars, 3 helicopters and the entire
population of the United States for more than 90 minutes.
Imagine how well it works when going over 40 miles an hour!
The vehicle works equally well while parked in the driveway
of your residence.
If you are a felon, then we have a special deal for you on a brand
new 1995 Ford Bronco. Simply go to your local Ford dealer
and ask for the new O.J. Package.
Picture yourself leaning comfortably back in your seat listening to
the gentle swirl of helicopter blades and the purring of
police cars.
And, if you act now, we will throw in the O.J. Magical Disappearing
Ginsu Knife at no extra charge. Be the first in your cell
block to own the new 1995 Ford O.J. Edition Bronco.
$1500 Down and $259 per month. Tax and registration extra. Defense
attorney not included.
III. Orange Juice puns
1. Q. What did Mike Tyson have for breakfast?
A. Fresh-squeezed O.J.
2. Looks like they'll be putting the juice to the Juice...
3. Did you know that he confessed? Yeah, they squeezed it out of him.
4. The real reason O.J. is being detained by the police is that he does
really poorly in the interrogations. You see, O.J. has a problem:
He can't concentrate.
5. Q. How do you get an electric chair to work?
A. Give it the Juice!
6. After O.J. is sent to prison, all the inmates will be asking each other,
"Have you had your O.J. this morning?"
7. IMPORTANT Commodities News Flash! O.J. futures have fallen 12 points...
8. New cocktail: Bloody Screwdriver
Start with O.J., 1 ounce of bitters, add sliced tomato and chopped fruit.
9. Q: Hear about the new Bronco drink?
A: It consists of a couple of jiggers followed by a bunch of O.J. chasers.
10. Q: What do the LAPD and Tropicana have in common?
A: They both have O.J. in a can.
11. My mom tried to give me some orange juice this morning.
I told her, "No way, mom! O.J. will KILL you!"
12. Q: What is the difference between Tang and O.J.?
A: Tang won't kill you!
13. Q: Why do they call him O.J.?
A: Because he beats the pulp out of his women.
14. There is a new drink out in the bars now, called the Bloody Nicole.
It's the same thing as a Bloody Mary but instead of adding tomato juice,
you add O.J.!
15. Q: What was the last thing Nicole said?
A: "I should have had a V-8."
16. Q: Did you hear about the new contract the Florida Orange Juice Association
is going to offer O.J. Simpson?
A: They'll pay him a million a year for the rest of his life. All they
want him to do is change his name to Snapple!
IV. Prison and killing-related jokes
1. Q. Why won't prison be that different for O.J.?
A. He will still have big guys opening holes for him.
2. Q. Why did O.J. Simpson go to Chicago?
A. To find a clean towel.
3. O.J. showed up at his lawyer's office wearing shorts and a Hawaiian
shirt. The lawyer says, "Why are you dressed like that?" O.J. says,
"Didn't you say I was going to Cancun?" To which the lawyer replies,
"No. I said, 'You're going to the can, coon.'"
4. Headline for the Daily Fishwrap...
THE JUICE NOOSES DEUCE! STILL ON THE LOOSE!
By the way, wouldn't it be humorous if they pan the cameras across the
crowd at the NBA finals, and there he sat watching the game?
5. Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: O.J. paying a visit to his ex-wife.
6. When O.J. gets to prison and converts to the Nation of Islam, he'll of
course change his name to O.J. X.
7. Q: Why does everyone want O.J. over for Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He sure knows how to slice the hell out of white meat!
8. At O.J. Simpson's arraignment yesterday, the prosecutor said "..and we will
prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Mr. Simpson committed this crime
with malice and forethought." At which point a confused O.J. blurted
out, "That's not true! I did it alone!"
9. Q: Why were the police suspicious after they called O.J. in Chicago?
A: He denied he was the culprit, and even suggested they come to the golf
tournament and see how bad his slice was.
10. Q: Why did O.J. stop at his ex-wife's house on his way to the airport?
A: He had some time to kill.
11. Q: Why did O.J. flee?
A: He was mad about not being Grand Marshall in the Rose Parade.
12. The defense may claim O.J. was acting on the advice of his marriage
counselor. After the last attempt at reconciliation had failed, the
counselor told the distraught O.J. to make another stab at it.
13. Q: What did O.J. say to Goldman when he found him with his ex-wife?
A: Hey pal, mind if I cut in?
14. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite soft drink?
A: Slice.
15. Q: What is O.J.'s motto?
A: If you can't beat 'em, stab 'em.
16. O.J. Simpson got sent to jail and is laying in his cell all depressed.
His cellmate says to him, "Hey, it's not all that bad. We have a lot
of activities around here. Do you like sports?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"Do you like football?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"You'll like Mondays then. Do you like baseball?"
"Hell yeah," says O.J.
"Great! You'll love Wednesdays then. Are you gay?"
"Hell no!" says O.J.
"Damn, I guess you'll hate Fridays."
17. O.J. is introduced to his new cellmate, a huge, nasty-looking guy doing
consecutive life sentences. He says to O.J., "Look here, we gonna
get somethin' straight right off da bat. Are you gonna be da
husband oh da wife?"
O.J. says, "What?!"
The guy gets real mad and says, "Are you gonna be da husband oh da wife?!"
O.J. thinks fast. If he says "wife," he reasons, he'll get it up the
wazoo in a matter of nanoseconds.
O.J. says, "I'll be the husband."
The guy then says, "Okay then. Now get down on yo knees and suck yo
wife's dick!"
*18. Q: What did O.J.'s kids get him for a present?
A: A shiny, new suicide watch.
V. Jokes with O.J. and other celebrities
1. Q: What do O.J. Simpson and Michael Jackson have in common?
A: They are both missing a glove.
2. Q: What did Michael Jackson say to O.J. Simpson?
A: Don't worry, I'll take care of the kids.
3. Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O.J. Simpson?
A: O.J. started out with millions.
4. Q: Do you know why O.J. drove around as long as he did?
A: He was waiting for a call from Dr. Kevorkian!
5. Q. What's the difference between Ryne Sandberg and O.J. Simpson?
A. Ryne lost his killer instinct and O.J. found it.
6. Q: Did you hear John Wayne Bobbit called O.J. last night?
A: He wanted O.J. to know that he knows what it feels like to be
separated from a loved one.
7. Q: What do you get when you put Lorena Bobbit, Tammy Faye, and O.J. Simpson
in the same room?
A: A butcher, a Bakker and a license plate maker.
8. Q: Why did O.J. sit in the Bronco for so long?
A: Because Rodney King called him and told him not to get out of the car.
9. Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Dahmer and O.J. Simpson?
A: O.J. only ate one of his victims.
10. Q: What do O.J. and Pee-Wee Herman have in common?
A: They were both arrested for abusing their loved ones.
11. Q: Did you hear that Joey Buttafuoco went to visit O.J. in prison?
A: He told O.J. that he should have had his girlfriend do it.
12. Q: What did O.J. say to Larry Bird and Michael Jordan?
A: Out the Bronco...Over the driveway...Into the house...Out the backyard
...Down the street...To the condo...Nothin' but neck.
13. Q: What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and John Bobbit?
A: O.J. can still get off.
14. Q: What do Shaquille O'Neal and O.J. Simpson have in common?
A: They both spend a lot of time at court.
15. Here's my favorite of today's bunch broadcast on Comedy Central.
"If a former pro football player had to kill his wife, why couldn't
it have been Frank Gifford?"
16. Sarah Brady sent a letter to O.J.:
Dear O.J.,
I'm very disappointed in you. Why didn't you use a gun?
17. Heard (in a Carnac routine) on the Howard Stern show:
"In jail, on Fox, underground...Where do you find the Simpsons?"
*18. Q: What do you get when you mix O.J. Simpson, Dr. Ruth Westheimer and
Tonya Harding?
A: Killer sex that will bring you to your knees!
VI. Miscellaneous Jokes
1. Houston schlockjocks on morning radio used the following subject:
Good prison names for O.J. Maybe that will get you started.
Only heard a couple... O.rifice J.amboree got my vote.
2. Q. What does O.J. stand for?
A: Obdurate Jerk Objective Jury? Obligatory Jokes
Obsessively Jealous Obstinate Jealousy Obstreperous Journey
Oh, Jailer! Open Jugular Orange Jumpsuit
Out Joyriding Outlaw Jock Outlook: Jail Outta Job
3. Following is evidence that O.J. is not the killer:
1. They only found one glove - Michael Jackson actually did it.
2. If he murdered her, it would Hertz his advertising career.
3. The Juice was capable of putting the squeeze on his ex-wife, but
never beating the pulp out of her.
4. It is proven that murderers have little ability to think, but
everyone has seen O.J. concentrate.
5. The pattern of stab wounds is irrefutable - any football fan knows
that O.J. could never cut to the left.
4. Q: Have you heard about the new children's game?
A: It's called "Where's O.J.?"
5. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite song?
A: 'I Used to Love Her But I Had to Kill Her' by Guns 'n' Roses.
'Communication Breakdown' by Led Zeppelin
'Run to the Hills' by Iron Maiden
'911 It's a Joke' by Public Enemy
'I Can't Drive 55' by Sammy Hagar
'The First Cut is the Deepest' by Rod Stewart
'Love Hurts' by Nazareth
'If You Want To Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life
(Never Make A Pretty Woman Your Wife)' by Jimmy Soul
6. Q: What is O.J.'s favorite musical group?
A: Slayer
Drivin' and Cryin'
Suicidal Tendencies
Public Enemy
7. There once was a fellow named Simpson,
Who ran away covered in crimson.
After carving his wife,
With a "substantial knife,"
Said the cops, "What you did was quite grim, son."
8. Q: What are the three worst words to hear from O.J. Simpson?
A: I love you.
9. Q: Did you hear about the new O.J. Simpson breakfast special?
A: It's eggs, steak and prune juice. First, you beat it, then you stab
it with a knife, then you get the runs.
10. Someone has stepped forward to be O.J.'s alibi. Apparently he was seen
waiting to be seated at a local Denny's restaurant.
11. Q: What do the state of California and Taco Bell have in common?
A: They are two things that can give O.J. gas.
12. Q: How is having sex with a prostitute similar to dating O.J. Simpson's
ex-wife?
A: In either case, if the Trojan snaps you're dead.
13. Q: What's the difference between a paralyzed miner and O.J. Simpson?
A: One's a numb digger...
14. Q: Why did O.J. stab his wife?
A: Because he checked his gun with his baggage and the airline lost it.
15. It's one thing to kill your ex-wife, but another thing entirely to take a
victory lap around the city afterword.
16. Q: What's the last thing O.J. said to Nicole Simpson?
A: Your waiter will be with you shortly...
17. A: Knock Knock.
B: Who's there?
A: O.J.
B: O.J. Who?
A: You have just qualified to be a member of the jury!
18. Is it true that O.J. was last seen chasing a one-armed man?
19. There once was a sports legend named O.J.,
Whose old lady told him to go away.
He slashed up his wife,
With a fifteen-inch knife,
And then led a parade on the freeway!
20. Q: Why did O.J. change his long distance server from AT&T?
A: Because he knew he had to Sprint!
21. Q: What are two things that O.J. has that every man wants?
A: A Heisman Trophy and a dead wife.
22. Q: What did Ron say to Nicole when they got to heaven?
A: "Here's your damn glasses! Thanks a lot!"
23. Q: What does O.J. have in common with the statue of Venus DiMilo?
A: Neither is considered armed any more.
24. As a long-time UCLA fan, it's obvious to me what O.J.'s lawyers will use
as a defense:
"Members of the jury, what can you expect? He went to USC!"
25. Q: What do O.J. and Tampax have in common?
A: They both come in white boxes and leave a bloody mess.
26. After looking all over LA, they finally found 12 people who have never
seen O.J. Simpson, never heard of O.J. Simpson, and have no idea who
O.J. Simpson is or was. They're all professors at USC.
27. Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It didn't want to get run over by a white bronco.
28. Q: Why did Ron Goldman dump Nicole Simpson?
A: Because she couldn't swallow.
29. Q: What were Ron Goldman's last words?
A: "Say, aren't you O.J. Simpson?"
30. Q: What do a basketball court and a judicial court have in common?
A: The white folk sit on the bench.
31. Q: Why did O.J. go to Nicole's house before he went to the airport?
A: It was his last chance to split her uprights!
32. O.J. is U.S.C. - Up Shit Creek...
33. Q: What are O.J.'s favorite movies?
A: "Death Becomes Her"
"The Terminator"
"Heaven Can Wait"
34. From the Tonight show a few days ago:
"O.J. went into the hopsital for a biospy. When the doctor pulled
out his scalpel O.J. said, "You call that a knife?!"
35. Q: What's harder than squeezing blood from a turnip?
A: Squeezing O.J. from a Bronco.
*36. THE BALLAD OF O.J. SIMPSON
tune: "The Ballad of Lizzie Borden" (Chad Mitchell Trio, 1961)
Yesterday out in Los Angeles, Nicole and Ronald died.
And they busted O.J. Simpson on a charge of homicide.
Well, he might not have done it but the media think he did,
And Michael Jackson's volunteered to take care of the kids.
'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California,
Contrary to all popular belief.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
You know it's gonna cause a lot of grief.
Well, he might have used a razor 'cause the airline lost his gun,
But he didn't use a hatchet 'cause THAT'S ALREADY BEEN DONE!
Now poor O.J.'s in the jailhouse, and they're looking for the knife.
For just ten million dollars, he might get off with life.
'Cause you can't cut your exes up in California,
And then blame all the damage on the heat.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
With evidence upon the Bronco seat.
You can sell a ton of crack and the cops will turn their back.
You can rape and burn and loot; they don't want another suit.
You can peddle phony stock like they do in Little Rock,
But you can't turn your ex into a Pez dispenser.
California is a far cry from DC.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
And then go out and drive around the town.
No, you can't cut your exes up in California,
It's almost sure to make the jury frown.
*37. The jury selection in the O.J. trial has begun. Rumor has it that
potential jurors who weren't selected are being issued T-Shirts
that say "O.J. Jury Reject - Didn't Make the Cut."
*38. Q: Why didn't Nicole Simpson go out drinking with her friends
after dinner?
A: She wanted to go home and get ripped.
*39. Here is an action joke about O.J.
Imagine someone walking around with his hands together behind his
back wiggling his fingers.
That person then askes: "What is this?"
Answer: "O.J. Simpson signing autographs."
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