textfiles/humor/JOKES/laws.lst

List of all laws
================

Aigner's Axiom:  No matter how well you perform your job, a
superior will seek to modify the results.

The Airplane Law:  When the plane you're on is late, the plane
you're transferring to is on time.

Alinsky's Rule for Radicals:  Those who are most moral are
farthest from the problem.

Allen's Law:  Almost anything is easier to get into than to get
out of.

Amand's Law of Management:  Everyone is always someplace else.

Andras's Political Postulate:  Foundation of a party signals the
dissolution of the movement.

Anthony's Law of Force:  Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop:  Any tool, when dropped, will roll
into the least accessible corner of the workshop.  Corollary:  On
the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your
toes.

Aristotle's Dictum:  One should always prefer the probable
impossible to the improbable possible.

The Army Axiom:  Any order that can be misunderstood has been
misunderstood.

Arthur's First Law of Love:  People to whom you are attracted
inevitably think you remind them of someone else.

Arthur's Second Law of Love:  The love letter you finally got the
courage to send will be dalayed in the mail long enough for you
to make a fool of yourself in person.

Atwood's Fourteenth Corollary:  No books are lost by lending
except those you particularly wanted to keep.

Ballance's Law of Relativity:  How long a minute is depends on
which side of the bathroom door you're on.

The Banana Principle:  If you buy bananas or avocados before they
are ripe, there won't be any left by the time they are ripe.  If
you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten.

Baker's Law of Economics:  You never want the one you can afford.

Barth's Distinction:  There are two types of people:  those who
divide people into two types, and those who don't.

Baruch's Observation:  If all you have is a hammer, everything
looks like a nail.

Basic Baggage Principle:  Whatever carrousel you stand by, your
baggage will come in on another one.

Basic Law of Befuddlement and Football:  The best defense is a
good offense.

Basic Law of Exams:  The more studying you did for the exam, the
less sure you are as to which answer they want.

Beach's Law:  No two identical parts are alike.

Bedfellow's Rule:  The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Beifeld's Principle:  The probability of a young man meeting with
a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal
progression when he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2)
his wife, (3) a better looking and richer male friend.

Bell's Theorem:  When a body is immersed in water, the telephone
rings.

Berman's Corollary to Roberts's Axiom:  One man's error is
another man's data.

Berra's First Law:  You can observe a lot just by watching.

Berra's Second Law:  Anyone who is popular is bound to be
despised.

Beryl's Law:  The "Consumer Report" on the item will come out a
week after you've made your purchase.  Corollaries:  1.  The one
you bought will be rated "unacceptable".  2.  The one you almost
bought will be rated "best buy."

Bess's Universal Principles:  1. The telephone will ring when you
are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.  2. You will reach
it just in time to hear the click of the caller hanging up.

Biondi's Law:  If your project doesn't work, look for the part
you didn't think was important.

Bitton's Postulate on State-of-the-Art Electronics:  If you
understand it, it's obsolete.

Blair's Observation:  The best laid plans of mice and men are
usually about equal.

Bocklage's Law:  He who laughs last probably didn't get the joke.

Bogovich's Law:  He who hesitates is probably right.

Boling's Postulate:  If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll
get over it.

Boob's Law:  You always find something in the last place you
look.

Borkowski's Law:  You can't guard against the arbitrary.

Borocz's Law of Research:  When working with a dictionary of more
than one volume, the next reference will be in the other volume.

Bowersox's Law of the Workshop:  If you have only one nail, it
will bend.

Bralek's Rule for Success:  Trust only those who stand to lose as
much as you when things go wrong.

Britt's Green Thumb Postulate:  The life expectancy of a house
plant varies inversely with its price and directly with its
ugliness.

Bromberg's First Law of Auto Repair:  When the need arises, the
tool or object closest to you becomes a hammer.

Bromberg's Second Law of Auto Repair:  No matter how minor the
task, you will inevitably end up covered with grease and motor
oil.

Brook's Law:  Adding manpower to a late software project makes it
later.

Brook's Laws of Retailing:  Security isn't.  Management can't.
Sales promotions don't.  Customer assistance doesn't.  Worker's
won't.

Brown's Law of Business Success:  Our customer's paperwork is
profit.  Our own paperwork is loss.

Bucy's Law:  Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.

The Bumper-To-Bumper Belief:  Traffic congestion increases in
proportion to the length of time the street is supervised by a
traffic control officer.

The Bureaucracy Principle:  Only a bureaucracy can fight a
bureaucracy.

Cafeteria Law:  The item you had your eye on the minute you
walked in will be taken by the person in front of you.

Campbell's First Law of Automotive Repair:  If you can get to the
faulty part, you won't have the tool to get it off.

Campbell's Second Law of Automotive Repair:  If you can get the
part off, the parts house will have it back ordered.

Canada Bill's Motto:  A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

Captain Penny's Law:  You can fool all of the people some of the
time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can't fool
MOM.

The Cardinal Conundrum:  An optimist believes we live in the best
of all possible worlds.  A pessimist fears this is true.

Cheop's Law:  Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within
budget.

Chisholm's First Corollary:  If you do something that you are
sure will meet with everybody's approval, somebody won't like it.

Chisholm's Second Corollary:  If you explain so clearly that
nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.

Chisholm's Second Law:  When things are going well, something
will go wrong.

Churchill's Commentary on Man:  Man will occasionally stumble
over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and
continue on.

Clarke's Third Law:  Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic.

Cochrane's Aphorism:  Before ordering a test, decide what you
will do if it is (1) positive or (2) negative.  If both answers
are the same, don't take the test.

Cole's Law:  Thinly sliced cabbage.

Collin's Conference Principle:  The speaker with the most
monotonous voice speaks after the big meal.

Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:  Nothing ever goes away.

The Computer Programmer's Lament:  Program complexity grows until
it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

Conway's Law:  In any organization there will always be one
person who knows what is going on; eventually this person will be
fired.

Cooper's Metalaw:  A proliferation of new laws creates a
proliferation of new loopholes.

Cornuelle's Law:  Authority tends to assign jobs to those least
able to do them.

Courtois's Rule:  If people listened to themselves more often,
they would talk less.

Dale's Parking Postulate:  If only two cars are left in a vast
parking lot, one will be blocking the other.

Darrow's Comment:  History repeats itself.  That's one of the
things wrong with history.

Davis's Law:  If a headline ends in a question mark, the answer
is "no".

Deal's First Law of Sailing:  The amount of wind will vary
inversely with the number and experience of the people you take
on board.

Deal's Second Law of Sailing:  No matter how strong the breeze
when you leave the dock, once you have reached the furthest point
from port the wind will die.

Dedera's Law:  In a three-story building served by one elevator,
nine times out of ten the elevator car will be on a floor where
you are not.

DeHay's Axiom:  Simple jobs always get put off because there will
be time to do them later.

De Jesus's Observation:  An expert is that person who is most
surprised by the latest evidence to the contrary.

DeVries's Dilemma:  If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the
one you don't want hits the paper.

Diner's Dilemma:  A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

Dingle's Law:  When somebody drops something, everybody will kick
it around instead of picking it up.

Disimoni's Rule of Cogitation:  Believing is seeing.

Dooley's Law:  Trust everybody, but cut the cards.

Dorr's Law of Athletics:  In an otherwise empty locker room, any
two individuals will have adjoining lockers.

Dowling's Law of Photography:  One missed photographic
opportunity creates a desire to purchase two additional pieces of
equipment.

Drazen's Law of Restitution:  The time it takes to rectify a
situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the
damage.  Example:  It takes longer to glue a vase together than
to break one.

Drew's Law of Highway Biology:  The first bug to hit a clean
windshield lands directly in front of your eyes.

Drew's Law of Professional Practice:  The client who pays you the
least complains the most.

Drummond's Law of Personnel Recruiting:  The ideal resume will
turn up one day after the job has been filled.

Ducharm's Axiom:  If one views his problem closely enough he will
recognize himself as a part of the problem

Ducharme's Precept:  Opportunity always knocks at the least
opportune moment.

Dude's Law of Duality:  Of two possible events, only the
undesired one will occur.

Duggan's Law of Scholarly Research:  The most valuable quotation
will be the one for which you cannot determine the source.

The Dumb Luck Rule:  You can always hit what you don't aim at.

Dykstra's Law:  Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.

Edelstein's Advice:  Don't worry about what other people think of
you -- they're too busy worrying about what you think of them.

Eddie's First Law of Business:  Never conduct negotiations before
10:00 a.m. or after 4:00 p.m.  Before 10:00 you appear too
anxious, and after 4:00 they think you're desperate.

Edds's Law of Radiology:  The colder the X-Ray table, the more of
your body you are required to place on it.

Ely's Law:  Wear the right costume and the part plays itself.

Eng's Principle:  The easier it is to do, the harder it is to
change.

Etorre's Observation: The other line moves faster.

Evans's and Bjorn's Law:  No matter what goes wrong, there is
always somebody who knew it would.

Evans's Law:  If you can keep your head when all about you are
losing theirs, then you just don't understand the problem.

The Extended Murphy's Law:  If a series of events can go wrong,
it will do so in the worst possible sequence.

Fahnestock's Rule for Failure:  If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.

Farber's Fourth Law:  Necessity is the mother of strange
bedfellows.

Farmer's Credo:  Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- on
Sunday pray for crop failure.

Farnsdick's Corollary:  After things have gone from bad to worse,
the cycle will repeat itself.

Farrell's Law of New-Fangled Gadgetry:  The most expensive
component is the one that breaks.

Felson's Law:  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to
steal from many is research.

Femo's Law of Automotive Engine Repairing:  If you drop
something, it will never reach the ground.

Ferguson's Precept:  A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget
the whole thing."

Fifth Law of Applied Terror:  If you are given an open-book exam,
you will forget your book.  Corollary:  If you are given a
take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Fifth Law of Unreliability:  To err is human, but to really foul
things up requires a computer.

The Fifth Rule:  You have taken yourself too seriously.

Fifth Rule of Politics:  When a politician gets an idea, he
usually gets it wrong.

Finagle's First Law:  If an experiment works, something has gone
wrong.

Finagle's Third Law:  In any collection of data, the figure most
obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

Finagle's Fourth Law:  Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
improve it only makes it worse.

Finagle's Sixth Rule:  Do not believe in miracles -- rely on
them.

Finagle's Eight Rule:  Teamwork is essential . . . it allows you
to blame someone else.

Finman's Bargain Basement Principle:  The one you want is never
the one on sale.

First Law for Freelance Artists:  A high paying rush job comes in
only after you've committed to a low paying rush job.

First Law of Applied Terror:  When reviewing your notes before an
exam, the most important ones will be illegible.

First Law of Bridge:  It's always the partner's fault.

First Law of Business Meetings:  The lead in a pencil will break
in direct proportion to the importance of the notes being taken.

First Law of Class Scheduling:  Class schedules are designed so
that every student will have time to waste between classes.

First Law of Computer Programming:  Any given program, when
running, is obsolete.

First Law of Corporate Planning:  Anything that can be changed
will be changed up until there is no time left to change
anything.

First Law of Debate:  Never argue with a fool -- people might
forget who's who.

First Law of Final Exams:  Pocket calculator batteries that have
lasted all semester will fail during the math final.  Corollary:
If you bring extra batteries, they will be defective.

First Law of Kitchen Confusion:  In a family recipe that you
discovered in an old book, the most vital measurement will be
illegible.

First Law of Living:  As soon as you're doing what you wanted to
be doing, you want to be doing something else.

First Law of Money Dynamics:  A surprise monetary windfall will
be accompanied by an unexpected expense of the same amount.

First Law of Office Murphology:  Important letters that contain
no errors will develop errors in the mail.  Corollary:
Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss
is reading it.

First Law of Soci-Genetics:  Celibacy is not hereditary.

First Law of Travel:  It always takes longer to get there than to
get back.

First Political Principle:  No politician talks taxes during an
election year.

First Postulate of Iso-Murphism:  Things equal to nothing else
are equal to each other.

First Principle for Patients:  Just because your doctor has a
name for your condition doesn't mean he knows what it is or how
to treat it.

First Rule of Acting:  Whatever happens, look as if it was
intended.

First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering:  Save all the parts.

First Rule of Negative Anticipation:  You will save yourself a
lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you
come to them.

First Rule of Superior Inferiority:  Don't let your superiors
know you're better than they are.

Fish's First Law of Animal Behavior:  The probability of a cat
eating its dinner has absolutely nothing to do with the price of
the food placed before it.

Fish's Second Law of Animal Behavior:  The probability that a
household pet making a fuss to go in or out is directly
proportional to the number and importance of your dinner guests,

Fiske's Teenage Corollary to Parkinson's Law:  The stomach
expands to accommodate the amount of junk food available.

Flugg's Law:  When you need to knock on wood is when you realize
the world's composed of aluminum and vinyl.

Flugg's Rule:  The slowest checker is always at the
quick-check-out lane.

Fourth Law of Kitchen Confusion:  The one ingredient you made a
special trip to the store to get will be the one thing your guest
is allergic to.

Fowler's Note:  The only imperfect thing in nature is the human
race.

Fox on Levelology:  What will get you promoted on one level will
get you killed on another.

Fox on Problematics:  When a problem goes away, the people
working to solve it do not.

Freeman's Extension: . . . but you can get everything dirty
without getting anything clean.

Freivald's Law:  Only a fool can reproduce another fool's work.

The Freeway Axiom:  The driver behind you wants to go five miles
per hour faster.

Frothingham's Fourth Law:  Urgency varies inversely with
importance.

Fudd's First Law of Opposition:  Push something hard enough and
it will fall over.

Futility Factor:  No experiment is ever a complete failure -- it
can always serve as a negative example.
Fulton's Law of Gravity:  The effort of catching a falling object
will cause more destruction than if the object had been allowed
to fall in the first place.

Gattuso's Extension of Murphy's Law:  Nothing is ever so bad that
it can't get worse.

George's Law:  All pluses have their minuses.

Gilb's First Law of Computer Unreliability:  Computers are
unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Gioia's Theory:  The person with the least expertise has the most
opinions.

Glaser's Law:  If it says "one size fits all," it doesn't fit
anyone.

Gold's Law:  If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:  Whoever has the gold makes
the rules.

Goldenstern's Rules:  1.  Always hire a rich attorney.  2.  Never
buy from a rich salesman.

Golub's First Law of Computerdom:  Fuzzy project objectivesare
used to avoid the embarrassment of estimating the corresponding
costs.

Golub's Second Law of Computerdom:  A carelessly planned project
takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully
planned project takes only twice as long.

Gourd's Axiom:  A meeting is an event at which the minutes are
kept and the hours are lost.

Grandpa Charnock's Law:  You never really learn to swear until
you learn to drive.

Gray's Bus Law:  A bus will arrive only when the would-be rider
has walked to a point so close to the destination that it is no
longer worthwhile to board the bus.

Green's Law of Debate:  Anything is possible if you don't know
what you're talking about.

Greer's Third Law:  A computer program does what you tell it to
do, not what you want it to do.

Grelb's Reminder:  Eighty percent of all people consider
themselves to be above-average drivers.

The Grocery Bag Law:  The candy bar you planned to eat on the way
home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Grossman's Lemma:  Any task worth doing was worth doing
yesterday.

Grossman's Misquote of H.L. Mencken:  Complex problems have
simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers.

Ground Rule for Laboratory Workers:  When you do not know what
you are doing, do it neatly.

Gualtieri's Law of Inertia:  Where there's a will, there's a
won't.

Gummidge's Law:  The amount of expertise varies in inverse
proportion to the number of statements understood by the general
public.

Hadley's First Law of Clothing Shopping:  If you like it, they
don't have it in your size.

Hadley's Second Law of Clothing Shopping:  If you like it and
it's in your size, it doesn't fit anyway.

Haldane's Law:  The universe is not only queerer than we suppose,
it's queerer than we CAN suppose.

Hamilton's Rule for Cleaning Glassware:  The spot you are
scrubbing is always on the other side.  Corollary:  If the spot
is on the inside, you won't be able to reach it.

Hane's Law:  There is no limit to how bad things can get.

Hanggi's Law:  The more trivial your research, the more people
will read it and agree.  Corollary:  The more vital your
research, the less people will understand it.

Hansen's Library Axiom:  The closest library doesn't have the
material you need.

Hardin's Law:  You can never do just one thing.

Harris' Lament:  All the good ones are taken.

Harrison's Postulate:  For every action, there is an equal and
opposite criticism.

Hartley's Second Law:  Never sleep with anyone crazier than
yourself.

Hecht's Fourth Law:  There's no time like the present for
postponing what you don't want to do.

Heid's First Law:  Women's Liberation didn't.

Heid's Law of Lines:  No matter how early you arrive, someone
else is in line first.

Heid's Observation:  Junk mail never quits.

Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle:  The location of all objects
cannot be know simultaneously.  Corollary:  If a lost thing is
found, something else will disappear.

Helga's Rule:  Say no, then negotiate.

Heller's Law:  The first myth of management is that it exists.
Corollary:  Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within
the organization.

Hellrung's Law:  If you wait, it will go away.  Shavelson's
Extension:  . . . having done its damage.  Grelb's Addition:   .
. . If it was bad, it'll be back.

Henry's Quirk of Human Nature:  Nobody loves a winner who wins
all the time.

Herblock's Law:  If it's good, they discontinue it.

Hershiser's First Rule:  Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED"
isn't.

Hershiser's Second Rule:  The label "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" means
the price went up.

Hershiser's Third Rule:  The label "ALL NEW," "COMPLETELY NEW" or
"GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.

Heymann's Law:  Mediocrity imitates.

Higdon's Law:  Good judgement comes from experience.  Experience
comes from bad judgement.

Hill's Comment on Murphy's Law: 1.  If we lose much by having
things go wrong, take all possible care.  2.  If we have nothing
to lose by change, relax.  3.  If we have everything to gain by
change, relax.  4.  If it doesn't matter, it does not matter.

Hlade's Law:  If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy man
-- he will find an easier way to do it.

Hoare's Law of Large Problems:  Inside every large problem is a
small problem struggling to get out.

Hoffer's Law:  When people are free to do as they please, they
usually imitate each other.

Hoffstedt's Employment Principle:  Confusion creates jobs.

Hollenbeck's Law:  The direction of take-off will be opposite
that of the final destination.

Holten's Homily:  The only time to be positive is when you are
positive you are wrong.

Horner's Five-Thumb Postulate:  Experience varies directly with
equipment ruined.

Howden's Law:  You remember to mail a letter only when you're
nowhere near a mailbox.

Howe's Law:  Everyone has a scheme that will not work.  Munder's
Corollary to Howe's Law:  Everyone who does not work has a scheme
that does.

Hughes's Observation:  Grass growing from sidewalk cracks never
turns brown.

Humphries's Law of Bicycling:  The shortest route has the
steepest hills.

Hutchinson's Law:  If a situation requires undivided attention,
it will occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction.

If it's worth doing it, it's worth overdoing.

Imbesi's Law of the Conservation of Filth:  In order for
something to become clean, something else must become dirty.

Imhoff's Law:  The organization of any bureaucracy is very much
like a septic tank -- the really big lumps always rise to the
top.

Indisputable Law of Sports Contracts:  The more money the free
agent signs for, the less effective he is the following season.

J.S. Gillette's Commentary on Decisions:  I always know what I
want . . . I just keep changing my mind.

J.S. Gillette's Dictum:  The only labor worth laboring at is a
labor of love.

Jacob's Law:  To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is
even more human.

Jacobson's Law:  The less work an organization produces, the more
frequently it reorganizes.

Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:  No man's life,
liberty or property is safe while the legislature is in session.

Jaffe's Precept:  There are some things that are impossible to
know -- but it is impossible to know what these things are.

Jana's Law of Love:  A dandelion from a lover means more than an
orchid from a friend.

Jana's Second Law of Love:  Better a pebble given out of love
than a diamond given out of duty.

Jaruk's Second Law:  If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit,
the company will insist upon repairing the old one.  Corollary:
If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the company will
insist on the latest model.

Jay's First Law of Leadership:  Changing things is central to
leadership; changing them before anyone else does is creativity.

Joe's Law:  The business contact that you have developed at great
expense is the first person to be let go in any corporate
reorganization.

John's Collateral Corollary:  In order to get a loan you must
first prove you don't need it.

Johnson's Law:  The number of minor illnesses among the employees
is inversely proportionally to the health of the organization.

Johnson's Second Law:  If, in the course of several months, only
three worthwhile social events take place, they will all fall on
the same evening.

Johnson's Third Law:  If you miss one issue of any magazine, it
will be the issue which contained the article, story or
installment you were most anxious to read.  Corollary:  All of
your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out.

Jones's Law:  The man who can smile when things go wrong has
thought of someone he can blame it on.

Jones's First Law of TV Programming:  The only new show worth
watching will be cancelled.

Jones's Second Law of TV Programming:  If there are only two
shows worth watching, they will be on at the same time.

Jones's Third Law of TV Programming:  The program you've been
looking forward to all week will be preempted.

Jones's Law of Zoos and Museums:  The most interesting specimen
will not be labeled.

Jose's Axiom:  Nothing is a temporary as that which is called
permanent.  Corollary:  Nothing is a permanent as that which is
called temporary.

Juhani's Law:  The compromise will always be more expensive than
either of the suggestions it is compromising.

Karinthy's Definition:  A bus is a vehicle that goes on the other
side in the opposite direction.

Katz's Law:  Men and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.

Kauffman's First Law of Airports:  The distance to the gate is
inversely proportional to the time available to catch your
flight.

Ken's Law:  A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.

Kennedy's Comment on Committees:  A committee is twelve men doing
the work of one.

Kent Family Law:  Never change your plans because of the weather.

Kerr-Marin Law: 1. In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty
members are the most extreme conservatives.  2. In dealing with
OTHER people's problems, they are the most extreme liberals.

Kierkegaard's Observation:  Life can only be understood
backwards, but it must be lived forwards.

Kirby's Comment on Committee:  A committee is the only life form
with 12 stomachs and no brain.

Kitman's Law:  Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the
TV screen.

Knagg's Law:  The more grandiose the plan, the greater the chance
for failure.

Knox's Principle of Star Quality:  Whenever a superstar is traded
to your favorite team, he fades.  Whenever your team trades away
a useless no-name, he immediately rises to stardom.

Kohn's Corollary to Murphy's Law:  Two wrongs are only the
beginning.

Kovac's Conundrum:  When you dial a wrong number, you never get a
busy signal.

Kranske's Law:  Beware of a day in which you don't have something
to bitch about.

Lackland's Laws:  1.  Never be first.  2.  Never be last.  3.
Never volunteer for anything.

Langsam's Laws:   1.  Everything depends.  2.  Nothing is always.
3.  Everything is sometimes.

Las Vegas Law:  Never bet on a loser because you think his luck
is bound to change.

The Last Law:  If several things that could have gone wrong have
not gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial for them
to have gone wrong.

Last Law of Product Design:  If you can't fix it, feature it.

Launegayer's Obversation:  Asking dumb questions is easier than
correcting dumb mistakes.

Lavia's Law of Tennis:  A mediocre player will sink to the level
of his or her opposition.

Law of Annoyance:  When working on a project, if you put away a
tool that you're certain you're finished with, you will need it
instantly.

Law of Applied Terror:  80% of the final exam will be based on
the one lecture you missed about the one book you didn't read.

Law of Arbitrary Distinction:  Anything may be divided into as
many parts as you please.

Law of Arrival:  Those who live closest arrive latest.

Law of Balance:  Bad habits will cancel out good ones.  Example:
The orange juice and granola you had for breakfast will be
canceled out by the cigarette you smoked on the way to work and
the candy bar you just bought.

Law of Christmas Decorating:  The outdoor lights that tested
perfectly indoors develop burn-outs as soon as they are strung on
the house.

Law of Class Scheduling:  When you are occasionally able to
schedule two classes in a row, they will be held in classrooms at
opposite ends of the campus.

Law of Gifts:  You get the most of what you need the least.

Law of Highway Construction:  The most heavily traveled streets
spend the most time under construction.

Law of Human Quirks:  Everyone wants to be noticed but no one
wants to be stared at.

Law of Institutions:  The opulence of the front office decor
varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

Law of Kitchen Confusion:  Once a dish is fouled up, anything
added to save it only makes it worse.

Law of Legislative Action:  The length of time it takes a bill to
pass through the legislature is in inverse proportion to the
number of lobbying groups favoring it.

Law of Life's Highway:  If everything is coming your way, you're
in the wrong lane.

Law of Observation:  Nothing looks as good close up as it does
from far away.

Law of Political Machinery:  When no viable candidate exists
someone will nominate a Kennedy.

Law of Probable Dispersal:  Whatever hits the fan will not be
evenly distributed.

Law of Regressive Achievement:  Last year's was always better.

Law of Reruns:  If you have watched a TV series only once, and
you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Law of Revelation:  The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Law of Telephone Dynamics:  The phone call you keep waiting for
comes the minute you're out the door.

Law of the Great Idea:  The only time you come up with a great
solution is after somebody else has solved the problem.

Law of the Individual:  Nobody really cares or understands what
anyone else is doing.

Law of the Lie:  No matter how often the lie is shown to be
false, there will still remain a percentage of people who believe
it true.

Law of the Lost Inch:  In designing any type of construction, No
overall dimension can be totaled correctly after 4:40 p.m. on
Friday.  Corollary:  The correct total will become self-evident
at 9:01 a.m. on Monday.

Law of the Marketplace:  Weekend specials aren't.

Law of the Marketplace:  If only one price can be obtained for
any quotation, the price will be unreasonable.

Law of the Perversity of Nature:  You cannot successfully
determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

Law of the Search:  The first place to look for anything is the
last place you would expect to find it.

Laws of Postal Delivery:  1.  Important mail arrives late.  2.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.

The Leap Year Corollary:  Exceptions always outnumber rules.

Lee's Law:  In any dealings with a collective body of people, the
people will always be more tacky than originally expected.

Lefty Gomez's Law:  If you don't throw it, they can't hit it.

Lefty Gomez's Principle of Productive Procrastination:  They
can't hit it while I'm standing here holding it.

Lemar's Parking Postulate:  If you have to park six blocks away,
you will find two new parking spaces right in front of the
building entrance.

Leo Beiser's First Computer Axiom:  When putting it into memory,
remember where you put it.

Lerman's Law of Technology:  Any technical problem can be
overcome given enough time and money.  Lerman's Corollary:  You
are never given enough time or money.

Levy's Eighth Law:  No amount of genius can overcome a
preoccupation with detail.

Levy's Ninth Law:  Only God can make a random selection.

Lewis's Law:  People will buy anything that is one to a customer.

Lieberman's Law:  Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since
nobody listens.

The Lippman Lemma:  People specialize in their area of greatest
weakness.

Livingston's Laws of Fat: 1.  Fat expands to fill any apparel
worn.  2.  A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.

Loftus's Fifth Law of Management:  Some people manage by the
book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what
book.

Loftus's Theory on Personnel Recruitment:  Far-away talent always
seems better than home-developed talent.

London's Law of Libraries:  No matter which book you need, it's
on the bottom shelf.

Lord Balfour's Contention:  Nothing matters very much, and very
few things matter at all.

Lovka's Law of Driving:  There is no traffic until you need to
make a left turn.

Lowery's Law:  If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed
replacing anyway.

Lunsford's Rule of Scientific Endeavor:  The simple explanation
always follows the complex solution.

Luposchainsky's Hurry-Up-And-Wait Principle:  If you're early,
it'll be cancelled.  If you knock yourself out to be on time, you
will have to wait.  If you're late, you will be too late.

Lynch's Law:  When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

Maahs's Law:  Things go right so they can go wrong.

McChristy's Computer Axioms:  1. Back-up files are never
complete. 2. Software bugs are correctable only after the
software is judged obsolete by the industry.

McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:  If an item is advertised as
"under $50," you can bet it's not $19.95.

McKee's Law:  When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will
turn green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop.

McKernan's Maxim:  Those who are unable to learn from past
meetings are condemned to repeat them.

MacPherson's Theory of Entropy:  It requires less energy to take
an object out of its proper place than to put it back.

Mae West's Observation:  To err is human, but it feels divine.

Malek's Law:  Any simple idea will be worded in the most
complicated way.

Manubay's Law for Programmers:  If a programmer's modification of
an existing program works, it's probably not what the users want.

Mars's Rule:  An expert is anyone from out of town.

Mark's Law of Monetary Equalization:  A fool and your money are
soon partners.

Maryann's Law:  You can always find what you're not looking for.

Mason's First Law of Synergism:  The one day you'd sell your soul
for something, souls are a glut.

Matilda's Law of Sub-Committee Formation:  If you leave the room,
you're elected.

Matsch's Law:  It's better to have a horrible ending than to have
horrors without end.

Matz's Maxim:  A conclusion is the place where you get tired of
thinking.

Matz's Rule Regarding Medications:  A drug is a substance that,
when injected into a rat, will produce a scientific report.

Matz's Warning:  Beware of the physician who is great at getting
out of trouble.

Mayne's Law:  Nobody notices the big errors.

Meadow's Maxim:  You can't push on a rope.

Meredith's Law for Grad School Survival:  Never let your major
professor know that you exist.

Meyer's Law:  It is a simple task to make things complex, but a
complex task to make them simple.

Meyers's Law:  In a social situation, that which is most
difficult to do is usually the right thing to do.

Miles's Law:  Where you stand depends on where you sit.

Miller's Maxim:  In a surplus labor economy, the squeaking wheel
does not get the grease; it gets replaced.

Milstead's Christmas Card Rule:  After you've mailed your last
card, you will receive a card from someone you overlooked.

Milstead's Driving Principle:  Whenever you need to stop at a
light to put on makeup, every light will be green.

Minton's Law of Painting:  Any paint, regardless of quality or
composition, will adhere permanently to any surface, prepared or
otherwise, if applied accidentally.

Morris's Law of Conferences:  The most interesting paper will be
scheduled simultaneously with the second most interesting paper.

Moser's Law of Spectator Sports:  Exciting plays occur only while
you are watching the scoreboard or out buying a hot dog.

Mr. Cole's Axiom:  The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a
constant, the population is growing.

Mr. Cooper's Law:  If you do not understand a particular word in
a piece of technical writing, ignore it.  The piece will make
perfect sense without it.

Mrs. Weiler's Law:  Anything is edible if it is chopped finely
enough.

Muir's Law:  When we try to pick out anything by itself we find
it hitched to everything else in the universe.

Munder's Corollary:  Everyone who does not work has a scheme that
does.

Murphy's Advice:  Don't worry . . . nobody gives a hoot anyway.

Murphy's Advice on Status:  Keep up with the Grabowskis . . .
you'll never make enough to keep up with the Joneses.

Murphy's Constant:  Matter will be damaged in direct proportion
to its value.

Murphy's (First) Corollary:  Whenever you set out to do
something, something else must be done first.

Murphy's First Corollary:  Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Murphy's (Second) Corollary:  Every solution breeds new problems.

Murphy's (Third) Corollary:  Nature always sides with the hidden
flaw.

Murphy's (Fourth) Corollary:  It is impossible to make anything
foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Murphy's First Law for Husbands:  If you run into an old
girlfriend -- no matter how innocently -- your wife will know
about it before you get home.

Murphy's First Law for Wives:  If you ask your husband to pick up
five items at the store and then add one more as an afterthought,
he'll forget two of the first five.

Murphy's First Law of Construction:  Power tools will fail at the
most inconvenient time possible.

Murphy's Fourth Law for Husbands:  Your wife's stored possessions
will always be on top of your stored possessions.

Murphy's Fourth Law of the Kitchen:  When the meal you are
preparing is on schedule, the guests will be forty-five minutes
late.  Corollary:  When the guests are on time, the meal will be
forty-five minutes late.

Murphy's Guide to modern Science:  1. If it's green or it
wriggles, it's biology.  2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.  3. If
it doesn't work, it's physics.

Murphy's Law:  If anything can go wrong, it will.

Murphy's Law of Government:  If anything can go wrong, it will do
so in triplicate.

Murphy's Law of Supply:  If you don't need it and don't want it
you can have tons of it.

Murphy's Law of the Office:  Copying machines mangle only
important documents.  Corollary:  If a machine goes wild and runs
off 180 copies, it will do so only when you are copying a
personal letter.

Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:  Things get worse under pressure.

Murphy's Paradox:  Doing it the hard way is always easier.

The Murphy Philosophy:  Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Murphy's Rule of the Term Paper:  The book or periodical most
vital to the completion of your term paper will be missing from
the library.  Corollary:  If it is available, the most important
page will be torn out.

Murphy's Saving Grace:  The worst is enemy of the bad.

Murphy's Second Law for Husbands:   The first time you go out
after your wife's birthday, you will see the gift you gave her
marked down fifty percent.  Corollary:  If she's with you, she'll
assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Murphy's Second Law for Wives:  The snapshots you take of your
husband are always more flattering than the ones he takes of you.

Murphy's Second Law of Construction:  When taking something apart
to fix a minor malfunction, you will cause a major malfunction.

Murphy's Third Law for Husbands:  The gifts you buy your wife are
never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.

Murphy's Third Law for Wives:  Whatever arrangement you make for
the division of household duties, your husband's job will be
easier.

Murphy's Third Law of the Kitchen:  The mixing bowl you need is
always dirty.

Murray's Laws:  1.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut. 2.
Never ask a salesman if his is a good price.

Murray's Rule of Football:  The wrong quarterback is the one
who's in there.

Naeser's Law:  You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.

Nagler's Comment on the Origin of Murphy's Law:  Murphy's Law was
not propounded by Murphy, but by another man of the same name.

Natalie's Law of Algebra:  You never catch on until after the
test.

Nelson's Law:  The better the four-wheel drive, the further away
you'll be when you get stuck.

Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:  A bird in the hand is safer
than one overhead.

Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:  The first ninety
percent of the task takes ten percent of the time; the last ten
percent takes the other ninety percent.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

No two identical parts are like.

Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:  Negative expectations yield
negative results.  Positive expectations yield negative results.

Norris's Law:  The day of the big heat wave is the day the office
air conditioning breaks down.

O'Brien's Law:  Nothing is ever done for the right reasons.

O'Brien's Principle (The $357.73 Theory):  Auditors always reject
any expense account with a bottom line divisible by 5 or 10.

O'Brien's Variation on Etorre's Observation:  If you change
lines, the one you just left will start to move faster than the
one you are now in.

Oliver's Law of Location:  No matter where you go, there you are!

Olivier's Law:  Experience is something you don't get until just
after you need it.

The one who snores will fall asleep first.

Oppenheimer's Law:  There is no such thing as instant experience.

O'Toole's Axiom:  One child is not enough, but two children are
far too many.

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's law:  Murphy was an optimist.

Owen's Law for Secretaries:  As soon as you sit down with a cup
of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something that will
last until the coffee is cold.

Owen's Theory of Organizational Deviance:  Every organization has
an allotted number of positions to be filled by misfits.
Corollary:  Once a misfit leaves, another will be recruited.

Pam's Law of Group Insurance:  The illness you come down with is
the one ailment your company-covered insurance does not cover.

Pantuso's First Law:  The book you spent $14.95 for today will
come out in paperback tomorrow.

Park's Law of Insurance Rates and Taxes:  Whatever goes us, stays
up.

Parkinson's Law of Delay:  Delay is the deadliest form of denial.

Parkinson's Law for Medical Research:  Successful research
attracts the bigger grant which makes further research
impossible.

Parkinson's Second Law:  Expenditures rise to meet income.

Parkinson's Sixth Law:  The progress of science varies inversely
with the number of journals published.

Parson's Law of Passports:  No one is as ugly as their passport
photo.

The Party Law:  The more food you prepare, the less your guests
eat.

Patry's Law:  If you know something can go wrong, and take due
precaution to prevent it, something else will go wrong.

Paul's Law:  You can't fall off the floor.  Chapman's Commentary
on Paul's Law:  It takes children three years to learn Paul's
Law.

Paulg's Law:  In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's
how much you save.

Perkins's Postulate:  The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

Perlsweig's Law:  People who can least afford to pay rent have
to.  People who can most afford to pay rent build up equity.

Perlsweig's Second Law:  Whatever goes around, comes around.

Perrussel's Law:  There is no job so simple that it cannot be
done wrong.

The Pet Principle:  No matter which side of door the cat or dog
is on, it's the wrong side.

Pfeifer's Principle:  Never make a decision that you can get
someone else to make.

Phillips's Law:  Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in
more inaccessible places.

The Pineapple Principle:  The best parts of anything are always
impossible to remove from the worst parts.

The Pitfalls of Genius:  No boss will keep an employee who is
right all the time.

Pope's Law:  Chipped dishes never break.

Porkingham's First Law of Sportfishing:  The more tangled your
line is, the better the fishing is around you.

Post's Managerial Observation:  The inefficiency and stupidity of
the staff corresponds to the inefficiency and stupidity of the
management.

Poulsen's Prophesy:  If anything is used to its full potential,
it will break.

Price's First Law:  If everybody wants it, nobody gets it.

Pridham's Law of Golf:  The only way to avoid hitting a tree is
to aim at it.

Priester's Law of Desire:  The more you want it, the quicker the
letdown after you get it.

Principle of Design Inertia:  Any change looks terrible at first.

Pudder's Law:  Anything that begins well, ends badly.  Anything
that begins badly, ends worse.

Python's Principle of TV Morality:  There is nothing wrong with
sex on television, just as long as you don't fall off.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Law:  Everything goes wrong all
at once.

The Queue Principle:  The longer you wait in line, the greater
the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

Quile's Consultation Law:  The job that pays the most will be
offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Rap's Law of Inanimate Reproduction:  If you take something apart
and put it back together enough times, eventually you will have
two of them.

Reece's Second Law:  The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly
proportional to the length of the passing zone.

Relativity for Children:  Time moves slower in a fast moving
vehicle.

Rennie's Law of Public Transit:  If you start walking, the bus
will come when you are precisely halfway between stops.

Reverend Chichester's Law:  If the weather is extremely bad,
church attendance will be down.

The Revolutionary Law:  The sloppier the rebel uniform, the more
likely the overthrow of the existing government.

Reynold's Law of Climatology:  Wind velocity increases directly
with the cost of the hairdo.

Ringwald's Law of Household Geometry:  Any horizontal surface is
soon piled up.

Roberts's Axiom:  Only errors exist.  Berman's Corollary to
Robert's Axiom:  One man's error is another man's data.

Robertson's Law:  Quality assurance doesn't.

The Rockefeller Principle:  Never do anything you wouldn't get
caught dead doing.

Roger's Law:  As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the
airliner encounters turbulence.  Davis's Explanation of Roger's
Law:  Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

The Roman Rule:  The one who says it can't be done shouldn't
interrupt the one doing it.

Rominger's Rules for Students:  1. The more general the title of
a course, the less you will learn from it.  2. The more specific
a title is, the less you will be able to apply it.

Ron's Observation:  The scratch on the record is through the song
you like most

Ruby's Principle of Close Encounters:  The probability of meeting
someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't
want to be seen with.

Ruckert's Law:  There is nothing so small that it can't be blown
out of proportion.

Rudin's Law:  In crises that force people to choose among
alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worst
one possible.

Rudnicki's Nobel Principle:  Only someone who understands
something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand
it.

Rudnicki's Rule:  That which cannot be taken apart will fall
apart.

Rule of Feline Frustration:  When your cat has fallen asleep on
your law and looks utterly content and adorable, you will
suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

The Rule of Law:  1. If the facts are against you, argue the law.
2. If the law is against you, argue the facts.  3. If the facts
and the law are against you, yell like hell.

Rule of Political Promises:  Truth varies.

Rule of the Great:  When people you greatly admire appear to be
thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.

The Rule of the Rally:  The only way to make up for being lost is
to make record time while you are lost.

Rush's Rule of Gravity:  When you drop change at a vending
machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all the other coins
will roll out of sight.

Russ' Law of Assembly:  The one piece that holds the whole thing
together will be missing.

Ryan's Application of Parkinson's Law:  Possessions increase to
fill the space available for their storage.

The Sagan Fallacy:  To say a human being is nothing but molecules
and atoms is like saying a Shakespearean play is nothing but
words and letters.

The Salary Axiom:  The pay raise is just large enough to increase
your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your
take-home pay.

Sartre's Observation:  Hell is others.

Sattinger's Law:  It works better if you plug it in.

The Sausage Principle:  People who love sausage and respect the
law should never watch either one being made.

Savignano's Mail-Order Law:  If you don't write to complain,
you'll never receive your order.  If you do write, you'll receive
the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.

Schmidt's Law:  If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll
break.

Schnatterly's Summing Up of the Corollaries:  If anything can't
go wrong, it will.

Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:  If you put a spoonful of wine in
a barrel full of sewage, you get sewage.  If you put a spoonful
of sewage in a barrel full of wine, you get sewage.

Schrimpton's Law of Teenage Opportunity:  When opportunity
knocks, you've got headphones on.

Seay's Law:  Nothing ever comes out as planned.

Second Law for Freelance Artists:  All rush jobs are due the same
day.

Second Law of Applied Terror:  The more studying you did for the
exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

Second Law of Business Meetings:  If there are two possible ways
to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong spelling.

Second Law of Class Scheduling:  A prerequisite for a desired
course will be offered only during the following semester.

Second Law of Computer Programming:  The value of a program is
proportional to the weight of its output.

Second Law of Final Exams:  In your toughest final -- for the
first time all year -- the most distractingly attractive student
in the class will sit next to you.

Second Law of Gardening:  Fancy gizmos don't work.

Second Law of Kitchen Confusion:  Once a dish is fouled up,
anything added to save it only makes it worse.

Second Law of Office Murphology:  Office machines that function
perfectly during normal business hours will break down when you
return at night to use them for personal business.

Second Principle for Patients:  The more boring and out-of-date
the magazines in the waiting room, the longer you will have to
wait for your scheduled appointment.

Seeger's Law:  Anything in parentheses can be ignored.

Segal's Law:  A man with one watch knows the time.  A man with
two is never sure.

Seits's Law of Higher Education:  The one course you must take to
graduate will not be offered during your last semester.

Sevareid's Law:  The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Seymour's Investment Principle:  Never invest in anything that
eats.

Shakespeare's Law:  Where love is great, the littlest doubts
cause fear.

Shapiro's Law of Reward:  The one who does the least work will
get the most credit.

Shirley's Law:  Most people deserve each other.

The Siddhartha Principle:  You cannot cross a river in two
strides.

Silver's Law of Doctoring:  It never heals correctly.

Silverman's Paradox:  If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.

Simon's Law:  Everything put together falls apart sooner or
later.

Simon's Law of Destiny:  Glory may be fleeting, but obscurity is
forever.

Sintetos's First Law of Consumerism:  A 60-day warranty
guarantees that the product will self-destruct on the 61st day.

Sir Walter's Law:  The tendency of smoke from a cigarette,
barbeque, campfire, etc., to drift into a person's face varies
directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke.

Sixth Law of Applied Terror:  At the end of the semester you will
recall having enrolled in a course at the beginning of the
semester -- and never attending.

Skoff's Law:  A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

The Smiths's Law:  No real problem has a solution.

The Snafu Equation:  The bit of information most needed is least
available.

Snider's Law:  Nothing can be done in one trip.

Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy:  In every organized activity a
small number of participants will become the oligarchical leaders
and the others will follow.

Sodd's Second Law:  Sooner or later, the worst possible set of
circumstances is bound to occur.

Soper's Law:  Any bureaucracy reorganized to enhance efficiency
is immediately indistinguishable from its predecessor.

Souder's Law:  Repetition does not establish validity.

Spark's First Rule for Managers:  Strive to look tremendously
important.

Spark's Second Rule for Managers:  Attempt to be seen with
important people.

Spark's Third Rule for Managers:  Speak with authority; however,
expound only on the obvious and proven facts.

Special Law:  The workbench is always untidier than last time.
General Law:  The chaos in the universe always increases.

Spencer's Laws of Accountancy:  1. Trial balances don't.  2.
Working capital doesn't.  3. Liquidity tends to run out.  4.
Return on investments won't.

Spencer's Laws of Data:  1. Anyone can make a decision given
enough facts.  2. A good manager can make a decision without
enough facts.  3. A perfect manager can operate in perfect
ignorance.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:  Everybody should
believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:  Never test for an
error condition you don't know how to handle.

Steiner's Maxim:  The fact that you do not know the answer does
not meant that someone else does.

Stenderup's Law:  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you
will have to catch up.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction:  It is easier to get forgiveness
than permission.

Stitzer's Vacation Principle:  When packing for a vacation, take
half as much clothing and twice as much money.

Stockmayer's Theorem:  If it looks easy, it's tough.  If it looks
tough, it's damn well impossible.

Strano's Law:  When all else fails, try the boss's suggestion.

Sturgeon's Law:  90% of everything is crud.

Sutin's Second Law:  The most useless computer tasks are the most
fun to do.

Sweeney's Law:  The length of a progress report is inversely
proportional to the amount of progress.

Swipple's Rule of Order:  He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Taylor's Law of Tailoring:  No matter how many alterations, cheap
pants never fit.

Telesco's First Law of Nursing:  All the IV's are at the other
end of the hall.

Telesco's Second Law of Nursing:  There are two kinds of adhesive
tape:  the one that won't stay on and the one that won't come
off.

Tenenbaum's Law of Replicability:  The most interesting results
happen only once.

Terman's Law of Innovation:  If you want a track team to win the
high jump, you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven
people who can jump one foot.

Thal's Law:  For every vision there is an equal and opposite
revision.

Theory of Selective Supervision:  The one time during the day you
lean back and relax is the one time the boss walks by.

Thiessen's Law of Gastronomy:  The hardness of the butter is in
direct proportion to the softness of the roll.

Thine's Law:  Nature abhors people.

Third Law for Freelance Artists:  The rush job you spent all
night on won't be needed for at least two days.

Third Law of Committo-Dynamics:  Those most opposed to serving on
committees are made chairmen.

Third Law of Kitchen Confusion:  You are always complimented on
the item that took the least effort to prepare.  Example:  If you
make roast turkey, you will be complimented on the baked potato.

Thom's Law of Marital Bliss:  The length of the marriage is
inversely proportional to the cost of the wedding.

Tillis's Organizational Principle:  If you file it, you'll know
where it is but never need it.  If you don't file it, you'll need
it but never know where it is.

Todd's First Two Political Principles:  1.  No matter what
they're telling you, they're not telling you the whole truth.  2.
No matter what they're talking about, they're talking about
money.

Tracey's Time Observation:  Good times end too quickly.  Bad
times go on forever.

Trischmann's Paradox:  A pipe gives a wise man time to think and
a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Troutman's Fifth Programming Postulate:  If the input editor has
been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will
discover a method to get bad data past it.

Troutman's Sixth Programming Postulate:  Profanity is the one
language all programmers know best.

Truman's Law:  If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Tupper's Political Postulate:  He who walks astride the fence has
few directions from which to choose.

Tussman's Law:  Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time
has come.

Tylczak's Probability Postulate:  Random events tend to occur in
groups.

The Unapplicable Law:  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't
work.

Universal Equine Equation:  At any particular time, there are
more horse's asses in the world than horses.

The Unspeakable Law:  As soon as you mention something . . .   .
. . if it's good, it goes away.   . . . if it's bad, it happens.

Van Gogh's Law:  Whatever plan one makes, there is a hidden
difficulty somewhere.

Van Roy's Law:  An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other
toys.

Vile's Law of Communication:  No one is listening until you make
a mistake.

Vile's Law of Roadmanship:  Your own car uses more gas and oil
than anyone else's.

Vile's Law of Value:  The more an item costs, the farther you
have to send it for repairs.

Wagner's Law of Sports Coverage:  When the camera focuses on a
male athlete he will spit, pick or scratch.

Wallace's Observation:  Everything is in a state of utter
dishevelment.

Walton's Law of Politics:  A fool and his money are soon elected.

Warren's Rule:  To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the
job will take the longest and cost the most.

Washlesky's Law:  Anything is easier to take apart than to put
together.

The Watergate Principle:  Government corruption is always
reported in the past tense.

Weaver's Law:  When several reporters share a cab on an
assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all.

Weber's Definition:  An expert is one who knows more and more
about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about
nothing.

Weiler's Law:  Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have
to do it himself.

Weinberg's First Law:  Progress is made on alternate Fridays.

Weinberg's Second Law:  If builders built buildings the way
programmers write programs, then the first woodpecker that came
along would destroy civilization.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:  There are no answers, only
cross-references.

Welwood's Axiom:  Disorder expands proportionately to the
tolerance for it.

Westheimer's Rule:  To estimate the time it takes to do a task,
estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two, and
change the unit of measure to the next highest unit.  Thus, we
allocate two days for a one-hour task.

Wethern's Law of Suspended Judgement:  Assumption is the mother
of all screw-ups.

Whistler's Law:  You never know who's right, but you always know
who's in charge.

White's Chappaquidick Theorem:  the sooner and in more detail you
announce the bad news, the better.

Willoughby's Law:  When you try to prove to someone that a
machine won't work, it will.

Wiker's Law:  Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.

Winfield's Dictum of Direction Giving:  The possibility of
getting lost is directly proportional to the number of times the
direction-giver says "you can't miss it."

Witten's Law:  Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a
need for them an hour later.

Witzling's Law of Progeny Performance:  Any child who chatters
nonstop at home will adamantly refuse to utter a word when
requested to demonstrate for an audience.

Wolter's Law:  If you have the time, you won't have the money.
If you have the money, you won't have the time.

Woodside's Grocery Principle:  The bag that breaks is the one
with the eggs.

Worker's Dilemma:  1.  No matter how much you do, you'll never do
enough.  2.  What you don't do is always more important than what
you do do.

Working Cook's Laws:  1. If you're wondering if you took the meat
out to thaw, you didn't.  2. If you're wondering if you left the
coffee pot plugged in, you did.

Wright's First Law of Quality:  Quality is inversely proportional
to the time left for completion of the project.

Wyszkowski's First Law:  No experiment is reproducible.

Wyszkowski's Second Law:  Anything can be made to work if you
fiddle with it long enough.

Yeager's Law:  Washing machines only break down during the wash
cycle.  Corollary:  All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day
off.

Young's Law:  All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Young's Law of Inanimate Mobility:  All inanimate objects can
move just enough to get in your way.

Young's Principle on Emergent Individuation:  Everybody wants to
peel his own banana.

Yount's Law of Mail Ordering:  The most important item in an
order will no longer be available.

Zadra's Law of Biomechanics:  The severity of the itch is
inversely proportional to the reach.

Zappa's Law:  There are two things on earth that are universal,
hydrogen and stupidity.

Zelman's Rule of Radio Reception:  Your pocket radio won't pick
up the station you want to hear most.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:  People are always available
for work in the past tense.

Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Law:  When it rains, it
pours.