textfiles/humor/JOKES/deck.txt

                     THE LAST FULL-DECK LIST


A bad spot on the disk.
A bun short of a dozen.
A couple of open splices.
A couple of volts below threshold
A couple of revisions behind.
A cup and saucer short of a full place setting.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
He's got all six cans, but he's missing the little plastic thing that
   holds them together.
A few beans short of a burrito
A few bits shy of a word.
A few bombs short of a cluster
A few bricks shy of a load.
Easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few drops short of a piss.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A few holes short of a whiffle ball.
A few pages stuck together.
A few peas short of a casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few planes short of an Air Force.
A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
A few tokens short of a toaster.
A few yards short of the hole.
A fool's fool.
A hole in his bag of marbles
A kangaroo loose in the top paddock.
A little light in his loafers.
A loose chip on the microprocessor board.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.  -- Churchill
A notch off the timing mark.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
A sausage short of a barbecue.
A short-circuit between the earphones.
As bright as a burnt out light bulb.
As fucked up as a football bat.
A victim of retroactive birth control.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth
About as bright as a small appliance bulb.
About as bright as a black hole.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
About as sharp as a pin head.
About as sharp as a sack of wet mice.
About as sharp as jello.
About four cents short of a nickel.
All booster - no payload.
All crown - no filling.
All his eggs in the same basket.
All the lights don't shine in his marquis.
All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
A Macintosh user
An 8080 in a 68000 environment.
An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
A return with no gosub.
As brilliant as a nightlight.
As flakey as a snowstorm.
As thick as two short planks.
As sharp as a marble.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not operating.
Bats in the belfry.
Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing in the pharmacy section again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Been using his head as a mass driver.
Blew his O-rings.
Blew the hatch before the lock sealed.
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
Born a day late, and like that ever since.
Born ugly and losing ground ever since.
Bright as a tulip bulb.
Bright as Tuktoyaktuk in December
Bubbles in his think tank.
Buffer is full.
Caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
Calling him stupid is an insult to stupid people.
Carries a tire gauge in her purse.
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
Chimney's clogged.
Clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Comes from a long line of first cousins
Constipation of the brain and diarrhea of the mouth.
Contributes to the population problem.
Couldn't pour piss out of a boot with the instructions on the heel.
CPU not connected to the bus.
"Cuca fundida" (pron. 'cooka funjida'; means 'melted brain'; Brazil)
Cursor's flashing, but there's no response.
Diagnosable.
Does mental aerobics.
Doesn't have all his cups in the cupboard.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn't have his shit in one sock.
Doesn't have all of his groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his dice.
Doesn't have all the pens in her plotter.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on.
Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Doesn't quite sample at the Nyquist rate.
Doin' 30 on the freeway.
Donated her body to science...  before she was done using it.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dropped her second stage too soon.
Dumb as a box of mentally handicapped rocks.
Dumber than a chicken.
Dumber than a box of hair.
Dumber than a box of Mexican jewelry.
Dumber than a bag full of hammers.
Dumber than shit on a biscuit. (Appalachian accent preferred)
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't make it to the penthouse.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
Elevator goes all the way to the top, but the door doesn't open.
Elevator is stuck between floors.
The eyes are open, the mouth moves but mister brain has long since departed!
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention-span.
Fired retro-rockets a little late.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Fucked up as a soup sandwich.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Got a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express (fr "Barney Miller")
Got too many birds on his antenna.
Gyros are loose.
Had a head crash.
Half a bubble off plumb.  -- attributed to Mark Twain
Half a quart low.
Has an ego like a black hole.
Has a few wait states.
Has a mind like a sieve.
Has a one-bit brain with a parity error.
Has a photographic memory; too bad there's no film in the camera.
Has a room-temperature IQ.
Has a screw loose.
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.
If his IQ were two points higher, he'd be a rock.
If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
If he were any dumber, he'd be a green plant.
If they knock heads, the implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
Informationally deprived.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains.
Informationally deprived.
Intellectually challenged.
In the shopping mall of the mind,  he's in the toy store.
IQ of a ice cube.
IQ of a salad bar.
Knitting with only one needle.
Left-hand threaded.
Left his booster on the launch pad.
Lights not burning too bright.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
Looney tunes.
Loose wire to headset/ringer.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Mental agility of a soap dish.
Metronome needs oil.
Missing a few catalog cards.
Missing a few gears.
Missing a few marbles.
Missing a layer of insulation is his attic.
Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral.
Missing a few catalog cards.
Missing a few marbles.
With one more neuron he'd have a synapse.
Has two neurons, and they don't synapse
Has two neurons separated by a spirochete.
Needs another brain to make half-wit.
Nice house, not much furniture.
Nice house but nobody home.
Nine pence in the shilling.
Nineteen cents short of a paradigm.
No one at the throttle.
Not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us.
Not firing on all four (six) (eight) cylinders.
Not hard-docked.
Not playing with a full deck.
Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!
On a scale of e to pi, that rates about a sqrt(2).
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
On-ramp doesn't make it to the freeway.
When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace up
     his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Not running on full thrusters.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
No wind in the her mind's windmills.
Nutty as a fruitcake.
Fruity as a nutcake.
Off his rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
One board short of a porch
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One Froot Loop shy of a bowl full.
One marble shy of a full deck.  (confuses lotsa people!)
One shingle shy a roof.
One side short of a pentagon.
One star short of a solar system
One step short of the attic
One wave short of a shipwreck.
Only uses his brain to keep his head from caving in.
Overruns above 110 baud.
Over the Rainbow.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Parked his head and forgot where he left it.
That kid reminds me of Paul Revere's ride...a little light in the
       belfry. (attributed to Foghorn Leghorn)
Pins 2 & 3 (RS-232) permanently connected to ground.
Playing baseball with a rubber bat.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Playing Scrabble, but we can't figure out what words he's building.
Playing with an unstrung raquet
Plays solitaire...  for cash.
Pressure's up, but there's a slow leak somewhere.
Puts a finger in his ear so the draft through his head isn't annoying.
Fucked-up as a soup sandwich.
Reading from an empty disk.
Reads Homer in the original Greek, but doesn't know Greek.
Receiver is off the hook.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Reset line is glitching.
Result of a first cousin marriage.
Rides to school on a short bus.
Running on empty.
Runs squares around the competition.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong.
Seven seconds behind, and built to stay that way.
Sharp as a pin head.
Sharp as a tack cloth.
She was minus so many buttons ...
She wears a pony tail to cover up the valve stem.
Short a few cards.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Skiing in Ohio.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slept a little too close to his radium-dial watch.
Slinky's kinked.
Slower than my grandma, and she's been dead for 20 years.
So slow he has to speed up to stop.
So slow that if he were racing the fifty yard dash with a
   pregnant lady he'd come in third!
Smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
Some bugs in his software.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!
Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone let the air out of her lock.
So stupid he could screw up a one-car funeral.
Source code is missing a few lines.
S  p  a  c  e  d   o  u  t .
Squirrel food.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Teflon brain (nothing sticks).
The attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
The best part of him ran down his mother's legs.  -- Jackie Gleason
The brains of a house plant.
The caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
The cheese has slid off his cracker.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The lights are on but nobody's home.
The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
The synapses are about _that_ far apart.
There's a leak in his ceiling.
Thick as a brick.
Thinks at 5 baud.
Too many games (caves) without a helmet.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Toys in the attic.
Train of thought derailed.
Train of thought is still boarding at the station.
Traveling faster than light, but left his sneakers behind.
Tripping without luggage.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team
Two saucers short of a tea-service.
His elevator skips the lobby
She's lost touch with the mother ship
Has flashbacks to the Pelopponesian War in his spare time
He's not just bent - he's helical