267 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
267 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: rec.humor
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From: dag@col.hp.com (David Geiser)
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Subject: Re: Looking for St. Peter Jokes
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Message-ID: <1o7ranINNpnp@hp-col.col.hp.com>
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Date: 17 Mar 1993 18:40:23 GMT
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Organization: HP Colorado Springs Division
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Lines: 258
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Three stupid guys just died and are at the pearly gates of heaven.
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St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer
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one simple question.
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St. Peter asks the first man, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
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The man replies, "Oh, that's easy, it's the holiday in November when everyone
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gets together, eats turkey, and are thankful..."
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"WRONG," replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second man the same
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question, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
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The second man replies, "No, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up
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a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."
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St. Peter looks at the second man, shakes his head in disgust, looks at the
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third man and asks, "WHAT IS EASTER?"
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The third man smiles and looks St. Pete in the eye.
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"I know what Easter is. Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with
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the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at
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the last supper and was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one
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of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and was stabbed in the
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side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross. He was buried
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in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder. Every year the
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boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow
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there will be six more weeks of winter."
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Margaret Thatcher dies and strolls up the pearly staircase to the pearly
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gates, where she is confronted by St. Peter, brandishing a clipboard.
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"Name" says St. Peter.
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"Margaret Thatcher" she replies.
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Peter checks through all the lists on his clipboard but cannot find the
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name of our illustrious leader.
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"I'm sorry" he says,"you can't come in. Your place is downstairs , in hell.
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Mrs T. turns and walks down the stairs.
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A short time later the phone rings. St. Peter answers it and a voice says:
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"Hello Pete, It's the Devil speaking. You'll have to take that bloody woman
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after all - she's only been here 10 minutes and she's closed half the
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furnaces to reduce capacity"
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Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly
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gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of
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lights and bells.
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St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer
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a question before they could enter through the pearly gates.
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St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the
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garden of Eden?"
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1st nun : "Adam and Eve"
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The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
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gates.
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St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?"
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2nd nun : "An apple"
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The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
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gates.
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And finally it came the turn of the last nun.
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St. Paul : "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?"
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After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!"
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The lights flashed the bells rang and in she went through the pearly
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gates!
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Sherlock holmes stood at the gates of Heaven pulling at his pipe awiting his
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turn. "I'll let you in", said St. Peter, "if you'll tell me who among these
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was the first mortal". "Thats elementary, my dear St. Peter", said the great
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detective, "He's the one without a bellybutton".
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The DP manager died, went to heaven, and had to admit his profession.
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St. Peter immediately sent him down to Hell ...
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"Welcome," said the Duty Devil. "You have a choice of three Hells: an
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IBM hell, a Unisys hell, and an ICL hell."
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"What's the difference?" asked the cautious DP manager.
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"Well," said the duty devil, "The IBM hell is 22 hours a day of trying
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to compile a JCL pack for a 1401 program still running 25 years on,
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under emulation on a 3990, followed by two hours of being nailed to a
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cross and pelted with coal by IBM salesmen."
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"The Unisys hell is 22 hours a day trying to understand communications
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protocols based on a thinly disguised 1960s Exec 8 manual, followed by
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two hours of being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by Unisys
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salesmen."
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"The ICL hell is 22 hours a day of trying to convert a George 3 program
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to run under ICLs current OS, whatever that is, followed by two hours of
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being nailed to a cross and pelted with coal by ICL salesmen."
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On hearing this, the DP manager looked worried. A passing Imp took pity
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on him, and suggested that he try the ICL hell. Upon being asked to
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explain, the Imp said,
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"Well, they never learn in the ICL hell. By the time the salesman have
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collected the wood to make the cross, found the hardware support
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engineers and gotten them to nail the bits together, and then called out
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for the coal, the two hours are almost always over."
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A man became suspicious of his wife. He was convinced that she was
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having an affair with another man although she consistantly denied it. One
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day he decided to leave work early to try to "catch her in the act".
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Pulling into the parking lot (they live on the 8th floor of an apartment
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building), he sneaks up the stairs. Upon reaching the door of the
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apartment, he hears his wife laughing inside. Trying to open the door
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silently, he slips and bangs his head against the door with a resounding
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"BOOM!" but still manages to make a fairly rapid entry. Inside, he sees
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his wife (looking a bit sheepish) with 2 half filled glasses and a wine
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bottle. Accusing her of an affair again, she claims that they were both
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for her. Not believing this for an instant, he makes a rapid search of the
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apartment, finishing in the kitchen. Finding no one else puts him into a
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rage and he looks out the kitchen window. There, 8 stories below is a
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young man rushing out of the building putting on his tie. The husband,
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convinced that he has found the adulterer goes completely off the deep end,
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picks up the refrigerator, throws it out the window, immediately suffers
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a heart attack and dies. (Setup complete)
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At the gates of heaven are three men waiting to get in. St. Peter
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asks the first one "How did you come to be here my son?". The man replies
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"Well, this is going to sound strange but I was late for work and was
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running out of my apartment when this refrigerator dropped out of the sky
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and killed me." St. Peter checks his books, shakes his head in amazement
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at what the world below is coming to, and lets the man in.
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The second man says "Now I feel really bad. I was convinced that
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my wife was having an affair. When I saw the previous gentleman rushing
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out of my building, I thought I had found him. I lost control of my
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temper and threw the refrigerator onto him. The strain was too much for my
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heart and I died of a heart attack leaving my innocent wife to fend for
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herself." St. Peter consults his books for some time, balances the incident
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against the man's prior life, makes some nondescript sounds and decides to
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let the man in.
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After making a number of notes in his books, St. Peter turns to the
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third man who says: "Well, I was just sitting there in this refrigerator..."
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Two poets, Longfellow and Nash, were at the gates of heaven, and
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St. Peter told them there was only room for one poet in heaven
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at this time. In order to decide who was to enter, each of the
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poets had to write a poem ending with the word (or syllables, as
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it turns out) Timbuktu and must mention the sea.
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Longfellow:
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I see the sea, I see the shore,
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I hear the mighty ocean roar.
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Tall sailing ships 'gainst sky of blue.
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Their destination: Timbuktu.
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(OK, so Longfellow is a little weak in geography)
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Nash:
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Tim and me, to sea we went,
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Spied three women in a tent.
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Since they were three, and we but two,
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I bucked one, and Tim bucked two.
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A man dies and approaches the pearly gates where he encounters St. Peter.
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"Ah", says St. Peter, "we've been expecting you. I'd like to let you walk
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through the pearly gates here, and looking through my book, I notice you've
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lived a good life....BUT...I see that one time, ONE TIME, you got a little
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angry and said the "F" word, didn't you?"
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"Yes", says the man," but it was only one time."
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St. Peter: "Well, I've been known to make an exception when there are
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extenuating circumstances."
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Man: "Well, I said the "F" word when I was playing golf.."
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St. Peter: "Oh, so you're a golfer, are you? Well that explains a lot. Go
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ahead and tell me why you said the "F" word."
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Man: "Well, I was playing in a tournament, and I had a one stroke lead. As I
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started into my backswing for my drive on the last hole, just at the peak of
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my swing, I realized that I had chosen the wrong club! I had the five iron
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instead of the four iron..."
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St. Peter: "And THAT'S when you said the "F" word?"
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Man: "Well, no, as it turned out I hit the five iron shot of my life! The
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ball was headed straight up the fairway, when all of a sudden, a passing bird
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flew right into the ball's path..."
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St. Peter: "You said the "F" word then, didn't you?"
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Man: "Well, no, just as the bird got to the ball, it started to hook, and the
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bird actually helped direct the ball towards the green where it landed and
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started to roll towards the cup! It was rolling real well, when all of a
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sudden, a squirrel came onto the green and came towards my ball...
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St. Peter: "The "F" word, you said it then, yes?"
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Man: "Well, the squirrel actually pushed the ball towards the hole, where it
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stopped rolling just about 2 inches from the cup.."
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St. Peter:" YOU DIDN'T MISS THE FUCKING PUTT, DID YOU??"
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A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?"
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The man says, "Episcopalian". St. Peter looks down his list, and
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says, "Go to room 24. But be very quiet as you pass room 8".
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Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion"? "Baptist".
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"Go to room 18. But be very quiet as you pass room 8".
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A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion"? "Jewish". "Go to
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room 11. But be very quiet as you pass room 8". The man says,
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"I can understand there being different rooms for different religions,
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but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8"?
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St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think
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they're the only ones here".
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A man dies and goes to Heaven.
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The angel Gabriel meets him at the Pearly Gates and takes him on a guided tour.
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The man sees various groups of people all standing around and talking to each
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other.
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"These are the Buddhists," says Gabriel. "And over there are the Jews, and the
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Hindus. Over here are the Muslims, and over yonder are the Jehova's Witnesses."
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In fact, the man sees every religious group, every nationality, and every
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culture in Heaven.
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Eventually, the pair comes to a large wall.
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"Hey, what's this wall doing in Heaven?" asked the man.
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"SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" said Gabriel. "Lower your voice. Behind that wall are the
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Americans. They like to think that they're the only ones here."
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--
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To know recursion, you must first know recursion.
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--
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