52 lines
2.5 KiB
Plaintext
52 lines
2.5 KiB
Plaintext
Subject: Cereal Killers
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Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on
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the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffer's Yuppie Chow, I
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strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance
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labeled "Nintendo Cereal System." I suppose I shouldn't be surprised.
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After all, cartoon characters have been "endorsing" cereals for years,
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so why shouldn't Super Mario Brothers get into the act?
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I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization
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with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of
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Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have
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seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent
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of a "sound bite." I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of
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whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from
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Greenpeace marked "Animal Rights Survey Inside---Please Complete and
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Return Within Ten Days."
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Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:
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Golden Graham-Rudmans The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?
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Special KKK Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
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requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.
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Sugar Frosted Fetuses The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
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saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
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make do with a box of Life.
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Mothers Against Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
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Drunk Driving Oats receive a free breathalyzer.
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Rifle Krispies Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing bullets.
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Cereal doesn't kill people. People kill people.
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Rocky Tobacco Road Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
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the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
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cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
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a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.
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Khokhomeini Puffs Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
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idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyone's
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favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
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to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
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ayatollahs! Free "Death to America" decal inside!
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In case you're wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far
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as I can tell, it's the only cereal named after a prime number.
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--
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