290 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
290 lines
7.8 KiB
Plaintext
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A Collection of T Shirt sayings
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--------
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-Son of Baglady
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-Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
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-The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my
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hump.
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-What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
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-We have them just where they want us.
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J. T. Kirk
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-I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a
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plane built by the post office.
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-Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to
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get you.
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-I figure I'm pretty good with the bullshit but I love listening
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to an expert. Keep talking.
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-Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a
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couple of hours.
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-The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
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-The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the
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ground and miss.
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Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxie
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-Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
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-Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
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-When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns.
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Art Denman
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-Sex is a disrobic experience
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-Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here.
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J.T. Kirk
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-Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from
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mediocre minds.
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Albert Einstein
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-Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
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-Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
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-We are the people our parents warned us about.
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-Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
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-Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
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-How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
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-There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
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-Power means not having to respond.
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-Onward, through the fog.
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-Never kick a man unless he's down.
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-Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
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-We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken
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out and shot.
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-The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that
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you've got it made.
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-I'm not as dumb as you look.
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-I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
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-Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another
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beer.
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-How can I love you if you won't lie down?
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-I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
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-You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the
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dictionary.
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-When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble,
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delegate.
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-To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
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-Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
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-I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
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-I'm the person your mother warned you about.
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-How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
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-God is dead and I want His job.
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-Work is the curse of the drinking class.
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-I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
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-Our parents were never our age.
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-Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
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-There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
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-Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
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-In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
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-He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
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-It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by
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turkeys.
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-When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better.
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Mae West
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-I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again
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real soon, okay?
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-He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
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-Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
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-You can't fall off the floor.
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-Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for
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last.
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-Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
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Mae West
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-I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
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-I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
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-I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with
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the lost.
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-Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
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-Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
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-Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
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-I worship the ground that awaits you.
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-The future isn't what it used to be.
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-I wish you were a beer.
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-I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
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-Love means telling you why you're sorry.
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-Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
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-Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
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-I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
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-I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
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-Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be
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impossible?
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-Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
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-Better dead than mellow.
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-If I follow you home will you keep me?
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-A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
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-There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
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-Buerocrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They
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merely adjust the compass.
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-The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your
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fish it dies
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-It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and
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not have it.
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-You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a
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kind word.
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-Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to
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keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving
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up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
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-The number of people watching you is directly proportional to
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the stupidity of your action.
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-Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
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-Kite fliers keep it up longer.
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-My human experiance is just beginning (This one on a little
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kid's shirt)
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-If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
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-An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a
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complex, incomprehesable truth.
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-You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear
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them.
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(Anon)
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-Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to
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you for the rest of the day.
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-Farmhands Feel Better
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(ron mcdowell)
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-Nuke the whales
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-Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting,
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unusual people and kill them.
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-We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
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-Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less
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shit you have to eat.
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-I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
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-Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to
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those of us who do.
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-When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one
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I've never tried before.
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-It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are
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such fools.
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-If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with
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bullshit.
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-I'm not cynical. Just experianced.
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-The torture never stops.
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-Ignore alien orders.
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-I know you think you uderstood what I said, but what you heard
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was not what I meant.
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-I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
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-Bend over. I'll drive.
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-I don't have a drinking problem.
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I drink
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I get drunk
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I fall down
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No problem
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-Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.
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-We dive at five.
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-I'd walk over you to see the Who.
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-It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
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-I'm for lust.
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-I want a meal, not a snack.
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-Bullshit Detector. When alarm sounds, please re-engage your
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brain.
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-The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
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-Biodegradeable
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.UUCP
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
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because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
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