211 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
211 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO oOOOO OOOO. OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" .OOOOOO OOOOOo OOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO OOOOOOO. OOOO oOOOO
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OOOO .OOOO OOOO OOOOOOOOo OOOO OOOO"
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OOOO oOOOO OOOO OOOO "OOOO. OOOO OOOOo .OOOO'
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OOOO .OOOO" OOOO OOOO OOOOoOOOO "OOOO. oOOOO
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OOOO oOOOOOOO..OOOO OOOO "OOOOOOO OOOOoOOOO"
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OOOO .OOOO"""OOOOOOOO OOOO OOOOOO "OOOOOOO'
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OOOO oOOOO ""OOOO OOOO "OOOO OOOOOO
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|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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| There Ain't No Justice |
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| #67 |
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|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
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- OffRamp to Hell -
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by Tal Meta
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I was out for a Sunday drive, you know? Just cruising around the
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countryside, looking at the houses, the farms. And yeah, I suppose I did
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get lost. Maybe I did it on purpose even. I wasn't even sure I was in
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Jersey anymore. But then I saw the sign for the Parkway, and figured I'd
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just take that home. At the very least, I knew where it went.
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I got on it pretty far from anyplace I'd ever taken it before. I was doing
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my usual routine, speeding down the right hand lane, dodging anything that
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got in my way when I saw the sign up ahead. You know how highway offramp
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signs are usually that reflective green color? I thought this one HAD to be
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a joke, cuz it was red, and all it said was "HELL". I can remember
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chuckling to myself and thinking, "Heh. Why-the-HELL-not?"
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I took the offramp at about its rated speed plus 20mph. It curved down and
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back under the Parkway, and then turned sharply down, corkscrewing all the
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way. Now, my car is pretty sharp in the turns, but something was wrong. I
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glanced at the speedometer, and felt my stomach drop out on me when I saw
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it was pegged at 85mph... carefully, I took my hands off the wheel, and
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yeah, the car was driving itself.
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The car kept squealing its tires on the way down, which took maybe 20
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minutes. When I finally "came out" from under the overpass, well, I knew
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right away I wasn't in Jersey anymore. The clear blue skies had been
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replaced by a sky that looked more like an angry skinned knee... all red
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and kinda 'rough'. The trees were gone too, replaced by dark, broken
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hillsides maybe 300 or so feet off to the side of the road. The road was
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single lane, and bumpy, like cobblestones or some shit.
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I'd gone maybe 2-3 miles when I spotted the billboard. it stretched over
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the highway, and looked sorta like this:
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͻ
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<EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD> WELCOME TO HELL, OVER 30 BILLION SOULS! <20>
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<EFBFBD> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͼ
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As I passed under it, I spotted the cop car.
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I guess no matter where you go, cop cars all follow a general design. Sorta
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sleek looking, with the familiar bank of lights overhead. They were purple
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and red, but even still, you knew it was a cop car. As it pulled up behind
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me, I could feel my car finally begin to decelerate, just a bit. I tried
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the brakes, and they seemed to work, so I slowed to a halt and pulled over
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to the side of the road...
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What got out of the car didn't suprise me. He was big, he was red, and he
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had horns. He had a whip at his belt instead of a gun, but I had a feeling
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he was pretty damn accurate with that whip. I rolled down my window as he
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approached the door, and waited for him to do his thing.
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He told me to get out of my car, so I did. I just sort of stood there,
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facing this thing, and ya know, its not like I was scared or anything. All
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in all, I don't think I was any more or any less afraid of this demon than
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I had been of any cop. But he did smell rather strongly of brimstone. When
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I wrinkled my nose at the scent of it, he got right in my face (his breath
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was even worse; I won't even try to describe it!) and yelled, "DO YOU HAVE
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ANY IDEA HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING, YOU LITTLE FUCK!?"
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I tried explaining to him that my car had been driving itself, but he
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wasn't buying. He took my license and insurance card back to his car, and I
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just kind of sat there dumbfounded while he took a lighter and burned them
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both. Then he came back and told me he was writing me a ticket for
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speeding, another for reckless driving, another for driving without a
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license, and a final one for driving without proof of insurance. I tried
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arguing with him that he'd destroyed both of the cards himself, but he just
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kind of leered at me and told me I was fucked no matter how I sliced it. I
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took the tickets, and started to get back into my car, but then he says
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"Oh, we're going to have to impound the vehicle. Wait here until the tow
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truck comes, and the driver will give you a receipt."
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I just kind of sat on my hood, watching him drive away. I could see him
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laughing his ass off, swigging out of a bottle of Jack Daniels as he did
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so. I thought about it for a minute, and since he'd neglected to take my
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keys, I just climbed back in and drove off.
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I considered going back the way I came. Really, I did. But its not everyday
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you get to see Hell, so I figured I'd just drive around a little bit, and
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maybe check out the nightlife. After another hour or so of driving, I saw
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this city in the distance. Smoke clung to the tops of the buildings like
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tiny clouds. Since there didn't seem to be anyplace else to go, I pressed
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on.
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It took two more hours to reach the city. There was this huge wall outside
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of it. It wasn't incredibly high, but it looked like it went on forever. I
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could see demons walking around on top of it, and an endless steam of naked
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people carrying stones and placing them on the wall. Every now and then one
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would stumble, and the nearest demon would lash out with his whip and
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nearly cut the poor bastard in half. The guy'd writhe around on the ground
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for a second, then get back up, good as new, grab his stone, and doubletime
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his way back into the line.
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As I pulled into the city proper, the first thing I noticed was the
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churches. I'd have never expected to find churches in Hell... seemed pretty
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antithetical to me. So I picked one of the larger one, a huge gothic affair
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I sort of recognised from a trip to France I'd made awhile back. As I
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passed thru the doors, I halted, amazed by what I saw.
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The first thing I really noticed was the Cross. It took up the whole front
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of the cathedral, and it was upside down. A man, dressed in pure white
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robes appeared to be crucified upon it... and it was with a bit of shock
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that I recognised him.... Pope John Paul the First.
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I walked to the altar, and turned my head upside down so I could study his
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face a little better. He didn't seem to be in any pain, but he was a tad
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flushed from hanging upside down. I asked him jokingly how it was hanging,
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and he responded in a language I didn't know... but it sounded like Latin.
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As he spoke, I could see worms dropping out of his mouth.
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As I stood there just kind of regarding the ex-Pope, a demon appeared at my
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left in a puff of smoke.The demon clapped me on the sholder, and began
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explaining to me the exact nature of the Pope's sins, and how he would be
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spending a good deal of time nailed to the Cross to atone for them. I asked
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the demon if all of the other churches contained Popes and he responded
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with a cheerful "yes". "All of the Pope's come here you know... arrogance
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is among the chiefest sins".
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I made my way back out to my car, to find a parking ticket affixed under my
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wipers. I plucked it out and tossed it onto the seat next to me, and drove
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further into town. Hell appeared to have it all... casinos, massage
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parlors, fast-food places, you name it. I could have been in Atlantic City
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except for the lack of traffic and the demons driving teams of naked men
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and women on various errands thru the streets.
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I finally spotted a bar that looked like it suited my tastes. A mixed dozen
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youths lounged outside, smoking cigarettes and looking mean. Industrial
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music could be heard even from the street, so I brushed past the youths and
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made my way into the bar.
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The inside of the bar was thick with smoke. I ordered a Southern Comfort &
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Coke from the bartender and took a seat at the bar. You won't believe who
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was playing with the band. John Lennon. Fucking John Lennon. With a start,
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I even recognised the song. Imagine. But it was a Trent Reznor version of
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Imagine, full of dissonnance and clashing noise. I liked it.
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When the band took a break, I walked over to Lennon, and asked him what he
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was in for. He smiled, and said I'd just heard it. "Imagine there's no
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Heaven... well, I did, and for me, now there isn't", he said. I told him I
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thought it was a bum rap. He agreed, but said "Its just magic karma, ya
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know?".
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I sat there for awhile, chatting, until it was time for another set. I made
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my way out of the bar then, and plucked yet another parking ticket off of
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my windshield. It was late. Time to go home. So I made my way back past the
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Wall, and back onto the cobbled highway, and started speeding back the way
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I came.
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I'd been driving for about three hours when I passed back under the sign. I
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drove a little bit further, and kept looking for the ramp back onto the
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Parkway. One hour. Two hours. No onramp. After another hour, I spotted a city
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up ahead. As I drew up on it, it began to look real familiar... it was the
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city I'd just left. I slowed the car down, picked my way back to the bar
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where Lennon had been playing.
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John was still there, and had just finished another set. I told him my
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predicament... he seemed unsuprised. "There's only one way out of Hell," he
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said, "and thats right out thru the center of it. You're on the outskirts
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of Avernus, here. There's eight layers below this, and only at the center
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of the deepest one is the exit." I asked him if he'd like to come with me,
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and after a few moments, he agreed.
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Thus began my odyssey.
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<20> <20><> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20> <20> <20>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> Phoenix Modernz Systems: 908/830-TANJ
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<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> First United Church Kalisti: M.I.A.
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