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|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
| |
| There Ain't No Justice |
| |
| #67 |
| |
|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------|
- OffRamp to Hell -
by Tal Meta
I was out for a Sunday drive, you know? Just cruising around the
countryside, looking at the houses, the farms. And yeah, I suppose I did
get lost. Maybe I did it on purpose even. I wasn't even sure I was in
Jersey anymore. But then I saw the sign for the Parkway, and figured I'd
just take that home. At the very least, I knew where it went.
I got on it pretty far from anyplace I'd ever taken it before. I was doing
my usual routine, speeding down the right hand lane, dodging anything that
got in my way when I saw the sign up ahead. You know how highway offramp
signs are usually that reflective green color? I thought this one HAD to be
a joke, cuz it was red, and all it said was "HELL". I can remember
chuckling to myself and thinking, "Heh. Why-the-HELL-not?"
I took the offramp at about its rated speed plus 20mph. It curved down and
back under the Parkway, and then turned sharply down, corkscrewing all the
way. Now, my car is pretty sharp in the turns, but something was wrong. I
glanced at the speedometer, and felt my stomach drop out on me when I saw
it was pegged at 85mph... carefully, I took my hands off the wheel, and
yeah, the car was driving itself.
The car kept squealing its tires on the way down, which took maybe 20
minutes. When I finally "came out" from under the overpass, well, I knew
right away I wasn't in Jersey anymore. The clear blue skies had been
replaced by a sky that looked more like an angry skinned knee... all red
and kinda 'rough'. The trees were gone too, replaced by dark, broken
hillsides maybe 300 or so feet off to the side of the road. The road was
single lane, and bumpy, like cobblestones or some shit.
I'd gone maybe 2-3 miles when I spotted the billboard. it stretched over
the highway, and looked sorta like this:
<EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD><EFBFBD>ͻ
<EFBFBD> <20>
<EFBFBD> WELCOME TO HELL, OVER 30 BILLION SOULS! <20>
<EFBFBD> <20>
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As I passed under it, I spotted the cop car.
I guess no matter where you go, cop cars all follow a general design. Sorta
sleek looking, with the familiar bank of lights overhead. They were purple
and red, but even still, you knew it was a cop car. As it pulled up behind
me, I could feel my car finally begin to decelerate, just a bit. I tried
the brakes, and they seemed to work, so I slowed to a halt and pulled over
to the side of the road...
What got out of the car didn't suprise me. He was big, he was red, and he
had horns. He had a whip at his belt instead of a gun, but I had a feeling
he was pretty damn accurate with that whip. I rolled down my window as he
approached the door, and waited for him to do his thing.
He told me to get out of my car, so I did. I just sort of stood there,
facing this thing, and ya know, its not like I was scared or anything. All
in all, I don't think I was any more or any less afraid of this demon than
I had been of any cop. But he did smell rather strongly of brimstone. When
I wrinkled my nose at the scent of it, he got right in my face (his breath
was even worse; I won't even try to describe it!) and yelled, "DO YOU HAVE
ANY IDEA HOW FAST YOU WERE GOING, YOU LITTLE FUCK!?"
I tried explaining to him that my car had been driving itself, but he
wasn't buying. He took my license and insurance card back to his car, and I
just kind of sat there dumbfounded while he took a lighter and burned them
both. Then he came back and told me he was writing me a ticket for
speeding, another for reckless driving, another for driving without a
license, and a final one for driving without proof of insurance. I tried
arguing with him that he'd destroyed both of the cards himself, but he just
kind of leered at me and told me I was fucked no matter how I sliced it. I
took the tickets, and started to get back into my car, but then he says
"Oh, we're going to have to impound the vehicle. Wait here until the tow
truck comes, and the driver will give you a receipt."
I just kind of sat on my hood, watching him drive away. I could see him
laughing his ass off, swigging out of a bottle of Jack Daniels as he did
so. I thought about it for a minute, and since he'd neglected to take my
keys, I just climbed back in and drove off.
I considered going back the way I came. Really, I did. But its not everyday
you get to see Hell, so I figured I'd just drive around a little bit, and
maybe check out the nightlife. After another hour or so of driving, I saw
this city in the distance. Smoke clung to the tops of the buildings like
tiny clouds. Since there didn't seem to be anyplace else to go, I pressed
on.
It took two more hours to reach the city. There was this huge wall outside
of it. It wasn't incredibly high, but it looked like it went on forever. I
could see demons walking around on top of it, and an endless steam of naked
people carrying stones and placing them on the wall. Every now and then one
would stumble, and the nearest demon would lash out with his whip and
nearly cut the poor bastard in half. The guy'd writhe around on the ground
for a second, then get back up, good as new, grab his stone, and doubletime
his way back into the line.
As I pulled into the city proper, the first thing I noticed was the
churches. I'd have never expected to find churches in Hell... seemed pretty
antithetical to me. So I picked one of the larger one, a huge gothic affair
I sort of recognised from a trip to France I'd made awhile back. As I
passed thru the doors, I halted, amazed by what I saw.
The first thing I really noticed was the Cross. It took up the whole front
of the cathedral, and it was upside down. A man, dressed in pure white
robes appeared to be crucified upon it... and it was with a bit of shock
that I recognised him.... Pope John Paul the First.
I walked to the altar, and turned my head upside down so I could study his
face a little better. He didn't seem to be in any pain, but he was a tad
flushed from hanging upside down. I asked him jokingly how it was hanging,
and he responded in a language I didn't know... but it sounded like Latin.
As he spoke, I could see worms dropping out of his mouth.
As I stood there just kind of regarding the ex-Pope, a demon appeared at my
left in a puff of smoke.The demon clapped me on the sholder, and began
explaining to me the exact nature of the Pope's sins, and how he would be
spending a good deal of time nailed to the Cross to atone for them. I asked
the demon if all of the other churches contained Popes and he responded
with a cheerful "yes". "All of the Pope's come here you know... arrogance
is among the chiefest sins".
I made my way back out to my car, to find a parking ticket affixed under my
wipers. I plucked it out and tossed it onto the seat next to me, and drove
further into town. Hell appeared to have it all... casinos, massage
parlors, fast-food places, you name it. I could have been in Atlantic City
except for the lack of traffic and the demons driving teams of naked men
and women on various errands thru the streets.
I finally spotted a bar that looked like it suited my tastes. A mixed dozen
youths lounged outside, smoking cigarettes and looking mean. Industrial
music could be heard even from the street, so I brushed past the youths and
made my way into the bar.
The inside of the bar was thick with smoke. I ordered a Southern Comfort &
Coke from the bartender and took a seat at the bar. You won't believe who
was playing with the band. John Lennon. Fucking John Lennon. With a start,
I even recognised the song. Imagine. But it was a Trent Reznor version of
Imagine, full of dissonnance and clashing noise. I liked it.
When the band took a break, I walked over to Lennon, and asked him what he
was in for. He smiled, and said I'd just heard it. "Imagine there's no
Heaven... well, I did, and for me, now there isn't", he said. I told him I
thought it was a bum rap. He agreed, but said "Its just magic karma, ya
know?".
I sat there for awhile, chatting, until it was time for another set. I made
my way out of the bar then, and plucked yet another parking ticket off of
my windshield. It was late. Time to go home. So I made my way back past the
Wall, and back onto the cobbled highway, and started speeding back the way
I came.
I'd been driving for about three hours when I passed back under the sign. I
drove a little bit further, and kept looking for the ramp back onto the
Parkway. One hour. Two hours. No onramp. After another hour, I spotted a city
up ahead. As I drew up on it, it began to look real familiar... it was the
city I'd just left. I slowed the car down, picked my way back to the bar
where Lennon had been playing.
John was still there, and had just finished another set. I told him my
predicament... he seemed unsuprised. "There's only one way out of Hell," he
said, "and thats right out thru the center of it. You're on the outskirts
of Avernus, here. There's eight layers below this, and only at the center
of the deepest one is the exit." I asked him if he'd like to come with me,
and after a few moments, he agreed.
Thus began my odyssey.
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