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______ __ __ __ ______
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/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
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/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
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/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
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/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
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/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
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--------------------------------------------------
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The Electronic Humor Magazine
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--------------------------------------------------
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Version 1 Release 8 November 1994
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Printed on 100% recycled electrons
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Filmed before a virtual studio audience
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
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VaporWare Communications
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32768 Infinite Loop
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX4
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
|
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
|
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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
|
||
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
|
||
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
|
||
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
|
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - Portrait Of The Humorist As A Middle-Aged Novice.......01
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Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03
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||
Ten Very Forward...................................................03
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||
Privacy Assured....................................................16
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||
Biography of Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari...........................17
|
||
The Opraldohue Show................................................18
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||
The 1994 Ig Nobel Prizewinners.....................................22
|
||
RAH Humor Review: The M*A*S*H Novels...............................24
|
||
Announcements......................................................26
|
||
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............27
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||
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
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||
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
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Random Access Humor Page 1 November 1994
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About Vaporware Communications
|
||
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VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
|
||
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
|
||
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
|
||
|
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Luther Lecks
|
||
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
|
||
|
||
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
|
||
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
|
||
|
||
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
|
||
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
|
||
|
||
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
|
||
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
|
||
V.P., Research & Development
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive
|
||
thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and
|
||
feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in
|
||
your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone).
|
||
You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this
|
||
material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And
|
||
Right (Reformed). Have a nice day.
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mental Nutrition Facts
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Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1
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||
=====================================================================
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Amount per serving
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Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5
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||
=====================================================================
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||
% daily value
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Total fatheads: 2 15
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||
Saturated fatheads: 1 24
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||
Castor Oil: 0 0
|
||
Silliness: 11 110
|
||
Total Comic content: 51
|
||
Actual jokes: 37 73
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||
Puns: 14 1145
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - Portrait Of The Humorist As A Middle-Aged Novice
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by Dave Bealer
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A great deal has been said and written about the value of electronic
|
||
publication credits to the career of a budding writer. Many print
|
||
magazine editors discount e-mag credits, it is true. It's also true
|
||
that most magazine editors won't even recognize that a given magazine
|
||
is electronic, rather than hardcopy, at least half the time. The
|
||
moral of the story here is don't tell 'em it's an electronic magazine
|
||
...just tell 'em you were published.
|
||
|
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Random Access Humor Page 2 November 1994
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The good news is that at least a few farsighted editors are scouting
|
||
for new talent on the Internet and in electronic magazines. Back in
|
||
August I received e-mail from Kristin King, then the humor editor for
|
||
_Network News_, the official magazine of the Network Professional
|
||
Association (NPA), an organization populated mainly by Certified
|
||
Novell Engineers. She had seen my work in RAH, and wanted to buy
|
||
reprint rights to one of my articles.
|
||
|
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A couple of weeks later I signed my first publication contract, for
|
||
reprint rights to "Take Us To The Promised LAN" (RAH - 01/93). I
|
||
Express Mailed my photo to the publisher's office in Utah to meet the
|
||
deadline. Mundane stuff for professional writers, I'm sure, but
|
||
exciting stuff for someone still getting started.
|
||
|
||
In late October I received my contributor copy of the September issue
|
||
of _Network News_. My article (with photo) appeared as the "Last
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||
Look" commentary piece for that issue. Beginning on the 54th (and
|
||
final) page, it continued to completion on page 53. Also included in
|
||
the package was a check covering payment for the article (at twenty
|
||
cents a word) and reimbursement for the Express Mail charges. An
|
||
invitation, signed by Oie Lian Yeh (the new humor editor for _Network
|
||
News_), to submit additional material for consideration was the final
|
||
item in the package.
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||
|
||
Although I, of all people, recognize that electronic publication is
|
||
real publication, there is still something special about seeing your
|
||
own words on the printed page. One of my fondest lifelong dreams is
|
||
to one day be able to enter any mall bookstore in the country and see
|
||
copies of a book I wrote on the shelves, if not on cardboard display
|
||
racks just inside the door. _Network News_ is a professional trade
|
||
journal (a highly respected one), so it's not available in any
|
||
bookstore or newsstand. Still, I do have a check to cash.
|
||
|
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Note that I had never even heard of _Network News_ before Kristin
|
||
contacted me. In any event, I wanted to tell unpublished writers
|
||
that there *are* possibilities for getting your foot in the door by
|
||
"giving your work away" through electronic publication. The editors
|
||
of _Network News_ obviously thought there was little enough overlap
|
||
between RAH, one of the most widely distributed e-mags in the world,
|
||
and their print publication to warrant paying their standard reprint
|
||
rates for my article. The only remaining mystery is why, although my
|
||
article was edited for reprint, they decided to leave in a reference
|
||
to Vaporware Corporation.
|
||
- - - -
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||
CD of the Month: _A Quiet Normal Life: The Best of Warren Zevon_.
|
||
Warren Zevon was writing humorous (and very strange) songs long
|
||
before Weird Al Yankovic ever made the recording scene. The disc
|
||
features such classics as "Werewolves of London" and "Lawyers, Guns,
|
||
and Money." The RAH issue you are now reading is an example of what
|
||
can happen if someone leaves this disc on continuous play for an
|
||
entire month. {RAH}
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 3 November 1994
|
||
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Lettuce to the Editor
|
||
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||
Area Internet E-mail, Msg#100, Oct-10-94 04:00AM
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||
From: whocares@none.a.u.business
|
||
To: editor_schmuck@vaporware.com
|
||
|
||
WE %gotta% u ^cats^
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||
YOU #publish# *the* VINNIE @bio@ and U *never* -see- DEM %again%
|
||
|
||
#a# @fren@
|
||
- - - - - - - - - - - -
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||
Listen, Fren,
|
||
|
||
Threatening my cats will not get me to abandon my journalistic
|
||
integrity. Threatening me, maybe, but not my cats. The article
|
||
runs as planned.
|
||
|
||
DB
|
||
- - - - - - - - - - - -
|
||
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
|
||
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
|
||
Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net
|
||
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
|
||
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
|
||
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
|
||
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
|
||
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
|
||
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Ten Very Forward
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||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Acting Ensign Leslie Ann Musher was moping. This was nothing new,
|
||
since Leslie was a teenager. Even worse, he had a name that was
|
||
more effeminate than he was (which was not an easy accomplishment).
|
||
Gee. Leslie was bad enough, but Ann? What had his parents been
|
||
thinking? They probably hadn't been thinking, as usual.
|
||
|
||
Leslie's father didn't think much any more, being dead these many
|
||
years. He had been killed in the line of duty, attempting to give
|
||
his captain's cat a bath. What a hideous way to go, with your body
|
||
covered in wet cat hair. Leslie hated cats, especially the stupid
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||
one named "Snot" that belonged to the second officer, Lieutenant
|
||
Commander Object.
|
||
|
||
Eventually Leslie tired of scrolling through the latest digitally
|
||
stored issue of _Playbeing_, accessed through an account he had
|
||
hacked into months before. Commander Spik'er would probably never
|
||
wise up to the increased usage. The Deltan centerfold was quite
|
||
arousing, especially with the new "rub and sniff pheromone
|
||
simulation" technology. Still...Leslie put on a bathing suit and
|
||
skulked off to the Virtual Reality Deck to run his favorite program,
|
||
"Busty Beach Babes From Bayonne." He couldn't even remember which
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||
planet Bayonne was on, not that it really mattered.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 4 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Thirty minutes later Leslie padded back to his quarters, dripping
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||
water on the deck. "I thought the Captain warned you about that,
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||
Les." Leslie wheeled, startled. The voice was familiar, but seemed
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to be coming from behind and above him.
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||
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"Gordie? Is that you?" Leslie scanned the passage behind him, then
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noticed an open service panel a few meters back along the ceiling.
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||
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Leslie's question was answered by a dark blur that dropped from the
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open panel and sprawled itself on the deck. "Uugh," noted Gordie as
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||
he skidded to a stop. "You were expecting, maybe, X?"
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||
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Leslie walked over and offered his friend a hand getting up. "Don't
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||
even mention that bozo. I'm so sick of him showing up and comparing
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||
himself to 'the name brand' all-powerful aliens. Doesn't he know
|
||
that stuff went out of style in the 1960s?"
|
||
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||
Gordie grinned his trademark grin. "Don't be so hard on him, Les.
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||
At least he always loses to the name brand." He busied himself with
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||
a rag, removing the water that now streaked the back of his
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||
synthleather jacket while Leslie rolled his eyes and sighed mightily.
|
||
Gordie sniffed the rag. "Sea water? Hangin' with the beach babes
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||
again, huh, Les?"
|
||
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||
Leslie blushed from the tips of his toes to the roots of his hair.
|
||
"Does everyone on this tub keep track of everything I do?" he whined
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||
petulantly.
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||
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||
"Just the embarrassing stuff." Gordie chuckled and mussed Leslie's
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hair.
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Leslie ducked away from Gordie's hand. "That's not funny," he
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muttered bitterly.
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||
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||
"Sorry Les." A concerned look crossed Gordie's face. Leslie missed
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||
this, since the engineer's face was concealed by the brown paper bag
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||
he customarily wore over his head. "'smatter, your sense of humor on
|
||
leave?"
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||
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||
"Nah. I was just thinking..."
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||
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||
"About something *other* than those beach babes?"
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||
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||
"Maybe." Leslie's blush deepened. Since he had no intention of
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||
telling anyone, even Gordie, what he has just been thinking about, he
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||
decided to change the subject. "So...what were you doin' up in the
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||
ceiling? Hiding from Captain Picardo again?"
|
||
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||
Gordie snorted. "No way! We got that ironed out long ago. That was
|
||
a straight medical physical your mother was giving me."
|
||
|
||
"Right! Just like the ones she gives the captain every night, and
|
||
sometimes on Saturday afternoons."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 5 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"Now Les, nobody is supposed to know about that."
|
||
|
||
It was Leslie's turn to snort. "Sure. Anyone who's deaf, dumb and
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blind doesn't know about it. You'd think with all this technology
|
||
they could come up with bed frames that don't squeak..."
|
||
|
||
"Les..."
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||
|
||
"Forget it!" Leslie felt suddenly embarrassed by his mother's
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||
extracurricular activities. "Alright then...what *were* you doing
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||
up in the ceiling?"
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||
|
||
"Checking the tachyon dispensers. Since they are capable of solving
|
||
any problem, we have to make sure they're always available."
|
||
|
||
"But since we're a cruise ship now, why do we need those anyway?"
|
||
|
||
"Space is a dangerous place, Les. Just because Starfleet sold the
|
||
_Enterprise_ to Countess Cruise Lines due to downsizing doesn't mean
|
||
that bad things can't happen to the ship."
|
||
|
||
Leslie was letting himself get agitated now. "They took out the
|
||
photon torpedo bays and replaced them with jacuzzis. And the phaser
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||
banks are now a skeet shooting range!"
|
||
|
||
"Yeah, and they changed the ship's name from _Enterprise_ to
|
||
_Ecstasy_. What's your point?"
|
||
|
||
Leslie sighed, and rolled his eyes like he was talking to a small
|
||
child. "The point is, there are now more Virtual Reality decks on
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||
board than laboratories. The main VR deck contractor has three
|
||
technicians permanently assigned to the ship. What about our old
|
||
mission of exploration and research?"
|
||
|
||
"Wake up and smell the tribbles, Les! Nobody cares about exploration
|
||
anymore. All people care about is what makes them feel good *now*.
|
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They don't care about tomorrow. The pioneer spirit is dead."
|
||
|
||
"That's a pretty selfish attitude. What about my generation, and
|
||
the ones to follow?"
|
||
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||
"You'll figure out something, Les. You guys are pretty smart...
|
||
not as smart as you think you are, but pretty smart. Hey, you want
|
||
*real* smart, check out those Nintendo technicians, they're all
|
||
smart cookies. That blonde with the spiked hair, what's her name?"
|
||
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"Lisa."
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|
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"Right, Lisa. She may know virtual reality, but I bet she could show
|
||
you a thing or two about *real* reality as well."
|
||
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"Puleease! She's gotta be at least twenty-five!"
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 6 November 1994
|
||
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Gordie grinned knowingly. "Older women can be fun, Les. They know
|
||
things..."
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Suddenly Leslie's communicator beeped. "Ensign Musher, report to
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sick bay, on the double!"
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Leslie winced at the all-too-familiar voice. He slapped the device
|
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to enable transmit. "Coming, mother." He looked up at his grinning
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friend. "Go ahead and smirk, LeStudd. I may just ask Lisa out."
|
||
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"If you won't, I will. You better run along now..."
|
||
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Leslie checked to make sure no one else was in the corridor, then
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stuck his tongue out at Gordie as the engineer climbed back through
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the ceiling panel to complete his inspection. Although Leslie knew
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||
it was an infantile gesture, he didn't particularly care at that
|
||
moment. It made him feel better.
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- - - -
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"I'm waiting for an explanation, Leslie." Dr. Cleverly Musher was
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wearing an impatient expression on her face. Leslie had categorized
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over 300 expressions his mother's face was capable of displaying in
|
||
times of stress; everything from 'I am contemplating being mildly
|
||
irritated about this situation' up to 'I am going to hurl you into a
|
||
supernova, without a spacesuit, or even sunblock, if you don't stop
|
||
that this instant.'
|
||
|
||
Leslie finally decided this expression was about a 202 on the scale,
|
||
which was 'If you think you'll ever hear the end of this from me, you
|
||
have another think coming.' He didn't see what the big deal was.
|
||
Those books had long been considered literature. "I don't see what
|
||
the big deal is, Mom. Those books were considered literature back
|
||
when *you* were sixteen."
|
||
|
||
"That's not the point and you know it. And another thing, stop
|
||
saying 'when *I* was sixteen' like it was during the Paleolithic
|
||
Age."
|
||
|
||
"Come on, Mom. It was just _The Story of O_ and _Exit to Eden_.
|
||
They're both considered classics."
|
||
|
||
"Classic trash! You might as well be reading William Burroughs, for
|
||
heaven's sake."
|
||
|
||
"I thought you didn't believe in heaven, Mom. And who's this William
|
||
Burroughs?" Leslie made a mental note to look up the name in _Books
|
||
Online_.
|
||
|
||
"Don't try to change the subject, young man. We were talking about
|
||
these 'interests' you are developing. As a physician, I know they
|
||
are only natural."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 7 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"So why are you giving me hormone blockers, and why do have I to
|
||
sleep in that stupid stasis-sleep box every night."
|
||
|
||
"That's for your own protection, Leslie. And stop trying to change
|
||
the subject! I thought you had a talk with Lt. Blorf about this last
|
||
week. Didn't the rather spartan Klingon methods of dealing with...
|
||
shall we say, frustrations, appeal to you?"
|
||
|
||
"Hah! Mom, do you know about the Klingon version of a cold shower?
|
||
It involves smashing your genitals with a spiked iron club."
|
||
|
||
"Really? Blorf never would reveal how he received those injuries.
|
||
No wonder he's always so cranky. Alright, that method is definitely
|
||
out."
|
||
|
||
Leslie breathed a deep sigh of relief.
|
||
|
||
Cleverly's eyes suddenly lit up. "What about Counselor d'Troit? She
|
||
might be able to help."
|
||
|
||
Leslie didn't believe that for a nanosecond. On the other hand, he
|
||
never passed up a chance to spend time with the ship's counselor. Of
|
||
course, Leslie was more interested in her other on-board job than in
|
||
her psychoanalytical abilities. "Sure, Mom. Anything you say."
|
||
|
||
Cleverly Musher, M.D. gave her only offspring a suspicious glance.
|
||
She wondered why he was suddenly so cooperative.
|
||
|
||
- - - -
|
||
|
||
Leslie sat in the counselor's waiting room. He studiously ignored
|
||
the collection of paper magazines, most of which dated back to the
|
||
20th century, lying on a low table in the center of the small room.
|
||
His entire attention was focused on the poster on the opposite wall.
|
||
|
||
The subject of Leslie's scrutiny was a standard glossy advertising
|
||
poster, about a meter high and nearly that wide, bearing words in
|
||
several languages and a picture in the center. The top of the poster
|
||
read, 'Helen d'Troit: Enough beauty to launch at least one ship.'
|
||
Below the picture appeared the smaller legend, 'Alright, would you
|
||
believe a shuttlecraft?' At the very bottom of the poster appeared
|
||
the larger words, 'Appearing nightly in the Lido Lounge, U.S.S.
|
||
Ecstasy.' Leslie already knew these words by heart. The real
|
||
subject of the youth's attention was the full color, tri-d picture of
|
||
the ship's counselor, clad only in pasties and a g-string.
|
||
|
||
Leslie shifted his legs uncomfortably. He wore the most baggy pair
|
||
of trousers that could be worn with anything other than clown shoes.
|
||
Any other pants became most uncomfortable during his interviews with
|
||
Counselor d'Troit. The worst part was that d'Troit didn't need to
|
||
see the state of his trousers to know exactly what he was thinking
|
||
every time he was near her. It was very embarrassing.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 8 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Leslie's art appreciation was interrupted by the door to d'Troit's
|
||
inner office swooshing open. It was not the counselor that emerged,
|
||
however, but Lt. Tar, the ship's chief of security. The short, but
|
||
powerful, blonde officer had her left arm in a sling. She noticed
|
||
Leslie staring at it. "It's not that bad, Les. Just a sprain."
|
||
|
||
"How did it happen?"
|
||
|
||
"'My favorite android' and I went slam dancing last night in the
|
||
Clapton Memorial Disco. Object got a little carried away."
|
||
|
||
Leslie smirked, "Looks more like you got carried away, on a
|
||
stretcher!"
|
||
|
||
Tar blushed slightly, then laughed despite herself. "Okay, smart
|
||
boy. I bet you wouldn't be able to take your hands off your lap and
|
||
walk into d'Troit's office if you weren't wearing those clown pants."
|
||
|
||
Leslie's grin turned into a blush. It occurred to him that he'd been
|
||
blushing quite a lot lately. "They're not clown pants," Leslie
|
||
mumbled, exhibiting a sudden intense interest in the pattern on
|
||
d'Troit's waiting room floor.
|
||
|
||
"Right." Tar headed for the outer office door. "Don't worry, kid.
|
||
Helen's wearing her uniform today."
|
||
|
||
As the outer door closed behind Lt. Tar, the inner office door opened
|
||
again. Helen d'Troit stood in the doorway and grinned at Leslie, who
|
||
had tremendous difficulty forcing himself not to stare at her
|
||
cleavage. "Hello, Ensign Hormone Storm. Come on in," she suggested
|
||
seductively. Of course, everything she did seemed seductive to
|
||
Leslie. The furiously blushing youth followed her into the office,
|
||
walking a little oddly despite his clown pants.
|
||
|
||
- - - -
|
||
|
||
"Everyone treats me like a clown...or maybe a performing dog,"
|
||
Leslie muttered to himself as he trudged towards the turbolift an
|
||
hour later. The door swooshed open and he entered the lift, joining
|
||
two passengers that were already aboard. "Bridge," Leslie ordered,
|
||
supremely glad that he followed d'Troit's advice and changed into
|
||
regular uniform trousers before going to see the captain.
|
||
|
||
The two young men (this was a singles cruise, Leslie remembered) got
|
||
off on deck five and immediately headed for unoccupied VR decks, the
|
||
Nintendo logo glistening on their doors. The turbolift doors closed
|
||
again and completed the trip to the bridge. Leslie always got a lump
|
||
in his throat as the lift doors opened on the bridge. He simply
|
||
couldn't shake the memory of his first visit here, when the captain
|
||
had nearly torn his head off for daring to enter His bridge.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 9 November 1994
|
||
|
||
A great deal had changed on the bridge since that fateful day. The
|
||
tactical control station now controlled the hundreds of virtual
|
||
reality environments on board the ship. The science station
|
||
controlled the swimming pools, tennis courts, and variable-gravity
|
||
sports venues.
|
||
|
||
Monitors viewed all the action in the ship's casino. Cheating was
|
||
rare considering the fact that Lt. Blorf, the bouncer, would not
|
||
hesitate to throw offenders not only out of the casino, but out of
|
||
the nearest convenient airlock into deep space. His crankiness was
|
||
legendary among the gamblers of the quadrant.
|
||
|
||
One thing that hadn't changed was the center seat. Well, it *was*
|
||
covered with sheepskin now - the real deal, too. None of that
|
||
artificial stuff for the captain of Countess Cruise Lines' flagship.
|
||
|
||
Captain Ricardo Picardo hadn't changed that much. He still exuded a
|
||
palpable aura of command that scared the hell out of Leslie. The
|
||
expensive rug that topped his former chrome dome looked good, even if
|
||
it looked strange to those who knew him before he took to wearing it.
|
||
Leslie descended to the center of the bridge, facing the man in the
|
||
center seat.
|
||
|
||
Picardo looked up from the dog-eared Harold Robbins paperback he was
|
||
reading. "Ensign? What is it?"
|
||
|
||
"A flag flown by ancient maritime vessels, sir. But that's not
|
||
important right now. May I speak to you in private?"
|
||
|
||
Picardo sighed, but rose. "Of course, I always have a few moments
|
||
for a member of the crew...even one with pimples."
|
||
|
||
Leslie gulped for air like a landed fish. He soon recovered and
|
||
followed Picardo into his ready-or-not room. Picardo walked over to
|
||
the nutrient replicator. "Sangria, tepid." The mechanism hummed.
|
||
Picardo took the resulting pitcher and sprawled on the lounge chair
|
||
behind his falsewood desk. He filled a crystal glass, from which he
|
||
immediately took a big chug. "Sit down, ensign. What can I do for
|
||
you?"
|
||
|
||
"I just saw Counselor d'Troit."
|
||
|
||
"In the Lido Lounge? I thought you knew better than to go in there
|
||
again until you're at least eighteen?"
|
||
|
||
"No, sir. I saw..."
|
||
|
||
"You don't know better?"
|
||
|
||
Leslie noticed a dangerous color building in the captain's face.
|
||
"No, sir. I mean, yes, sir. I do know better than to go into the
|
||
Lido Lounge again. I saw Counselor d'Troit in her office."
|
||
|
||
Picardo relaxed. "Well, that's different. Go on."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 10 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"Counselor d'Troit gave me this." Leslie handed the captain a neatly
|
||
folded piece of paper.
|
||
|
||
Picardo folded open the paper and read the note. His eyebrows did a
|
||
quick vulcan science officer impression. "I take it your mother
|
||
doesn't know about this?"
|
||
|
||
"No, sir. Counselor d'Troit thought it would be best for her not to
|
||
know."
|
||
|
||
"Really?" Picardo's brow knitted in thought as he took another chug
|
||
of sangria. "I suppose there's something to that. Mothers do tend
|
||
to be unreasonable about these things where their sons are concerned.
|
||
Fathers, on the other hand, tend to overreact when it comes to their
|
||
daughters."
|
||
|
||
Leslie thought that mothers, or at least *his* mother, tended to be
|
||
unreasonable about most everything. He decided to keep that opinion
|
||
to himself, especially considering how close the captain was to his
|
||
mother...almost every night. "Yes, sir."
|
||
|
||
"The question is, do *you* think you're ready for this, Leslie?"
|
||
|
||
Leslie was momentarily stunned, since the captain had never referred
|
||
to him by his first name before. As to the question, Leslie had been
|
||
ready for this for years. "Yes, sir!"
|
||
|
||
"Very well, ensign, you have your waiver." Picardo returned
|
||
immediately to formal mode. He signed the note and returned it the
|
||
eager hands of the acting ensign. "Enjoy."
|
||
|
||
"Thank you, sir!" Leslie grabbed the note and had to force himself to
|
||
not run from the room.
|
||
|
||
- - - -
|
||
|
||
Leslie straightened his best uniform tunic for the thousandth time.
|
||
He was so on edge that his nerve endings were practically outside his
|
||
body. Destiny was just around the corner. He steeled himself again
|
||
and marched around the corner, directly into the tank-like chest of
|
||
Commander Spik'er, the ship's executive officer.
|
||
|
||
"Whoa, Les! What's the rush?" Spik'er bent to help Leslie, who had
|
||
bounced off his chest and was sprawled on the floor.
|
||
|
||
"No rush, I just wasn't paying attention. Sorry, sir." He brushed
|
||
himself off and desperately tried to look nonchalant.
|
||
|
||
Spik'er shrugged off the apology. "No big deal, pal." He cocked his
|
||
head to one side. "Gee, you're sure spiffed up. Got a date
|
||
tonight?"
|
||
|
||
Leslie unsuccessfully tried to fight off the blush, "No sir, not
|
||
exactly."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 11 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"Not exactly, eh? Well...," Spik'er started to leave. Suddenly he
|
||
stopped and eyed Leslie suspiciously. "Wait a minute. You're not
|
||
planning to try getting in there again, are you?" He gestured
|
||
vaguely towards a mahogany covered doorway at the end of the hall.
|
||
|
||
"Well..."
|
||
|
||
"Come off it, Les. You know that Guyaxy's people will never let you
|
||
in. If you tick her off too badly, she won't let you in even when
|
||
you *are* old enough."
|
||
|
||
Leslie drew himself up to his full height, which came roughly to
|
||
Spik'er's sternum. He offered the note to the Exec. "This says I'm
|
||
old enough now, sir."
|
||
|
||
Spik'er took the paper, glared briefly at Leslie, then unfolded and
|
||
read the note. He grunted. "Signed by d'Troit and Picardo, eh? Is
|
||
this on the level?"
|
||
|
||
"Yes, sir." Leslie was becoming concerned that so many people were
|
||
finding out about this.
|
||
|
||
"You poor kid. But do you think Guyaxy will buy this?"
|
||
|
||
Leslie stood with his hands clasped behind his back, poking at
|
||
nothing in particular with the toe of his right shoe. He shrugged.
|
||
|
||
"Alright, come with me," said Spik'er, swaggering down the corridor
|
||
towards the ornate door. He still had Leslie's note in his hand.
|
||
|
||
Leslie launched into his landed fish impression again as he hurried
|
||
after Spik'er. "But sir," he gasped breathlessly, "I can handle this
|
||
myself!"
|
||
|
||
Spik'er grinned wickedly, "I thought the whole point of this exercise
|
||
was to not have to do that anymore?"
|
||
|
||
"Siirrr!" Leslie spluttered.
|
||
|
||
"Don't worry, I'll get you in." Spik'er stopped in front of the
|
||
mahogany door. The genuine wooden covering clashed with the alloy
|
||
walls surrounding the portal. The number "10" was carved into the
|
||
upper center of the wood, the numbers embossed in gold. A brass door
|
||
knocker waited a half meter below the numbers.
|
||
|
||
"Sir! I don't need..." Leslie's protest was interrupted by Spik'er
|
||
firmly applying the brass knocker to the mahogany door. The youth
|
||
began trying to compose himself and furiously straighten all his
|
||
clothing.
|
||
|
||
For a few moments nothing happened. The nervous youth stood next to
|
||
Spik'er, who appeared the be swaggering even while standing still.
|
||
Leslie often wondered how he managed to do that.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 12 November 1994
|
||
|
||
A loud click emanated from the door, which swung in to the left.
|
||
This was obviously an old-style, hinged door. A male vulcan opened
|
||
the door wide, waving the two humans inside. Leslie was astounded by
|
||
the odd furnishings of the room they now entered. He searched his
|
||
memory for a name to attach to the obviously ancient style of
|
||
interior decor.
|
||
|
||
Leslie's musings were interrupted by two simultaneous events: he
|
||
caught sight of a pair of borg seated on a frilly couch at the far
|
||
end of the room; and the nattily dressed doorbeing, having closed the
|
||
antique door, turned and addressed the newcomers. "Good evening,
|
||
gentlemen," the vulcan politely intoned, "Welcome to Ten Very
|
||
Forward, the best little whore house in..."
|
||
|
||
"Wait!" a dignified, authoritarian voice called from across the room.
|
||
The two humans turned to face the source of the interruption, an
|
||
older vulcan in a tuxedo who strode purposefully towards them.
|
||
|
||
Spik'er grinned at the approaching vulcan. "Saran, good to see you
|
||
again..."
|
||
|
||
"Can the small talk, Spik'er! You still owe us four month's pay. I
|
||
told you not to show your face here again until your account was
|
||
current. And as a vulcan, I was not amused by your attempt to get in
|
||
here last week wearing a mask!"
|
||
|
||
"Come on, Saran. A man has needs. Besides, are you sure all those
|
||
charges are really mine? Someone has been running up my _Playbeing_
|
||
account something awful." Spik'er was quite vexed. Leslie's stomach
|
||
was doing somersaults, but he kept a neutral expression on his face.
|
||
|
||
"Your 'needs' could short out all the VR decks on this ship, not to
|
||
mention our entire staff. Our accounting is most meticulous, as you
|
||
well know. Your other problems are strictly your own. I have no
|
||
time for this. Get out." The vulcan's tone was very matter-of-fact.
|
||
|
||
"Hold on, Saran. As it turns out, I'm not here for me. My friend
|
||
here is the customer tonight." Spik'er gestured towards Leslie.
|
||
|
||
Saran eyed Leslie narrowly. "You look a little young. Let's see
|
||
some ID." Leslie sighed and reached for his ID card. He was glad
|
||
that he didn't look in real life like any of the disguises he had
|
||
used in previous attempts to gain entrance to this place.
|
||
|
||
"Hold it, Saran," interrupted Spik'er. He offered the folded paper
|
||
to the vulcan. "Take a look at this first."
|
||
|
||
The vulcan took the paper carefully out of the Spik'er's hand, almost
|
||
as if was expecting the human to be wearing a hand buzzer. He
|
||
quickly read the contents, and his left eyebrow arched in the manner
|
||
of his race when showing surprise. "Is this some kind of trick?"
|
||
|
||
"No tricks, Saran," Spik'er assured him. "I'll vouch for both those
|
||
signatures. They're genuine."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 13 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"Very well, I'll take this to Madame. The decision is hers. Have a
|
||
seat, gentlemen." Saran turned and exited the room through an ornate
|
||
wooden framed passageway.
|
||
|
||
Leslie and Spik'er sat on a pair of overstuffed chairs in the waiting
|
||
room. After a half minute Leslie broke the silence, "that guy is a
|
||
little cold."
|
||
|
||
Spik'er chuckled. "Don't mind Saran, he just gets wrapped up in his
|
||
work."
|
||
|
||
Leslie slumped back in his chair. Suddenly two questions occurred to
|
||
him. One seemed more urgent, since the subjects were still sitting
|
||
patiently across the room. "Sir, what are borg doing here?" he
|
||
whispered.
|
||
|
||
Spik'er leaned towards Leslie, covering his mouth and whispering,
|
||
"they're flocking here these days. Guyaxy has the only HP ProbeJet
|
||
in the quadrant."
|
||
|
||
"HP ProbeJet?"
|
||
|
||
"Yes." Spik'er slipped into his best holovid announcer's voice, "The
|
||
latest in automata pleasure devices."
|
||
|
||
"I see. And why are all the employees here vulcans? I wouldn't have
|
||
expected them to be working in a place like this."
|
||
|
||
"People need jobs, Les. After the Cardasians started worshipping
|
||
Elvis and the Borg went condo, all the interstellar governments
|
||
started to downsize their defense fleets. You remember how 'The Big
|
||
E' became a cruise ship? Well, the vulcans, despite their peace
|
||
loving reputation, turned out to be about the biggest defense
|
||
contractors in the galaxy. A lot of them are out of work now, so
|
||
they pop up in the strangest places."
|
||
|
||
"Okay," Leslie's brow furrowed. "But why is Guyaxy hiring them? I
|
||
wouldn't think they'd be that well suited to the work here."
|
||
|
||
Spik'er chuckled again. "Guyaxy may be dignified and all that, but
|
||
she's cheap too. She only has to give the vulcans freebies once
|
||
every seven years."
|
||
|
||
"Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought of that."
|
||
|
||
"Guyaxy did. She never misses a trick." At that both humans
|
||
erupted into such gales of laughter that even the borg took notice
|
||
for a few picoseconds.
|
||
|
||
Eventually Leslie was forced to stop laughing or wet himself. He
|
||
luckily had the presence of mind to stop laughing. As he wiped the
|
||
tears from his eyes, he was glad for the release of tension. He soon
|
||
noticed that while he and the Commander had been immersed in mirth,
|
||
Saran had reentered the room, accompanied by two very large vulcans.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 14 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"If you're quite through amusing yourselves," the tuxedo clad vulcan
|
||
began seriously, "we can on with this." The two spent humans rose
|
||
from their chairs. "Ensign, you will accompany me. Madame Guyaxy
|
||
wishes to speak with you. Commander, you will leave. Now."
|
||
|
||
Leslie watched, speechless, as the two vulcans with Saran grabbed
|
||
Spik'er and bodily threw him, kicking and cursing, out the front
|
||
door. The doorbeing, who had opened that portal in anticipation of
|
||
this operation, closed it again, cutting off Spik'er's expression of
|
||
outrage.
|
||
|
||
- - - -
|
||
|
||
"So, ensign, exactly how long has this been going on?"
|
||
|
||
"Ma'am?" Leslie was having tremendous trouble looking Guyaxy in the
|
||
face. Not that it was an ugly face, or anything. It was her eyes.
|
||
They seemed to see right through his skin into his soul. If you
|
||
looked directly into them, they seemed to be bottomless wells. All
|
||
the knowledge in the universe, especially erotic knowledge, seemed to
|
||
be contained (just barely) in those wells.
|
||
|
||
"How long has your mother been making you sleep in that stasis box?"
|
||
|
||
"Since I was twelve." Guyaxy's office fascinated Leslie. It was
|
||
furnished in the same ornate style as the waiting room, with real
|
||
wooden furniture that must have cost a bundle.
|
||
|
||
"I see. And that was how many years ago?"
|
||
|
||
"Six years. But since I don't age during the eights hours each night
|
||
I spend in stasis-sleep, my body has only aged four years."
|
||
|
||
"So your mental age is eighteen, but your physical age is sixteen?"
|
||
|
||
"Yes, ma'am." Leslie finally remembered the term applied to Ten Very
|
||
Forward's style of interior decor. It was called Victorian.
|
||
|
||
"I understand that the mothers of many races become upset at how
|
||
quickly their children grow up. This is the first case I've seen in
|
||
all my long years where a mother has actually taken steps to slow the
|
||
process. How did she get away with it?"
|
||
|
||
Leslie was amused by the question. "Easy, she's the chief surgeon on
|
||
a starship. Plus, she invented the stasis-sleep technology. She
|
||
claimed to be 'testing' it on me all this time."
|
||
|
||
"An interesting situation." Guyaxy appeared lost in thought, an even
|
||
further away look in her eyes, her gloved hands pressed together in
|
||
an attitude some beings reserved for prayer.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 15 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Leslie couldn't help thinking of the rumors that circulated
|
||
throughout the ship about this mysterious alien. Some said Guyaxy
|
||
wore clothing that covered everything except her face because she had
|
||
a lizard's body. That didn't make sense to Leslie. He didn't know
|
||
what she really was, but it occurred to him, sitting there in her
|
||
presence, that there really *were* things that people were better off
|
||
not knowing.
|
||
|
||
Guyaxy's hands separated. She seemed to have come to a decision.
|
||
"Very well. I would like to speak with your mother about her new
|
||
technology at her earliest convenience. Meanwhile, since mental
|
||
capacity is the most important aspect of consent, you are accepted as
|
||
a customer of Ten Very Forward."
|
||
|
||
- - - -
|
||
|
||
Leslie was as bewildered as he ever hoped to be. Seated in an ornate
|
||
Victorian drawing room nestled deep in Ten Very Forward, he mused
|
||
over the events of the past few minutes.
|
||
|
||
Whisked from Madame Guyaxy's office by Saran, Leslie underwent a
|
||
quick, but thorough, medical scan. "Just to make sure you're
|
||
healthy," Saran assured him. "We can't afford any accidents here."
|
||
|
||
Next came the questions. Gender? Species? Not even race...species?
|
||
Leslie fancied himself as having a wild imagination. There were even
|
||
moments when he felt himself to be...perverted. Leslie was surprised
|
||
by these feelings, even though he was smart enough to recognize them
|
||
as mere alternatives, not as the perversions they were once thought
|
||
to be. Still, the options being offered here boggled Leslie's mind.
|
||
|
||
At least the initial selections were made from holovid recordings.
|
||
Saran wanted him to select two or three for the actual interview, but
|
||
when he saw her holovid, the choice was clear. Now Leslie sat
|
||
waiting for her, his nerves so brittle he felt like a china doll...
|
||
like the slightest touch could cause him to shatter into a hundred
|
||
pieces.
|
||
|
||
A door opened. Leslie sprang out of his chair like a jack-in-the-
|
||
box. He silently cursed himself for being a childish idiot. Then he
|
||
saw her.
|
||
|
||
She wore a blue dress that went dreamily with both her spiked blonde
|
||
hair and her squash-colored skin. She closed the door and seemed to
|
||
glide across the room. "Hi there. I remember seeing you around the
|
||
ship." Her voice was curiously high pitched.
|
||
|
||
Leslie's mouth was suddenly bone dry. He tried to swallow. "Hi," he
|
||
nearly croaked, "it's good to meet you finally." What a stupid thing
|
||
to say! "I thought you worked for Nintendo?" Even better! Way to
|
||
go, genius!
|
||
|
||
Lisa smiled engagingly. "I do work for 'the big N.' I just
|
||
moonlight here."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 16 November 1994
|
||
|
||
"I see. I'm Leslie Musher, by the way."
|
||
|
||
"Lisa Simpson." She reached out and took Leslie's hand. He stared
|
||
at her hand, surprised at the sensation. "You ever meet a toon
|
||
before, Leslie?"
|
||
|
||
"N..no," Leslie stammered. "Are you really real?"
|
||
|
||
"Real enough for you, big boy!" Lisa embraced Leslie and kissed him.
|
||
Leslie saw stars. He couldn't tell if they were toon stars or real
|
||
ones. He decided it didn't matter.
|
||
|
||
- - - -
|
||
|
||
Late in the ship's night Leslie limped out of Ten Very Forward. He
|
||
headed back to his quarters, exhausted but content. He softly sang
|
||
an old Earth song, "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me." {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
|
||
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
|
||
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
|
||
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
|
||
hangs out on the alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die newsgroup. FidoNet>
|
||
1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Privacy Assured
|
||
by Greg Borek
|
||
|
||
Hello, Boris!
|
||
|
||
Well, hello Comrade Captain Ivan! Come! Make yourself at home in
|
||
the decadently appointed confines of Listening Post 23 and warm
|
||
yourself.
|
||
|
||
Boris, you old fool. How are you? Drinking already this morning?
|
||
|
||
Tch, tch, Ivan, you know I have a strict rule only to drink on days
|
||
that end in the letter "y". And why the question? You yourself have
|
||
been known to warm yourself on cold mornings with some vodka...and
|
||
here is some vodka with which we might test that very theory.
|
||
|
||
Aren't you afraid of getting in trouble, my old friend?
|
||
|
||
No, for two reasons: 1) I am a government worker and impervious to
|
||
the rigors of productivity and responsibility - I am confident I
|
||
cannot be fired or demoted; and 2) you write my reviews.
|
||
|
||
<Drinks> Yes, that's right. Well, what's going on here? Have you
|
||
had your ear to the wires this morning?
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 17 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Of course. <Drinks> You know, ever since the government made
|
||
everyone use those Clipper chips to send encoded information, traffic
|
||
through here has dwindled to almost nothing. What a brou-ha-ha that
|
||
was! There were so many people concerned about the privacy of their
|
||
electronic data. We had a job just to keep up with the new
|
||
algorithms. Now that they KNOW that we are listening, they stopped
|
||
sending data electronically. Back to surface mail. <Drinks>
|
||
|
||
But surely they know we read that as well. <Drinks> What a pain!
|
||
Snooping on electronic data is so much easier: no packages to open
|
||
and re-seal, no fingerprints to leave, no turnaround time. Let me
|
||
tell you, the boys in Surface Mail are really swamped these days.
|
||
There are rumors that they aren't reading everything and that they
|
||
are just passing some things through unread. <Drinks> So, you have
|
||
nothing to listen to now?
|
||
|
||
There is one company, the XYZ Corp, that still sends data that I can
|
||
intercept and read. <Drinks> It's funny but they were one of the
|
||
companies that complained the loudest about the loss of their privacy
|
||
and they still send data. And why do they bother? All they talk
|
||
about is their stupid Christmas party. How do they keep in business?
|
||
|
||
Christmas party?
|
||
|
||
Yeah, all they ever talk about is who is selling the most tickets to
|
||
the party! Ridiculous stuff. I read messages from one division head
|
||
complaining that the Christmas party tickets were selling better on
|
||
the East Coast as compared to the West Coast. And get this! They
|
||
are charging different prices for the Christmas party tickets based
|
||
on the part of the country! They plan to "market" the tickets more
|
||
heavily in the Midwest than anywhere else! Utter nonsense.
|
||
|
||
Unbelievable. <Drinks> Anyway, I heard you were buying a dacha
|
||
inside the District?
|
||
|
||
That's right. You are really only involved in the government living
|
||
inside the Beltway. {RAH}
|
||
-------------
|
||
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
|
||
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you), and his dacha is
|
||
located inside the D.C. Beltway. His best friend, his client, and
|
||
his significant other are all government employees. Greg has a
|
||
poorly developed sense of danger. Netmail to: Greg Borek at
|
||
1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Biography of Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari
|
||
by Muffy Mandel
|
||
|
||
Curiosity is a powerful thing. It can kill cats, and get humans
|
||
into lots of trouble too. Not all humans are equally curious, or
|
||
even curious about the same things. The subject of this month's
|
||
installment in the Vaporware biography series, Vinnie "The Knife"
|
||
Calamari, is curious about things wh$#@%&*(%$# NO CAT CARRIER
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 18 November 1994
|
||
|
||
The Opraldohue Show
|
||
by Ray Koziel
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Greetings and welcome to another fascinating show! I am
|
||
Opraldohue, as I'm sure you all know, and boy, let me
|
||
tell you, do we have a fascinating show today! I'm all
|
||
a-tingle!
|
||
|
||
We have an exciting lineup of guests who have come from
|
||
all over time and space. And what makes them even more
|
||
interesting is that our guests are not even human! Well
|
||
let's not waste any more time and meet our first guest.
|
||
It gives me great pleasure to introduce, straight from
|
||
The Heart of Gold, Marvin the Paranoid Android!
|
||
|
||
[A round of applause fills the studio]
|
||
|
||
Marvin, it's great to have you here. How are you today?
|
||
|
||
Marvin: Dreadful...absolutely dreadful.
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Super! Well let's go then to our next guest who comes
|
||
straight from the Enterprise - Lt. Commander Data!
|
||
|
||
[Another outburst of applause fills the studio]
|
||
|
||
Data! It is such a pleasure to have you with us!
|
||
|
||
Data: And I find it interesting to be on one of these "talk shows"
|
||
that humans find so intriguing and fascinating.
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Right. Our next guest - or guests - have seen the
|
||
brutal face of war and rebellion. Please welcome, from
|
||
the New Republic, C3PO and R2D2!
|
||
|
||
[The crowd goes berserk as the two of them appear on the stage]
|
||
|
||
Threepio: Hello, I am C3PO, human-cyborg relations. I am fluent
|
||
in...
|
||
|
||
R2: *BEEP-BOOP-DO-SQUAWK!*
|
||
|
||
Threepio: What do you mean they could care less about that right
|
||
now?! I was going to introduce you eventually you
|
||
little...
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: How cute! Our next guest comes from future Detroit and
|
||
has vowed to serve and protect. Please give a round of
|
||
applause for none other than Robocop!
|
||
|
||
[Again, applause washes over the studio]
|
||
|
||
Robocop: Hello Opraldohue! It is my pleasure to be here!
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 19 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: I'm sure. Our final guest also comes from the future,
|
||
but a much grimmer, uglier future. Here is the
|
||
Terminator!
|
||
|
||
[Instead of applause, the audience gasps and screams as the Terminator
|
||
appears on stage]
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Now don't worry everyone! Everything is ok. Our
|
||
programming experts have overridden the Terminator's
|
||
prime function of exterminating mankind.
|
||
|
||
Threepio: Oh my!
|
||
|
||
Data: Fascinating!
|
||
|
||
Marvin: Is this show going to last much longer? I'm getting
|
||
incredibly bored. Here I am, with a brain the size of a
|
||
planet, and all they ask me to do is appear on a talk show.
|
||
How annoying.
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Ok, let's cut to the chase. Your kind has been referred
|
||
to by many names - droids, androids, robots, cyborgs.
|
||
In this age of political correctness, what is the
|
||
correct terminology?
|
||
|
||
Data: I'd like to answer that if I may. The term 'android' is used
|
||
to refer to any robot that has been created to look like and
|
||
even think like a human. On the other hand, a 'cyborg' is in
|
||
actuality a human that has been altered with artificial organs
|
||
and other body parts. So, depending on the situation, both
|
||
terms are applicable.
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: I see! So Robocop, you are in essence a cyborg as
|
||
opposed to an android like the rest of the guests.
|
||
|
||
Robocop: That is correct, Opraldohue! I was one of the best
|
||
officers on the Detroit police force. Now, thanks to the
|
||
cybernetics I've been fitted with, I'm even better!
|
||
|
||
Terminator: I beg to differ! I can be considered a cyborg too!
|
||
|
||
[The Terminator grabs the flesh on his forehead and starts ripping it
|
||
right off his face, exposing the characteristic metal "skull" of the
|
||
Terminator robot! The audience goes wild!]
|
||
|
||
Data: How fascinating! Artificial flesh...I wonder how similar to my
|
||
own?
|
||
|
||
Threepio: Oh my!
|
||
|
||
Marvin: Can we get on with this?
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 20 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Ok, let's carry on with the next question. One of the
|
||
main differences that have set you apart from humans is
|
||
the lack of emotions and personality. Does this bother
|
||
you or have...
|
||
|
||
Marvin: Personality? You want to know about personality? Why, I'm
|
||
a personality prototype of the Sirius Cybernetics Corp. I
|
||
was the first of their line of automated and robotic devices
|
||
endowed with human characteristics. I have a brain the size
|
||
of a planet, I'll have you know! And what do they make me
|
||
do? 'Hey Marvin, get me another Pan-Galactic Gargle
|
||
Blaster.' 'Hey Marvin, go get me a sandwich.' ' Hey,
|
||
Marvin...'
|
||
|
||
Data: Not having a personality or any emotion per se, I find that
|
||
just makes it more intriguing to interact with humans and to
|
||
learn more about them.
|
||
|
||
R2: *BRIT BOOT DOOT DEE BOO DOOT*
|
||
|
||
Threepio: I beg your pardon, you hyperactive bucket of bolts! I am
|
||
not over-emotional. It is beyond my programming...you
|
||
little twit!
|
||
|
||
R2: *BIP DOO BWARP!!*
|
||
|
||
Threepio: Same to you!
|
||
|
||
Marvin: ... And then there is that imbecilic Eddie the Shipboard
|
||
Computer! Oh how I dread having to deal with him! "Hello,
|
||
I am Eddie the Shipboard Computer! I'm happy to be at your
|
||
service today! What may I calculate for you?" Please...
|
||
it would be enough to make me puke, if it was functionally
|
||
possible for me to do so. And then there is...
|
||
|
||
[Unknown to everyone in the studio, a hidden default program in the
|
||
Terminator became active shortly after it was reprogrammed. It's
|
||
task, to undo any reprogramming that was done to prevent it from
|
||
performing it's intended mission - to terminate!
|
||
|
||
The Terminator suddenly leaps to its feet wielding a weapon that it
|
||
must have retrieved from a secret compartment somewhere. The crowd
|
||
goes into hysterics.]
|
||
|
||
Terminator: Stop! You are to be terminated!
|
||
|
||
[The Terminator starts filling the studio with laser fire...]
|
||
|
||
Threepio: Oh dear! We're doomed...we're doomed!
|
||
|
||
Marvin: ...and those stupid doors that thank you for using them.
|
||
How infinitely annoying! You can't walk through one with
|
||
hearing a "Thank you!" or "Have a nice day!"...
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 21 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Robocop: You will do no terminating today, Terminator! Drop your
|
||
weapon!
|
||
|
||
[The Terminator fires a shot at Robocop, slamming him backwards into
|
||
Data, who falls off the stage.]
|
||
|
||
Data: This is most intriguing. Data to Enterprise - I believe we
|
||
have a situation here which may call for some assis...
|
||
|
||
[Another laser blast blows clean through Data's chest and he slumps
|
||
to the ground. In the meantime, Threepio is running around in
|
||
circles through the studio, until a stray laser blast takes out one
|
||
of his legs.]
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: "Get some of the most famous robots on your show," they
|
||
said. "Oh don't worry about the Terminator, we'll get
|
||
him reprogrammed," they said. "But they program shows,"
|
||
I said. "Oh, what difference can there be?" they said.
|
||
Ha!
|
||
|
||
Marvin: ...not to mention that infernal Hitchhiker's Guide to the
|
||
Galaxy! Why would anyone want to know anymore about the
|
||
galaxy than they had to! It's all so boring! And...
|
||
*SQUARK!!!*
|
||
|
||
Threepio: Oh Artoo, where are you? Why is it always me that is shot
|
||
apart?
|
||
|
||
Terminator: I'm terribly sorry about the mess. I've been trying to
|
||
take him out all this time. His droning on and on about
|
||
things was driving me crazy!! Somebody had to shut him
|
||
up!
|
||
|
||
Robocop: How true! I wanted to do something along those lines
|
||
myself - he was getting on my nerves, or what I have left
|
||
of them. Unfortunately my prime directives do not allow me
|
||
to do that. But what about the other two?
|
||
|
||
Terminator: Oh, they'll be fine! Just a little repair and body work
|
||
and they'll be good as new!
|
||
|
||
Opraldohue: Well, that's all the time we have for now! I thank all
|
||
of you for joining us for another exciting show! Join
|
||
us next time when we will have extraterrestrial
|
||
politicians, and the earth women who love them! I'm
|
||
Opraldohue saying, "Toodles!" {RAH}
|
||
--------------
|
||
Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half
|
||
children. When asked about his thoughts on the information super-
|
||
highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered
|
||
"how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone
|
||
line." Ray can be reached via Compu$erve at 73753,3044 or via the
|
||
Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 22 November 1994
|
||
|
||
The 1994 Ig Nobel Prizewinners
|
||
|
||
On October 6, the winners of this year's Ig Nobel Prizes were
|
||
honored, in a fashion, by three Nobel Laureates, 1200 hecklers,
|
||
the Norwegian Consul, and a rat control scientist at a tumultuous
|
||
ceremony at MIT. The Prizes honor individuals whose achievements
|
||
"cannot or should not be reproduced." Five additional Nobel
|
||
Laureates (Sidney Altman, David Baltimore, Nicolas Bloembergen,
|
||
Jerome Friedman, and Philip Sharp) participated in the Ceremony
|
||
with congratulatory tapes and slides.
|
||
|
||
This was the fourth annual ceremony. Past winners include Los
|
||
Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates, who won the 1992 Ig Nobel Peace
|
||
Prize for "his uniquely compelling methods of bringing people
|
||
together."
|
||
|
||
The festivities included speeches by three of the new winners --
|
||
Dr. Brian Sweeney (Biology), Dr. Robert Lopez (Entomology) and,
|
||
via tape recording, Dr. Richard Dart (Medicine). Sweeney and Lopez
|
||
had their Prizes -- cheap gold-painted wax half-brains --
|
||
personally handed to them by the Nobel Laureates.
|
||
|
||
The Nobel Laureates -- Richard Roberts ( Physiology or Medicine,
|
||
1993), Dudley Herschbach (Chemistry, 1986), and William Lipscomb
|
||
(Chemistry, 1976) also each presented a 30-second "Heisenberg
|
||
Certainty Lecture." Heisenberg Lectures were also presented by:
|
||
Harvard Chemist Cynthia Friend; the father of artificial
|
||
intelligence, MIT's Marvin Minsky; astonomer Margaret Geller of
|
||
Harvard; and neurophysiology pioneer Jerome Lettvin of MIT. Those
|
||
Heisenberg Certainty lecturers who exceeded the time limit were
|
||
thrown from the stage by a referee.
|
||
|
||
The Nobel Laureates also joined with a five-woman dance group to
|
||
perform a brief ballet number, "The Interpretive Dance of the
|
||
Electrons," with music from Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite."
|
||
|
||
Following is a list of the new Ig Nobellians:
|
||
|
||
==============================
|
||
The 1994 Ig Nobel Prizewinners
|
||
==============================
|
||
|
||
BIOLOGY W. Brian Sweeney, Brian Krafte-Jacobs, Jeffrey W. Britton,
|
||
and Wayne Hansen, for their breakthrough study, "The Constipated
|
||
Serviceman: Prevalence Among Deployed US Troops," and especially
|
||
for their numerical analysis of bowel movement frequency. [The
|
||
study was published in "Military Medicine," vol. 158, August,
|
||
1993, pages 346-348.]
|
||
|
||
PEACE John Hagelin of Maharishi University and The Institute of
|
||
Science, Technology and Public Policy, promulgator of peaceful
|
||
thoughts, for his experimental conclusion that 4,000 trained
|
||
meditators caused an 18 percent decrease in violent crime in
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 23 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Washington, D.C. [Details were published in "Interim Report:
|
||
Results fo the National Demonstration Project To Reduce Violent
|
||
Crime and Improve Governmental Effectiveness In Washington, D.C.,
|
||
June 7 to July 30, 1993," Institute of Science, Technology and
|
||
Public Policy, Fairfield, Iowa.]
|
||
|
||
MEDICINE This prize is awarded in two parts. First, to Patient X,
|
||
formerly of the US Marine Corps, valiant victim of a venomous bite
|
||
from his pet rattlesnake, for his determined use of electroshock
|
||
therapy -- at his own insistence, automobile sparkplug wires were
|
||
attached to his lip, and the car engine revved to 3000 rpm for
|
||
five minutes. Second, to Dr. Richard C. Dart of the Rocky Mountain
|
||
Poison Center and Dr. Richard A. Gustafson of The University of
|
||
Arizona Health Sciences Center, for their well-grounded medical
|
||
report: "Failure of Electric Shock Treatment for Rattlesnake
|
||
Envenomation." [The report was published in "Annals of Emergency
|
||
Medicine," vol. 20, no. 6, June 1991, pp. 659-661.]
|
||
|
||
ENTOMOLOGY Robert A. Lopez of Westport, NY, valiant veterinarian
|
||
and friend of all creatures great and small, for his series of
|
||
experiments in obtaining ear mites from cats, inserting them into
|
||
his own ear, and carefully observing and analyzing the results.
|
||
[Dr. Lopez's report was published in "The Journal of the American
|
||
Veterinary Society," vol. 203, no. 5, Sept. 1, 1993, pp. 606-607.]
|
||
|
||
PSYCHOLOGY Lee Kuan Yew, former Prime Minister of Singapore,
|
||
practitioner of the psychology of negative reinforcement, for his
|
||
thirty-year study of the effects of punishing three million
|
||
citizens of Singapore whenever they spat, chewed gum, or fed
|
||
pigeons.
|
||
|
||
PHYSICS The Japanese Meterological Agency, for its seven-year
|
||
study of whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their
|
||
tails.
|
||
|
||
LITERATURE L. Ron Hubbard, ardent author of science fiction and
|
||
founding father of Scientology, for his crackling Good Book,
|
||
"Dianetics," which is highly profitable to mankind or to a portion
|
||
thereof.
|
||
|
||
CHEMISTRY Texas State Senator Bob Glasgow, wise writer of logical
|
||
legislation, for sponsoring the 1989 drug control law which make
|
||
it illegal to purchase beakers, flasks, test tubes, or other
|
||
laboratory glassware without a permit.
|
||
|
||
ECONOMICS Jan Pablo Davila of Chile, tireless trader of financial
|
||
futures and former employee of the state-owned Codelco Company,
|
||
for instructing his computer to "buy" when he meant "sell," and
|
||
subsequently attempting to recoup his losses by making
|
||
increasingly unprofitable trades that ultimately lost .5 percent
|
||
of Chile's gross national product. Davila's relentless achievement
|
||
inspired his countrymen to coin a new verb: "to davilar," meaning,
|
||
"to botch things up royally."
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 24 November 1994
|
||
|
||
MATHEMATICIANS The Southern Baptist Church of Alabama,
|
||
mathematical measurers of morality, for their county-by-county
|
||
estimate of how many Alabama citizens will go to Hell if they
|
||
don't repent.
|
||
|
||
Full details of the 1994 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, including
|
||
photographs and highlights of the acceptance speeches and 30-
|
||
second Heisenberg Certainty Lectures, will be presented in
|
||
December in the first print issue of The Annals of Improbable
|
||
Research. For subscription information, e-mail: air-subs@mit.edu.
|
||
|
||
{Ed. note: The preceding article originally appeared in the
|
||
electronic journal, _The mini-Annals of Improbable Research_ (mini-
|
||
AIRS) and is republished with permission.}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
RAH Humor Review: The M*A*S*H Novels
|
||
by Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
In 1968 the United States seemed to be flipping it's collective lid.
|
||
It was a year of riots and assassinations at home, meanwhile young
|
||
Americans were laying down their lives in the jungles of Southeast
|
||
Asia. In the midst of this insanity came an appropriately insane
|
||
novel, one that recalled the exploits of some other young Americans,
|
||
from the previous generation, who served in another Asian land war
|
||
that wasn't officially a war.
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H_, by Richard Hooker, recounts the exploits of the surgeons,
|
||
nurses, and support staff of a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH)
|
||
during the Korean War. The novel was well received, being compared
|
||
by reviewers to that classic novel of military insanity, _Catch-22_.
|
||
In fact _M*A*S*H_ would go on to surpass _Catch-22_ in commercial
|
||
success, inspiring a hit movie, and even bigger hit television
|
||
series.
|
||
|
||
The motion picture _M*A*S*H_ was released in 1970, and starred Donald
|
||
Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, and Robert
|
||
Duvall. I first saw the movie that summer at a drive-in theater with
|
||
my parents. I loved it! It was funny and poked fun at authority;
|
||
just the kind of thing to appeal to a twelve-year-old. My mother was
|
||
quite upset by the film, although she claimed to be more bothered by
|
||
the blood in the surgical scenes than by the dialogue, which included
|
||
several words I would have been slapped for saying myself.
|
||
|
||
Within a few years a hit situation comedy based on the novel and
|
||
movie was developed by Larry Gelbart. It ran for eleven years, and
|
||
made stars out of Alan Alda, Wayne Rogers, Loretta Swit, Mike
|
||
Farrell, David Ogden Stiers, Gary Burghoff, Jamie Farr, and virtually
|
||
everyone who landed a major role in the show. A top-ten rated series
|
||
for most of its original run, "M*A*S*H" is still a popular resident
|
||
of syndication, and is well known to most people.
|
||
|
||
Rather less well known is the fact that Richard Hooker, who did not
|
||
participate in the production of either the movie or the TV series,
|
||
went on to write several sequels to the original novel. I found some
|
||
of them in used book stores starting in the late 1970s.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 25 November 1994
|
||
|
||
It should be noted that these books continue the characters as
|
||
developed in the original novel, on which the movie was based, and
|
||
have nothing whatever to do with the TV series. This means that if
|
||
your only exposure to M*A*S*H has been through the sitcom, you really
|
||
need to read the original _M*A*S*H_ novel and _M*A*S*H Goes To Maine_
|
||
before starting any of the others. As a single example of the
|
||
inconsistencies, the TV Hawkeye was an only child whose father was a
|
||
physician. Hawkeye as presented in these novels is from a large
|
||
family, the brood of a Maine lobsterman.
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H Goes To Maine_, by Richard Hooker, was published in
|
||
hardcover by William Morrow in February 1972. The Pocket Book
|
||
paperback reprint came out in January 1973. This books picks up the
|
||
tale of Hawkeye Pierce shortly after his return from Korea. After
|
||
passing his general surgical boards, Hawkeye is persuaded by Trapper
|
||
John to move to the New York City area for a couple of years and
|
||
complete his residency in thoracic surgery. Hawkeye turns down an
|
||
invitation to become a part of the "Cardia Nostra," the big league of
|
||
heart surgeons to which Trapper belongs. Instead he returns to
|
||
Crabapple Cove, there to live while becoming the top surgeon in
|
||
nearby Spruce Harbor. By the end of the book Hawkeye manages to lure
|
||
the rest of the inmates of "The Swamp" to Spruce Harbor where they
|
||
continue their madcap antics. Oddly, one of the best chapters in
|
||
this screwball comedy is the serious, tear-jerking tale of Hawkeye's
|
||
attempts to save the life of Jonas "Moose" Lord, a lobsterman who had
|
||
been a friend to every kid growing up in Crabapple Cove for years
|
||
(including the young Hawkeye).
|
||
|
||
The rest of these novels were cowritten by Richard Hooker and William
|
||
E. Butterworth. They were published as paperbacks by Pocket Books.
|
||
They all have advertising language on their covers relating them to
|
||
the M*A*S*H TV series, although (as mentioned) they having nothing to
|
||
do with that show. The sitcom *was* one of the most popular shows on
|
||
the air when these novels were published, which explains everything.
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H Goes To New Orleans_ was released in January 1975. In this
|
||
story, Hawkeye is drugged by his loving wife and spirited to New
|
||
Orleans by Trapper John. The idea is to get Hawkeye well out of the
|
||
way while his fourth child is born, since he was driving everyone
|
||
nuts. While in New Orleans, our heroes try desperately to avoid
|
||
attending any convention sessions of the American Tonsil, Adenoid and
|
||
Vas Deferens Society (Francis Burns, M.D. - public affairs vice
|
||
president). By several extraordinary coincidences (read: plot
|
||
devices), a few other 4077 alumni are staying in the same hotel.
|
||
These include Hot Lips, Father (now Archbishop) John Mulcahy, and
|
||
Jean-Pierre "Horsey" de la Chevaux, a former infantry sergeant whose
|
||
leg was once saved at the 4077th MASH. Horsey, now a petroleum
|
||
millionaire, is a regular inhabitant of these novels. He's usually
|
||
accompanied by his comrades, the drunken members of the Bayou Perdu
|
||
Council, Knights of Columbus.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 26 November 1994
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H Goes To Paris_ was also released in January 1975. The
|
||
French government is giving out awards, and the recipients include
|
||
Radar O'Reilly, mid-western fast food tycoon, and Hot Lips, who is
|
||
now a religious leader. A new regular character introduced here is
|
||
Boris Korsky-Rimsakov, a world renown opera singer whose life was
|
||
once saved at a certain MASH unit in Korea (what a convenient, and
|
||
oft used, plot device).
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H Goes To London_ was released in June 1975. England may
|
||
never recover from the visit of the 4077 alumni. The aristocracy of
|
||
two continents are hammered in this book, which features the presence
|
||
of a U.S. Secretary of State with a thick German accent. I wonder
|
||
who that is supposed to be?
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H Goes To Las Vegas_ was released in January 1976. This story
|
||
revolves around the activities of the mysterious "Matthew Q.
|
||
Framingham Theosophical Foundation," of which Hawkeye Pierce is a
|
||
long time member. It features Radar's wedding at Nero's Villa.
|
||
|
||
_M*A*S*H Goes To Vienna_ was released in June 1976. The Swamp Rats
|
||
and a good portion of the new characters from _M*A*S*H Goes To
|
||
London_ descend on the home of wiener schnitzel. The heavily
|
||
accented Secretary of State makes another appearance.
|
||
|
||
These novels are not, in general, great literature. They make good
|
||
light entertainment, though. If you like parodies of politicians,
|
||
the medical profession, Hollywood, opera, and religion (which is
|
||
redundant, given the other items in the list) you should enjoy these
|
||
novels. The above list of M*A*S*H novels is not complete. These are
|
||
the ones I own so far. I'm still combing used book stores for the
|
||
records of the M*A*S*H gang's journeys to: Hollywood, Miami, Texas,
|
||
Montreal, Morocco, and San Francisco. {RAH}
|
||
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
||
Announcements and Observations
|
||
|
||
The RAH HQ BBS (The Puffin's Nest) is now running a U.S. Robotics
|
||
V.Everything modem. Speeds available are 1200 bps - 28800 bps.
|
||
Major changes are in the works for this BBS. Details will appear in
|
||
this space next month. (Call it a vaporware BBS.)
|
||
- - -
|
||
Due to technical difficulties we were unable to present the complete
|
||
biography of Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari in this issue. The entire
|
||
story should appear in the December issue.
|
||
- - -
|
||
Remember that your kind words are the only payment that RAH's
|
||
writers, editors and publisher receive. If you like something you
|
||
see in RAH, let them know. Most of their electronic addresses are
|
||
included with their articles.
|
||
- - -
|
||
The deadline for submissions for the December 1994 issue is 11/25/94.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 27 November 1994
|
||
|
||
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway
|
||
|
||
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
|
||
|
||
I'm not old, I'm chronologically gifted.
|
||
|
||
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
|
||
|
||
Try a new lease on life, and the landlord raises the rent.
|
||
|
||
Give me a tuna on rye, hold the mercury.
|
||
|
||
No...why, have YOU ever snorted laser toner?
|
||
|
||
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!
|
||
|
||
Amish bumper sticker: Caution! Do not step in exhaust.
|
||
|
||
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
|
||
|
||
Exactly what time of morning did technology pass me by?
|
||
|
||
Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.
|
||
|
||
When subtlety fails us we must resort to cream pies.
|
||
|
||
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
|
||
|
||
Watch the short jokes or I'll bite you on the ankle!
|
||
|
||
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
|
||
|
||
You are in a twisty maze of little install diskettes.
|
||
|
||
Who do you call to exorcise software?
|
||
|
||
Glob thinkally, loc actally
|
||
|
||
The time to make up your mind about people is...never.
|
||
|
||
If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.
|
||
|
||
The world of children's publishing is bunny eat bunny.
|
||
|
||
Only the insane take themselves quite seriously.
|
||
|
||
For a bug-free environment do NOT run this program!
|
||
|
||
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
|
||
|
||
Deja moo: knowing you've herd all this bull before.
|
||
|
||
Real programmers use "copy con program.exe"
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page 28 November 1994
|
||
|
||
A language is a dialect with an army and navy.
|
||
|
||
I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.
|
||
|
||
Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.
|
||
|
||
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
|
||
|
||
Freedom is doing what you like, happiness is liking what you do.
|
||
|
||
A naked man fears no pickpocket.
|
||
|
||
Life. Live it. Love it. Laugh at it.
|
||
|
||
Why experiment on animals when there are so many lawyers?
|
||
|
||
Classic - a book which people praise and don't read.
|
||
|
||
How do I set my phaser to "tickle?"
|
||
|
||
Never discuss love with a tennis player, it means nothing to them.
|
||
|
||
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
|
||
|
||
To be or not to be, that is the split infinitive.
|
||
|
||
Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...
|
||
|
||
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
|
||
|
||
The Americans have taken umbrage. Whereabouts is that?
|
||
|
||
Giant ape becomes religious leader in "King of Kongs!"
|
||
|
||
Pardon me, your horse is on fire!
|
||
|
||
I'm not bad, I just post that way.
|
||
|
||
Monday is a hard way to spend one seventh of your life.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-1 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
||
|
||
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
|
||
|
||
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
|
||
|
||
Contributors: Ray Koziel
|
||
|
||
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
||
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-28800/V.34)
|
||
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
|
||
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
||
greg.borek@rah.clark.net
|
||
|
||
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
||
Random Access Humor
|
||
c/o Dave Bealer
|
||
P.O. Box 595
|
||
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
||
|
||
>> Legal Junk <<
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
|
||
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
|
||
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
|
||
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
|
||
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
|
||
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
|
||
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
|
||
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
|
||
publisher.
|
||
|
||
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
|
||
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
|
||
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
|
||
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
|
||
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
||
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
||
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
|
||
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
|
||
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
|
||
|
||
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
||
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
||
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
||
modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public
|
||
conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies
|
||
on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be
|
||
distributed in combination with any other publication or product.
|
||
|
||
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
||
their respective owners.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-2 November 1994
|
||
|
||
>> Where to Get RAH <<
|
||
|
||
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
||
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
||
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
||
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
||
|
||
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
|
||
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
|
||
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net
|
||
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
|
||
|
||
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
|
||
|
||
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
|
||
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
|
||
|
||
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
|
||
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
|
||
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
|
||
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
|
||
|
||
>> Writing For RAH <<
|
||
|
||
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
|
||
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
|
||
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
|
||
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
||
|
||
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
|
||
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
|
||
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
|
||
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
|
||
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
|
||
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
|
||
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
|
||
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
|
||
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
|
||
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
|
||
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
|
||
received.
|
||
|
||
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
|
||
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
|
||
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
|
||
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
|
||
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
|
||
so keep it (mostly) clean.
|
||
|
||
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
|
||
1) Any material in the public domain.
|
||
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
|
||
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
|
||
copyright holder.
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-3 November 1994
|
||
|
||
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
|
||
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
|
||
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
|
||
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
|
||
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
|
||
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
|
||
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
|
||
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
|
||
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
|
||
name, date of previous publication.
|
||
|
||
RAH Distribution System:
|
||
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
|
||
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
|
||
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
|
||
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 28800 (V.Everything)
|
||
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
|
||
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
|
||
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
|
||
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
|
||
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
|
||
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
|
||
|
||
European Gateway:
|
||
|
||
Digital Frame Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
|
||
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
|
||
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
|
||
|
||
Official RAH Distributors:
|
||
|
||
-= AUSTRALIA =-
|
||
Northern Territory
|
||
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= BELGIUM =-
|
||
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= CANADA =-
|
||
Alberta
|
||
The Darkland BBS Edmonton 1:342/808 (403) 486-5835 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Ontario
|
||
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 531-0479 V.FC
|
||
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/302 (416) 299-1164 Z19
|
||
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 V.32bis
|
||
Uncle Sphincter's Westover 1:221/279 (519) 624-0134 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
-= FRANCE =-
|
||
The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-4 November 1994
|
||
|
||
-= GERMANY =-
|
||
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
|
||
|
||
-= ICELAND =-
|
||
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= ITALY =-
|
||
Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
|
||
|
||
-= NETHERLANDS =-
|
||
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
|
||
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis
|
||
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
|
||
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
|
||
Digital Frame Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= PORTUGAL =-
|
||
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890010 V.32bis
|
||
The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32
|
||
|
||
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
|
||
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= SLOVENIA =-
|
||
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-1599400 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
-= UNITED STATES =-
|
||
Alabama
|
||
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 HST/Dual
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||
|
||
Arizona
|
||
Mission Control Flagstaff (NoFido) (602) 527-1854 V.FC
|
||
|
||
California
|
||
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
|
||
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Connecticut
|
||
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Florida
|
||
Ruby's Joint Jacksonville 1:112/129 (904) 777-6799 V.FC
|
||
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Georgia
|
||
D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Hawaii
|
||
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Idaho
|
||
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2682 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-5 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Illinois
|
||
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Indiana
|
||
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 V.FC
|
||
|
||
Maryland
|
||
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
|
||
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
|
||
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 744-1102 V.Every
|
||
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
|
||
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.FC
|
||
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
|
||
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.Every
|
||
|
||
Michigan
|
||
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Mississippi
|
||
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
New Mexico
|
||
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32bis
|
||
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
New York
|
||
The Batcave Brooklyn 1:278/204 (718) 694-0433 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Oklahoma
|
||
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Oregon
|
||
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
|
||
|
||
Pennsylvania
|
||
Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
|
||
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
|
||
|
||
Tennessee
|
||
The Outback Cottage Grove 1:3664/5 (901) 782-3550 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Texas
|
||
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
|
||
C-Link Grand Prairie 1:124/7022 (214) 223-8338 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Utah
|
||
Vital Signs West Jordan 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Virginia
|
||
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
|
||
Wheels and Wings Chesapeake 1:275/9 (804) 420-2880 V.FC
|
||
|
||
Random Access Humor Page A-6 November 1994
|
||
|
||
Washington
|
||
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 326-1123 V.32bis
|
||
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
West Virginia
|
||
Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
Wisconsin
|
||
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis
|
||
|
||
=====================================================================
|
||
|
||
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
|
||
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
|
||
|
||
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
|
||
|
||
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
|
||
|
||
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
|
||
|
||
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
|
||
|