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1894 lines
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______ __ __ __ ______
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/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
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/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
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/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
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/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
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/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
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--------------------------------------------------
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The Electronic Humor Magazine
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--------------------------------------------------
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Version 1 Release 8 November 1994
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Editor: Dave Bealer
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Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
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Printed on 100% recycled electrons
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Filmed before a virtual studio audience
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Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
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VaporWare Communications
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32768 Infinite Loop
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Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX4
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USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
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WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
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The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
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earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
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this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
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will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
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Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
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TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
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About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
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Editorial - Portrait Of The Humorist As A Middle-Aged Novice.......01
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Lettuce to the Editor..............................................03
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Ten Very Forward...................................................03
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Privacy Assured....................................................16
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Biography of Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari...........................17
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The Opraldohue Show................................................18
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The 1994 Ig Nobel Prizewinners.....................................22
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RAH Humor Review: The M*A*S*H Novels...............................24
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Announcements......................................................26
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Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............27
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Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
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RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
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Random Access Humor Page 1 November 1994
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About Vaporware Communications
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VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
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Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
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VaporWare Corporate Officers:
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Luther Lecks
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President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
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Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
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V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
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Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
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V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
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Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
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Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
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V.P., Research & Development
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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NOTICE to sysops in Oklahoma and similar bastions of progressive
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thinking: This issue of RAH mentions body parts (such as hands and
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feet) that may stir the prurient interests of the Thought Police in
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your area (or any other area that can reach your area by telephone).
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You bear full responsibility for any reaction the presence of this
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material on your system may evoke from the Forces Of Goodness And
|
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Right (Reformed). Have a nice day.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Mental Nutrition Facts
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Serving Size 1 issue Servings Per Container 1
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=====================================================================
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Amount per serving
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Ideas: 23 Ideas from fatheads: 5
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=====================================================================
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% daily value
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Total fatheads: 2 15
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Saturated fatheads: 1 24
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Castor Oil: 0 0
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Silliness: 11 110
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Total Comic content: 51
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Actual jokes: 37 73
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Puns: 14 1145
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Editorial - Portrait Of The Humorist As A Middle-Aged Novice
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by Dave Bealer
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A great deal has been said and written about the value of electronic
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publication credits to the career of a budding writer. Many print
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magazine editors discount e-mag credits, it is true. It's also true
|
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that most magazine editors won't even recognize that a given magazine
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is electronic, rather than hardcopy, at least half the time. The
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moral of the story here is don't tell 'em it's an electronic magazine
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...just tell 'em you were published.
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Random Access Humor Page 2 November 1994
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The good news is that at least a few farsighted editors are scouting
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for new talent on the Internet and in electronic magazines. Back in
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August I received e-mail from Kristin King, then the humor editor for
|
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_Network News_, the official magazine of the Network Professional
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Association (NPA), an organization populated mainly by Certified
|
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Novell Engineers. She had seen my work in RAH, and wanted to buy
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reprint rights to one of my articles.
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A couple of weeks later I signed my first publication contract, for
|
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reprint rights to "Take Us To The Promised LAN" (RAH - 01/93). I
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Express Mailed my photo to the publisher's office in Utah to meet the
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deadline. Mundane stuff for professional writers, I'm sure, but
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exciting stuff for someone still getting started.
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In late October I received my contributor copy of the September issue
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of _Network News_. My article (with photo) appeared as the "Last
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Look" commentary piece for that issue. Beginning on the 54th (and
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final) page, it continued to completion on page 53. Also included in
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the package was a check covering payment for the article (at twenty
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cents a word) and reimbursement for the Express Mail charges. An
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invitation, signed by Oie Lian Yeh (the new humor editor for _Network
|
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News_), to submit additional material for consideration was the final
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item in the package.
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Although I, of all people, recognize that electronic publication is
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real publication, there is still something special about seeing your
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own words on the printed page. One of my fondest lifelong dreams is
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to one day be able to enter any mall bookstore in the country and see
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copies of a book I wrote on the shelves, if not on cardboard display
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racks just inside the door. _Network News_ is a professional trade
|
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journal (a highly respected one), so it's not available in any
|
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bookstore or newsstand. Still, I do have a check to cash.
|
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Note that I had never even heard of _Network News_ before Kristin
|
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contacted me. In any event, I wanted to tell unpublished writers
|
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that there *are* possibilities for getting your foot in the door by
|
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"giving your work away" through electronic publication. The editors
|
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of _Network News_ obviously thought there was little enough overlap
|
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between RAH, one of the most widely distributed e-mags in the world,
|
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and their print publication to warrant paying their standard reprint
|
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rates for my article. The only remaining mystery is why, although my
|
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article was edited for reprint, they decided to leave in a reference
|
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to Vaporware Corporation.
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- - - -
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CD of the Month: _A Quiet Normal Life: The Best of Warren Zevon_.
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Warren Zevon was writing humorous (and very strange) songs long
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before Weird Al Yankovic ever made the recording scene. The disc
|
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features such classics as "Werewolves of London" and "Lawyers, Guns,
|
|||
|
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and Money." The RAH issue you are now reading is an example of what
|
|||
|
|
can happen if someone leaves this disc on continuous play for an
|
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entire month. {RAH}
|
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Random Access Humor Page 3 November 1994
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Lettuce to the Editor
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Area Internet E-mail, Msg#100, Oct-10-94 04:00AM
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From: whocares@none.a.u.business
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To: editor_schmuck@vaporware.com
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WE %gotta% u ^cats^
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YOU #publish# *the* VINNIE @bio@ and U *never* -see- DEM %again%
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#a# @fren@
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- - - - - - - - - - - -
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Listen, Fren,
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Threatening my cats will not get me to abandon my journalistic
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|||
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integrity. Threatening me, maybe, but not my cats. The article
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runs as planned.
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DB
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- - - - - - - - - - - -
|
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|
|
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
|
|||
|
|
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
|
|||
|
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Internet> lettuce@rah.clark.net
|
|||
|
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FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
|
|||
|
|
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
|
|||
|
|
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
|
|||
|
|
mailing list (send e-mail to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net for instructions)
|
|||
|
|
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
|
|||
|
|
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
|
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---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
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Ten Very Forward
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by Dave Bealer
|
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|
|||
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Acting Ensign Leslie Ann Musher was moping. This was nothing new,
|
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since Leslie was a teenager. Even worse, he had a name that was
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more effeminate than he was (which was not an easy accomplishment).
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Gee. Leslie was bad enough, but Ann? What had his parents been
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thinking? They probably hadn't been thinking, as usual.
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Leslie's father didn't think much any more, being dead these many
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years. He had been killed in the line of duty, attempting to give
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his captain's cat a bath. What a hideous way to go, with your body
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covered in wet cat hair. Leslie hated cats, especially the stupid
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one named "Snot" that belonged to the second officer, Lieutenant
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Commander Object.
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Eventually Leslie tired of scrolling through the latest digitally
|
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stored issue of _Playbeing_, accessed through an account he had
|
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hacked into months before. Commander Spik'er would probably never
|
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wise up to the increased usage. The Deltan centerfold was quite
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arousing, especially with the new "rub and sniff pheromone
|
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simulation" technology. Still...Leslie put on a bathing suit and
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skulked off to the Virtual Reality Deck to run his favorite program,
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"Busty Beach Babes From Bayonne." He couldn't even remember which
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planet Bayonne was on, not that it really mattered.
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Random Access Humor Page 4 November 1994
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Thirty minutes later Leslie padded back to his quarters, dripping
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water on the deck. "I thought the Captain warned you about that,
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Les." Leslie wheeled, startled. The voice was familiar, but seemed
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to be coming from behind and above him.
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"Gordie? Is that you?" Leslie scanned the passage behind him, then
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noticed an open service panel a few meters back along the ceiling.
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Leslie's question was answered by a dark blur that dropped from the
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open panel and sprawled itself on the deck. "Uugh," noted Gordie as
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he skidded to a stop. "You were expecting, maybe, X?"
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Leslie walked over and offered his friend a hand getting up. "Don't
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even mention that bozo. I'm so sick of him showing up and comparing
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himself to 'the name brand' all-powerful aliens. Doesn't he know
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that stuff went out of style in the 1960s?"
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Gordie grinned his trademark grin. "Don't be so hard on him, Les.
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At least he always loses to the name brand." He busied himself with
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a rag, removing the water that now streaked the back of his
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synthleather jacket while Leslie rolled his eyes and sighed mightily.
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Gordie sniffed the rag. "Sea water? Hangin' with the beach babes
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again, huh, Les?"
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Leslie blushed from the tips of his toes to the roots of his hair.
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"Does everyone on this tub keep track of everything I do?" he whined
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petulantly.
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"Just the embarrassing stuff." Gordie chuckled and mussed Leslie's
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hair.
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Leslie ducked away from Gordie's hand. "That's not funny," he
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muttered bitterly.
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"Sorry Les." A concerned look crossed Gordie's face. Leslie missed
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this, since the engineer's face was concealed by the brown paper bag
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he customarily wore over his head. "'smatter, your sense of humor on
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leave?"
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"Nah. I was just thinking..."
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"About something *other* than those beach babes?"
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"Maybe." Leslie's blush deepened. Since he had no intention of
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telling anyone, even Gordie, what he has just been thinking about, he
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decided to change the subject. "So...what were you doin' up in the
|
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ceiling? Hiding from Captain Picardo again?"
|
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Gordie snorted. "No way! We got that ironed out long ago. That was
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a straight medical physical your mother was giving me."
|
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"Right! Just like the ones she gives the captain every night, and
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sometimes on Saturday afternoons."
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Random Access Humor Page 5 November 1994
|
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"Now Les, nobody is supposed to know about that."
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|
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It was Leslie's turn to snort. "Sure. Anyone who's deaf, dumb and
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blind doesn't know about it. You'd think with all this technology
|
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they could come up with bed frames that don't squeak..."
|
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"Les..."
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"Forget it!" Leslie felt suddenly embarrassed by his mother's
|
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extracurricular activities. "Alright then...what *were* you doing
|
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up in the ceiling?"
|
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|
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"Checking the tachyon dispensers. Since they are capable of solving
|
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any problem, we have to make sure they're always available."
|
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"But since we're a cruise ship now, why do we need those anyway?"
|
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|
|||
|
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"Space is a dangerous place, Les. Just because Starfleet sold the
|
|||
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_Enterprise_ to Countess Cruise Lines due to downsizing doesn't mean
|
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that bad things can't happen to the ship."
|
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|
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Leslie was letting himself get agitated now. "They took out the
|
|||
|
|
photon torpedo bays and replaced them with jacuzzis. And the phaser
|
|||
|
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banks are now a skeet shooting range!"
|
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|
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"Yeah, and they changed the ship's name from _Enterprise_ to
|
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_Ecstasy_. What's your point?"
|
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|
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Leslie sighed, and rolled his eyes like he was talking to a small
|
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child. "The point is, there are now more Virtual Reality decks on
|
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board than laboratories. The main VR deck contractor has three
|
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|
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technicians permanently assigned to the ship. What about our old
|
|||
|
|
mission of exploration and research?"
|
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|
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"Wake up and smell the tribbles, Les! Nobody cares about exploration
|
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anymore. All people care about is what makes them feel good *now*.
|
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They don't care about tomorrow. The pioneer spirit is dead."
|
|||
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|
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|
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"That's a pretty selfish attitude. What about my generation, and
|
|||
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the ones to follow?"
|
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|
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|
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"You'll figure out something, Les. You guys are pretty smart...
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not as smart as you think you are, but pretty smart. Hey, you want
|
|||
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*real* smart, check out those Nintendo technicians, they're all
|
|||
|
|
smart cookies. That blonde with the spiked hair, what's her name?"
|
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|
|||
|
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"Lisa."
|
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|
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|
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"Right, Lisa. She may know virtual reality, but I bet she could show
|
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you a thing or two about *real* reality as well."
|
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|
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"Puleease! She's gotta be at least twenty-five!"
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|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 6 November 1994
|
|||
|
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|
|||
|
|
Gordie grinned knowingly. "Older women can be fun, Les. They know
|
|||
|
|
things..."
|
|||
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|
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|
Suddenly Leslie's communicator beeped. "Ensign Musher, report to
|
|||
|
|
sick bay, on the double!"
|
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|
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|
|
Leslie winced at the all-too-familiar voice. He slapped the device
|
|||
|
|
to enable transmit. "Coming, mother." He looked up at his grinning
|
|||
|
|
friend. "Go ahead and smirk, LeStudd. I may just ask Lisa out."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"If you won't, I will. You better run along now..."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie checked to make sure no one else was in the corridor, then
|
|||
|
|
stuck his tongue out at Gordie as the engineer climbed back through
|
|||
|
|
the ceiling panel to complete his inspection. Although Leslie knew
|
|||
|
|
it was an infantile gesture, he didn't particularly care at that
|
|||
|
|
moment. It made him feel better.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I'm waiting for an explanation, Leslie." Dr. Cleverly Musher was
|
|||
|
|
wearing an impatient expression on her face. Leslie had categorized
|
|||
|
|
over 300 expressions his mother's face was capable of displaying in
|
|||
|
|
times of stress; everything from 'I am contemplating being mildly
|
|||
|
|
irritated about this situation' up to 'I am going to hurl you into a
|
|||
|
|
supernova, without a spacesuit, or even sunblock, if you don't stop
|
|||
|
|
that this instant.'
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie finally decided this expression was about a 202 on the scale,
|
|||
|
|
which was 'If you think you'll ever hear the end of this from me, you
|
|||
|
|
have another think coming.' He didn't see what the big deal was.
|
|||
|
|
Those books had long been considered literature. "I don't see what
|
|||
|
|
the big deal is, Mom. Those books were considered literature back
|
|||
|
|
when *you* were sixteen."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"That's not the point and you know it. And another thing, stop
|
|||
|
|
saying 'when *I* was sixteen' like it was during the Paleolithic
|
|||
|
|
Age."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Come on, Mom. It was just _The Story of O_ and _Exit to Eden_.
|
|||
|
|
They're both considered classics."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Classic trash! You might as well be reading William Burroughs, for
|
|||
|
|
heaven's sake."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I thought you didn't believe in heaven, Mom. And who's this William
|
|||
|
|
Burroughs?" Leslie made a mental note to look up the name in _Books
|
|||
|
|
Online_.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Don't try to change the subject, young man. We were talking about
|
|||
|
|
these 'interests' you are developing. As a physician, I know they
|
|||
|
|
are only natural."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 7 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"So why are you giving me hormone blockers, and why do have I to
|
|||
|
|
sleep in that stupid stasis-sleep box every night."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"That's for your own protection, Leslie. And stop trying to change
|
|||
|
|
the subject! I thought you had a talk with Lt. Blorf about this last
|
|||
|
|
week. Didn't the rather spartan Klingon methods of dealing with...
|
|||
|
|
shall we say, frustrations, appeal to you?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Hah! Mom, do you know about the Klingon version of a cold shower?
|
|||
|
|
It involves smashing your genitals with a spiked iron club."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Really? Blorf never would reveal how he received those injuries.
|
|||
|
|
No wonder he's always so cranky. Alright, that method is definitely
|
|||
|
|
out."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie breathed a deep sigh of relief.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Cleverly's eyes suddenly lit up. "What about Counselor d'Troit? She
|
|||
|
|
might be able to help."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie didn't believe that for a nanosecond. On the other hand, he
|
|||
|
|
never passed up a chance to spend time with the ship's counselor. Of
|
|||
|
|
course, Leslie was more interested in her other on-board job than in
|
|||
|
|
her psychoanalytical abilities. "Sure, Mom. Anything you say."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Cleverly Musher, M.D. gave her only offspring a suspicious glance.
|
|||
|
|
She wondered why he was suddenly so cooperative.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie sat in the counselor's waiting room. He studiously ignored
|
|||
|
|
the collection of paper magazines, most of which dated back to the
|
|||
|
|
20th century, lying on a low table in the center of the small room.
|
|||
|
|
His entire attention was focused on the poster on the opposite wall.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The subject of Leslie's scrutiny was a standard glossy advertising
|
|||
|
|
poster, about a meter high and nearly that wide, bearing words in
|
|||
|
|
several languages and a picture in the center. The top of the poster
|
|||
|
|
read, 'Helen d'Troit: Enough beauty to launch at least one ship.'
|
|||
|
|
Below the picture appeared the smaller legend, 'Alright, would you
|
|||
|
|
believe a shuttlecraft?' At the very bottom of the poster appeared
|
|||
|
|
the larger words, 'Appearing nightly in the Lido Lounge, U.S.S.
|
|||
|
|
Ecstasy.' Leslie already knew these words by heart. The real
|
|||
|
|
subject of the youth's attention was the full color, tri-d picture of
|
|||
|
|
the ship's counselor, clad only in pasties and a g-string.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie shifted his legs uncomfortably. He wore the most baggy pair
|
|||
|
|
of trousers that could be worn with anything other than clown shoes.
|
|||
|
|
Any other pants became most uncomfortable during his interviews with
|
|||
|
|
Counselor d'Troit. The worst part was that d'Troit didn't need to
|
|||
|
|
see the state of his trousers to know exactly what he was thinking
|
|||
|
|
every time he was near her. It was very embarrassing.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 8 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie's art appreciation was interrupted by the door to d'Troit's
|
|||
|
|
inner office swooshing open. It was not the counselor that emerged,
|
|||
|
|
however, but Lt. Tar, the ship's chief of security. The short, but
|
|||
|
|
powerful, blonde officer had her left arm in a sling. She noticed
|
|||
|
|
Leslie staring at it. "It's not that bad, Les. Just a sprain."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"How did it happen?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"'My favorite android' and I went slam dancing last night in the
|
|||
|
|
Clapton Memorial Disco. Object got a little carried away."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie smirked, "Looks more like you got carried away, on a
|
|||
|
|
stretcher!"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Tar blushed slightly, then laughed despite herself. "Okay, smart
|
|||
|
|
boy. I bet you wouldn't be able to take your hands off your lap and
|
|||
|
|
walk into d'Troit's office if you weren't wearing those clown pants."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie's grin turned into a blush. It occurred to him that he'd been
|
|||
|
|
blushing quite a lot lately. "They're not clown pants," Leslie
|
|||
|
|
mumbled, exhibiting a sudden intense interest in the pattern on
|
|||
|
|
d'Troit's waiting room floor.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Right." Tar headed for the outer office door. "Don't worry, kid.
|
|||
|
|
Helen's wearing her uniform today."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
As the outer door closed behind Lt. Tar, the inner office door opened
|
|||
|
|
again. Helen d'Troit stood in the doorway and grinned at Leslie, who
|
|||
|
|
had tremendous difficulty forcing himself not to stare at her
|
|||
|
|
cleavage. "Hello, Ensign Hormone Storm. Come on in," she suggested
|
|||
|
|
seductively. Of course, everything she did seemed seductive to
|
|||
|
|
Leslie. The furiously blushing youth followed her into the office,
|
|||
|
|
walking a little oddly despite his clown pants.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Everyone treats me like a clown...or maybe a performing dog,"
|
|||
|
|
Leslie muttered to himself as he trudged towards the turbolift an
|
|||
|
|
hour later. The door swooshed open and he entered the lift, joining
|
|||
|
|
two passengers that were already aboard. "Bridge," Leslie ordered,
|
|||
|
|
supremely glad that he followed d'Troit's advice and changed into
|
|||
|
|
regular uniform trousers before going to see the captain.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The two young men (this was a singles cruise, Leslie remembered) got
|
|||
|
|
off on deck five and immediately headed for unoccupied VR decks, the
|
|||
|
|
Nintendo logo glistening on their doors. The turbolift doors closed
|
|||
|
|
again and completed the trip to the bridge. Leslie always got a lump
|
|||
|
|
in his throat as the lift doors opened on the bridge. He simply
|
|||
|
|
couldn't shake the memory of his first visit here, when the captain
|
|||
|
|
had nearly torn his head off for daring to enter His bridge.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 9 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A great deal had changed on the bridge since that fateful day. The
|
|||
|
|
tactical control station now controlled the hundreds of virtual
|
|||
|
|
reality environments on board the ship. The science station
|
|||
|
|
controlled the swimming pools, tennis courts, and variable-gravity
|
|||
|
|
sports venues.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Monitors viewed all the action in the ship's casino. Cheating was
|
|||
|
|
rare considering the fact that Lt. Blorf, the bouncer, would not
|
|||
|
|
hesitate to throw offenders not only out of the casino, but out of
|
|||
|
|
the nearest convenient airlock into deep space. His crankiness was
|
|||
|
|
legendary among the gamblers of the quadrant.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
One thing that hadn't changed was the center seat. Well, it *was*
|
|||
|
|
covered with sheepskin now - the real deal, too. None of that
|
|||
|
|
artificial stuff for the captain of Countess Cruise Lines' flagship.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Captain Ricardo Picardo hadn't changed that much. He still exuded a
|
|||
|
|
palpable aura of command that scared the hell out of Leslie. The
|
|||
|
|
expensive rug that topped his former chrome dome looked good, even if
|
|||
|
|
it looked strange to those who knew him before he took to wearing it.
|
|||
|
|
Leslie descended to the center of the bridge, facing the man in the
|
|||
|
|
center seat.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Picardo looked up from the dog-eared Harold Robbins paperback he was
|
|||
|
|
reading. "Ensign? What is it?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"A flag flown by ancient maritime vessels, sir. But that's not
|
|||
|
|
important right now. May I speak to you in private?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Picardo sighed, but rose. "Of course, I always have a few moments
|
|||
|
|
for a member of the crew...even one with pimples."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie gulped for air like a landed fish. He soon recovered and
|
|||
|
|
followed Picardo into his ready-or-not room. Picardo walked over to
|
|||
|
|
the nutrient replicator. "Sangria, tepid." The mechanism hummed.
|
|||
|
|
Picardo took the resulting pitcher and sprawled on the lounge chair
|
|||
|
|
behind his falsewood desk. He filled a crystal glass, from which he
|
|||
|
|
immediately took a big chug. "Sit down, ensign. What can I do for
|
|||
|
|
you?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I just saw Counselor d'Troit."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"In the Lido Lounge? I thought you knew better than to go in there
|
|||
|
|
again until you're at least eighteen?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"No, sir. I saw..."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"You don't know better?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie noticed a dangerous color building in the captain's face.
|
|||
|
|
"No, sir. I mean, yes, sir. I do know better than to go into the
|
|||
|
|
Lido Lounge again. I saw Counselor d'Troit in her office."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Picardo relaxed. "Well, that's different. Go on."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 10 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Counselor d'Troit gave me this." Leslie handed the captain a neatly
|
|||
|
|
folded piece of paper.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Picardo folded open the paper and read the note. His eyebrows did a
|
|||
|
|
quick vulcan science officer impression. "I take it your mother
|
|||
|
|
doesn't know about this?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"No, sir. Counselor d'Troit thought it would be best for her not to
|
|||
|
|
know."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Really?" Picardo's brow knitted in thought as he took another chug
|
|||
|
|
of sangria. "I suppose there's something to that. Mothers do tend
|
|||
|
|
to be unreasonable about these things where their sons are concerned.
|
|||
|
|
Fathers, on the other hand, tend to overreact when it comes to their
|
|||
|
|
daughters."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie thought that mothers, or at least *his* mother, tended to be
|
|||
|
|
unreasonable about most everything. He decided to keep that opinion
|
|||
|
|
to himself, especially considering how close the captain was to his
|
|||
|
|
mother...almost every night. "Yes, sir."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"The question is, do *you* think you're ready for this, Leslie?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie was momentarily stunned, since the captain had never referred
|
|||
|
|
to him by his first name before. As to the question, Leslie had been
|
|||
|
|
ready for this for years. "Yes, sir!"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Very well, ensign, you have your waiver." Picardo returned
|
|||
|
|
immediately to formal mode. He signed the note and returned it the
|
|||
|
|
eager hands of the acting ensign. "Enjoy."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Thank you, sir!" Leslie grabbed the note and had to force himself to
|
|||
|
|
not run from the room.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie straightened his best uniform tunic for the thousandth time.
|
|||
|
|
He was so on edge that his nerve endings were practically outside his
|
|||
|
|
body. Destiny was just around the corner. He steeled himself again
|
|||
|
|
and marched around the corner, directly into the tank-like chest of
|
|||
|
|
Commander Spik'er, the ship's executive officer.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Whoa, Les! What's the rush?" Spik'er bent to help Leslie, who had
|
|||
|
|
bounced off his chest and was sprawled on the floor.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"No rush, I just wasn't paying attention. Sorry, sir." He brushed
|
|||
|
|
himself off and desperately tried to look nonchalant.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er shrugged off the apology. "No big deal, pal." He cocked his
|
|||
|
|
head to one side. "Gee, you're sure spiffed up. Got a date
|
|||
|
|
tonight?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie unsuccessfully tried to fight off the blush, "No sir, not
|
|||
|
|
exactly."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 11 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Not exactly, eh? Well...," Spik'er started to leave. Suddenly he
|
|||
|
|
stopped and eyed Leslie suspiciously. "Wait a minute. You're not
|
|||
|
|
planning to try getting in there again, are you?" He gestured
|
|||
|
|
vaguely towards a mahogany covered doorway at the end of the hall.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Well..."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Come off it, Les. You know that Guyaxy's people will never let you
|
|||
|
|
in. If you tick her off too badly, she won't let you in even when
|
|||
|
|
you *are* old enough."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie drew himself up to his full height, which came roughly to
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er's sternum. He offered the note to the Exec. "This says I'm
|
|||
|
|
old enough now, sir."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er took the paper, glared briefly at Leslie, then unfolded and
|
|||
|
|
read the note. He grunted. "Signed by d'Troit and Picardo, eh? Is
|
|||
|
|
this on the level?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Yes, sir." Leslie was becoming concerned that so many people were
|
|||
|
|
finding out about this.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"You poor kid. But do you think Guyaxy will buy this?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie stood with his hands clasped behind his back, poking at
|
|||
|
|
nothing in particular with the toe of his right shoe. He shrugged.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Alright, come with me," said Spik'er, swaggering down the corridor
|
|||
|
|
towards the ornate door. He still had Leslie's note in his hand.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie launched into his landed fish impression again as he hurried
|
|||
|
|
after Spik'er. "But sir," he gasped breathlessly, "I can handle this
|
|||
|
|
myself!"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er grinned wickedly, "I thought the whole point of this exercise
|
|||
|
|
was to not have to do that anymore?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Siirrr!" Leslie spluttered.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Don't worry, I'll get you in." Spik'er stopped in front of the
|
|||
|
|
mahogany door. The genuine wooden covering clashed with the alloy
|
|||
|
|
walls surrounding the portal. The number "10" was carved into the
|
|||
|
|
upper center of the wood, the numbers embossed in gold. A brass door
|
|||
|
|
knocker waited a half meter below the numbers.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Sir! I don't need..." Leslie's protest was interrupted by Spik'er
|
|||
|
|
firmly applying the brass knocker to the mahogany door. The youth
|
|||
|
|
began trying to compose himself and furiously straighten all his
|
|||
|
|
clothing.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
For a few moments nothing happened. The nervous youth stood next to
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er, who appeared the be swaggering even while standing still.
|
|||
|
|
Leslie often wondered how he managed to do that.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 12 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A loud click emanated from the door, which swung in to the left.
|
|||
|
|
This was obviously an old-style, hinged door. A male vulcan opened
|
|||
|
|
the door wide, waving the two humans inside. Leslie was astounded by
|
|||
|
|
the odd furnishings of the room they now entered. He searched his
|
|||
|
|
memory for a name to attach to the obviously ancient style of
|
|||
|
|
interior decor.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie's musings were interrupted by two simultaneous events: he
|
|||
|
|
caught sight of a pair of borg seated on a frilly couch at the far
|
|||
|
|
end of the room; and the nattily dressed doorbeing, having closed the
|
|||
|
|
antique door, turned and addressed the newcomers. "Good evening,
|
|||
|
|
gentlemen," the vulcan politely intoned, "Welcome to Ten Very
|
|||
|
|
Forward, the best little whore house in..."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Wait!" a dignified, authoritarian voice called from across the room.
|
|||
|
|
The two humans turned to face the source of the interruption, an
|
|||
|
|
older vulcan in a tuxedo who strode purposefully towards them.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er grinned at the approaching vulcan. "Saran, good to see you
|
|||
|
|
again..."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Can the small talk, Spik'er! You still owe us four month's pay. I
|
|||
|
|
told you not to show your face here again until your account was
|
|||
|
|
current. And as a vulcan, I was not amused by your attempt to get in
|
|||
|
|
here last week wearing a mask!"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Come on, Saran. A man has needs. Besides, are you sure all those
|
|||
|
|
charges are really mine? Someone has been running up my _Playbeing_
|
|||
|
|
account something awful." Spik'er was quite vexed. Leslie's stomach
|
|||
|
|
was doing somersaults, but he kept a neutral expression on his face.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Your 'needs' could short out all the VR decks on this ship, not to
|
|||
|
|
mention our entire staff. Our accounting is most meticulous, as you
|
|||
|
|
well know. Your other problems are strictly your own. I have no
|
|||
|
|
time for this. Get out." The vulcan's tone was very matter-of-fact.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Hold on, Saran. As it turns out, I'm not here for me. My friend
|
|||
|
|
here is the customer tonight." Spik'er gestured towards Leslie.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Saran eyed Leslie narrowly. "You look a little young. Let's see
|
|||
|
|
some ID." Leslie sighed and reached for his ID card. He was glad
|
|||
|
|
that he didn't look in real life like any of the disguises he had
|
|||
|
|
used in previous attempts to gain entrance to this place.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Hold it, Saran," interrupted Spik'er. He offered the folded paper
|
|||
|
|
to the vulcan. "Take a look at this first."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The vulcan took the paper carefully out of the Spik'er's hand, almost
|
|||
|
|
as if was expecting the human to be wearing a hand buzzer. He
|
|||
|
|
quickly read the contents, and his left eyebrow arched in the manner
|
|||
|
|
of his race when showing surprise. "Is this some kind of trick?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"No tricks, Saran," Spik'er assured him. "I'll vouch for both those
|
|||
|
|
signatures. They're genuine."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 13 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Very well, I'll take this to Madame. The decision is hers. Have a
|
|||
|
|
seat, gentlemen." Saran turned and exited the room through an ornate
|
|||
|
|
wooden framed passageway.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie and Spik'er sat on a pair of overstuffed chairs in the waiting
|
|||
|
|
room. After a half minute Leslie broke the silence, "that guy is a
|
|||
|
|
little cold."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er chuckled. "Don't mind Saran, he just gets wrapped up in his
|
|||
|
|
work."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie slumped back in his chair. Suddenly two questions occurred to
|
|||
|
|
him. One seemed more urgent, since the subjects were still sitting
|
|||
|
|
patiently across the room. "Sir, what are borg doing here?" he
|
|||
|
|
whispered.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er leaned towards Leslie, covering his mouth and whispering,
|
|||
|
|
"they're flocking here these days. Guyaxy has the only HP ProbeJet
|
|||
|
|
in the quadrant."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"HP ProbeJet?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Yes." Spik'er slipped into his best holovid announcer's voice, "The
|
|||
|
|
latest in automata pleasure devices."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I see. And why are all the employees here vulcans? I wouldn't have
|
|||
|
|
expected them to be working in a place like this."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"People need jobs, Les. After the Cardasians started worshipping
|
|||
|
|
Elvis and the Borg went condo, all the interstellar governments
|
|||
|
|
started to downsize their defense fleets. You remember how 'The Big
|
|||
|
|
E' became a cruise ship? Well, the vulcans, despite their peace
|
|||
|
|
loving reputation, turned out to be about the biggest defense
|
|||
|
|
contractors in the galaxy. A lot of them are out of work now, so
|
|||
|
|
they pop up in the strangest places."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Okay," Leslie's brow furrowed. "But why is Guyaxy hiring them? I
|
|||
|
|
wouldn't think they'd be that well suited to the work here."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er chuckled again. "Guyaxy may be dignified and all that, but
|
|||
|
|
she's cheap too. She only has to give the vulcans freebies once
|
|||
|
|
every seven years."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Oh, yeah. I hadn't thought of that."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Guyaxy did. She never misses a trick." At that both humans
|
|||
|
|
erupted into such gales of laughter that even the borg took notice
|
|||
|
|
for a few picoseconds.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Eventually Leslie was forced to stop laughing or wet himself. He
|
|||
|
|
luckily had the presence of mind to stop laughing. As he wiped the
|
|||
|
|
tears from his eyes, he was glad for the release of tension. He soon
|
|||
|
|
noticed that while he and the Commander had been immersed in mirth,
|
|||
|
|
Saran had reentered the room, accompanied by two very large vulcans.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 14 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"If you're quite through amusing yourselves," the tuxedo clad vulcan
|
|||
|
|
began seriously, "we can on with this." The two spent humans rose
|
|||
|
|
from their chairs. "Ensign, you will accompany me. Madame Guyaxy
|
|||
|
|
wishes to speak with you. Commander, you will leave. Now."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie watched, speechless, as the two vulcans with Saran grabbed
|
|||
|
|
Spik'er and bodily threw him, kicking and cursing, out the front
|
|||
|
|
door. The doorbeing, who had opened that portal in anticipation of
|
|||
|
|
this operation, closed it again, cutting off Spik'er's expression of
|
|||
|
|
outrage.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"So, ensign, exactly how long has this been going on?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Ma'am?" Leslie was having tremendous trouble looking Guyaxy in the
|
|||
|
|
face. Not that it was an ugly face, or anything. It was her eyes.
|
|||
|
|
They seemed to see right through his skin into his soul. If you
|
|||
|
|
looked directly into them, they seemed to be bottomless wells. All
|
|||
|
|
the knowledge in the universe, especially erotic knowledge, seemed to
|
|||
|
|
be contained (just barely) in those wells.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"How long has your mother been making you sleep in that stasis box?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Since I was twelve." Guyaxy's office fascinated Leslie. It was
|
|||
|
|
furnished in the same ornate style as the waiting room, with real
|
|||
|
|
wooden furniture that must have cost a bundle.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I see. And that was how many years ago?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Six years. But since I don't age during the eights hours each night
|
|||
|
|
I spend in stasis-sleep, my body has only aged four years."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"So your mental age is eighteen, but your physical age is sixteen?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Yes, ma'am." Leslie finally remembered the term applied to Ten Very
|
|||
|
|
Forward's style of interior decor. It was called Victorian.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I understand that the mothers of many races become upset at how
|
|||
|
|
quickly their children grow up. This is the first case I've seen in
|
|||
|
|
all my long years where a mother has actually taken steps to slow the
|
|||
|
|
process. How did she get away with it?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie was amused by the question. "Easy, she's the chief surgeon on
|
|||
|
|
a starship. Plus, she invented the stasis-sleep technology. She
|
|||
|
|
claimed to be 'testing' it on me all this time."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"An interesting situation." Guyaxy appeared lost in thought, an even
|
|||
|
|
further away look in her eyes, her gloved hands pressed together in
|
|||
|
|
an attitude some beings reserved for prayer.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 15 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie couldn't help thinking of the rumors that circulated
|
|||
|
|
throughout the ship about this mysterious alien. Some said Guyaxy
|
|||
|
|
wore clothing that covered everything except her face because she had
|
|||
|
|
a lizard's body. That didn't make sense to Leslie. He didn't know
|
|||
|
|
what she really was, but it occurred to him, sitting there in her
|
|||
|
|
presence, that there really *were* things that people were better off
|
|||
|
|
not knowing.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Guyaxy's hands separated. She seemed to have come to a decision.
|
|||
|
|
"Very well. I would like to speak with your mother about her new
|
|||
|
|
technology at her earliest convenience. Meanwhile, since mental
|
|||
|
|
capacity is the most important aspect of consent, you are accepted as
|
|||
|
|
a customer of Ten Very Forward."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie was as bewildered as he ever hoped to be. Seated in an ornate
|
|||
|
|
Victorian drawing room nestled deep in Ten Very Forward, he mused
|
|||
|
|
over the events of the past few minutes.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Whisked from Madame Guyaxy's office by Saran, Leslie underwent a
|
|||
|
|
quick, but thorough, medical scan. "Just to make sure you're
|
|||
|
|
healthy," Saran assured him. "We can't afford any accidents here."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Next came the questions. Gender? Species? Not even race...species?
|
|||
|
|
Leslie fancied himself as having a wild imagination. There were even
|
|||
|
|
moments when he felt himself to be...perverted. Leslie was surprised
|
|||
|
|
by these feelings, even though he was smart enough to recognize them
|
|||
|
|
as mere alternatives, not as the perversions they were once thought
|
|||
|
|
to be. Still, the options being offered here boggled Leslie's mind.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
At least the initial selections were made from holovid recordings.
|
|||
|
|
Saran wanted him to select two or three for the actual interview, but
|
|||
|
|
when he saw her holovid, the choice was clear. Now Leslie sat
|
|||
|
|
waiting for her, his nerves so brittle he felt like a china doll...
|
|||
|
|
like the slightest touch could cause him to shatter into a hundred
|
|||
|
|
pieces.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A door opened. Leslie sprang out of his chair like a jack-in-the-
|
|||
|
|
box. He silently cursed himself for being a childish idiot. Then he
|
|||
|
|
saw her.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
She wore a blue dress that went dreamily with both her spiked blonde
|
|||
|
|
hair and her squash-colored skin. She closed the door and seemed to
|
|||
|
|
glide across the room. "Hi there. I remember seeing you around the
|
|||
|
|
ship." Her voice was curiously high pitched.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Leslie's mouth was suddenly bone dry. He tried to swallow. "Hi," he
|
|||
|
|
nearly croaked, "it's good to meet you finally." What a stupid thing
|
|||
|
|
to say! "I thought you worked for Nintendo?" Even better! Way to
|
|||
|
|
go, genius!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Lisa smiled engagingly. "I do work for 'the big N.' I just
|
|||
|
|
moonlight here."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 16 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"I see. I'm Leslie Musher, by the way."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Lisa Simpson." She reached out and took Leslie's hand. He stared
|
|||
|
|
at her hand, surprised at the sensation. "You ever meet a toon
|
|||
|
|
before, Leslie?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"N..no," Leslie stammered. "Are you really real?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
"Real enough for you, big boy!" Lisa embraced Leslie and kissed him.
|
|||
|
|
Leslie saw stars. He couldn't tell if they were toon stars or real
|
|||
|
|
ones. He decided it didn't matter.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
- - - -
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Late in the ship's night Leslie limped out of Ten Very Forward. He
|
|||
|
|
headed back to his quarters, exhausted but content. He softly sang
|
|||
|
|
an old Earth song, "Poor, Poor, Pitiful Me." {RAH}
|
|||
|
|
--------------
|
|||
|
|
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
|
|||
|
|
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
|
|||
|
|
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
|
|||
|
|
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
|
|||
|
|
hangs out on the alt.ensign.wesley.die.die.die newsgroup. FidoNet>
|
|||
|
|
1:261/1129 Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
|||
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
Privacy Assured
|
|||
|
|
by Greg Borek
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Hello, Boris!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Well, hello Comrade Captain Ivan! Come! Make yourself at home in
|
|||
|
|
the decadently appointed confines of Listening Post 23 and warm
|
|||
|
|
yourself.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Boris, you old fool. How are you? Drinking already this morning?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Tch, tch, Ivan, you know I have a strict rule only to drink on days
|
|||
|
|
that end in the letter "y". And why the question? You yourself have
|
|||
|
|
been known to warm yourself on cold mornings with some vodka...and
|
|||
|
|
here is some vodka with which we might test that very theory.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Aren't you afraid of getting in trouble, my old friend?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
No, for two reasons: 1) I am a government worker and impervious to
|
|||
|
|
the rigors of productivity and responsibility - I am confident I
|
|||
|
|
cannot be fired or demoted; and 2) you write my reviews.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
<Drinks> Yes, that's right. Well, what's going on here? Have you
|
|||
|
|
had your ear to the wires this morning?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 17 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Of course. <Drinks> You know, ever since the government made
|
|||
|
|
everyone use those Clipper chips to send encoded information, traffic
|
|||
|
|
through here has dwindled to almost nothing. What a brou-ha-ha that
|
|||
|
|
was! There were so many people concerned about the privacy of their
|
|||
|
|
electronic data. We had a job just to keep up with the new
|
|||
|
|
algorithms. Now that they KNOW that we are listening, they stopped
|
|||
|
|
sending data electronically. Back to surface mail. <Drinks>
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
But surely they know we read that as well. <Drinks> What a pain!
|
|||
|
|
Snooping on electronic data is so much easier: no packages to open
|
|||
|
|
and re-seal, no fingerprints to leave, no turnaround time. Let me
|
|||
|
|
tell you, the boys in Surface Mail are really swamped these days.
|
|||
|
|
There are rumors that they aren't reading everything and that they
|
|||
|
|
are just passing some things through unread. <Drinks> So, you have
|
|||
|
|
nothing to listen to now?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
There is one company, the XYZ Corp, that still sends data that I can
|
|||
|
|
intercept and read. <Drinks> It's funny but they were one of the
|
|||
|
|
companies that complained the loudest about the loss of their privacy
|
|||
|
|
and they still send data. And why do they bother? All they talk
|
|||
|
|
about is their stupid Christmas party. How do they keep in business?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Christmas party?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Yeah, all they ever talk about is who is selling the most tickets to
|
|||
|
|
the party! Ridiculous stuff. I read messages from one division head
|
|||
|
|
complaining that the Christmas party tickets were selling better on
|
|||
|
|
the East Coast as compared to the West Coast. And get this! They
|
|||
|
|
are charging different prices for the Christmas party tickets based
|
|||
|
|
on the part of the country! They plan to "market" the tickets more
|
|||
|
|
heavily in the Midwest than anywhere else! Utter nonsense.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Unbelievable. <Drinks> Anyway, I heard you were buying a dacha
|
|||
|
|
inside the District?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
That's right. You are really only involved in the government living
|
|||
|
|
inside the Beltway. {RAH}
|
|||
|
|
-------------
|
|||
|
|
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
|
|||
|
|
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you), and his dacha is
|
|||
|
|
located inside the D.C. Beltway. His best friend, his client, and
|
|||
|
|
his significant other are all government employees. Greg has a
|
|||
|
|
poorly developed sense of danger. Netmail to: Greg Borek at
|
|||
|
|
1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
|
|||
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
Biography of Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari
|
|||
|
|
by Muffy Mandel
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Curiosity is a powerful thing. It can kill cats, and get humans
|
|||
|
|
into lots of trouble too. Not all humans are equally curious, or
|
|||
|
|
even curious about the same things. The subject of this month's
|
|||
|
|
installment in the Vaporware biography series, Vinnie "The Knife"
|
|||
|
|
Calamari, is curious about things wh$#@%&*(%$# NO CAT CARRIER
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 18 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The Opraldohue Show
|
|||
|
|
by Ray Koziel
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Greetings and welcome to another fascinating show! I am
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue, as I'm sure you all know, and boy, let me
|
|||
|
|
tell you, do we have a fascinating show today! I'm all
|
|||
|
|
a-tingle!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
We have an exciting lineup of guests who have come from
|
|||
|
|
all over time and space. And what makes them even more
|
|||
|
|
interesting is that our guests are not even human! Well
|
|||
|
|
let's not waste any more time and meet our first guest.
|
|||
|
|
It gives me great pleasure to introduce, straight from
|
|||
|
|
The Heart of Gold, Marvin the Paranoid Android!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[A round of applause fills the studio]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin, it's great to have you here. How are you today?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: Dreadful...absolutely dreadful.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Super! Well let's go then to our next guest who comes
|
|||
|
|
straight from the Enterprise - Lt. Commander Data!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[Another outburst of applause fills the studio]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data! It is such a pleasure to have you with us!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data: And I find it interesting to be on one of these "talk shows"
|
|||
|
|
that humans find so intriguing and fascinating.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Right. Our next guest - or guests - have seen the
|
|||
|
|
brutal face of war and rebellion. Please welcome, from
|
|||
|
|
the New Republic, C3PO and R2D2!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[The crowd goes berserk as the two of them appear on the stage]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: Hello, I am C3PO, human-cyborg relations. I am fluent
|
|||
|
|
in...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
R2: *BEEP-BOOP-DO-SQUAWK!*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: What do you mean they could care less about that right
|
|||
|
|
now?! I was going to introduce you eventually you
|
|||
|
|
little...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: How cute! Our next guest comes from future Detroit and
|
|||
|
|
has vowed to serve and protect. Please give a round of
|
|||
|
|
applause for none other than Robocop!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[Again, applause washes over the studio]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Robocop: Hello Opraldohue! It is my pleasure to be here!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 19 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: I'm sure. Our final guest also comes from the future,
|
|||
|
|
but a much grimmer, uglier future. Here is the
|
|||
|
|
Terminator!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[Instead of applause, the audience gasps and screams as the Terminator
|
|||
|
|
appears on stage]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Now don't worry everyone! Everything is ok. Our
|
|||
|
|
programming experts have overridden the Terminator's
|
|||
|
|
prime function of exterminating mankind.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: Oh my!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data: Fascinating!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: Is this show going to last much longer? I'm getting
|
|||
|
|
incredibly bored. Here I am, with a brain the size of a
|
|||
|
|
planet, and all they ask me to do is appear on a talk show.
|
|||
|
|
How annoying.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Ok, let's cut to the chase. Your kind has been referred
|
|||
|
|
to by many names - droids, androids, robots, cyborgs.
|
|||
|
|
In this age of political correctness, what is the
|
|||
|
|
correct terminology?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data: I'd like to answer that if I may. The term 'android' is used
|
|||
|
|
to refer to any robot that has been created to look like and
|
|||
|
|
even think like a human. On the other hand, a 'cyborg' is in
|
|||
|
|
actuality a human that has been altered with artificial organs
|
|||
|
|
and other body parts. So, depending on the situation, both
|
|||
|
|
terms are applicable.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: I see! So Robocop, you are in essence a cyborg as
|
|||
|
|
opposed to an android like the rest of the guests.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Robocop: That is correct, Opraldohue! I was one of the best
|
|||
|
|
officers on the Detroit police force. Now, thanks to the
|
|||
|
|
cybernetics I've been fitted with, I'm even better!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Terminator: I beg to differ! I can be considered a cyborg too!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[The Terminator grabs the flesh on his forehead and starts ripping it
|
|||
|
|
right off his face, exposing the characteristic metal "skull" of the
|
|||
|
|
Terminator robot! The audience goes wild!]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data: How fascinating! Artificial flesh...I wonder how similar to my
|
|||
|
|
own?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: Oh my!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: Can we get on with this?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 20 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Ok, let's carry on with the next question. One of the
|
|||
|
|
main differences that have set you apart from humans is
|
|||
|
|
the lack of emotions and personality. Does this bother
|
|||
|
|
you or have...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: Personality? You want to know about personality? Why, I'm
|
|||
|
|
a personality prototype of the Sirius Cybernetics Corp. I
|
|||
|
|
was the first of their line of automated and robotic devices
|
|||
|
|
endowed with human characteristics. I have a brain the size
|
|||
|
|
of a planet, I'll have you know! And what do they make me
|
|||
|
|
do? 'Hey Marvin, get me another Pan-Galactic Gargle
|
|||
|
|
Blaster.' 'Hey Marvin, go get me a sandwich.' ' Hey,
|
|||
|
|
Marvin...'
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data: Not having a personality or any emotion per se, I find that
|
|||
|
|
just makes it more intriguing to interact with humans and to
|
|||
|
|
learn more about them.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
R2: *BRIT BOOT DOOT DEE BOO DOOT*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: I beg your pardon, you hyperactive bucket of bolts! I am
|
|||
|
|
not over-emotional. It is beyond my programming...you
|
|||
|
|
little twit!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
R2: *BIP DOO BWARP!!*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: Same to you!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: ... And then there is that imbecilic Eddie the Shipboard
|
|||
|
|
Computer! Oh how I dread having to deal with him! "Hello,
|
|||
|
|
I am Eddie the Shipboard Computer! I'm happy to be at your
|
|||
|
|
service today! What may I calculate for you?" Please...
|
|||
|
|
it would be enough to make me puke, if it was functionally
|
|||
|
|
possible for me to do so. And then there is...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[Unknown to everyone in the studio, a hidden default program in the
|
|||
|
|
Terminator became active shortly after it was reprogrammed. It's
|
|||
|
|
task, to undo any reprogramming that was done to prevent it from
|
|||
|
|
performing it's intended mission - to terminate!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The Terminator suddenly leaps to its feet wielding a weapon that it
|
|||
|
|
must have retrieved from a secret compartment somewhere. The crowd
|
|||
|
|
goes into hysterics.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Terminator: Stop! You are to be terminated!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[The Terminator starts filling the studio with laser fire...]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: Oh dear! We're doomed...we're doomed!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: ...and those stupid doors that thank you for using them.
|
|||
|
|
How infinitely annoying! You can't walk through one with
|
|||
|
|
hearing a "Thank you!" or "Have a nice day!"...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 21 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Robocop: You will do no terminating today, Terminator! Drop your
|
|||
|
|
weapon!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[The Terminator fires a shot at Robocop, slamming him backwards into
|
|||
|
|
Data, who falls off the stage.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Data: This is most intriguing. Data to Enterprise - I believe we
|
|||
|
|
have a situation here which may call for some assis...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
[Another laser blast blows clean through Data's chest and he slumps
|
|||
|
|
to the ground. In the meantime, Threepio is running around in
|
|||
|
|
circles through the studio, until a stray laser blast takes out one
|
|||
|
|
of his legs.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: "Get some of the most famous robots on your show," they
|
|||
|
|
said. "Oh don't worry about the Terminator, we'll get
|
|||
|
|
him reprogrammed," they said. "But they program shows,"
|
|||
|
|
I said. "Oh, what difference can there be?" they said.
|
|||
|
|
Ha!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Marvin: ...not to mention that infernal Hitchhiker's Guide to the
|
|||
|
|
Galaxy! Why would anyone want to know anymore about the
|
|||
|
|
galaxy than they had to! It's all so boring! And...
|
|||
|
|
*SQUARK!!!*
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Threepio: Oh Artoo, where are you? Why is it always me that is shot
|
|||
|
|
apart?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Terminator: I'm terribly sorry about the mess. I've been trying to
|
|||
|
|
take him out all this time. His droning on and on about
|
|||
|
|
things was driving me crazy!! Somebody had to shut him
|
|||
|
|
up!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Robocop: How true! I wanted to do something along those lines
|
|||
|
|
myself - he was getting on my nerves, or what I have left
|
|||
|
|
of them. Unfortunately my prime directives do not allow me
|
|||
|
|
to do that. But what about the other two?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Terminator: Oh, they'll be fine! Just a little repair and body work
|
|||
|
|
and they'll be good as new!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue: Well, that's all the time we have for now! I thank all
|
|||
|
|
of you for joining us for another exciting show! Join
|
|||
|
|
us next time when we will have extraterrestrial
|
|||
|
|
politicians, and the earth women who love them! I'm
|
|||
|
|
Opraldohue saying, "Toodles!" {RAH}
|
|||
|
|
--------------
|
|||
|
|
Ray Koziel lives in Atlanta, Georgia with his wife and one and a half
|
|||
|
|
children. When asked about his thoughts on the information super-
|
|||
|
|
highway, Ray replied that it was a "pretty nifty idea" but wondered
|
|||
|
|
"how we could drive a car small enough to fit through a telephone
|
|||
|
|
line." Ray can be reached via Compu$erve at 73753,3044 or via the
|
|||
|
|
Internet at 73753.3044@compuserve.com, which is most convenient.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 22 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The 1994 Ig Nobel Prizewinners
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
On October 6, the winners of this year's Ig Nobel Prizes were
|
|||
|
|
honored, in a fashion, by three Nobel Laureates, 1200 hecklers,
|
|||
|
|
the Norwegian Consul, and a rat control scientist at a tumultuous
|
|||
|
|
ceremony at MIT. The Prizes honor individuals whose achievements
|
|||
|
|
"cannot or should not be reproduced." Five additional Nobel
|
|||
|
|
Laureates (Sidney Altman, David Baltimore, Nicolas Bloembergen,
|
|||
|
|
Jerome Friedman, and Philip Sharp) participated in the Ceremony
|
|||
|
|
with congratulatory tapes and slides.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
This was the fourth annual ceremony. Past winners include Los
|
|||
|
|
Angeles Police Chief Daryl Gates, who won the 1992 Ig Nobel Peace
|
|||
|
|
Prize for "his uniquely compelling methods of bringing people
|
|||
|
|
together."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The festivities included speeches by three of the new winners --
|
|||
|
|
Dr. Brian Sweeney (Biology), Dr. Robert Lopez (Entomology) and,
|
|||
|
|
via tape recording, Dr. Richard Dart (Medicine). Sweeney and Lopez
|
|||
|
|
had their Prizes -- cheap gold-painted wax half-brains --
|
|||
|
|
personally handed to them by the Nobel Laureates.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The Nobel Laureates -- Richard Roberts ( Physiology or Medicine,
|
|||
|
|
1993), Dudley Herschbach (Chemistry, 1986), and William Lipscomb
|
|||
|
|
(Chemistry, 1976) also each presented a 30-second "Heisenberg
|
|||
|
|
Certainty Lecture." Heisenberg Lectures were also presented by:
|
|||
|
|
Harvard Chemist Cynthia Friend; the father of artificial
|
|||
|
|
intelligence, MIT's Marvin Minsky; astonomer Margaret Geller of
|
|||
|
|
Harvard; and neurophysiology pioneer Jerome Lettvin of MIT. Those
|
|||
|
|
Heisenberg Certainty lecturers who exceeded the time limit were
|
|||
|
|
thrown from the stage by a referee.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The Nobel Laureates also joined with a five-woman dance group to
|
|||
|
|
perform a brief ballet number, "The Interpretive Dance of the
|
|||
|
|
Electrons," with music from Tchaikovsky's "Nutcracker Suite."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Following is a list of the new Ig Nobellians:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
==============================
|
|||
|
|
The 1994 Ig Nobel Prizewinners
|
|||
|
|
==============================
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
BIOLOGY W. Brian Sweeney, Brian Krafte-Jacobs, Jeffrey W. Britton,
|
|||
|
|
and Wayne Hansen, for their breakthrough study, "The Constipated
|
|||
|
|
Serviceman: Prevalence Among Deployed US Troops," and especially
|
|||
|
|
for their numerical analysis of bowel movement frequency. [The
|
|||
|
|
study was published in "Military Medicine," vol. 158, August,
|
|||
|
|
1993, pages 346-348.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
PEACE John Hagelin of Maharishi University and The Institute of
|
|||
|
|
Science, Technology and Public Policy, promulgator of peaceful
|
|||
|
|
thoughts, for his experimental conclusion that 4,000 trained
|
|||
|
|
meditators caused an 18 percent decrease in violent crime in
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 23 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Washington, D.C. [Details were published in "Interim Report:
|
|||
|
|
Results fo the National Demonstration Project To Reduce Violent
|
|||
|
|
Crime and Improve Governmental Effectiveness In Washington, D.C.,
|
|||
|
|
June 7 to July 30, 1993," Institute of Science, Technology and
|
|||
|
|
Public Policy, Fairfield, Iowa.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
MEDICINE This prize is awarded in two parts. First, to Patient X,
|
|||
|
|
formerly of the US Marine Corps, valiant victim of a venomous bite
|
|||
|
|
from his pet rattlesnake, for his determined use of electroshock
|
|||
|
|
therapy -- at his own insistence, automobile sparkplug wires were
|
|||
|
|
attached to his lip, and the car engine revved to 3000 rpm for
|
|||
|
|
five minutes. Second, to Dr. Richard C. Dart of the Rocky Mountain
|
|||
|
|
Poison Center and Dr. Richard A. Gustafson of The University of
|
|||
|
|
Arizona Health Sciences Center, for their well-grounded medical
|
|||
|
|
report: "Failure of Electric Shock Treatment for Rattlesnake
|
|||
|
|
Envenomation." [The report was published in "Annals of Emergency
|
|||
|
|
Medicine," vol. 20, no. 6, June 1991, pp. 659-661.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
ENTOMOLOGY Robert A. Lopez of Westport, NY, valiant veterinarian
|
|||
|
|
and friend of all creatures great and small, for his series of
|
|||
|
|
experiments in obtaining ear mites from cats, inserting them into
|
|||
|
|
his own ear, and carefully observing and analyzing the results.
|
|||
|
|
[Dr. Lopez's report was published in "The Journal of the American
|
|||
|
|
Veterinary Society," vol. 203, no. 5, Sept. 1, 1993, pp. 606-607.]
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
PSYCHOLOGY Lee Kuan Yew, former Prime Minister of Singapore,
|
|||
|
|
practitioner of the psychology of negative reinforcement, for his
|
|||
|
|
thirty-year study of the effects of punishing three million
|
|||
|
|
citizens of Singapore whenever they spat, chewed gum, or fed
|
|||
|
|
pigeons.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
PHYSICS The Japanese Meterological Agency, for its seven-year
|
|||
|
|
study of whether earthquakes are caused by catfish wiggling their
|
|||
|
|
tails.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
LITERATURE L. Ron Hubbard, ardent author of science fiction and
|
|||
|
|
founding father of Scientology, for his crackling Good Book,
|
|||
|
|
"Dianetics," which is highly profitable to mankind or to a portion
|
|||
|
|
thereof.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
CHEMISTRY Texas State Senator Bob Glasgow, wise writer of logical
|
|||
|
|
legislation, for sponsoring the 1989 drug control law which make
|
|||
|
|
it illegal to purchase beakers, flasks, test tubes, or other
|
|||
|
|
laboratory glassware without a permit.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
ECONOMICS Jan Pablo Davila of Chile, tireless trader of financial
|
|||
|
|
futures and former employee of the state-owned Codelco Company,
|
|||
|
|
for instructing his computer to "buy" when he meant "sell," and
|
|||
|
|
subsequently attempting to recoup his losses by making
|
|||
|
|
increasingly unprofitable trades that ultimately lost .5 percent
|
|||
|
|
of Chile's gross national product. Davila's relentless achievement
|
|||
|
|
inspired his countrymen to coin a new verb: "to davilar," meaning,
|
|||
|
|
"to botch things up royally."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 24 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
MATHEMATICIANS The Southern Baptist Church of Alabama,
|
|||
|
|
mathematical measurers of morality, for their county-by-county
|
|||
|
|
estimate of how many Alabama citizens will go to Hell if they
|
|||
|
|
don't repent.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Full details of the 1994 Ig Nobel Prize Ceremony, including
|
|||
|
|
photographs and highlights of the acceptance speeches and 30-
|
|||
|
|
second Heisenberg Certainty Lectures, will be presented in
|
|||
|
|
December in the first print issue of The Annals of Improbable
|
|||
|
|
Research. For subscription information, e-mail: air-subs@mit.edu.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
{Ed. note: The preceding article originally appeared in the
|
|||
|
|
electronic journal, _The mini-Annals of Improbable Research_ (mini-
|
|||
|
|
AIRS) and is republished with permission.}
|
|||
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
RAH Humor Review: The M*A*S*H Novels
|
|||
|
|
by Dave Bealer
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
In 1968 the United States seemed to be flipping it's collective lid.
|
|||
|
|
It was a year of riots and assassinations at home, meanwhile young
|
|||
|
|
Americans were laying down their lives in the jungles of Southeast
|
|||
|
|
Asia. In the midst of this insanity came an appropriately insane
|
|||
|
|
novel, one that recalled the exploits of some other young Americans,
|
|||
|
|
from the previous generation, who served in another Asian land war
|
|||
|
|
that wasn't officially a war.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H_, by Richard Hooker, recounts the exploits of the surgeons,
|
|||
|
|
nurses, and support staff of a Mobile Army Surgical Hospital (MASH)
|
|||
|
|
during the Korean War. The novel was well received, being compared
|
|||
|
|
by reviewers to that classic novel of military insanity, _Catch-22_.
|
|||
|
|
In fact _M*A*S*H_ would go on to surpass _Catch-22_ in commercial
|
|||
|
|
success, inspiring a hit movie, and even bigger hit television
|
|||
|
|
series.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The motion picture _M*A*S*H_ was released in 1970, and starred Donald
|
|||
|
|
Sutherland, Elliott Gould, Tom Skerritt, Sally Kellerman, and Robert
|
|||
|
|
Duvall. I first saw the movie that summer at a drive-in theater with
|
|||
|
|
my parents. I loved it! It was funny and poked fun at authority;
|
|||
|
|
just the kind of thing to appeal to a twelve-year-old. My mother was
|
|||
|
|
quite upset by the film, although she claimed to be more bothered by
|
|||
|
|
the blood in the surgical scenes than by the dialogue, which included
|
|||
|
|
several words I would have been slapped for saying myself.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Within a few years a hit situation comedy based on the novel and
|
|||
|
|
movie was developed by Larry Gelbart. It ran for eleven years, and
|
|||
|
|
made stars out of Alan Alda, Wayne Rogers, Loretta Swit, Mike
|
|||
|
|
Farrell, David Ogden Stiers, Gary Burghoff, Jamie Farr, and virtually
|
|||
|
|
everyone who landed a major role in the show. A top-ten rated series
|
|||
|
|
for most of its original run, "M*A*S*H" is still a popular resident
|
|||
|
|
of syndication, and is well known to most people.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Rather less well known is the fact that Richard Hooker, who did not
|
|||
|
|
participate in the production of either the movie or the TV series,
|
|||
|
|
went on to write several sequels to the original novel. I found some
|
|||
|
|
of them in used book stores starting in the late 1970s.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 25 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
It should be noted that these books continue the characters as
|
|||
|
|
developed in the original novel, on which the movie was based, and
|
|||
|
|
have nothing whatever to do with the TV series. This means that if
|
|||
|
|
your only exposure to M*A*S*H has been through the sitcom, you really
|
|||
|
|
need to read the original _M*A*S*H_ novel and _M*A*S*H Goes To Maine_
|
|||
|
|
before starting any of the others. As a single example of the
|
|||
|
|
inconsistencies, the TV Hawkeye was an only child whose father was a
|
|||
|
|
physician. Hawkeye as presented in these novels is from a large
|
|||
|
|
family, the brood of a Maine lobsterman.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H Goes To Maine_, by Richard Hooker, was published in
|
|||
|
|
hardcover by William Morrow in February 1972. The Pocket Book
|
|||
|
|
paperback reprint came out in January 1973. This books picks up the
|
|||
|
|
tale of Hawkeye Pierce shortly after his return from Korea. After
|
|||
|
|
passing his general surgical boards, Hawkeye is persuaded by Trapper
|
|||
|
|
John to move to the New York City area for a couple of years and
|
|||
|
|
complete his residency in thoracic surgery. Hawkeye turns down an
|
|||
|
|
invitation to become a part of the "Cardia Nostra," the big league of
|
|||
|
|
heart surgeons to which Trapper belongs. Instead he returns to
|
|||
|
|
Crabapple Cove, there to live while becoming the top surgeon in
|
|||
|
|
nearby Spruce Harbor. By the end of the book Hawkeye manages to lure
|
|||
|
|
the rest of the inmates of "The Swamp" to Spruce Harbor where they
|
|||
|
|
continue their madcap antics. Oddly, one of the best chapters in
|
|||
|
|
this screwball comedy is the serious, tear-jerking tale of Hawkeye's
|
|||
|
|
attempts to save the life of Jonas "Moose" Lord, a lobsterman who had
|
|||
|
|
been a friend to every kid growing up in Crabapple Cove for years
|
|||
|
|
(including the young Hawkeye).
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The rest of these novels were cowritten by Richard Hooker and William
|
|||
|
|
E. Butterworth. They were published as paperbacks by Pocket Books.
|
|||
|
|
They all have advertising language on their covers relating them to
|
|||
|
|
the M*A*S*H TV series, although (as mentioned) they having nothing to
|
|||
|
|
do with that show. The sitcom *was* one of the most popular shows on
|
|||
|
|
the air when these novels were published, which explains everything.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H Goes To New Orleans_ was released in January 1975. In this
|
|||
|
|
story, Hawkeye is drugged by his loving wife and spirited to New
|
|||
|
|
Orleans by Trapper John. The idea is to get Hawkeye well out of the
|
|||
|
|
way while his fourth child is born, since he was driving everyone
|
|||
|
|
nuts. While in New Orleans, our heroes try desperately to avoid
|
|||
|
|
attending any convention sessions of the American Tonsil, Adenoid and
|
|||
|
|
Vas Deferens Society (Francis Burns, M.D. - public affairs vice
|
|||
|
|
president). By several extraordinary coincidences (read: plot
|
|||
|
|
devices), a few other 4077 alumni are staying in the same hotel.
|
|||
|
|
These include Hot Lips, Father (now Archbishop) John Mulcahy, and
|
|||
|
|
Jean-Pierre "Horsey" de la Chevaux, a former infantry sergeant whose
|
|||
|
|
leg was once saved at the 4077th MASH. Horsey, now a petroleum
|
|||
|
|
millionaire, is a regular inhabitant of these novels. He's usually
|
|||
|
|
accompanied by his comrades, the drunken members of the Bayou Perdu
|
|||
|
|
Council, Knights of Columbus.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 26 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H Goes To Paris_ was also released in January 1975. The
|
|||
|
|
French government is giving out awards, and the recipients include
|
|||
|
|
Radar O'Reilly, mid-western fast food tycoon, and Hot Lips, who is
|
|||
|
|
now a religious leader. A new regular character introduced here is
|
|||
|
|
Boris Korsky-Rimsakov, a world renown opera singer whose life was
|
|||
|
|
once saved at a certain MASH unit in Korea (what a convenient, and
|
|||
|
|
oft used, plot device).
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H Goes To London_ was released in June 1975. England may
|
|||
|
|
never recover from the visit of the 4077 alumni. The aristocracy of
|
|||
|
|
two continents are hammered in this book, which features the presence
|
|||
|
|
of a U.S. Secretary of State with a thick German accent. I wonder
|
|||
|
|
who that is supposed to be?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H Goes To Las Vegas_ was released in January 1976. This story
|
|||
|
|
revolves around the activities of the mysterious "Matthew Q.
|
|||
|
|
Framingham Theosophical Foundation," of which Hawkeye Pierce is a
|
|||
|
|
long time member. It features Radar's wedding at Nero's Villa.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
_M*A*S*H Goes To Vienna_ was released in June 1976. The Swamp Rats
|
|||
|
|
and a good portion of the new characters from _M*A*S*H Goes To
|
|||
|
|
London_ descend on the home of wiener schnitzel. The heavily
|
|||
|
|
accented Secretary of State makes another appearance.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
These novels are not, in general, great literature. They make good
|
|||
|
|
light entertainment, though. If you like parodies of politicians,
|
|||
|
|
the medical profession, Hollywood, opera, and religion (which is
|
|||
|
|
redundant, given the other items in the list) you should enjoy these
|
|||
|
|
novels. The above list of M*A*S*H novels is not complete. These are
|
|||
|
|
the ones I own so far. I'm still combing used book stores for the
|
|||
|
|
records of the M*A*S*H gang's journeys to: Hollywood, Miami, Texas,
|
|||
|
|
Montreal, Morocco, and San Francisco. {RAH}
|
|||
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|||
|
|
Announcements and Observations
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The RAH HQ BBS (The Puffin's Nest) is now running a U.S. Robotics
|
|||
|
|
V.Everything modem. Speeds available are 1200 bps - 28800 bps.
|
|||
|
|
Major changes are in the works for this BBS. Details will appear in
|
|||
|
|
this space next month. (Call it a vaporware BBS.)
|
|||
|
|
- - -
|
|||
|
|
Due to technical difficulties we were unable to present the complete
|
|||
|
|
biography of Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari in this issue. The entire
|
|||
|
|
story should appear in the December issue.
|
|||
|
|
- - -
|
|||
|
|
Remember that your kind words are the only payment that RAH's
|
|||
|
|
writers, editors and publisher receive. If you like something you
|
|||
|
|
see in RAH, let them know. Most of their electronic addresses are
|
|||
|
|
included with their articles.
|
|||
|
|
- - -
|
|||
|
|
The deadline for submissions for the December 1994 issue is 11/25/94.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 27 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Always be sincere, even if you don't mean it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I'm not old, I'm chronologically gifted.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Try a new lease on life, and the landlord raises the rent.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Give me a tuna on rye, hold the mercury.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
No...why, have YOU ever snorted laser toner?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Amish bumper sticker: Caution! Do not step in exhaust.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Get your mind out of the gutter! Grab mine while you're there, please.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Exactly what time of morning did technology pass me by?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Elvis is dead and I don't feel so good myself.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
When subtlety fails us we must resort to cream pies.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I've got morals. I just don't know where they are.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Watch the short jokes or I'll bite you on the ankle!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
You are in a twisty maze of little install diskettes.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Who do you call to exorcise software?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Glob thinkally, loc actally
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The time to make up your mind about people is...never.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
If you want to know about paranoids, follow them around.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The world of children's publishing is bunny eat bunny.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Only the insane take themselves quite seriously.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
For a bug-free environment do NOT run this program!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Deja moo: knowing you've herd all this bull before.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Real programmers use "copy con program.exe"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page 28 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A language is a dialect with an army and navy.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I am Drunk of Borg. Resistance is floor tile.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Think you're confused? Wait until I explain it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Freedom is doing what you like, happiness is liking what you do.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A naked man fears no pickpocket.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Life. Live it. Love it. Laugh at it.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Why experiment on animals when there are so many lawyers?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Classic - a book which people praise and don't read.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How do I set my phaser to "tickle?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Never discuss love with a tennis player, it means nothing to them.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
To be or not to be, that is the split infinitive.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Toto, I don't think we're in DOS anymore...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The Americans have taken umbrage. Whereabouts is that?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Giant ape becomes religious leader in "King of Kongs!"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Pardon me, your horse is on fire!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I'm not bad, I just post that way.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Monday is a hard way to spend one seventh of your life.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page A-1 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Masthead:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Contributors: Ray Koziel
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
|
|||
|
|
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-28800/V.34)
|
|||
|
|
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
|
|||
|
|
Internet: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
|
|||
|
|
greg.borek@rah.clark.net
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor
|
|||
|
|
c/o Dave Bealer
|
|||
|
|
P.O. Box 595
|
|||
|
|
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
>> Legal Junk <<
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
|
|||
|
|
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
|
|||
|
|
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
|
|||
|
|
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
|
|||
|
|
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
|
|||
|
|
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
|
|||
|
|
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
|
|||
|
|
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
|
|||
|
|
publisher.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
|
|||
|
|
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
|
|||
|
|
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
|
|||
|
|
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
|
|||
|
|
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
|
|||
|
|
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
|
|||
|
|
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
|
|||
|
|
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
|
|||
|
|
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
|
|||
|
|
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
|
|||
|
|
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
|
|||
|
|
modified. RAH may not be posted, in whole or in part, on public
|
|||
|
|
conferences. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies
|
|||
|
|
on diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be
|
|||
|
|
distributed in combination with any other publication or product.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
|
|||
|
|
their respective owners.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Random Access Humor Page A-2 November 1994
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
>> Where to Get RAH <<
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
|
|||
|
|
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
|
|||
|
|
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
|
|||
|
|
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
|
|||
|
|
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
|
|||
|
|
For more info, send an e-mail message to: rahinfo@rah.clark.net
|
|||
|
|
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
|
|||
|
|
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
|
|||
|
|
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
|
|||
|
|
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
|
|||
|
|
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
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>> Writing For RAH <<
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Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
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must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
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message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
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may also be sent via Internet to: dave.bealer@rah.clark.net
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Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
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submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
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ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
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artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
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extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
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it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
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RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
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contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
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in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
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messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
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make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
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received.
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The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
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submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
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to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
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right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
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grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
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so keep it (mostly) clean.
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RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
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1) Any material in the public domain.
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2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
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right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
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copyright holder.
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Random Access Humor Page A-3 November 1994
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In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
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anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
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message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
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and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
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electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
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publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
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your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
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in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
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submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
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name, date of previous publication.
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RAH Distribution System:
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(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
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of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
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The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
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FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 28800 (V.Everything)
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Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
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Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
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Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
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(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
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Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
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(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
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Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
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Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
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European Gateway:
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Digital Frame Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
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FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
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Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
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Official RAH Distributors:
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-= AUSTRALIA =-
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Northern Territory
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Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
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-= BELGIUM =-
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Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
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-= CANADA =-
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Alberta
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The Darkland BBS Edmonton 1:342/808 (403) 486-5835 V.32bis
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Ontario
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Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 531-0479 V.FC
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The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/302 (416) 299-1164 Z19
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Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 V.32bis
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Uncle Sphincter's Westover 1:221/279 (519) 624-0134 HST/Dual
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-= FRANCE =-
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The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
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Random Access Humor Page A-4 November 1994
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-= GERMANY =-
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The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
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-= ICELAND =-
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The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
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-= ITALY =-
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Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
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-= NETHERLANDS =-
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BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
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BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 V.32bis
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TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
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Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
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Digital Frame Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
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-= PORTUGAL =-
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The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890010 V.32bis
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The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32
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-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
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MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
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-= SLOVENIA =-
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R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-1599400 V.32bis
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-= UNITED STATES =-
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Alabama
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J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 HST/Dual
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Arizona
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Mission Control Flagstaff (NoFido) (602) 527-1854 V.FC
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California
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InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
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Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
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Connecticut
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ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
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Florida
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Ruby's Joint Jacksonville 1:112/129 (904) 777-6799 V.FC
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The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
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Georgia
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D.W.'s Toolbox Jonesboro 1:133/1719 (404) 471-6636 V.32bis
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Hawaii
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Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
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Idaho
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Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2682 V.32bis
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Random Access Humor Page A-5 November 1994
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Illinois
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The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
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Indiana
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Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 474-2263 V.FC
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Maryland
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Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
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Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
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The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:261/1134 (410) 744-1102 V.Every
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Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
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Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.FC
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Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
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The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 V.Every
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Michigan
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Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
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Mississippi
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Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
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New Mexico
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High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:301/1 (505) 865-8385 V.32bis
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Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:301/301 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
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New York
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The Batcave Brooklyn 1:278/204 (718) 694-0433 HST/Dual
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Oklahoma
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H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
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Oregon
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Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
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Pennsylvania
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Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
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Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
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Tennessee
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The Outback Cottage Grove 1:3664/5 (901) 782-3550 V.32bis
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Texas
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Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
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C-Link Grand Prairie 1:124/7022 (214) 223-8338 V.32bis
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Utah
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Vital Signs West Jordan 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
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Virginia
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Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
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Wheels and Wings Chesapeake 1:275/9 (804) 420-2880 V.FC
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Random Access Humor Page A-6 November 1994
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Washington
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Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 326-1123 V.32bis
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Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
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West Virginia
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Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
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Wisconsin
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The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis
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=====================================================================
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Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
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commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
|
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Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
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EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
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SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
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Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
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