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SBI-Submarine Pens Proudly Presents:
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 3, 48
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"Two years and REPLIES TO: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
still going strong"
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WRITE TO: IGHF/955 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 209/Cambridge, Ma 02139
Pope Jephe: jstevens@world.std.com
Doc Simpson: scott@plearn.bitnet
Subscriptions: HailOtis@socpsy.sci.fau.edu
####===================================================================####
INTRO
####===================================================================####
As usual it's time to grab the yak by the pointy horns of the matter and
slug out another Purps. As usual, the editor does not feel he included
enough, but thanks to the miracle of this being a periodic publication
there's always another time.
This issue has a few nifty things in it if I do say so myself including
some Pre-Purps dogma of a most enlightening nature. Folks are always asking
us about what Purps really is about. We tend to point them back toward our
past--the past issues to be exact. I suppose it's just some sort of
marketing scheme or we're just very lazy, but it seems to work.
Sorry for taking so long for this to come out. Weird things as usual got in
the way. The biggest weird mess of course was a study involving 100 moist
pink and greasy human subjects coming into a computer lab for 5 one hour
sessions and answering questions on the computer. I should kick myself now
seeing as I could have put some blurb in the questionnaires about OTIS.
*sigh* Still these things happen. The checks still need to be mailed out. I
wonder if anyone would notice if they all got diverted to the IGHF. Hmmm.
Of course the other problem was the mailer software was on the fritz due to
what now appears to be some sort of hardware timing error. Well, that's out
of the way.
Perhaps the storms this weekend were a sign from OTIS that Purps needs to
be sent out.[The Great Blizzard of '93 for readers who are not on the
correct time lock.] Think of all those trapped in their dwellings. They'd
have hours to study Purps and find enlightenment. Maybe they'd have so
much time on their hands they'd even dig out a can of fruit salad and
perform the ritual...
But I digress and wonder off aimlessly. One more bit of news. For those of
you who were concerned. Humpy the Stumpy Bear has finally returned to her
home. She departed the now Infamous Post Hurricane Submarine Pens with much
pomp and circumstance. She returned with many divine and wonderful gifties
as well.
Anyway on with the show. As usual hopefully the next issue will be out
sooner.
####===================================================================####
Papal Ponderings
####===================================================================####
[Yes folks! It says Xmas. By making the issues shorter, backlogs sometime
develop. This of course should just be an excuse for issues to come out
more often.]
Papal Ponderings #7: Pope Jepheee I of the IGHF, 955 Mass. Ave, Suite 209,
Cambridge, MA 02139 USA. This time: a very angry Pope rants about the
evils of xmas.
I'm going to feed mistletoe to the next person who tells me to be
cheery for the holidays <1>. This is not as sudden as it sounds; the
holiday season has been increasingly grating on my nerves since it began;
in July. It was then, I kid you not, I saw my first ad with an Xmas
message. Sail Boston (Boston's portion of the Tall Ship celebration) had
just subsided, and some brave young entrepreneur had started pedaling a
video of the event (presumably to all the short people who had been forced
to stand toward the back of the crowd and thus had missed most of it). It
was, from the very start, billed as a "great Christmas gift; a way to share
the excitement of the Tall Ships with someone special during the holiday
season." I sat there, in the ninety degree heat, in a swimsuit and with a
cold beer in one hand, and listened to this and knew, squinting in the
bright sun, that it was going to be a long stretch from Thanksgiving to New
Year's.
I hereby propose a revolution; no more xmas in July (incidentally
that "x" is there not to offend Christians, but to distinguish the
commercialized Christmas from the real thing <2>). Brow's balls people,
each season is a splendor unto itself, from the glory of short sleeves and
a summer sweat in highest June, to the return of birds, the smell of lilacs
and the pleasure of making love on the wet grass in the spring to the wild
dying freedom of fall. Trying to stretch the coldest, darkest, busiest
months of the year into infinity is not only an exercise in masochism, it
smacks heavily of stupidity. It would be OK, I suppose, if it were the
real Christmas Spirit we were trying to keep in our hearts, but the
Commercial Spirit, the Spirit of Consumerism is better relegated to few
short days out of the year, if that. All we really want for xmas these
days is peace on earth, our two front teeth, and, oh yes, now that you
mention it, a Nintendo, a Merceedes <3>, and a bottle of cologne.
OTIS, but it almost makes me thankful that none of MY religion's
holidays has been able to sell out yet (although we are still taking bids;
anyone who thinks they can get Sony Inc. to start plugging the OTISian New
Year or Misgivings Day should please contact me at the address above). But
I suppose that's the danger of being a popular religion. Who was it that
described the history of xianity as "corrupt, criminal and
commercialized"<4>? He was dead on. OTIS, who are they worshiping anyway,
the little kid in the manger or the guy in the red suit? And how in OTIS'
name did it become possible to get the two confused? Nope. No more xmas
in July. Lets all pledge to this, shall we? On the count of four, "I
[state your name] pledge to truly maintain the spirit of Christmas the year
round by ignoring that holiday from New Years until a comfortable time
after Thanksgiving. May we OTISians remember what the xians have
forgotten. HAIL OTIS!" One, two, three...
Nunc Scripsi Totum pro OTISi da Mihi Vinum--
PJI
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes by "Bill", a House Scribe, Who Really has Better Things To Do, Like
His Xmas Shopping, But There It Is...
<1> Yes, the urban legend is true, mistletoe is poisonous if swallowed. Why
anyone might consume it, I haven't a clue. I am reminded of the Gary
Larson cartoon "No, Bob! Don't eat those! Those are _poison_ arrows!"
<2> Well, if YOU want to believe him here, go right ahead.
<3> The Pope apologizes that his current computer is unable to make the
copyright symbol. Are of these brand names are rights reserved.
<4>"Someone" is the Pope himself of course. I spent four hours searching
before I discovered that. What IS the penalty for justifiable papalcide?
####===================================================================####
The Perfect Woman of the 90's
####===================================================================####
[What follows apparently is an actual letter. It's just so silly it had to
be printed in purps.]
From: "Please, no more venison jokes." <hillv@kenyon.edu>
Subject: this should be on the net somewhere--
Date: Tue, 19 Jan 1993 23:27:56 EST
<EFBFBD>From: MX%"BIRCHENO@ucsvax.ucs.umass.edu" 19-JAN-1993 20:16:59.94
Subj: Believe it or not: feminist e-mail from Bill
Because of your proven good taste, we are inviting you to represent
"The Sophisticated Male of the Nineties" and help PLAYBOY construct "The
Perfect Woman."
.... No doubt you have visualized "her". Even, seen her in your
dreams.
You might have hoped for years to walk past her on the street. Ride
with her in an elevator. Or, sit next to her at a meeting, a train or a
plane. (Maybe, just maybe, you are one of the lucky ones who have actually
found her!)
At the least, we know, as a full-blooded male, you probably have
put her together, this "Perfect Woman". Piece by piece. Trait by trait--
in your mind's eye!
.... It's true! PLAYBOY, the foremost authority on beautiful
women, wants to know what YOU look for. What YOU want. What YOU fantasize
about when it comes to the perfect woman's beauty. Her brains. Her sexual
attitudes. Her vital statistics. Her lifestyle. Her workstyle, too.
"Brains! Lifestyle? Workstyle?"
Yes, we know (that you know) that physical characteristics are just
a part of the equation. That's why when you construct the perfect woman
for PLAYBOY today, you'll also be considerate enough to consider her
education. Her goals. Her family values. As well as her drive to live
life to the fullest.
But wait! There's more! (You mean, you can still stand to read this?)
There's the survey itself. Here are the Official Survey Questions,
reproduced in all entirely for your edification and ... well, amusement is
not the word I'm looking for, is it?
VITAL STATISTICS
* I believe the perfect woman's measurements would be:
__ BUST (inches) __ WAIST (inches) __ HIPS (inches)
* I believe the perfect woman's height would be:
__ ft./ __ in.
* I believe the perfect woman's weight would be:
WEIGHT: ____
* I believe the perfect woman's age would be:
AGE: ____
* Overall, the perfect woman would (check one):
__ be as thin as possible
__ be full-figured
__ have an athletic build
__ other _________________
BEAUTY
* I believe the perfect woman's skin color would be (check one):
__ brown __ white
__ black __ other: _________
__ yellow
* I believe the perfect woman would have (choose only one):
__ auburn/red hair __ brown hair
__ blond hair __ other: _________
__ black hair
* I believe the perfect woman's hair would be (check one):
__ long __ curly
__ straight __ other: ________
__ short
* I believe the perfect woman's eye color would be (check one):
__ blue __ green
__ brown __ violet
__ hazel __ other: _______
BODY PARTS
* What one feature about a woman's breasts do you look at most? (check one)
__ the size of the breasts
__ the shape of the breasts
__ the firmness of the breasts
__ the nipples
__ other: _________
* What one feature about a woman's buttocks do you look at most?
(check one)
__ the size of the buttocks
__ the shape of the buttocks
__ the firmness of the buttocks
__ other: _________
* What one feature about a woman's face do you look at most? (check one)
__ her cheekbones __ her lips
__ her chin __ her nose
__ her ears __ her teeth
__ her eyebrows __ other: _________
__ her eyes
* The perfect woman's lips would be (check one):
__ full __ thin __ thick __ pouty
* What one feature about a woman's legs and feet do you look at most?
(check one)
__ the length of her legs
__ the shape of her legs
__ the firmness of her legs
__ her knees __ her feet
__ her calves __ her toes
__ her thighs
__ other: __________
* What one feature about a woman's stomach do you look at most? (check one)
__ the firmness of her stomach
__ ribs that protrude
__ an "innie" belly button
__ an "outie" belly button
__ other: ______________
* Other than her face, if a woman could have only one absolutely perfect
feature, it should be: (In other words, are you a "leg man", or what?
Check on!)
__ her breasts __ her feet
__ her buttocks __ her legs
__ her hair __ her stomach
__ other: __________
BRAINS
* I believe the perfect woman would have (check one):
__ completed high school
__ some college
__ completed a junior college
__ completed a 4 yr. college
__ received her Masters or Doctorate
* I believe the perfect woman would have (check one):
__ lots of common sense
__ lots of dollars cents
* I believe the perfect woman would have an interest an (check one):
__ art __ sciences
__ English __ foreign languages
__ history __ political science
__ finance/math __ psychology
__ physiology __ other: __________
FASHION STATEMENTS
* I believe the perfect woman would wear (most of the time):
__ bikinis or __ one piecers
__ blue jeans or __ black leather
__ contacts or __ glasses
__ cutoffs or __ handcuffs
__ high heels or __ tennis shoes
__ lots of cosmetics or __ little cosmetics
__ lots of jewelry or __ little jewelry
__ long, painted nails or __ long, unpainted nails
__ negligees or __ nothing
__ short skirts or __ long dresses
__ tank tops or __ trench coats
__ tattoos or __ t-tops
* I believe the perfect woman would wear clothes and hairstyles that
(check one):
__ make her look younger
__ make her look older
__ make her look her age
LIFESTYLE & WORKSTYLE
* I believe the perfect woman would:
__ love to eat or __ love to talk
__ love to dance or __ love to draw
__ love the indoors or __ love the outdoors
__ love music or __ love Talk radio
__ love motorcycles or __ love convertibles
__ love to spectate or __ love to participate
__ love to work or __ love to travel
* I believe the perfect woman would be:
__ heterosexual or __ bisexual
__ career-minded or __ a homemaker at heart
__ goal-oriented or __ family-oriented
* I believe the perfect woman would be (check one):
__ good with children
__ good with in-laws
__ good with ex-lovers, ex-wives
SEXUAL ATTITUDES
* I believe the perfect woman would be (check one):
__ sexually naive
__ sexually knowledgeable
__ sexually experienced
* I believe the perfect woman would make the first move to lure you into
the bedroom (check one):
__ 100% of the time
__ 75-100% of the time
__ 50-75% of the time
__ 25-50% of the time
__ Less than 25% of the time
__ Never. I always make the first move
... and that, my friends, is that. Not a word about swishy skirts, or a
woman's smile, or whether or not she's read Gene Wolfe, or other such
matters which attract me personally. And this from this from the magazine
which purports to be the best of the bunch.
I hereby declare myself most certainly NOT a "full-blooded male" and damn
proud of it.
--Bill
####===================================================================####
Markey Mark Malarky
####===================================================================####
Date: Sat, 23 Jan 1993 00:56:22 EST
From: "Vague and fuzzy, that's a good skill to develop.--Prof R. Hinton"
<hillv@kenyon.edu>
From: MX%"hcresnic@midway.uchicago.edu" 22-JAN-1993 20:11:35.91
MARKY MARK: CROTCH-CLUTCHING IDIOT SAVANT - OR HAPLESS VICTIM OF SOCIETY?
"MARKY MARK" - by Marky Mark and Lynn Goldsmith. Harper-Collins. $15
Sneering and grabbing his crotch, Marky Mark has appeared in one Calvin
Klein ad too many. Some advertising genius figured that it was enough that
his picture is in every major fashion magazine so he's also plastered all
over New York City fondling his groin on telephone booths and buses. Not
enough for you diehard Marky Markists? Fear not. Just released: Marky's pic
book/biography. This bio that aims to please the mall crowd and Marky Mark
himself would make a great coffee table book, and at fifteen dollars, it's
a steal compared to Madonna's _Sex_.
"Marky Mark" only took about twenty minutes to read thoroughly. The
experience was nightmarish yet edifying. It was chock full of photos of a
mostly shirtless (what a shock!) Marky Mark in various real life and posed
positions. Best of all, it contained endless unadulterated philosophical
quotes by the bare chested wonder himself. The fun begins with the
dedication, which reads, "I dedicate this book to my dick." Not
surprisingly, he is pictured on this page cupping his organ of choice.
As you read on, Marky's mother and brother, Donnie Wahlberg of The New
Kids on the Block, probably the greatest band ever, praise little Marky
extensively on his many achievements. Mom's proud because he is
disciplined enough to work out every day and that he only strips down to
his tighty whities in concert rather than taking it all off. Basically,
Donnie beams at baby brother because Marky's become such a pumped up stud.
He admits, however, that he's a little jealous that Marky bagged a girl
that Donnie had the hots for. Poor Donnie, overshadowed by his kid brother
just because Marky has bigger pecs.
Throughout the book, there are questions that Marky answers regarding
his success, spare nipples, and life in general. These are my favorite:
Q: Do you think you've changed in the last year?
A: Fuck yeah. My whole life has made a fuckin' 360 degree turn.
Later, Marky hints at the reason for his grave trigonometric error:
"I dropped out of high school because I thought I had better things to do
like hanging out on the corner. You can motherfuckin' shake and connive any
shit you want in life if you got education. Then you know how how use that
shit to your advantage and trick motherfuckers and shit."
Could this be true? If so, then is the world doomed?
When Marky speaks of his third nipple, which is located at the bottom
of his left pec, we can see that Marky is only human, and wants to be loved
just like you and me:
"It's cool, it's unique. Not too many people have them, and it's not
hazardous to my health or anything. It's not something to be ashamed
about. It's Dope and bitches like to suck it."
Is it common to have a third nipple? In the picture in the book it looks
like a giant pimple. Of course, it is easily airbrushed away for those
Calvin Klein ads.
After reading these quotes one starts to wonder how Marky came to be
the star he is today. Is he just a genius who knows how to market himself
even though he does not have full command of the English language? Is he a
super talented rap/hip-hop artist of the streets who is misunderstood and
unappreciated by some just because he's white (like that great rapper
Vanilla Ice)? Or, is he another fabricated puppet of some music industry
producer who's reaping in tons of money by pandering to pre-pubescent
libidos? Who ever thought that Marky could be so complex and problematic?
It's obvious that he has worked to achieve his muscular physique.
Would he be popular with teen queens if he were just a skinny wimp, like he
was not too long ago? Would he be Calvin' poster boy if he were a string
bean? Marky probably like his body and working out. But working out is
probably also the only way that he can make a profit. This is a society
which is preoccupied with image and unconcerned with substance - just look
at those Benetton ads which use a picture of a dying AIDS patient
surrounded by his family to sell over- priced sweaters. In this vicious,
wealth- and image-obsessed country, who can blame Marky Mark for making the
most of his gleaming pecs and his triple nipple?
by Jenny Tsai in _The Grey City Journal_ 1/22/1993
####===================================================================####
Genetic Misfit
####===================================================================####
[Keep in mind folks this is about that other Pope. Not the dear lovable
Otisian Pope we've gradually grown to trust over the years.]
From cshort@nmsu.edu Wed Dec 2 03:02:49 1992
From: cshort@nmsu.edu (MetaPope, Internet in a Day Tour.)
Subject: pope a genetic misfit
Date: Wed, 2 Dec 1992 10:00:52 GMT
SOURCE: AP NEWSWIRE
The Vatican, Home Of Genetic Misfits?
Michael A. Gillow, noted geneticist, has revealed some unusual data
after working undercover in the Vatican for the past 18 years. "The
Popehat(tm) is actually an advanced bone spur," reveals Gillow in his
groundshaking report. Gillow, who had secretly studied the innermost
workings of the Vatican since returning from Vietnam in a wheel chair,
first approached the scientific community with his theory in the late
1950's.
"The whole hat thing, that was just a cover up. The Vatican didn't want
the Catholic Community(tm) to realize their leader was hefting nearly 8
kilograms of extraneous bone tissue on the top of his skull," notes
Gillow in his report. "There are whole laboratories in the Vatican that
experiment with tissue transplants and bone marrow experiments. What
started as a genetic fluke in the mid 1400's is now scientifically
engineered and bred for. The whole bone transplant idea started in the
mid sixties inspired by doctor Timothy Leary transplanting deer
bone cells into small white rats." Gillow is quick to point out the
assassination attempt on Pope John Paul II and the disappearance of Dr.
Leary from the public eye.
"When it becomes time to replace the pope," says Gillow, "The old pope and
the replacement pope are locked in a padded chamber. They butt heads
much like male yaks fighting for dominance of the herd. The victor
emerges and has earned the privilege of inseminating the choir boys."
c.
--
|V
|A
|------------------------| |T
|agent orange health club|------------------------------- |I
| lifetime member | cshort@crl.nmsu.edu is spamgod |C
|------P|----- |A
O| Silica Gell. Do Not Eat. Stays Crispy In Milk. --|N ------|
P| ----------------|vietnam theme park|
E| |------------------|
####===================================================================####
Traces: A Short Encounter with Otisian Death
####===================================================================####
[Here's some pre-Purps dogma which is well worth reading. Many readers have
clamored for information of this nature. Hopefully this little bit will
satisfy their hunger for now.]
Date: Tue, 26 Jan 1993 01:03:29 EST
From:
"All studies are concerned with the pursuit of philosophy, they just
fail to realize it." <hessoun@kenyon.edu>
Subject: The burial thing...
Tasty little item of pre-Purps dogma. It originally appeared in the Owl
Creek Journal around October of 1988.
----------------------------Original message----------------------------
Sacred Earth Alliance News Archives for 1989
05-feb-89 (Otis) Expires 05-mar-89
Traces: A Short Encounter with Otisian Death
by
Jeff Stevens
Introduction:
As I write these lines I am literally surrounded by a sea of information.
Around me on my floor, my desk, and covering my easy chair are piles upon
piles of books. The maid has not yet dared set foot in this study for some
time now: having decided that attempting to clean it or even, in her words,
"find the floor" would be quite fruitless. Any sunlight that wishes to
enter here must first push its way through texts on cuneiform translations
and historical notes on Sumerian culture. The window sills are covered by
these books.
The reason for my current predicament is a paradoxical one. I find myself
thus swamped with books every time I attempt to write an article on
Sumerian Otis worship simply because there is so little literature
dedicated to that topic. Quarter page references and short casual
mentions, however, abound. So, although I am never forced to abandon my
hunt for information, that hunt will inevitably lead me down a long,
scanty, and twisted paper trail more paved with brief footnotes or off- hand
remarks than with direct references to what I seek. In a 200 page tome, I
am happy for a eighth of a page footnote.
There is so little information that, late at night, I often am plagued with
doubts. I wonder if there ever was an ancient Sumerian god of life called
"Otis", or is that god, and the faith which follows it, simply the product
of an imaginative mind and some vast conspiracy of certain twisted
intellectuals who have kept the hoax alive. Such notions are easily
dismissed in the morning (they evaporate quickly in the sunlight), but are
unnerving at night never-the-less. Yet when morning comes, I once again
find courage (generally with the assistance of several cups of coffee) to
sit myself down at my desk in front of my statue of Saint Jude, and eagerly
resume my quest.
A Brief History of Otis and "His" Worship- "Set Yourself On
Fire"---
As I put these lines on paper I am well aware that I am writing for an
audience of "laypersons". If my audience is at all familiar with the
Otisian faith, it knows only of the rising cult of Otis worship currently
becoming popular in this country and not of the historical fact upon which
that cult is based. For, long before the modern Otisian cultists, there was
an ancient Sumerian religion. This religion had some of the most unusual
and exotic grieving practices known to humanity; which are the subject of
this paper. The religion was called the Faith of Otis (its primary god),
and had the following history:
Otis worship was and is based on belief in the ancient Sumerian god of life
"Otis" who is first documented on a clay tablet uncovered in Syria, circa
2,000 BC. The god's worship continued after the demise of Sumeria, despite
repression by the Catholic Church in the 15th century, and continues to be
practiced in the modern day (chiefly by an east- coast organization
entitled "The Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes"- one of whose slogans
entitles this section).{1}
The Spirit, Lotus, Rotus, Otis, and All That---
Modern Otis worshipers have altered little of the old ways of grief.
Formalized grieving still encompasses four stages: crying (en-ikiuto),
remembering (or "mis-remembering" depending on the translation-- gebil),
burial (genecum) and recovery (dam-gal-a-u- am-ua..).
The grieving stage consists of a simple, direct, and uniquely public
lamentation ritual. During this stage, the eldest member of the deceased's
family (male or female-- this aspect of the rite makes no sex requirements)
will wander at midday in to a public place; preferably the center of town
or the ``Igehif'' (Otisian meeting house), carying some personal article of
the deceased-- a book, a hair brush or (if male) his amputated genitals--
as proof of his current state.{2} There the griever will wail for four
hours, or until he or she is simply to exhausted to continue. Any fellow
Otisian hearing this lament is expected, although not religiously required,
to offer support.
Immediately after this period of wailing (which occurs on the noon after
the death of the grieved party){3}, the period of mis-remembering begins.
This also consists of a simple ceremony, but unlike the former, there is
nothing even remotely equivalent to this stage among the other religions of
the world.
During this stage the eldest male family member formally invites anyone and
everyone into his home (by standing in the street and yelling) for a twelve
hour long "rag session" (if you will) on the deceased. Officially this is
a period of remembrance, but if these remembrances become fond, the
leading male will bluntly point out the all of the deceased's bad
qualities, the mistakes he/she made, the times he/she hurt his/her family
and friends. These lists and so detailed and accurate that they can easily
take up to two to two hours. No one is ever canonized at this ceremony.
It has even been hypothesized that if nothing bad can be remembered, the
leader will simply become imaginative and make something up{4}.
Burial is simple and personal, although it, too has its quirks. The
deceased, for example is buried vertically in a glass coffin; completely
nude and with his or her houseplants (and no other possessions). Neither
the modern Otisians nor innumerable historians have provided satisfactory
explanations for these practices, current Otisians say they are simply
following tradition, but have developed an elaborate modern myth which
suggests that the after world is a specific place on the light side of a
distant planet which is deprived of oxygen. The coffin arrangement (or its
spiritual equivalent) is said to act as a sort of greenhouse for the
deceased, keeping him or her comfortable.{6}
The final stage is recovery. Until now the psychological use of the
rituals has been to come to terms with the tragedy. To whit: to grieve (or
have the eldest grieve for you), to remember, and to physically separate
from the body (burial). Now that death has been made a reality, the next
step is to transcend. Now the Otisians must find the strength to continue
to live their lives. This is done via a fourteen hour drinking party.
During this stage, a simple straw effigy of the deceased is propped in the
center of the family courtyard (or modern day equivalent there of).
Around this effigy, the dead's family imbibe in what can easily be
considered much too much wine, while the younger members of the party find
a quite bush or secluded spot in which to procreate. This behavior is not
only acceptable, but required. It is also the type of action that may have
led to the Catholic Church's extreme persecution of the faith in the
middle ages Oddly, this persecution seemed to increase the number and
intensity of such rituals in the countries in which it was practiced.
As I finish with these lines, my physical situation has changed very little
from my description in the introduction That is; I am still encaved in
books. After I have obtained a hard copy of this work, I will be forced to
claw my way out. I must ring the maid to bring a shovel. Until then, I
hope that this brief survey has enlightened you into some greater
understanding of Otisian grieving practices. With the modern cult becoming
increasingly popular it is probable that they will soon arrive in your
neighborhood (if they are not there already). I would hope that when that
event occurs, you would meet them with understanding and not fear.
{1} I refer anyone wishing further information to the excellent works of
Jeremy Corneilus -- a marvelous 18th century writer whose four volume work
De Sumeriae excellently documents the history of the Otisian faith (among
other things) and requires only a modicum of Latin to understand.
{2} And almost as a justification for grief. The Otisians tend to be a
very happy group, and generally frown on negative emotion.
{3} Or so chronicles Abraham Weisman in the ritual practices of
psuedo-secret cults, Harper and Row, 1955
{4} The claim of Dr. Paul Pnin in his 1984 paper "Ritual Hibits and
Remembrances of the Dead", published by Miskatonic University Press.
{5} ibid.
{6} If this sounds ridiculous, it should. Modern Otisians make no excuses
for it, however, and so I can offer you none.
####===================================================================####
Ceremonial Magick Made Easy
####===================================================================####
From: mimir@stein.u.washington.edu (Al Billings)
Subject: Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Line Segment
Date: 29 Jan 1993 04:58:11 GMT
** Ceremonial Magick Made EZ **
sub figura figura liber librae librum perfecta fellatio
Publication in class LSMFT
7=93 Toreador
18=21 Orator
6=6 Assistant Manager
000. Let us not forget that the Great work is for naught unless we
remember to begin counting from Ain Soph Aur, rather than "1", as is the
fashion of the unenlightened.
00. The Knowledge and Conversion of the Holy Guardian Angel is not so
great a feat, once you learn his phone number. Our chief obstacle then, is
obstinate answering services, but that is not the purpose of this document.
0. Instead, we shall deal with the aspirant who has found high magick
to be just too damned complicated, and seeks a path to enlightenment which
requires little or no effort beyond buying a really cool robe. Thus, we
present a nice little ritual that even the laziest magus can be performing
in no time: the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Line Segment, not to be
confused with any other Lesser Banishing Rituals which might be floating
about.
1. Facing the East, touch the bridge of nose, intoning the holy word
SPECTACLES.
2. Touch pelvic region, vibrating the word TESTICLES.
3. Touch right side of chest, in region of shirt pocket, intoning
WALLET.
4. Touch left side of chest, intoning WATCH.
5. Thrusting both arms enthusiastically into the air, proclaim loudly
"And that's the fact, Jack!" (You will know you have performed this step
correctly when the neighbors bang on the ceiling in annoyed rebellion
against your incanting.)
6. Using the appropriate magickal weapon, trace a glowing blue line
segment in the East, vibrating the mystic name FEE.
7. Turn to the South, tracing a similar line segment, vibrating the
mystic name FI.
8. Turn to the West, vibrating the mystic name FO.
9. Turn to the North, vibrating the mystic name FUM.
10. Facing East, invoke the guardians of the watchtowers:
Before me GROUCHO
Behind me HARPO
At my left hand CHICO
At my right hand ZEPPO
For about me flames the Line Segments
And above me shines the four-sided Rectangle!
11. Repeat 1-5, above.
MEANING: The first four steps, known as the Antiballistic Qros, are a
technique whereby the aspirant centers himself within the four elements.
Upon pronouncing the word SPECTACLES, the aspirant should visualize a pair
of glasses resting upon his face; the mystic spectacles of truth, belonging
to the element of air. It further must be recognized that the word
SPECTACLES enumerates to 657, which is the number of one of the Angels of
the 3rd of December (Scorpio.) The limitless profundities in this
correspondence should busy the aspirant for the better part of a weekend.
In any case, the other three points of the Antiballistic Qros refer to
the other three elements; the TESTICLES correspond to the vigorous
fertility drive linked to fire, the WALLET corresponds to the Tarot suit of
Coins and the element of earth, and the WATCH, corresponding to the element
of water, symbolizes the fluid nature of time.
The mystic names FEE, FI, FO, and FUM are next to be intoned, while
tracing the four line segments in the elemental quarters. A note about the
tracing: it is important that the line segment be drawn from the top down
when performing this ritual as a means of banishing; if one starts at the
bottom of the figure and traces upward, that is an _invoking_ line segment,
which is another thing all together. Also, one should _never_ draw the line
segment sideways, for this is a symbol of great evil. Parents, keep in
mind that if your teenager demonstrates an affinity for horizontal lines,
he or she is undoubtedly dabbling in the black arts.
The names used in the invocation in step ten may be changed by any
ultra-patriotic Americans who find the whole thing a bit, er, Marxist. It
is not uncommon to invoke instead the holy names JOHN, PAUL, GEORGE, and
RINGO, although some find this practice to reek of another branch of
communism (your author shall take this opportunity to vacate the premises
before that last pun sinks in.)
####===================================================================####
The 33 Steps
####===================================================================####
Date: Tue, 09 Feb 1993 13:31:45 EST
From: "LORD OF THE IGUANAS : KEEPER OF THE FLOCKS" <zecchin@kenyon.edu>
And now for:
Weird information from The Saint of Small Lizards and Furry Marshmallows..
Incl. How to change a Light bulb in a nuclear weapons (not wessel Checkov)
plant!!!
Hindenburg Balloons
Take a jug of Drain-O(tm), Liquid Plumber(tm), or other drain goo remover.
Tear some pieces of aluminum foil and put them in the jug. Stretch a
balloon over the top of the jug and collect all of the gas (Hydrogen) that
is being released. When the balloon is full, tie it off with a string or
something that will make a good wick. Light the wick, let go of the
balloon. The balloon will start to float away, but will be engulfed in
flames when the wick burns to the balloon. This is great to do at night :)
Don't we feel safe, this is what it takes to change a light-bulb at a
nuclear facility.
Subject: The 33 Steps
Light-bulb change a 43-person task, Flats memo details 'safety-first'
process
By Mark Obmascik, Denver Post Environment Writer
How many Rocky Flats workers does it take to change a light bulb?
Forty-three - and that's no joke.
An internal memorandum written by managers of the Jefferson County nuclear
weapons plant describes a 33-step process to perform "a simple job on a
vital safety systems, the replacement of a light bulb in a criticality
beacon."
A criticality beacon is a red light, similar to the revolving lamp atop a
police car, that warns workers of spontaneous nuclear accidents.
The memo said it takes at least 43 people 1,087.1 hours to replace the
light under a new management system enacted by EG&G Inc., the private firm
operating Rocky Flats for the U.S. Department of Energy.
The same job used to take 12 workers 4.15 hours to accomplish, the memo
said.
The dramatic increase in time and labor was needed to bring the plant up to
safety standards, managers said. The light-bulb replacement procedure is
one of dozens of changes adopted at Rocky Flats under a new "safety first"
culture at the Energy Department.
"The safety and rigor that we have put in place at Rocky Flats is now equal
to those standards in other nuclear industries," said Wilkinson, the plant
EG&G executive who has directed the change in procedures. "All this work
that we've been doing here in the past two years is to provide people with
the confidence in our ability to run this facility....The (old method) was
quicker, but it did not provide the same levels of control and safety you
get by meeting the industry standards."
It's much more complicated to change a light bulb at Rocky Flats than at
home, he noted. If a replacement bulb fails at home, you simply screw in a
new one. But there's no room for error in a criticality beacon, because it
warns of a catastrophic accident. Besides, he said, bulbs sometimes must
be replaced in areas contaminated with radioactivity.
Still, the memo said, administrative and maintenance costs of some proposed
repairs at Rocky Flats have increased twelvefold under the new system,
called the Integrated Work Control Program. And the new rules' "super
conservatism" has hindered regular maintenance, it said.
"This is not to belittle improved work control discipline, but to highlight
how difficult such tasks have become," the memo stated.
The Feb. 10 memo was written by J.M. Kersh of EG&G's environmental and
waste management department and addressed to Jim Zane, EG&G's Rocky Flats
plant manager. A copy was provided to The Denver Post by another Rocky
Flats employee who believes the new rules have become an unrealistic burden
on operations at the plutonium trigger factory.
Before the rules were enacted two years ago, workers had to follow 12 steps
to change a light bulb in a criticality beacon, the memo said.
They were to check storage rooms to make sure the bulbs were in stock, talk
to other people who had done the job before, direct electricians to change
the bulb, have the electricians clean up afterward, and require the
building manager and a foreman to sign off on the task to ensure that it
was done correctly.
The new procedure has 33 steps. It calls for a lead planner to meet with
six other people at a work control meeting; talk with other people who have
done the job before; meet again; get signatures from five people at that
work-control meeting; get the project plans approved by separate officials
overseeing safety, logistics, environmental, maintenance, operations, waste
management and plant scheduling; wait for a monthly criticality beacon
test; direct electricians to replace the bulb; and then test and verify the
repair.
Many of the steps are written in language only a bureaucrat could love.
For example, step 13: "SES reviews the Work Package and fills out the SES
form. The Planner is notified to pick up the package when the SES is
complete. The package is in SES for approximately one week. Since this
time Logistics and PES are working on the BOM, no total time is given. The
man hours is and estimate of the actual time SES is working on the
package."
This step took 16 hours, the memo said.
And it would take 20 more steps - and 854.1 more hours - before the light
bulb finally could be changed.
The 33 Steps
Here is a summary of the 33 steps needed to change a light bulb in a safety
beacon at the Rocky Flats nuclear weapons plant, according to an internal
memo by EG&G Inc., the private firm operating the factory for the U.S.
Department of Energy.
1. Receive Work Control Form from scheduling.
2. Lead planner discusses Work Control Form at Work Control Meeting (seven
workers).
3. 24-hour delay between Work Control Meeting and dry run of light-bulb
repair.
4. Dry run of light bulb replacement (four workers).
5. One day for all dry-run participants to fill out comment sheets and
return them to planner.
6. Planner formally proposes Work Package to replace light bulb (one
worker).
7. Planner gives Work Package to Lead Planner to submit to Work Control
Meeting for approvals.
8. Work Package is reviewed and changed by attendeed of Work Control
Meeting (five workers).
9. Work Package returned to Planner with changes from Work Control
Meeting.
10. Planner revises Work Package to include changes (one worker).
11. 48-hour wait until next Work Control Meeting.
12. Planner delivers copy of Work Package to nuclear safety officials (one
worker).
13. Nuclear safety officials fill out Safety Evaluation Screen forms.
14. Planner delivers Safety Evaluation Screen form to Operations Manager
for signing.
15. Planner returns signed Safety Evaluation Screen form to nuclear safety
officials (one worker).
16. Planner gives copy of Work Package to Logistics officials (one worker).
17. Logistics sends Work Package to Production Engineering Support
officials (one worker).
18. Production assigns a procurement specification number to the light bulb
and any other needed parts. Bill of materials sent to worker who
orders the light bulb (two workers).
19. Planner delivers approvals from Production and nuclear safety officials
to Operations Manager.
20. Operations Manager schedules the Work Package to be presented at the
Waste Operations Review Committee meeting.
21. 72-hour delay until Waste Operations Review Committee meeting.
22. Waste Operations Review Committee hears a 15-minute presentation on
proposed light-bulb replacement (six worker).
23. 24-hour delay to ship Work Package from Waste Operations Review
Committee to Scheduling.
24. Work Package is sent to Scheduling to be put on "ready to work" status
(one worker).
25. Light-bulb replacement scheduled to be done at next Criticality Beacon
Test (one worker).
26. Two-week average delay for monthly Criticality Beacon Test.
27. Inspector is notified of time to watch the installation and testing of
light bulb (one worker).
28. Parts, tools and ladders are assembled and moved to the job site (two
workers).
29. Electricians change light (two workers).
30. Inspector verifies that proper light bulb is installed (one worker).
31. Job site is cleaned up and tools are removed (two workers).
32. Criticality Beacon is checked for proper operation during regular
Criticality Beacon Test (three workers).
33. Scheduler closes out and files Work Package.
TOTAL ELAPSED TIME: 1,087.1 hours.
TOTAL LABOR HOURS EXPENDED: 60.1 hours.
TOTAL TIME FOR ELECTRICIANS: 2.5 hours.
TOTAL WORKERS IDENTIFIED IN MEMO BY EG&G: 43.
Source: Feb. 10 memo by EG&G, titled 'Maintenance Backlog.'
####===================================================================####
THEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHEENDTHE
####===================================================================####
--Subink 1993 [Special Thanks to Lulu for dinner.]
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