626 lines
25 KiB
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626 lines
25 KiB
Plaintext
================================================================
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE VOL 1, 11
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================================================================
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
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Electronic Magazine" INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"
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* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSSS
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*** P P U U R R P P S
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***** P P U U R R P P S
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******* PPPPPP U U RRRRRR PPPPPP SSSSS
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********* P U U R R P S
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*********** P U U R RR P S
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***** P UUUUU R R P SSSSSS
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***** * *
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***** ** **
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***** *** ***
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***** **** ****
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* **** * ** **
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*** *** *** ** **
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**** * ***** ** **
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************************************ ** **
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**************************************** ** **
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************************************ ** **
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**** ***** ***** ** **
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*** ***** *** ** **
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* ***** * ** **
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***** ** **
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***** * *
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***** ========
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***** |Golden|
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***** |.11th.|
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*********** |issue.|
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********* ========
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*******
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*****
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***
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*
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________________________________________________________________
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
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LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS
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Introduction: A Short History of the Thunderbolt of Spode!
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News: Should casual Drug Users be Shot?
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OTISian Rants: The Members React to Purps
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Other Rants: The Worst Country Song Titles EVER, a Word from Mike
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Dow (who, rumor has it, used to run this place), The Usenet
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Oracle Speaks!, The Illuminati!
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Members list: The new, updated FULLY REVISED members list
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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INTRODUCTION
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(11 issues of Success)
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Welcome to the pardon-us-as-we-sit-on-our-own-horn golden
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11th issue of the Purple Thunderbolt of Spode, still Kenyon
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College's ONLY non-alien run magazine.
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As you are probably well aware it is a long standing
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tradition of periodicals that, upon reaching some landmark issue,
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like the 50th or the 11th, to dedicate an unusually long
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editorial to the kind of shameless self-back patting one usually
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expects from senators and sports figures. Well, we here at the
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Purple Thunderbolt would hate to break a long standing tradition
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but we are a little short on space, seeing as how we have lots of
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stuff this week which is far more interesting than hearing me
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talk. So let me give a very BRIEF history of the magazine,
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welcome our new members (of which there are several), and we'll
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get on with it.
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As you all know, Purps was not always the great and glorious
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enterprise you see before you today. Started in a shoe box in a
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back alley in the roughest section of DesMonies, Iowa almost 11
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issues ago, by a rough an tumble bunch of neo-Jesuit Apocalyptic
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nuns led by the now legendary Sister Mary Truman. The early
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issues of Purps were marked by a long string of territorial knife
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fights (where the good sister held her own), the infamous yak
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tossing scandal, and Sister Mary's disappointing defeat in the
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bid for the presidency (in 1989). We pulled through, however,
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despite the lawsuits lobbed against us by animal rights groups
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(including the infamous International Yak Liberation Front, now
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safely in the custody of the Tibetan authorities) by, in
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retrospect, something just a little bit short of a divine miracle
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struggling all the way until we finally achieved fame when we
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became a fortune five hundred company after a very very very
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small, tiny really, government financed bailout in late 1990.
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Today, of course, Purps remains the most well known of all the
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popular taxidermy magazines in America with a virtual corner on
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the huge "dentist office reading" market, and the favorite
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electronic journal of several very well known dead people.
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We here at Purps are proud to have, just this week, made it
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to the top of the FBI's most wanted list, proud to have been
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able, just a few short issues ago to, with the help of you, our
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beloved readers, have been able to make a small (and entirely tax
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free) contribution to the Bay Area Doctor's brave Campaign for
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the Prevention of Inherited Flatulence, proud of all of the
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achievements of our staff of thousands (give or take) and proud,
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very proud, to have been able to have faithfully served you, our
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beloved readers, for almost 11 issues. Thank you, and OTIS bless
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you.
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(Excuse us while we wipe our tears off the terminal).
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Alright. We have new members. For them, welcome! We have
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also updated our distribution list; it will be appended at the
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end of this article. Memorize it to avoid the embarrassing
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necessity of name tags when we're finally rounded up by the FBI
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and stuck in a cell together. Please remember the Pope's b-day
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party, here, at Kenyon College, possibly in Ernst center,
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possibly in Scott Simpson's half of his room in the New
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Apartments. We expect almost 40 people (almost being a highly
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relative term, could be 80, could be four) and a wild time. It's
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on the 9th, in the evening. ALL are invited. If you can get
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here somehow and want to come, e-mail to the address above for
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directions.
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"Pope" Jeffe I
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of the IGHF
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Purps: fully compatible with the Eunuchs operating system (TM)
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_______
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News
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-------
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PURPS.STUFF-- Lots more files in the ol' Purps archives, 10,000
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VAXen blocks all told. Check 'em out local) or write for a list
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(internet). They're nifty.
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=================================================================
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OTISIAN NEWS
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=================================================================
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_L.A. Police Chief Urges Shooting Casual Users_
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Washington - Casual drug users "ought to be taken out and
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shot," the Los Angeles police chief, Daryl F. Gates, has told a
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Senate hearing on the first anniversary of the Bush
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administration's war on drugs.
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Mr. Gates, discussing his comment to the Senate Judiciary
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Committee on Wednesday, said his harsh assessment was aimed at
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those "who blast some pot on a casual basis" despite the
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illegality of the act, as opposed to hard-core addicts who are
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driven by their physical need for illicit drugs.
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Mr. Gates said in an interview outside the hearing that
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he was not being facetious. "We're in a war," he said, and even
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casual drug use "is treason."
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=================================================================
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An Important Investment Tip
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Lai See - South China Morning Post - 12 November 1990
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Lawyer David Gunson has discovered that investors should
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go short on insurers between 1992 and 1994. This is when the
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planets in the solar system will line up in order from the sun.
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It will be the first time in 25,000 years.
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"It may well be accompanied by gravitational stress on our
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jolly little planet's tectonic plates," he said.
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********************************************************
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OTHER NEWS
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********************************************************
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Some excerpts from Fortean Times #55 (Autumn 1990):
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On 10 February 1989 the inhabitants of the tiny town of Fyffe in
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Alabama witnessed the return to earth of the late glittering pianist
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Liberace (double-size, 12 foot tall), who descended from a golden
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banana-shaped spacecraft via a moving stairway* and treated the
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lucky witnesses to a medley of Hollywood show-stoppers, with
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glowing fingers on a floating piano. Talk of the apparition brought
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chaos to the town with 4,000 cars jamming the main street on 6
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March 1989. An "American UFO expert" said: "Too many people have
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seen strange things for it to be a hoax."
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(Portsmouth) News, D. Star 7 Mar 1989.
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[Actually an OTIS escalator, eds]
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***************************************************************************
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An estimated 41,000 Parisians got a nasty shock through the post
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last year--a letter accusing the recipient of murder, extortion and
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organizing prostitution in the French capital.
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Embarrassed Justice Ministry officials explained that a computer
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had mixed up a list of suspects who had jumped bail with one
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containing the names of people guilty of minor parking violations.
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The good news for citizens who unexpectedly found themselves on
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a police "Most Wanted" list was a paragraph in each letter informing
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them of the penalty for their capital crime: a small fine equivalent to
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that imposed on those issued with parking tickets.
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MIS Week (US) 11 Sept 1989.
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***************************************************************************
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Troy Brewer, a Pizza delivery man, was robbed of $50 on 5 June
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1990 by two men armed with a snapping turtle in Balch Springs,
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Texas. He was in a phone booth when the men came up to him, put
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the turtle to his face and said: "Don't move or you're gonna get bit."
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South Wales Echo 8 June 19, 1990
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***************************************************************************
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_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 October 1990
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_Dead Reckoning_
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An excerpt from a research paper done on geriatric patients in Hong
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Kong:
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"After one year, among the 141 patients studied in the first phase,
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37 were dead. The dead and the survived were compared in terms of various
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aspects of functioning. It was found that, in all five dimensions of
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functioning, the dead were generally weaker.
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"The dead had poorer self-perceived economic conditions. More of
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them thought that their economic resources were not adequate for them to
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make ends meet ..."
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"The dead also demonstrated a higher level of anxiety than the
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survived as they found life dull and had more worries ... "
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"By and large, fewer dead patients had been able to perform
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activities to maintain an independent household, e.g. moving around,
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preparing meal, doing household work and washing light clothing.
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"Finally, the dead patients had fewer social contacts and more of
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them were living alone than the survived."
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---------------------------------------------------------------
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OTISIAN RANTS
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---------------------------------------------------------------
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(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
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revealed!)
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[My contract states that I only have to work 24 days a year, so every now
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and then I like to turn this portion of the magazine over to you, our most
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beloved faithful followers. Seldom, if ever, do you lazy snails rise to the
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challenge, but after repeated pleas for interesting messages for this
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issue... the Golden 11th. I got a few responses.
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Anyway, I thought that at this point it would be nice to hear what you all
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thought about Purps. Drew, at least, had this to say... PJ]
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From: VAX001::DAILINGE "IGNATZ PIGFATZ" 13-DEC-1990 01:47:41.06
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To: VAX001::STEVENSJ
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Subj: RE: dis this purps for me, will ya?
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many thanks, oh great and all-powerful
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mind-screwer/computer-file-extortionist master from outer east hell. tis
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much appreciated, and shan't be soon forgotten love
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drew
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Dan's mind, on the other hand was, well, elsewhere.]
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From: VAX001::CHADWICK "Alfred <20>berhacker Makertail ('Squirrel')"
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CC: CHADWICK
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From: VAX001::CHADWICK "Alfred <20>berhacker Makertail ('Squirrel')"
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12-NOV-1990 18:49:32.41
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To: VAX001::MERRIMAN
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CC: CHADWICK
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Subj: OK, here's one for thought...
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I wonder when/if they'll invent hallucinogenetics?
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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[Here's an unsolicited endorsement.]
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From: VAX001::WINS%"an347@cleveland.Freenet.Edu" 14-DEC-1990 15:27:04
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Subj: Purps
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Fantastic, I love it!
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--
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|"Pope" Jeofe I of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes \
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|pob 235
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|Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA |
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| "Everything forbidden is optional." HAIL OTIS!!!! /
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: VAX001::KURELLJJ "I AM FOR AN ART THAT RAPES THE SENSES"
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30-DEC-1990 14:21:09.61
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To: FISH, TOPHER, GNOME, PUCK, DIRECTAR, FLEA, DREW, LIZARD, HANA, YARA,
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BOING, JEZEBEL, BRENTZEL
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Subj: welcome home my wonderous conglomerate!
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From: VAX001::KURELLJJ "I AM THE ANTITHISIS OF EVERYTHING I AM"
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From: VAX001::GILGORE 12-NOV-1990
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From: VAX001::KURELLJJ "TO GET TO MAIL FROM WP, HIT SHELL, NUMBER 2,
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AND TYPE MAIL, CAUSE CORN IS THE MOST EXCITING THING IN MY LIFE"
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Whatz up, my little thingy of hydrogenous delight?
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I'm just a passing the time, till the meeting...
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going? or staying.
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or are you praying,
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Slaying?
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sleighing?
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Fraying,
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maybe pipe-laying?
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sky-scraping?
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touche' ing?
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conglomerating?
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masturbating
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belaying?
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congregating?
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flagellating?
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Debating
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filleting
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debasing?
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singing?
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bringing?
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ding-a-linging?
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exiting?
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carousing?
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grazing?
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delaying?
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augmenting?
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Reading?
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Incubating?
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Dancing?
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prancing?
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shmoozing?
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boozing?
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Toot-tooting?
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rotor-rooting?
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cloth fraying?
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clothing making?
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igniting?
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flaming?
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snake-charming?
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roller-skating?
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head shaking at this completely senseless pile of compu-junk?
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Hope you all had sufficiently decent breaks, hope that santa didn't bring
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coal, and that all is generally safe in the quiet lives of the people that
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are watching you day in, day out.
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Enjoy!!
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-Jed
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: VAX001::SCHROEDER "Screaming Prophet of OTIS Triumphant"
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To: JAMES SCOTT REID CHRIS JEFFE
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Subj: This is your brain on philosophy
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Always thought that a child's mental processes must be a bit simple, yes,
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perhaps that nothing too complicated could be going on in an unformed mind?
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Well, check this out:
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"The child is viewed as using his primary linguistic data either
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to decide among the candidate grammars that an innately represented
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'General Linguistic Theory' enumerates or to 'calibrate' endogenous rule
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schemas by fixing parameter values that the innate endowment leaves
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unspecified. This sort of story makes perfectly good sense so long as
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what is innate is viewed as having propositional content: as expressing
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linguistic universals, or rule schemas, or whatever. But it makes no sense
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at all on the opposite assumption."
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That's from _The_Modularity_of_Mind_ by Jerry Fodor, one of the books I'm
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likely to be doing my comps on. Whee.
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-Rob S.
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===============================================================
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OTHER RANTS
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===============================================================
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(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)
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THIS WEEK: The absolute worst of the 1990 Country Songs, Mike Dow (who ran
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the original Purps, comments on this incarnation., gets shotgun, The Oracle
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Speaks! and the Illuminatti Sing!, Will Shatner gets the Last Word, MORE!
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Return-Path: <@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU:LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET>
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YEAR'S WORST COUNTRY SONG TITLES - PART II
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By Mike Harden, Scripps Howard News Service
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* If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife
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* Timber, I'm Falling in Love
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* You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving
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* Love Will Beat Your Brains Out
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* You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes (By the Company He Chooses)
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* I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past
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* Play Me or Trade Me
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* She Can't Get My Love off the Bed
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* I Got Tears in My Eyes From Lying on My Back Crying on My Pillow Over You
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* Sleeping Single in a Double Bed
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* The Pint of No Return
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* Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns
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* Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart
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* The Wife of the Party
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* It Ain't Love but It Ain't Bad
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* Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show
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* Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone
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* Don't Let That Doorknob Hit You (on the Way Out)
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* You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without
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* This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck
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* You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often
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* Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In
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* How Long Does It Take a Memory To Drown
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* I Forgot How Bad My Good Woman Could Be
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* Now I lay Me Down To Cheat
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* You Done Stomped on My Heart (and Smashed That Sucker Flat)
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* Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind
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* Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox
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* My Legs Won't Walk Away From You
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* You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat
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* Take Me to Heaven (Before You Take Me Home)
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* What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This
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* I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral
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* Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed
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* Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy
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* If You Can Live With It (I Can Live Without It)
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* She Got the Gold Mine (I Got the Shaft)
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* Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night
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* Hell Stays Open All Night
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* She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World
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* I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box
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* I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back
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* You Won't Be Back But George and Jack Will Help Me Make It Through the
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Night
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* Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side
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* The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had
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* If the Phone Doesn't Ring It's Me
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* I've Got a Funny Feeling (I Won't Be Feeling Funny Very Long)
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* Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger (When You Go Out at Night)
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* Lay Back Down and Love Me and Leave the Leavin' for Later On
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* How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32?
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* I Knew I'd Lean (But I Never Thought I'd Fall)
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* She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye
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* We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over
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* You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
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* If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You)
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* Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind
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* It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good
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* I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
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* Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth (Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye)
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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From: VAX001::WINS%"M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk" 18-JAN-1991 08:42:44.40
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To: STEVENSJ
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Subj: RE: Happy Wednesday.
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After sleeping on the matter(after finally giving up on hearing some solid
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answers as to whether Tel Aviv has been nerve-gassed) I have decided that I
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really like the changes you have made. They seem to be much more in tune
|
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with the new computing situation at Kenyon, the tastes of the people at
|
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Kenyon, and in general promises to keep things from getting stale. You just
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surprised me, is all. Hail OTIS!!!
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Oh, btw, there's a large Otis symbol in one of the men's stalls in Queens.
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I wrote Hail Otis next to it, to sort of claim it before some other religion
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got to it.
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mike
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
|
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Your question was:
|
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|
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> How can i learn to play the fluet?
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||
And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
|
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} The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by
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} the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve
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} form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut
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} along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a
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} most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet.
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} Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you
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} are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature
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} but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn
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} that you strive.
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}
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} Godo lukc ot yuo.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Date: Thu, 20 Dec 90 09:43:00 EST
|
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From: Bill Marrs <bill@wpi.wpi.edu>
|
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Subject: a song
|
||
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu
|
||
|
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>From the Illuminati BBS Liebrary
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ILLUMINATI
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(To the tune of Eleanor Rigby)
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Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard
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used without permission
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Illuminati...
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They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door...
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What is it for?
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Illuminati
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Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green...
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What does it mean?
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The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know
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The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go
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Illuminati...
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Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow...
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Where are they now?
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Illuminati...
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Send an impostor in place of the Popsickle man...
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What is their plan?
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The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know
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The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go
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Illuminati...
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They canceled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car...
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Are they bizarre?
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You can't escape them:
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Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru
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They'll be there, too...
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The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know
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The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go
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I know that they know all about me...
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They know that I know all about them...
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Illuminati...
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Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text...
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Who will be next?
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They're all around us...
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Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see
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How can it be?
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They're in the attic and the cellar...
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Bigger than Hunt and Rockefeller...
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Illuminati...
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Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there...
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Why do they care?
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They're out to get me
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They're fluoridating my water from their UFO...
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What do they know?
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The Illuminati... They're everywhere, I see
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The Illuminati... And no one knows but me
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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To prove to you that Purps isn't at all opposed to a public service message
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or two...
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From: MTG@csi.compuserve.com
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Subject: Watch those fingers!
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I just got my latest issue of the American Family Association Journal,
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and noticed a couple of toll-free numbers listed for:
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Philip Morris, International... 1-800-421-1003... who supports
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Senator Jesse Helms quite amply, and...
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Procter & Gamble... 1-800-543-7276... who give thousands of pets
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new, space-efficient homes, and give their lives new
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meaning and new value.
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I am sure that many of you dial 1-800 numbers regularly, and I just
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wanted to warn you of these two so when the opportunity arises, you can
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avoid their unnecessary expense of approximately $1 each time they answer
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your call.
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Dial safely!
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- Mark G.
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Rick Moen - via RBBS-NET node 8:914/201
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INTERNET: moen@f207.n914.z8.RBBS-NET.ORG
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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LAST WORD!
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This Week, William Shattner
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From a San Jose Mercury News "Sunday magazine" interview with William
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Shatner:
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...The real kick about directing science fiction is that you can start from
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a clean slate. You can invent things to your heart's content and you don't
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necessarily have to explain how it works. For example, in *Star Trek V* we
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shot a scene -- it doesn't appear in the finished film; I don't know exactly
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why we cut it -- where Kirk and Spock have to make a visit to the men's
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room. And the camera angle shows them from the waist up, a frontal view;
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they're just standing there, several feet apart. They don't fuss around
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with their zippers or anything. There are none of the sounds you associate
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with a trip to the men's room; just Kirk and Spock looking slightly bored.
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After a half-minute or so they just walk away -- they're finished. Well,
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how did they complete their mission? That's up to the audience to speculate
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on.
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---------------------------------------------------------------------------
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AND FINALLY, AS PROMISED, THE COMPLETE MEMBERS LIST!
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Know who your friends are.
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WINS%"<@PSUVM.PSU.EDU:JJANZECZEK@SKIDMORE.BITNET>"
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WINS%"<@PSUVM.PSU.EDU:lbspodic@usthk.bitnet>"
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WINS%"<M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk>"
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WINS%"FSWOF%ALASKA.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU"
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WINS%"R3JMT%AKRONVM@vm1.cc.UAKRON.edu"
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WINS%"U91_RBAIN@VAXC.STEVENS-TECH.EDU"
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WINS%"barker@acc.fau.edu"
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WINS%"bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu"
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WINS%"el@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu"
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WINS%"lancer@wpi.wpi.edu"
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WINS%"liza@media-lab.media.mit.edu"
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asaro
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barth
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brentzel
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broadie
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carrott
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chadwick
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chamberb
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cunningh
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dailinge
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denhartog
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fitzgera
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gregory
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griffins
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hamrick
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hessoun
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hillv
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holdcraf
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hopkinsm
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keeling
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kinge
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kleinsr
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koehlers
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kurelljj
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lane
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margaret
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matusek
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matzke
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model
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murray
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myott
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neffa
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nowell
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pomper
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reehal
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schroeder
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shutt
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simpsons
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snyder
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stevensj
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tucker
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waddell
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zecchin
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The "Golden 11th" issue of The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode owes nearly all
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of its existence to Spode himself, the living ancient Celtic god of
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confusion. I thank him very much, and OTIS for the grace to put this thing
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out. There. I've said it. Take the gun away from my head.
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________________________________________________________________
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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE Golden 11th
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----------------------------------------------------------------
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Neither censored nor edited. Deal.
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