textfiles/magazines/PURPS/purps11

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THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE                        VOL 1, 11 
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"Kenyon's Very Own Non Alien Run            REPLIES TO: STEVENSJ
Electronic Magazine"      INTERNET: "Stevensj@VAX001.Kenyon.edu"

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                  *****                           |Golden| 
                  *****                           |.11th.|   
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SOMETHING WHICH MIGHT, IN THE CORRECT FRAME OF MIND, LOOK SORT OF
LIKE A TABLE OF CONTENTS

Introduction: A Short History of the Thunderbolt of Spode!

News:  Should casual Drug Users be Shot?

OTISian Rants: The Members React to Purps

Other Rants: The Worst Country Song Titles EVER, a Word from Mike
Dow (who, rumor has it, used to run this place), The Usenet
Oracle Speaks!, The Illuminati!

Members list:  The new, updated FULLY REVISED members list
----------------------------------------------------------------
INTRODUCTION
(11 issues of Success)

     Welcome to the pardon-us-as-we-sit-on-our-own-horn golden
11th issue of the Purple Thunderbolt of Spode, still Kenyon
College's ONLY non-alien run magazine.

     As you are probably well aware it is a long standing
tradition of periodicals that, upon reaching some landmark issue,
like the 50th or the 11th, to dedicate an unusually long
editorial to the kind of shameless self-back patting one usually
expects from senators and sports figures.  Well, we here at the
Purple Thunderbolt would hate to break a long standing tradition
but we are a little short on space, seeing as how we have lots of
stuff this week which is far more interesting than hearing me
talk.  So let me give a very BRIEF history of the magazine,
welcome our new members (of which there are several), and we'll
get on with it.

     As you all know, Purps was not always the great and glorious
enterprise you see before you today.  Started in a shoe box in a
back alley in the roughest section of DesMonies, Iowa almost 11
issues ago, by a rough an tumble bunch of neo-Jesuit Apocalyptic
nuns led by the now legendary Sister Mary Truman. The early
issues of Purps were marked by a long string of territorial knife
fights (where the good sister held her own), the infamous yak
tossing scandal, and Sister Mary's disappointing defeat in the
bid for the presidency (in 1989).  We pulled through, however,
despite the lawsuits lobbed against us by animal rights groups
(including the infamous International Yak Liberation Front, now
safely in the custody of the Tibetan authorities) by, in
retrospect, something just a little bit short of a divine miracle
struggling all the way until we finally achieved fame when we
became a fortune five hundred company after a very very very
small, tiny really, government financed bailout in late 1990. 
Today, of course, Purps remains the most well known of all the
popular taxidermy magazines in America with a virtual corner on
the huge "dentist office reading" market, and the favorite
electronic journal of several very well known dead people.

     We here at Purps are proud to have, just this week, made it
to the top of the FBI's most wanted list, proud to have been
able, just a few short issues ago to, with the help of you, our
beloved readers, have been able to make a small (and entirely tax
free) contribution to the Bay Area Doctor's brave Campaign for
the Prevention of Inherited Flatulence, proud of all of the
achievements of our staff of thousands (give or take) and proud,
very proud, to have been able to have faithfully served you, our
beloved readers, for almost 11 issues.  Thank you, and OTIS bless
you.

     (Excuse us while we wipe our tears off the terminal).

     Alright.  We have new members.  For them, welcome!  We have
also updated our distribution list; it will be appended at the
end of this article.  Memorize it to avoid the embarrassing
necessity of name tags when we're finally rounded up by the FBI
and stuck in a cell together.  Please remember the Pope's b-day
party, here, at Kenyon College, possibly in Ernst center,
possibly in Scott Simpson's half of his room in the New
Apartments.  We expect almost 40 people (almost being a highly
relative term, could be 80, could be four) and a wild time.  It's
on the 9th, in the evening.  ALL are invited.  If you can get
here somehow and want to come, e-mail to the address above for
directions.

                                        "Pope" Jeffe I
                                         of the IGHF
Purps: fully compatible with the Eunuchs operating system (TM)

_______
News
-------

PURPS.STUFF-- Lots more files in the ol' Purps archives, 10,000
VAXen blocks all told.  Check 'em out local) or write for a list
(internet).  They're nifty.

=================================================================
OTISIAN NEWS
=================================================================
_L.A. Police Chief Urges Shooting Casual Users_ 
 
        Washington - Casual drug users "ought to be taken out and
shot," the Los Angeles police chief, Daryl F. Gates, has told a
Senate hearing on the first anniversary of the Bush
administration's war on drugs. 
        Mr. Gates, discussing his comment to the Senate Judiciary
Committee on Wednesday, said his harsh assessment was aimed at 
those "who blast some pot on a casual basis" despite the
illegality of  the act, as opposed to hard-core addicts who are
driven by their physical need for illicit drugs. 
        Mr. Gates said in an interview outside the hearing that
he was not being facetious.  "We're in a war," he said, and even
casual drug use "is treason." 
=================================================================
An Important Investment Tip

Lai See - South China Morning Post - 12 November 1990
        Lawyer David Gunson has discovered that investors should
go short on insurers between 1992 and 1994. This is when the
planets in the solar system will line up in order from the sun. 
It will be the first time in 25,000 years.
     "It may well be accompanied by gravitational stress on our
jolly little planet's tectonic plates," he said.

********************************************************
OTHER NEWS
********************************************************
Some excerpts from Fortean Times #55 (Autumn 1990):

On 10 February 1989 the inhabitants of the tiny town of Fyffe in 
Alabama witnessed the return to earth of the late glittering pianist 
Liberace (double-size, 12 foot tall), who descended from a golden 
banana-shaped spacecraft via a moving stairway* and treated the 
lucky witnesses to a medley of Hollywood show-stoppers, with 
glowing fingers on a floating piano.  Talk of the apparition brought 
chaos to the town with 4,000 cars jamming the main street on 6 
March 1989.  An "American UFO expert" said: "Too many people have 
seen strange things for it to be a hoax."
(Portsmouth) News, D. Star 7 Mar 1989.
[Actually an OTIS escalator, eds]
***************************************************************************
An estimated 41,000 Parisians got a nasty shock through the post 
last year--a letter accusing the recipient of murder, extortion and 
organizing prostitution in the French capital.
   Embarrassed Justice Ministry officials explained that a computer 
had mixed up a list of suspects who had jumped bail with one 
containing the names of people guilty of minor parking violations.
   The good news for citizens who unexpectedly found themselves on 
a police "Most Wanted" list was a paragraph in each letter informing 
them of the penalty for their capital crime:  a small fine equivalent to 
that imposed on those issued with parking tickets.
MIS Week (US) 11 Sept 1989.
***************************************************************************
Troy Brewer, a Pizza delivery man, was robbed of $50 on 5 June 
1990 by two men armed with a snapping turtle in Balch Springs, 
Texas.  He was in a phone booth when the men came up to him, put 
the turtle to his face and said:  "Don't move or you're gonna get bit."
South Wales Echo 8 June 19, 1990
***************************************************************************
_Lai See_ - South China Morning Post - 3 October 1990

 _Dead Reckoning_

        An excerpt from a research paper done on geriatric patients in Hong
Kong:
        "After one year, among the 141 patients studied in the first phase,
37 were dead.  The dead and the survived were compared in terms of various
aspects of functioning.  It was found that, in all five dimensions of
functioning, the dead were generally weaker.
        "The dead had poorer self-perceived economic conditions.  More of
 them thought that their economic resources were not adequate for them to
 make ends meet ..."
        "The dead also demonstrated a higher level of anxiety than the
survived as they found life dull and had more worries ... "
        "By and large, fewer dead patients had been able to perform
activities to maintain an independent household, e.g. moving around,
preparing meal, doing household work and washing light clothing.
        "Finally, the dead patients had fewer social contacts and more of
them were living alone than the survived."
---------------------------------------------------------------
OTISIAN RANTS
---------------------------------------------------------------
(in which everything worth knowing about absolutely everything will be
revealed!)

[My contract states that I only have to work 24 days a year, so every now
and then I like to turn this portion of the magazine over to you, our most
beloved faithful followers.  Seldom, if ever, do you lazy snails rise to the
challenge, but after repeated pleas for interesting messages for this
issue... the Golden 11th.  I got a few responses.

Anyway,  I thought that at this point it would be nice to hear what you all
thought about Purps.  Drew, at least, had this to say...  PJ]

From:  VAX001::DAILINGE     "IGNATZ PIGFATZ" 13-DEC-1990 01:47:41.06
To:    VAX001::STEVENSJ
Subj:  RE: dis this purps for me, will ya?

many thanks, oh great and all-powerful
mind-screwer/computer-file-extortionist  master from outer east hell.  tis
much appreciated, and shan't be soon forgotten                      love    
         drew
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Dan's mind, on the other hand was, well, elsewhere.]

From:  VAX001::CHADWICK     "Alfred <20>berhacker Makertail ('Squirrel')"
CC:    CHADWICK

From:  VAX001::CHADWICK     "Alfred <20>berhacker Makertail ('Squirrel')"
12-NOV-1990 18:49:32.41
To:    VAX001::MERRIMAN
CC:    CHADWICK
Subj:  OK, here's one for thought...

I wonder when/if they'll invent hallucinogenetics?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Here's an unsolicited endorsement.]

From:  VAX001::WINS%"an347@cleveland.Freenet.Edu" 14-DEC-1990 15:27:04
Subj:  Purps

Fantastic, I love it!

--
|"Pope" Jeofe I of the Intergalactic House of Fruitcakes        \
|pob 235
|Williamstown, MA 01267-0235 USA                                 |
| "Everything forbidden is optional." HAIL OTIS!!!!       /
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From:  VAX001::KURELLJJ     "I AM FOR AN ART THAT RAPES THE SENSES"
30-DEC-1990 14:21:09.61
To:    FISH, TOPHER, GNOME, PUCK, DIRECTAR, FLEA, DREW, LIZARD, HANA, YARA,
BOING, JEZEBEL, BRENTZEL
Subj:  welcome home my wonderous conglomerate!

From:  VAX001::KURELLJJ     "I AM THE ANTITHISIS OF EVERYTHING I AM"
From:  VAX001::GILGORE      12-NOV-1990 
From:  VAX001::KURELLJJ     "TO GET TO MAIL FROM WP, HIT SHELL, NUMBER 2,
AND TYPE MAIL, CAUSE CORN IS THE MOST EXCITING THING IN MY LIFE"

Whatz up, my little thingy of hydrogenous delight?
I'm just a passing the time, till the meeting...
going? or staying.
or are you praying,
Slaying?
sleighing?
Fraying,
maybe pipe-laying?
sky-scraping?
touche' ing?
conglomerating?
masturbating
belaying?
congregating?
flagellating?
Debating
filleting
debasing?
singing?
bringing?
ding-a-linging?
exiting?
carousing?
grazing?
delaying?
augmenting?
Reading?
Incubating?
Dancing?
prancing?
shmoozing?
boozing?
Toot-tooting?
rotor-rooting?
cloth fraying?
clothing making?
igniting?
flaming?
snake-charming?
roller-skating?
head shaking at this completely senseless pile of compu-junk?
Hope you all had sufficiently decent breaks, hope that santa didn't bring
coal, and that all is generally safe in the quiet lives of the people that
are watching you day in, day out.
Enjoy!!
-Jed
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
From:  VAX001::SCHROEDER    "Screaming Prophet of OTIS Triumphant"
To:    JAMES SCOTT REID CHRIS JEFFE
Subj:  This is your brain on philosophy

Always thought that a child's mental processes must be a bit simple, yes,
perhaps that nothing too complicated could be going on in an unformed mind?
Well, check this out:
  "The child is viewed as using his primary linguistic data either
to decide among the candidate grammars that an innately represented
'General Linguistic Theory' enumerates or to 'calibrate' endogenous rule
schemas by fixing parameter values that the innate endowment leaves
unspecified.  This sort of story makes perfectly good sense so long as
what is innate is viewed as having propositional content:  as expressing
linguistic universals, or rule schemas, or whatever.  But it makes no sense
at all on the opposite assumption."
That's from _The_Modularity_of_Mind_ by Jerry Fodor, one of the books I'm
likely to be doing my comps on.  Whee.  
       -Rob S.
===============================================================
OTHER RANTS
===============================================================
(in which absolutely nothing will be revealed at all)

THIS WEEK:  The absolute worst of the 1990 Country Songs, Mike Dow (who ran
the original Purps, comments on this incarnation., gets shotgun, The Oracle
Speaks! and the Illuminatti Sing!, Will Shatner gets the Last Word, MORE!

Return-Path: <@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU:LBSPODIC@USTHK.BITNET> 
 
YEAR'S WORST COUNTRY SONG TITLES - PART II 
By Mike Harden, Scripps Howard News Service 
 
* If You Don't Believe I Love You Just Ask My Wife 
* Timber, I'm Falling in Love 
* You're the First Time I Thought About Leaving 
* Love Will Beat Your Brains Out 
* You Can Tell the Man Who Boozes (By the Company He Chooses) 
* I Think I'll Drink Myself Into the Past 
* Play Me or Trade Me 
* She Can't Get My Love off the Bed 
* I Got Tears in My Eyes From Lying on My Back Crying on My Pillow Over You
* Sleeping Single in a Double Bed 
* The Pint of No Return 
* Your Negligee Has Turned to Flannel Nightgowns 
* Guess My Eyes Were Bigger Than My Heart 
* The Wife of the Party 
* It Ain't Love but It Ain't Bad 
* Would Jesus Wear A Rolex on His Television Show 
* Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone 
* Don't Let That Doorknob Hit You (on the Way Out) 
* You're Out Doing What I'm Here Doing Without 
* This Time I'm Gonna Beat You to the Truck 
* You Blacked My Blue Eyes Once Too Often 
* Walk Out Backwards Slowly So I'll Think You're Walking In 
* How Long Does It Take a Memory To Drown 
* I Forgot How Bad My Good Woman Could Be 
* Now I lay Me Down To Cheat 
* You Done Stomped on My Heart (and Smashed That Sucker Flat) 
* Let Me Love the Leavin' from Your Mind 
* Somebody Shoot Out the Jukebox 
* My Legs Won't Walk Away From You 
* You'd Make an Angel Want to Cheat 
* Take Me to Heaven (Before You Take Me Home) 
* What's a Fool Like Me Doing In a Love Like This 
* I've Been Roped and Throwed by Jesus in the Holy Ghost Corral 
* Get Your Biscuits in the Oven and Your Buns in the Bed 
* Jesus Is a Good Ole Boy 
* If You Can Live With It (I Can Live Without It) 
* She Got the Gold Mine (I Got the Shaft) 
* Somebody Must Have Loved You Right Last Night 
* Hell Stays Open All Night 
* She Gave Her Heart to Jethro and Her Body to the Whole Danged World 
* I'd Be Better Off in a Pine Box 
* I've Got You on My Conscience But At Least You're Off My Back 
* You Won't Be Back But George and Jack Will Help Me Make It Through the
Night 
* Bridge Washed Out, I Can't Swim and My Baby's on the Other Side 
* The Worst You Ever Gave Me Was the Best I Ever Had 
* If the Phone Doesn't Ring It's Me 
* I've Got a Funny Feeling (I Won't Be Feeling Funny Very Long) 
* Does My Ring Hurt Your Finger (When You Go Out at Night) 
* Lay Back Down and Love Me and Leave the Leavin' for Later On 
* How Can a Whiskey Six Years Old Whip a Man That's 32? 
* I Knew I'd Lean (But I Never Thought I'd Fall) 
* She Even Woke Me Up to Say Goodbye 
* We Used to Just Kiss on the Lips But Now It's All Over 
* You're the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 
* If You Keep Checking Up on Me (I'm Checking Out on You) 
* Don't Come Home a-Drinkin' With Lovin' On Your Mind 
* It Don't Hurt Half as Bad as Holding You Feels Good 
* I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling 
* Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth (Because I'm Kissing You Goodbye) 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
From:  VAX001::WINS%"M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk" 18-JAN-1991 08:42:44.40
To:    STEVENSJ
Subj:  RE: Happy Wednesday.

After sleeping on the matter(after finally giving up on hearing some solid
answers as to whether Tel Aviv has been nerve-gassed) I have decided that I
really like the changes you have made.  They seem to be much more in tune
with the new computing situation at Kenyon, the tastes of the people at
Kenyon, and in general promises to keep things from getting stale.  You just
surprised me, is all.   Hail OTIS!!!

Oh, btw, there's a large Otis symbol in one of the men's stalls in Queens.
I wrote Hail Otis next to it, to sort of claim it before some other religion
got to it.
mike
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. 
Your question was: 
 
> How can i learn to play the fluet? 
 
And in response, thus spake the Oracle: 
 
} The fluet is an instrument with a great tradition; it was played by 
} the anceint Egyptains, The Romasn and the Greeks. In its most primitve 
} form, it consists of a simlpe tbue of wood with several hoels cut 
} along its lenght. By blwoing in the topmots hoel, you can produce a 
} most Sepulchrla Toen, one which so characterizes teh wonderful fluet. 
} Finally, it is by rapid figner motiosn across the otehr hoels that you 
} are able to produec a Wied Vareity of Toens, each Supulchrla in nature 
} but which as a whoel also form a great Harmoyn. It is for thsi Harmoyn 
} that you strive. 
} 
} Godo lukc ot yuo. 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Date: Thu, 20 Dec 90 09:43:00 EST 
From: Bill Marrs <bill@wpi.wpi.edu> 
Subject: a song 
To: subgenius@mc.lcs.mit.edu 
 
>From the Illuminati BBS Liebrary 
 
ILLUMINATI 
(To the tune of Eleanor Rigby) 
Steve Jackson, Joe Vail, Creede Lambard 
 
used without permission 
 
Illuminati... 
They put a thing made of tinfoil on top of my door... 
What is it for? 
Illuminati 
Shooting a ray at my cornflakes to make them turn green... 
What does it mean? 
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know 
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go 
 
Illuminati... 
Doing unspeakable things in the night to a cow... 
Where are they now? 
Illuminati... 
Send an impostor in place of the Popsickle man... 
What is their plan? 
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know 
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go 
 
Illuminati... 
They canceled Star Trek, The Fonz, and My Mother, the Car... 
Are they bizarre? 
You can't escape them: 
Even if you take a plane to Nepal or Peru 
They'll be there, too... 
The Illuminati... They're watching me, I know 
The Illuminati... They're everywhere I go 
 
I know that they know all about me... 
They know that I know all about them... 
 
Illuminati... 
Hide their assassins' instructions in newspaper text... 
Who will be next? 
They're all around us... 
Underline every third word in the Times and you'll see 
How can it be? 
 
They're in the attic and the cellar... 
Bigger than Hunt and Rockefeller... 
 
Illuminati... 
Go through my garbage and count all the pop bottles there... 
Why do they care? 
They're out to get me 
They're fluoridating my water from their UFO... 
What do they know? 
The Illuminati... They're everywhere, I see 
The Illuminati... And no one knows but me 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
To prove to you that Purps isn't at all opposed to a public service message
or two...

From: MTG@csi.compuserve.com
Subject: Watch those fingers!

    I just got my latest issue of the American Family Association Journal,
and noticed a couple of toll-free numbers listed for:

  Philip Morris, International... 1-800-421-1003... who supports
       Senator Jesse Helms quite amply, and...

  Procter & Gamble... 1-800-543-7276... who give thousands of pets
       new, space-efficient homes, and give their lives new
       meaning and new value.

    I am sure that many of you dial 1-800 numbers regularly, and I just
wanted to warn you of these two so when the opportunity arises, you can
avoid their unnecessary expense of approximately $1 each time they answer
your call.

    Dial safely!

- Mark G.
Rick Moen - via RBBS-NET node 8:914/201
INTERNET: moen@f207.n914.z8.RBBS-NET.ORG

---------------------------------------------------------------------------
LAST WORD!

This Week, William Shattner

From a San Jose Mercury News "Sunday magazine" interview with William
Shatner: 
 
 ...The real kick about directing science fiction is that you can start from
a clean slate.  You can invent things to your heart's content and you don't
necessarily have to explain how it works. For example, in *Star Trek V* we
shot a scene -- it doesn't appear in the finished film; I don't know exactly
why we cut it -- where Kirk and Spock have to make a visit to the men's
room.  And the camera angle shows them from the waist up, a frontal view;
they're just standing there, several feet apart.  They don't fuss around
with their zippers or anything.  There are none of the sounds you associate
with a trip to the men's room; just Kirk and Spock looking slightly bored. 
After a half-minute or so they just walk away -- they're finished.  Well,
how did they complete their mission?  That's up to the audience to speculate
on.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
AND FINALLY, AS PROMISED, THE COMPLETE MEMBERS LIST! 
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Know who your friends are.
WINS%"<@PSUVM.PSU.EDU:JJANZECZEK@SKIDMORE.BITNET>"
WINS%"<@PSUVM.PSU.EDU:lbspodic@usthk.bitnet>"
WINS%"<M.S.Dow@exeter.ac.uk>"
WINS%"FSWOF%ALASKA.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU"
WINS%"R3JMT%AKRONVM@vm1.cc.UAKRON.edu"
WINS%"U91_RBAIN@VAXC.STEVENS-TECH.EDU"        
WINS%"barker@acc.fau.edu"
WINS%"bwdavies@rodan.acs.syr.edu"
WINS%"el@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu"
WINS%"lancer@wpi.wpi.edu"
WINS%"liza@media-lab.media.mit.edu"
asaro 
barth
brentzel
broadie 
carrott
chadwick 
chamberb
cunningh
dailinge
denhartog
fitzgera 
gregory 
griffins
hamrick
hessoun
hillv 
holdcraf 
hopkinsm
keeling 
kinge 
kleinsr 
koehlers 
kurelljj 
lane
margaret 
matusek 
matzke 
model 
murray 
myott
neffa 
nowell 
pomper
reehal 
schroeder 
shutt 
simpsons 
snyder
stevensj
tucker 
waddell 
zecchin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The "Golden 11th" issue of The Purple Thunderbolt of Spode owes nearly all
of its existence to Spode himself, the living ancient Celtic god of
confusion.  I thank him very much, and OTIS for the grace to put this thing
out.  There.  I've said it.  Take the gun away from my head.
________________________________________________________________
THE PURPLE THUNDERBOLT OF SPODE                      Golden 11th 
----------------------------------------------------------------
Neither censored nor edited.  Deal.