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191 lines
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____________________________
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"âî/´œœ<C593> îœiçî />éé/>z" pâîzîïç:
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RED-006.TXT aka
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"Teen Angst for Fun and Profit!"
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by: Black Francis
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--[IMPORTANT NOTE FROM AUTHOR]--
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If you are offended by any of the following, fuck you. Learn to take a
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joke, asshole. If you're offended by the following, you're probably one of
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the dickheads I'm talking about.
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Ah well, I guess I'll have to take a break from writing my suicide letter
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to make this stupid article. I hate this article! I hate the world! I HATE
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EVERYTHING! Hehe. Boy, if I'm not a teenage stereotype waiting to happen.
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Stereotypes, in general, are bad. They're even worse when they have to do
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with me. Kind of like when you hear some stupid ass black comedian talk in
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their trademark white-person-voice. Basically, that's what all black
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comedians make their living on.. white jokes. That's not a stereotype,
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either. It's been proven. Here, play at home. Watch an episode of Def
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Comedy whatever and see for yourself. I'd be willing to bet my sweet bippy
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that each and every comedian will make some sort of stupid joke about white
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people, and use the extremely unoriginal white person voice, which was started
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by a very funny black comedian, Eddie Murphy. His 'bear and rabbit shitting
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in the woods' joke is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard in my
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entire life. I swear I pissed myself when I heard it for the first time.
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Maybe, just maybe, they would be funny, or at least remotely funny, if the
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jokes weren't so damn lame.
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"(in white person voice)Hi, I'm white! Let's go out and beat Rodney King!"
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"(in white person voice)Hi, I'm white! I hate them niggers!"
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"(in white person voice)Hi, I'm white! My ass is so small! Hahaha!"
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You get the point. What I'm leading up to is, essentially, everything is
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a huge stereotype. For example, my school is nothing but a giant stereotype.
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The jocks are dumb as mud. The blacks are straight out of the latest N.W.A
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album. The preps squeak when they walk. The skaters walk around carrying
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their skateboards so you KNOW that they're skaters. The wiggers.. well.. the
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wiggers are wiggers. Unfortunately, out of everyone that could possibly be
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stereotyped, teenagers get the worst rap. We're protrayed by the press and
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our elders as depressed, violent, back-talking, know-it-all, disrespectful
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little brats. I hate to say it, but behind every stereotype, is a very good
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amount of truth. But if you really think about it, mostly everyone, no matter
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what their age is, is most of those. Like, what the hell is wrong with the
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mailmen nowadays? What kind of pressure are these people under at work that
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would make them go to work with a large enough arsenal to take out a small
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mid-eastern country? It's not like they're in any hurry or anything.
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"Bob, could you possibly have this letter delivered by next year?"
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"That's it, man! (pulls out AK-47 and kills everyone in sight)"
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How come UPS delivery men don't go nuts? What about my little paperboy?
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I'm afraid of the little 12 year old bastard now. I tip him $20 every time
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he comes collecting so when it's his turn to go on his little rampage, maybe
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he'll spare me. I know he's carrying some kind of firearm in that little
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basket on the front of his bike. You can never be too careful. What about
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the pizza delivery guy? Sends a chill down my spine just thinking about it.
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Teenagers aren't a violent species. There are just a few assholes out
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there who think they're tough guys and feel they have to prove it everyone.
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Most of the time they're poor urban youths, who basically have nothing else
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to live for. That's still no excuse to go out and do some of the things that
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I've been hearing about lately. But violent is definitely NOT the worst
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teenage stereotype. It has to be the whole idea that we're all depressed
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suicidal morons lead by an even bigger moron, Kurt Cobain. Since when did
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I elect him to be my offical spokesman?
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"I want to eat your cancer when you turn black."
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Yeah, man, that's exactly what I was thinking. Wow, man, you express my
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pain sooo well. Fuck that. I don't need some stupid ass as my official
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spokesperson. I don't need a spokesperson. Spokespeople are for celebrities
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who are too damn stupid to speak for themselves. That's why Micheal Jackson
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has so many of them, because he's a fucking idiot. Could you imagine what
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kind of bind he would get himself into if he spoke for himself?
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"Excuse me, Mr. Jackson, when are you going to release your greatest hits
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album?"
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"As soon as I get done grabbing some little boys ass. Next question."
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It would be a disaster. So, I'm assuming the press thinks we're too
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stupid to speak for ourselves, so we have to get some inane singer to do it
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for us. No thank you. If I want to make myself look like an idiot, I'll do
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it by myself. We as teens don't help this stereotype at all. This is for a
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number of reasons.
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Number one -- suicide. Suicide is the number one killer among teens, and
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why? What kind of moronic way of solving your "problems" is that? You don't
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have problems, dope. People in Bosnia, now *THEY* have problems. My foot
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weighs more than 95% of the population in Bosnia, and you're bitching because
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you've been dumped by your girlfriend? That's pathetic. By the time you're
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30, fat, bald, and married with three kids, you won't even remember her! It's
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ridiculous. I've never once done anything even semi-drastic for a girl, and
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I never would. I'm still a kid, there's no need to make a comittment now. I
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know people who have never even had a girlfriend, and they've been fine (ok,
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maybe they spank it a little too much, but hey, at least they're alive). To
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me, suicide is very selfish. The whole point of killing yourself is;
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"Yeah! They'll be sorry when I'm dead! Boy, am I smart."
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I, for one, don't feel sorry for any idiot who's stupid enough to take his
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own life. You don't leave behind any of the feelings you think you're leaving
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behind when you kill yourself, trust me. No guilt. No pity. No anger. No
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self-loathing. Just a bunch of stupid jokes. Mr. Cobain, for example.
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Thanks to him, I have to hear a bunch of stupid new jokes every day. Thanks,
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I really appreciate it.
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"What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes? Blue. One blue this way, one blue
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the other way." Ha ha. Really fuckin' funny. I'm going to have to hear this
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for another year or so because you couldn't live with the simple fact that you
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were making a shitload of money. Hey! If it's that tough to be rich and
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famous, why not give your money to me? Spanked ass.
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Number two -- poetry and weird assholes in general. You know that chick
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in school who dresses in all black and hangs around the art room all day?
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Next time you see her, thank her. Thank her for being an idiot and giving us
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all a bad name. Yeah, you know the one with the black fingernails and Doc
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Martens. She's our generations next spokesperson. Her and her fucking "art",
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if you can even come to call it that. It's not so much the paintings of dead
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babies stapled to walls or whatever she's painting, it's the poetry. It's the
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trademark of the depressed teenager stereotype. I've seen good poetry, and
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I've seen bad poetry. Personally, I don't care much for it, and I could never
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bring myself to write it, but I must give credit where credit is due (check
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out ReD #4 -- "Poetry Flambe!"). I see it happen all the time. They sit it
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study hall with their little Welcome Back, Kotter! lunchbox or whatever, and
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fill up pages and pages of notebooks with poetry. Yeah, looks real hard, too.
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I could make a better poem then that.. uh.. right now.
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Birth
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then
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Pain
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then
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Hurt
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then
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Tears
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then
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Pain
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then
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Hurt
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then
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Death
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then
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Eat
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at
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Joe's
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There. What do you think? This is easy.
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I am hurt. I feel pain. Why must you do this to me? Why must you hurt
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me like you do? God, I hate paper cuts.
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I could do this all day. It's not tough. The worst are the suicide poems.
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What the hell are they all about? If that isn't the most psychotic thing to
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write about, I don't know what is. Masturbating to pictures of ferrets comes
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close, but it's not the same.
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I load the gun. I cry. I cock the hammer. I cry. I point the cold steel
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barrel to my head. I cry. I pull the trigger. Shit, I missed. Boy will my
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mom be pissed when she sees what I did to the carpets. I cry.
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This has to stop. Not only does it make us, as teenagers in general, look
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bad, but it makes you look like a total fucking moron. Wash the black dye
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out of your hair, go out and buy some normal clothes, shut the hell up, and
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take a good look at yourself and everything around you. See how good you
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really have it. Yeah, spit out the 50 or so Advil you have stuffed in your
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mouth and think about it a little bit before you take the easy way out and
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contribute to the negative stereotype we're already burdened with. Maybe
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your Doc's are laced a little to tight there, Sparky. No matter how bad you
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think you have it, someone has it ten times worse. For every girlfriend
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that's dumped you, someone's a lot older and uglier than you has been dumped
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10 times. For every time your parents have yelled at you, someone across the
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globe is getting their ass kicked for no good reason. For every pimple on
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your face, someone else has 10 on their ass that hurt like a bitch when they
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sit down. See where I'm going with this? Ever see "Heathers"? Remember
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Martha Dumptruck? You could be *HER*, for crissakes! Get over the whole
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depressed "I have it soooo bad" act and you'll find that life is a lot more
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enjoyable. Get out more. Have fun. Get drunk. Piss on snails and watch
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them melt. Life is a lot more fun when you're not sitting at home being
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depressed. Try it sometime.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Greets galore! Fun for the whole family, and good for you, too!
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(This issues greets are for one purpose only; to greet Satan. Why? Because
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he treatened bodily harm if I did not greet him. If you would like to be
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greeted in my next article, please E-mail me and tell me all the different
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types of bodily harm you will inflict if I don't greet you. Then I will
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harass you and shall taunt you a second time if you ever do it again. Now,
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go away, you silly English kanigit.)
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Satan - Here's your greet, you lousy bastard! :)
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Keep circulating the tapes.
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