textfiles/magazines/PEZ/red-006.txt

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
                         ____________________________
                         \___________\_________\_____\
                          \__   __   /     ____/      \
                         / /       _/    ___/__   _/   \
                        / /    /   \          /        /
                        \/____/_____\________/________/
                        "<22><>/<2F><><EFBFBD><EFBFBD> <20><>i<EFBFBD><69> /><3E><>/>z" p<><70>z<EFBFBD><7A><EFBFBD>:
                                RED-006.TXT aka 
                        "Teen Angst for Fun and Profit!"
                               by: Black Francis 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   
--[IMPORTANT NOTE FROM AUTHOR]--
   
   If you are offended by any of the following, fuck you.  Learn to take a
joke, asshole.  If you're offended by the following, you're probably one of
the dickheads I'm talking about.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
   
   Ah well, I guess I'll have to take a break from writing my suicide letter
to make this stupid article.  I hate this article!  I hate the world!  I HATE
EVERYTHING!  Hehe.  Boy, if I'm not a teenage stereotype waiting to happen.
  Stereotypes, in general, are bad.  They're even worse when they have to do
with me.  Kind of like when you hear some stupid ass black comedian talk in
their trademark white-person-voice.  Basically, that's what all black 
comedians make their living on.. white jokes.  That's not a stereotype, 
either.  It's been proven.  Here, play at home.  Watch an episode of Def 
Comedy whatever and see for yourself.  I'd be willing to bet my sweet bippy 
that each and every comedian will make some sort of stupid joke about white 
people, and use the extremely unoriginal white person voice, which was started
by a very funny black comedian, Eddie Murphy.  His 'bear and rabbit shitting 
in the woods' joke is quite possibly the funniest thing I've ever heard in my 
entire life.  I swear I pissed myself when I heard it for the first time.  
Maybe, just maybe, they would be funny, or at least remotely funny, if the 
jokes weren't so damn lame.
   "(in white person voice)Hi, I'm white!  Let's go out and beat Rodney King!"
   "(in white person voice)Hi, I'm white!  I hate them niggers!"
   "(in white person voice)Hi, I'm white!  My ass is so small!  Hahaha!"
   You get the point.  What I'm leading up to is, essentially, everything is
a huge stereotype.  For example, my school is nothing but a giant stereotype.
The jocks are dumb as mud.  The blacks are straight out of the latest N.W.A
album.  The preps squeak when they walk.  The skaters walk around carrying
their skateboards so you KNOW that they're skaters.  The wiggers.. well.. the
wiggers are wiggers.  Unfortunately, out of everyone that could possibly be
stereotyped, teenagers get the worst rap.  We're protrayed by the press and
our elders as depressed, violent, back-talking, know-it-all, disrespectful
little brats.  I hate to say it, but behind every stereotype, is a very good
amount of truth.  But if you really think about it, mostly everyone, no matter
what their age is, is most of those.  Like, what the hell is wrong with the
mailmen nowadays?  What kind of pressure are these people under at work that
would make them go to work with a large enough arsenal to take out a small
mid-eastern country?  It's not like they're in any hurry or anything.
   "Bob, could you possibly have this letter delivered by next year?"
   "That's it, man!  (pulls out AK-47 and kills everyone in sight)"
   How come UPS delivery men don't go nuts?  What about my little paperboy?
I'm afraid of the little 12 year old bastard now.  I tip him $20 every time
he comes collecting so when it's his turn to go on his little rampage, maybe
he'll spare me.  I know he's carrying some kind of firearm in that little 
basket on the front of his bike.  You can never be too careful.  What about 
the pizza delivery guy?  Sends a chill down my spine just thinking about it.
   Teenagers aren't a violent species.  There are just a few assholes out 
there who think they're tough guys and feel they have to prove it everyone.
Most of the time they're poor urban youths, who basically have nothing else
to live for.  That's still no excuse to go out and do some of the things that 
I've been hearing about lately.  But violent is definitely NOT the worst 
teenage stereotype.  It has to be the whole idea that we're all depressed
suicidal morons lead by an even bigger moron, Kurt Cobain.  Since when did
I elect him to be my offical spokesman?
   "I want to eat your cancer when you turn black."
   Yeah, man, that's exactly what I was thinking.  Wow, man, you express my
pain sooo well.  Fuck that.  I don't need some stupid ass as my official 
spokesperson.  I don't need a spokesperson.  Spokespeople are for celebrities
who are too damn stupid to speak for themselves.  That's why Micheal Jackson
has so many of them, because he's a fucking idiot.  Could you imagine what
kind of bind he would get himself into if he spoke for himself?
   "Excuse me, Mr. Jackson, when are you going to release your greatest hits
album?"
    "As soon as I get done grabbing some little boys ass.  Next question."
    It would be a disaster.  So, I'm assuming the press thinks we're too
stupid to speak for ourselves, so we have to get some inane singer to do it 
for us.  No thank you.  If I want to make myself look like an idiot, I'll do
it by myself.  We as teens don't help this stereotype at all.  This is for a
number of reasons.  
   Number one -- suicide.  Suicide is the number one killer among teens, and
why?  What kind of moronic way of solving your "problems" is that?  You don't
have problems, dope.  People in Bosnia, now *THEY* have problems.  My foot 
weighs more than 95% of the population in Bosnia, and you're bitching because
you've been dumped by your girlfriend?  That's pathetic.  By the time you're
30, fat, bald, and married with three kids, you won't even remember her!  It's
ridiculous.  I've never once done anything even semi-drastic for a girl, and
I never would.  I'm still a kid, there's no need to make a comittment now.  I
know people who have never even had a girlfriend, and they've been fine (ok,
maybe they spank it a little too much, but hey, at least they're alive).  To
me, suicide is very selfish.  The whole point of killing yourself is;
   "Yeah!  They'll be sorry when I'm dead!  Boy, am I smart."
   I, for one, don't feel sorry for any idiot who's stupid enough to take his
own life.  You don't leave behind any of the feelings you think you're leaving
behind when you kill yourself, trust me.  No guilt.  No pity.  No anger.  No
self-loathing.  Just a bunch of stupid jokes.  Mr. Cobain, for example. 
Thanks to him, I have to hear a bunch of stupid new jokes every day.  Thanks,
I really appreciate it.
   "What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes?  Blue.  One blue this way, one blue
the other way."  Ha ha.  Really fuckin' funny.  I'm going to have to hear this
for another year or so because you couldn't live with the simple fact that you
were making a shitload of money.  Hey!  If it's that tough to be rich and
famous, why not give your money to me?  Spanked ass.
   Number two -- poetry and weird assholes in general.  You know that chick
in school who dresses in all black and hangs around the art room all day?
Next time you see her, thank her.  Thank her for being an idiot and giving us
all a bad name.  Yeah, you know the one with the black fingernails and Doc
Martens.  She's our generations next spokesperson.  Her and her fucking "art",
if you can even come to call it that.  It's not so much the paintings of dead
babies stapled to walls or whatever she's painting, it's the poetry.  It's the
trademark of the depressed teenager stereotype.  I've seen good poetry, and
I've seen bad poetry.  Personally, I don't care much for it, and I could never
bring myself to write it, but I must give credit where credit is due (check
out ReD #4 -- "Poetry Flambe!").  I see it happen all the time.  They sit it
study hall with their little Welcome Back, Kotter! lunchbox or whatever, and
fill up pages and pages of notebooks with poetry.  Yeah, looks real hard, too.
I could make a better poem then that.. uh.. right now.

Birth
then
Pain
then
Hurt
then
Tears
then
Pain
then
Hurt
then
Death
then
Eat
at
Joe's

   There.  What do you think?  This is easy.

   I am hurt.  I feel pain.  Why must you do this to me?  Why must you hurt
me like you do?  God, I hate paper cuts.

   I could do this all day.  It's not tough.  The worst are the suicide poems.
What the hell are they all about?  If that isn't the most psychotic thing to
write about, I don't know what is.  Masturbating to pictures of ferrets comes
close, but it's not the same.

   I load the gun.  I cry.  I cock the hammer.  I cry.  I point the cold steel
barrel to my head.  I cry.  I pull the trigger.  Shit, I missed.  Boy will my
mom be pissed when she sees what I did to the carpets.  I cry.

   This has to stop.  Not only does it make us, as teenagers in general, look
bad, but it makes you look like a total fucking moron.  Wash the black dye
out of your hair, go out and buy some normal clothes, shut the hell up, and
take a good look at yourself and everything around you.  See how good you 
really have it.  Yeah, spit out the 50 or so Advil you have stuffed in your
mouth and think about it a little bit before you take the easy way out and
contribute to the negative stereotype we're already burdened with.  Maybe
your Doc's are laced a little to tight there, Sparky.  No matter how bad you
think you have it, someone has it ten times worse.  For every girlfriend
that's dumped you, someone's a lot older and uglier than you has been dumped
10 times.  For every time your parents have yelled at you, someone across the
globe is getting their ass kicked for no good reason.  For every pimple on 
your face, someone else has 10 on their ass that hurt like a bitch when they
sit down.  See where I'm going with this?  Ever see "Heathers"?  Remember
Martha Dumptruck?  You could be *HER*, for crissakes!  Get over the whole
depressed "I have it soooo bad" act and you'll find that life is a lot more
enjoyable.  Get out more.  Have fun.  Get drunk.  Piss on snails and watch 
them melt.  Life is a lot more fun when you're not sitting at home being
depressed.  Try it sometime.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
       Greets galore!  Fun for the whole family, and good for you, too!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(This issues greets are for one purpose only; to greet Satan.  Why?  Because
he treatened bodily harm if I did not greet him.  If you would like to be
greeted in my next article, please E-mail me and tell me all the different
types of bodily harm you will inflict if I don't greet you.  Then I will
harass you and shall taunt you a second time if you ever do it again.  Now,
go away, you silly English kanigit.)

Satan - Here's your greet, you lousy bastard!  :)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------

   Keep circulating the tapes.