77 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
77 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
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A FRESHMAN'S GUIDE TO HORACE GREELEY HIGH SCHOOL
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By Jason Sadofsky
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HELLO ALL FRESHMEN. The term "Freshmen" is a misnomer, of course, since some
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of you resemble females. But, that's the term placed on you. Also, expect the
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terms "Frosh", "9th graders" and "fungus."
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There are several facts about our school that you should keep in mind, so
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that your passage from the utopian 8th grade to the hell-like 9th grade is as
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smooth and creamy as possible.
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MRS. TUCCI PACKS HEAT. Before you come to the main office desk with such
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lobotomy-patient questions as "Where's the cafeteria?" or "What's a mod?",
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consider the fate of having your sniveling innards blasted across the
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administration building and guidance department by a Turbo-Uzi(tm).
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SAY HI TO MR. COFFEY. He's your assistant principal. Any appliance jokes
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will result in Suspension number 23a (pernament, in-house, you're tied to a
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rack and a large rat is placed on your stomach.) But, don't be afraid to come
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up to him and just shake his hand. He'll watch you suspiciously for the rest
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of the year, but, that's life.
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SEE THAT BIG WHITE THING IN THE COURTYARD? It's a sculpture of a broken egg.
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Really. Go up to it. Touch it. Listen to the side for the humming.
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Incredible, isn't it? Oh, don't stay within ten feet of it for more than 5
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minutes every month. Don't ask why. You don't want to know.
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WATCH OUT FOR THE BIG MACHINE IN THE LIBRARY. It detects the magnetic strips
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in the books and halts the turnstile if it detects a book that hasn't been
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demagnitized. Always walk slowly when you go through this machine for two
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reasons: Because it's fun to have lots of juicy detecto-rays running through
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your body, and because chances are that some insidious junior has stuck a book
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in your knapsack with the intent of watching you run through ol' Betsy and flip
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yourself over the metal bar onto the floor, while the alarm screams for all to
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look at your crumpled form.
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FOOD: IT'S NOT JUST EDIBLE, IT'S AN ADVENTURE. Always make sure the
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Steak-Ums are not moving. Avoid anything purple. Meatball wedges are great
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projectiles.
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PHOTO LAB: DARKROOM JOURNEYS. Right near the art wing, there's the
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darkroom. Lots of fun social interaction happens back there. Unfortunately,
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it's rather hard to see who you're talking to. So bring a flashlight.
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A POUND OF PAIN IS WORTH AN OUNCE OF LISTENING CENTER. That phrase will ring
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in yourhead endlessly as you sit in your little booth under the watchful eye
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of Ms. Garcia. Bring a TV set for that long last five minute stretch. Or
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daydream about how the room would look with stained-glass windows and black
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walls.
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AVOID ALL WATER FOUNTAINS. Walk slowly, don't sweat, bring in a cooler,
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anything. Just DON'T TOUCH THOSE WATER FOUNTAINS! Endless people have used
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those things before you have, and some of them didn't put hygene above Motley
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Crue tickets on their priority list. Bonus: If you're unable to come up with
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a good final science project, try analyzing some of that water (wear gloves).
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LOOK! MR. HART! There he is, wandering around the cafeteria looking for
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some little jerk throwing food on the floor. Yell hello to him! Show him your
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Horace Greeley sweater you just bought! Distract him while your friends make a
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break for the exit, with papers streaming behind them! He'll notice and run
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after them. Be not afraid. Mr. Hart usually gives up after 70 feet. But he
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will come back screaming for names, so give him ones like "Mr. Spock", "Gus",
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and "Porky".
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BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT THE BATHROOMS. They ARE usable, but some of the stalls have
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been removed with the logic that you won't be able to sneak a puff of
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combustible plants in there. So, plan things out heavily, and if you walk in
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and ten guys with knives look at you, walk out. Very fast.
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And also: Don't complain. Get involved, THEN complain. Just like everyone
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else.
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