77 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
77 lines
3.9 KiB
Plaintext
|
|
|||
|
|
A FRESHMAN'S GUIDE TO HORACE GREELEY HIGH SCHOOL
|
|||
|
|
================================================
|
|||
|
|
By Jason Sadofsky
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
HELLO ALL FRESHMEN. The term "Freshmen" is a misnomer, of course, since some
|
|||
|
|
of you resemble females. But, that's the term placed on you. Also, expect the
|
|||
|
|
terms "Frosh", "9th graders" and "fungus."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
There are several facts about our school that you should keep in mind, so
|
|||
|
|
that your passage from the utopian 8th grade to the hell-like 9th grade is as
|
|||
|
|
smooth and creamy as possible.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
MRS. TUCCI PACKS HEAT. Before you come to the main office desk with such
|
|||
|
|
lobotomy-patient questions as "Where's the cafeteria?" or "What's a mod?",
|
|||
|
|
consider the fate of having your sniveling innards blasted across the
|
|||
|
|
administration building and guidance department by a Turbo-Uzi(tm).
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
SAY HI TO MR. COFFEY. He's your assistant principal. Any appliance jokes
|
|||
|
|
will result in Suspension number 23a (pernament, in-house, you're tied to a
|
|||
|
|
rack and a large rat is placed on your stomach.) But, don't be afraid to come
|
|||
|
|
up to him and just shake his hand. He'll watch you suspiciously for the rest
|
|||
|
|
of the year, but, that's life.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
SEE THAT BIG WHITE THING IN THE COURTYARD? It's a sculpture of a broken egg.
|
|||
|
|
Really. Go up to it. Touch it. Listen to the side for the humming.
|
|||
|
|
Incredible, isn't it? Oh, don't stay within ten feet of it for more than 5
|
|||
|
|
minutes every month. Don't ask why. You don't want to know.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
WATCH OUT FOR THE BIG MACHINE IN THE LIBRARY. It detects the magnetic strips
|
|||
|
|
in the books and halts the turnstile if it detects a book that hasn't been
|
|||
|
|
demagnitized. Always walk slowly when you go through this machine for two
|
|||
|
|
reasons: Because it's fun to have lots of juicy detecto-rays running through
|
|||
|
|
your body, and because chances are that some insidious junior has stuck a book
|
|||
|
|
in your knapsack with the intent of watching you run through ol' Betsy and flip
|
|||
|
|
yourself over the metal bar onto the floor, while the alarm screams for all to
|
|||
|
|
look at your crumpled form.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
FOOD: IT'S NOT JUST EDIBLE, IT'S AN ADVENTURE. Always make sure the
|
|||
|
|
Steak-Ums are not moving. Avoid anything purple. Meatball wedges are great
|
|||
|
|
projectiles.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
PHOTO LAB: DARKROOM JOURNEYS. Right near the art wing, there's the
|
|||
|
|
darkroom. Lots of fun social interaction happens back there. Unfortunately,
|
|||
|
|
it's rather hard to see who you're talking to. So bring a flashlight.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A POUND OF PAIN IS WORTH AN OUNCE OF LISTENING CENTER. That phrase will ring
|
|||
|
|
in yourhead endlessly as you sit in your little booth under the watchful eye
|
|||
|
|
of Ms. Garcia. Bring a TV set for that long last five minute stretch. Or
|
|||
|
|
daydream about how the room would look with stained-glass windows and black
|
|||
|
|
walls.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
AVOID ALL WATER FOUNTAINS. Walk slowly, don't sweat, bring in a cooler,
|
|||
|
|
anything. Just DON'T TOUCH THOSE WATER FOUNTAINS! Endless people have used
|
|||
|
|
those things before you have, and some of them didn't put hygene above Motley
|
|||
|
|
Crue tickets on their priority list. Bonus: If you're unable to come up with
|
|||
|
|
a good final science project, try analyzing some of that water (wear gloves).
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
LOOK! MR. HART! There he is, wandering around the cafeteria looking for
|
|||
|
|
some little jerk throwing food on the floor. Yell hello to him! Show him your
|
|||
|
|
Horace Greeley sweater you just bought! Distract him while your friends make a
|
|||
|
|
break for the exit, with papers streaming behind them! He'll notice and run
|
|||
|
|
after them. Be not afraid. Mr. Hart usually gives up after 70 feet. But he
|
|||
|
|
will come back screaming for names, so give him ones like "Mr. Spock", "Gus",
|
|||
|
|
and "Porky".
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
BE CAUTIOUS ABOUT THE BATHROOMS. They ARE usable, but some of the stalls have
|
|||
|
|
been removed with the logic that you won't be able to sneak a puff of
|
|||
|
|
combustible plants in there. So, plan things out heavily, and if you walk in
|
|||
|
|
and ten guys with knives look at you, walk out. Very fast.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
And also: Don't complain. Get involved, THEN complain. Just like everyone
|
|||
|
|
else.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|