89 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
89 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
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LAWYER JOKES
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An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as
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chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed
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first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two
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plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and
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calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The
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physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
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answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did
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a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau
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of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was
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interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his
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interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the
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room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone
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for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
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Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
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accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The
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Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The
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room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel
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6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a
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palacial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace
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overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St.
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Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was
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given such small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred
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Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
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Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
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Answer: No.
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Reply: Good!
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Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
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Professional courtesy.
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Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
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It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.
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How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
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His lips begin to move.
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How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in
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the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
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With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
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How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
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How many can you afford?
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As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would
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allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called
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for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
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He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my
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funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take
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it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the
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funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
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While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to
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confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his
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life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
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baptistry very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought
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one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since
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we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the
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full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been
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diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000
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and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine
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so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have
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wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When
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I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full
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$30,000."
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The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be
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using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use
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attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
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1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
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2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
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attorneys as they did to the rats.
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3. No matter how hard you try, there are a few very nasty things that rats
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just will not do.
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A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it
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to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted
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that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my
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lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on
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one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid
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back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the
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physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief
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on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
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