89 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
89 lines
4.9 KiB
Plaintext
|
============
|
|||
|
|
LAWYER JOKES
|
|||
|
|
============
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as
|
|||
|
|
chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed
|
|||
|
|
first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two
|
|||
|
|
plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and
|
|||
|
|
calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The
|
|||
|
|
physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Before
|
|||
|
|
answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did
|
|||
|
|
a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau
|
|||
|
|
of Standards and many calculations, he also announced "Four." The lawyer was
|
|||
|
|
interviewed last, and was asked the same questions. At the end of his
|
|||
|
|
interview, before answering the last question, he drew all the shades in the
|
|||
|
|
room, looked outside the door to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone
|
|||
|
|
for listening devices, and asked "How much do you want it to be?"
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
|
|||
|
|
accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The
|
|||
|
|
Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The
|
|||
|
|
room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade Motel
|
|||
|
|
6-type establishment. The lawyer was then taken to his room, which was a
|
|||
|
|
palacial suite including a private swimming pool, a garden, and a terrace
|
|||
|
|
overlooking the Gates. The attorney was somehwat taken aback, and told St.
|
|||
|
|
Peter, "I'm really quite surprised at these rooms, seeing as how the Pope was
|
|||
|
|
given such small accomodations." St. Peter replied, "We have over a hundred
|
|||
|
|
Popes here, and we're really very bored with them. We've never had a lawyer."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Question: Do you know how to save five drowning lawyers?
|
|||
|
|
Answer: No.
|
|||
|
|
Reply: Good!
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Why don't snakes bite attorneys?
|
|||
|
|
Professional courtesy.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Why do male attorneys usually wear tight shirt collars and ties?
|
|||
|
|
It keeps their foreskins from creeping up and covering their faces.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How can you tell that an attorney is about to lie?
|
|||
|
|
His lips begin to move.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How can you tell the difference between an attorney lying dead in
|
|||
|
|
the road and a coyote lying dead in the road?
|
|||
|
|
With the coyote, you usually see skid marks.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
|
|||
|
|
How many can you afford?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would
|
|||
|
|
allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called
|
|||
|
|
for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman.
|
|||
|
|
He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my
|
|||
|
|
funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take
|
|||
|
|
it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the
|
|||
|
|
funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.
|
|||
|
|
While riding in the limousine to the cemetery, the clergyman said "I have to
|
|||
|
|
confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his
|
|||
|
|
life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new
|
|||
|
|
baptistry very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought
|
|||
|
|
one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since
|
|||
|
|
we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the
|
|||
|
|
full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been
|
|||
|
|
diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000
|
|||
|
|
and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine
|
|||
|
|
so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have
|
|||
|
|
wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When
|
|||
|
|
I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full
|
|||
|
|
$30,000."
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be
|
|||
|
|
using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use
|
|||
|
|
attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
|
|||
|
|
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the
|
|||
|
|
attorneys as they did to the rats.
|
|||
|
|
3. No matter how hard you try, there are a few very nasty things that rats
|
|||
|
|
just will not do.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
A man woke up in a hospital bed and called for his doctor. He asked "Give it
|
|||
|
|
to me straight. How long have I got?" The physician replied that he doubted
|
|||
|
|
that his patient would survive the night. The man then said "Call for my
|
|||
|
|
lawyer." When the lawyer arrived, the man asked for his physician to stand on
|
|||
|
|
one side of the bed, while the lawyer stood on the other. The man then laid
|
|||
|
|
back and closed his eyes. When he remained silent for several minutes, the
|
|||
|
|
physician asked what he had in mind. The man replied "Jesus died with a thief
|
|||
|
|
on either side, and I thought I'd check out the same way."
|
|||
|
|
|