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%% %%
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%% ====================== %%
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%% The Rumpus Gets Busted %%
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%% ====================== %%
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%% %%
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%% Another Chapter In The Rumpus Chronicles from: %%
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%% %%
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%% _The Reflex_ %%
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%% An Official_Omnipotent_Incorporated_Production %%
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%% %%
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Introduction:
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It all started one day when Rumpus moved from where he lived to a land far
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away. He could make no friends so the only thing he could do was bother the
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ones that he had left behind. He would do this by calling them across the
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country using illegal long-distance-service codes. Then one day a man called
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someone that we will just call Amy claiming that her number showed up on his
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bill. She (lacking common sense) paid the fifteen dollar bill and called
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Rumpus demanding that he send the money. He whined and gave in promising to
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send the money. This is his story as unexciting as it may be.
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The Nightmare Begins:
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The alarm broke the early morning silence as the dawning sun cracked
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through the window shades. Rumpus stumbled out of bed and turned off the
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alarm. Feeling around for the light switch on the wall he found an electric
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outlet instead. This is what is believed to cause the "porcupine phenomenon"
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as it is called where Rumpus' hair stands straight up even when wet. Rumpus
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walked over to the mirror and rubbed his chins. "Still no stubble," he thought
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to himself wondering when puberty was going to hit. Then he took a step back
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and started modeling body-builder poses in front of the mirror trying to find
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some muscles. His mother walked in and she was impressed. "You've got to hang
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up your clothes, Rumpus," she nagged in broken English. "Unh! All right,
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Mom!" was the only thing Rumpus could think of saying without getting in
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trouble.
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After taking a shower and eating his "Wheaties," Rumpus ran back in his
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room remembering that he had left his Commodore 64 on all night hacking
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long-distance codes. With an ectasy that only Rumpus could know, he turned on
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the television to discover his computer had found the fatal code. He copied it
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down and ran off to school with books under his arm.
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All day long he was trying to make a list of people in his mind that he
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could call using his latest code. "I could call all my girlfriends where I
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used to live," he plotted to himself. Rumpus was so busy daydreaming that he
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didn't notice the changing of six periods from his first-period class. By the
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time he realized what was happening, everyone had left for the day. With
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excitement building, he ran home and picked up the telephone receiver.
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The Telephone Calls:
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"Hmmm, first I'll call Jennifer!" he thought with delusions of grandeur
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floating around in his mousse-hardened skull.
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--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?"
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"Hey, Jennifer, this is Rumpus! What's up?"
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--CLICK--
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"Unh! This code must not be very good..." he pondered. "Oh well, I'll
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call Jason, now." He tapped out the code and Agent Macabre's number.
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--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?"
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"Hey, Jason, this is Rumpus!"
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"Oh well, I gotta go sort out my sock drawer. Bye!" --CLICK--
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"Hello? Hello? I don't think this code is any good. I'll give it one
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more try." With this, he tapped out the numbers for one Amy Somethingorother.
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--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?"
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"Hi, Amy, this is Rumpus!"
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"Oh, hello."
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"Do you still love me?" Rumpus prodded trying to get a hopeful response.
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"Just like Seven-Up, Rump: Never had, never will." she replied.
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At this point Rumpus was emotionally distraught. He thought about
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suicide, but then thought it would be too painful. He fished for something to
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say for approximately an hour. This was the phone call that broke the camel's
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back. Rumpus was destined for jail.
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The Discovery:
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Somewhere not too far from the home of Beau Goltex, an unsuspecting
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long-distance-company subscriber opened his bill to find many charges for
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telephone calls he didn't make. He looked over the list and found some of the
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call destinations were in his area code. He closed his eyes and picked one at
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random to call.
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--RING-- --RING-- "Hello?" Amy answered.
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"Hello, your number showed up on my long-distance bill. Do you know
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anybody that lives in the 312 area code?" the confused customer asked.
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With this Amy told the man just about everything that was needed to know.
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She told him about Rumpus and how he calls his friends using illegally obtained
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codes. The one thing she neglected to tell him was Rumpus' name. This was not
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seen as an important fact to Rumpus, though.
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The Panic:
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The next day, Rumpus heard the news from Amy. Rumpus was struck with
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fear. "Unh! I can't go to jail." He made out a plan that included not using
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the codes from his house any more. He thought that the authorities were
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tampering with his phone lines as he claimed he would hear clicking whenever he
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would talk on the telephone. This was later discovered to be his call-waiting
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service and Rumpus was made to look like an idiot.
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The Fate of the Rumpus:
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The following day, Rumpus skipped school in an attempt to clean his room
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of any incriminating evidence. He gathered up all of his print-outs and headed
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for the garbage cans. Two men in three-piece suits with sunglasses and little
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wires running out their ears approached Rumpus as he neared the trash can.
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They claimed to be poor scientists that were developing an engine that
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could run on garbage and they asked him if they could use his waste in their
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experiments. Rumpus decided this was a good opportunity to get rid of the
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incriminating evidence since it would be burned and he gave it to the two men.
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They thanked him and stepped back into their black van with the tinted windows
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and the minature satellite dish circling on top of it.
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Rumpus walked back inside and fell on his bed in relief. "I'm finally rid
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of that stuff" he thought to himself exhausted. At that moment, however, there
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was three loud knocks on the door. Being the only one home Rumpus ran to the
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door and opened it. The two men stood there along with several other men and
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they had papers in their hand.
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"Rumpus, you have the right to remain silent..." the first man started off
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as three were making their way to the door. Rumpus kicked the door shut and
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threw the deadbolt on. He screamed, "You'll never take me alive, coppers!" as
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he ran into his room and loaded the .45 he got for his birthday.
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He flung the back door open and ran out of the house head-first. He
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shoved his hair into the stomach of one of the agents who fell screaming and
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clenching his bloody abdomen. Rumpus saw another car pulling up. He fired a
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shot through the window and killed the driver (which turned out to be his
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father).
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He jumped on his Ninja motorcycle and drove off screaming something about
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killer-codes. This was the last that was heard from Rumpus as he was gunned
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down by two Harris County Sheriff's Deputies on Highway 59 North just two miles
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out of Houston. He was resisting arrest for traveling without proper lights on
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his turbo scooter.
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[Editor's Note: The above passage was misprinted. Please ignore any previous
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information in it. Thank you.]
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The Real Fate:
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Nobody is really sure what really happened to Rumpus. This whole
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situation eventually blew over.
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What will be Rumpus' future? After several hours of deliberation, Agent
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Macabre and The Reflex decided that Rumpus will be found dead either lying by
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his air conditioning unit after snorting all the freon out of it or hanging in
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his closet with his penis clenched in one hand while trying a new sexual
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technique from HUSTLER magazine.
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[Note: Please notice that the Rumpus has no affiliation whatsoever with
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Omnipotent, Incorporated. Thank you.]
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(C) 1987 - Omnipotent, Incorporated
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Dark Side of the Moon AE/BBS.................................[408] 245-SPAM
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Free Phone Sex...................................................[313] 433-3164
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The Haunted House AE/BBS.........................................[408] 773-1202
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The Works BBS (1600 textfiles)...................................[914] 238-8195
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Pez's Underground Dungeon (?)....................................[313] 433-3164
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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