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%% ====================== %%
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%% The Rumpus Chronicles! %%
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%% ====================== %%
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%% %%
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%% A legend from the minds of the sick: %%
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%% %%
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%% ---------------------------- %%
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%% The Reflex & Agent Macabre %%
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%% of %%
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%% Omnipotent, Incorporated %%
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%% ---------------------------- %%
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%% %%
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At this point you are wondering what a Rumpus is...you are wondering why
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you are reading this file...you are wondering why we wrote this. The answers
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these ponderings and more will be explained in this exploration into a world of
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a living nightmare: The Rumpus!
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First the definition(s): RUMPUS (rum-pus') -- a loud noise or obnoxious object
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RUMPUS ROOM -- residence of a Rumpus
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BACKGROUND:
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A Rumpus can be found living in the suburbs of a city just like many more
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across the United States of America. A city with a downtown. A city with the
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suburbs. A city that doesn't stand out much, except for the fact that it
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possesses a Rumpus. It is in the suburbia that it dwells. The suburbia called
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Alief (ay-leaf').
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This Rumpus used to go a high school in the Alief Independent District of
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Schools (A.I.D.S.). It was a legend in its own time. This Rumpus was of a
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male gender (so it is a commonly held belief), so we will refer to it as "he,"
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"him," or "Ugh!" instead of "it."
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The Rumpus consisted of a short (five foot, four inch) Filipino with thick
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vision-correction apparatuses (glasses) with spiked (porcupine) hair and was
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slightly (ahem!) overweight. Like it was stated before, he was a legend in his
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own time, though it was short.
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Around the school, Rumpus was considered by many to be what could be
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called a "pain." Speaking through his nose, he would issue a reply of "Unh!"
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to a statement that would displease him. He was a member of the senior high
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school instrumental orchestral society (also referred to as the "band") in
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which he would attempt to issue notes from an instrument known as a tuba that
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was twice as big as him and would crush him out of existence if it should ever
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by chance fall over on him. Considered a "stud" in his homelands on the other
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side of the globe, he was thought of as quite less by the female half of the
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human race on this side. Always becoming infatuated with attractive females
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that would not care to sneeze in his direction at anyone's request. This made
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him turn to nocturnal activities of flogging his frog, spanking his monkey,
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beating his meat, whacking off, jacking off, jerking off, or as it ultimately
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became known as, "Rumpusing off!"
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A LEGEND IS BORN:
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[Names have been changed to protect the identities of those that would not
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care to have their names printed here in association with Omnipotent,
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Incorporated.]
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The sad tale began when Rumpus invited several friends (so he thought)
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over to play "VID-EE-0H GAMEZ!!1!" [Ed. note: Sorry had to do it.]. After
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playing with the computer for a while, Rumpus became bored and decided to take
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a shower (so he said). He reached for something from behind the bed that was
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wrapped up in a shirt. Clothes wrapped around a girlie magazine was what it
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was. He waddled into the bathroom whining an "Unh!" to whoever made any jokes
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behind his back as he left the room. Once behind the safety of the shower
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door, he ran to the bathtub and turned the water on. He then proceeded to
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quickly strip down. A considerable time later, one of the Rumpus Room patrons
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decided that it was time to play a new videogame. He searched for further
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disks, but could find none. "Oh well, I'll go ask Rumpus," said Mike as he
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strolled over the the bathroom door. HE'S BEEN IN THERE AN AWFUL LONG TIME,
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Mike thought to himself. "Hey, Rumpus! Are you still in there? We need some
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more disks. Where are they?" No answer. "Rumpus?!?" Again, no answer. "Can
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you hear me?" asked Mike as he pounded on the door. For the final time, no
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answer. I BETTER GO IN SO HE CAN HEAR ME BETTER, Mike thought. He fumbled for
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a credit card out of his wallet. Carefully slipping in past the doorknob, he
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wedged the lock back. The door slipped open. Mike was quickly opening the
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door uttering "Hey, Rumpus, where are the--" It was at this time that he
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looked down to see Rumpus sitting naked on the tile floor trying to issue forth
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jollies with a skin mag. Rumpus didn't hear Mike come in due to the water
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pouring into the tub. He didn't realize Mike's presence until he saw the door
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move out of the corner of his squinted eye. "UNH! Mike, get out!" Rumpus
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screamed kicking the door with his foot as far as his squaty leg would reach.
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The force pushed Mike into the hall where he sat aghast for a split second. He
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then burst out laughing and stumbling back into the Rumpus Room to explain the
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sight he just held to everyone present.
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It didn't take long for the word-of-mouth chain to get the story all
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around the band hall of Elsik Senior High School. But the tale was not limited
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to that location alone. Soon, most people in both the South and North Houses
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of Elsik knew of "The Rumpus." Like we said: A legend of a sort. Girls would
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say "I thought he was all right until I heard that. I think he's gross, now!"
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Not that it really hurt his luck with the ladies since there was not a whole
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lot in the first place.
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THE ADVENTURES BEGIN:
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Rumpus thought he was a /<-/<00L FREEK!!1! This was the farthest thing
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from the truth. Admittingly, he knew how to use service codes, but not much
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beyond that. We took it upon ourselves to educate the Rumpus in the workings
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of the Bell system. This was to be a mishap doomed from the origins.
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First there was talk of opening a Southwestern Bell System manhole. "All
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we need are some crowbars! I could open one by myself," were the first words
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to come from Rumpus on the subject. This was found to be untrue when The
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Uncorruptable and The Reflex discovered each manhole lid to weigh in excess of
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125 pounds. Rumpus couldn't handle this mission alone so he abandoned the
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idea.
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Rumpus' own work could be seen all throughout Alief in the form of broken
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terminal boxes and left open doors on Bell equipment. After school one Friday,
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Reflex and Uncorruptable were driving by a double-door terminal box in the
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Rumpus' neighborhood. The Reflex glanced over at the open door and the missing
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spool of wire and thought it to be Rumpus' careless work which he later found
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out it was.
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Agent Macabre and The Reflex decided to help Rumpus learn more about
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phreaking through Beige Boxing or use of a ButtFone (R) - Octothorpe
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Productions. We explained in depth how the phone worked and how Bell would
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hook up lines to terminals. We explained the magic 7/16-inch key. We
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explained line polarity. We explained the proper etiquette for Beige Boxing.
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And most important, we explained the importance of Ninja! Ninja is simply
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Ninja in the fact that when you Ninja, you make yourself hidden. Thus, when
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someone is to yell "Ninja!" then you are to hide in the possibility that danger
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is approaching. Rumpus had a hard time understanding this last concept. It
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could have something to due with Filipinos hating Japanese and everything
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associated with it since that is that way their parents were taught during
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World War II: The Sequel. Needless to say, this would result in some
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conflicts that would have to be worked out later.
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We started out just after dark since Rumpus could not stay out late [more
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on that later]. Riding Ninja-Cycles (bicycles), we met Rumpus at his house and
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departed for a night (or at least an hour) of adrenaline and frustration. We
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first travelled to the back of an A.I.D.S. elementary school. We hid our
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bikes. Reflex opened a terminal box with the wrench as Agent Macabre helped
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Rumpus prepare the Beige Box. We had to take several minutes explaining the
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charges of the ring and tip wires and the proper placement of the alligator
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clips, but we finally managed to connect to a working phone line. Reflex
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dialed the local ANI and wrote the phone number down for future reference.
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Then the time came when we had to decide what to do now that there was dialing
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to be done. Ideas were tossed up of starting a conference or simply calling
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911 and having an ambulance sent to the school, but leave it to Rumpus to come
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up with the idea of calling 976 phone-numbers-for-morons services.
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After disembarking from the school, we rode to explore a bayou for more
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boxes and cans and various places we could service Bell's equipment for them.
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While examinging one box near a road, a car started to approach. "Ninja!"
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Agent Macabre half-whispered/half-yelled as he fell to the groung on his
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stomach. Reflex did the same. The only figure left standing in the field next
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to the bayou was that of the Rumpus. The car drew closer. "Ninja? That's
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stupid," Rumpus whined through his nose. The car was now on the bridge next to
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the field with its bright headlights shining on a large Rumpus standing,
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squinting his eyes at the bright light. "Get the fuck down!" someone yelled at
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Rumpus as his legs were grabbed and was pulled down forcibly against his will.
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The car idled for several minutes staring at the field looking for further
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movement before it rolled on to either call the police or go on about its own
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business. Should have set a car trap!
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We rode back to Rumpus' house in disappointment and disgrace at a failure
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to reform the Rumpus. We didn't give up hope for him, though.
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THE NIGHT LIFE:
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We decided it was time for Rumpus to have a social life despite his
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well-known nocturnal activities. It was agreed upon to try again with the
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Rumpus and to try to get him to socialize with females his age. We decided to
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take him to a popular young-adult club known as Club Soda. Reflex and Agent
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Macabre arrived at the Rumpus Room on a Friday night at 8:00 P.M. On the way
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to the club several discoveries were made. Rumpus couldn't stay out later than
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9 P.M. and was shocked to learn that we were planning on staying out until 1
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A.M. He actually would obey such an early time to be in set by his parents.
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We thought this to be no problem since we would simply Shanghai him and keep
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him out later against his will.
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When we arrived at Club Soda, Rumpus informed us that he only brought
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along $2 when the cover charge was $7 due to a special concert. Agent Macabre
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had enough money to pay only his own way in and couldn't loan money to Rumpus.
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Reflex had enough money to pay for Rumpus' way in, but it would leave him with
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no excess money with which to play pool or buy drinks with.
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We stumbled back into the car to take Rumpus back home to ask for some
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more money from his father. After driving him all the way back home, Rumpus
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whines and decides not to go back to Club Soda. So much for a social life.
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THE PRESENT:
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Rumpus has since moved to a large Northern city for reasons claimed to be
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the change of occupational location for his father. This is not the real
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reason believed in the Omnipotent_Foundation. We believe it to be so that
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nobody would know about the Rumpus' history and he would not be harassed any
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more. It is only a matter of time before Omnipotent will contact his new
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acquaintances, though.
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He has not managed well in his new location. Riding to the tennis courts
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one day four black youths yelled something about Rumpus looking funny on his
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bicycle. Having no real intelligence or sense of self-preservation, Rumpus
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replied by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, I bet I'm richer than you are!" He was
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chased for five blocks before he was last heard from.
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RUMPUS -- THE INTERVIEW:
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The following is an interview conducted with Rumpus over the telephone.
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The "O" represents the statements of a member of Omnipotent, Inc. The "R"
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represents the reply by the Rumpus.
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O: Hello, is Rumpus there?
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R: Oh, hi, Jason and Rob.
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O: So, what is life like in Chicago, Rumpus?
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R: Well, I don't have any friends, yet; but my cousin is going to introduce me
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to some girls later on today.
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O: Sure...But are they going to know that case history of the Rumpus?
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R: Unh! You aren't going to start talking about that again, are you?
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O: [Simulated perverse sounds.]
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R: Unh!!! --CLICK--
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And so that was the end of the interview.
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LOOSE ENDS:
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And so this concludes our little excursion into the world of the
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encounters with the Rumpus. We hope you have enjoyed this file and if you
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haven't, then send all hate mail/death threats/heavy breathing/etc. to the
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Rumpus at [PHONE NUMBER DELETED]. Thank you for your time.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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(C) 1987 - Omnipotent, Incorporated
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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Disclaimer: This file is not intended to make any connection between Rumpus
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=-=-=-=-=-= and Omnipotent, Incorporated. Any such connections were made out
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of the readers perverse, demented mind and are just pure
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coincidence. Use of this file is strictly prohibited without
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written permission from the Department of Sanitation. This has
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been a Tampered-With Production.
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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