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%% ==================================== %%
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%% How to Catch Yourself an Automobile! %%
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%% ==================================== %%
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%% %%
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%% Another original text/fun file courtesy of [drum roll, please...] %%
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%% %%
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%% %%% Omnipotent, Incorporated %%% %%
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%% %%
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%% Written by %%
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%% --==**>>THE REFLEX<<**==-- %%
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%% %%
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Well, here I am back in the world of text files. This is my first in a
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long time so you will have to excuse me if I ramble on for a few lines. It
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feels good to be back in front of the word processor typing this file in so
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you people can get a mild form of entertainment while getting a few ideas
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about how to have some fun on your own. Oh yeah, I almost forgot...gotta do:
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THE DISCLAIMER: I, THE REFLEX [Note, all caps, please.], do no accept any
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-= responsibility for any damage caused as a result of the
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misuse of the information contained within this text file.
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What the Hell? Go ahead and give all the blame to me. I
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will accept ALL fault for ANY misuse of information contained
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from this file. Just tell them that you did it because
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"THE REFLEX told me so... I swear!" Never mind the whole
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purpose of this part of the file.
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Where was I? Back to the file. This is actually like I said, the first
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file that we have done in a little while. You may be asking, "Who?" Well,
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there actually is an Omnipotent, Inc. I am not the only member as questioned
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before. Here's a brief history: It all started when I was a child. No,
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damnit! That's another psychological problem of mine. Anyway, a cold day in
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March of a year numbered somewhere in the early 80s, I received a call from
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two people. They were on three-way calling. They identified themselves as
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The Mugger and Bo Goltex. They said they were starting a small group with the
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purpose that all members contribute something and then the other members can
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prosper. The group would prosper. After hearing this, I thought to myself,
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"These people are probably the regular bunch of geeks that you run into in
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your adventures through the modem underground." I was half-right. The Mugger
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was running a BBS on two drives and it wasn't spectacular. He talked like he
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had a nasal problem. I leeched some wares [not WAREZZZ!!!!1!1!!!1] from him
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and he seemed to not mind. I thought, "I can prosper from this loser." I did
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prosper. The other half turned out to be completely different. I am of
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course referring to Bo Goltex. He talked more human and pretty mature. He
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was a quick thinker and could B.S. his way out of any sticky situation. We
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started talking and found out we had many common interests. Mainly, to use
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other people to get to where we want to be. I found out something that I
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didn't believe at first since Bo has a way of "joking".
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"Hey, Rob, I bet you didn't know I was black."
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"You're right, I really didn't, Willie. I bet you didn't know that
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I was Chinese, did you?"
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"[mild laugh] You are not... But I'm serious."
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"You are not."
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"No one ever believes me when I tell them. God..."
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Well, as it turned out, he really was, and I wasn't (Chinese that is.
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I'm WASP.). We talked constantly everyday. We had great discussions and
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would make fun of everyone that we ran into in the modem world. We soon
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forgot about The Mugger and the cheap O.S.S. group we were going to start with
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him and The Kracked Knight who seemed to be into just about everything else,
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but interest in the group. After knowing him for a couple of years, we only
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exchanged maybe three games. One year ago, he sold his computer in hopes of
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getting an Amiga. Well, as of right now, he still hasn't got it, but we are
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talking more than ever and the group is going strong. He makes contributions
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in the form of information and humor. He has also introduced me to a couple
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of girls to which he always says, "God Rob, I introduced you to Kathy and this
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is the way you repay me...by being mean to me. FINE! I don't want to be your
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friend anymore. Don't call me!" All in humor though. The whole point about
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him selling his computer was that the friendship wasn't based around that.
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Anyway, another member of Omnipotent, Inc. is The Un-Corruptable. I had
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known him since about 3rd grade, but we really didn't get to be friends until
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7th grade. Since then, he has been a partner for most of my carding
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adventures and various other anarchy related events. Especially at Fame City,
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but that's another text file [look for it soon.].
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As of right now, the members of Omnipotent are me, Bo Goltex (Willie),
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The Un-Corruptable (Jason), and The Cheetah (Vince). It is loosely organized
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since we keep putting off major goals, but they are soon to be reached.
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You probably didn't want any of the above, but it comes with the text
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file. Speaking of the text file, the idea came to me as a series of posts
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that I made on The Broadway Show/The Radio Station. This was a very good BBS
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with many of the experienced hackers, and with many of the big names like
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Lex Luthor. It was a hang-out for most of the TAP members and it ran good
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discussions. Anyway, on the anarchy board, I ran a series of posts called
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"How to Catch a Car." In my opinion, they were well received since many
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people complemented me on them and suggested that I put them together into a
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text file. Unfortunately, the messages were gone before I got to them in the
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buffer since I didn't save them. So the following is as close as I can get
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to the original posts with some new and improved material contained.
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I suggest that you people don't cut this text file up as I have seen with
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some other ones.
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About catching an automobile.....
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You see your prey crawling along their trails at very high speeds. You
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want to catch one of these strange looking creatures and maybe even keep it
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as a pet. Well I am here to teach you all about these strange animals called
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cars, about their habitats, and how you can catch and detain one.
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Cars travel along paths of theirs called roads. I'm sure you have
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encountered these car trails. Most cars can be caught in transit here. You
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can tell when a car is awake because it will make a low humming when it is
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barely active and a loud roar when it is moving fast. You use these sounds to
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determine what methods you should use to catch it. If the car is asleep, it
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will make no noise at all. During the day, cars will not have their eyes
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open. This may have something to do with the bright sun. At night, however,
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cars will open their eyes and glow along the trails.
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If a car is in transit along one of the trails, you will have a more
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difficult time trapping it. It is not impossible, though. In order to harass
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the creatures minorly, get a string and put many tin cans on it by punching
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holes in the cans and putting the strings through the holes. Take the string
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to one of the car trails and tie it to a post-like object on one side. Now,
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look at the trail and make sure that you don't see any cars stalking towards
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you. Cross the trail and tie the other end of the string to a post object on
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the other side. Wait. A car will come down the trail and hit the string.
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This will cause a lot of noise and annoy the car. To actually trap a car, you
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can go by a couple of methods. One is to "lure" the car off the trail. This
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can be done by purchasing a STRONG chain long enough to cross the trail. Now
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secure one end of the chain to a very heavy object on one side of trail. Now,
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take the chain and cross the trail [don't forget to check for cars]. You must
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secure the other end at an angle so that the car will follow the chain and
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run into a large object such as a tree. Make sure that the chain is well in
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place and maybe painted dark so that the cars won't be able to see the chain
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in the dark which is the best time to do this. A car will come along and hit
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the chain. Momentum will carry the car into the large object of you choice.
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This will disable the car. If you are lucky, the car will explode.
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Congratulations! You have captured and disable your first car. Examine the
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wreckage and take souvenirs to have mounted and placed above your fire place.
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The other method is to disable the legs or "tires" of the cars. This can be
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done with some spikes called calthrops. They are designed so that whenever
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you throw them down, one point will always land straight up. The ones used
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by the O.S.S. during World War II were dropped behind enemy lines along major
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supply routes to delay deliveries. The calthrops were made of hollow spike so
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that the air would escape the tires of the vehicles quickly. Our versions
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won't be that complicated since a simple version will disable most of the cars
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that you see on the trails these days. You can make your own if you have a
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small welding torch [you can pick one up at Radio Shack] and some nails. To
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make one by filing both ends of the nails so that they are sharp on both ends.
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Now bend them all at 135 degree angles. Weld two nails together at the point
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where you bent them so that they form a tetrahedron shaped spike. Throw it
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on the floor and step on it to make sure it will land with a point up. You
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may have to experiment with the angle at which you bend the nails. Anyway,
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make many of these calthrops and then carry them to the car trail. Sprinkle
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the calthrops all over the road. Wait. A car will come along and run over
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the spot where you sprinkled them. If a car is injured by a caltrop, it will
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start making a hissing noise. This is just noise as it is safe to approach
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the captured game now. One time I did this and just as I approached my catch,
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it regurgitated a human that it must have eaten earlier. I thought that this
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fellow human would be thankful that I saved his life from an automobile, but
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he chased me for a long distance yelling obscenities at me. God! Some people
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just are so ungrateful. Well, I guess I got revenge in a way since another
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large car came along and started to help move its injured friend. It was at
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this point that the large car ate the man and the crawled off carrying its
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fellow car behind it.
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Cars are best caught when they are asleep, though. They can be found
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asleep it caves known as "garages". It is here that you can disable it many
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ways. You can play with its digestive system and other innards. To do some
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damage to it when it is on the road. You can take the hubcap off the leg and
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then loosen the lug bolts. This way, when the car is running down a trail,
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its leg will fall off and the car will spin without control and crash into a
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large object. Sometimes it will regurgitate a human, but other times, it will
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just bleed all over its windshield. To cause a jack-rabbit start in an
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automobile, get under its hood and place a split shot sinker that is used by
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fishermen on the accelerator cable by extending a portion of the cable and
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then placing the lead weight on the extended portion. This will effectively
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block the cable from returning causing the throttle to run wide open. Try
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placing super-glue in the keyholes on the side of the animal to annoy it.
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Try placing some long nails propped up against the tires. If you can get
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under the hood of the car, remove the distributor cap and use graphite from a
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pencil to contact the rotor brushes. The charge will run along the graphite
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causing the engine to misfire. Lot's of fun. Disable its battery/heart by
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removing the battery caps and placing some Alka-Seltzer in the battery. This
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will neutralize the acid inside the battery making it useless. Take a small
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pin and push tiny holes through the spark-plug wires. This, too, will cause
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it to misfire. About messing up its digestive system: You can introduce
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many things into its normal drink which is gasoline. Try large amounts of
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sugar. This will cause the engine to clog up in many places needing a whole
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overhaul. One of the best materials is to use something like maple syrup
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since some of the cheap brands are almost pure syrup and really thick. This
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will cause it to clog up even better. On cold days when cars need to heat up
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in the morning, put a potato in the exhaust pipe/anus. The building pressure
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will cause the potato to shoot out with a very high force able to dent metal.
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Try drilling holes in the muffler or even better, yet. Put a gallon of gas
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into the muffler with a long hose and you can see a fire-breathing car when
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it wakes up. If you don't really mind waking the car, you can just take your
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old Louisville Slugger and slug the shit out of the thing.
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Well there you have the best ways to catch and trap automobiles. If I
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can think of more. There will be updates to this file.
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This has been another Omnipotent, Incorporated text file. Feel free to
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spread the file around if you feel you want to. It did take a little while to
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type but what the hell.
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Before I go, I want to recommend that you call The Darque Side of the Moon
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AE/BBS. You can access the AE without having to be on the BBS. There is no
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password and it is mostly text files. It is running 24 hours a day on an
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original version of AE where you just have to type ">" or "<" to go up and
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down the 100 volumes. Also, it runs on 300/1200/2400 baud. The sense of
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humor and morals of the board really scrape the bottom of the proverbial bucket
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so there it a good reason to call. No discrimination unless you are a total
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loser. Finally, the phone number: Try and guess it. Just joking. Like I
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said before, a sense of humour is necessary in this business.
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[] The Darque Side of the Moon - [408] 245-SPAM
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Call it and vomit! Or something like that. Be merry and Fleece!
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Omnipotent -- Fleece! Fleece! Fleece!
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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