73 lines
3.0 KiB
Plaintext
73 lines
3.0 KiB
Plaintext
Subject: Good advice
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Organization: SERC, Department of Computer Sciences, Purdue Univ.
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Date: Tue, 10 Oct 89 13:59:39 EST
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From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
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Many people think that the concepts and ideas that they read
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about typical SF story are derived from the imagination of the
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writer. How do you know this? Many of the things I have read about
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would require an imagination that borders on mental illness. Are
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these writers producing autobiographies, thinly disguised as science
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fiction? Just in case, I present here a brief guide, to help you in
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the event that something you have read about actually happens to
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you.
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What to do ...
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1. If you get a phone call from Mars.
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Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
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your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
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speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary
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citizen.
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Q. What if he or she doesn't speak English?
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Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the
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phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to
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you, he or she would have taken the trouble to learn the language
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before calling.
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2. If you get a phone call from Jupiter?
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Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from
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Jupiter, he or she is not `life as we know it'. Try to terminate
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the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you.
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3. If a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your
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backyard?
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First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have
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any film. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
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they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
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Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
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wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
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4. If you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
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closet contains an alternate dimension?
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Don't go in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
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and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
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and go back to bed. Check your closet in the morning. If it
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still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
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5. If reality disappears?
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Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There is not much you can
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do about it. It can be quite unpleasant.
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6. If you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
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traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
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Follow the books on this one. Ask about the stock market and
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cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and
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visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a
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paradox.
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I hope this guide will be of help to you, should you find
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yourself confronted with any of the situations described. If
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anything like the above should happen to you, get out your
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typewriter, and crank out a story.
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