73 lines
3.0 KiB
Plaintext
73 lines
3.0 KiB
Plaintext
|
Subject: Good advice
|
|||
|
|
Organization: SERC, Department of Computer Sciences, Purdue Univ.
|
|||
|
|
Date: Tue, 10 Oct 89 13:59:39 EST
|
|||
|
|
From: Gene Spafford <spaf@cs.purdue.edu>
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Many people think that the concepts and ideas that they read
|
|||
|
|
about typical SF story are derived from the imagination of the
|
|||
|
|
writer. How do you know this? Many of the things I have read about
|
|||
|
|
would require an imagination that borders on mental illness. Are
|
|||
|
|
these writers producing autobiographies, thinly disguised as science
|
|||
|
|
fiction? Just in case, I present here a brief guide, to help you in
|
|||
|
|
the event that something you have read about actually happens to
|
|||
|
|
you.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
What to do ...
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
1. If you get a phone call from Mars.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit
|
|||
|
|
your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are
|
|||
|
|
speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary
|
|||
|
|
citizen.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Q. What if he or she doesn't speak English?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the
|
|||
|
|
phone. If your Martian really had something important to say to
|
|||
|
|
you, he or she would have taken the trouble to learn the language
|
|||
|
|
before calling.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
2. If you get a phone call from Jupiter?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from
|
|||
|
|
Jupiter, he or she is not `life as we know it'. Try to terminate
|
|||
|
|
the conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
3. If a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your
|
|||
|
|
backyard?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have
|
|||
|
|
any film. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive,
|
|||
|
|
they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude.
|
|||
|
|
Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably
|
|||
|
|
wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
4. If you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your
|
|||
|
|
closet contains an alternate dimension?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Don't go in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back,
|
|||
|
|
and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm
|
|||
|
|
and go back to bed. Check your closet in the morning. If it
|
|||
|
|
still contains an alternate dimension, nail it shut.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
5. If reality disappears?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There is not much you can
|
|||
|
|
do about it. It can be quite unpleasant.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
6. If you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time
|
|||
|
|
traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you?
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
Follow the books on this one. Ask about the stock market and
|
|||
|
|
cash in. Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and
|
|||
|
|
visit your younger self before you die, or you will create a
|
|||
|
|
paradox.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
I hope this guide will be of help to you, should you find
|
|||
|
|
yourself confronted with any of the situations described. If
|
|||
|
|
anything like the above should happen to you, get out your
|
|||
|
|
typewriter, and crank out a story.
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|
|||
|
|
|