87 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
87 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
From crist@cs.unc.edu Tue Aug 1 16:55:22 1989
|
||
From: crist@cs.unc.edu (David Crist)
|
||
Subject: Truths About Women
|
||
|
||
|
||
(This an original text that I just happen to spout spontaniously at about 3:00am
|
||
the other night. Hope you like it. -- David Crist)
|
||
____________________________________________________
|
||
|
||
DAVID'S TRUTHS ABOUT WOMEN
|
||
|
||
In this world, there are two sets of women: women that you would love to be
|
||
with, and women that would love to be with you. THERE IS NO UNION OF THESE
|
||
TWO SETS.
|
||
|
||
Any woman that you become extremely attracted to will tell you that you are
|
||
the best friend that a woman could ever have.
|
||
|
||
Being told that you are nice is:
|
||
the equivalent to her saying, "I wish that you were my brother."
|
||
a curse.
|
||
her way of saying that "I hope we can just be friends.
|
||
|
||
A Slut is a woman that will sleep with anyone. A Bitch is a woman that will
|
||
sleep with anyone but you. All women are Bitches.
|
||
|
||
Only beautiful women who are engaged or engaged to be engaged or married or
|
||
your mother's best friend will think that you are a wonderful person that any
|
||
woman would die for.
|
||
|
||
These same women will be completely dumbfounded at the revelation that you
|
||
don't go out with a hundred women a week. Much less one.
|
||
|
||
When a woman says "No!" she really means "Yes!" -- except, of course, when she
|
||
means "NO!"
|
||
|
||
Unless you make over a million dollars a year, you must completely ignore and
|
||
demean a woman to gain here affection. If you completely disregard her
|
||
existence, she'll die for you.
|
||
|
||
The degree of subtlety used by a woman is inversely proportional to how
|
||
attracted you are to her. If you are absolutely in love with everything about
|
||
her, her hints will amount to, "I really like your roommates new shoes." If
|
||
you have no attraction to her what-so-ever, she will ask you to come spend a
|
||
week with her in the Bahamas.
|
||
|
||
A woman will confide in you that she slept with your best friend and that he
|
||
treated her like dirt afterwards. She will go on-and-on for hours, until she
|
||
builds up enough nerve to ask him out again.
|
||
|
||
Every woman that you meet that you are instantly attracted to will be:
|
||
Married,
|
||
heavily dating the same guy for the 3rd year,
|
||
a lesbian
|
||
my brother's ex-girlfriend.
|
||
|
||
A "Taken" woman will tell you that you are a great-looking guy, but that looks
|
||
don't matter anyway and that she'd go out with you if she wasn't already
|
||
dating someone.
|
||
|
||
"Taken" women are the only women capable of understanding your wonderful sense
|
||
of humor, you amazing musical talent, your tremendous sensitivity, and
|
||
gracious generosity.
|
||
|
||
A Woman will talk to you about a certain guy that they think is a real jerk,
|
||
wondering what any Woman would see in him, and then ask you to set them up.
|
||
|
||
Women will absolutely drive you crazy and seemingly make no sense.
|
||
|
||
Women will confuse you and make you distraught.
|
||
|
||
Women are the most wonderful things in the entire world. They are the most
|
||
precious element that the world could ever know. Everything from the way
|
||
they look to the way they talk to the way the move, walk, sigh, gesture,
|
||
dance, smile, laugh, cuddle, squeeze, tease, hug, caress, smell, taste -- is
|
||
fantastic.
|
||
________________________________
|
||
|
||
|
||
--
|
||
Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
|
||
Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
|
||
|
||
If you MUST reply to a rejection, include a description of your joke
|
||
because there is 0 chance I will remember which one it was.
|
||
|
||
|