105 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
105 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
Golf Rules
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(With parenthetical commentary by a course owner.)
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1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, nor-
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mally one club and two balls. (No bag or cart? That tees
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me off. I don't even get a Caddy, I suppose. I'd prefer
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pink.)
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2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
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(And does the owner approve of this duffer par nix-cellen-
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ce?)
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3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the
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hole and keep the balls out of the hole. (Although it is
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perfectly all right to dangle the balls over the hole.)
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4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft.
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Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before
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play begins. (And if the proposed shaft does not meet the
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course owner's specifications for stiffness, course owner is
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free to try a few strokes and check player's balls for
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spring and resilience.)
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5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to
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avoid damage to the hole. (Although there is nothing to
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stop them from experimenting with heretofore untried
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lengths, either.)
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6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as neces-
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sary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is
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complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied
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permission to play the course again. (Players who complete
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play without executing a satisfactory number of strokes may
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try again if the owner is willing; however, practicing on
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another course with reportedly satisfactory results does not
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entitle a player to automatic return privileges on the
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owner's course.)
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7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immedi-
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ately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player
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will normally take time to admire the entire course, with
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special attention to well formed bunkers. (Rolling hills,
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well-trimmed foliage and properly watered fairways are also
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worthy of compliment, and the owner will be listening for
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acknowledgement of such.)
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8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have
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played or are currently playing to the owner of the course
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being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage
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players' equipment for this reason. (SAY no MORE!)
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9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their
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own protection and that of the owner. (Owners have been
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known to lend rain gear to unequipped players, but this is
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considered bad form, and may result in the player not being
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invited to the owner's tournament again.)
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10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been
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scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played
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for the first time. Previous players have been known to
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become irritated if they discover someone else playing on
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what they consider to be a private course. (Nonetheless,
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course owner has final say, and may be inclined to invite
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more than one player for purposes of pleasure and profit.
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Let the player beware.)
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11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at
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all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the
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course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised
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to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced
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players will find alternative means of play when this is the
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case. (The TRULY advanced player will behave like a gentle-
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man and affect not to notice the condition of the course,
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remarking that it appears to be kept at its usual high
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standards, and may even learn to use the altered conditions
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to his benefit and playing pleasure.)
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12. The course owner is responsible for the manicuring and
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pruning of any bush around the hole to allow for improved
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viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.
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(Unless it is known that a particular player's predilections
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tend otherwise.)
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13. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission
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before attempting to play the back nine. (There are no
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exceptions to this rule.)
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14. Slow play is encouraged. However, players should be pre-
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pared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at
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the course owner's request. (Be advised that this is rare,
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however. Course owners, as a rule, take great pleasure in
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players who luxuriate on their greens and can appreciate a
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well-tended course at length.)
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15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting,
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to play the same hole several times in one match. (Make
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sure the owner has no objection to the use of extra clubs,
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however.)
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16. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best
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player. (Fortunately, most course owners tend to be fairly
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delicate in these matters, preferring a discreet silence to
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harsh honesty, which dovetails very nicely with the players'
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tendency to lie outrageously on their score cards.)
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