210 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
210 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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THE HIDDEN OBVIOUS #18!!!!
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Here is a file from the newest member of the THO team, Exodus. He's a
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little warped, but that's why we like him :)
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-Pip
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Harve & Marve:Goto Limbo
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========================== By Exodus
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Once upon a time there were two goblins named Harve and
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Marve.They usually thought of different things to get into and ways to
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get into trouble.They live in a pile of hay in a big old barn in New
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York City.
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It was in the middle of the summer and they were both laying
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around in their haystack."I tell you mate,I'm bored",said Marve."Me
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too",replied Harve."Want to go for a walk?,I mean there is nothing else
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to do around here",suggested Harve."Yeah I can't find that damn needle
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in here at all,let's go",said Marve.
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So the two goblins were off,just walking around the big old city
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of New York."You know what we should do",said Marve."What?",questioned
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Harve."We should sometime buy a air conditioner for our haystack",said
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Marve."Good idea,hey I wonder if Dovetail is home?",asked Harve."Nope
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she's not,probably at the beach working on that tan of hers",said Marve.
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They were walking right past a dark alley,when Harve saw it.A
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innocent looking stray cat.It was then that Harve made one of the
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greatest mistakes of his life,he said a phrase that should never be said
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in public,with so many people around."Hey nice pussy",he said,pointing
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to the cat.
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Unfortunately a little old-lady just happened to be passing as
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he said this."What!?!,ruffians!",said the old-lady."Hey Harve watch your
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mouth,your gonna get us into trouble",warned Marve."I'm sorry mam,I
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meant the cat not you",said Harve to the old lady."I'm tired of being
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harassed",she yelled.She then pulled out a shotgun out of her
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pocket-book."You guys better run",she smiled."Oh great,see what you got
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us into",said Marve."Hey I'm sorry,I didn't mean it",replied Harve.
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They then promptly ran away from the old lady as fast as their
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little legs would carry them.For what seemed like hours the lady chased
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them all over the city,shooting at them every minute she could."Good
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thing she has cataracts",laughed Harve,"She can't see a bloody thing!".A
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shot then just whipped past Harve's head slighty grazing him."Please
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just shut-up,I gotta think of a way outa this",yelled Marve.
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They kept running,running,running,running,and one more for good
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measure,and running.They saw a huge tall building across the street,"Hey
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lets get over there for more cover",said Marve."I'm for it",said Harve.
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Both of them ran right across the street,not even looking for any other
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cars coming,causing half a dozen accidents in the process."Well I doubt
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she'll find us over here",said Harve.
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Both goblins thought they were safe there,but they forgot to
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look up.A piano was hanging vicariously by a rope about 20 feet above
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their heads.With a loud SNAP it fell right onto their
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heads....flattening them flatter then a pancake.........
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"Ohhhhhh,ouououououch,ugggggggg,where am I?"."My head is killing
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me,my hands,my body,my peni.......,Good that one is still there"."The
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pain will subside my sons",called a booming voice.Slowly Harve and Marve
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opened their eyes,to see a huge lobster staring them in the face.The
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place around them was completely white,like a fog of nothingness.
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"Damn!,where are we?",asked Harve."You are now in Limbo,you have
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died",said the lobster."And who are you?",asked Marve."My full name is
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Eatyourdamnseafoodnowyoubloodybastard",said the lobster."But you my call
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me by my nickname,Mr. Lobster",said the huge crustacean."God is my
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brother",replied Mr. Lobster."You are in Limbo,waiting for further
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judgement,have fun it may be a while,probably a few million years at the
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very least",said Mr. Lobster."Hmmm,let's see our entertainment isn't as
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good as Heaven's,but it's definitely better than Hell's,I might add",the
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lobster chuckled."While your here check out our movie
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theater,cafe,park,sports arena,and a favorite of mine,our very own whore
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house,one that even the angels of heaven are known to go to"."Well,I
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must be going,tartar",and with that the huge lobster disappeared into
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nothingness.
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"Well,looks like we've actually died,I can't believe it",sobbed
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Harve."Hey quit your crying,we'll find a way out of here,trust me I know
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what I'm doing",said Marve.They heard movement off to their
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left,"Quiet,someones coming over here",said Harve.
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The figure was dressed all in robes and bore a striking
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resemblance to the Pope."Hail,oh mighty Pope",said Harve."What?,I'm not
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the Pope,I'm Sir Charles the Serial Killer",said the figure."But you can
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call me Charley,if you like.I've single-handedly murdered 1.5*10<31>
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people,all by myself too".".5?",questioned Marve."Well,yes one of them
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didn't have any legs",replied Charley."Wow,so you did this with only one
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hand?",asked Harve."Yep",nodded Charley,"I've even wrote a book on
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it,501 Ways to Successfully Kill Someone with One Hand"."Wasn't that
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book on the New York Times bestseller list?",asked Marve."It was on the
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list for 3 straight years",beamed Charley."Why are you in the Pope's
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outfit?",questioned Harve,pointing to Charley's odd taste of
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clothing."Well boys,the taylors in Limbo don't know how to dress
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anyone,the other day I was wearing a cheer-leaders mini-skirt,it was
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most embarrassing",blushed Charley.
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"Well,boys were are you headed?",said Charley."Were off to get a
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air conditioner for our haystack",said Marve."Hmmmm,I hear the best ones
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are in Hell itself,the Devil likes to keep cool down there you
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know"."Well,mind if I join you in your adventures?,my judgement probably
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won't be for another million years",said Charley."Sure,it would be an
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honor to have you for company",said Harve."I know I special backdoor to
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hell,follow me",said Charley.
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Charley navigated them carefully around Limbo.6 hours later they
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approached a small storm door in the middle of the whiteness."Is this
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it?",Harve pointed to the door."Yep,it is",said Charley."Now if I could
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just...",he moved over to the door,"Damn!,it's locked",said Charley."Hey
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isn't there a password or something?",asked Marve."Good idea,let's just
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see if I can remember it",said Charley.They waited for about 4
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hours,"Hey everybody I remebered it!",yelled Charley."Well say it
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then",pleaded Harve."Okay here it goes,let's hope I don't forget it
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later",said Charley.With a inhale of air,he arched his back,and
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confidently said,"Enter".The door opened with a loud cracking
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noise."Hurraaayyyy,were gonna finally maybe,possibly get our air
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conditioner now",said Harve."Oh Harve,why don't you just go to
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Hell!",said Marve.
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"Sure,I'd love too",replied Harve,and with that he jumped right
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into the redness behind the door."Let's go!",yelled Marve,while him and
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Charley dove into the redness.Within minutes after falling for about 2
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hours they hit the ground.The immediate stench of rotten flesh and stale
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popcorn assaulted them.
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"Yep,were now in Hell",confirmed Charley."Damn,that smell,it's
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aweful",said Marve."Aw,I kind of like it,it reminds me of what I had for
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breakfast",said Harve."Just shut-up",Marve and Charley yelled at
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Harve."Come'on follow me,I think I know where the devil's hangout is
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around here",said Charley.
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After a few hours of walking,they all were getting very
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tired."Don't they have any mass-transportation in Hell?",asked
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Marve."Afraid not,that's why they call it Hell",said Charley."Okay
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around this bend and we should see the devil's house in sight",stated
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Charley.
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They all quietly and quickly and carefully and abruptly
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moved around the bend.There straight ahead of them was the devil's
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hang-out."Hey it's the White House",said Harve."Except the devil in
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there is the real one",said Marve."Well guys let's go,time's
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awasting...NOT",said Charley.
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The group approached the front door,"Now how do we open this
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one?",asked Marve."Another password,I believe,damn it might take me
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awhile to think of it",said Charley.Five hours later..."I got
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it!!",exclaimed Charley."Here it goes,Open!",he yelled.The door opened
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with a loud jingle."Ha can you beat that,the devil put bells on the
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outside of his front door,how nice of him",said Harve."Hell's bells he
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calls them I think",said Charley.
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Harve and Marve followed Charley closely as he made his way
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through the halls of the devil's hang-out."We'll be there soon",assured
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Charley."I hope so,that smell of stale popcorn is making me hungry",said
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Harve.They soon entered a large nice cool room,with the sound of a large
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air conditioner running in the background."Come'on this is it!",yelled
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Marve and they all ran over to the beautiful air conditioner in the
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wall."Wow it's a Power-Cool 9000,made by Inferno Inc.,hey and get this
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it's insured for ten million years",said Marve."Good just what we
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need",said Harve.Marve pulled a crow-bar out of his pants and both
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goblins and Charley had the air conditioner out of the wall in no
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time."This will keep our haystack cold all summer long",said Marve in
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relief.
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All of the sudden they heard footsteps off to there immediate
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left."Ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaa,did you think I would let you take my most
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prized possession",laughed the devil."No,but I figured we would give it
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a shot anyway",shrugged Harve."By the way do you have any of that
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popcorn around here?",asked Harve."Sorry but I already ate it all last
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night",said the Devil.
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"Prepare to die scum!",the Devil said to Charley,as he pulled
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out his nightsaber from it's sheath."Greetings,Sir Charley,it has been
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long indeed since we last fought,are you still one with the powers of
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the Light Side?",asked the Devil."Yes I am!",barked Charley,as he drew
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his own nightsaber from the folds of his robe.The air was crackling and
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popping as both the Devil and Charley swung their blades at each other.
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"Oh boy!,a fight",exclaimed Harve."Now I wish I really had some
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popcorn",he said.
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The Devil and Charley fought for hours each countering each
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other with similar blows and slashes."Of course you realize you are my
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SON",said the Devil."NOOOOOO,it can't be!",cried Charley."Well that
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son of a bitch",said Marve."No that's son of a devil",corrected Harve.
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"Who's my mother",demanded Charley."That doesn't matter
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now",said the Devil."Who's my MOTHER!",yelled Charley,and his attacks
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became more frequent,and harder to hit."Your dexterity is too
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low",laughed the Devil."Really?,mines 21",said Charley confidently."Ha
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mines 23!,I beat you Na NA na ne na",taunted the Devil."Tell me about my
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mommy,or I'll finish you off here and now",demanded
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Charley."Okay,okay,let the truth be known,I'm impetent",said the
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Devil."Ha",laughed Charley."Your mother was artificially
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inceminated",said the Devil.
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"What? she was artificially urinated?",asked Harve."No no no
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no",replied Marve."This fight may take a LONG time guys",said
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Charley."Here take this",he threw a very old parchment at them."It's a
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map to a door that will lead you to another door out of hell and into
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the real world",said Charley."Thanx man",said Marve."Yeah your like our
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favorite serial-killer now",said Harve."No prob",said Charley,"Just
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trying to be of service".
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Harve and Marve quickly made there way through Hell,till they
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found another storm door."Damn,this air conditioner is getting
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heavy",proclaimed Harve."Wait a few minutes I gotta try to figure out
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the right password",said Marve.Hours later "Damn I can't figure it
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out!,I'm stumped",said Marve as he slumped to the ground in
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disappointment."What seems to be the problem?",asked Harve,"the door is
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already unlocked"."What!?!,why didn't you say that in the first
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place?",demanded Marve."I was thinking about the popcorn",answered
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Harve.
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They both opened the door and walked through.To their surprise
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they ended up back in their haystack."Ahhhh,safe at last",both said at
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the same time.A little while later they had the air conditioner
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installed and both just sat there relaxing in their cooled
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home..........
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++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
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How would you like to be a writer for THO? Call up the Asylum at
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9o8-914-9318 (NUP : I LOVE FEDS) and leave mail to Pip the Angry Youth.
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You can also get in contact with us by leaving Pip the Angry Youth mail
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on GODnet at the address 143/143:1.
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Peace,
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Pip the Angry Youth
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