218 lines
9.8 KiB
Plaintext
218 lines
9.8 KiB
Plaintext
TTTTTTTT H H OOOO # # 1 77777
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T TT T H H OO OO ##### 11 7 7
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TT HHHHH O O # # 1 7
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TT H H OO OO ##### 1 7
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TTTT. H H. OOOO. # # 11111 7
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the Index Kard Series
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by MABCOSS and THANATOS
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part 1
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Notice:
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The Index Kard story has an extremely unusual beginning. In 1994, in
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Veteran's Memorial Middle School, Mr G and Mr M (also the authors of
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the Chronicles of Pat, THO #10) found some old papers inside an
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abandoned desk. On these papers were a certain five-year-old's
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"CCD" homework things. The child's name was Eric.
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Well, while Mr G and I were making fun of these papers, as we do of
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everything, it came to our attention that one of the child's
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signatures seemed.. extraordinary. Upon closer inspection, it looked
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like the signature was forged. The "contract," if you will, was as
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follows:
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I, ____________, love the Lord God and love my Christian
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Disciple Church of Jesus. I promise never to obey Satan...
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...Or something like that. The point is that it seemed like someone
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was forcing young Eric into signing the contract.
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On another paper, there was a picture of a man with some type of
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aura about him, holding a box of index kards out to a young boy. And
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on yet another paper, there were images of destruction and glory.
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This we incorporated into our stories as the Index Kard Series. It
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seemed to us that God no longer used stone tablets and burning bushes
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to communicate with us weak Earthlings. He now uses index kards, ball
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point Bic pens, and wreaks havoc among our fellow cities and nations.
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Please continue to read these (strange) short stories of the Lord's
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hatred for his most monstrous creation ever: Mankind.
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P.S. Some of these short stories may be considered ..non-pertaining
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to index kards. They actually were part of the GodSeries we
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created.. but for the sake of similarity between the two
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series, and for you 2400 downloaders out there, I combined
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them. ...Oh, yeah! And.. Don't read this if you are VERY
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religiously involved!! I mean it! I hereby disclaim myself
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from your anger, or madness, or whatever you want to call
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it. :)
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Section I:
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The Real Ten Commandments
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These are the true commandments that God attempted to thrust upon
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Moses. In actuality, Satan intercepted the pass, and changed them
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into what many people now live by. We give you: The REAL Ten
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Commandments!
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1. Thou shalt treat index kards with respect.
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2. Thou shall not tell the truth.
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3. Thou shall kill.
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4. Thou shall steal.
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5. Thou shalt humiliate the one cursed by me, named Patrick.
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6. Thou shall steal from Patrick.
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7. Thou shalt worship index kards.
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8. Thou shalt not kill Pat, but torture him instead.
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9. Thou shalt not worship shallack.
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10. Thou shalt give all thy money to all Jehovas Witness Programs.
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Section II:
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Introduction to the Index Kard Series
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John had an index kard and threw it out. He died early the next
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morning. This and many other occurences are some of the....
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Unsolved Acts of God!
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Section III:
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Mrs. Maria Jones
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A middle-aged woman named Mrs. Maria Jones was sitting on her
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porch one morning when she saw an index kard on the table. She
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wrote on it without giving credit to Jehovas Witness Incorporated.
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The next day, she went bald, grew four heads, and drowned herself
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in the toilet. Was this an act of God, or simply a very strange
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woman? We interviewed her neighbors. Mr. Mackinley gave us this
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insight: "She was a good person. ...Never hurt an index kard in
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her life." Mrs. Robinson, her next-door neighbor, said, "I
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suspected it all along -- she was Elvis."
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Section IV:
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Johnathan Kreako
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On March 29<32>, 1984, Johnathan Kreako swore to God that he could
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get into the Guinness Book of World Records by standing up on a
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three hundred-foot pole on one foot with 43 books on his head,
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and not fall. He fell. The fall wouldn't have killed him, normally,
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since there was four-mile-thick padding in place of soil and tar
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below him. But as soon as he neared the ground, spikes rose up
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and he was apparently butchered to death.
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Section V:
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Mr. Edrichson
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Last Tuesday, Mr. Edrichson stopped a burglar from stealing over
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12,000 index kards from the Swiss Index Kard Reserve (SIKR). He
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found a single stray index kard after his fight with the burglar
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and kept it for himself. On the ride home, he was hit by a comet and
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spontaneously combusted.
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Section VI:
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Death of the Pope
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Choir > "The Lord is God, the Lord is one!"
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God > "But you're not one anymore!" shouted God as he broke through
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the window of the new church built on Van Zile Road. "Jonah!
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You and your whale take care of them while I take on the big
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guy."
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Pope > "God, you came! My prayers are answered!"
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God > "Just because you're the Pope, you think that you can do things
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in the name of God!"
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Pope > "God, I'm sorry! Please - no; don't --"
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God > GuLP.
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Section VII:
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Lillian's Freakin Orange, PaRT 1 of 2
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One day, Lillian had an orange. She tried to peel it, but it felt
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like rubber. She tried knives, forks, razors, and electric drills.
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Finally, she sat back and prayed to the Almighty Lord for the
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orange to open. And, lo and behold, wonder of wonders, it did!
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But.........
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Section VIII:
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Lillian's Freakin Orange, PaRT 2 of 2
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The light shone down on the land of Oz. A miracle had occured! It
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was felt everywhere... Something religious had happened. Thad went
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over to Lillian's house to investigate - who knows why; he must
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have read the story already. When he got there, Lillian was nowhere
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to be found.. All that could be seen was an orange statue that
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slightly resembled her. Hm.
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Intermission: [[ Note that I am not yet dead. I repeat: No lightning [[
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]] bolt has flown out of the sky and killed me as yet! ]]
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[[ Although my dog is foaming at the mouth..... and my [[
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]] gerbils are puking up huge green chunks of shit.... ]]
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Section IX:
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Pirates & Gold
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One day, Jason was playing Pirates & Gold with his friend Johnny.
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They were in the middle of searching for buried treasure, and
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Johnny was on the other side of their backyard, when Jason found
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an index kard. Since he had read this story already - and knew
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how it ended - he gave the kard to Johnny. Johnny loved the gift
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very much, and played with it daily. All of a sudden, the kard
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grew a penis, and began butt-fucking Johnny. Johnny got AIDS, and
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died a gruesome death.
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Section X:
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Father Jesipeke Montoya
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On Wednesday, April 99th, Father Jesipeke Montoya was giving out
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index kards to the poor. Little did he know that one of the poor
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people was really Farmer Jones in disguise trying to get a free
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index kard. That night, according to Father Montoya, God came to
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him and told him to eat Farmer Jones for stealing an index kard.
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The next day, Farmer Jones was eaten with refried rice. When
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Father Montoya was arrested, he told the cops his story.. and
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they let him go. To this day, this is the third cannibal case
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in which a priest claimed that God told him to eat someone.
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Section XI:
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Blasphemy Reigns Again
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Jim > "God damn it!" shouted Jim. "Another hamster died when I flushed
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it down the toilet! This means that my Patent-Pending HAMSTER
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SCUBA DIVING GEAR doesn't work!"
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God > "Blasphemer!" came a voice from the heavens. Suddenly, down came
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the holy ghost wielding a chainsaw!
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Narr. > "Later that day, after Jim was limbless, the holy ghost called
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to God."
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Ghost > "The Infidel is ready, Dog! I mean.. God!"
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Narr. > "God floated down and cut Jim 463 times with a piece of white
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lined paper.. then ate him and flew back up to heaven."
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God > "My followers.. The war has begun! All Blasphemers, and I
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guess even some non-Blasphemers, shall DiE! PERiSH! CEaSE
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To EXiST! CATCH MY DRIFT?!"
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Section XII:
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Sales Pitch for the RGS (RGS stands for Real GOD Series.)
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Once upon a time, there was a thing called "clear skies." But then,
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smog was invented. It was God's way of.. well, just killing everyone
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he possibly could.
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-- DoN'T FoRGET To FiND THe NeW GoD SERiES SoMEWHERE iN YoUR NeAREST THo --
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-- DeALER'S SToCK! --
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___________________________________________________________________________
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/___________________________________________________________________________\
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\___________________________________________________________________________/
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So You WaNT To Be a WRiTeR FoR THo? THeN CaLL uP THe aSYLuM aT 9o8-914-9318
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aND HaVe THe NuP ReaDY, 'I LOVE FEDS'. e-MaiL PiP THe aNGRY YouTH. iF THaT
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iS LD FoR YoU, e-MaiL PiP aT THe GoDNeT aDDReSS oF 143/143:1. THaT iS aLL.
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___________________________________________________________________________
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/___________________________________________________________________________\
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\___________________________________________________________________________/
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