textfiles/magazines/THO/tho017.txt

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                             the Index Kard Series
                           by MABCOSS and THANATOS
                                            part 1

  Notice:

    The Index Kard story has an extremely unusual beginning. In 1994, in
    Veteran's Memorial Middle School, Mr G and Mr M (also the authors of
    the Chronicles of Pat, THO #10) found some old papers inside an 
    abandoned desk. On these papers were a certain five-year-old's 
    "CCD" homework things. The child's name was Eric.

    Well, while Mr G and I were making fun of these papers, as we do of
    everything, it came to our attention that one of the child's
    signatures seemed.. extraordinary. Upon closer inspection, it looked
    like the signature was forged. The "contract," if you will, was as
    follows:

             I, ____________, love the Lord God and love my Christian
             Disciple Church of Jesus. I promise never to obey Satan...

    ...Or something like that. The point is that it seemed like someone
    was forcing young Eric into signing the contract.

    On another paper, there was a picture of a man with some type of
    aura about him, holding a box of index kards out to a young boy. And
    on yet another paper, there were images of destruction and glory.

    This we incorporated into our stories as the Index Kard Series. It
    seemed to us that God no longer used stone tablets and burning bushes
    to communicate with us weak Earthlings. He now uses index kards, ball
    point Bic pens, and wreaks havoc among our fellow cities and nations.

    Please continue to read these (strange) short stories of the Lord's
    hatred for his most monstrous creation ever: Mankind.

    P.S. Some of these short stories may be considered ..non-pertaining
         to index kards. They actually were part of the GodSeries we
         created.. but for the sake of similarity between the two
         series, and for you 2400 downloaders out there, I combined
         them. ...Oh, yeah! And.. Don't read this if you are VERY
         religiously involved!! I mean it! I hereby disclaim myself
         from your anger, or madness, or whatever you want to call
         it. :)


      Section I:
       The Real Ten Commandments

    These are the true commandments that God attempted to thrust upon
    Moses. In actuality, Satan intercepted the pass, and changed them
    into what many people now live by. We give you: The REAL Ten
    Commandments!

      1.  Thou shalt treat index kards with respect.
      2.  Thou shall not tell the truth.
      3.  Thou shall kill.
      4.  Thou shall steal.
      5.  Thou shalt humiliate the one cursed by me, named Patrick.
      6.  Thou shall steal from Patrick.
      7.  Thou shalt worship index kards.
      8.  Thou shalt not kill Pat, but torture him instead.
      9.  Thou shalt not worship shallack.
     10.  Thou shalt give all thy money to all Jehovas Witness Programs.


      Section II:
       Introduction to the Index Kard Series

    John had an index kard and threw it out. He died early the next
    morning. This and many other occurences are some of the....
    Unsolved Acts of God!

      Section III:
       Mrs. Maria Jones
       
    A middle-aged woman named Mrs. Maria Jones was sitting on her
    porch one morning when she saw an index kard on the table. She
    wrote on it without giving credit to Jehovas Witness Incorporated.
    The next day, she went bald, grew four heads, and drowned herself
    in the toilet. Was this an act of God, or simply a very strange
    woman? We interviewed her neighbors. Mr. Mackinley gave us this
    insight: "She was a good person. ...Never hurt an index kard in
    her life." Mrs. Robinson, her next-door neighbor, said, "I
    suspected it all along -- she was Elvis."

      Section IV:
       Johnathan Kreako

    On March 29<32>, 1984, Johnathan Kreako swore to God that he could
    get into the Guinness Book of World Records by standing up on a
    three hundred-foot pole on one foot with 43 books on his head,
    and not fall. He fell. The fall wouldn't have killed him, normally,
    since there was four-mile-thick padding in place of soil and tar
    below him. But as soon as he neared the ground, spikes rose up 
    and he was apparently butchered to death.

      Section V:
       Mr. Edrichson

    Last Tuesday, Mr. Edrichson stopped a burglar from stealing over
    12,000 index kards from the Swiss Index Kard Reserve (SIKR). He
    found a single stray index kard after his fight with the burglar
    and kept it for himself. On the ride home, he was hit by a comet and
    spontaneously combusted.

      Section VI:
       Death of the Pope

    Choir > "The Lord is God, the Lord is one!"
    God   > "But you're not one anymore!" shouted God as he broke through 
             the window of the new church built on Van Zile Road. "Jonah! 
             You and your whale take care of them while I take on the big 
             guy."
    Pope  > "God, you came! My prayers are answered!"
    God   > "Just because you're the Pope, you think that you can do things 
             in the name of God!"
    Pope  > "God, I'm sorry! Please - no; don't --"
    God   > GuLP.

      Section VII:
       Lillian's Freakin Orange, PaRT 1 of 2

    One day, Lillian had an orange. She tried to peel it, but it felt
    like rubber. She tried knives, forks, razors, and electric drills.
    Finally, she sat back and prayed to the Almighty Lord for the
    orange to open. And, lo and behold, wonder of wonders, it did!
    But.........

      Section VIII:
       Lillian's Freakin Orange, PaRT 2 of 2

    The light shone down on the land of Oz. A miracle had occured! It
    was felt everywhere... Something religious had happened. Thad went
    over to Lillian's house to investigate - who knows why; he must
    have read the story already. When he got there, Lillian was nowhere
    to be found.. All that could be seen was an orange statue that
    slightly resembled her. Hm.

  Intermission: [[ Note that I am not yet dead. I repeat: No lightning [[
                ]] bolt has flown out of the sky and killed me as yet! ]]
                [[ Although my dog is foaming at the mouth..... and my [[
                ]] gerbils are puking up huge green chunks of shit.... ]]

      Section IX:
       Pirates & Gold
    
    One day, Jason was playing Pirates & Gold with his friend Johnny.
    They were in the middle of searching for buried treasure, and
    Johnny was on the other side of their backyard, when Jason found
    an index kard. Since he had read this story already - and knew
    how it ended - he gave the kard to Johnny. Johnny loved the gift
    very much, and played with it daily. All of a sudden, the kard
    grew a penis, and began butt-fucking Johnny. Johnny got AIDS, and
    died a gruesome death.
    
      Section X:
       Father Jesipeke Montoya
    
    On Wednesday, April 99th, Father Jesipeke Montoya was giving out
    index kards to the poor. Little did he know that one of the poor 
    people was really Farmer Jones in disguise trying to get a free
    index kard. That night, according to Father Montoya, God came to
    him and told him to eat Farmer Jones for stealing an index kard.
    The next day, Farmer Jones was eaten with refried rice. When
    Father Montoya was arrested, he told the cops his story.. and
    they let him go. To this day, this is the third cannibal case
    in which a priest claimed that God told him to eat someone.

      Section XI:
       Blasphemy Reigns Again

    Jim   > "God damn it!" shouted Jim. "Another hamster died when I flushed
             it down the toilet! This means that my Patent-Pending HAMSTER
             SCUBA DIVING GEAR doesn't work!"
    God   > "Blasphemer!" came a voice from the heavens. Suddenly, down came
             the holy ghost wielding a chainsaw!
    Narr. > "Later that day, after Jim was limbless, the holy ghost called
             to God."
    Ghost > "The Infidel is ready, Dog! I mean.. God!"
    Narr. > "God floated down and cut Jim 463 times with a piece of white
             lined paper.. then ate him and flew back up to heaven."
    God   > "My followers.. The war has begun! All Blasphemers, and I
             guess even some non-Blasphemers, shall DiE! PERiSH! CEaSE
             To EXiST! CATCH MY DRIFT?!"
      
      Section XII:
       Sales Pitch for the RGS  (RGS stands for Real GOD Series.)

    Once upon a time, there was a thing called "clear skies." But then,
    smog was invented. It was God's way of.. well, just killing everyone
    he possibly could.


 -- DoN'T FoRGET To FiND THe NeW GoD SERiES SoMEWHERE iN YoUR NeAREST THo --
 --                            DeALER'S SToCK!                            --

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