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432 lines
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_ /\ _ _ /\ _
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/ \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE / \_/\_/ \_/\_/ \
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\_____/ () \_____/ MM MM 0 //0 0 //0 S E \_____/ () \_____/
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/ \ M M M M 0 // 0 0 // 0 SSSS EEEEE / \
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/ \__/ \ M M M 0// 0 0// 0 S E / \__/ \
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/__________\ M M 0000 0000 SSSSS EEEEEEE /__________\
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DDDD RRRR OOOO PPPPP PPPPP IIIII N N GGGGG SSSSS
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D D R R O O P P P P I NN N G S
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D D RRRR O O PPPPP PPPPP I N N N G GGG SSSS
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D D R R O O P P I N NN G G S
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DDDD R R OOOO P P IIIII N N GGGG SSSSS
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A-M00SE-ING ANECDOTES AND ILLUMINATION BY AND FOR THE PAWNS OF THE
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M00SE ILLUMINATI
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Issue #20| Disclaimer: The Editor will place almost anything | Dec. 9, 1988
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---------- in this newsletter out of a frantic desire to fill ---------------
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the issue, so don't blame him for the quality or content of the submissions.
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Excepting those he may have written himself, the enclosed items do not in any
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way represent the Editor's opinions. In fact, let's be real safe, and say that
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as far as this newsletter is concerned, he has no opinions at all. Okay? Good.
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================================================================================
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**************************** EDITORIALS AND LETTERS ****************************
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Greetings. Due to the hugeness of the issue, there will be no editorial.
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Sorry it took so long. There are a couple items that will be held till
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next issue, due to size.
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This issue will be followed by a complete Chapter list.
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******************************* EVENTS AND NEWS ********************************
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<< Two letters, one of them in response to the multi-thr0ng-a-thon
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Megathr0ng-a-thon idea. >>
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This idea can stick. I like it. Ok, where are all the mid/south m00ses, huh?
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Or is this the only throng in the south/mid area? where are the folks from
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IN, ILL, TX, AR, LO, KT, and other surrounding areas huh? Let me know, and
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we can decide on a place for the M-T-a-T Middle-United-States-Housing
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(that's MUSH). I would be willing to say, have it here in Fayetteville, but
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a lot of m00ses might not be able to make it. Plus I am a poor M00se, and
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dont own a house or anything like that here. Anyway, let's talk MUSH ppl.
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M00seMan
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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Greetings earthm00ses.
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I have pondered the future m-t-a-t and have come up with 2 reasons to have
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it in the Andromeda galaxy, convenience,proximity, and ease- 3! 3 reasons
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to have it in the Andromeda galaxy: convenience, proximity, ease and
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we all have spaceships- 4! 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy,
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(specifically the twenty-third planet from the star, specifically in the little
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village of Myrsxxxphildweeeeblebl00p...nice little town with a few alien
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m00ses whose antlers are fourty feet long...oh dear, I seem to have strayed
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from the main subject...) 4 reasons to have it in the Andromeda galaxy:
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convenience, proximity, ease, we all have spaceships and it's nice-oh
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damn...
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Well, you get my point.
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A very confused and whacked out Mr. S.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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I do hereby propose the last weekend in January for the MTAT. Any
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support or objections?
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Pickle.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< From Mitsya, the Red M00se. >>
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Over thanxgiving vacation, a m00se was killed in the town of Wiscasset,
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ME. It was apparently a hit and run accident, and there was an immediate
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funeral and burial, so the identity of this particular m00se remains in
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question. If there is a m00se whom you know, and was anywhere *near* the
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Wiscasset area, and is now missing, please contact me (ip85033) This cannot be
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tolerated. Spaceebaw bolshoi.
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***************************** FICTION AND POETRY *******************************
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<< Here we have a not-original filksong of sorts, which I found on a listserv
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the day after the election. I'm including it because I want to. >>
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Yesterday
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George Bush seemed so far away
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Now it looks as though he's here to stay
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Oh, I believe in yesterday
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Suddenly
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There's not half the choice there used to be
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There's a shadow hanging over me
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Oh, yesterday came suddenly
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Why
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He
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Had to run
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I don't know
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He wouldn't say
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He's
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Got
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Most things wrong
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Now I long
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For yesterday
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Yesterday
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War was just an easy game to play
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Help me find a place to hide away
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Oh, I believe in yesterday
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< Two of our most productive contributors this issue are Goblin_m00se and
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Salmon M00se. This might, perhaps, fit better under EVENTS, but due to
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the way it was written, I figured "what the hell?" >>
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ADVENTURES IN THE 11TH CENTURY
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or
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WHEN GUMBY WENT TO WAR
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(From the Files of M00selock Holmes)
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It was a dark and stormy night... raining cats and dogs, London-style. The
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night of 21 October, 1988, to be exact. I followed a m00se's vehicle through
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the sheets of rain, to a large brown-and-white house somewhere in Connecticut.
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With a great roar, the yellow Toyota came to a stop.
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Its owner, grabbing a tape out of the glove compartment, cursed as he
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stepped into a large puddle. He ran up to the front door, peered in the side
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window. Seeing no lights, he vaulted back down the front stairs and ran around
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to the side of the house. There was a light on in the cellar, and several
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above ground level. He must have realized his actions looked suspicious,
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because he ran back to the front porch and rang the doorbell.
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Generally, when people ring doorbells at 11:30 PM, a house's owner answers
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the door with a shotgun. Not this time, though. The m00se was let into the
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house. I crept up to the newly-lighted window and tried to peer beneath the
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window shade, in the 2-millimetre gap between it and the window frame. Wats0n
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sneezed, and I shoved my pipe up his nose, to prevent further noises. I turned
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back to my vigil.
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Inside were four m00ses: Fuzzy, Snarf, SalmonM00se, and Goblin_m00se.
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Attaching my suction-cup stethoscope to the window-glass, I sat back on
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Wats0n's hunched-over form and listened.
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The tape played; at first I thought it was a Beach Boys' song, but its
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lyrics had something to do with a Soviet sub grounded in Malibu. Odd, these
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four were. They talked quite a bit, their conversation centering on mead,
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Scotch-guard, and Lazer Tag. Eventually, around 3:30 AM, they went to sleep.
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Some of the more interesting snatches of conversation involved removing
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Goblin_m00se's clothes and taking pictures while she slept...
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<->-<->-<->-<->-<->
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It was a dark and stormy morning. Two people left; SalmonM00se, as I
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could identify him now, and the female non-m00se after him. The rain
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continued, pouring like dead cats. (I have nothing against cats, mind you, as
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long as they're stuffed.) I kicked Wats0n's sleeping form and told him to
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climb up to the third-floor window and see what was going on. He fell off the
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side of the house, and I left him stuck head-first in the mud. I had more
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important things to do. I climbed to the bedroom window.
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Goblin_m00se was curled up in bed, pillows everywhere. One m00se, Fuzzy,
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stuck his head in, wondering if she was going to sleep forever. Goblin_m00se
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finally staggered out of bed, looking like the living dead, then began dressing
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in tenth-century clothes. I cursed Wats0n for not buying more film.
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Eventually, with two others, they climbed into a Mercury Marquis and sped
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off. I tossed Wats0n into my orange Isuzu and pulled out after them. Finally
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catching up to them on the motorway, I was hard-pressed to keep up with them.
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Their velocity was increasing rapidly, as was mine. I saw, from the corner of
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my eye, a hidden police car. As we passed, the radar, which was pointed lazily
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out the window, exploded. I had no time to contemplate this happenstance, as
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we went to PLAID.
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During the ride through hyperspace, Goblin_m00se's automobile
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metamorphosed into a maroon dragon. My own vehicle, I am sad to note, could
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muster no more than a brightly-coloured iguana. It sufficed, however. We were
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at our destination.
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We were in a large, rutted field. The dragon was becoming mired in the
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soggy ground, and several people ran towards it. "Oh dear," I thought,
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"They're going to kill Goblin_m00se." I hopped off of my iguana and hid. After
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a second thought, I grabbed Wats0n down from the iguana and pulled him to my
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hiding place.
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The people were more benevolent than I thought; they merely helped the
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dragon to an empty space. Its four riders piled off and walked to a table
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marked TROLL BOOTH. There were four: Goblin_m00se, Fuzzy, and two others, one
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of them a monk. The monk looked faintly m00sey, but I couldn't tell from that
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distance. They paid some gold to the troll, and walked past.
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Not much happened for a while, except that they met up with SalmonM00se
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and a female M00se whose name I didn't know. I'll have to refer to her
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anonym00sely.
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The entire field was full of mediaeval people. I checked my watch; it
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read "SOMEWHERE BETWEEN AD 600 AND AD 1650". Well, that's Japanese technology
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for you.
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The m00ses eventually entered a large barn, with the rest of the
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middle-aged people. (Well, most of them were fairly young.) I watched as His
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Immensity, the Baron Beyond the Mountain, held court. Immediately following,
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the King of the East held court. My head fairly split from the volume of the
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"VIVAT! VIVAT! VIVAT!" cries that followed every award.
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After that, there was a four-hour Bardic circle, where a couple of the
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m00ses sang songs, or told tales. Eventually they wandered off somewhere to
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sleep.
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The next day, only a few items of interest happened:
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1) Fuzzy and SalmonM00se fenced for a while.
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2) SalmonM00se almost shot the King and Queen (Bow & arrow)
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3) Goblin_m00se and SalmonM00se took instruction from a knight
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named Sir Andrea. They practiced until well after dark.
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(Goblin_m00se looks extremely sexy when she swings a sword.)
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After that, they went back to the modern world, stopping at a supermarket
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without changing their clothes. This elicited many stares. None of them cared.
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As I left the house, Wats0n chanced upon a small bag of herbs that I had
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bought while in the Middle Ages. He looked into it, and said, "Holmes,
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whatever could you be doing with this?
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I replied, "Elementary, my dear Wats0n... I'm biding my thyme!"
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- copied from M00selock's files by
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SalmonM00se & Vegi-M00se
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Postscriptum: A very m00sey thing to do is to watch Black Adder on Public
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Television. (Especially Blackadder II.) Watch for the
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episode with the turnip thingy. COMING SOON: Goblin_m00se
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and Salmon-M00se are thinking of transcribing the scripts
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of Blackadder II... Requests may be sent to the following
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accounts:
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LEE_JES@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
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WITHALL@CTSTATEU (BITNet)
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Users from off-BITNet domains (such as EDU) may send to:
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LEE_JES%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
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WITHALL%CTSTATEU.BITNET@CUNYVM.CUNY.EDU
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< Here we have a story typed in and contributed (though not written) by
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Valerie. :) whose name doesn't lend itself to anything m00sey. >>
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GOING THE M00SE WAY HOME
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by Jim Lattimer
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(Excerpts selected by myself.)
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"M00se is tall, a hill on hoofs and thin stork legs. He has bony
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shoulders, long ears, soft eyes, a mobile muzzle, and a beard."
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(Gee....I never knew we looked like that...and I
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suppose I ought to do something about my beard then....)
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"On his way home, m00se sometimes stands beside the county road to watch
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for license plates, though he does not know how to read. Once he saw Iowa,
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Wisconsin, and Rhode Island; He sees a lot of Minnesotas, because he lives in
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Minnesota and sometimes M00sechusetts (his spelling!!!!)"
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(Gee....I never knew we were illiterate...yet could read
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those license plates!!)
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THE M00SE AND THE TROLL
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"M00se said simply, "I'm a m00se."
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A m00se, thought the troll. Like a *Buffalo*, he thought, feeling
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suddenly hungry. The troll came out to look, and there was m00se, a hill on
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quiet hoofs, seven feet tall and eleven hundred pounds.
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The troll hesitated. He fidgeted, muttering to himself. 'I do not feel
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hungry for a m00se,' he said at last."
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CHRISTMAS AND THE COWS
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or is it
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M00semas and the cows
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or
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ChristM00se and the cows
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???????????
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"On Christmas morning m00se passed a snowy field along the county road. He
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didn't quite pass. Twelve black and white cows with steaming breath and sad
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eyes huddled together close to the fence. The cows stared at m00se, their
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breath frosting the fur on their foreheads. M00se stared back at them. One of
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the cows flapped its ears. Then another cow flapped its ears. M00se flapped his
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ears experimentally, searching for the cows' meaning.
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'Hello,' he called to them, but the cows didn't answer. They stood,
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steaming and staring, ears flapping, looking very sad.
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'Merry Christmas,' M00se called. The cows did not wish M00se a Merry
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Christmas.
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'Happy Chanukah' he said, though Chanukah was almost two weeks past. The
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cows did not answer him."
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(Poor,poor m00se.)
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
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<< Here is that other, rather brilliant contribution by Salmon M00se and
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Goblin_m00se. >>
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Transcriber's Note: All of our comments will be enclosed in [brackets].
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Recently published in a nameless newspaper of ill repute was the following
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Article: [TrashyFacts: More people read the National Enquirer than any other
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publication!]
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UNDERWATER BL00PING FULLY EXPOSED!
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[Fully exposed? That sounds rather RUDE, doesn't it?]
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The information contained in this article was found in the safe of the
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late Doctor Frood, of the Link0ping Institute in Sweden, after his death.
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Doctor Frood was found dead in a locked bathroom, in a tub filled with
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chocolate m0usse. Nearby was found a calling-card bearing an odd pyramid, with
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the initials S.M.S. printed underneath. Also found in the vicinity were 5,000
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crushed kiwifruits. Authorities are baffled, but Inspector LeStr00de of
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Scotland Yard insists that the culprits are a terrorist tourist troop from
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Taiwan. [If they only knew! Heh heh heh]
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THE PRACTICE OF UNDERWATER BL00PING
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By Dr. Vroomfondel Frood
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What is Underwater Bl00ping? The Art of Underwater Bl00ping was
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discovered in the quaint little village of Farmington, Connecticut, in the
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United States of America. This practice, shunned by most Americans, is a
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secret rite practiced by an underground organization, of which this researcher
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has found extremely little information.
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In point of fact, the practice is not only shunned by most individuals, it
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is relatively UNKNOWN - a fact which points to the conclusion that this secret
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society is a mind-bogglingly large organization filled with the most devious
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individuals, all bred to superhuman abilities.
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It is these abilities which make underwater bl00ping possible - but these
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powers are not visible to the normal eye. Never have I encountered any sort of
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signal whereby the members of this society may make themselves known to each
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other - but nevertheless, apparently THEY can tell the difference between a
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normal human being and one of their own terrible kind.
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In my researches at the Miskatonic University, located in Massachusetts, I
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found amongst the fragmentary Pnakotic Manuscripts a reference to this
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practice, mentioned in conjunction with, of all animals, the moose. The passage
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reads as follows:
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ORIGINAL PNAKOTIC TEXT TRANSLATION
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Ichi ya fernandop00, Of the great god Fernando Poo,
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Zum bagel lox The skalds of old wisely refrain
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et kreemcheese t00. to sing.
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Khargle alkazeltsur ickkity-ack, For if they do, their stomachs
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Pleah, mitzvah barbell distend and they do fart
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destroyeth plaque. violently unto their deaths.
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Yippi-kiy-yiy-burgerking Nevertheless, there (are) those
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Barbi-queued twinkies whose whispers He will suffer,
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hys praysez sing. those of the dark Underground.
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Yoo luk mahvelous, In their secret rites, that
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zi lectroids bl00p, Bl00ping which they do,
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Io Grand M00se P00bah The Grand P00bah M00se presides
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Leviam00se goeth plaid. and they all went home for tea.
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As the reader can plainly see, this passage hints at even darker
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possibilities, more terrible than even the original translator of the Pnakotic
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Manusctipts, L. Howard Phillips, had guessed.
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For the signs of these rites can still be seen today! This Bl00ping is
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carried out even as I write! Around the nation, and perhaps even the world,
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people congregate and perform these dark rituals! And what of the moose? Where
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do they fit in? And yet, the common person on the street knows naught of this
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matter. This researcher walked up to 97 people and pronounced the secret word
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"Bl00p". Ninety-six people showed no useful reaction. The ninety-seventh, a
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policeman, arrested the researcher. Perhaps even the police have been
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infiltrated? It cannot be said at this time.
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The President of the United States of America, when asked if he had any
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knowledge of this matter, replied: "Well... as President of this great nation,
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I can assure you that lima beans and Twinkies continue to be this country's
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greatest resource. If it were not for our country, our nation would not be
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where it is today."
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Although these Bl00pers are clever, there are some methods of detecting
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their actions. The following paragraphs record actual eyewitness accounts of
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chance discoveries of the rituals:
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LANSING, NEW YORK: It was horrible! I was standing in the
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supermarket check-out line, buying food to bring back to my
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camper, when two women bl00ped at me! I declare! It frightened
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me so much that I dropped my eggs right on little Bobbi-Jo!
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SOMEWHERE, MASSACHUSETTS: Verily, I tell thee, 'twas not more
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than twelve feet away from me! I could not believe mine own ears!
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An entire throng of people shouted, "BL00P"! Sixteen tents then
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collapsed!
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GNOME, ALASKA: I was walking along, worried about my new lipo-
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suctioned nose, wondering if I looked as dashing as Sean Penn,
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like the doctor said I did, when a whole lodge of them, dressed as
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tourists, Bl00ped! The ice cracked, and I fell into the water.
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My nose got so cold that it swelled back up to its original size!
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I was crushed! Hey, are you herring what I say?
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Further documents reveal that Underwater Blooping are generally held in
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reservoirs. It is with this practice that the members of this secret society
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find their greatest...
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(We are sorry to announce that this work was not completed due to the
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untimely death of its author. Dr. Vroomfondel Frood was found in his bathtub,
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pummeled to death by 5,000 kiwifruits. The Swedish Coroner's office has marked
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his death as "Due to Natural Causes".)
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- Transcribed by
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SalmonM00se & Goblin_m00se
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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*************************** MISCELLANEOUS NONSENSE *****************************
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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<< From Salmon M00se. >>
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Q. How many M00ses does it take to change a light bulb?
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A. None. They'd prefer to keep people in the dark.
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*************** AND, OF COURSE, THE UBIQUITOUS M00SE LIST UPDATE ***************
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Will follow the issue.
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