142 lines
6.5 KiB
Groff
142 lines
6.5 KiB
Groff
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Sunday e-sermon #7
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Dear Brethren,
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I'm sure almost all of you have seen the results of the Church of Euthanasia's
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e-survey by now, and I know many of you were dissappointed by the alarmingly
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low sodomy scores. First of all let me say that we did not "curve" the scores;
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the scores really were that low! Less than 0.1% of the respondents marked
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"always" for any type of sodomy, and less than 20% marked "often," even for
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masturbation! Approximately 5% were completely abstinent, so for the remaining
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95%, either you are failing to properly direct your sex drives away from
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activities that could result in procreation, or you are simply lacking sex
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drive altogether. Based on the following e-mail, which I will read to you, I
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unfortunately tend to suspect the latter.
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>>>>
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Rev. Korda, one more thing on computers decreasing sex drive, I have it on good
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authority that the pineal gland is directly affected by the EMI radiation
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coming from the terminals. We need the pineal gland to help regulate the sex
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drive and when it is irradiated, we lose our drive except for the good old boys
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and gals out in the pasture enjoying the mud pies and screwing each other
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senseless. BTW - you forgot to ask on the survey who had earned their wings
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(regular, white and red) also have you ever woke up in a pasture with a farm
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animal in anything from the Fredericks catalog (this is a must question).
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Also, how can I have sex when I am typing on the keyboard unless the misses is
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a acrobat which she has never been, ask her to throw a leg behind her head and
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she thinks that you are a freak which is why I have a freak on the side. She
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happy, I'm happy and the misses is glad because she doesn't have to bump uglies
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in the middle of the night. In case you don't know what bumping uglies is,
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another way of saying it is the good old pole dance. Well, reverend, gotta go
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back to work on that sermon I promised you earlier - How do you feel about free
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verse - something along the lines of:
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Frozen Pond
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Stupid Frog
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Splatt!!!!!!!!!
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Ivan
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<<<<
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The computer usage statistics were truly frightening. Give the fingers and
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eyeballs a rest! Use the other 99% of your bodies for a change! Remember,
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computers are just another form of television. It's still just colored lights
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on a glass screen, nothing more. Get outside! Walk on something that isn't
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asphalt or concrete! Smell our mother the Earth! Feel the sun! The sun
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comes up, every day, whether you believe in it or not! The sun is REAL!
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The earth is REAL!
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Now, for all of you who missed it, the following is an excerpt from Rev.
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Korda's appearance on Los Angeles radio station KFI 640 AM last night. Shortly
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afterwards, the telephone lines lit up like a Christmas tree. A contest was
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also held, with a free subscription of Snuff It going out to the first person
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who correctly define sodomy. Congratulations to the winner, who wishes to
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remain unnamed.
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>>>>
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I'm asking the audience to do something very important tonight. And let me say
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this directly to everyone listening tonight. If you're depressed, or ill, or
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feel burdened by today's world problems, let me suggest a way to give your life
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new meaning -- kill yourself. Do it now. If you have a gun, get your gun. If
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you have a razor, get your razor. Rope is good. Car exhaust is good. I would
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ask each and every person now listening to kill themselves without hesitation.
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Stop killing one another.
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Kill yourself.
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Stop killing the animals.
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Kill yourself
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Stop killing the oceans and forests.
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Kill Yourself.
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And do it tonight.
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Do it now.
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I guarantee that somewhere out there someone is listening to this tonight and
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they're just about ready to pull the trigger, or snuff themselves in some way.
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I say to that person, think about what you are doing. Realize what good you
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are doing, and then do it. Pull that trigger!
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There is a statistical certainty that one, perhaps more of those listening
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tonight will attempt suicide. The rest of the audience will sit by like lambs
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while this happens. But I say to everyone listening: Save the planet! Kill
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yourself!
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Don't be another victim.
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Don't die at the hands of another,
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In a drive-by shooting
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Or a chemical plant explosion
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Or from poisoned well water
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Or cancer from 1000 different modern-day sources
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Or from a freak accident, playing the odds
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Take your life into your own hands and kill yourself.
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Suicide must be made safe, legal, and effective in all 50 states. Oregon has
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already legalized physician-assisted suicide for the terminally ill, but that's
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just the beginning. Euthanasia should be as easy as getting your teeth
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cleaned, and not just for the terminally ill. It should be every woman and
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man's choice. What a woman or man voluntarily does with their own body should
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be their own choice.
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The sooner suicide is made legal, the sooner it will be covered under family
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health insurance plans. Listen: if ineffective, last ditch, painful
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procedures are covered by health insurance, why not effective and comparatively
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cheap suicide? Nearly half the money spent on health care in this country is
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spent on people within the last 365 days of their lives. That health care is
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more like torture for most of those people. I say people have the right to die
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with dignity. Too many people die as unwilling and very expensive experimental
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subjects in the name of medical research.
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If you're listening and this message has touched you, you may want to leave
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behind a suicide not mentioning the Church. If not, let whoever finds your
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corpse know you were listening tonight, by leaving that radio dial firmly
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planted at KFI 640 AM. Who can say exactly how many thousands of people killed
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themselves around the world last year? The Church of Euthanasia does not claim
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responsibility for all of these suicides, but we like to think of our efforts
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as an inspiration to at least these people, an inspiration to a higher calling.
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<<<<
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If YOU would like to deliver a Sunday e-sermon, e-mail the proposed text to:
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snuffit-l@netcom.com
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If your text is approved, we will schedule the e-sermon. You will be
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notified either way.
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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Pastor Scott The Church of Euthanasia
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ftp: ftp.etext.org /pub/Zines/Snuffit
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gopher: gopher.etext.org Zines/Snuffit
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gopher.well.sf.ca.us Zines/On-line Zines/Snuffit
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www: http://paranoia.com/other/
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To receive the printed version of _Snuff It_, send $2 to:
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C.O.E., Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143
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SAVE THE PLANET! KILL YOUR *SELF*!
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