textfiles/magazines/EUTHANASIA/e-sermon.7

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Sunday e-sermon #7

Dear Brethren,

I'm sure almost all of you have seen the results of the Church of Euthanasia's
e-survey by now, and I know many of you were dissappointed by the alarmingly
low sodomy scores.  First of all let me say that we did not "curve" the scores;
the scores really were that low!  Less than 0.1% of the respondents marked
"always" for any type of sodomy, and less than 20% marked "often," even for
masturbation!  Approximately 5% were completely abstinent, so for the remaining
95%, either you are failing to properly direct your sex drives away from
activities that could result in procreation, or you are simply lacking sex
drive altogether.  Based on the following e-mail, which I will read to you, I
unfortunately tend to suspect the latter.

>>>>
Rev. Korda, one more thing on computers decreasing sex drive, I have it on good
authority that the pineal gland is directly affected by the EMI radiation
coming from the terminals.  We need the pineal gland to help regulate the sex
drive and when it is irradiated, we lose our drive except for the good old boys
and gals out in the pasture enjoying the mud pies and screwing each other
senseless.  BTW - you forgot to ask on the survey who had earned their wings
(regular, white and red) also have you ever woke up in a pasture with a farm
animal in anything from the Fredericks catalog (this is a must question).
Also, how can I have sex when I am typing on the keyboard unless the misses is
a acrobat which she has never been, ask her to throw a leg behind her head and
she thinks that you are a freak which is why I have a freak on the side.  She
happy, I'm happy and the misses is glad because she doesn't have to bump uglies
in the middle of the night.  In case you don't know what bumping uglies is,
another way of saying it is the good old pole dance.  Well, reverend, gotta go
back to work on that sermon I promised you earlier - How do you feel about free
verse - something along the lines of:

Frozen Pond
 Stupid Frog
  Splatt!!!!!!!!!

Ivan
<<<<

The computer usage statistics were truly frightening.  Give the fingers and
eyeballs a rest!  Use the other 99% of your bodies for a change!  Remember,
computers are just another form of television.  It's still just colored lights
on a glass screen, nothing more.  Get outside!  Walk on something that isn't
asphalt or concrete!  Smell our mother the Earth!  Feel the sun!  The sun
comes up, every day, whether you believe in it or not!  The sun is REAL!
The earth is REAL!

Now, for all of you who missed it, the following is an excerpt from Rev.
Korda's appearance on Los Angeles radio station KFI 640 AM last night.  Shortly
afterwards, the telephone lines lit up like a Christmas tree.  A contest was
also held, with a free subscription of Snuff It going out to the first person
who correctly define sodomy.  Congratulations to the winner, who wishes to
remain unnamed.

>>>>
I'm asking the audience to do something very important tonight.  And let me say
this directly to everyone listening tonight.  If you're depressed, or ill, or
feel burdened by today's world problems, let me suggest a way to give your life
new meaning -- kill yourself.  Do it now.  If you have a gun, get your gun.  If
you have a razor, get your razor.  Rope is good.  Car exhaust is good.  I would
ask each and every person now listening to kill themselves without hesitation.

Stop killing one another.
Kill yourself.
Stop killing the animals.
Kill yourself
Stop killing the oceans and forests.
Kill Yourself.
And do it tonight.
Do it now.

I guarantee that somewhere out there someone is listening to this tonight and
they're just about ready to pull the trigger, or snuff themselves in some way.
I say to that person, think about what you are doing.  Realize what good you
are doing, and then do it.  Pull that trigger!

There is a statistical certainty that one, perhaps more of those listening
tonight will attempt suicide.  The rest of the audience will sit by like lambs
while this happens.  But I say to everyone listening:  Save the planet!  Kill
yourself!

Don't be another victim.
Don't die at the hands of another,
In a drive-by shooting
Or a chemical plant explosion
Or from poisoned well water
Or cancer from 1000 different modern-day sources
Or from a freak accident, playing the odds
Take your life into your own hands and kill yourself.

Suicide must be made safe, legal, and effective in all 50 states.  Oregon has
already legalized physician-assisted suicide for the terminally ill, but that's
just the beginning.  Euthanasia should be as easy as getting your teeth
cleaned, and not just for the terminally ill.  It should be every woman and
man's choice.  What a woman or man voluntarily does with their own body should
be their own choice.

The sooner suicide is made legal, the sooner it will be covered under family
health insurance plans.  Listen:  if ineffective, last ditch, painful
procedures are covered by health insurance, why not effective and comparatively
cheap suicide?  Nearly half the money spent on health care in this country is
spent on people within the last 365 days of their lives.  That health care is
more like torture for most of those people.  I say people have the right to die
with dignity.  Too many people die as unwilling and very expensive experimental
subjects in the name of medical research.

If you're listening and this message has touched you, you may want to leave
behind a suicide not mentioning the Church.  If not, let whoever finds your
corpse know you were listening tonight, by leaving that radio dial firmly
planted at KFI 640 AM.  Who can say exactly how many thousands of people killed
themselves around the world last year?  The Church of Euthanasia does not claim
responsibility for all of these suicides, but we like to think of our efforts
as an inspiration to at least these people, an inspiration to a higher calling.
<<<<

If YOU would like to deliver a Sunday e-sermon, e-mail the proposed text to:

snuffit-l@netcom.com

If your text is approved, we will schedule the e-sermon.  You will be
notified either way.

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Pastor Scott                               The Church of Euthanasia

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        SAVE THE PLANET!  KILL YOUR *SELF*!